myjourneysinsight

MY DREAM – PART 1

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Judy

I painted this watercolor when I was twenty.

MY DREAM

Like the sky after sunset my dream still glows

A river of warmth, through my body it flows

Filling my soul, it makes me whole

Helping me cope, my dream gives me hope

Like shade in the summer, a misty spring rain

My dream is so soothing; it heals all my pain

Making me sure, then I’m secure

I may be low, but I’ll never let go

My dream it feels so certain; I wait behind a curtain

One day I’ll face the world’s embrace

And the message I’ll bring with joy when I sing

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

Like a rosebud’s petals, my dream will bloom

Surrounding my heart with its sweet perfume

I may be stressed, but my dream has me blessed

One day I see I’m soaring free

My dream it feels so certain; I wait behind a curtain

One day I will face the world’s embrace

The message I’ll bring with joy when I sing

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

Click the blue links below to play my song:

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My Dream Home Recording 4-8-18

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The links below are recordings of my voice lessons discussing this song with Peaches Chrenko.

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PEACHES LESSON 8/27/12 – about My Dream

PEACHES LESSON A – 9/4/12 about My Dream

PEACHES LESSON B – 9/4/12 about My Dream

–

Some of my lyrics written while my song was “in progress.”

I do believe dreams fuel the soul. Mine has certainly kept me going in a very positive way.

I have many dreams. One of them is to be able to sing vocals at home. Today, I am setting up my recording area at home. My childhood friend, Steve, is coming over to help me.

I purchased a “one-eared” headphone. I always record vocals listening to an arrangement on only one ear. I need to hear my own voice with my other ear. When my headphone arrived, it needed an adaptor. I emailed Steve to ask him which one I needed, and he showed me choices that he would bring with him. His photo was so sweet, but I told him he could smile more.

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Which adaptor? Steve has whatever I need!

Steve and I reconnected when I began playing my guitar again. He was “the little boy I used to play with” when I was a child. Steve moved out from the coop with his family when he was 8 years old.

I think it is amazing how forty years later circumstances brought us back in touch. His support for my music has made a tremendous difference and enabled me to go much farther than I ever imagined.

–

I don’t remember these other neighborhood kids in the picture. Now my parking space is right behind my mother.

This picture is from when I saw Steve last in February of last year. We correspond daily about music.

This picture is from when I saw Steve in February of 2011.

Because of Steve, I have had access to the computer program ProTools. There has been a lot for me to learn and he keeps encouraging me to learn more. It would take many pages to list all the things he has done for me.

Now that I am living in the same place where Steve and I used to play as children, it will be very interesting having him over; his visit will have additional meaning. I look forward to a very nostalgic time together. I’ll remind him about all the great hiding places where we used to play hide-and-seek.

I have many fond memories of my tomboy days.

–

Not a great photo (double exposure), but we were having fun!

LINKS TO MORE ABOUT COMPOSING THIS SONG:

#295 I WAIT BEHIND A CURTAIN

#297 I MAY BE LOW

It was the weekend before the 4^th of July when I finally found the courage to tell my husband that our marriage was over. He was shocked, as I knew he would be. I found it interesting that he did not see it coming, considering how distant we were from each other. When I mentioned that, he admitted that he accepted the situation because, and these were his words: “Change is hard.”

That is so true. The human condition is one that resists change. But I believe that there is a high price to pay for maintaining misery.

I struggled with severe anxiety over telling him the truth. For such a long time, I had stopped sharing all of my feelings with him. He was never happy and I dreaded seeing him when he came home from work every day. It was clear to him that I neglected many of the things I used to take care of. What had brought me happiness was viewed with irritation and annoyance. I would often curse when he left the room in order to feel better.

Once I released my “secret,” I had a hard time navigating the sadness of my children. (At the time, my youngest son was 15, my daughter 18, and my oldest son was 21.) I was grateful that their despair gradually moved into acceptance of the situation. Although they weren’t happy about it, they knew there was no going back.

During that interim period, I entered what I would describe as “a tunnel,” and things were awkward. My tunnel was longer than I expected, because at the same time as I began the divorce process, I discovered that I needed cataract surgery. As a result, it delayed my moving out for a few months.

For the first time in years, my husband and I were communicating. Every dinner conversation revolved around the uncertainty and all the overwhelming decisions that needed to be made. At night, I would lie awake and imagine my new life as I listened to his breathing. I wondered if he were asleep or thinking about the future as I was.

It was hard to see my husband’s grief. He had never dealt with our finances and he was panicked over it. Then, he began to focus his energy upon all of my recent purchases. Even though it wasn’t easy, I tried not to let his financial anxiety and scrutiny affect me. My own financial future was scary. I couldn’t support myself with spousal support, and I did not have any guaranteed art income or medical insurance once we were divorced.

My husband and children wanted to believe in my dream of succeeding with my book, but were skeptical. There was no payback for them and I heard over and over that there was little chance for me to succeed when many others had failed. I wanted financial success so much in order to make them happy.

Originally, I thought I would wait and see if financial success would change my life. But my inner voice told me there was another script that I needed to follow.

It was about being honest and having courage.

I could not wait to change my life based upon financial security. There were many women who had gotten divorced with far less than I. It took bravery for me to do this, but I had two choices: To stay with something sad and familiar or to suffer through a temporary tunnel to emerge into a different life.

At the age of 52, I decided that I it was time for me to choose how I wanted to spend the remainder of my life. Lest I be criticized for not “fixing” my current relationship, I say that maintaining marriage through extreme turmoil for 31 years gave me enough perspective to decide whether it was worth saving. There was no “fixing” for me; marital therapy many years before really didn’t change many basic things.

There was no regret for me about not ending my marriage sooner, but I would have had regret if I waited any longer.

For such a long time I was numb and simply tolerant. But when clarity came to me, I realized that this was not a way to live, for me or for him. I had been with him in a zombie mode for too many years and wanted a better life for both of us, even if he didn’t see it that way. My husband’s sadness penetrated into me as I grieved the loss of my marriage and all our history together. He had known me for so much of my life. I cared about him, but I didn’t want to live with him any more.

Being in the tunnel was one of the more challenging time periods in my life. I struggled to be patient with my eyesight issues. I was depressed and prayed for a new song to help me cope. When my emotions reached a certain level, music often became my savior.

I cried with joy when I began to hear beautiful guitar chords. I did not know what to name my newest instrumental composition, so I picked a title that spoke to what was helping me the most. I named it “My Dream.” Two weeks later, I wrote the lyrics in a brief moment as I heard them all in my mind.

A page of lyrics from my “Unfinished Song Lyrics” folder. I wrote this when I was 17 years old and I have know idea who I was writing to!

My dream of stepping onto a stage to share my music with a large audience began when I wrote about it in my diary as a teenager. Now as an adult, I planned to devote myself to performing in order to promote my audio book. Eventually, the curtain would be pulled back and I looked forward to being embraced by many people as I shared my optimism, my healing music and my inspirational stories.

–

But I wrote my song while I was waiting behind a curtain. My eyesight wasn’t clear and I could start my new life. First, I had to face moving from the home I’d lived in with my husband for 18 years; I had never lived on my own.

My dream encompassed many, many things. It was so gratifying to write a song that expressed exactly how I felt. But I did not write everything into my song.

But the absolute truth was that my dream was about finding intimacy again someday without fear.

–

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, divorce after long marriage, dreaming, facing divorce after a long marriage, Friendship, guitar, having hope, hopefulness, Humor, humor daily life, impending divorce, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, my dream, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, pursuing dreams, recording, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, writing | 1 Comment

MUSIC RESCUED MY SOUL

Posted on December 2, 2012 by Judy

“The Dragon and the Princess”

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The dragon was adjusting to his empty lair. He swept away some of the ashes.

He spent a lot of time wondering what had gone wrong. He loved the princess and had protected her as best he could. Now he was so angry with the princess. Why hadn’t she appreciated his devotion? He had spent so many years devoted to her.

The princess knew he was angry. It was familiar, because he was always unhappy and angry. But he had never been angry with her; he had quietly seethed with fury at life around him.

She still loved the dragon and was grateful for his devotion. His devotion had actually kept them together because she had always felt safe with him.

But now she could not live with him anymore. One day, it became clear to her that in order to live again, she was required to leave the safety of their castle. Not only would he no longer protect her, his anger would follow her.

She knew what had gone wrong even though he did not.

Although she was safe, her protective dragon was incapable of affection. Whenever she came near him, the fire of his breath burned her. His scales were so sharp, that she never moved close to him. So many times, she came close only to have sores and wounds. Eventually, she learned to be careful and developed thick armor to protect herself.

When she left the safety of the dragon, her armor became too heavy to continue wearing. But she was afraid to take it off. Even though she was not living with him, his anger invaded her heart.

She knew that, because at night the princess felt her wounded heart pulsating.

For such a long time, she had accepted her fate. She assumed it was ‘til death do you part. Her heart had shriveled and carried the scars from so many years of being wounded. But then she realized that long ago they had already parted when he became a dragon. And inside, her love for life had slowly died after that.

A long time ago, he was her prince. Perhaps he should not have married a princess. As a girl, she never imagined that someday she would be living with a dragon or that she would be a princess. All she had ever wanted was to be adored.

Now she suffered because she believed the wicked spell that had caused him to change into a dragon was her fault.

–

Clicking the blue link below plays my song in progress. I’m not sure of the title yet.

–

Even though I couldn’t stop singing in my car, my day wasn’t going well. I cursed because I had just lost a pair of my new eyeglasses. I felt so foolish. My father always admonished me to zip my purse and I could hear him scolding me. The glasses probably fell out somewhere in the parking lot.

Thank god, I had my new song to help me.

There was nothing that was going to bother me as long as I had this new song.

The arrangement was minimal and unfinished, but the magic was there. I could feel it. I listened to it over and over and each time the minor chords swept through my heart, it left me euphoric.

I entered the huge warehouse store where I had an optometry appointment. I was determined to find a way to help myself adjust to new and different eyesight following my recent cataract surgery.

I was sheepish when I told the nice optometrist how I had lost my new pair of glasses while coming in from the parking lot. I didn’t even tell him how and he was still sympathetic. His name was John. He was running 45 minutes behind schedule and certainly could have made our appointment brief.

Instead, he allowed me to ramble on to him about how my music saved me. He listened carefully to my eyesight concerns and was very compassionate. My cheek was moist with tears when I left.

It was not only related to the contact lens he had fitted on one eye.

When I went to pay for the eye exam, the receptionist told me it was only $20. I thought she had made a mistake, but it turned out that John had given me a huge discount. I asked for a post-it note, and then I scribbled a thank you to that kind man.

After my appointment, I debated about shopping in the warehouse store. At home, there was already a huge pile of bills that overwhelmed me. Both my husband and I were waiting for our lawyers to come up with an agreement so I could start receiving child and spousal support. I was living on borrowed money. Our house was not yet listed for sale and there was little money left in the joint account.

The uncertainty was sometimes harder for me to bear than I admitted. The week before I had started biting my nails again.

I was determined that I wasn’t going to think about money anymore and decided to shop for a few things I needed.

My day was not going to be thrown by anything related to worry!

I paid for two additional pairs of glasses. One was to help me with up-close work and the other would replace the pair I lost.

I listened to my song as I danced through the store. I felt better and appreciated all the good things in my life, especially my music.

I came out to my car. That same morning, I had taken my car in to have the tires rotated. I was pleased how I accomplished so many important things.

I started my car, but it began to sputter in the parking lot. I let it idle while I made a quick phone call to a friend. I was hysterically laughing and crying as I told my friend that I was having a bad day. My car sounded awful and I wasn’t sure if it would drive.

I wondered what to do; there was definitely something wrong. I remembered there was an automotive center across the street and a block from this warehouse. I found my bravery and slowly moved into gear. I coasted through the parking lot.

My car chugged slowly into a lane of traffic. It died at the first stoplight. I started it up again and it shook – I gunned the engine and it inched forward.

When I reached the large intersection, I stayed calm. I restarted the car, but it died. Cars were honking me and I put on my hazard lights. I realized that I had to turn off the music now.

I started the car again when the light turned green and was able to get it to move through the intersection before it died again two more times.

I knew I could do it!

Finally, I coasted into the driveway where the auto center was and the car died in front of a mechanic.

I wasn’t far from my old home. I called my oldest son and I told him I needed him to come and pick me up. Only a few hours earlier before my optometry appointment, I had come into my old home to give him a big hug. I missed him so much!

He said to me, “Please mom! Don’t cry – everything will be fine.”

I hadn’t wanted to become emotional, but couldn’t help it. Leaving him had left a hole in my heart. When I separated from my husband, I also separated from my oldest son. He was a busy college student, but it was different when we lived together. I knew I could always go knock on his bedroom door and see him.

The automotive center said they could not fix my car because it was likely to be a transmission problem. Now I really had financial stress. My old minivan had 215,000 miles on it. This was not a great time for me to purchase another car.

I didn’t want to leave my car there. I debated about calling a tow truck and decided to have courage. My son followed me as I managed to get my car to sputter a few more blocks. I parked it outside our old home.

I was so glad my son could help me. I was relieved my husband wasn’t home. My son went to run and errand. After he came back he planned to take me back to my coop/apartment. We would be spending more time together.

I went into my daughter’s old bedroom and rested. There would be time later to figure out what to do. I listened to my song and closed my eyes.

I felt painful thoughts buzzing like a swarm of bees in my mind. My song delicately erased the noise. Gradually, I felt myself soothed and imagined I was floating upon beautiful clouds. Once again . . .

My music saved me.

–

I am aware of how stress has ravaged my body. Perhaps when I was younger, my body had more ability to bounce back. But now, stress has left me with an irregular heartbeat. Today, I was given a 24-hour holter monitor to assess my heart. Within a week, I should know the result.

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For sure, I don’t like the feeling where my heart feels offbeat. Instead, I am really trying to stay upbeat.

I cope best by singing and listening to music. Humor is another great tool that helps me to continue smiling, despite challenges.

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I enjoy sharing photos from my younger and thinner days.

I just love those checkered pants!

Oh my god, another checkered outfit. I hated my hair fixed up like that, so I’m amazed that I’m smiling!

This is a reject photo. I think my hair needed to be re-combed. I hated being dressed up and no doubt my mother was mad that I messed up my hair within a few moments. It was probably because I was chasing a lizard.

I felt safe in this picture with my parents on either side of me.

Tagged acoustic guitar, car problems, child's death, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, Daily Life, death, death of a child, divorce, divorce after long marriage, divorce and separation, dragon, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", guitar, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, lovesong, metaphors, mother daughter relationship, Music, original songs, parable, Princess and the Dragon, princess metaphors, separation, singing, songwriting, terminal illness, the princess and the dragon, writing | 3 Comments

PAIN LEFT A HOLE

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Judy

She was blinded when she emerged from the tunnel. For so long, she anticipated the glorious moment, of raising her arms to the sky and basking in the sunshine.

But instead, she could barely open her eyes. The sun was too bright and the light blinded her. She tried to adjust to the light, but her eyes still hurt even after a few days. She began to realize that her eyes were very different now, so many changes had happened while she was in the tunnel. Now she felt much older and weaker, even though not much time had passed.

It was also hard to straighten up after crawling for so long. But her music still helped her and was her nourishment. Each song infused her with hope. Finally her eyes adjusted, and she realized the tunnel opened up to a precipice. There was nowhere else to go as she stood at the edge of a cliff. Not long ago, she had clearly seen that vision. In her mind, she easily pictured herself leaping off the edge and soaring, without any fear of falling.

Yet now, she was terrified she would fall. She imagined that it couldn’t hurt nearly as much as the pain in her heart. Finally, the brightness was too much. She decided to retreat back into the tunnel. It wasn’t time to fly yet. Perhaps she might never fly. It occurred to her that something had changed. She had stopped dreaming.–

I wrote my parable above while in an emotional and teary state; I know I’m depressed. I realize that I am grieving the loss of my 31-year marriage, though I know the pain is temporary while I adjust. I’ve begun looking into divorce support groups and counseling. I made a breakthrough of defeating laziness by taking several walks across the street from my new abode. I lived in this coop until the age of 21 and have memories of attending the high school across the street. As I walked and listened to my music, I began looking at the sky and trees. My heart felt lighter. I took a few pictures with my cellphone to add to my blog.

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I finally received news from my doctor that the results of my holter monitor were not serious. However, I have great benefit from the wisdom of my good friend, Dr. Sam, whom I reconnected with not long after I began blogging. Dr. Sam and I dated in high school and he found my blog after I wrote a story about the “first song I ever wrote.” He suggested I delve deeper into the results to be absolutely certain that my irregular heartbeat wasn’t dangerous. I have followed his advice and am waiting to hear back from my doctor.

–

Two weeks ago, I performed at an open mic night.

I illustrated this as an exercise demonstration for an art student years ago.

I want to share an exchange with an Internet grief forum. It began with John comforting a fellow griever with a statement of “things will get better over time.” Jane responded and told John he couldn’t understand the depth of her pain – the loss of a child. What he was saying seemed like platitudes to her. John responded that he knew about pain because his grandfather had hung himself and his sister died when a truck crushed her. Jane wrote back to once again reiterate that although John meant well, he still couldn’t imagine the difference of losing a child.

On Nov 25, 2012, Jane wrote:

Dear John,  I am not making light of your grief. Grief hurts no matter how you put it. I know you miss your grandfather and sister and I am sure the pain is almost unbearable at times. The loss of your own child differs greatly from other family members. I have lost both of my parents, 2 in-laws, and my best friend, but all their losses together don’t even come close to the loss of my child. It is very difficult to explain but to see that little life you brought into this world, die in front of your own eyes is something I cannot deal with most days. I wish you comfort and peace in your losses but I hope you can understand losing a child is the worst possible pain. I would take any form of cancer or death for myself first, anytime, any day.

I don’t care what age your child dies; they are still your child, your baby, and your reason for life. It has been 20 months for me since I lost my 30-year-old son from Sudden Cardiac Arrest. Every day is different and some days I wish for my own death to take me to him. People often tell me “they understand.” I had one person tell me they understood as they recently lost a pet. I wanted to punch them. NO ONE understands unless they have been through the loss of their own child. Spouses, siblings, parents, those are different types of grief.

A somber watercolor I painted while I was in college.

From: Judy Unger

Subject: THE WORST PAIN

On Nov 27, 2012, Judy Unger wrote:

Dear Jane,

There are people who die from their broken heart every day – that wish to join your dead son is a powerful one.

When my 5-year-old son died, I searched for understanding and sought out other bereaved parents. I was about as “grief-centric” as they come, certain that my grief was the worst in the world. No one could feel my anguish – I could hear my little boy calling “Mommy!” and I kept seeing his cold corpse in the ground. I wanted to bring him a blanket. His dead face filled my days and nights. I could barely go on.

I felt that even if parents had lost a child, they couldn’t understand my pain. I didn’t think a miscarriage or a stillbirth could compare to my level of grief. I even would have told you that it was easier for you losing your adult son – you had more memories to treasure. I had to deal with a room full of clothes and toys that tormented me; reminders of my loss.

I say this because all of those beliefs translated to extreme isolation. It didn’t comfort me or help with my pain. My son died of a heart defect. When I befriended a woman whose daughter died from the flu, she told me that her loss was worse because she had no preparation and I did!

Gradually, I opened up to understanding that there is a lot of pain in this world. In my own lifetime, I have grappled with other forms of grief. I had surviving children with special needs, sick parents and currently I’m going through a divorce. When I remember that I’ve had worse pain with the death of my son in the past, it minimizes my feelings and doesn’t give me permission to feel.

It may be true that the loss of a child is THE WORST. But no one can truly know another persons’ pain.

I want you to heal. Your pain is unbearable. It is worse than anyone else’s because no one else loved your son as you did. I look forward to the day when you’ll know that having THE WORST pain is over. It won’t be as horrible. Hang in there.

Love Judy

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Posted in Grief Educational | Tagged "sandwich generation", child's death, compassionate friends, composing, coping with divorce, Daily Life, death, death of a child, death of a spouse, divorce, divorce after a long marriage, divorce after long marriage, divorce and separation, gray divorce, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, impending death, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, widow | 1 Comment

WHEN NOISE TURNED TO MUSIC

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Judy

When I was born, I was blessed with many gifts.

The blue link below plays a home recording:

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When I was born, I was blessed with many gifts. I believe my greatest gifts were something that most people are born with and take for granted. I had five senses. I was aware how many people functioned without all five senses and felt fortunate to have my taste, sight, touch, smell and hearing.

As a child, I deeply appreciated my senses and was enchanted by the miracle of life. But as I grew older, I simply used my senses to navigate through the world in a practical way.

When I was younger, I savored life; tasting things I loved brought intense pleasure. As an adult, I didn’t really appreciate food because it became a replacement for affection. Eating helped to ease my stress and fill the empty spaces.

When I was younger, I used my eyesight to look closely at colors and details of nature; I marveled at the exquisite beauty of the world. Then I grew older and became too busy to notice much. My eyesight existed so I could see what was in front of me. I preferred not to see beauty because I felt sad that I never went to new places; it would depress me thinking of all the places I would never see.

When I was younger, I would look at clouds and distant landscapes and imagine what the sensation would be if I could actually touch them. As an adult, I didn’t want to remember touching or feeling. I did not have time to feel, because I was sad knowing how little I was touched. It was better not to feel pain, so I didn’t allow myself to feel anything.

When I was younger, I would inhale deeply and memories could be created and invoked with an aroma. When I grew older, I could not smell things well and I decided that was better. It eliminated bad odors and I preferred not to remember poignant past memories. Those memories made me sad because they reminded me of when I was happier.

When I was younger, I loved listening carefully to all the sounds around me. I delighted in the sounds of nature and heard music throughout my day. As an adult, sound was simply another word for noise. I hated much of the sound in my world and longed for peace and quiet. I did love the sound of laughter and especially loved my childrens’ voices. But unfortunately, a great deal of the time they were upset and it was not peaceful in our home.

It never occurred to me that my senses were something that would bless me again later in my life.

But it happened one day, when a single one of my senses elevated my life. It began with sound.