THAT MOMENT WHEN – PART 1

Posted on April 8, 2018 by Judy

People often comment to me about my smile. I have always found it easy to smile and since I rediscovered my passion for music, I am bursting with joy from within.

I also like to look at my life as an adventure. It gives me the openness to try new things and to view anything scary as something worth overcoming.

I recently came back from touring Utah. It was definitely an adventure for me!

Next week, I am going to embark upon an adventure because I am having one of my songs filmed for a music video. It is truly a dream come true and nothing I ever imagined I’d be doing at the age of 58!

When I began playing my guitar again eight years ago, it was due to my good friend, Joni. She remembered how I had played in high school and encouraged me to play again. And how interesting it was that her two sons, David and Shimmy had recently started producing music videos. For a few years before that they had been producing commercials.

She connected me with them and I was intrigued by the idea that I could actually create a music video for one of my songs. I met with the creative team and was impressed with how professional everyone was. This was becoming a lot of fun for me!

David would direct the video and it would be filmed by Shimmy. Shimmy’s wife, Donna, added wonderful creative input. The obvious question they asked me was which one of my songs did I want made into a music video?

It wasn’t easy for me to pick my favorite song.

I sent a folder of recordings over to David. I narrowed down my choices to five songs. David listened to them and told me there was a favorite one – it was so sweet that it even made him teary. I tried to guess which song, but I couldn’t.

When he told me it was “Crystal Oceans,” I grinned from ear to ear – I never considered my love song to be that touching. But I did love the title and it certainly conjured up lovely imagery.

(Link to more about “Crystal Oceans” https://myjourneysinsight.com/crystal-oceans/)

It was so long ago when I composed my song as a 17-year-old girl dreaming of romance. How would anyone relate to my song since I’m a lot older now?

David reassured me that my song would work just fine. Actors could play out the song’s story. This was sounding more and more exciting. When I received his detailed script and shot list I almost fell out of my chair.

There would be a young Judy. And a handsome young man would portray the guy with crystal blue eyes running down the beach. Young Judy would be penning lyrics in her bedroom as she imagined him taking her by the hand. They would frolic in the tide and fall in love.

But older Judy (ME!) would also be in the video. David loved the image of me sailing on a boat. It held beautiful metaphors; I was setting my sites on the horizon as I calmly sailed across the sea to an unknown destination.

My lyrics for Crystal Oceans evolved over time. David didn’t know that my verse about sailing was only written six months ago. It definitely added more to my song’s story and I was ecstatic that everything had come together for my song in such a profound way.

But it was Donna, Shimmy’s wife who had a surprising idea. She said everyone loved happy endings. My video would close out with the image of a handsome older man holding me as I sailed across crystal blue seas at the end of the video. He was the older version of the young handsome man I longed for at the beginning of my song.

My post title of “That Moment When” is a line from “Crystal Oceans.” Sometimes, it becomes clear when there is a moment that changes everything.

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced that. Sometimes it is with hindsight that I’ve realized something minor was actually something very significant.

Originally “Crystal Oceans” was about my dream that a handsome young man would take my hand, but there was also that moment when I allowed music into my heart again after years and years of grief.

When I started to play music again after 30 years, I had many responsibilities and chores to do. But there I was sitting alone in my darkened bedroom and I never imagined what it would lead to; that my life would completely change after that.

At the age of 17, I loved singing the melody to “Crystal Oceans.” I even used la la la’s to fill in my song because it didn’t have verses. The catchy tune was one I never forgot, even after 3 decades.

Then In 2011, I was on a vacation with my family and decided to expand my song. I sat in the bathroom to write the verse lyrics and melody. It was very challenging to imagine romance because I was lonely at the time and very much devoted to my family. But as a songwriter, dreaming and imagining lifted me right out of my stressful life and was magical.

Last year, I recorded a new version of “Crystal Oceans.” I decided my song could benefit by adding one more verse. I was still married when I wrote the verse lyrics in 2011, but now I was divorced. What could I come up with? My new verse became:

In my dreams on crystal blue seas, you and I are sailing on an ocean breeze . . .

David’s script involved a sailboat and the rental was secured. Two months ago, I enjoyed watching the screen tests and the actors that were chosen were wonderful. I had to admit that I was a little nervous about filming the ending to my video in a romantic way with a total stranger.

I’ve thought a lot about my video ending with the illusion that I had an enduring relationship with the blue-eyed young man. If I chose to, I could be sad and mourn that I did not experience what I had dreamed of as a young girl.

But I’ve had many other dreams come true and there are many more to come. “Crystal Oceans” is all about dreaming and possibilities. Just because I’m older – well, it hasn’t ended for me.

I am on an adventure where anything is possible!

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YOU HAVE FLOWN

Posted on January 20, 2018 by Judy

My post title of “You Have Flown” is a lyric line from my song “Set You Free.” Set You Free is also the name I’ve given to several song compilations that I’ve released on Insight Timer (a meditation app that carries my music.)

My meditation song compilation is my most popular track on Insight Timer. Those songs were created by my former arranger and are definitely best for meditation.

Recently, I released a new instrumental medley on Insight Timer. I used the same illustration for the cover but changed the color theme. My medley of “Healing Instrumental Songs” contained the same six songs except they were based upon my guitar arrangements. I worked very hard mixing and finalizing those songs. It’s one of the many reasons why I haven’t written on my blog for four months.

I have another new medley, which will be released soon. It is the first one that incorporates my voice and I’m very excited to share my lyrics with the wonderful Insight Timer community.

Links to my stories about Set You Free:

Story behind SET YOU FREE-PART 1

Story behind SET YOU FREE-PART 2

Story behind SET YOU FREE-PART 3

Links to hear my song Set You Free:

Set You Free Acoustic 1-3-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

Set You Free Arrangement 12-20-17 Copyright 2017 by Unger

Set You Free Vocal 1-2-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

I wrote the lyrics to “Set You Free” while facing the loss of my father. He was declining steadily from repeated infections.

But my lyrics had another meaning for me. They were about anticipating the time when I would set one of my children free.

Yesterday, my 27-year-old son moved out to start a new phase in his life. In the hours before he left, I could hear my father’s voice and we had entire conversations in my head.

My father was extraordinarily close to my oldest son. Perhaps it was the loss of my first-born son, Jason that brought them closer.

As a baby, toddler and young child – my oldest son was very challenging. I wrote a lot about my unrelenting advocacy (for all of my children) on my blog years ago. Even though it was therapeutic for me to share those stories, I decided to delete them later on out of respect for my childrens’ privacy.

My father was a dedicated teacher and he took it upon himself to tutor my son relentlessly. My other two children would make a mad dash in another direction whenever my father came over. They had little patience for their grandpa who would not let go of them once they were in his “tutoring grip.”

This picture from my son’s high school graduation was taken the year before my father passed away.

But with my oldest son, it was different. Even though he occasionally complained, he was very connected to his grandfather. The love between them was touching and sweet. My father’s devotion to him helped me greatly. At that time, I was overwhelmed with my mother’s care and my other childrens’ issues.

My father died before he could see his beloved grandson graduate from college. I was extremely emotional at the graduation ceremony. I could hear my father weeping with joy and nodded silently as I held back my falling tears.

That was six years ago. Since then, my son had difficulty finding a steady job. He became a tax preparer, which was seasonal work. During the off-season he had another job, but there were no benefits and the pay was low. He was well liked by his co-workers, yet it became apparent that this wasn’t the best career for him.

One day, he told me he had an idea. He had heard from one of his co-workers that there were programs in other states where he could easily become a teacher. The pay was excellent and the cost of living there much cheaper than in Los Angeles, where we lived.

This opportunity could actually allow him to live independently. He decided to apply to a program closest to where we lived, in the state of Nevada. I knew he was anxious about this change, but I loved the fact that it was something he came up with on his own. My son quit his job doing tax work because he just couldn’t stand it anymore.

For many months, he was always home.

He didn’t handle noise well. He complained about the traffic noise and I complained to him that it was noisy when he and his friend were playing video games late at night. Whenever I played guitar and sang he would tell me it distracted him; our bedrooms were very close together. So I seldom sang when he was home. I wore headphones most of the time and if I played music aloud, I would be sure to close my closet and place a towel under my door to muffle sound.

Occasionally, my son would go to his car for an hour to give me some time alone. He knew I missed singing freely and he was right. I would sing my heart out and text him to come back when I was done.

We were both anxiously waiting to see if his application would be accepted. I assured him he would get in. When he received his acceptance letter, he couldn’t believe it; his new future could truly become a reality.

Two weeks ago, we took a road trip to find a place for him to live. The program was in Las Vegas, Nevada, a five-hour drive away. I was sick with a bad cold the whole time, but we accomplished what we set out to do.

We scouted the apartments there and on our last evening a wonderful opportunity became available to him. A good friend called me to tell me she knew of a family that could rent him a room. We went to check it out first thing in the morning and it was perfect. My son loved dogs and a large dog jumped all over him when we came to look at the house.

On the day he planned to leave, I wondered when he would start packing. Around lunchtime, he knocked on my door and asked me if I could keep him company while he gathered his belongings.

It seemed unreal as I sat on his bed and watched him. He asked me to look through mismatched socks and make pairs for him. I silently kicked myself for not buying some new socks the week before.

My son had a passion for magic tricks and I smiled seeing him put a few trinkets into a small case. I imagined him dazzling his young students, he would be surrounded by excited children begging him to show them more.

“Hey mom, have I ever shown you this?” he asked.

He pulled out his grandfather’s driver’s license from his wallet. That license was so important to my father at the end of his life and I could see my son treasured it.

Slowly we both filled up duffel bags and a few suitcases. I would clean his room later on and reminded myself that he would surely be back for visits.

But there was such poignancy about this moment.

His life journey was diverging from mine as he moved down his own path. I smiled as I pictured a bird flying out of a nest. The momma bird was really happy because suddenly she had a lot more room to move – she had done her job well because her baby bird was flying off to a new life with wonderful possibilities.

I wondered what my father would have thought about his grandson becoming an elementary school teacher. My father, the consummate teacher, pounded so many lessons into my son.

Whenever my son became discouraged, he would say, “I wish grandpa were here.”

I would wipe a tear away as I replied, “Me, too.”

My son’s car was finally loaded up. He looked at his back seat and said, “Mom, I don’t need half the things you gave me. I’ll probably never use them.”

Maybe he was right. I glanced at the frying pans, razor blades, pain relievers and cans of food. I kept thinking of the socks I wished I’d bought, too.

Now it was time for him to leave.

“Wait!” I said. “Let me get you something to eat on the road so you won’t have to stop for food.”

I ran into the house to warm up his last frozen vegetarian entrée. I brought it out to his car with a plastic fork and a banana.

The lyric line of “We both know, it’s hard to let go,” began echoing in my head.

I hugged him through his car window and wished him luck.

As his car drove out of the carport, I could hear my father weeping with joy. I blinked back the tears.

My son was free.

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ANGEL IN THE SKY – PART 4

Posted on October 6, 2017 by Judy

A few months ago, it was very therapeutic for me to create a new arrangement for my song “Angel in the Sky.” I created the instrumental video below using pictures and other images I’ve illustrated.

Yesterday I was writing to a friend in grief. I promised her that one day it would get better. She wrote:

I remember the beginning of this journey. It was a black hole of agony. I never thought I would reach this point but here I am. I will believe you because you have been walking this path longer than I have. Thank you.‪

I replied:

Today it is 25 years since the horrible day when I saw my child dead on October 6, 1992. I will never forget that image or the trauma.

But all these years later, I am peaceful.

Last night, I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate my birthday (it’s next week). We had a Thai massage and as I enjoyed it I felt overcome with emotion. I softly began to cry, my cheeks were wet with tears and I wondered if the masseuse knew.

I kept thinking about how much I love my three living children and how lucky I am that they are all doing well. So much has happened since his death. I will always wonder what he could have been – that hasn’t changed. But my acceptance fills me with amazement. I am in awe of my healing.

The first four links below are versions of my new arrangement (with and without vocals and/or instrumentation). Under those are my older instrumental arrangements.

Angel in the Sky Arrangement 9-16-17

Angel in the Sky Guitar Mix 8-23-17

Angel in the Sky #2 Arrangement 2014

Angel in the Sky #1 Instrumental 2013

Links to read lyrics and other stories about this song:

Story behind ANGEL IN THE SKY-PART 1

Story behind ANGEL IN THE SKY-PART 2

Story behind ANGEL IN THE SKY-PART 3

When I first began grieving the death of my son, Jason, I did not look up and feel that he was my angel in sky.

I survived the worst pain and carried my sadness silently for many years. Rediscovering music seven years ago changed everything. I found a way to express my feelings, which led to healing and joy.

Angel in the Sky” reminds me of my love and pain. I do still cry and my voice reflects that when I sing my song.

Feeling him close to me, inspired by music and finding joy again in life represents my healing. But his death changed me and I still see my grief as a lifelong journey.

The picture on the right is a piece of artwork Jason made while in preschool. It looks like an angel to me.

For another bereaved mother that I correspond with, her vision of grief is one of a stalker.

I have shared many of my touching exchanges with Sammi on this blog. It has been five years since Sammi’s son AJ died. She writes about her grief with heartbreaking honesty and I often feel compelled to write back hopeful replies.

Below is a recent exchange between us.

SAMMI:

You know that place: the place between being awake and sleeping, the place where you are gently floating in a bubble of unawareness. That’s where I was last night when I suddenly gasped and sat up straight, staring around the room. I was disorganized at first. I had been sitting on the love seat, dozing in front of the TV. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The last thing I remembered was hearing AJ’s voice, his laugh. It was comforting to me and suddenly it was gone. “I haven’t gone anywhere”, a voice whispered. “I’m still here” it said and chuckled. It was back: my stalker grief.”

They always think I’m gone . . . always,” the voice said while laughing. The pain hit me then, right in the center of my chest, knocking the breath right out of me, spiking my heart rate to a pounding fury. I wondered right then how I physically made it through the beginning of this horrible journey. I think people fail to realize that we are not only dealing with emotional problems but also physical problems as well and how I handled the two eludes me at times like this.

I rubbed my chest and tried to slow my breathing when I heard it again. “He’s never coming back”, a chuckle, “You will never see him again,” a singsong voice, “You will never watch him get married or see his children,” a whisper, “Never, never, never, never, never – it’s over!”

My eyes started to burn and the lump grew in my throat. “Please,” I whispered, “Go away . . . please!” The ominous cloud that I had succeeded in outrunning started to descend on me. My soul screamed: “I’ve had enough – No more!” It was suddenly silent and I couldn’t hear a thing, not even the TV.

“NO!” screamed the nightmare voice. “I decide when it is over . . . I always decide when it’s over!” The words echoed in my head. I let the tears fall. I let the pain take over. I gave up the struggle and sank into the abyss.

We learn to live with the agony that has been dumped into our lives. We learn to live with the knowledge that a part of us will always be missing. We learn to live with half of our heart and half of our soul. We develop a persona that we show to the world that they will accept. We appear normal and we fit in. We have no choice because if we show our true faces, the world cannot handle that. I don’t really blame them. I was there once too.

AJ, you had so much to give. You weren’t done. You should be here. I can say how much I miss you, ache for you, until I am blue in the face. Nothing changes. Nothing ever will. I will always, no, matter how much time has passed, wake to that stalker whispering in my ear. Time will never change that; it will only lengthen in between visits.

AJ, how I yearn for you. I can’t even type these words without the tears starting. Living without you has not become easier. Missing you has not lessened. I wish daily that it had been me. That is how it is supposed to be, parent before child.

It should have been me.

JUDY:

Sammi, your writing is so gut wrenching as you describe your grief. But one day, perhaps your story will ease into a different direction.

Your story begins the same way. Except that when you hear AJ’s voice – instead of being stabbed by the stalker of grief, you will hear AJ speaking to you. You will be enveloped by his love and feel certain he is surrounding you always.

Some of the aching and longing might eventually diminish over time – but love never changes. I understand how it can feel hopeless. I remember that so well.

But you have acknowledged that the stalker of grief is definitely visiting you less and less. You are wise to know it might come again.

I look forward to when you have more and more moments of feeling AJ with you. I say my son returned to me. That was the beginning of my healing. One day he came back and that realization has helped me every day.

Thinking of you with so much love and care.

The thought that someday my grief would ease didn’t seem possible 25 years ago.

When grief is raw and torturous, someday feels like never, the loss is too huge and the hole is gaping. Coping with that anguish leaves no possibility or hope for feeling better, let alone peaceful or joyous about life.

I do believe there is a chain of support that develops with grief. Holding on and later on helping others was very key to my survival of grief.

The exchange below represents three bereaved mothers. The first mother has just begun her journey. The second mother, Sammi, is five years along on her journey. I am the third bereaved mother.

Today I cried

Today I thought of you

Today I missed you

Today I cried

Today I wished you were here

Today I thought of something you would like

Today I saw something you would want

Today I saw your picture

Today I heard your favorite song

Today I cried

Today I thought of something that would make you laugh

Today I looked through your things

Today I saw your friends

Today I knew your siblings missed you

Today I still can’t believe you’re gone

Today I cried

Today I longed to hold your hand

Today I longed to hear your voice

Today I wished it were me

Today was hard. I hope I have the strength to do it all again tomorrow.

Danni (Dani tragically lost her daughter Caitlin only a few months ago in a tragic accident.)

 

Today you got out of bed.

Today you took care of your family.

Today you lived through the pain.

Today you shared with those who understand.

Today you will cry again.

Tomorrow you will do it all again.

We are here.

Sammi

SOMEDAY . . .

Someday, you will wonder how you survived this horrific grief journey.

Someday, there will be moments when you’ll still cry. But then you’ll wipe away the tears.

Someday, you will look back and smile when beautiful memories return.

Someday, you will hold someone else’s hand that is in total despair to help give them the strength to keep going.

Judy

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PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED-PART 2

Posted on September 28, 2017 by Judy

Link to recordings for my song Peaceful and Inspired: PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED

It was so different for me to be traveling on my own. I opened the window of my quaint motel room and the smell of pine was glorious. After showering, I threw my suitcases into my Honda Civic. I turned on my meditation music to inspire me for my 5-hour drive through Northern California. I was leaving Paradise (what a beautiful name for a mountain town!) and driving to Santa Rosa.

Dappled shadows sprinkled over my car as I navigated the mountain road. Once I hit the bottom, I sailed past rolling hills and vineyards.

A sign caught my eye and I turned off the highway. My car shook as I went down a long dirt road into an orchard. After a restroom stop, I carried a large box of fresh peaches and put them on the seat next to me. The peaches would be a lovely gift to share with Cindy when I arrived. Soon I found myself eating a juicy peach as I drove – I was truly in heaven.

Cindy and I knew each other in high school and had been very close while in college. We lost touch shortly before I was married. At our 30th high school reunion, we reconnected. And only a few months ago at our 40th reunion, she mentioned to me that I could visit her anytime I wanted to.

I decided to take her up on her offer. When my 27-year-old son told me he wanted to visit his uncle in Northern California for five days, I knew it was a terrific opportunity for him and I to spend one-on-one time together on the long drive there. I could visit Cindy after dropping him off and this would definitely add adventure to my life.

It was a long time ago when Cindy and I used to go horseback riding, hiking and folk dancing. Losing touch with her felt sad; I had even written a song about it. But my mind was still foggy about why it had happened.

After our 30th high school reunion, Cindy came to visit me. Our children were of similar ages and at that time I was living in a huge home. I showed her my artwork and we talked about our lives since college. We took some really nice family pictures on that day.

Years later when I told Cindy that I was getting divorced, she said, “Judy, I noticed that something was really off when I visited you ten years ago. I even told my husband Barry that something was wrong.” I asked her to explain – what was off?

She told me she sensed my unhappy marriage. Her clue was that my husband and I had barely spoken to or about each other. And what had really surprised her was when she asked me if I ever sang and played my guitar anymore.

I gave her my standard answer. The music that had given me joy and intimacy with my friends was gone. I stopped playing after I was married because I was too busy focusing on my career. Cindy was very surprised by my answer because music was my identity all the time she knew me. When my music ended, I lost the connection and expression of my heart.

My detachment from music and joy was clear to her. I just didn’t know.

This post is named for my song “Peaceful and Inspired,” which I composed in 2014 while on a trip in Oregon.

Driving with my son turned out to be very special and his company was precious. Even though he lived with me, he was making plans to move away – possibly early next year.

I was fine doing most of the driving through boring stretches of farmland. We stopped for lunch at a famous Pea Soup restaurant and took pictures of each other.

I was curious how it would be seeing my son’s uncle, my former brother-in-law. It was probably about ten years since we had seen each other. I knew my divorce probably came as a shock to him; I remembered how I felt after both my brothers’ divorces.

In the early evening we arrived at the forest town of Paradise, which was our destination. I enjoyed seeing my former brother-in-law and his lovely wife. They were warm and excited to see my son. There was nothing awkward about our time together and I felt comfortable.

We went out for dinner and afterwards we all took a walk at a nearby park. I especially appreciated the cooler air since the hot weather had been stifling when we left earlier that morning. The park was connected to a pine forest and deer walked within view.

I said good night to everyone and checked into a motel nearby. The feeling of freedom was indescribable. I was alone in this beautiful setting and filled with gratitude.

Before I rediscovered my love for music, I was not peaceful. I was “stressed out and uninspired.”

When I started to play my guitar again, I found inspiration but I was still fairly stressed out. I had to manage with both my parents’ declining health. I was an advocate for all of my children. Separating after a long marriage and suffering with dry eyes took a huge toll upon my psyche.

Yet during that time, I experienced an amazing renaissance of writing and composing. I am truly in awe about how I did those things while struggling, but consider it a spiritual gift that saved me.

Now that I am in a place of peacefulness, I haven’t felt the need to write like I used to. My time and energy is spent creating new recordings and arrangements of my songs.

When I reflect upon my life and my amazing journey, I seldom imagine what is ahead for me. I feel like where I am it is an absolutely perfect and beautiful place to be.

I am able to devote myself to my passion of creating music. I am close to all three of my children. What more could I want?

I arrived at Cindy and Barry’s home in the late afternoon. I was tired and I felt relieved to have made it safely there. Cindy warmly welcomed me in and Barry helped carry my suitcase and guitar into their daughter’s bedroom.

It worked out well that their daughter was going away that very day to see a solar eclipse that was a few hundred miles away. I would sleep in her room.

Over the next few days, I felt very relaxed with Cindy and Barry. I enjoyed making scrambled eggs for everyone and we went out for wonderful meals in great restaurants. In her daughter’s bedroom was a tank with a large snake inside. Cindy encouraged me to hold it. I owned reptiles when I was a young girl and that was such a long time ago. It was crazy when she took some pictures for me – the snake began wrapping around my neck!

Several times, I pulled out my guitar and shared my songs with her. She sat nearby in an old rocking chair to listen. At one point, we both sang songs together and the memories from the past were so touching.

During one of our long talks, I felt sad that I couldn’t remember why we had lost touch. Cindy opened up to share many of her feelings with me. I became emotional hearing about the awful things she had endured. I wasn’t truly a good friend back then because I had chosen to withdraw from her. When Cindy summed it up by saying, “Judy, you just wanted to stay in a happy place,” my heart ached.

I felt teary and told her I was sorry. I was sincere. I felt badly to have hurt her and for distancing myself from such a dear friend.

My time with Cindy and Barry was special beyond words. Cindy often gave me credit for meeting her husband. I kept pushing her to go to a dancing event and she finally went. It was there that she met Barry. Watching them together sweet – they truly adored each other.

On my third day, we went on an outing to see the coastal forest near their home. The trail through the majestic redwoods was simply gorgeous. After our hike, Barry took some pictures of me playing my guitar in the forest. In my song “Peaceful and Inspired” the last line is, “I’ll take you home with me.”

I definitely took so much home from my forest trip.

I drove back home to Los Angeles with my son and it was on the day of a rare solar eclipse. Even though we weren’t in the range to see a total eclipse, we put on special glasses to view a partial one. My son told me that it was very cool. He took a picture by putting the glasses over his cell phone.

Our time together and this memory was something we would carry with us for the rest of our lives.

And when I came home, I was ready to get right back where I left off – creating new musical arrangements and singing my heart out.

I share a recent performance of my song.

 

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