SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU – PART 2

This picture is of me playing at a music recital. My new vocal coach, Hannah Anders, invited me to play after only two weeks of vocal coaching. I share a few clips from that afternoon with this story.

In this dark image, I am playing my song at a recital. My new vocal coach, Hannah Anders, invited me to play after only two weeks of vocal coaching.

Below is a one-minute clip where I introduce my song at the recital:

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU Recital Blog Excerpt A

Transcription:

I wrote a song just about three days ago. So I thought – it’s the only thing I can hear and I’m going to play it. When I heard the music to it – it was a love song, for sure. And I haven’t had a romantic relationship in so long. How could I write a love song? So I did! I wrote a love song to my children because I love them so much. I have three children; one is going to be 19, and I have a 22-year-old daughter and a 25-year-old son. And they’re all at the cusp of going forward in the world and I just want them to find someone to love them the way that I do. That’s where my song is!

Link to Song page with Performance, links and recordings for SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU

This is me! I was such a happy child.

This is me! I was such a happy child.

There just weren’t enough words to describe how uplifting and exciting my newest song was for me. It came at a perfect time.

I was beginning to become overwhelmed with doubts about where I was going with my music.

I had songs with vocals ready to be released; they represented thousands of hours of dedicated work. But I wasn’t attached to them anymore and unsure about when I’d be ready to tackle the project of “letting them go.”

I recorded one more story for my audio book; the eight stories were with an audio editor and she was taking a very long time to send them back to me. It was also another project where I needed to create and finalize a new cover design.

My assistant attended a large music conference. When she returned, she presented me with a bag full of items she had gathered. There were stacks of business cards, magazines and many brochures. She had played my music for many important people in the music business and created several pages of handwritten notes for me. One of the top executives told her that I could be very successful and sell my music if I did these things:

  1. Update my chords
  2. Work with young musicians
  3. Listen to more current artists

Judy & her guitar

It was early in morning and I could feel my mind spinning with thoughts about my journey. What did I want to do next? I wondered why I felt so teary and doubtful.

Certainly, I never planned to market myself as a commercial performer. I have always loved to imagine myself speaking and inspiring others; sharing my music in an intimate and touching way, without worrying whether I was “contemporary.”

The artists I admired were ones that many people my age did – I loved the music from the 70’s; perhaps it was because at that time the lyrics and chords were more linear, like mine. I had no desire to “update my chords” to fit some repetitious modern formula. Young musicians were more than welcome to sing my songs.

My brow was furrowed and I felt frustrated.

I think it’s time for me to go outdoors and take another vacation again. This picture was from a trip I took to Oregon in March of this year.

I think it’s time for me to go outdoors and take another vacation again.
This picture was from a trip I took to Oregon in March of this year.

And that was when I heard a voice speaking to me!

It felt parental, but I wasn’t feeling it was my mother or father. It was simply – a voice that was clear and direct. I listened and the words began:

“My child, I have a wish for all of your life – find someone to love you, the way that I do. You are filled with dreams, endless possibilities. Don’t hurry, take it slow. You’ll learn and you’ll grow.”

My eyes opened wide. I looked at the ceiling and tears began to stream down my cheeks onto my pillow. Those  were my song lyrics!

Then a realization began to dawn on me. I was tingling and it spread like a warm blanket from the top of my head down to my toes.

Whoever was speaking to me – wanted me to experience love. And of course, the lines about traveling and enjoying each day were profound.

My child, I have a wish

I slowly got up that morning. I stretched and had such a big smile. Once again, one of my songs had helped to heal me.

How blessed I was!

This is the room where the recital was held.

This is the room where the recital was held.

“Passion is all you need – you will succeed”

One of the new doors I have recently opened in my life, was into the safe haven of a new and encouraging vocal coach named Hannah Anders. I told her I’d like to improve my endurance and pitch.

Her philosophy and methods mesh well with my current state of mind. She is not looking for me to change my “style” of singing and actually has demonstrated things for me to do that are completely opposite to what I’ve learned in the past.

I have appreciated all that I’ve learned from my former voice teachers, Peaches and Kimberly. I love the idea that I can learn things from many talented people throughout my life. I get to choose what I want to incorporate, and that freedom of choice is what I embrace. It is a life lesson, and not just about singing.

I had only met with Hannah twice, when she invited me to participate in one of her recitals. On a warm Sunday afternoon, I carried my guitar over to her home and joined eight other vocalists in her living room.

Everyone played one song and the quality of talent there was mesmerizing. After each performance, we went around and each person had a chance to offer feedback and encouragement.

I decided at the last minute to play my new song. I still wasn’t 100% sure about my lyrics, or even my title choice. But my connection was so deep – it didn’t matter how many times I played my song. I was dancing with the words and melody, while crying over it’s dual meaning.

No one could imagine what I have gone through with all of my children.

My three living children are miracles.

One day, maybe they will be open to allowing me to share more about it. But for now, I can admit that there were many times when I felt hopeless. The place where I am today was completely unimaginable when I was struggling to raise them. I celebrate my beautiful children with my new song!

Family Montage

I was able to tape record the recital. Below is a recording and transcription that shares some of the feedback from a few of the lovely vocalists I met that afternoon. Near the end, one woman was crying and had difficulty speaking.

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU Recital Blog Excerpt B

Clapping  (Judy finished playing her song)

Vocalist #1: Oh yes, it was a beautiful song. I could hear the passion in your voice. The chord structure in the arrangement alone was so beautiful – insane! Amazing song; it was really beautiful. I want to thank you for that.

Judy: Well, thank you! I consider my guitar to be my voice. I write the guitar chords before I ever find the melody or lyrics. It speaks to me. I have a line in one of my songs of, “Everything that I have gone through led me to this place.” So everything that I’ve learned in my life, I’ve translated into a song. Everything. It’s so beautiful because now I get to feel like my life is a musical. Thank you!

Vocalist #2: I agree, the song was beautiful. And you meant every word you said; I really felt it. It was very emotional. I agree, you don’t have to be a perfect performer vocally as long as you mean every single word you say. That’s a true artist to me, as well. It was very sweet.

Judy: Thank you. I played it for my daughter last night and she said she liked it – so that’s good! I embarrass my kids.

Vocalist #3: You have something that I want. For me, I felt connected to you. You were connected and that was so damn refreshing to hear. It doesn’t matter about hitting notes and all that. It’s about taking people on a journey.

Judy: That’s what I call it – a journey! That’s amazing you said that!

Vocalist #3: People will take cracked notes, people will take you throwing your shoes off – stepping on your guitar. They’ll take that because they’re on that journey with you. They believe you!

Judy: I want to go there. I just don’t know how anyone will find me. That’s my dilemma.

Vocalist #3: Well, you will – once you find yourself.

Judy: Well, here is the truth about this song; I have to say this.

I was lying awake in the morning feeling a little discouraged and I heard a voice in my head. And the voice said, “My child, I have a wish – for all of your life, find someone to love you the way that I do.”

It was like God was speaking to me – this song I wrote for my children is for me! “As you travel to places you’ve never been. . .” There are so many things I haven’t done; I feel like a kid again. So, anyway, that’s why my music helps me.

Hannah Anders: The gift that you already have, and to remember, is that when you begin to tell a story – when you begin to sing to us, whatever didn’t make it in your voice from training in those three minutes, no one cares. And that’s a really rare gift! The training is the gift to yourself because none of us like to think we don’t have control over our instrument . . .

Judy: Yes, I want to know it won’t crack next time!

Hannah Anders: Exactly, so that’s the gift you give yourself. But the gift that you give when you perform for everybody is that we don’t care – that you may not be perfect, because you’re being incredibly vulnerable to this room.

And that is a lesson to every artist – all of us can get very “in our head, in our ego.” We can’t help ourselves a little bit sometimes. And so this is a reminder that if we’ll just be authentic – much is forgiven!

Judy: I love that – it is a gift!

Vocalist #4: That was beautiful, Judy. I’m going to cry while I talk about it. I have two little kids – and it made me think about them. (She pauses to wipe her tears). I’m so emotional!

Judy: Yes, you love them so much! Thank you – you don’t know how much that means to me.

Vocalist #4: I just couldn’t stop thinking of my kids while you were playing it!

Judy: It’s what we want for our kids.

Vocalist #4: You made such a connection, and that’s what it’s all about – having a connection with the music. I wasn’t even thinking about how you really sounded! You know what I mean? It sounded beautiful, but I wasn’t really thinking about that. I was very emotional.

Judy: Thank you. It means so much to me.

Vocalist #5: Well, even just hearing you talk – when you were introducing yourself, and when you were just talking now – there’s a sense of serenity about you and a sense of comfort with yourself. I feel like that really comes through with your music. That’s huge. As a professional or performer – you just want to have that, in general. You just kind of have it. Everything seems super real; it was awesome.

Judy: Thank you so much. Maybe is because I’m older and I didn’t do it for thirty years. You see, that’s why it’s so great. I love it! It’s my life now. I get to follow my dream.

Thank you all – it meant so much to me!

I was the oldest one there. But I felt so appreciated by all of these wonderful singers. In the picture below, they are all listening to me sing.

I was the oldest one there. But I felt so appreciated by all of these wonderful singers. In the picture below, they are all listening to me sing.

Hannah's studio 4 Sweet smile Judy pink dress

 

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU

Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

 –

My child, I have a wish

for all of your life

someone to love you

the way that I do

You are filled with dreams

endless possibilities

don’t hurry, take it slow

you’ll learn and you’ll grow

As you travel to places you’ve never been

keep on exploring, enjoy every day

I’ll pray that you’re safe while you fly away

When you’re older, the child inside you is there

you will discover wherever you roam

love will be in your heart

and carry you home

I look at your sweet smile

and innocent face

passion is all you need

you will succeed

As you travel to places you’ve never been

keep on exploring, enjoy every day

I’ll pray that you’re safe while you fly away

When you’re older, the child inside you is there

you will discover wherever you roam

love will be in your heart

and carry you home

I want someone to love you

the way that I do

© 2015 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU – PART 1

Judy Smiling 3

This is such an old picture taken from a home movie. I love the way my mother is looking at me!

This is such an old picture taken from a home movie. I love the way my mother is looking at me!

Link to Song page with Performance, links and recordings for SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU

In 2010, when I began writing this blog, I wrote almost daily to share about my life. My filters were gone and I shared more information about my children than they wanted me to. (I went back and deleted a lot.) Perhaps it was because at that time I really didn’t have much of my own life to share. That has changed.

For the last 30 years, I spent my life trying to please my husband (now ex-husband), my parents and my children. I’m encouraging my adult children (who still depend on me) to make their own choices and please themselves.

Today I realize that I am truly on my own!

Carry you home

This has been an emotional and vulnerable time in my life. I am slowly moving through the grief over the death of my parents and my divorce after a long marriage. My eye issues have challenged me more than I can even write here.

Sometimes, I find myself reliving many parts of this beautiful journey I’ve been on for over five years now. Many special people who were with me when I started are not there anymore. Some of them left suddenly, others have died and many have drifted away.

As you travel

I think this is actually a pivotal moment in my journey. I am ready for a new direction, in my life and with my music. There are endless possibilities of what I could do.

I admit that I was disappointed when my five-year relationship with my arranger suddenly ended, but before I could sink into sadness, a beautiful song began to play for me.

Music is my blessing because it heals me and sparks my faith.

I was in no hurry to write lyrics for it. For two weeks, I really savored the beautiful chords that magically appeared on my guitar and enjoyed singing a “la la” melody. I knew I’d hear the lyrics when I was ready for them.

In the meantime, I wondered what my song would be about.

I tried to feel the music. I only write lyrics that apply to my own life. What were my current emotions? Would my song be related to independence? Would it be about courage, loneliness or struggles?

No – it could be none of those things. The music was so sweet and almost like a lullaby.

It was definitely a love song.

Now, how could I possibly write a love song? The last time I was romantically in love, I was 21. I wasn’t going to go there.

My love song became one written to my children!

All of my songs are about my deepest and most honest feelings. The words began to spill out . . .

I cried with one of the most heartfelt lines. It was:

“I want someone to love you, the way that I do.”

My love for my three living children is indescribable and aside from wishing them happiness – I want them to experience love. My two sons (19 and 25) live with me. I’m also very close to my 22-year-old daughter who lives nearby and hangs out with me frequently.

And I know that this was what my parents wanted for me, which also makes me cry.

Kulak's open mic

 

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU

Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

 –

My child, I have a wish

for all of your life

someone to love you

the way that I do

You are filled with dreams

endless possibilities

don’t hurry, take it slow

you’ll learn and you’ll grow

As you travel to places you’ve never been

keep on exploring, enjoy every day

I’ll pray that you’re safe while you fly away

When you’re older, the child inside you is there

you will discover wherever you roam

love will be in your heart

and carry you home

I look at your sweet smile

and innocent face

passion is all you need

you will succeed

As you travel to places you’ve never been

keep on exploring, enjoy every day

I’ll pray that you’re safe while you fly away

When you’re older, the child inside you is there

you will discover wherever you roam

love will be in your heart

and carry you home

I want someone to love you

the way that I do

The infant below is Jason, who died in 1992. I treasure all of my children.

The infant below is Jason, who died in 1992. I treasure all of my children.

© 2015 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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IT’S NOT FOREVER – PART 3

Pine forests and dramatic skies – are very inspiring for me.

Pine forests and dramatic skies – are very inspiring for me. 

Links to Part 1 and Part 2 of this story:

IT’S NOT FOREVER-PART 1 

IT’S NOT FOREVER-PART 2

Below are recent recordings of my song:

It’s Not Forever Vocal 1-25-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

It’s Not Forever Acoustic 1-24-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

It’s Not Forever Guitar Mix – Copyright 2018 by Unger

It’s Not Forever Arrangement 1-25-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

It’s Not Forever Guitar & Piano 1-24-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

To be honest, I did not expect to write a “Part 3” about this song. But just last week, I received an amazing message that I really wanted to share with this story.

I wrote my song “It’s Not Forever” as a way to offer hopefulness – not only to other people, but also for myself. I dedicated it to a certain woman named Sammi. With the words of, “You say your pain will always be there,” I am speaking to her.

On my last post, I completely accepted Sammi’s disagreement with my lyric line of “It’s Not Forever.” She told me that her grief was forever and her pain was never going to change. I understood because I felt exactly that same way for a very long time.

I have shared many exchanges with Sammi on this blog since we first connected on an Internet grief forum three years ago; I have never met her. From the very beginning, I found her writing to be powerful and believed that our exchanges were very touching. Sammi told me that I was free to share any of our correspondence on my blog.

A few weeks ago, I wanted to let her know that I had just posted a song and story dedicated to her. I sent her a message.

A week went by and I didn’t hear from her.

Milk Thistle

Finally, I saw she posted a message on her Facebook grief page named “The Indescribable Journey.” (Her words are in brown and mine black):

Been MIA for a week or so. Had emergency surgery and just got out of the hospital a few days ago. I think I’m related to Job.

I’m so sorry, Sammi. I read your words above and at first I thought it was related to your JOB! Honestly, I know you’ve been working very hard but I’m hoping you are better soon. Please let me know how you are doing.

I share this photo of a large scar on my right arm from 4 years ago when I was burned carrying breakfast on a tray to my former husband. (The hot tea spilled.) My scar is sometimes a painful reminder of my former life, but it also is a beautiful example of healing for me.

I received this scar on my right arm 4 years ago. I was burned carrying breakfast on a tray to my former husband (the hot tea spilled). My scar is sometimes a painful reminder of my former life, but it also is a beautiful example of healing for me.

Another week went by. I was anxious to hear how Sammi was doing and relieved when she finally shared more about her ordeal. But I was completely surprised and shocked by what she wrote.

Sammi is a real person and has suffered from horrible grief in her life. First, she lost her mother when she was 18 and that changed the course of her life. But when her 36-year-old son, AJ died suddenly 3 years ago – the impact that had on her life was indescribable.

I was once told that the agony over losing a child didn’t begin to subside for at least seven years. That ended up being true for me personally.

I share now Sammi’s touching words that she wrote just last week after she came close to death:

I had emergency surgery two weeks ago, something else I didn’t ask for in my life. I had a perforated bowel, so the decision was taken out of my hands. I thought this was just another trial for me to get through, but I was mistaken.

What awaited me after I woke up was wholly unexpected and a gift. I woke up feeling lighter, like I hadn’t felt in three years. I woke up feeling settled, not as angry. I think I had an epiphany. I don’t remember anything from the time I went out before my surgery until I woke up in my room. Nothing. Blank. I just know I felt different.

I discussed this with a few people and one nurse asked me, “How do you know you didn’t have a conversation with your son or with your mother? How do you know you weren’t visited by someone and just are not allowed to remember?” That was a very interesting statement. My sister-in-law said, “Maybe you just realized that you weren’t ready to go yet, you weren’t finished here?”

My best friend told me she prayed daily to AJ to help me get through this intact. She told me she was so afraid I would never come back. When talking with her and with my brother they both said, “You sound different. You sound like you. You’re back!”

I will believe them because I feel that way. I think maybe I saw AJ and my parents and they all gave me a collective boot in the ass and told me to get on with life. The pain of losing my beautiful, smiling boy is still there. The hole in my soul is still there. The sense of loss and a life cut short is still there, but it seems to hover around me until I let it in.

I will decide if it is a strong day or a weak day for me. I will decide to stand tall or crumble.

Grief, my ever-lurking stalker, will be let in by me from now on. I will no longer allow myself to be its victim. I will fight back for my right to exist without constant sorrow.

I think I now have an army behind me on this indescribable journey.

Horizontal sunset

Oh, Sammi, all I can say is, “Wow!” Did you ever believe that was possible? That is exactly the way I’ve described my own personal journey toward healing. The memories of pain and the ache can always be ignited, but feeling lighter about life is such a gift. Perhaps in your dreams, bits and pieces will be revealed to you over time. I am so happy for you, Sammi. And relieved that you are okay! Sending love and a big hug.

No, Judy. I did not believe it was possible. Ever. I don’t know if I will ever know what happened, but I accept it as a gift. Yes, I can jump back down into that darkness again. The way is open. There are no roadblocks. I won’t though. I want to move forward. Now I actually want it.

My mouth is hanging down – this is more than unbelievable. The day you were in surgery, I posted a song and story dedicated to you. I shared your message of how you were certain your grief was forever. It really is in a way; grief changes us. But the ugliness can turn into something beautiful.

How can that be? In your case, I feel a kinship. I know something you do not realize. What you actually want is to be in the light to inspire and help others, which you most certainly will.

I am coming along slowly. I have read my reports and have learned how scary the whole thing really was. I don’t think I have truly comprehended the touch and go situation I was in, but I am starting to. I got part of my staples and sutures removed yesterday and that was a relief, two more weeks and I see the surgeon again and have the others removed. I am always tired and very antsy when I’m up. Nothing worse than an RN for a patient; I am feeling better though.

Not to burst your bubble but “the light” is the last choice I would make. I don’t like the “center of attention spot.”

Actually, light can be interpreted many ways. I didn’t mean spotlight. I meant that you managed to just get the hell out of that dark place you were in. I see my son as my light. You were in AJ’s light (and your mom and dad’s).

Helping others is: sharing how you managed to survive, as well as to embrace life again.

Trees, Sunlight and Rainbows

© 2015 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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