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I have now written four songs since I finished recalling all of the music from my youth. The process of composing them was similar. It started with a beautiful looping melody in my head that played throughout my day. After that, I constructed the chords on my guitar. The melody and music told me what the new song would be about. The lyrics followed easily, because I heard them in my mind.

Two months ago, I wrote a song that was so painful I could not publicly share it. I now realize that my songwriting is my subconscious speaking to me.

With my newest song “Clear,” I am sharing an inspirational message to the world and to myself. I plan to continue turning my life around and getting up off the ground where I was stuck for a very long time.

My song evolved over a period of one month, and is still quite fresh. It was actually on the day when I recorded my song that I finished composing it. I thought my song was done, but then my subconscious voice spoke loudly to me.

Originally, I had the line leading up to “my life became clear” as “I followed my heart.” On a humorous note, it reminded me of a restaurant with that title. I changed it to “I opened my heart.” Even though I liked “I opened my heart; my life became clear,” it was a moment of clarity when I changed the line to “I opened my eyes, life became clear.”

Now my song expressed perfectly how one day I opened my eyes and woke up. After that, I saw my life quite differently.

It was when I wanted to improve the melody for that lyric line that my song expanded in a beautiful way. The new melody was so lovely; I decided to add another line leading up to it. I searched and searched for something to rhyme with clear that would fit my song.

When the line came to me, I was overcome with joy and amazement. Singing those words felt ethereal and I made sure my song’s arrangement conveyed it. That one line was how my journey began.

It was “beautiful music I could hear.”

My life was silent and sad for decades. The beautiful music that fills my life with joy resulted from my clarity. I am so grateful for the gift I was given.

That gift is my life.

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My daughter and I went for a hike and she brought along her camera.

CLEAR

Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

Not long ago I was a child, then a young girl,

now I’m even older

A woman so wise, but I realize

my life went by quickly, I blinked my eyes

When I grew up, I became sad

Life beat me down; I felt broken

Though it may seem a little extreme

I turned my life around, to follow my dream

I carried on; I lived with heartache

I was so numb; I wasn’t awake

It all changed, I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

As I grow old, I’ll keep my smile

All of my tears gave me compassion

I was asleep; my pain was so deep

I turned my life around; with joy I now weep

I carried on, but inside I wept

I cried for the losses I could not accept

It all changed, when I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

I celebrate; it’s never too late

To turn your life around

No reason to wait

I carried on, I lived with heartache

I was so numb, I wasn’t awake

It all changed, when I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

When my life ends, I won’t be afraid

I’m grateful for the gift I was given

I celebrate, it wasn’t too late

I turned my life around, got up off the ground

happiness I found

No reason to wait

–

 “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

I composed my song “Clear” at a time when I had tremendous financial pressure and both my mother and father were in poor health. Although I was confident that my stories and music would be comforting to many people, I sometimes wrestled with fear that “following my dream” was innapropriate given my circumstances. With the line of “no reason to wait,” my subconscious was clearly speaking to me. My song was a gift that filled me with serenity and determination; whether or not I made money – I would continue doing what I loved.

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I originally thought I would name my song “I Turned My Life Around.” I decided upon the title “Clear” instead, because my clarity was far more meaningful for me and was the reason I turned my life around.

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Because my clarity was achieved when I let go of fear, I want to share some of my former fears, and what it means to have clarity in my life now:

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Fear was dreading and anticipating future loss, sadness and pain. Clarity was treasuring every moment possible with my loved ones.

Fear was feeling doubtful and uncertain; worrying about possible challenges in the future that I wasn’t sure I could handle. Clarity was feeling positive of my self-worth. I knew I was successful and didn’t require monetary compensation or approval from anyone else in order to feel that way.

Fear was being afraid of being alone. Clarity represented the peace and serenity I achieved when I was by myself while writing, composing music or creating artwork. I felt joy simply by doing what I loved. Sharing was beautiful for me because I was so passionate about my creations.

Fear was expecting someone else to soothe me and save me. Clarity was about not needing someone or something material to make me happy. I was content and found serenity with many simple things. With a paper and pencil I could write lyrics; I could hum a melody to soothe myself anytime I needed to.

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Fear was worrying if I had done something that caused someone else to be unhappy. Clarity was not blaming myself for their unhappiness or attempting to cure their problem. Instead, I preferred to help other people solve their own problems. I also especially encouraged them to find their own joy.

Fear was not allowing myself to feel emotion because it was too scary; this led to numbness. Clarity was recognizing that suppressing emotion in order to avoid pain required tremendous energy, and that led to general fatigue and dullness. Expressing honest feelings allowed all of my energy to be directed instead toward living with vigor, passion and enthusiasm.

Fear was seeing my life as wasted, sad, and closing in on old age fraught with deterioration. Clarity was seeing the portion of my life remaining as exciting and thrilling. I had so much relief about not waiting any longer or wasting any more time.

Fear was the terror of imagining the end of my life. Clarity was accepting life was finite. It was that simple fact that made my life meaningful and deeply treasured. Living with passion was so satisfying that even if my life ended tomorrow, I was grateful and inspired for the life I had lived. I was always grateful for the many talents I was born with, but the gift I was grateful for the most was my life.

Fear was looking up and seeing only the ceiling. It was familiar, drab and colorless. Clarity was looking up and seeing a beautiful sky instead. The many intricate colors represented exciting new vistas under those skies to dream about. Now I looked forward to new experiences and just thinking of those possibilities caused me to weep with joy.

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The line that I love most in my song “Clear,” is the one about getting up off the ground; that image I see of myself is a very real one and I wrote about it in my story “There Was Hope For Me.” Often, many of my lyric lines can be found within my stories.

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A year before composing “Clear,” I wrote a poem, “My Tears Filled an Ocean.” My poem described how “I was not afraid;” I closed my eyes and descended into the dark depths of my ocean of tears so I could see Jason again. When I opened my eyes, he was there and I was touched by his love and emanating glow. At that moment, I finally understood that I didn’t need to drown myself in order to see Jason; I would see him again when my life was over. After that, I crawled forth from my ocean of tears onto a new shore. I stood up and celebrated how I had reached a beautiful destination I could never have imagined. That vision definitely represented the beginning of my clarity and how I began to see the world around me quite differently than I had before.

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I look at my grief as something that has added great meaning and depth to my life; all of my tears have definitely given me tremendous compassion for others who are suffering. Yet even when I was grieving, I maintained a smile. My line of, “As I grow old, I’ll keep my smile,” is an honest, because I plan to continue smiling for the rest of my life, whatever I might face. My smile has always been my beacon to light up the world and everything around me.

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The ethereal line of “beautiful music I could hear,” tells my story of how music began to play in my mind as I healed; with my joy, the music grew even louder. My world was silent and sad for decades, until exquisite melodies began to fill my heart with joy.

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I have described my former life as “Zombieland” where I lived a plodding existence. There was nothing I looked forward to, and I really felt like I was sleepwalking through my life. Thankfully, my current life is one where I am wide-awake; I see everything clearly now, and am completely in touch with my feelings.

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It was one thing for me to experience the pain of grief, but for many years after that I was never able to truly let go of grief because of the challenges I continued to face raising my children and dealing with my elderly parents. For personal reasons, I cannot share details about my family. But I am definitely an example of the “sandwich generation.” Stress and worry always felt familiar, and it became a habit for me to stuff my emotions. I didn’t expect that anything would ever change, even though I was always grateful for so much in my life.

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My journey began when I decided to take a different path. When my new path appeared, I was ready to follow it. With my new path everything changed for me. I opened up my heart to the world, I found my music and I became fulfilled and happy. Even though it might have taken me many years, I am so grateful I didn’t wait any longer. I wish every human could find his or her own path.

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It is never too late.

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.