myjourneysinsight

ALL OF MY TEARS GAVE ME COMPASSION

Posted on May 20, 2014 by Judy

Tomorrow is my father's birthday. He died two years ago. My father was in a lot of pain and had difficulty smiling. In this picture, he made the effort to.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He died two years ago. My father was in a lot of pain and had difficulty smiling toward the end of his life. In this picture, he made the effort to smile.

If there is anything this world needs more of – in my mind it would be compassion. To begin with, I wish I even had more compassion for myself. I often hear an inner voice filled with judgment that berates me when I’m depressed.

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I was talking with a new friend I made from my dry eye support group. After sharing her many challenges, she said, “I know I’m a loser.” I was so sad to hear her say that about herself.

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Recently I was devastated when someone I work with told me, “Jude, your problem is your lack of appreciation.”

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Nothing could have been more hurtful for me and I sucked it up.

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It was so reminiscent of when I lost my child. It is horribly lonely to carry grief inside because nobody wants to hear about it. Having other people who aren’t in pain telling me to “get over it” is more infuriating than I can even find words for.

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I don’t really spend a lot of energy imagining that I’ve been cursed with any form of loss in my life as punishment for something I’ve done – certainly not because I wasn’t grateful enough about my life.

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But I do imagine that this time is an opportunity for me to become even more compassionate toward others. I’ve written comments to many bereaved parents of, “Your child wants you to feel better.” Now I realize that my remark really isn’t compassionate. It just compounds the pain of grief; it adds guilt because now the parent has disappointed a dead child on top of everything else.

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My post title is a lyric line from one of my favorite songs “Clear.” Recently, I sang new vocals for both of my different arrangements of this song. “Clear” is truly an amazing song that helped to push me out the door to change my life. I trembled when singing it because there was tremendous irony with the words, “I opened my eyes – life became clear.”

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I never stop dreaming that will happen again for me someday. Until then, even though my physical world is foggy and painful – I never stop relishing my freedom to explore my inner mind searching for insight.

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Below are links to stories and audio for my song “Clear”

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Story behind CLEAR-PART 1

Story behind CLEAR-PART 2

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I do appreciate my life and wish the world held less misery for every creature.

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I’m amazed at how quickly life races by me. In an instant, another week has passed – when it feels like last week was only yesterday.

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Two weeks ago I had an appointment with my editor, Carol Walkey on a Monday. Carol didn’t live close by, so we planned to meet at a restaurant somewhere in the middle. It wasn’t far from the large hospital where I went for my eye appointments. So it was a perfect opportunity for me to pick up two new medicines that were ordered for my dry eye condition.

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But at the pharmacy, I was told that I couldn’t order my new eye medicines because my health insurance had been terminated. It was something I would have to deal with later on. Because of my divorce I knew I would be getting COBRA benefits, so I wasn’t too worried.

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As I waited for Carol, my eyes didn’t hurt quite as much as usual; I was blanketed by melodies in my mind. After ten minutes when Carol didn’t show up, I called her and she profusely apologized. She had forgotten because of some family problems; her husband’s son had been severely injured in a car accident. We rescheduled our lunch for the following week.

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I decided to order lunch and ate alone. I enjoyed myself and was relaxed and accepting about everything.

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The week zipped by and it was Monday again. I had hoped my medical insurance problem was going to be resolved after a week, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t even allowed to make an appointment on the phone and wondered what would happen if I were sick.

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I decided to be my own advocate by going into the medical center that was nearby to where I was meeting Carol.

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I met with a health care representative at member services. She called my husband’s employer to find out what the problem was. She was placed on hold for a long time, just like I was. Finally her call went through and the person who could help was already out to lunch.

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This representative seemed sympathetic when I told her that I needed to get those medications. She spoke with a supervisor to see if my prescriptions could be ordered, but to no avail. I could feel anger mounting when I was informed that I would be charged for medical insurance going back several weeks. I was going to have to pay for services I wasn’t getting and that didn’t seem fair at all. I told her I wanted to file a complaint.

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Most of this problem had resulted because all of the correspondence had been mailed to my ex-husband, instead of me. I hadn’t received it in a timely fashion and how was I to know if he didn’t share the mail with me?

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All the while as I sat there, my eyes were throbbing and tearing uncontrollably. After two hours, I left. I was told it was going to take a few more days, but I was glad I made the time to sort things out. I raced to my car and realized I was now fifteen minutes late to my lunch with Carol. I took a few deep breaths and drove there carefully. I wondered if I could change gears and enjoy my lunch.

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Carol was waiting and told me I looked happy. That surprised me because I didn’t think I smiled much anymore.

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It had been almost a year since I’d seen Carol. She was retired and had worked as a journalist and editor at a large newspaper. Editing was a nice side job for her, and she had helped edit the 34 stories I wrote for my first audio book.

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Carol was such a lovely woman. One of the most interesting things about her was the fact that she had a wonderful marriage to a fascinating man who was a former Disney Imagineer. He was much older than she was. It wasn’t until she was 60 years old that Carol decided she was ready to consider getting married if the right person came along. And shortly thereafter, she met her future husband who was divorced after 48 years of marriage.

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We finished our lunch and then I hesitantly asked her what she thought about the new material I had emailed. She handed me a large envelope and began to summarize some of her notes to me.

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She began by saying, “Judy, do you realize how you say the same thing over and over? Too many words, short is sweeter. I listen to the way you speak; you’re clear and to the point. But when you write you go on and on with a lot of detachment.”

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I already knew Carol would hate my Princess writings. Those were in third person and anytime I wrote “she” Carol felt I was distancing myself. I hadn’t given her any of that to read though.

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Carol continued. “You don’t have to tell your readers everything – like a staircase, you want to climb up to the top without listing every step. And I hate it when you say things like – the amputation of my soul. You’ve said that too many times already! What I want to hear are real feelings. When you wrote Jason’s story, there were things in there of a personal nature and that is what moved me.”

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I understood. I said, “You mean like when I spoke about the opera of Jason’s death.”

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Carol nodded. She could see my eyes were big and was concerned she had hurt my feelings. With kindness she told me she knew she was being critical, but emphasized that it was constructive criticism.

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I reassured her that I could handle it. What I had sent her was a rough piece that I wanted feedback on before developing it further. I liked her advice and thanked her for being so honest with me.

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She said softly, “Have you considered that since you speak so well, perhaps instead you should just talk instead of typing? Record your heartfelt words and then transcribe that.”

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Her advice was terrific and I would definitely give it a try.

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Then she added, “Judy, you say that you are a passionate songwriter. Can you find a more interesting way to write about that?”

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I began to describe to her how I see my songs as part of a garden. I am a song gardener, tending to all of them as they have grown from tiny seeds into wondrous blooms. As I talked about it, Carol enthusiastically nodded.

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“You see – that is far more interesting! Also you mention how your father suffered and your mother had dementia. Many people have declining parents and could relate to that. But you just glossed over it and didn’t reveal much.”

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I had not to gone into detail about that because my story was already so long. But it turned out that was the kind of material I needed.

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I became thoughtful as I searched for an example of my father’s suffering to share with her. The few thoughts that entered my mind caused my throat to tighten. I tried to speak, but my voice quivered and I had to stop.

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As we left the restaurant, Carol said, “Now you understand what you need to write and I can’t wait to read your revisions. We’ll meet again soon.”

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I wasn’t sure what I was feeling while driving home. The doubt that constantly clouded my life was setting in. Was I making a mistake redoing my book? How long was this process going to take? The microphone tests I had done with Lon weren’t that great and a lot of audio editing was going to be required to remove sibilance on whatever I recorded.

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Yet now I was very motivated to write something that would be far more touching. Sometimes I’ve noticed that my writing on my blog has been rambling and repetitive. I didn’t want any of that for my audio book – Carol was right.

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I don't think I ever can remember seeing my father this happy - even when I was young.

I don’t think I ever can remember seeing my father this happy. This is a picture of him as a young man.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. His urinary issues and painful infections wore him out and he told me that he looked forward to dying.

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He went into a coma on his 88th birthday two years ago and died five days later. His death was more a result of dehydration than anything else. He was fairly aware of his death and it was horrible to watch.

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I had started to describe to Carol how a simple trip in the car with my father was a major stressor for both of us. I would be picking him up from the nursing home and bringing him for a visit to my home. It was the highlight of his week. First, I would fold up his wheelchair and put it in my trunk. He would admonish me to be careful lifting it, so as not to hurt my back.

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Then I would gently give him a boost into my minivan. As he sat down, he would tightly grip his catheter bag and let out howling moan.

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I would always drive as carefully as I could when he was in my car. I made sure that I slowed down for every bump in road.

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But sometimes I didn’t see one. As the car bounced, my father would curse and let out a horrific scream. Then he would dissolve into sobs and yell at me to be a better driver. A few moments later, he would apologize for yelling at me. He would sniffle and cry softly for the remainder of our trip.

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I have my father’s cap in my closet where I can see it.

Yes, this was something I could write about.

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Thinking of his absence over the last two years, is a mixed bag. I miss his caring and concern for me. His last phone message was to see how my eyes were because at that time I had started having problems seeing; I didn’t know I had cataracts.

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I miss the feeling of him loving me so much; I also know he would be overwhelmed worrying about me at this time in my life.

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So the truth is, I do not miss my suffering father.

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It was too hard to watch.

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This is the last picture taken of my father two days before his final birthday and subsequent coma.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged beautiful music, Carol Bidwell Walkey, Carol Walkey, Clear, compassion, composing, courage to change, dad dying, death, death from sepsis, death of my dad, death of my father, editor, facing divorce after a long marriage, father dying, father's death, father's illness, grief, grief and compassion, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a father, loss of my dad, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories of father, original songs, Parents, releasing pain through writing, songwriting | 4 Comments

I WANT TO BELIEVE IN YOU

Posted on May 17, 2014 by Judy

My voice teacher, Kimberly is holding one of her beautiful fairy sculptures. I consider them all to be images for Melody, my inspirational muse.

Consciously, I know that self-doubt is poison to my soul. But my sub-conscious controls a lot more of my thinking than I wish it did. It takes a lot of effort for me to counteract negative messages that are from my past.

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Self-doubt dissolves my energy and purpose and it is something I wrestle with constantly. So when I hear my inner voice speaking to me with confidence, I listen carefully to it.

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My journey of insight began four years ago and for most of that time, I’ve worked tirelessly trying to create something that I could sell and promote, not so much for money, but as a way to reach and touch more people. A few months ago, it seemed like I was finally close to finishing my project. But then I became frustrated and anxious while trying to finalize everything. I had hired several people to help me, but I wasn’t really getting anything improved over what I began with. But most importantly, I didn’t have confidence in my own recordings at all.

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Then, for the first time in over a year I listened to my audio book introduction. (It was recorded three years ago, prior to my divorce.) My message of how I discovered happiness and healing because of music did not sound authentic to me. I didn’t believe my own voice!

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After that, I decided not to release my entire ten-hour audio book even though I spent thousands of hours creating it. I have far more insight now than when I recorded my book in 2011. And since I’ve improved as a singer, I am certain I could improve as a speaker and sound less artificial.

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Within two weeks of my revelation, I wrote ten pages of new material to fulfill my new vision for my audio book. (I changed my message and will share more about that soon.) The best part of my original audio book was Jason’s story and it had emotion I’m not sure I can re-create. For now it will be on my first disk; although I might re-record it if the new recordings are far superior.

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I created a simple introduction, as well as an inspirational conclusion that will follow Jason’s story. I plan to release a single CD and later disks might be a combination of new and old recordings. A CD of my most soothing songs will be included with the first audio book CD. It will be named “Beside Me Always.”

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I love the idea that I came up with something that wasn’t an “all or none” proposition. Getting away from thinking in extremes is far more invigorating for me.

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I sent off my new material to my editor to get her feedback. I tested out many different microphones with the same man who is mastering an instrumental CD for me. I wanted a microphone that worked better for my speaking voice so my recordings wouldn’t be as sibilant as before.

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I am working with Lon Miller who is a teacher at Los Angeles Recording School. Lon donated a sound system to Kulak’s Woodshed where I occasionally perform. Some of his students have been assisting me with editing tasks.

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With the pain in my eyes, everything is harder for me.

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But I feel tremendous energy and purpose again and for that I am grateful.

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THE PRINCESS FELT HOPELESS

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The Princess was having trouble. On one hand, she was filled with amazement at her enduring strength and purpose. She was bursting with creativity and everything she did was beautiful and meaningful for her.

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But the price to do this was high.

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She was burdened because she could barely open her eyes; the pain had steadily increased. Sometimes her eyes felt foggy and irritated. And then there were other times when the pain was so agonizing that it was hard for her to think clearly. Even though she was determined to overcome this obstacle, sometimes it felt hopeless. She wanted to believe she was healing, but it was definitely getting worse.

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It was hard for her to be with other people. Even though her pain wasn’t visible, she was certain it was obvious because her eyes were narrowed and her vision inward. She could not really communicate well because her mind was always screaming at the pain.

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When she was alone she felt better because she was able to distract herself. Music soothed her and took away her pain. She was more than grateful for the remedy that saved her. But this had become a very low point in her life.

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God continued to send her beautiful signs. She grasped at all of them and desperately tried to hang on to hope.

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She wanted to have a conversation with God but did not want to appear ungrateful for all of her blessings. The last thing she wanted to do was cry out in pain expressing the unfairness of her condition. She suppressed those feelings.

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But one day when the pain was unbearable, she wailed to the heavens. It was only in her mind because she never made a sound.

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She waited for some form of insight to come to her. The Princess trembled when she heard a gentle voice. Wisdom began to wash over her.

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The voice explained to her that this was probably the most difficult part of her journey.

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The Princess had been through other difficult situations where she never gave up hope. Now that her parents had died, she didn’t have their care to worry about. Although her three children still depended on her, they had become much more self-reliant than when her journey began.

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She cried, “I have far less to carry, yet now I am burdened by my own pain!”

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The voice said, “Princess, suffering is not your destiny. The magical musical elixir I gave you will continue to carry you. It is going to take you to places you cannot imagine at this moment. But there is something you need to find in order to continue your journey.”

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The Princess thought about what she needed to find. Was it strength? She felt so weak and vulnerable.

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Was it faith in God? Doubt was the opposite of faith. She often hid her doubts about God. She also knew that doubt caused her anguish and the Princess had a lot of doubts about what she was devoting herself to – she was exhausted.

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Was it compassion? So often, the Princess had encouraged others to hang on to hope, but now she felt hopeless. Just imagining feeling better in the future did not take away her pain. That meant her message was not really helpful to others. She was simply preaching to them.

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The voice knew the Princess was unsure and said, “Princess, it is none of those things.”

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The voice continued, “This is not about whether you have faith in me. This is not about whether you are compassionate enough with other people. This is not about whether you are an example to others.”

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The Princess murmured softly, “God, I am not clear. What is it then?”

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The voice said softly, “Princess, you need to believe in yourself. That is your light to buoy you through the darkness. Turn your faith and compassion to yourself.”

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As the voice began to fade, the last words she heard were, “Hope is with you always. You will feel better soon – trust me.”

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With those words the Princess felt tears roll down her cheeks. Now she understood. She never had to doubt her message – it was the most important one of all.

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She would continue to hang on to hope.

Tagged audio book, Audio book recording, composing, confidence, creativity, doubt, doubts about God, faith in God, faith vs. doubt, God, guitar, haunting melody, having hope, healing from grief, hope, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, hopelessness, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a mom, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, melody, muse, Music, music and healing, optimism, original songs, positive outlook, positive thinking, sadness, singing, song, songwriter, songwriting, staying positive, The Princess, uplifting music, writing | 3 Comments

HOPING

Posted on May 12, 2014 by Judy

My voice teacher, Kimberly has a beautiful collection of fairy sculptures. I added the crystal ball using the magic of Photoshop.

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hope: confidence, desire, want, expectation, optimism, anticipation

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Click the blue link below to hear music that touches me deeply. I have not yet written song lyrics for it, but I’m hoping to soon.

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I always looked forward to my weekly sessions with George. I was not up to writing anything new and we had started working on a new arrangement for an older song the week before. But I wasn’t too excited about it.

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A few days earlier, I fooled around with an old instrumental thinking perhaps it would inspire me to compose a new song. But it didn’t. Then I remembered another old song. It was actually the only song I wanted to erase from my repertoire and was named “If You Should See Me.”

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That song did have some nice verse chords, but I intensely disliked the lyrics. It was about my regret over breaking up with an old boyfriend and wondering how I’d feel if I saw him again.

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When I recorded “If You Should See Me” in 2010, I used the same lyrics I wrote as a young girl. I worked from an old song sheet and didn’t remember the chorus at all. When I recorded the song, the chorus melody seemed monotonous.

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I printed out the chords and played them on my guitar. I was surprised; it turned out that the verse lyrics seemed applicable to my current life. They expressed my confusion. Instead of an old boyfriend, maybe I was wondering if I’d ever feel better – would I see well again without pain?

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I reworked them slightly below:

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I came to work with George. It was a beautiful day and I walked from my car with my eyes closed; the sunlight was painful. George smiled and asked me what we would be working on.

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I told him that I didn’t feel like finishing the song we had started last week. Instead, I mentioned that I had a possible song we could rework into something completely new. I had verses but needed some help for the chorus; I wanted completely new chords.

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George’s eyes twinkled with the look he often gets when he feels a musical challenge. He started playing the verse chords on his piano and goose bumps began popping out on my arms. It didn’t take long before those verses were simply magnificent. His piano and guitar lines danced with the lovely waltz rhythm.

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I wanted the chorus to be very different from the verses. George began to experiment with many interesting chord progressions. If I liked what he did I yelped, “That’s it!”

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Line by line the chorus chords slowly formed. We finally reached the last line of the chorus. George played several choices for me, but none of them seemed to work. Then as he was playing I said, “Stop! Right there – that hangs and I want it to be the final chord. It’s totally unresolved and I love how it sounds!”

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I was brimming with excitement and so glad we had begun working on something new.

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George and I created an introduction that I could easily hear as a new song by itself. I loved it so much that I decided it would also make a perfect ending. On our last new arrangement for “Laughter and Tears” his introduction was so beautiful that we used it for the solo portion of that song.

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I had no idea that an old song I disliked could inspire this! In four hours we managed to finish a good portion of the song. George said, “Jude, what shall I name the file in order to save it?”

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I really had no idea since I hadn’t written the new lyrics for it. I read him some of the former lyric lines I had thought of keeping; those lines were about my search to feel better.

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I said, “George, I know it sounds like another sad song. I do want my song to be hopeful because I say, “I’m hoping I’ll find you again.”

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George smiled and said, “Sis, you are one of the most hopeful people I know. For now, let’s just call it Hoping!”

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I didn’t mind that at all. I left our session with a new recording I treasured. I found myself composing a melody and as I hummed it, my heart was lifted into the heavens.

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Late that night, I wrote out some possible lyrics.

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Those words above were simple. I felt like expressing how looking at nature was uplifting. I wanted to feel God in order to conquer my uncertainty. But after writing those lines above, I couldn’t decide what my message was going to be for the part of the song that was the most important.

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Those words fell on the last line of the chorus; a background choir’s sweet notes hung over unresolved chords.

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I wrote a few lines and had to stop. My words were very depressing and not hopeful at all!

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A few days later, I returned to George to continue working on the arrangement. I said to George, “You’re not going to like some lyrics I came up with. They’re very dark.”

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George said, “The music is not sad at all and I’d like to see you write something truly uplifting. Then he added with complete candor, “Jude, if you use the word pain in this song I’m going to slap you!”

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I couldn’t believe it – I had used that word; how did he know? Now I remembered how he hadn’t liked the word pain in the last song I wrote either.

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Unfortunately, the theme of pain was concurrent with my life. What was also there was extreme empathy for friends of mine who were suffering with pain. My friend, Marilyn had multiple myeloma. Another dear friend, Magda had been tormented by MS for many years and it only continued to get worse.

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I crumpled up my lyrics and figured I’d try again. After all, the possible name for this beautiful song was “Hoping.”

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Somehow I just knew I would find a way to write words to grace the beautiful music and it would help heal my aching soul.

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© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, arranging music, beautiful music, comforting music, composing, courage, creativity, death, doubts about God, faith, gratefulness, grief, grief and optimism, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, Hoping, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, optimism, optimism about life, original songs, overcoming sadness, pain and suffering, positive outlook, positive thinking, singing, songwriting, staying positive, thinking positive, wanting answers about life, why there is pain and suffering | Leave a comment

YOU TRULY ARE MY BUTTERFLY

Posted on May 11, 2014 by Judy

This is one of my illustrations for a book cover. After twenty years of being lost, I received it back from Harper Publishing last week!

This is one of my illustrations that was used on a book cover. After twenty years of being lost, I received it back from Harper Publishing last week!

When I began my blog, there were many times when I wrote humorous stories about stressful situations in my life. A woman once told me, “Judy, your writing has me laughing and crying!”

Recently I recorded my song “Laughter and Tears” and that song is an excellent metaphor for my life.

Lately I search hard for laughter and have plenty of tears; I see irony with that because I suffer from dry eye syndrome. I do know that I am filled with deep emotion in my current life. For years I was numb and suppressed my feelings and I realize that it was my way of coping with deep unhappiness.

When my son Jason died in 1992, it was my surviving children that became my focus and kept me from succumbing to my grief. I wrote a song named “No Words” for them and recently started creating a new arrangement for it. Once again, the music held magic for me. The words that came from my heart to describe what it meant when my children were born still touch me today.

This is a link to my story about the song I wrote for my children: NO WORDS

On my last post, I shared a picture with my daughter and wrote that she “truly is my butterfly.” Those are lyrics from my song “No Words.” I no longer see my children as a means of healing my broken heart. I want to see them fly like butterflies! Their transformation has been gradual but tremendous.

My 17-year-old youngest son loves his school and participates in many wonderful extra-curricular activities. Shortly after I moved out in 2012, he was accepted into a new school that was close to my parents’ old coop. It was one of the reasons why I moved there. His relaxed and happy nature fills our apartment with great energy. But his consumption of food keeps me busy shopping!

Recently his life has been like a fairytale. He participated with three classmates and they entered their science fair project into a contest sponsored by NASA Aerospace Corporation. His team became one of the top five finalists; this was out of the entire United States. His story is even more beautiful considering that his school is for children with learning disabilities; obviously this was not a major hurdle since they were picked over thousands of schools.

NASA paid for my son and his classmates to fly to Washington DC so they could be there when the winners were announced. Even though his team wasn’t #1, he was definitely a winner from the entire experience. This trip would always be a highlight in his life.

My 23-year-old son has also been thriving. When he first moved in with me, he was suffering from depression and anxiety; he was deeply discouraged as he searched for any kind of job after graduating from college. Since my daughter moved out, he doesn’t sleep in my living room anymore.

I encouraged him to enroll in a tax preparation course. I was quite proud to see how serious he was about it. With his worried nature, he constantly told me he would fail. But he didn’t, and the same company hired him where he took his tax course.

It seems that he has found the career he wants, in no small part due to my older brother’s encouragement. My brother, Norm is a CPA and has always said he would love a family member to take over his practice someday. My son is back in school pursing an accounting degree and seems much happier than he was last year.

This picture of me with my brother Norm was taken a few weeks ago.

This picture of me with Norm was taken a few weeks ago.

Soon it will be two years since my father died. Seeing my two brothers together in the old picture above makes me wistful. Unfortunately, I was not able to fix their relationship and they no longer communicate with each other. Fortunately, I am in touch with both of them.

Soon it will be two years since my father died. Seeing my two brothers together in this old picture above makes me wistful. Unfortunately, I was not able to fix their relationship and they no longer communicate with each other. But I am in touch with both of them.

And lastly, my 20-year-old daughter was promoted at the restaurant where she has worked for over a year. As a server, she is thrilled with the amount of money she is now getting due to tips. This has been such a beautiful change after all of the recent turmoil she went through – a cut near her eye at work and a minor car accident.

For Mother’s Day, I’m going with my two boys to be served by her where she works. Nothing could make me prouder.

Since she moved out last February, we’ve been getting along so much better. The irritability that often bounced between us is gone. Because my daughter is also a songwriter, it’s a wonderful feeling when she lets me share music with her.

She came over for a visit a few weeks ago and while hanging out with me, she gave me a strumming lesson. (I am definitely far more adept at fingerpicking than strumming.) She is the opposite and has a talent for strumming. It was such a pleasure to receive instructions from her. She said, “Mommy, do you hear the difference? It sounds so much better! Don’t forget – down, up, down, up – up, down, up!”

I kept trying and stumbling. But inside I was dancing.

On the day my daughter visited, my sons were hungry and kept asking when we would be eating dinner. After my strumming lesson, I put away my guitar and went into the kitchen to check my refrigerator. I pulled out item after item and soon my kitchen counter was covered with food.

All of my children ate different things. I passed out their favorite food items while beaming. I treasured them and it was a wonderful moment.

I slipped away for a moment to use the bathroom. With a smile on my face I sat down and then I landed in the toilet bowl with a splash!

I just sat there and was completely annoyed. It was not a great feeling.

I wiped myself off and came out of the bathroom. I wasn’t smiling. I said to my sons, “How many times do I need to remind you to please put the toilet seat down? I just fell in!”

But now, all three of my large children were laughing hysterically. I just didn’t find it as funny as they did. Both my sons were very half-hearted when they told me they would try harder to remember. And then an upsetting discussion began.

My oldest son said, “Mom, I do try to remember – but it’s not that hard to put the seat down yourself.”

My youngest son guffawed and said, “Can’t you just look before you sit down? That would help!”

I explained to both of them that this was the proper thing to do for a woman.

Then my youngest son said, “Mom, I honestly think it is ridiculous. I know I have to do this because you are the queen of this castle. I get that. But why should men do this? I believe in equality and you don’t deserve special treatment just because you’re a woman.”

That upset me. I told my son that by being a gentleman – he would certainly be more attractive to women.

He responded with, “Mom, next thing I know you’ll tell me I have to open doors! It’s the same thing. I will do what I have to in order to get a woman – but I don’t plan to stay that way! There simply is no way that a woman deserves for me to go out of my way based on her sex.”

I pointed out to my son that if two men weren’t living with me – I wouldn’t encounter this. In public restrooms the seats were down.

My youngest son laughed and said, “Oh, mom! That’s because you go into a public restroom where women go. If you went into the men’s room you’d see it’s not that way!

I decided at that moment that both my son’s were little dragons. If they were butterflies, I would have swatted them. I sighed; it looked like I would have to find another way to get what I wanted.

A week later I put up a sign. It didn’t work well because it was on the wall behind them. I created a simpler one they would see in front of them. They’re remembering 50% of the time now.

I share my first sign that my oldest son crumpled and put in the trash. I liked my sign!

I received this beautiful bouquet from my former housekeeper Rosa and her daughters. I was surprised by a knock on the door and all six of Rosa’s grandchildren came in to hug me (I always try to remember all of their birthdays). It was definitely a special moment! Today is my first Mother’s Day with my mother gone.