myjourneysinsight

MY JOURNEY IN SIGHT – PART 5

Posted on May 8, 2014 by Judy

My daughter told me I could share this recent photo of us together. She truly is my butterfly.

Sometimes, it’s amazing for me to imagine that four years have passed since my rebirth at the age of 50.

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Many changes have occurred in my life since then. With the finality of my divorce, I have settled into a routine of keeping close tabs on my three children as I continue to follow my dream. The deaths of my parents within two years, as well as the memories associated with living in my childhood home have me living in the past at times. But I also see my future very clearly.

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I am not in any hurry to get there. There are so many wonderful blessings going on in my life that I want to focus on.

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The present has been more challenging than I want to admit because I unfortunately live with chronic pain in my eyes. I deeply want to find acceptance of my condition but pain is hard to live with. I’ve continued to search for remedies without finding any relief.

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In some ways, I see my suffering as a form of grief. It has come with all of the stages that I am quite familiar with. When I first experienced PVD (posterior vitreous detachment) after my cataract surgeries – I was in shock. Since that time, I’ve alternated between depression and numbness. At that time, I was not living with pain – only foggy vision.

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But that has changed. Recently, I’ve noticed that I’m angry and irritable because of the unrelenting pain.

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Just like grief, I decided to see if I could find others that might have wisdom to help me. I discovered an online support group for people suffering with (get ready for a complicated name): Chronic Dry Eyes & Chronic Blepharitis.

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I have both of those conditions and Blepharitis refers to inflammation of the eyelids. This group has helped me tremendously. For certain, it sure helped to commiserate with others suffering from eye pain. And it was fascinating that so many of them had gone through the same experiences with doctors as I had. Most of them went into great detail about the remedies they had tried.

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I am going to share information that I’ve learned by summarizing many messages. All of them tell a very sad story. I’ve organized them into one conversation, but these comments happened over time and came from many different people. Anything I’ve written will be in black/bold.

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I just joined this group. I’m not sure where to start sharing. I can say that I know this is a place where I’ll find understanding. I have had my condition for over two years. I’m 54.

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My eye condition is really affecting my quality of life. I’ve been miserable living with constant pain. I have been using steroid suave, taking flax and fish oil, tried plugs in my ducts; use hot compresses and Restasis eye drops.

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Recently, I went on hormone replacement therapy to see if that could make a difference. It has been a month and nothing has changed yet. I’ll let you know if it helps! I miss feeling “normal.” Every day I struggle with fogginess and pain.

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I’m on hormones too! The only time my eyes feel “good” is when I’m asleep or have hot compresses on them.

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I’m thinking there is no such thing as just chronic dry eyes. I think we should tell our docs not to say, “You have chronic dry eyes and I’m giving you Restasis. Just go die for a year.” I’m glad I had the brains to go to a neuro optho on my own after 6 months.

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My eyes drive me nuts. I take fish oil, use Restasis, use over the counter drops like they are air, sleep with a wet rag over my face, and have plugs in the ducts – and still it is like this.

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My eyes have been bad again this week leaving me very depressed and unable to work. I think I’m close to losing my job. The worst thing is I don’t feel I’m getting the help I need. My doctor doesn’t know what to do for me.

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My eyes hurt all the time, my left eye is dribbling and goopy, and my vision really sucks. This stinks. OK, rant over, back to work. I just had to say it to somebody.

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Have you tried using ice cubes to stop the burning? There are those eye masks you can put in fridge or freezer. You can use cold or frozen cucumbers too.

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My eyes will not stop. I sit here with wet cloth on my eyes and also just pouring the drops in. Both eyes still killing me. Going to blow a gasket here.

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My eyes have decided to join yours now. SO miserable!! Makes me feel sick, headaches, light is painful. The pain is like a combination of scraping sand and onion juice.

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I’m so sorry. I understand it can be horrible pain & discomfort is so hard. Can you use preservative-free lubricating drops that do not have Benzalkonium Chloride in them? That can aggravate some people’s eyes.

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I didn’t know that and my doctor only recently told me. I was pouring in artificial tears that could have made my condition much worse!

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  I saw an eye doc and he just said dry eyes and gave me Restasis and I also got the tear duct plugs; neither work .

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I’ve been there many times myself. It’s a process to figure out what helps you and what doesn’t. There are many forms of Blepharitis and you need to know what type you have.

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My doc told me I was his worst patient, I have the plugs and I’m on the Restasis and I had to be on the Steroid drops for almost a year to just survive. But I’ve been eating really healthy trying to take the best care of myself.

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What exactly have you been diagnosed with?

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The doctor just said I had dry eyes; that was the diagnosis.

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Telling you that you have dry eyes is like a cardiologist telling you that you have heart trouble! It might be accurate in some sense but it is NOT A DIAGNOSIS. Dry eye is a convenient catchall term for a whole lot of things (many of us have more than one issue).

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My doctors are willing to offer me a Vitrectomy – which is totally risky! I just wish I didn’t have the discomfort and pain. I’ll keep trying things and will definitely share anything that works.

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I am new to the group. Thanks for the invite. Have had dry eyes for years. Not so much for treatment. My doctor put me on Doxycycline for several months, but I did not do my homework, and really don’t know if there is any good research. My gut wouldn’t handle it and shortly after I developed a parasite infestation. Maybe the antibiotic changed the gut flora?

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Your words are very meaningful for me and I am so sorry about what happened on the Doxycycline. I was given a prescription for it also. I decided to wait on it because I’ve had stomach issues in the past. I’m glad I followed my “gut” feeling! I started hormone replacement therapy instead. Thank you for sharing and I hope something brings both of us relief soon.

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I have aged at least three years in the last 5 months. I now look older than I am and I always looked at least 5 years younger before.

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I feel that way too. I look at pictures before this eye pain began. I was always smiling and youthful. I walk around now with my eyes like slits, trying to cope with constant pain. I pray it won’t be this way for the rest of my life!

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I learned that eye pain is considered particularly excruciating because our eyes have so many nerve endings.

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I was a terrific advocate for my children and parents. But it has been difficult for me to advocate for myself because I honestly feel like I am ill and in too much pain to think clearly.

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Because my eyes have been worse lately and nothing has offered relief, I’ve decided to pursue a remedy that has intrigued me from the very beginning – serum eye drops.

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I had heard about miraculous results and even one of the doctors at my HMO mentioned it. These eye drops are created from my own blood. Blood is drawn and placed into a centrifuge to create the serum. It is packaged at a pharmacy and placed in the freezer in packets. The process must be done every 3-4 months.

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The serum is expensive and not covered by insurance. But the doctors who would treat me do take insurance. I’ve requested my HMO to refer me there and am waiting for their answer.

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There are only a few places in the world where serum eye drops are available. The center that does this is only two hours from where I live. It is affiliated with a large university, so it isn’t like something completely out of the box.

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I realize the Internet is full of misinformation, but I have been reading a lot to learn more about the condition I have. It seemed like serum drops promoted healing and relief.

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Clicking on this makes it larger

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But then, I received a real sign. I spoke to someone who actually used them! A good friend called me and asked me if I would like to talk to someone she knew who suffered with severe dry eyes and had found relief. I was more than ready.

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The woman’s name was Celia and she was very kind on the phone. I had a paper and pencil handy and wrote out all of her suggestions. There was a long list. I wasn’t sure about whether I’d be willing to wear motorcycle goggles and even found that to be tragically humorous. But I didn’t rule it out.

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Celia talked about the serum eye drops. She said, “Getting them is very inconvenient and they are expensive. But they make such a difference and I can’t live without them.”

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As if that wasn’t enough for me, the very next day an acquaintance left a message. She and I had played tennis a few days before and I had a lot of trouble that day keeping my eyes open. I was amazed that I was able to force myself onto a tennis court the way I felt.

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Her message said that she had some information that might help me with my eye condition. I called her back.

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She said, “I saw my ophthalmologist and told him about you.” With breathless excitement she said, “Do you know about serum eye drops?”

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I let her know I had been considering them and was amazed at the coincidence that now two people were eager to share this information with me. There were hurdles I’d have to go through in order to do this.

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But I wanted to hold onto my hope that something was going to help me heal and feel better.

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To be continued . . .

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acknowledging grief, adjusting to implants, blood serum eye drops, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, Cataracts when in fifties, changing your life, chronic blepharitis, compassion, considering vitrectomy, cornea specialist, corneal issues, Corneal neuralgia, discouragement, dry eye regimen, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, dry eyes and hard contact lenses, eye discomfort, eye drops, eye issues, eye lid inflamation, eye pain, eye problems, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, having hope, improvement, inspiration, optimism, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, Restasis eye drops, serum eye drops, severe myopia and cataract surgery, staying hopeful | 1 Comment

LAUGHTER AND TEARS – PART 3

Posted on April 24, 2014 by Judy

This picture was taken while I was on my honeymoon in Mexico. Not long after I was married, I stopped playing my guitar.

LAUGHTER AND TEARS

I still remember the laughter we shared

In the beginning, we danced and we played

Back then, we had so many highs and they’d been

from the music we felt within

Sadness was lonely; it tore us apart

Numbness and pain left no room in my heart

I still remember the tears we once cried

From that time on our joy was gone

We couldn’t dance or laugh or play

tears washed our laughter away

Sadness was lonely; it tore us apart

Losing the laughter is what broke my heart

I still remember the laughter and tears

In the beginning it was laughter, then tears

Even though, it was a lifetime ago

I won’t forget all those years

filled with laughter and tears

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I have blurred my “ex” because he probably doesn’t want his picture on my blog.

I have blurred my “ex.” This picture really feels like a lifetime ago. (Although I currently live on the same street where his car is in this picture.)

Click the blue links to play audio:

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Laughter and Tears Arrangement 2014

Laughter and Tears Arrangement 2011

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“My true feelings”

It has been almost 40 years since I composed my very first song; I named it “You’re Not the One.” I was 15 years old and after that I didn’t write too many other break-up songs. It was because I stopped writing songs in 1981 after I was married. It was over thirty years later when I rediscovered the magic of music in my life.

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One of the most beautiful parts of songwriting is how it is a direct pathway into my subconscious. I live with lyric lines in my head most of the time and always find insight from every single word.

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Not long ago, I wrote about the word “acknowledgement.” I’ve incorporated that word into my life in order to better deal with post-traumatic stress. I see now that it has had a profound effect upon me because it has gone into my lyric writing!

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My last post was named “I Still Remember” and those are the first three words of my song “Laughter & Tears.” They are very important and have helped me come to terms with my true feelings instead of pushing painful memories aside.

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Two weeks ago, I finished a second arrangement for this song and I found the music deeply moving.

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I recorded my first arrangement for Laughter & Tears in 2011. My song was based upon an unfinished song composition from 1979. For the last three years, I have longed to adjust the lyrics that I recorded in 2011. I will definitely share more about that later in this post.

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With my new arrangement, I finally found my inspiration.

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I decided not to make my song a break-up song and left it purposely vague. Perhaps it is because I stayed married for three decades – long after the laughter ended. I preferred “Laughter and Tears” to be an acknowledgment of the ups and downs that happen in a long relationship.

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These lyrics are a new addition to my song “It Might Have Been.”

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“A collage of memories”

Only a month before re-writing Laughter and Tears, I added a much needed verse to an old love song named “It Might Have Been.” I am fascinated that I didn’t realize until a few days ago that I used the same line of “I still remember” in that song, too.

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For most of my marriage, I suppressed many thoughts and feelings in order to cope with unrelenting stress and sadness.

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I have a tendency to view things in extremes: good and bad, black and white, right and wrong. Therefore, laughter and tears were the extremes that came to me when I first wrote my song.

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My song heals me because it takes me away from analyzing my pain and focusing on the loss. Instead of judging my feelings and looking at mistakes, my lyrics are a way to view my former marriage in a beautiful way – I see it as a collage of memories.

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My marriage was filled with laughter in the beginning and plenty of tears. My second verse does relate to the grief my husband and I dealt with after our son died. But there were far more years without either emotion. Those were probably the worst for me; I have called it “Zombieland.”

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The truth was that fun and laughter ended in my relationship rather early on. I blamed myself for having notions of romantic love that led to disappointment. I felt tremendous pressure to make money and succeed as an artist. I was isolated and lonely. My self-worth was tied to financial success, which is something I have completely moved away from at this juncture in my life.

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So the absolute truth was that I was very unhappy before I ever had children and experienced grief.

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I just couldn’t acknowledge my marital unhappiness, nor address it.

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I never considered divorce an option even though my husband and I went for counseling on many occasions. But twenty years ago, my husband never forgave me for mentioning that I had thought about it once.

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I was completely overwhelmed by our three challenging children; for well over a decade I advocated for them because they had special needs. Also, as long as my parents were alive I felt very loved and cared about. The fact that it would have upset them was certainly a factor. By the time I realized that I wanted to end my marriage, my parents were old and sick. Now it wasn’t about dealing with their disapproval; it was more about being too immersed in their care to think about starting a new life.

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My mother always remembered and made a big deal of our anniversary, far more than my husband ever did. My mother always acknowledged that I would never forget the loss of my child and those tears. But she was hopeful I would find happiness again. My children were definitely a salve to my broken heart. Decades later it was my music and writing that truly healed me.

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In 2011, I was enthusiastically relearning all of the songs I could remember from my youth. “Laughter and Tears” was an unfinished song that I had actually written for my friend, Cheryl. I wrote it for her because I was sad that we weren’t close anymore and I missed our laughter so much.

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Three years ago, I decided to record my song and I wrote revised lyrics for it. Immediately my marriage came to mind, however, I was stumped about the message I wanted for my song. I chose to end my song with these lines:

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Over time I’ve come to see

How grateful I can be

To realize you still love me

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When I first sang my song in 2011, I felt a pang in my heart whenever I sang the word “grateful.” Gradually, I discovered that I didn’t believe my own lyrics.

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I was simply repeating the very message that kept me in an empty marriage for years and years in order to cope. Those lyrics came from my conscious mind!

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I felt grateful that my husband worked to support the family and was proud that we had weathered so much. But sadly, we had zero connection and I disliked his company.

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Feeling grateful to “be loved” was a way to avoid the other extreme, which was to be alone and “unloved.” I did not have the courage to change my life and did not think living without affection in a relationship was so terrible. In comparison, divorcing and facing the unknown seemed far more horrendous.

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It was because of songwriting that I became much more in touch with my true feelings.

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I felt he loved me because he would never have ended our relationship. But how could I feel grateful to be loved when I disliked the person so much whom I was singing about?

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As the truth began to dawn upon me with those words, I began to feel an eruption inside me. That led to a song where I finally expressed my true feelings.

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I named that song “The Unknown.”

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I decided not to use these lines because I didn’t want my song have a clear ending.

I decided not to use these lines because I didn’t want my song to have a clear ending.

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I looked forward to finding another ending for my song. For three years, I occasionally tried but nothing inspired me.

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But with the second arrangement for “Laughter and Tears,” I found the music evoked the emotions I wanted and the lyric changes flowed easily.

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Last week, I sang vocals for both my new and old arrangement. Below are links to my earlier stories about this song.

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LAUGHTER AND TEARS-PART 1

LAUGHTER AND TEARS-PART 2–

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© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acknowledgment, acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, beautiful music, comforting music, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, death of a child, disillusionment in a relationship, divorce, divorce after a long marriage, divorce and grief, facing divorce after a long marriage, gratefulness, gray divorce, grief, grief and marriage, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", guitar, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, laughter and tears, loss, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories and divorce, men and women grieve differently, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, navigating divorce after a long marriage, original songs, overcoming sadness, relationships, sadness end of marriage, singing, songwriting, writing | 3 Comments

I STILL REMEMBER – PART 1

Posted on April 16, 2014 by Judy

A long ago picture from when I was in love with my husband.

My post title is a line of lyrics that is actually in two of my songs named “It Might Have Been” and “Laughter and Tears.” Currently, I am finalizing a new arrangement for “Laughter and Tears,” which will include some significant lyric changes from my first version. My song is very poignant and fitting for this time in my life.

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Below I share the arrangement in progress. There are musical interludes in it that easily touch my heart and make me cry. I plan to record my guitar and vocal for it soon.

Click the blue link to hear my arrangement in progress:

This picture was taken on the day I was “secretly married.” It happened six months before my formal wedding and was something I did to please my mother. I’m not in this picture because I was lying in the bedroom sick with an upset stomach.

It was warm in my car; I could feel sweat beading up on my forehead. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

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My lawyer had left me a message to call her. I already knew what she was going to tell me. Since December, it was just a matter of paperwork that would simply state I was officially divorced. I knew she wanted to tell me personally.

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My lawyer was a lovely woman who had a divorce story of her own. She shared it with me at our first appointment and I knew then that she was the lawyer for me. She became a lawyer in her 40’s after going through a divorce from a husband who didn’t believe in her career change.

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I was going to actually miss her. Not her fees, but her support. I always felt secure with her, even when I didn’t follow her advice.

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Sometimes I grinned when I imagined her listening to my music while she was driving to some big court case. Over a year ago, I had mailed her a CD because she seemed interesting in hearing my music. But then I thought about it. Would I be charged for her time to listen? I was embarrassed by the thought, but then decided to just send her a message to be sure. I wrote:

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I’m smiling as I write this – I mailed you a CD today. But I want to be sure you’re not going to charge me to listen. I realize time is precious, so you have no obligation to me whatsoever to listen! Thanks!

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Her reply was:

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Judy, I only charge you for legal work…not for my enjoyment. Looking forward to listening.

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I was relieved. Then a few days later she sent me another message. She had received the CD and I was in heaven because she wrote:

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Listening to your music soothes me. Thank you so much.

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Her secretary put my call through. Immediately I knew I was right when I heard my lawyer’s chipper voice. She said, “Congratulations – you are now a free woman! I’m mailing you the final judgment today.”

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After I hung up, I sat there and wondered what I was supposed to feel. I felt so numb. Celebrating didn’t really feel appropriate, even though this day was a long time coming.

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I thought about the fact that the person I had shared over half my life with was also experiencing finality on this day. Vestiges of painful memories swirled around me. The end of my marriage was definitely a grief process and it was complicated.

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Every moment of my new life, I celebrated my freedom. But unfortunately, I was still haunted by habits of thought that I had a lot of trouble overcoming.

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I was very close with my three children. Many emotions surfaced on a constant basis. I was forced to contain my emotions because whenever I shared them with my children, it left me filled with regret and remorse.

The heat began to get to me and I needed to get out of my car to shop for groceries. But I felt like I had to share my news. I sent out a text message that read:

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I received a call from my lawyer. My divorce is final. It’s a big moment.

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The replies began to pour in. My favorite response was:

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Not a pang of guilt, I hope. Happy for your freedom from the dragon.

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THE PRINCESS AND THE ASHES

The Princess had no regrets. As difficult as it had been to leave the Dragon, there was not a single moment where she missed him.

Sometimes, it was unreal for her to remember her “former life.” She had spent so many years with him and now it was as if he never existed.

Most of time, she tried not to think about him. She had hated their life together and did not want to feel guilty for hurting him. She did not want to imagine how much hatred he felt toward her for leaving him.

The dagger of guilt would often stab her when she wasn’t aware of it. It was understandable because she had spent so many years trying to please him.

Despite not thinking about him, there was so much she could still remember . . .

Some memories of her former life were difficult to push aside. There were many food items she could not look at in the market because it reminded her of the dragon. She did not miss preparing his food.

And she couldn’t really dismiss him because of their “little Dragons.” She was involved in their lives in countless ways. They weren’t little, and sometimes she was overwhelmed by how much they all depended on her.

From the beginning, the Princess accepted that all of the years with Dragon were not wasted. Their offspring might remind her of the Dragon, but they were sweet blossoming buds that filled her life with fragrance and joy.

When the Princess first left the Dragon, she was determined and filled with strength. Every step she took was a celebration of getting farther and farther away from him.

But his fire still burned in her mind and her little Dragons also breathed fire.

The Princess woke up one morning and could hardly open her eyes. Wherever she looked there was smoke and ashes raining down from the sky.

Despite many medicines and potions, she found little relief. Her affliction was confusing and disturbing.

Her eyes were foggy and aching. Sometimes, she wanted to cry so badly to moisten them but could not find a single tear. Other times, tears poured from her eyes without any feelings behind them at all.

Once upon a time, the Princess was so excited about her amazing journey.

But when the ashes began to rain down on her, it became hard for to move forward because she could not see ahead. The constant cloud of gray clouded her eyes, mind and spirit.

Although she still felt inspired and valuable, now she was weak and vulnerable. It was hard for the Princess to imagine how she had been so strong once. She was always so proud of the courage and strength it took for her to leave the Dragon.

Because of her pain, she preferred seclusion. In the dim light of her castle, Princess spent most of her time polishing the enormous collection of song jewels she had amassed. The sparkling jewels always comforted her.

There was one day where her eyes felt so painful; she could not do anything but crawl into bed. She was very discouraged and angry.

The Princess prayed for healing.

It was then when she had a realization and profound insight.

She had to let go of the Dragon.

The Dragon represented hatred, disappointment, anger and unfairness.

Those were all feelings she was an expert at suppressing.

From the time she was a child, she never felt safe to express her true feelings. They simply simmered within her.

Letting go of the Dragon would allow love to return . . .

Love would heal her.

She knew she had gems of value far beyond her song jewels.

She was a Princess and her “little Dragons” were also royalty. They were priceless and more valuable than any jewels on earth.

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Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, beautiful music, children and divorce, comforting music, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, death, disillusionment in a relationship, divorce, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, gratefulness, gray divorce, grief, grief and marriage, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, I still remember, inspiration, Judy Unger, laughter and tears, loss, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories and divorce, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, navigating divorce after a long marriage, original songs, overcoming sadness, performing, relationships, sadness end of marriage, singing, songwriting, the Dragon, the princess and the dragon | 3 Comments

THE DOOR – PART 3

Posted on April 14, 2014 by Judy

Clicking the blue links plays audio:

The Door Acoustic 5-16-18

Link to song page with performance and more links: THE DOOR

My song garden has become a lovely arboretum; I now have over fifty songs with arrangements. That translates into a lot of singing, composing and guitar playing over the last few years. I especially love my recent song arrangements and have learned so many things from working with my arranger, George.

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Although I have occasional angst over key and tempo decisions, overall I am satisfied with my singing voice. This is huge for me since I seldom take a voice lesson anymore.

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I’ve discovered how from one session to another my singing ability varies. Occasionally, I’ll hold my voice back and none of the vocal lines have conviction. Other times, I’ll over-sing and many words come out too harsh. Because I am so adept at vocal editing, I know how to make my recordings work. I’ll go back to sing parts if my song needs it. I always fill in my song “puzzle” so that all the pieces fit well together.

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There are also those times, especially with a new song – where I feel a magical connection with my music and lyrics. It is such a joy to edit those recordings!

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All of my recent singing is definitely better than anything I did a year ago. I am far more relaxed and have integrated concepts from my past lessons with Kimberly Haynes. I also remember so many things from the time when I worked with Peaches Chrenko.

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A large percentage of my fifty songs have vocals that are “good enough.” I am getting closer and closer to releasing my music but having my songs and audio book professionally mastered has taken far more time and energy than I ever anticipated. I could write an entire story related to what I’ve learned about mixing and mastering music!

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Every week, I work on a song that I’m certain will benefit from my improved voice. I never want to abandon any of my songs – many of them have alternate arrangements that are also beautiful. I can’t choose which version I like better, so I enjoy both of them.

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It was late in the afternoon when I arrived to record vocals. Darrin’s studio was only a mile from my house and I appreciated how convenient it was. I began recording with Darrin over a year ago; sometimes I wondered how long I would continue recording with him. For certain, there was never a shortage of songs that I wanted to improve!

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When I came into the recording area, Darrin asked me what song I’d be singing. I smiled and said, “I think I’ll do my first version of The Door. I really love my newer version, but the very first one I composed in 2012 is also special.”

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Then I added, “And since I found out this morning that my divorce is final – it’s a perfect song for me to sing today!”

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Before I went over to the microphone, I took off my shoes so they wouldn’t squeak while I was recording. Sometimes I swing my arms while singing and hit the microphone stand (it sure adds a loud clunk). I always try not to do that but it is easy for me to get carried away while singing!

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When I composed “The Door” in 2012, my song felt like it was a huge secret. The fact that I was miserable in my marriage was not a secret to people whom I was close with. But finding the courage to divorce was overwhelming and my song helped to guide me. My husband never expected I would leave and my secret ate away at my insides.

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My first arrangement of “The Door” was very orchestral and filled with tension. I couldn’t sing it well because my voice was weak and breathy in 2012.

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But now it was 2014 and my marriage was officially over. I positioned the headphones and my song began to play. I couldn’t believe that I had actually gone through the door.

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As I heard the piano notes, I easily disappeared into my song. I pictured my old house and recalled the terror over ending my marriage and changing the course of my life.

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I saw myself looking out the front door and imagining what it was going to take for me to leave. It wasn’t until after I separated that I added the line of “I knew I was worth more.”

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I sang “The Door” six times. I left Darrin’s studio and was certain that on this day the magical connection was there.

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Links to part one and two of this story:

#398 THE DOOR – PART 1

#399 THE DOOR – PART 2