Tag Archives: loss of a father

WITH ME WHEN I WAS BORN

When I have a song that “grabs” and uplifts me, I feel like every day is my birthday. Continue reading

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ALL OF MY TEARS GAVE ME COMPASSION

Tomorrow is my father's birthday. He died two years ago. Thinking of his absence over the last two years, is a mixed bag. I miss his caring and concern for me, but hated watching him suffer toward the end of his life. Continue reading

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HOW HARD IT IS JUST SAYING GOODBYE

I have written that with Jason’s death, an opera played over and over in my mind. It is interesting how that has been happening with my father’s death. Although Jason’s opera had no melody or music, my song “Set You Free” continues to play over and over as I see the moment of my father’s death replayed throughout my day. I accept it and I understand that it is my mind’s way of trying to grasp the concept that my dad is physically gone forever. But in so many other ways, he is still with me. Hearing how much he touched other people has been very meaningful for me. Continue reading

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OUR LOVE REMAINS WITH EACH TEAR

Tonight, one of the nurses who read my blog told me that my writing is very sad. That led to an interesting discussion. I admit that I write about very sad things. I have written a great deal on my blog over the past two years, and I know that there were also times when I was humorous and witty. But my writing is truly about honesty. As a writer and a person, I am transparent and completely open. I do not hold back. There are no filters for me. My current situation might be sad, but I also see great hope and optimism with my writing. Even with this story about a very dark time, I see light shining all around me. I am living through something that many people go through at some point in their lives. That is watching someone you love die. Continue reading

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I NEED TO SET YOU FREE

So often my father had wept to me about how he looked forward to seeing Jason in heaven. With that thought, I began coaching him. Firmly and gently I said, “Dad, please do this. You can leave the prison of your body. You are not alone. Jason is waiting for you. You can give me a sign and a beautiful gift if you would just let yourself go. I watched as his breathing slowed; I held my breath. But he continued rattling. Over and over, I continued to beg him to go. I wished I could put a pillow over his face. Why was it like this? Why couldn’t he have died in his sleep on Monday morning? I left him with my heart pounding in that funny rhythm. I knew my heart would be calm when his stopped. Of that I was certain. Continue reading

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I KNEW I’D BE OKAY – PART 1

I know there are many parallels between my children and my parents at this time in my life. I’m still definitely part of the “sandwich generation.” But lately, I’ve realized there are some differences. One of those differences came to the forefront last week, and filled me with sadness. I was sad because my children are spreading wings to fly, whereas my elderly father is fluttering slowly down to the ground. Continue reading

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I KNOW YOU’D TELL ME

I called my dad in the afternoon and he sounded terrible, but he said I had woken him up and that was why. When his nurse called me around dinnertime she told me what I expected; he needed to go immediately to the hospital. She said he was close to death. Continue reading

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I ALWAYS KNEW THAT I HAD YOU

I had focused so much on losing my mother incrementally to her dementia. Now I had my father to think about. The aching feeling in my heart spread like tentacles throughout my body. I wasn’t sure what the ache was about. I thought about what I would write.
Then I heard music playing and realized that the words I was searching for had already been written. I decided that my recent song “You Were There,” applied to my father as well.
Continue reading

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