I WANT TO BELIEVE IN YOU

My voice teacher, Kimberly is holding one of her beautiful fairy sculptures. I consider them all to be images for Melody, my inspirational muse.

My voice teacher, Kimberly is holding one of her beautiful fairy sculptures. I consider them all to be images for Melody, my inspirational muse.

Consciously, I know that self-doubt is poison to my soul. But my sub-conscious controls a lot more of my thinking than I wish it did. It takes a lot of effort for me to counteract negative messages that are from my past.

Self-doubt dissolves my energy and purpose and it is something I wrestle with constantly. So when I hear my inner voice speaking to me with confidence, I listen carefully to it.

My journey of insight began four years ago and for most of that time, I’ve worked tirelessly trying to create something that I could sell and promote, not so much for money, but as a way to reach and touch more people. A few months ago, it seemed like I was finally close to finishing my project. But then I became frustrated and anxious while trying to finalize everything. I had hired several people to help me, but I wasn’t really getting anything improved over what I began with. But most importantly, I didn’t have confidence in my own recordings at all.

Then, for the first time in over a year I listened to my audio book introduction. (It was recorded three years ago, prior to my divorce.) My message of how I discovered happiness and healing because of music did not sound authentic to me. I didn’t believe my own voice!

After that, I decided not to release my entire ten-hour audio book even though I spent thousands of hours creating it. I have far more insight now than when I recorded my book in 2011. And since I’ve improved as a singer, I am certain I could improve as a speaker and sound less artificial.

Within two weeks of my revelation, I wrote ten pages of new material to fulfill my new vision for my audio book. (I changed my message and will share more about that soon.) The best part of my original audio book was Jason’s story and it had emotion I’m not sure I can re-create. For now it will be on my first disk; although I might re-record it if the new recordings are far superior.

I created a simple introduction, as well as an inspirational conclusion that will follow Jason’s story. I plan to release a single CD and later disks might be a combination of new and old recordings. A CD of my most soothing songs will be included with the first audio book CD. It will be named “Beside Me Always.”

I love the idea that I came up with something that wasn’t an “all or none” proposition. Getting away from thinking in extremes is far more invigorating for me.

I sent off my new material to my editor to get her feedback. I tested out many different microphones with the same man who is mastering an instrumental CD for me. I wanted a microphone that worked better for my speaking voice so my recordings wouldn’t be as sibilant as before.

I am working with Lon Miller who is a teacher at Los Angeles Recording School. Lon donated a sound system to Kulak’s Woodshed where I occasionally perform. Some of his students have been assisting me with editing tasks.

With the pain in my eyes, everything is harder for me.

But I feel tremendous energy and purpose again and for that I am grateful. 

Melody on the sill

THE PRINCESS FELT HOPELESS

The Princess was having trouble. On one hand, she was filled with amazement at her enduring strength and purpose. She was bursting with creativity and everything she did was beautiful and meaningful for her.

But the price to do this was high.

She was burdened because she could barely open her eyes; the pain had steadily increased. Sometimes her eyes felt foggy and irritated. And then there were other times when the pain was so agonizing that it was hard for her to think clearly. Even though she was determined to overcome this obstacle, sometimes it felt hopeless. She wanted to believe she was healing, but it was definitely getting worse.

It was hard for her to be with other people. Even though her pain wasn’t visible, she was certain it was obvious because her eyes were narrowed and her vision inward. She could not really communicate well because her mind was always screaming at the pain.

When she was alone she felt better because she was able to distract herself. Music soothed her and took away her pain. She was more than grateful for the remedy that saved her. But this had become a very low point in her life.

God continued to send her beautiful signs. She grasped at all of them and desperately tried to hang on to hope.

She wanted to have a conversation with God but did not want to appear ungrateful for all of her blessings. The last thing she wanted to do was cry out in pain expressing the unfairness of her condition. She suppressed those feelings.

But one day when the pain was unbearable, she wailed to the heavens. It was only in her mind because she never made a sound.

She waited for some form of insight to come to her. The Princess trembled when she heard a gentle voice. Wisdom began to wash over her.

The voice explained to her that this was probably the most difficult part of her journey.

The Princess had been through other difficult situations where she never gave up hope. Now that her parents had died, she didn’t have their care to worry about. Although her three children still depended on her, they had become much more self-reliant than when her journey began.

She cried, “I have far less to carry, yet now I am burdened by my own pain!”

The voice said, “Princess, suffering is not your destiny. The magical musical elixir I gave you will continue to carry you. It is going to take you to places you cannot imagine at this moment. But there is something you need to find in order to continue your journey.”

The Princess thought about what she needed to find. Was it strength? She felt so weak and vulnerable.

Was it faith in God? Doubt was the opposite of faith. She often hid her doubts about God. She also knew that doubt caused her anguish and the Princess had a lot of doubts about what she was devoting herself to – she was exhausted.

Was it compassion? So often, the Princess had encouraged others to hang on to hope, but now she felt hopeless. Just imagining feeling better in the future did not take away her pain. That meant her message was not really helpful to others. She was simply preaching to them.

The voice knew the Princess was unsure and said, “Princess, it is none of those things.”

The voice continued, “This is not about whether you have faith in me. This is not about whether you are compassionate enough with other people. This is not about whether you are an example to others.”

The Princess murmured softly, “God, I am not clear. What is it then?”

The voice said softly, “Princess, you need to believe in yourself. That is your light to buoy you through the darkness. Turn your faith and compassion to yourself.”

As the voice began to fade, the last words she heard were, “Hope is with you always. You will feel better soon – trust me.”

With those words the Princess felt tears roll down her cheeks. Now she understood. She never had to doubt her message – it was the most important one of all.

She would continue to hang on to hope.

what you have plannedMelody crying
i want to believe in you© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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3 Responses to I WANT TO BELIEVE IN YOU

  1. Nan says:

    I have been following your blog and enjoy it so much, even though it often makes me cry. I have also suffered a PVD with dirty vision as well as dealing with all the emotions of having parents in their 80s who are my best friends.

    Like

    • Judy says:

      Oh Nan, thank you very much for your comment. It means so much to me. Sometimes it is easy to feel isolated and alone with these things. I am very touched to think you enjoy what I’ve written. That is beautiful about your parents. I understand. They do become like our children and we treasure them. Sorry for your PVD – it’s hard and the medical profession insn’t very sympathetic i’ve found.

      Like

  2. Part of this journey seems to be about having sympathy for yourself. Is that off? As i read your beautiful and stirring words, I want to impress upon you that your pain is being heard, most importantly by you. Don’t let others tell you not to use the words that feel authentic to you. This is your story and the more you tell it the stronger you will feel. Blessings and warm hugs to you, my friend.

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