myjourneysinsight

HOPING

Posted on May 12, 2014 by Judy

My voice teacher, Kimberly has a beautiful collection of fairy sculptures. I added the crystal ball using the magic of Photoshop.

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hope: confidence, desire, want, expectation, optimism, anticipation

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Click the blue link below to hear music that touches me deeply. I have not yet written song lyrics for it, but I’m hoping to soon.

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I always looked forward to my weekly sessions with George. I was not up to writing anything new and we had started working on a new arrangement for an older song the week before. But I wasn’t too excited about it.

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A few days earlier, I fooled around with an old instrumental thinking perhaps it would inspire me to compose a new song. But it didn’t. Then I remembered another old song. It was actually the only song I wanted to erase from my repertoire and was named “If You Should See Me.”

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That song did have some nice verse chords, but I intensely disliked the lyrics. It was about my regret over breaking up with an old boyfriend and wondering how I’d feel if I saw him again.

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When I recorded “If You Should See Me” in 2010, I used the same lyrics I wrote as a young girl. I worked from an old song sheet and didn’t remember the chorus at all. When I recorded the song, the chorus melody seemed monotonous.

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I printed out the chords and played them on my guitar. I was surprised; it turned out that the verse lyrics seemed applicable to my current life. They expressed my confusion. Instead of an old boyfriend, maybe I was wondering if I’d ever feel better – would I see well again without pain?

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I reworked them slightly below:

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I came to work with George. It was a beautiful day and I walked from my car with my eyes closed; the sunlight was painful. George smiled and asked me what we would be working on.

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I told him that I didn’t feel like finishing the song we had started last week. Instead, I mentioned that I had a possible song we could rework into something completely new. I had verses but needed some help for the chorus; I wanted completely new chords.

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George’s eyes twinkled with the look he often gets when he feels a musical challenge. He started playing the verse chords on his piano and goose bumps began popping out on my arms. It didn’t take long before those verses were simply magnificent. His piano and guitar lines danced with the lovely waltz rhythm.

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I wanted the chorus to be very different from the verses. George began to experiment with many interesting chord progressions. If I liked what he did I yelped, “That’s it!”

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Line by line the chorus chords slowly formed. We finally reached the last line of the chorus. George played several choices for me, but none of them seemed to work. Then as he was playing I said, “Stop! Right there – that hangs and I want it to be the final chord. It’s totally unresolved and I love how it sounds!”

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I was brimming with excitement and so glad we had begun working on something new.

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George and I created an introduction that I could easily hear as a new song by itself. I loved it so much that I decided it would also make a perfect ending. On our last new arrangement for “Laughter and Tears” his introduction was so beautiful that we used it for the solo portion of that song.

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I had no idea that an old song I disliked could inspire this! In four hours we managed to finish a good portion of the song. George said, “Jude, what shall I name the file in order to save it?”

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I really had no idea since I hadn’t written the new lyrics for it. I read him some of the former lyric lines I had thought of keeping; those lines were about my search to feel better.

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I said, “George, I know it sounds like another sad song. I do want my song to be hopeful because I say, “I’m hoping I’ll find you again.”

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George smiled and said, “Sis, you are one of the most hopeful people I know. For now, let’s just call it Hoping!”

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I didn’t mind that at all. I left our session with a new recording I treasured. I found myself composing a melody and as I hummed it, my heart was lifted into the heavens.

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Late that night, I wrote out some possible lyrics.

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Those words above were simple. I felt like expressing how looking at nature was uplifting. I wanted to feel God in order to conquer my uncertainty. But after writing those lines above, I couldn’t decide what my message was going to be for the part of the song that was the most important.

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Those words fell on the last line of the chorus; a background choir’s sweet notes hung over unresolved chords.

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I wrote a few lines and had to stop. My words were very depressing and not hopeful at all!

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A few days later, I returned to George to continue working on the arrangement. I said to George, “You’re not going to like some lyrics I came up with. They’re very dark.”

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George said, “The music is not sad at all and I’d like to see you write something truly uplifting. Then he added with complete candor, “Jude, if you use the word pain in this song I’m going to slap you!”

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I couldn’t believe it – I had used that word; how did he know? Now I remembered how he hadn’t liked the word pain in the last song I wrote either.

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Unfortunately, the theme of pain was concurrent with my life. What was also there was extreme empathy for friends of mine who were suffering with pain. My friend, Marilyn had multiple myeloma. Another dear friend, Magda had been tormented by MS for many years and it only continued to get worse.

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I crumpled up my lyrics and figured I’d try again. After all, the possible name for this beautiful song was “Hoping.”

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Somehow I just knew I would find a way to write words to grace the beautiful music and it would help heal my aching soul.

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© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

YOU TRULY ARE MY BUTTERFLY

Posted on May 11, 2014 by Judy

This is one of my illustrations for a book cover. After twenty years of being lost, I received it back from Harper Publishing last week!

This is one of my illustrations that was used on a book cover. After twenty years of being lost, I received it back from Harper Publishing last week!

When I began my blog, there were many times when I wrote humorous stories about stressful situations in my life. A woman once told me, “Judy, your writing has me laughing and crying!”

Recently I recorded my song “Laughter and Tears” and that song is an excellent metaphor for my life.

Lately I search hard for laughter and have plenty of tears; I see irony with that because I suffer from dry eye syndrome. I do know that I am filled with deep emotion in my current life. For years I was numb and suppressed my feelings and I realize that it was my way of coping with deep unhappiness.

When my son Jason died in 1992, it was my surviving children that became my focus and kept me from succumbing to my grief. I wrote a song named “No Words” for them and recently started creating a new arrangement for it. Once again, the music held magic for me. The words that came from my heart to describe what it meant when my children were born still touch me today.

This is a link to my story about the song I wrote for my children: NO WORDS

On my last post, I shared a picture with my daughter and wrote that she “truly is my butterfly.” Those are lyrics from my song “No Words.” I no longer see my children as a means of healing my broken heart. I want to see them fly like butterflies! Their transformation has been gradual but tremendous.

My 17-year-old youngest son loves his school and participates in many wonderful extra-curricular activities. Shortly after I moved out in 2012, he was accepted into a new school that was close to my parents’ old coop. It was one of the reasons why I moved there. His relaxed and happy nature fills our apartment with great energy. But his consumption of food keeps me busy shopping!

Recently his life has been like a fairytale. He participated with three classmates and they entered their science fair project into a contest sponsored by NASA Aerospace Corporation. His team became one of the top five finalists; this was out of the entire United States. His story is even more beautiful considering that his school is for children with learning disabilities; obviously this was not a major hurdle since they were picked over thousands of schools.

NASA paid for my son and his classmates to fly to Washington DC so they could be there when the winners were announced. Even though his team wasn’t #1, he was definitely a winner from the entire experience. This trip would always be a highlight in his life.

My 23-year-old son has also been thriving. When he first moved in with me, he was suffering from depression and anxiety; he was deeply discouraged as he searched for any kind of job after graduating from college. Since my daughter moved out, he doesn’t sleep in my living room anymore.

I encouraged him to enroll in a tax preparation course. I was quite proud to see how serious he was about it. With his worried nature, he constantly told me he would fail. But he didn’t, and the same company hired him where he took his tax course.

It seems that he has found the career he wants, in no small part due to my older brother’s encouragement. My brother, Norm is a CPA and has always said he would love a family member to take over his practice someday. My son is back in school pursing an accounting degree and seems much happier than he was last year.

This picture of me with my brother Norm was taken a few weeks ago.

This picture of me with Norm was taken a few weeks ago.

Soon it will be two years since my father died. Seeing my two brothers together in the old picture above makes me wistful. Unfortunately, I was not able to fix their relationship and they no longer communicate with each other. Fortunately, I am in touch with both of them.

Soon it will be two years since my father died. Seeing my two brothers together in this old picture above makes me wistful. Unfortunately, I was not able to fix their relationship and they no longer communicate with each other. But I am in touch with both of them.

And lastly, my 20-year-old daughter was promoted at the restaurant where she has worked for over a year. As a server, she is thrilled with the amount of money she is now getting due to tips. This has been such a beautiful change after all of the recent turmoil she went through – a cut near her eye at work and a minor car accident.

For Mother’s Day, I’m going with my two boys to be served by her where she works. Nothing could make me prouder.

Since she moved out last February, we’ve been getting along so much better. The irritability that often bounced between us is gone. Because my daughter is also a songwriter, it’s a wonderful feeling when she lets me share music with her.

She came over for a visit a few weeks ago and while hanging out with me, she gave me a strumming lesson. (I am definitely far more adept at fingerpicking than strumming.) She is the opposite and has a talent for strumming. It was such a pleasure to receive instructions from her. She said, “Mommy, do you hear the difference? It sounds so much better! Don’t forget – down, up, down, up – up, down, up!”

I kept trying and stumbling. But inside I was dancing.

On the day my daughter visited, my sons were hungry and kept asking when we would be eating dinner. After my strumming lesson, I put away my guitar and went into the kitchen to check my refrigerator. I pulled out item after item and soon my kitchen counter was covered with food.

All of my children ate different things. I passed out their favorite food items while beaming. I treasured them and it was a wonderful moment.

I slipped away for a moment to use the bathroom. With a smile on my face I sat down and then I landed in the toilet bowl with a splash!

I just sat there and was completely annoyed. It was not a great feeling.

I wiped myself off and came out of the bathroom. I wasn’t smiling. I said to my sons, “How many times do I need to remind you to please put the toilet seat down? I just fell in!”

But now, all three of my large children were laughing hysterically. I just didn’t find it as funny as they did. Both my sons were very half-hearted when they told me they would try harder to remember. And then an upsetting discussion began.

My oldest son said, “Mom, I do try to remember – but it’s not that hard to put the seat down yourself.”

My youngest son guffawed and said, “Can’t you just look before you sit down? That would help!”

I explained to both of them that this was the proper thing to do for a woman.

Then my youngest son said, “Mom, I honestly think it is ridiculous. I know I have to do this because you are the queen of this castle. I get that. But why should men do this? I believe in equality and you don’t deserve special treatment just because you’re a woman.”

That upset me. I told my son that by being a gentleman – he would certainly be more attractive to women.

He responded with, “Mom, next thing I know you’ll tell me I have to open doors! It’s the same thing. I will do what I have to in order to get a woman – but I don’t plan to stay that way! There simply is no way that a woman deserves for me to go out of my way based on her sex.”

I pointed out to my son that if two men weren’t living with me – I wouldn’t encounter this. In public restrooms the seats were down.

My youngest son laughed and said, “Oh, mom! That’s because you go into a public restroom where women go. If you went into the men’s room you’d see it’s not that way!

I decided at that moment that both my son’s were little dragons. If they were butterflies, I would have swatted them. I sighed; it looked like I would have to find another way to get what I wanted.

A week later I put up a sign. It didn’t work well because it was on the wall behind them. I created a simpler one they would see in front of them. They’re remembering 50% of the time now.

I share my first sign that my oldest son crumpled and put in the trash. I liked my sign!

I received this beautiful bouquet from my former housekeeper Rosa and her daughters. I was surprised by a knock on the door and all six of Rosa’s grandchildren came in to hug me (I always try to remember all of their birthdays). It was definitely a special moment! Today is my first Mother’s Day with my mother gone.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged butterflies, butterfly, children, children becoming independent, compassionate friends, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, having children after loss, Humor, humor children, humor daily life, inspiration, lovesong, lyrics, Music, No Words, No words for you, Ordinary Life, original songs, parenting, performing, rainbow baby, singing, songwriting, subsequent child after loss, subsequent children, sunflower, Toilet seat left up, youngest son | 2 Comments

MY JOURNEY IN SIGHT – PART 5

Posted on May 8, 2014 by Judy

My daughter told me I could share this recent photo of us together. She truly is my butterfly.

Sometimes, it’s amazing for me to imagine that four years have passed since my rebirth at the age of 50.

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Many changes have occurred in my life since then. With the finality of my divorce, I have settled into a routine of keeping close tabs on my three children as I continue to follow my dream. The deaths of my parents within two years, as well as the memories associated with living in my childhood home have me living in the past at times. But I also see my future very clearly.

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I am not in any hurry to get there. There are so many wonderful blessings going on in my life that I want to focus on.

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The present has been more challenging than I want to admit because I unfortunately live with chronic pain in my eyes. I deeply want to find acceptance of my condition but pain is hard to live with. I’ve continued to search for remedies without finding any relief.

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In some ways, I see my suffering as a form of grief. It has come with all of the stages that I am quite familiar with. When I first experienced PVD (posterior vitreous detachment) after my cataract surgeries – I was in shock. Since that time, I’ve alternated between depression and numbness. At that time, I was not living with pain – only foggy vision.

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But that has changed. Recently, I’ve noticed that I’m angry and irritable because of the unrelenting pain.

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Just like grief, I decided to see if I could find others that might have wisdom to help me. I discovered an online support group for people suffering with (get ready for a complicated name): Chronic Dry Eyes & Chronic Blepharitis.

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I have both of those conditions and Blepharitis refers to inflammation of the eyelids. This group has helped me tremendously. For certain, it sure helped to commiserate with others suffering from eye pain. And it was fascinating that so many of them had gone through the same experiences with doctors as I had. Most of them went into great detail about the remedies they had tried.

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I am going to share information that I’ve learned by summarizing many messages. All of them tell a very sad story. I’ve organized them into one conversation, but these comments happened over time and came from many different people. Anything I’ve written will be in black/bold.

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I just joined this group. I’m not sure where to start sharing. I can say that I know this is a place where I’ll find understanding. I have had my condition for over two years. I’m 54.

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My eye condition is really affecting my quality of life. I’ve been miserable living with constant pain. I have been using steroid suave, taking flax and fish oil, tried plugs in my ducts; use hot compresses and Restasis eye drops.

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Recently, I went on hormone replacement therapy to see if that could make a difference. It has been a month and nothing has changed yet. I’ll let you know if it helps! I miss feeling “normal.” Every day I struggle with fogginess and pain.

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I’m on hormones too! The only time my eyes feel “good” is when I’m asleep or have hot compresses on them.

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I’m thinking there is no such thing as just chronic dry eyes. I think we should tell our docs not to say, “You have chronic dry eyes and I’m giving you Restasis. Just go die for a year.” I’m glad I had the brains to go to a neuro optho on my own after 6 months.

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My eyes drive me nuts. I take fish oil, use Restasis, use over the counter drops like they are air, sleep with a wet rag over my face, and have plugs in the ducts – and still it is like this.

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My eyes have been bad again this week leaving me very depressed and unable to work. I think I’m close to losing my job. The worst thing is I don’t feel I’m getting the help I need. My doctor doesn’t know what to do for me.

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My eyes hurt all the time, my left eye is dribbling and goopy, and my vision really sucks. This stinks. OK, rant over, back to work. I just had to say it to somebody.

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Have you tried using ice cubes to stop the burning? There are those eye masks you can put in fridge or freezer. You can use cold or frozen cucumbers too.

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My eyes will not stop. I sit here with wet cloth on my eyes and also just pouring the drops in. Both eyes still killing me. Going to blow a gasket here.

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My eyes have decided to join yours now. SO miserable!! Makes me feel sick, headaches, light is painful. The pain is like a combination of scraping sand and onion juice.

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I’m so sorry. I understand it can be horrible pain & discomfort is so hard. Can you use preservative-free lubricating drops that do not have Benzalkonium Chloride in them? That can aggravate some people’s eyes.

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I didn’t know that and my doctor only recently told me. I was pouring in artificial tears that could have made my condition much worse!

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  I saw an eye doc and he just said dry eyes and gave me Restasis and I also got the tear duct plugs; neither work .

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I’ve been there many times myself. It’s a process to figure out what helps you and what doesn’t. There are many forms of Blepharitis and you need to know what type you have.

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My doc told me I was his worst patient, I have the plugs and I’m on the Restasis and I had to be on the Steroid drops for almost a year to just survive. But I’ve been eating really healthy trying to take the best care of myself.

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What exactly have you been diagnosed with?

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The doctor just said I had dry eyes; that was the diagnosis.

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Telling you that you have dry eyes is like a cardiologist telling you that you have heart trouble! It might be accurate in some sense but it is NOT A DIAGNOSIS. Dry eye is a convenient catchall term for a whole lot of things (many of us have more than one issue).

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My doctors are willing to offer me a Vitrectomy – which is totally risky! I just wish I didn’t have the discomfort and pain. I’ll keep trying things and will definitely share anything that works.

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I am new to the group. Thanks for the invite. Have had dry eyes for years. Not so much for treatment. My doctor put me on Doxycycline for several months, but I did not do my homework, and really don’t know if there is any good research. My gut wouldn’t handle it and shortly after I developed a parasite infestation. Maybe the antibiotic changed the gut flora?

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Your words are very meaningful for me and I am so sorry about what happened on the Doxycycline. I was given a prescription for it also. I decided to wait on it because I’ve had stomach issues in the past. I’m glad I followed my “gut” feeling! I started hormone replacement therapy instead. Thank you for sharing and I hope something brings both of us relief soon.

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I have aged at least three years in the last 5 months. I now look older than I am and I always looked at least 5 years younger before.

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I feel that way too. I look at pictures before this eye pain began. I was always smiling and youthful. I walk around now with my eyes like slits, trying to cope with constant pain. I pray it won’t be this way for the rest of my life!

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I learned that eye pain is considered particularly excruciating because our eyes have so many nerve endings.

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I was a terrific advocate for my children and parents. But it has been difficult for me to advocate for myself because I honestly feel like I am ill and in too much pain to think clearly.

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Because my eyes have been worse lately and nothing has offered relief, I’ve decided to pursue a remedy that has intrigued me from the very beginning – serum eye drops.

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I had heard about miraculous results and even one of the doctors at my HMO mentioned it. These eye drops are created from my own blood. Blood is drawn and placed into a centrifuge to create the serum. It is packaged at a pharmacy and placed in the freezer in packets. The process must be done every 3-4 months.

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The serum is expensive and not covered by insurance. But the doctors who would treat me do take insurance. I’ve requested my HMO to refer me there and am waiting for their answer.

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There are only a few places in the world where serum eye drops are available. The center that does this is only two hours from where I live. It is affiliated with a large university, so it isn’t like something completely out of the box.

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I realize the Internet is full of misinformation, but I have been reading a lot to learn more about the condition I have. It seemed like serum drops promoted healing and relief.

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Clicking on this makes it larger

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But then, I received a real sign. I spoke to someone who actually used them! A good friend called me and asked me if I would like to talk to someone she knew who suffered with severe dry eyes and had found relief. I was more than ready.

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The woman’s name was Celia and she was very kind on the phone. I had a paper and pencil handy and wrote out all of her suggestions. There was a long list. I wasn’t sure about whether I’d be willing to wear motorcycle goggles and even found that to be tragically humorous. But I didn’t rule it out.

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Celia talked about the serum eye drops. She said, “Getting them is very inconvenient and they are expensive. But they make such a difference and I can’t live without them.”

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As if that wasn’t enough for me, the very next day an acquaintance left a message. She and I had played tennis a few days before and I had a lot of trouble that day keeping my eyes open. I was amazed that I was able to force myself onto a tennis court the way I felt.

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Her message said that she had some information that might help me with my eye condition. I called her back.

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She said, “I saw my ophthalmologist and told him about you.” With breathless excitement she said, “Do you know about serum eye drops?”

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I let her know I had been considering them and was amazed at the coincidence that now two people were eager to share this information with me. There were hurdles I’d have to go through in order to do this.

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But I wanted to hold onto my hope that something was going to help me heal and feel better.

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To be continued . . .

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Tagged acknowledging grief, adjusting to implants, blood serum eye drops, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, Cataracts when in fifties, changing your life, chronic blepharitis, compassion, considering vitrectomy, cornea specialist, corneal issues, Corneal neuralgia, discouragement, dry eye regimen, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, dry eyes and hard contact lenses, eye discomfort, eye drops, eye issues, eye lid inflamation, eye pain, eye problems, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, having hope, improvement, inspiration, optimism, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, Restasis eye drops, serum eye drops, severe myopia and cataract surgery, staying hopeful | 1 Comment

LAUGHTER AND TEARS – PART 3

Posted on April 24, 2014 by Judy

This picture was taken while I was on my honeymoon in Mexico. Not long after I was married, I stopped playing my guitar.

LAUGHTER AND TEARS

I still remember the laughter we shared

In the beginning, we danced and we played

Back then, we had so many highs and they’d been

from the music we felt within

Sadness was lonely; it tore us apart

Numbness and pain left no room in my heart

I still remember the tears we once cried

From that time on our joy was gone

We couldn’t dance or laugh or play

tears washed our laughter away

Sadness was lonely; it tore us apart

Losing the laughter is what broke my heart

I still remember the laughter and tears

In the beginning it was laughter, then tears

Even though, it was a lifetime ago

I won’t forget all those years

filled with laughter and tears

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I have blurred my “ex” because he probably doesn’t want his picture on my blog.

I have blurred my “ex.” This picture really feels like a lifetime ago. (Although I currently live on the same street where his car is in this picture.)

Click the blue links to play audio:

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Laughter and Tears Arrangement 2014

Laughter and Tears Arrangement 2011

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“My true feelings”

It has been almost 40 years since I composed my very first song; I named it “You’re Not the One.” I was 15 years old and after that I didn’t write too many other break-up songs. It was because I stopped writing songs in 1981 after I was married. It was over thirty years later when I rediscovered the magic of music in my life.

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One of the most beautiful parts of songwriting is how it is a direct pathway into my subconscious. I live with lyric lines in my head most of the time and always find insight from every single word.

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Not long ago, I wrote about the word “acknowledgement.” I’ve incorporated that word into my life in order to better deal with post-traumatic stress. I see now that it has had a profound effect upon me because it has gone into my lyric writing!

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My last post was named “I Still Remember” and those are the first three words of my song “Laughter & Tears.” They are very important and have helped me come to terms with my true feelings instead of pushing painful memories aside.

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Two weeks ago, I finished a second arrangement for this song and I found the music deeply moving.

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I recorded my first arrangement for Laughter & Tears in 2011. My song was based upon an unfinished song composition from 1979. For the last three years, I have longed to adjust the lyrics that I recorded in 2011. I will definitely share more about that later in this post.

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With my new arrangement, I finally found my inspiration.

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I decided not to make my song a break-up song and left it purposely vague. Perhaps it is because I stayed married for three decades – long after the laughter ended. I preferred “Laughter and Tears” to be an acknowledgment of the ups and downs that happen in a long relationship.

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These lyrics are a new addition to my song “It Might Have Been.”

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“A collage of memories”

Only a month before re-writing Laughter and Tears, I added a much needed verse to an old love song named “It Might Have Been.” I am fascinated that I didn’t realize until a few days ago that I used the same line of “I still remember” in that song, too.

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For most of my marriage, I suppressed many thoughts and feelings in order to cope with unrelenting stress and sadness.

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I have a tendency to view things in extremes: good and bad, black and white, right and wrong. Therefore, laughter and tears were the extremes that came to me when I first wrote my song.

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My song heals me because it takes me away from analyzing my pain and focusing on the loss. Instead of judging my feelings and looking at mistakes, my lyrics are a way to view my former marriage in a beautiful way – I see it as a collage of memories.

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My marriage was filled with laughter in the beginning and plenty of tears. My second verse does relate to the grief my husband and I dealt with after our son died. But there were far more years without either emotion. Those were probably the worst for me; I have called it “Zombieland.”

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The truth was that fun and laughter ended in my relationship rather early on. I blamed myself for having notions of romantic love that led to disappointment. I felt tremendous pressure to make money and succeed as an artist. I was isolated and lonely. My self-worth was tied to financial success, which is something I have completely moved away from at this juncture in my life.

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So the absolute truth was that I was very unhappy before I ever had children and experienced grief.

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I just couldn’t acknowledge my marital unhappiness, nor address it.

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I never considered divorce an option even though my husband and I went for counseling on many occasions. But twenty years ago, my husband never forgave me for mentioning that I had thought about it once.

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I was completely overwhelmed by our three challenging children; for well over a decade I advocated for them because they had special needs. Also, as long as my parents were alive I felt very loved and cared about. The fact that it would have upset them was certainly a factor. By the time I realized that I wanted to end my marriage, my parents were old and sick. Now it wasn’t about dealing with their disapproval; it was more about being too immersed in their care to think about starting a new life.

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My mother always remembered and made a big deal of our anniversary, far more than my husband ever did. My mother always acknowledged that I would never forget the loss of my child and those tears. But she was hopeful I would find happiness again. My children were definitely a salve to my broken heart. Decades later it was my music and writing that truly healed me.

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In 2011, I was enthusiastically relearning all of the songs I could remember from my youth. “Laughter and Tears” was an unfinished song that I had actually written for my friend, Cheryl. I wrote it for her because I was sad that we weren’t close anymore and I missed our laughter so much.

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Three years ago, I decided to record my song and I wrote revised lyrics for it. Immediately my marriage came to mind, however, I was stumped about the message I wanted for my song. I chose to end my song with these lines:

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Over time I’ve come to see

How grateful I can be

To realize you still love me

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When I first sang my song in 2011, I felt a pang in my heart whenever I sang the word “grateful.” Gradually, I discovered that I didn’t believe my own lyrics.

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I was simply repeating the very message that kept me in an empty marriage for years and years in order to cope. Those lyrics came from my conscious mind!

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I felt grateful that my husband worked to support the family and was proud that we had weathered so much. But sadly, we had zero connection and I disliked his company.

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Feeling grateful to “be loved” was a way to avoid the other extreme, which was to be alone and “unloved.” I did not have the courage to change my life and did not think living without affection in a relationship was so terrible. In comparison, divorcing and facing the unknown seemed far more horrendous.

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It was because of songwriting that I became much more in touch with my true feelings.

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I felt he loved me because he would never have ended our relationship. But how could I feel grateful to be loved when I disliked the person so much whom I was singing about?

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As the truth began to dawn upon me with those words, I began to feel an eruption inside me. That led to a song where I finally expressed my true feelings.

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I named that song “The Unknown.”

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