myjourneysinsight

ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 2

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Judy

Alabaster Seashell is one of my favorite songs. It has such a mystical quality, with descriptive words and eerie music.

Click the blue link below to hear it:

Two years ago, I created another arrangement for this song. It was very beautiful, but I did not feel the same emotional connection that I had for my first version. Below is the arrangement without a vocal:

Link to other stories about this song:

Story behind ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 1

Story behind ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 3

I must reveal that the painting I used for my Alabaster Seashell cover isn’t really alabaster!

Over the five years since I first recorded my song “Alabaster Seashell,” my voice has changed considerably. When I listen to my earlier recordings, it doesn’t even sound like it’s me!

The chords and lyrics for the verses of this song were written long ago, when I was only 17 years old. I expanded my song three decades later to write a chorus explaining what the seashell represented to me.

The alabaster seashell held memories that were a comfort and reminder of love.

I’m glad that I can share how in my current life I’m enjoying creating new memories. I really do search for ways to find peacefulness and treasure each day.

A month ago my childhood friend, Joni, asked me what I planned to do on my birthday. I told her I wasn’t really sure; my birthday was tinged with sadness because I missed my mom. She died two days before my birthday two years ago.

Joni was especially sympathetic because she missed my mom, too. When we were growing up, Joni was almost like part of my family. It was an amazing coincidence that she shared the same birthday as my mother. I remember many times going shopping with my mom so she could find a card for Joni, which mentioned their mutual birthdays.

This picture was taken about twelve years ago. My life was so different then when my parents were still alive.

Joni asked me what I missed doing with my mom. I told her we often shopped together and then ate out at one of our favorite restaurants.

I didn’t want to remember my mother’s decline. A few years before she died, we stopped going on those outings. Before that, she grimaced as she pushed her walker into stores with me. She insisted she was fine, but I could see her pain. On a few occasions, she collapsed to the ground and I dashed to pick her up in terror.

Joni said, “Well how about if on your birthday, we go shopping and out to dinner then? Tell me the favorite stores you went to.”

I rattled off a few . . .

Joni is in the middle and her younger sister, Shari, has such an adorable expression on the right.

A few days before my birthday, Joni reminded me of our outing. I said to her, “Hey instead of shopping, let’s go outdoors – could we go to the beach in the late afternoon instead?”

Joni told me it was a fantastic idea. I surprised myself by suggesting it because I seldom did anything like that.

But when I was a young girl, the beach was my favorite place to go with my friends.

In this picture, Joni joined my family on a boat trip.

Joni was very close to both my parents.

The weather was perfect and the sky was beautiful. The clouds were delicate and created extraordinary textures that reflected back from the mirrored slicks of wet sand.

It was balmy and comfortable, which was lovely because it had been so hot in the city we left behind. I soaked up the sweet coolness and my good friend’s tenderness.

This close up really shows the amazing reflections of clouds on the wet sand in the late afternoon.

It was a little over a year ago when Joni had open-heart surgery to repair a heart valve. Thankfully, she had healed and gotten much of her strength back.

We had known each other almost all our lives. So much of our destinies were intertwined because of our friendship. The fact that I currently lived in the same building where we played together as toddlers was amazing. Yes, memories were always vivid when we were together.

This picture is with my older brother, Norm, on the left. Joni and I were about 19 years old, at the time.

This picture is with my older brother, Norm. Joni and I were about 19.

On this beautiful day that was my 56^th birthday, we talked about our present lives and challenges. We revealed dreams about things we loved to imagine in our future. And we reminisced about our childhood.

We ate dinner overlooking the ocean. On our way home, we even stopped at one of the stores where I used to shop with my mom, too.

I came home and enjoyed seeing the pictures from our day. I planned to celebrate with all three of my children the next day. It was fine, since my oldest son was helping his father move on my actual birthday and couldn’t be there.

My day was additionally sweet because I had lunch with my sister-in-law before I met up with Joni.

I received so many beautiful Facebook wishes and text messages. I appreciated them all and replied to every one. There were messages from friends I hadn’t seen since elementary school!

I especially loved the picture my daughter sent me that she had quickly snapped a week before.

There is one line in my song “Alabaster Seashell” that usually brings me to tears.

“Reminders of days, like the one – holding him tightly in a setting sun.”

I originally wrote that line remembering a romantic moment. But 30 years later, I interpreted it very differently. Now that line was about how I anticipated my young son’s death. I held him with great sadness while we watched a beautiful beach sunset together.

Yesterday, the sun was setting as Joni and I walked along the beach. It was not a dramatic sunset, instead it was soft and subtle. I noticed the quiet passage of pastel colors slowly fading into darkness and felt very peaceful.

Joni has gone through a lot with her heart issues. She is still making changes to her life and adjusting. I admire her courage.

Being peaceful was a great feeling. I knew there were many things we both could have worried about. Thinking about aging can sometimes lead to depressing thoughts.

But instead, life was glorious.

I photographed a white seashell, so I could write this story and have a picture of a real alabaster seashell.

What seems especially beautiful and telling, is that I had no desire to bring it home and save it.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

IT’S NOT FOREVER – PART 1

Posted on October 1, 2015 by Judy

This illustration of mine is the cover for my song named Autumn Recollections, which was composed in 1977. The fall is significant for me because that was when my son, Jason died. And later on my mother also died in the fall.

In five days, it will be the 23^rd anniversary of Jason’s death. He died in 1992 at the age of five from a congenital heart defect.

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This post is my way to honor him.–

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Last week I composed a new song, which I named “It’s Not Forever.” I gave my new song that title before I even composed any lyrics or melody.

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I haven’t decided upon my lyrics exactly, but the arrangement is done and I plan to record my guitar into it soon. I’m excited to share here an acoustic version I recorded in my bedroom, as well as the arrangement in progress.

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Click the blue links to hear my song:

I usually write a new song every few months. It surprised me that another song came to me so soon, since I just composed my song “In the Past.”

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“It’s Not Forever” is definitely about coping in the present. I find it humorous. Now I’ve moved out of the past and perhaps I’ll name my next song “Someday” as a tribute to the future!

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These lyrics to my newest song mention how “I’ve been there, too. That is similar to my older song “Hang On.”

Since my music and writing journey began in 2010, a lot of things have changed for me regarding my feelings about grief.

In 2011, I wrote my song “Hang On.” My lyrics had me speaking to someone whom I imagined had given up on life. I emphatically say, “One day, your pain will go away!”

How could I know that? I’m squirming just thinking about how I had the confidence to write those lyrics. And yet, many times I’ve felt hopeless and listened to my own song. It has uplifted me, so that counters some of my conflicted feelings.

I’m not planning to revise “Hang On,” but moving forward I prefer not to tell anyone how, when or whether they might heal. I want my words to only reflect my own experience.

Recently, I sang a new vocal for “Hang On” and the story where it can be heard is at the blue link below:

Hang On – Original Story and Song

“The years that buried me”

It turned out that I was very inspired by a paragraph I wrote while composing “In the Past.” Even though I only used one word from that entire paragraph in my song (tragedy), those sentences were very profound for me.

I was extremely moved by the line of: “How could I forget you?”

I have told myself many times that my deceased son, Jason wouldn’t have wanted me to suffer with endless grief.

Despite knowing that, I couldn’t help my feelings. He was dead and I was left coping with horrific pain.

I believe that for a long time, I subconsciously felt guilty letting go of my grief and sadness. My subconscious dictated that if I wasn’t crying, perhaps I had forgotten how much I loved him.

A few weeks ago, I was up late at night writing an introduction for a book about grief, which I planned to record as an audiobook. It was something I had wanted to do for a long time, but wasn’t sure where to begin.

My hesitation was related to how it was going to be different from the one I thought I’d release three years ago. I no longer wanted to “ educate” anyone about grief and preach that healing was certain.

It turned out that living with my dry eye condition gave me a lot more compassion. It was hard to have hope of healing when pain in the present was overwhelming.

When I wrote my introduction, I shared a long list of words I copied from a post on an Internet grief forum. This group had thousands of members and people were asked to use a single word to describe their grief. Below is just a partial list:Some hopeful words that really stood out to me were: stages, brave, enlightening, determined, necessary and life changing. The people who wrote those words amazed me with their positive approach; I know words are powerful and can shape feelings. When I’ve described my grief – it wasn’t with such positive intentions.

Expressing raw pain was more helpful for me because it was a release. Eighteen years after my son’s death, I could easily remember and write about the horror of losing him. I called it the “amputation of my soul” and that statement described deep pain no one else could see or imagine.

So my word on that long list was “amputation.” A sudden amputation could cause a person to bleed to death; it leaves huge scars and one must learn to compensate for the missing part. That is what I’ve done.

The word on that long list that was repeated most often was “forever.” That certainly fits my belief about how the amputation of my soul changed me forever. All of this led me to write my new song.

These are the chorus lyrics to my newest song “in progress.”

This paragraph inspired chorus lyrics to my newest song “in progress.”

So what exactly am I singing about in, “It’s Not Forever?”

I am singing to someone in grief in the verses and in the chorus I am singing to myself.

I express how thankful I am that my grief did not last forever.

And my song offers me hope that my dry eye discomfort will get better someday – just like some of the awful things I’ve experienced in my past. I still become emotional remembering Jason’s death 23 years later, but it is much different now.

I realize that the last line of the chorus – of “being carried” is a cliché. However, sometimes I’ve wondered how I’ve coped as well as I have. My explanation is that I have been carried – hope, love, memories and God. Those are blessings that I am grateful for every day of my life.

The word “always” is similar to “forever” and represents extreme thinking. “Never” is also extreme, being the opposite.

On that long list, I think “forever” is the saddest word. To me, it represents complete hopelessness. Similar ones are: terminal, everlasting, always, lifeless, eternal and infinite.

It’s interesting, but all of those words not only describe grief, they also clearly revolve around death.

Yes, death certainly is forever.

Even though my song started out as a testament to my healing from grief – it ended up carrying another important meaning for me beyond that.

What is not forever is LIFE! Life is finite.

So even though I wrote my song to express how deep grief did not last forever for me, now I’m reminded that, “Life is not forever.”

I want to make the most of this precious gift I have been given. Every day, I search for ways to treasure my life. What especially gives me joy are my three children. I am fortunate that they are all very close to me.

This past month, my youngest son (18) began attending college for the first time. He has had so many wonderful experiences so far, which he has shared with me. This led me to find additional insight for my song.

“It’s not forever” also applies to what can easily be taken for granted. Watching my children grow up has been such a blessing. One day, they will be much older and things might be different. Sometimes, it’s hard to realize how precious something is until it is gone.

When my child died, I buried him and part of me died, too. I wanted to crawl into his coffin to be with him. I wished I were dead because the pain was too much for me.

I kept on going. It seemed like my grief was endless and forever – but it turned out it wasn’t. Eventually, I marveled at my survival.

The years that buried me are over now because I found a way to dig myself out. And when I did, I realized that Jason had never left me.

I only left behind my grief and sadness. I rediscovered joy.

The huge hole in my heart wasn’t empty either – it was filled with our love.

Jason on bike

Below are links to Part 2 and 3 of this story:

IT’S NOT FOREVER-PART 2

IT’S NOT FOREVER-PART 3

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Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acknowledging grief, acoustic guitar, adjusting from grief, autumn leaves, beautiful music, changing your life, child's death, childhood friendship, comforting music, compassionate friends, composing, death of a child, Empathy and Grief, expressing feelings, finding happiness after losing a child, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", Grief descriptions, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Hang On, happiness after death of a child, healing and grief, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope carried me, hope for healing, hope of healing, I once felt that way, inspiration, is happiness possible after losing a child, It's Not Forever, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a child, love carried me, love is never gone, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, music arrangements, musical comfort, optimism, optimism after loss, original songs, overcoming grief, singing, songwriting, staying positive, surviving grief, you carried me | 28 Comments

THE UNKNOWN-PART 2

Posted on September 16, 2015 by Judy

I love this image of a baby hummingbird imagining it will fly somewhere. That must be why I have song lyrics about finding wings and soaring free.

Link to more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

The lyrics above are new ones I wrote for a bridge that my latest arrangement carries. The touch I crave (I say this with completely honesty) is the one I feel when I touch other people with my music and stories.

This photo is from a recent performance of my song that I will share soon.

At this time, I can admit that I still go to places that heal me.

“The Unknown” is the song that doomed my marriage of 31 years. When it “erupted” in 2011, I was very distraught because I admitted feelings I had previously denied for years. I kept my song a secret until I found the courage to set myself free. But it took several more songs to prod me forward.

Dreaming helps me to conquer fear. Once upon a time, it seemed like changing my life was insurmountable; the unknown was very scary. I no longer worry about my future. Because at this moment – it’s feeling very beautiful for me!

If anyone is curious to know more about how this song began, I share links below:

#369 THE UNKNOWN-PART 1

#304 I’M READY TO LIVE ON MY OWN

#364 MY HEART WAS LIKE STONE

#365 THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT

#366 I’M READY – PART 2

#368 THIS FEELS SO WRONG–

It was afternoon and I was ready to sing. My last few song vocals had come out so well and I was quite proud. It wasn’t because I was such a great singer; it was because I had been “surfing with emotion.” And wiping out.–

That meant I was usually weeping while singing. I was prepared for those moments of uncontrollable tears. The feeling behind them translated well into my vocal performance. There was no holding back for me.

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A few days ago, I decided to record new vocals for my song “The Unknown.” I wasn’t sure I could replace the vocal I had. I knew for certain, that I could sing that song much better now. But the emotion was hard to match.

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I decided to take a shot at it. It will be a few weeks before I can edit it. But I already know it came out great. I sang my song fourteen times.

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Today happens to be the date of my “former wedding anniversary.” It is the first one since my divorce. I want to share something I wrote a year ago on my blog. It is a story about my final anniversary, which was only two weeks before I told my husband I wanted a divorce.–

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THE UNKNOWN

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THE DRAGON AND THE LAST ANNIVERSARY

The Princess knew that she could not hold her secret much longer. Like acid, it was burning and pouring out from every part of her body.

Only a week after her father had died, her secret escaped. She tortured herself because she had burdened her own child on top of everything else. Now that her son knew her horrible secret, he pushed her constantly to “get it over with.” He told her she could no longer wait. She replied that she was praying for the right moment. But there would not be one.

That was because she knew the dragon was unprepared and would be wounded beyond description. She wished there were an easier way, but she could not think of any. Over and over she heard her son’s words, “Just do it! Kick the bucket; kick the bucket!”

Every day held torment, especially when she faced the dragon. She hated his presence because he carried tremendous stress with every word he spoke; he made her ill.

She made it a point to avoid him and wondered if he even noticed. For weeks now, they had hardly spoken. Sometimes, she was amazed that he didn’t complain about her absence. He seemed so unhappy with her, but never said a word about it. He projected his anger instead to the many things that were wrong in their castle. Clearly, he felt the Princess had done a poor job disciplining their offspring.

Once upon a time, she had tried so hard to make him happy. But when she found her music, she decided to focus her energy elsewhere. She was relieved to discover her own happiness outside of him and wondered how he lived with so much unhappiness.

Because they didn’t really have a definite anniversary, there was never a celebration. Long ago, she had complained and occasionally he gave her a card. He would simply sign his name and run out to buy it at the last minute. She even felt badly to trouble him with that obligation.

In the more recent years, she had trouble finding a card to give him. That was because most cards made her sad. She couldn’t find any card with sweet words that were true for her. The truth was their life together was empty.

Soon it would be their 30th anniversary. The Princess suffered greatly as she anticipated it. She decided not to buy a card for him.

When the day was finally over, she was deeply relieved. It had gone by like a silent whisper. Yet it was still louder than deafening thunder in her brain.

It turned out that the dragon never mentioned anything to her; he had not even remembered a card.

In her tortured mind, she was certain he knew. Perhaps her son had told him of her plans to ask for a divorce. She imagined that the Dragon was preparing himself for that moment.

A few days later, her son tearfully reminded her that she needed to kick the bucket and tell his father. The Princess muttered over and over, “Kick the bucket, kick the bucket!” for several more days.

Finally, she made up her mind that she was going to do it. It was almost like vomiting. She slowly walked upstairs and into their bedroom to expel the sickening words. With every ounce of courage she told the dragon that their marriage was over.

The Dragon displayed little emotion. She assumed he was in shock just as she had expected. But she decided to ask him.

Only a week before when he ignored their anniversary – was it because he knew she was going to divorce him?

The dragon shook his head and told her.

He just hadn’t remembered.

Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, anniversary after divorce, avoid your mood, beautiful music, breakup song, children and divorce, comforting music, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, cry inside, death, disillusionment in a relationship, divorce, divorce after a long marriage, emptiness, empty marriage, ending a marriage, Escape in my mind, facing divorce, facing divorce after a long marriage, feel so alone, gratefulness, gray divorce, grief, grief and marriage, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Heal me, healing music, heart break, heart like stone, hummingbird, I feel my heart break, I feel so alone, I run from you, I withdrew, I'll face the unknown, inspiration, Judy Unger, Kick the bucket, Leave you behind, leaves me cold, loss, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage breakup, marriage ending, memories and divorce, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, navigating divorce after a long marriage, no connection, original songs, overcoming sadness, performing, prophetic song, Ready to face the unknown, Reasons for divorce, relationships, sad song, sadness end of marriage, separation, separation and divorce, singing, song titles, songwriting, stun you, tears I hide, the Dragon, the princess and the dragon, the touch you withhold, the unknown, unhappy marriage, voice lessons, without affection, writing, Your heart is like stone | 8 Comments

IN THE PAST-PART 1

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Judy

I’ve attached the silhouette image above to my song “In The Past.” This image represents a time when the future held limitless possibilities. I was 19 and my future husband was facing me on the other side. But despite some of the difficult things I’ve lived through, I look forward to my future now like I did when I was that young girl.

Click the link below to hear my song:

In the Past Acoustic 5-16-18

Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be a passionate songwriter at this time in my life. I’m definitely amazed at where I am today!

–IN THE PAST

I look back, amazed at where I am today

There were times I almost gave up

Painful memories are in my past

I just didn’t know then

I’d live with joy again

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I look ahead, my dreams are right in front of me

What threw me down gave me my strength

I’ve kept my smile through it all

I allowed myself to feel

and learned that I could heal

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In the past are things I could regret

What I suffered through I can’t forget

Pain that made me cry

Gave me wings to fly

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My journey is not about where I will go

Each day, I treasure my life

I’ve left behind the pain and chains

Every tragedy didn’t imprison me

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In the past are things I could regret

I know how love once felt

I can’t forget

The strength to say goodbye

Gave me wings to fly

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Once I felt hopeless and so alone

Now I’m soaring – I have flown

In the past are things I could regret

I know how love once felt

I can’t forget

Pain that made me cry

gave me wings to fly

Gave me wings to fly

I look back

I felt like I had to correct my hypnotherapist. She was saying something to me about my latest song and called it “The Past.” I told her that my song was named “IN the Past.”

I explained that I wanted my song title to begin with the word “in.” But did the word “in” – INsinuate that I was living in the past instead of the present? I believed that my song was all about moving forward.

But even though I was sure about my song’s title – my lyrics kept changing and evolving. I still went ahead and recorded vocals. I had a great performance of my song, even though I’ve changed some of the lyrics since then.

My 21-year-old daughter decided to face the unknown. She courageously quit her job and was excited to take some time off to figure out what she planned to do with her life. She had saved her money after working hard without a break for two years.

Before her job ended, she asked me if I would go somewhere with her. We chose to go to a nearby beach town for a few days. Her excitement as the trip approached was infectious and I knew spending time with her would be good for me.

A week after her job ended, we took off on our little get-away. It was still a challenge for me to leave the safety and comfort of my apartment. My eyes hurt whenever I felt anxious – so I concentrated upon feeling relaxed.

This is a pen and ink drawing I did in Middle School. I have always loved having my guitar with me at the beach.

The beach town we were driving toward was very close to where my parents used to take me when I was a young girl. As my car approached the familiar exits and sights, I felt memories swelling in my head and heart. Such wonderful times I had!

I began to share some of my memories, but then my daughter said, “Gee, mom – it sounds like sometimes you’re living in the past! Let’s make some new memories instead – you and I!”

Her words made sense, but didn’t stop my memories. I squeezed her hand and understood that she wanted our time together to be special.

I became quieter, but the memories still whispered to me and I hoped she wasn’t aware.

Over our two days together, we definitely made some new sweet memories for both of us to keep. I rode a bicycle on the beach for the first time in many years. We took long walks and ate in lovely cafes. I enjoyed the present!

I decided that my memories from the past were tinged with sadness. They were reminders of how much I missed my parents and even my friend, Cheryl, who died eight years ago.

This is a view from the porch of the lovely bed and breakfast home we stayed in.

This is a view from the porch of the lovely bed and breakfast home where my daughter and I stayed.

When I came back from our lovely trip, I was very excited to finalize the arrangement for “In The Past” with George (my arranger). I recorded vocals and performed my song, but was certain I could improve the lyrics. I waited for inspiration and it finally came to me.

Originally my chorus went:

In the past there’s nothing I regret

What I suffered through I can’t forget

Things that made me cry

Gave me wings to fly

I wrote those words with confidence because I never regretted what I did for my children and later on, my parents. Taking care of their complicated needs consumed many years of my life. I never gave up, but there were times when I wondered how I kept on going.

After 31 years of marriage, I left my husband and have no regrets about my decision. I suffered with guilt for a long time because I regretted hurting him (and my children). My song uplifts me because it is about overcoming that.

As I wrote the words below, they rhymed, so I share them with humor:

I don’t regret starting a new life

or following my dream

but saying there’s nothing I regret

is far too extreme

Once again, my black and white thinking knocks me over. Of course, there are things I’ve regretted and I cannot sing a lyric line if it doesn’t feel true for me.

Here is my list of things I’ve regretted (and still do):

1. I’ve shared too much personal information with the wrong people.

2. I allowed myself to gain a lot of weight when I felt depressed about my eyes while separating from my husband.

3. I started biting my nails again a year ago.

4. I have admitted my parents’ imperfections on my blog too many times.

5. I’ve “lent” money to good friends and have felt confused and disappointed when no effort has been made to pay me back.

6. I haven’t been good at keeping secrets.

My best antidote to my above list is: I AM HUMAN! Compassion is absolutely necessary. I’m really good at doling out compassion to others and turning it upon myself is the key. Even though I’ve made mistakes (repeatedly), I know that I’m capable of changing and learning.

That led me to revise my lyric line about “there’s nothing I regret” to: “In the past, are things I don’t regret.”

suffered through

That line leaves room for me to still have regrets about other things!

I decided that another line needed changing. It was the one about “things that made me cry.”

Gaining my wings through tears and adversity was true. I decided I could sing those words for my first chorus. But a better line for me on the subsequent choruses was:

“The strength to say goodbye, gave me wings to fly.”

Here are some things I’ve said goodbye to:

1. I said goodbye to my beloved 5-year-old son when he died.

But I also said goodbye to the heartache that followed me for over two decades. I truly have healed from what I suffered through. The words “I won’t forget” is a choice I’ve made (instead of “I can’t forget). I choose to remember the pain because I celebrate my survival and joy after so many years of living through the torture of grief.

2. I said goodbye to a big home and married lifestyle. I said goodbye to the only man I ever have been with since I was 18 years old.

I currently live in a cramped apartment with my two sons. My office is my bedroom. The space is smaller than my closet was in my former large home. My apartment has only one bathroom and for 20 years my home had 4 bathrooms. So everyone here asks permission before taking a shower.

3. I said goodbye to both my parents as each of them took their last breath on earth.

4. I said goodbye to the eyesight I took for granted. It has been three years since I developed complications from cataract surgery. I remember how lovely it was when I could see clearly without pain and fogginess.

5. I said goodbye to my young children.

I look ahead with the knowledge that I am also saying goodbye to them as they become independent adults. When my daughter told me she’d like to go to Thailand, I just smiled. But I am not smiling thinking about my oldest son. He is going on a dangerous trip of driving through Mexico in a few months with my ex-husband. I have tried to discourage him – but to no avail.

I love butterflies and metaphors; above are some of my illustrations. I also have a song named “You Are My Wings. Therefore, it’s no surprise that once again wings and the metaphor of flying pops up in another one of my songs.

I want to list what “gaining wings” has meant to me:

1. Wings are a metaphor for music lifting me up. I was taken away from sorrow and have “risen above” the things that could have sunk me.

2. Wings represent following my dream. It is exciting for me to imagine flying somewhere wonderful with my music.

3. I want to spread my wings and inspire others to fly. Nothing is more beautiful for me than uplifting and comforting someone in deep grief.

4. I see wings as fearlessness. Flying could be scary, but the grief and the experience of losing those I love has only reinforced the preciousness of my life. And this increases my willingness to take some chances to do what brings me joy.

5. Wings are my freedom. It was horrible for me to watch my parents suffer and die. I grieved deeply during the time they declined. I was actually relieved when death freed them from their horrific pain. And then their deaths led to my own personal freedom because I no longer had to worry about them. I had no idea how much energy that took until it was over.

6. Wings represent transformation – just like a butterfly. Although I am very passionate about my musical journey, my artistic journey has taken me to a wonderful place also that I didn’t anticipate.

I have been very busy illustrating. In the past, I thought my career as an artist was over because my paintings were time-consuming and obsolete. It turns out that by reinventing my technique (going from being a watercolorist to a digital artist), I am now very much in demand. Last week, I created a strawberry illustration that I’m sharing below.

I want to also share a recent comment on my illustration blog that touched me deeply. http://foodartist.wordpress.com

When I was 19, I wrote a song entitled “Saying Goodbye.” I feel like the line of “the strength to say goodbye” is a follow-up to that song. 36 years after writing how hard saying goodbye was – I’ve gone to celebrating where it has taken me.

I want to share some feelings about the line of “I know how love once felt.”

I like the hopefulness of that line. It sounds like a prophecy, and perhaps someday I will fall in love again. But at this moment, it is very remote since I have not gone on a date in over 35 years.

Since that concept has me squirming, instead of romantic love I want to fly again with joy!

Unfortunately, I am not flying at this moment. But that is what I love about my song. It is my ideal.

During the saddest times in my life, I was certain that the true happiness I felt when I was young would never happen again. I was wrong! (Just like when I thought my art career was over).

Five years ago in 2010, I was very joyful when I first began to write and rediscover music. Remembering that feeling makes me confident that I will feel joyful in the same way again.

I don’t want to think in extremes of happy or sad because I’m not unhappy – but I would like to laugh more and make time for friends who understand me.

I do strive to treasure each day of my life. I am so blessed that I can make choices for myself now. One of those choices is to find ways to feel better.

At this time in my life, sometimes staying peaceful can be very challenging. My children are wonderful humans and I’m very close to all three of them. I often feel like they are taking me on non-stop roller coaster rides because I am so involved in their lives. At the age of 55, I’m not up for that ride as much as when they were younger. But it is a choice I’ve honestly made because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I achieve peacefulness through my music and songs. When I compose something new (like this particular song), I am saturated with serenity. What a blessing it is that I have such a wonderful outlet!

To end this story, I will share some of my scrawled lyrics in progress. The words I have written below are brutally honest and very personal. It is because of writing those words that I found the insight I needed for this song. I may actually compose a new song one day with some of my heartfelt words below.

I must admit that my lyrics are like my bible. I study them and find new meanings every day.

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