myjourneysinsight

YOU WHISPER IN MY EAR TO HEAL

Posted on January 16, 2014 by Judy

Click the blue link below to hear the most beautiful music I believe I’ve ever composed. I will be finished soon.

Message from a woman named Sammi on a grief forum:

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I ache for my son…. every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I understand that he is never coming back. I will never see him or touch him or hear his voice or hug him or smell his unique smell, ever again. I know this, I understand this and I have been able to get through each day with this knowledge.

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It’s hard not to feel resentment when you see the people around you enjoying the joy their children give them as they move through the milestones of life. I watch as life moves on and think about those of us that have been chosen to walk this horrendous path and try to make sense of how we have been touched with unbearable sorrow while others seem never to be touched. My faith was shattered when this happened and it remains shattered to this day.

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Now the hurdle that remains in front of me is the knowledge that I will wake every day to the heaviness on my heart and the hole in my soul with no cure for this and yet I am expected to go on. I love my family dearly but I know I am just existing…. waiting to die.

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These are words I wrote two years after my son died in 1992.

Response from another member:

I sit here crying. You have put my heart into your words. I will never be whole again, just broken and different. I’ve lost my only son, my only child, my only family. I need something to hold onto and pictures of my son just are not enough.

My reply:

There are few ways to describe the amputation of a soul. But you did it so well. I remember wanting to die. Then I realized I was a living dead person for many, many years. Like a blackened forest with no sign of life, one day a shoot takes hold. The forest is never the same. But life can return. I pray it does for you someday. You carry so much love for your son. The hole inside you that has sucked you in will eventually become a huge scar. Life will never be the same, but you won’t be suffering like this. I am so sorry. I cry because I remember that pain well.

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There are indeed many of us walking wounded out there. The problem is that there are so few of us compared to those who do not have to walk this path. It isolates us on a day-to-day basis because we can never put it out of our mind. Many people sympathize with us, but then push that aside and move on. We are screaming inside and smiling on the outside. They cannot possibly understand this pain nor do you want them to. I am where you are…. trying to move on. I find that I am learning how to pretend very well and hide my true feelings.

This was our second holiday season without our beautiful boy and I managed to put the tree up. That’s it. Nothing else. I guess that was a big step.

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My words:

Grief is isolation in the purest sense. I surrounded myself with fellow grievers and although it helped me to survive, the exquisite agony was always there. And such a burden it was. It left me unable to think without reliving his death for years and years. I hate to say how long it took me to “feel better.” I do not say recovered. There is no recovery from this.

My wisdom after 20 years is that healing is possible. It is imperceptible at first and not adequate when the pain is so horrific. But it happened for me. I was blessed to find something where my son returned into my life in a beautiful way – through music. Just this past weekend, my son came into my bed at night and held me close and whispered a new song into my ear. I haven’t recorded my vocal for it yet. But the music speaks – it speaks very clearly.”

I’m thrilled beyond words that my beautiful son is my inspiration every day of my life. He is gone, but has returned to me in a different form. That is healing. And it is possible. I am living proof.

Love, Judy

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Judy, that is very beautiful – it brought tears to my eyes. My problem is that I can’t see getting over 34 years of this beautiful soul…. ever. I am happy you have found this way to connect with your son and that it gives you peace.

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Thank you. You will not get over it. And comparisons aren’t helpful either. When I was deeply grieving I would have told you my situation was worse because I had to deal with a young child whom I was a caregiver for. My daily life was ripped away and his room remained with all his toys and clothes to go through. I thought it was much worse because of that.

But later on I learned that child loss is a horror at any age. Whether a son lives 34 years or dies as a baby – it is longing for a future that is only a dream and not a possibility.

You cannot see the road in front of you because you are shattered. It is about putting one foot in front of the other. But you are moving forward. Because I am far ahead of you, I cannot really take your hand. But I am proof that peace is possible.

Sometimes, things are there that we cannot see. Grief is that way. Thank you for telling me that my song touched you. What you don’t know is that my song has lyrics and they are dedicated to you because when I sing them – I know they are for you. My son whispered this song to me for a reason.

I’ll share more soon. Love, Judy

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, grief, Grief and Bereavement, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", grief Friendship, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, having hope, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, hopelessness, Hypnotherapy, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a child, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, Music, music and healing, my shining star, optimism, original songs, performing, sadness, singing, songwriting, uplifting music, whisper in my ear to heal, writing | 1 Comment

MY JOURNEY IN SIGHT – PART 2

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Judy

Three weeks ago:

I drifted into the hypnotic sleep quickly and deeply. The peacefulness was so beautiful and I heard Connie’s voice softly say, “Allow an image to form that represents your heart.”

The first thing that came into my mind was a tear. I tried to describe it.

“It’s a crystal teardrop – and is almost like an upside-down heart. It has no facets and is smooth and clear.”

I marveled at the beautiful image I had picked. Just that week, I had sung a vocal for a new arrangement of my song “Crystal Oceans.” Maybe it wasn’t a coincidence that I chose a crystal.

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Then Connie said, “What would the crystal teardrop tell Judy if it could speak?”

“The crystal teardrop would tell her that there is beauty and clarity that results from her tears and sadness. She has a pure heart.”

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After I awoke from hypnosis, Connie and I discussed the image of my crystal teardrop further. I found a negative aspect to it – crystal meant that my heart was like stone, a lyric line I had written describing coldness and lack of feeling. Crystals were hard and cold.

But as Connie and I talked about it more, I realized that crystals were something to be treasured and each one was unique. And crystals grew from powerful forces in nature.

My tears flowed easily. That was why the image came to me.

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Two weeks ago:

I arrived for my hypnotherapy session completely distraught. My eyes were foggy and the sensations were impossible for me to ignore.

There have been several times in my life when I had physical conditions that were definitely stress-related. Over time, those problems resolved. One eye specialist recommended hypnosis as a way to deal with my discomfort related to posterior vitreous detachment.

Now I was suffering at a time when I had less stress than usual in my life. I desperately wished I could solve this mystery. The greatest stress I had was because my eyes were always bothering me!

Connie began our session by helping me with a technique known as “tapping.”

First, I spoke about what I was feeling. She took notes and then our work began.

I followed her lead and she repeated words that I had just said. I repeated those words while at the same time tapping areas of my body in a repetitive fashion.

Tears were pouring from my eyes as I repeated painful phrases:

“I’m angry. This isn’t fair. I don’t want to live with this condition. The doctors told me I’d just get used to it – but I can’t! I could have surgery that might cause me to lose my eyeball! I don’t know what to do. I’m lost!”

The tapping went on for about ten minutes and then we stopped. Connie asked me how I felt.

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Feelings were all in the forefront now. This technique was excellent at causing me to let down my guard. Tears and feelings kept gushing out.

I sobbed, “Oh, I have a lot of baggage around doctors! After all, my son died following heart surgery when I was told his odds were excellent. They were wrong!”

With those words, I realized that I had not truly let go of past trauma.

I cried and cried. And then I felt better.

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Today I had an appointment with my regular doctor. He was very sympathetic and kind as he looked right into my pained eyes.

I could feel my lip trembling as I thanked him. He told me he would be my advocate and put in a request that my HMO cover the cost for my second opinion. He said it would probably be denied – but it was still worth trying. I felt so grateful for him.

Together we went over my entire history of eye issues that began shortly before I had 3 cataract surgeries in 2012. Since then, I had seen at least five different eye specialists within my HMO and had gone for another outside opinion, which I was not reimbursed for.

Before I left, I mentioned something that Dr. Sam had suggested – was there any rheumatological testing he could do to look for other causes of dry eyes?

My doctor said, “Wow, your friend really knows his stuff.” Yes, I’m going to order lab tests for that right now.

I asked him how long it would be until I’d get a decision from the HMO. He said, “Don’t cancel your outside appointment. If it takes a long time that will actually work in your favor. Let me know what you find out from the doctor you’re seeing at Jules Stein Eye Institute.”

I told him I certainly would.

I walked to my car. My eyes were half closed and I felt like something was crawling under my eyelids. This could not be normal and I hoped I’d get some answers soon.

I closed my eyes and sat in my car. I wanted to listen to a recording of the new song I composed over the weekend.

Even though I didn’t feel well, I was completely lifted out of sadness because God had sent me this new song. It helped me in such a magnificent way.

I was blessed.

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Tagged acknowledging grief, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, Cataracts when in fifties, changing your life, compassion, coping with grief, crystal, crystal teardrops, crystal tears, discouragement, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, eye discomfort, eye issues, eye problems, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, having hope, HMO, hypnosis, Hypnotherapy, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, music therapy, musical inspiration, optimism, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, releasing pain, self improvement, staying hopeful, suppressing emotion, teardrops, tears | 4 Comments

MY JOURNEY IN SIGHT – PART 1

Posted on January 12, 2014 by Judy

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“Hello, this is Angie. I was on vacation for a week, but I was looking at your chart note and he wants you to contact him only if you want surgery. So let me know if you want surgery. If you do, then I’m going to pass the message on to him and he’ll have his surgery scheduler schedule you. Okay? Give me a call back at . . .”

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Audio Transcription of Phone Message from 1/7/14

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Something was wrong. I was having trouble concentrating because my eyes were slightly burning and foggy a great deal of the time.

On a daily basis, I was suffering and plagued with intense dry eye syndrome again – the familiar feeling of feathers and sensations started to make me crazy!

This condition was worse when I was away from home. It plagued me during my recent trips, so it wasn’t about spending a lot of time on a computer.

Gradually, it dawned on me that something had worsened. I was overwhelmed as my eyesight became more and more unbearable. My mind chattered to overcome negative thoughts and sadness. I was losing the battle.

The eye department and facility where I had my cataract surgery did not give immediate appointments unless it was an emergency. This wasn’t an emergency, but clearly I needed to address it. The last time I had gone to that facility with similar symptoms, I received admonishment that my condition was irreversible and I just needed to “get used to it.” I was given a prescription for eye drops (Restasis) and told that eventually my nasty floaters and blurs, which were a result of Posterior Vitreous Detachment in both eyes, would be less noticeable.

It occurred to me that perhaps my physical discomfort was tipping the scales for me now. It was hard for me to open my eyes. I closed them and tried to ignore the dirty vision in front of me, even though I began to feel desperate. Ophthalmology appointments with my HMO were never easy to get and it wasn’t truly an emergency. Or was it?

Depression began to descend upon me like a dark cloud. I found myself crying easily and realized I needed to do something. But what could I do?

I decided to call a retinologist whom I had last seen ten months earlier. He seemed compassionate and willing to help me – but the only way he could do that was through surgery. He said it would be best for me to wait and get in touch with him the following year if my problem hadn’t improved.

He could restore clear vision with a Vitrectomy, but it was an extremely risky procedure and he would do it only in circumstances where a patient could not function otherwise.

But when I called, I kept reaching a recording that his secretary was on vacation. I tried calling back several times with the hope of simply scheduling an appointment. My calls were not returned. A week later, I finally received a call back.

When I heard the voicemail, which I transcribed above – I was very upset.

Such extremes! On one end, I was told that there was nothing that could be done and the other choice would be to have radical surgery. There had to be another answer! Perhaps there were other options. I was tired of only seeing things in black and white, which I often found myself doing.

I went on the Internet and saw that there were other remedies for floaters.

I contacted my regular doctor to tell him what was going on. He was really the best part of my HMO, because he was terrific about following up anytime I asked him anything.

Once again, he was my champion. Within an hour of my emailing him, the retinologist suddenly called and was willing to speak to me.

I described my symptoms and the retinologist explained that surgery would only worsen the dryness I was experiencing. Vitrectomy was what he specialized in and with a 10% chance of losing my eyesight, it wasn’t something I would consider. He said, “I can’t help you, but you can see a cornea specialist for the dryness.”

The following day, I was given an appointment. I couldn’t believe it!

I explained my symptoms to this cornea doctor. He said, “Dry eyes tend to worsen with age and hormonal changes. Sadly, it isn’t something that can be cured. Cutting into the eye with cataract surgery has a permanent effect upon the production of tears. Artificial tears are not the same in terms of lubrication as natural tears.

He was right about that. I poured them into my eyes and it made no difference. I still felt sensations and pain. He gave me his favorite remedy. He told me to microwave rice in a tube sock, and then use it as a warm compress on my eyes twice a day.

I followed his instructions, but found little relief.

In the Los Angeles area where I lived, there was a world-famous eye clinic at UCLA. I decided it was time to go outside my HMO to get another opinion.

I asked my good friend, Dr. Sam to find the name of someone I could see. He followed through and I scheduled an appointment with a well known doctor. It would be on the first Monday in February. This was going to cost me a lot of money, but I decided it was far more important than anything else I could buy.

–=

I copied this from a site on Facebook called Sun Gazing. Not sure who the artist was, because I want to give credit.

I copied this from a site on Facebook called Sun Gazing. Not sure who the artist was, because I wish I could give credit.

My hypnotherapy sessions every week became very intense as I worked hard to discover ways to help myself. I plodded onward and was thankful for the relief I found during those amazing sessions.

One thing I learned, was that I was not being gentle with myself. Criticism was something I had lived with all of my life. Being self-critical was a habit I wished I could overcome.

Two words also played over and over for me. They were: compare and despair.

Those words weren’t helping me. True, I had already suffered the horrible loss in my life of my child. That meant nothing could compare and there was no allowing for despair. And it meant I wasn’t grateful for all the possibilities that my situation could be much worse.

As my eye condition began to overwhelm me, it reminded me very much of grief.

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AN UGLY CONVERSATION

What I am about to share is very ugly. It is about the chatter that has gone on in my mind and encompasses so much energy. There are two voices in my mind that battle endlessly.

I try to use a filter to help myself. I call it the GENTLE FILTER.

This conversation I am sharing is an expression of complete vulnerability. I am honest and raw.

One voice is called: GRIEF. Grief represents sadness and hopelessness.

The other voice is the INNER CRITIC. That voice is judgmental and harsh.

GRIEF: Oh my God! Please, please – I cannot face opening my eyes. It hurts and it’s horrible that I have to look at what is right in front of me. I cannot accept this. I just want to see the way I used to without fog, blurs, shadows and ugly lines swimming all over my eyesight. My eyes burn and I don’t want to open them. Why did this have to happen?

INNER CRITIC: You are weak – come on! You’re lucky that you can still drive and see well enough to function. This problem is a result of your inability to accept the aging process. You are making your own problem worse. You are suffering with this because you are unwilling to be happy about your life. Now that you’ve radically transformed your future by ending your 31-year marriage, did you think you’d be free from suffering?

GRIEF: I know it could be worse, I want to celebrate that it isn’t blindness or cancer. I am grateful for all the beauty in my life, but I’m still sad about this. I sure miss my mom and dad. They really cared about me and would have helped me figure out what to do.

INNER CRITIC: You don’t really miss them. They would have only suffered to see you going through this. It’s better they’re gone.

GRIEF: I have grieved so many things in my life. I believe in healing. I’m okay about so many other losses – but not this. I cannot find a way to get used to this. Also, I was so proud to be a shining example of finding joy again in life. Now I am a fraud because I don’t look forward to the future anymore. I want to hide and curl up in a ball. What is the point of anything when I want to just close my eyes? I thank God every moment because I have my music to soothe me. There is still so much I want to do, but I don’t feel well. I think I’m ill.

INNER CRITIC: You’re not ill. You are suffering because you aren’t willing to face your grief. You are over-eating and biting your nails – all of this is a result of your weakness. If you treated your body better, you would feel better. This is not about your eyes.

GRIEF: I surrender. I give up. I’m sad.

GENTLE FILTER:

You are suffering and trying to comfort yourself any way you can. Do not give up hope.

Tagged acknowledging grief, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, Cataracts when in fifties, changing your life, compassion, coping with grief, discouragement, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, eye discomfort, eye issues, eye problems, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, gray divorce, grief, grief and optimism, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, having hope, HMO, hypnosis, Hypnotherapy, improvement, inner critic, inspiration, loss, music therapy, musical inspiration, optimism, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, releasing pain, self improvement, self-critical, self-love, staying hopeful, suppressing emotion, vitrectomy | 2 Comments

THE DOOR – PART 2

Posted on January 10, 2014 by Judy

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THE DOOR

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When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore

Then you’ll know; how sad we were together

I left you long ago

When the closet is bare, empty spaces everywhere

But you knew, the truth I was absent

My distance only grew

When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

I would be okay, even though love went away

My soul I could restore, if I went through that door

When the sheets are still; silence a TV cannot fill

all those years pretending I was happy

I cried so many tears

As you look upon the empty spaces when I’m gone

You must face the love you took for granted

with every single empty space

When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

Somehow I’d be ok, even though love went away

I knew I was worth more, so I went through the door

When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore

Then you’ll know; how sad we were together

I left you long ago

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Clicking the blue link plays audio:

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The Door Acoustic 5-16-18

The Door Acoustic Home Recording – 5/10/16

Link to song page with performance and more links: THE DOOR

This blog and my resulting transformation began almost four years ago. It truly has been a journey.

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I treasured every moment and thanked God for all of my gifts. I rediscovered my love for music and songwriting. I was bursting with tremendous creativity and had boundless energy.

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Although my life felt meaningful, I carried emptiness inside that became more and more difficult to dismiss. For so long, I did not want to face the fact that I disliked my husband. Affection had vanished for decades before that. Although I accepted it for years and years, tension with his presence made my life unpleasant.

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Since I was unable to express my true feelings, I often found myself cursing under my breath. Every night, I hated to enter my bedroom where he was. The T.V. was constantly blaring and I wore headphones to escape. I would close my eyes and dream of peacefulness someday.

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My music lifted me out of the insanity and pain. It was more than going to magical places; it was my escape.

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I lived two separate lives. One was within my own beautiful and musical world, and the other was in a practical, physical world. In the physical world, I was lonely. With my music, I was complete. I danced between the two, and could not share those feelings with anyone.

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When I looked ahead, I clearly saw my beautiful journey within view. There was a time, when I had no excitement about the future. Now I felt certain that I could continue my creative expression if I was willing to make changes to my life.

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The greatest meaning for my song “The Door” is that I began to view my future as an exciting new reality for me, rather than unknown and scary. Prior to that, my future felt bleak and empty.

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Going through the door was not about leaving; it was about entering a new life.

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I was also excited about opening the door to my heart. For a long time, I kept my unhappy marriage a secret.

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Once I left, I could openly share my writing, music and feelings again. I embarked upon a wonderful new phase in my life.

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This picture is taken during one of my first lessons with Peaches.

This picture was taken during one of my first voice lessons with Peaches.

I share a transcription of a recording from my voice lessons with Peaches Chrenko during the time I was composing “The Door.” For Part 2, I discuss my discovery of an elusive chorus for this song.

Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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July, 2012 Lesson #2 about The Door with Peaches Chrenko

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Judy: As far as the new song, the new song – I have to tell you! You know how we talk about my songs as being channeled?

Peaches: Yes.

Judy: I’m not willing to feel the pain right now. It’s too hard to write it. The melody for the verses is so painful that when I hear it I cry. And I want a knockdown, drag-out great chorus but it’s not coming to me. When it comes I’ll know it, but I have to find it. Every so often I sit down and really try hard to find it, but it’s not coming. I must find that melody that’s going to make those verses really exciting – because they’re so great!

But where are they going? They drop off to nothing! (Peaches laughs as Judy mouths and demonstrates)

ONE WEEK LATER:

Judy: I did not consciously figure out what I was going to do with this song. All I knew was that it was really sad. And I think it was about guilt. Because it was like the empty spaces meant, “I’m leaving you, poor thing.”

Peaches: Yeah.

Judy: And what was it going to take for me to write a chorus? I wanted a chorus that was going to grab me and that I could really sing out. Finally, it was on Saturday morning that I just said to myself – if the music isn’t coming, maybe I’ll just write the words. I always do music first. I thought I’d try something different, so I wrote out my feelings.

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This is the actual page I wrote in order to discover lyrics for the chorus of this song.

And you know the feelings were a result of anger. That clarified things because the anger was not about feeling guilty!

It was about feeling like I was worth something and that’s why I was leaving.

It crystalized everything in a few sentences. And the thing that’s funny is I don’t know what to name it, but I think I’ve got a good title. I called it “The Door.” Because the last line of my chorus was to go through “the door.”

At first it was “walk out the door.” And I’ve heard that a door is a metaphor – you’re leaving. But a good friend of mine, bless her heart, I love her. She said, “You know a door is also going in.” So instead of saying “walk out the door” I decided my last line is “I went through the door.”

Because you don’t know what’s on the other side!

Peaches: Right!

Judy: Right!

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Peaches: Gee, Judy. That is so beautiful – I love the title – I love the concept. I absolutely love it. I love the simplicity of things, especially when the message is profound and very powerful. I love simplistic titles, almost understated titles.

Judy: It’s mysterious! It’s not giving it away. I was thinking if I said, “When love went away” – then right away you know it’s a song where love went away.

Peaches: “The Door” is by far more intriguing – far more interesting.

Judy: You’re not just leaving! You’re going somewhere.

Peaches: That’s right. Everybody can relate to that. Stepping into another part of their life or making a decision. Going through a door is powerful!

Judy: And it tied together with the idea of restoring my soul. Because it’s sort of like, the empty spaces – all of this is because the love is not there.

Peaches: Yeah.

Judy: And that was just the perfect chorus.

Peaches: So many words I like about that. So many phrases – empty spaces – love that!

Judy: I thought that was going to be my title!

Peaches: But it’s great how empty spaces fits within the context of the door. Just really good songwriting – Boy your songwriting you just keep kicking it up, kicking it up, kicking it up!

Judy: Thank you. How do I do it? Because I really don’t sit there to craft it – It just falls out, and when it falls out, it’s like a revelation. Oh, my God, it does this, it does that! I didn’t think of it – it just happened!

Peaches: The beautiful chords, oh my, God – so many chords in the chorus.

Judy: A lot of changes.

Peaches: They’re really moving and the melody moves beautifully over them.

(Judy demonstrates a section with her guitar)

Judy: And then on the second time of “When love when away” could have been the same but instead I decided to go down with a walk-down. “I knew I’d be okay” is the same melody – I was trying to decide which chords to do first.

Peaches: What decisions, Judy!

Judy: And then originally, the second part of the chorus I was going to repeat. “When love went away, I knew I’d be okay.” But I decided to switch it. I did, “I knew I’d be okay, even though love went away.”

Peaches: Ooh, I like that! I like when that happens.

Judy: I’m reinforcing it, but it’s also comforting to know that I’d be okay.

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THE FOLLOWING WEEK:

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I’m doing so much music that I think I’m going to explode. It’s the best time in my life – I’m telling you. If I didn’t have this I’d probably wither inside. Instead, I feel like this garden is just blooming around me.

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Peaches: Isn’t that something?

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Judy: I walk around, and flowers bloom. I swear the sun is shining through the clouds right on me! It’s incredible.

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Peaches: It’s amazing.

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Judy: It is amazing. Thank you, God.

(Judy plays the song on her guitar and starts crying)

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