myjourneysinsight

WITH JOY WHEN I SING

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Judy

I usually smile a lot when I sing.

When I first discovered writing, I was delirious with joy as I released so many feelings that were locked inside. Sometimes, I was fairly embarrassed by my inability to hold back personal information.

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For most of my life, I seldom opened up to share my true feelings with anyone. I was too busy raising my children and surviving grief. Many of my friends told me they were shocked about my getting divorced; they told me they had no idea I was so unhappy in my marriage.

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Before I was married, my husband was my best friend. I married at a very young age and quickly learned that my honesty led to conflict; conflict led to coldness from him. I began to suppress and hide my feelings. All of this was unconscious and with hindsight I can easily remember when it started. It started when I was a young child and discovered how to be a “good girl.”

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I never found therapy helpful when I was younger. During difficult times, I preferred to rely upon my parents to be there for me.

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When my mother was alive (before the onset of dementia), I always knew she was waiting for my calls. My father was an extension of her, listening in on our phone conversations. My children were my total focus so our favorite topic was their grandchildren. Even though I couldn’t share all of my feelings with my parents, it was special knowing how much they loved me and my kids.

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As both my parents declined, I became very distraught and searched desperately for other ways to express and comfort myself.

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At this time in my life, I share my deepest feelings with Connie. She has been my therapist for about five years and I am grateful for the progress I’ve made because of her and hypnotherapy.

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Connie is nothing like my mother, yet I feel blessed to have such a caring therapist to help me find more positive ways to improve my thinking, and ultimately feel better as a result.

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For months now our sessions have focused on my unrelenting pain. My eyes cause me physical pain, which results in psychological pain. I have been very depressed and that has caused my eyes to hurt more. I blame myself for my inability to triumph over the pain. I have gained a lot of weight on top of everything.

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Sometimes Connie helps me by using a technique called tapping. As I tap, I am usually crying. I will blurt out whatever comes into my mind. I have stress related to my children and my divorce. A constant theme is the lack of privacy where I live; I am seldom alone and free to sing my heart out.

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I am sharing a picture (with my childrens’ permission) from our Mother’s Day outing last month.–

Last week, I came to Connie’s guesthouse for my hypnotherapy session and was excited to share with her about the recent speaker’s convention that I attended.

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I told her that I finally saw a door that I could go through to achieve what I had dreamed of. Being a speaker would allow me to share my music and stories in such a beautiful way; I had a lot to offer. But unfortunately, there was an obstacle for me.

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I was too broken to do it.

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When my journey began, I had the energy to stand, speak and deliver. But in my current state, I can’t even open my eyes most of the time. I haven’t performed at an open mic for many months now.

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Perhaps an audience would still accept me with my eyes closed but just imagining it is stressful. Any kind of pressure immediately causes my eyes to throb and hurt. The pain is unbearable and I have no control over it.

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Under hypnosis, I spoke about my disappointment to Connie. I had hoped I was healing, but instead I was suffering with festering wounds. My feelings about becoming successful and time running out led to my most hated word, which was “pressure.”

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Depression had the word “press” in it. And pressure squeezed the joy right out of me.

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Having to prove myself financially was a trigger from my former life (before my divorce). From the moment I got married right out of college, I was under a lot of pressure to become successful as an artist. I struggled with my self-worth because I never seemed to earn enough money to make my husband happy.

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Now the message that kept playing for me was that my music was just an expensive hobby I had left him for. The very thing I’ve devoted my life to for four years was of no value to my husband or children simply because I made no money at it.

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Just speaking about this aggravated me. In my heart, I knew what I was doing was valuable for me personally and I didn’t need their “stamp of approval.” I loved connecting and helping other people. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I hated falling back into former habits of thought.

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Connie asked me what my definition for success was. My first thought about success related to my children and certainly wasn’t about money.

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I have devoted myself to my children completely since my first child was born in 1987. Jason lived for five years and everything I did was to keep him comfortable despite his serious congenital heart defect. He could barely eat or walk and I carried him everywhere.

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This picture was taken when Jason was about 3 and visiting his grandparents. I am living in my parents’ coop now. I am a song gardener only, which will be clear in the picture that follows showing the current state of my backyard!

This picture was taken when Jason was about 3 years old and visiting his grandparents. I am living in my parents’ coop now.–

I am a song gardener only, which is clear in this picture of the current state of my backyard!

I am a song gardener only, which is clear from this picture taken of my backyard today!

Even though I wasn’t able to extend Jason’s life beyond the age of five, I took comfort knowing that he loved living up until the day died. I knew he might have died much sooner had I not been as devoted as I was; in a few instances I saved his life.

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After Jason’s death, my surviving children were my reason to go on living. But they had many challenges.

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I worked tirelessly fighting the school district to obtain the services they needed – all three of them required it to some degree. At one time, my closet was filled with at least twenty file boxes holding reports and documentation to build my cases.

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Everything I had done for them had paid off in beautiful ways. My three children were wonderful human beings and I was so proud of each one. I knew I had succeeded in shaping their lives because of my love and devotion.

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I began to cry remembering all the years fighting for my children. I deserved to be celebrating with joy at this time in my life. But instead, I was suffering with eye pain that was torturing me.

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I said tearfully, “Connie, why am I suffering? What is wrong with me?”

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Softly, Connie asked me to remember if there was another time in my life where I felt that way. I hesitated and then began to slowly recall other times in my life where I blamed myself for my own pain.

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It was a long list. It seemed like trying to please my husband, children and parents had taken a toll.

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This is a page from my diary, written in 1979.–

I spend most of my time in the safety of my bedroom creating music. My songs are my respite from pain and are prophecies from my subconscious. I am often amazed by the profound messages I’ve written to myself within my own song lyrics.

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Two weeks ago I began working on a new arrangement for my song named “My Dream.”

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Click the blue link below to hear my arrangement in progress:–

I wrote the lyrics for “My Dream” in 2011, shortly after I announced my divorce. I hadn’t moved out yet and dreaming kept me alive. I was very inspired by the following line:

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“One day I’ll face the world’s embrace and the message I’ll bring with joy when I sing.”

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Once again, my own song lyrics held meaning for me. I will know when I am ready to hit a stage and emerge from behind a curtain.

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It will be when I can fully express my joy!

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Below is a link to a story about my first arrangement for “My Dream.”

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MY DREAM – PART 1

© 2014 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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NO REASON TO WAIT

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Judy

This past weekend I attended a conference that was only half an hour away. My good friend, Joni invited me and we stayed overnight at a hotel near the Los Angeles airport.

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The title of this conference was “Big Money Speaker Bootcamp.” A dynamic and well-connected speaker named James Malinchak ran it. James gave a lot of excellent information about how to receive large sums of money in return for sharing knowledge as a public speaker.

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I wasn’t enticed by the “big money,” but excited about how wonderful it would be to share my stories, music and inspiration with large audiences. James emphasized how important it was to approach the marketplace with clear goals and success depended upon having high self-worth.

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In my dreams this was what I had always imagined myself doing. While in college, I was on the Speech Team. I actually won first place for an expository speech and ironically my topic was songwriting!

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I do love sharing my music, but more than anything I would prefer to offer inspiration with my words. A song could be played over the loud-speaker as a preface to a story. I might perform a song or two, but speaking is far better for me than singing for an extended period of time.

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When James spoke, he had two screens on either side. He clicked slides to present his information. I began picturing my artwork projected there instead.

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Even if I couldn’t draw audiences interested in my touching stories and music, I had other topics people might find interesting. Anecdotes from my art career could make for an interesting speech. So many lessons from being an illustrator have been life lessons for me as well.

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My blog and my “journey of insight” began in 2010. It has been four years now and I haven’t marketed anything for many reasons. I’ve gone through a divorce after a long marriage and buried both my parents in the last two years. I’ve also had unrelenting eye problems. I’m very close with my three children and they all depend on me.

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Perhaps the biggest reason I’m not selling anything is because I’ve allowed myself to fully delve into my passion for songwriting. There’s been a lot for me to learn and I want anything I sell to reflect my best effort. Recently, I have made a lot of decisions about how I plan to release my first CD. I have no regrets about waiting, none at all.

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Although I do also love writing, I haven’t thought about creating a written book for a while now. I simply write for therapy on my blog and am proud of my efforts. Every story requires many hours of my time and energy; I enjoy creating images to go with each one.

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But because I don’t have anything finished that I’m selling, I’ve been labeled as a classic perfectionist. Well, it turns out that my situation is fairly typical.

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According to James my approach is the “failure model.” He said that spending a lot of time crafting a book is the most common reason for failure.

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I’m certain he would not approve of my blog where I share all my music and writing for free without even generating a significant mailing list.

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I did like his suggestion to get started immediately. This was the best quote (and I’m not even sure it’s his):

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“You don’t have to be great to get started, but you have to get started to be great.”

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Any book I’d sell would have a title and message related to my speech topic. Videotaping the speech could create an audio book. He suggested printing a small book that could be a gift; his example was one that simply consisted of quotations. Right away, I began thinking of all the lyric lines I could use.

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For his hefty coaching fee, he would arrange for celebrity endorsements to adorn the back cover. It certainly bothered me that people needed to do that in order to gain credibility. Someone who was perceived as famous was able to fill seats even if they weren’t a very interesting speaker!

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His list of ways to craft a topic had me pondering my appeal as a speaker. He said it was important to have something people wanted. Announcing an easy “fix” for a problem was popular.

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Right off the bat, that challenged me. I wasn’t planning to sell a message so directly. The thought of calling myself “a healer” was downright embarrassing. Then I realized that I could offer comfort, hope and inspiration by example.

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As the conference wore on, I began to imagine a possible topic using one of my favorite lyric lines below:

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“It’s never too late to turn your life around – no reason to wait.”

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Those words are from my song named “Clear.” I composed “Clear” during a difficult time, a year before I found the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. My lyric line kept reminding me that I was waiting!

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Once again, that line is taunting me. I desperately want to believe it’s not too late for me to start this exciting new phase of my journey at the age of 54.

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Unfortunately, I am waiting. I want to feel better. My eyes hurt and I cannot imagine myself speaking to an audience with this condition.

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Yet, I’m always amazed that I can still smile . . .

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Tagged beautiful music, becoming a speaker, Big Money speaking, composing, creativity, guitar, healing music, inspiration, James Malinchak, Judy Unger, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and inspiration, original songs, passionate songwriter, performing, public speaker, singing, songwriting, speaking, waiting to get started, writing | 2 Comments

FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER

Posted on June 3, 2014 by Judy

In February, I visited Northern California where I took this picture of this famous church.

In February, I visited Northern California where I took this picture of a church made famous by Ansel Adams.

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Below is a link to read my story and hear my newest song:

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#443 WONDER WHY – PART 1

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My correspondence with Sammi who lost her son a year and a half ago continues below. Her words are in brown.

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On Tuesday, May 20, 2014, Judy wrote:

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Hi Sammi,

I’m writing a new song. The music for it is kind of “old English” and it has the feeling of asking a question. I wrote lyrics that perfectly describe my doubts about God.

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I do know that my music is for a certain demographic. When I shared my song with two “regular” people, I was scathed for writing “another Judy song about suffering and pain.”

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I write music as my therapy and I’m wondering if you could offer me some feedback. Your opinion would be valuable to me. Can I send you a recording of this song? If you’re not up to it, of course that’s fine.

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Judy, I would think that the two “regular” people you first shared this song with were not very good friends, otherwise they would know what your music means and why you use it as therapy. I’m sorry they said that to you.

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To say to you that you wrote “another Judy song” is the same as asking you “aren’t you over this yet?” The fear people have who have not walked this path (but are scared to death that they may have to), never ceases to amaze me. I understand their fear; I do not understand how it manifests itself into callous, cold and thoughtless statements.

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I would most certainly listen to your music if you want to send it this way. My relationship with God at the moment may color my reaction since I do not listen or read or speak about him. I do know that he exists, I’m just very angry with him at the moment.

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I’m very touched that you are willing to do this in spite of your anger with God. Please know that I do want honesty and won’t be hurt by anything you say because this song reflects my own doubts about God. I’ll email it soon – thank you so much!

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By the way, Jason’s birthday is next week and my father died two days before. So I am pretty emotional at the moment.

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Judy, first let me say that I sobbed like a baby while listening to this song. It touched me deeply, but I think you already knew it would.

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The fact that you mentioned God was what I related to because that describes me. I am so angry with him at the moment. That being said, I think if the song didn’t mention God it would have a broader appeal to more people. Many feel safer that way. Sad isn’t it? People seem so afraid to question our supreme being no matter what occurs.

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I may have felt that way myself had I not had a hole punched into my very soul by said supreme being.

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People have to deal with their own demons where that subject is concerned. It takes a lot to offend me but I have found that on this subject I am in the minority. Very well stated, Judy. Very well done. This is great therapy and has worked well for you.

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When is your son’s birthday? I would like to remember him on this day also and let him know how much his Mother has helped me…but I think he already knows.

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Oh, Sammi, your message made me cry – thank you so much!

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My search for understanding has led me to wonderful people. I really love and care about you and hope to meet you someday. I plan to write a story about this song and might share some of what we’ve both expressed; if that’s okay with you.

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You are quite welcome and can share whatever you want. I like the title you have chosen. I think those of us dealing with this pain question all of our beliefs now and we wonder why we have ever had those beliefs. I may be kicked to the end of the line but when my time comes to face my maker I have a whole shitload full of questions I want answers to.

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There were a few times in my life that I could have died as a child, by either an accident or illness but I didn’t. I wonder why God, in his supposed infinite wisdom, spared me just so I could be devastated by the loss of my Mother at a young age and then by the loss of my son when I didn’t have the strength of my Mother to lean on. I will always miss my beautiful, beautiful boy.

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After my exchange with Sammi, I shared my song on an Internet Grief Forum. Sammi also responded.

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Judy, my name is Kim. I have to say that is such a beautiful song!!! Finally one for “us!” Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!!!

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Beautiful, just beautiful! I haven’t posted in a long, long time but this song moved me to.

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Seriously Judy, and everyone else here, that song is glorious! There is so much music out there and not much, or none of it, even begins to deal with these issues. Lots of music and it is always singing about feelings, but none of it ever addresses the feelings associated with grief! Your words and song hit many high points for me-so refreshing to hear it put to song and beautiful music! You are blessed to be able to have created something so spiritually uplifting and freeing out of “it.”

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I told you, Judy 🙂 It fits us. Sammi

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I want to thank everyone in this group for your support. It is a brotherhood and sisterhood of US and IT (the monster of grief) is what many people are terrified of. I do think that those most people usually mean well and are simply not really aware of what is helpful for us.

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My mission is to express my intimate thoughts and feelings through music and soothe anyone out there suffering – it is the gift that my son gave me.

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I am so happy to hear that my glorious song has a place in the world. It is not for everyone, but what could be more meaningful than offering comfort to other people? After going through hell and back it is incredible to be able to offer hope.

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After my son died, I was certain I’d never sing again.

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HOW IT FELT WHEN YOU WENT AWAY – PART 2

Posted on May 28, 2014 by Judy

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I had two “anniversaries of the heart” this week. Monday was the day my father died and today is Jason’s birthday.

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If Jason had lived, he would be 27 years old today. But he never grows any older and I picture him as an angel of five forever.

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I can feel the seasonal change tugging at my heart and recently recorded a new vocal for a special song named “Every Season.” Every year, my sister-in-law, Jo (and brother, Norm) send me two beautiful cards remembering my anniversaries of the heart for Jason. I am so blessed that they do this; I appreciate it even more since my parents are gone. I have few people left to share memories of Jason with.

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Jo mentioned a sweet memory of Jason on her card. Jason was the ring bearer when she and Norm got married. Reading that made me smile because I instantly pictured Jason beaming that day. He was very proud of his responsibility and died only a few months after their wedding.

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While working on two recent song vocals for “More Than You Know” and “Alabaster Seashell” – it reminded me again how deeply memories and grief are intertwined. Post-traumatic stress affects me with the memories of horror, of seeing my father take his last breath and when I last held my son’s dead body.

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Thankfully, a blanket of healing results from my sweet memories. I have plenty of those and perhaps that is why singing those two songs touch me deeply.

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Especially, with my song “Alabaster Seashell,” a seashell is such a perfect metaphor for the beauty of what remains after death.

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This is a close-up of an old watercolor painting of mine.

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“AJ and Jason in heaven”

I have corresponded for over a year with a very special woman named Sammi. I’ve shared many of our exchanges on this blog but have not always mentioned her name. Sammi is no stranger to grief; she lost her mother when she was only 18 years old. She writes from her gut and I feel so much pain reading her words.

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I met her on an Internet grief forum and her first post was only one day after her son, AJ died from meningitis. (Her words are in brown and mine in black)

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My beautiful 34-year-old son Allen (we called him AJ) died yesterday. I am walking around in a fog. I can’t sit, I can’t stand, I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I sob uncontrollably at times and feel very bitter and angry. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can survive. My husband says we will get through it; we have to. I can’t see that happening. I need someone to tell me that this pain will go away, that the ache will subside. I just want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head. Thank you for accepting me.

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Three months later she wrote:

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My son has been gone for almost three months. I have been having a horrible time lately. It hits me like a punch in the gut out of nowhere and I am devastated. That has been happening a lot lately. I cry at home, I cry going to work, I cry at work, I cry on the way home, I cry in the shower, I cry in bed. I have people who have gone through this themselves that I talk to but nothing is helping.

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It has been a year and a half since AJ died.

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Last week Sammi wrote:

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I have been slowly emptying out the boxes we packed up from AJ’s apartment. Yes, I still have his things in boxes but I have been slowly going through them all after a year and a half. The boxes today contained all of his DVD’s and CD’s. It made me laugh and cry, remembering his music and movie tastes. He had a wonderful sense of humor and going through all of his comedy DVD’s brought back memories of sitting with him and watching some of them. I could hear his laughter echoing in the room as I looked through them all. I remembered how much joy he got out of living and how he never wallowed in the muck and mire of life. He would always share his latest comedy discovery with me and we would laugh over all of it. How I miss his laughter. How I miss those times we had. How I miss him.

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You will always miss him, Sammi. Sweet memories are far less traumatic than what you have been living with over the last year and a half. When I had memories that made me smile (despite the longing and heartache), I knew I was moving forward in my grief.

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Those tender moments brought my beautiful son back to me. It’s been over 20 years since he died and I treasure them. They are still there and I can still hear his peals of laughter. In one week, it will be another birthday and he would have been 27 years old. But in my memories, he is a young boy who is an angel.

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AJ sounds like such a beautiful man. I am so sorry, Sammi. Keep sharing about him – I like hearing it.

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Judy, I like to think that AJ has met your son and they are now great friends. He loved children and would have made a great father. I choose to think that they know we speak like this and are happy that we found some peace with each other.

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“The Hairdresser”

I plan to share more of my correspondence with Sammi because I asked her for advice about my most recent song. Our exchange was a spiritual experience for me. Knowing that I have brought her even a small measure of comfort means more to me than I can find words for.

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I end this post with an exchange I had with her a month ago that illustrates how being compassionate doesn’t necessarily have to come from a place of experiencing the same kind of suffering.

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Dear Sammi,

It truly is horrible to think of how much suffering there is in this world. I know it helped me to have others who really understood while I was going through it (I’m ahead of you and it is not the same). Keep looking as you have. It is your rope to survival (hanging on vs. hanging yourself.)

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As always, I’m so sorry for this horror that connected you to me and hell on earth.

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Judy, while the circumstances of our “meeting” are not what I would wish for anyone, I am glad to know you. All we can really hope for is to be of some comfort to each other in some way.

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I not only struggle with this feeling of being gutted, but also with understanding the need for such pain and agony in this world. Your music is your solace and I’m glad you have it. I feel better sometimes when I just let myself rant on virtual paper.

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Believe it or not, I have received more comfort and understanding from my hairdresser.

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She always asks how I am, if I am getting out and she talks about AJ (she used to cut his hair when he was a little boy). I told her that I don’t talk much about things because I don’t feel that people really want to hear that. Her response was, “Those of us that ask you, really want to hear.”

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I don’t have many that ask.

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I love your hairdresser!

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It’s so incredible when someone really “gets it” – and hasn’t gone through this to know it. What a connection to AJ she is! I have a tear imagining it. I wish more people could understand the difference it makes to freely ask and want to hear how we are doing. All the isolation from fear and ignorance would be alleviated.

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I see a lot of progress that you’ve made on your grief journey, Sammi. You might not see it so clearly. There really isn’t a destination that I know of except to go farther and farther from the hell of where it all began. It’s tiring and discouraging, I know. But eventually, you will feel better even though you will never be the person you were before.

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Oh, I’ve already said good-bye to the person I used to be. I am already missing her. She was so blissfully unaware of so many things. If given the choice, I’d choose blissfully unaware.

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I don’t care what religion a person is. Religion, for me, does not define the person and I find solace in many places. I have found, since this happened, that I do not recognize one set of beliefs. I am Catholic and of course I feel comfortable with all things Catholic but I no longer think as a Catholic . . . I think as a human being.

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I never thought of my hairdresser, Sharon, as having a connection to AJ. Funny how, out of all the people I know, she has been the one who consistently asks how I am and notices if things are off. I have been going to her for almost 30 years. We aren’t what I would call friends. We don’t hang out together. We don’t talk on the phone. She is my hairdresser and yet she was at the funeral and she made a safe haven for me when I returned to her shop – such compassion and empathy.

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How do you thank a person for that? I have been pondering this and I will come up with something but I know she expects nothing.

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Thank you again, Judy.–

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