MY DREAM – PART 1

I painted this watercolor when I was twenty.

I painted this watercolor when I was twenty.

MY DREAM

Copyright 2012 by Judy Unger

 

Like the sky after sunset my dream still glows

A river of warmth, through my body it flows

Filling my soul, it makes me whole

Helping me cope, my dream gives me hope

 

Like shade in the summer, a misty spring rain

My dream is so soothing; it heals all my pain

Making me sure, then I’m secure

I may be low, but I’ll never let go

 

My dream it feels so certain; I wait behind a curtain

One day I’ll face the world’s embrace

And the message I’ll bring with joy when I sing

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

 

Like a rosebud’s petals, my dream will bloom

Surrounding my heart with its sweet perfume

I may be stressed, but my dream has me blessed

One day I see I’m soaring free

 

My dream it feels so certain; I wait behind a curtain

One day I will face the world’s embrace

The message I’ll bring with joy when I sing

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

 

 

Click the blue links below to play my song:

My Dream Home Recording 4-8-18

MY DREAM INSTRUMENTAL-Copyright 2012 by Judy Unger

The links below are recordings of my voice lessons discussing this song with Peaches Chrenko.
Some of my lyrics written while my song was

Some of my lyrics written while my song was “in progress.”

I do believe dreams fuel the soul. Mine has certainly kept me going in a very positive way.

 

I have many dreams. One of them is to be able to sing vocals at home. Today, I am setting up my recording area at home. My childhood friend, Steve, is coming over to help me.

 

I purchased a “one-eared” headphone. I always record vocals listening to an arrangement on only one ear. I need to hear my own voice with my other ear. When my headphone arrived, it needed an adaptor. I emailed Steve to ask him which one I needed, and he showed me choices that he would bring with him. His photo was so sweet, but I told him he could smile more.

Which adaptor? Steve has whatever I need!

Which adaptor? Steve has whatever I need!

Steve and I reconnected when I began playing my guitar again. He was “the little boy I used to play with” when I was a child. Steve moved out from the coop with his family when he was 8 years old.

 

I think it is amazing how forty years later circumstances brought us back in touch. His support for my music has made a tremendous difference and enabled me to go much farther than I ever imagined.

I don't remember these other neighborhood kids in the picture. Now my parking space is right behind my mother.

I don’t remember these other neighborhood kids in the picture. Now my parking space is right behind my mother.

Sitting with Steve in the front

This picture is from when I saw Steve last in February of last year. We correspond daily about music.

This picture is from when I saw Steve in February of 2011.

Because of Steve, I have had access to the computer program ProTools. There has been a lot for me to learn and he keeps encouraging me to learn more. It would take many pages to list all the things he has done for me.

 

Now that I am living in the same place where Steve and I used to play as children, it will be very interesting having him over; his visit will have additional meaning. I look forward to a very nostalgic time together. I’ll remind him about all the great hiding places where we used to play hide-and-seek.

 

I have many fond memories of my tomboy days.

– 

Not a great photo (double exposure), but we were having fun!

Not a great photo (double exposure), but we were having fun!

LINKS TO MORE ABOUT COMPOSING THIS SONG:

#295 I WAIT BEHIND A CURTAIN

#297 I MAY BE LOW

 

It was the weekend before the 4th of July when I finally found the courage to tell my husband that our marriage was over. He was shocked, as I knew he would be. I found it interesting that he did not see it coming, considering how distant we were from each other. When I mentioned that, he admitted that he accepted the situation because, and these were his words: “Change is hard.”

 

That is so true. The human condition is one that resists change. But I believe that there is a high price to pay for maintaining misery.

 

I struggled with severe anxiety over telling him the truth. For such a long time, I had stopped sharing all of my feelings with him. He was never happy and I dreaded seeing him when he came home from work every day. It was clear to him that I neglected many of the things I used to take care of. What had brought me happiness was viewed with irritation and annoyance. I would often curse when he left the room in order to feel better.

 

Once I released my “secret,” I had a hard time navigating the sadness of my children. (At the time, my youngest son was 15, my daughter 18, and my oldest son was 21.) I was grateful that their despair gradually moved into acceptance of the situation. Although they weren’t happy about it, they knew there was no going back.

 

During that interim period, I entered what I would describe as “a tunnel,” and things were awkward. My tunnel was longer than I expected, because at the same time as I began the divorce process, I discovered that I needed cataract surgery. As a result, it delayed my moving out for a few months.

 

For the first time in years, my husband and I were communicating. Every dinner conversation revolved around the uncertainty and all the overwhelming decisions that needed to be made. At night, I would lie awake and imagine my new life as I listened to his breathing. I wondered if he were asleep or thinking about the future as I was.

 

It was hard to see my husband’s grief. He had never dealt with our finances and he was panicked over it. Then, he began to focus his energy upon all of my recent purchases. Even though it wasn’t easy, I tried not to let his financial anxiety and scrutiny affect me. My own financial future was scary. I couldn’t support myself with spousal support, and I did not have any guaranteed art income or medical insurance once we were divorced.

 

My husband and children wanted to believe in my dream of succeeding with my book, but were skeptical. There was no payback for them and I heard over and over that there was little chance for me to succeed when many others had failed. I wanted financial success so much in order to make them happy.

 

Originally, I thought I would wait and see if financial success would change my life. But my inner voice told me there was another script that I needed to follow.

 

It was about being honest and having courage.

 

I could not wait to change my life based upon financial security. There were many women who had gotten divorced with far less than I. It took bravery for me to do this, but I had two choices: To stay with something sad and familiar or to suffer through a temporary tunnel to emerge into a different life.

 

At the age of 52, I decided that I it was time for me to choose how I wanted to spend the remainder of my life. Lest I be criticized for not “fixing” my current relationship, I say that maintaining marriage through extreme turmoil for 31 years gave me enough perspective to decide whether it was worth saving. There was no “fixing” for me; marital therapy many years before really didn’t change many basic things.

 

There was no regret for me about not ending my marriage sooner, but I would have had regret if I waited any longer.

 

For such a long time I was numb and simply tolerant. But when clarity came to me, I realized that this was not a way to live, for me or for him. I had been with him in a zombie mode for too many years and wanted a better life for both of us, even if he didn’t see it that way. My husband’s sadness penetrated into me as I grieved the loss of my marriage and all our history together. He had known me for so much of my life. I cared about him, but I didn’t want to live with him any more.

 

Being in the tunnel was one of the more challenging time periods in my life. I struggled to be patient with my eyesight issues. I was depressed and prayed for a new song to help me cope. When my emotions reached a certain level, music often became my savior.

 

I cried with joy when I began to hear beautiful guitar chords. I did not know what to name my newest instrumental composition, so I picked a title that spoke to what was helping me the most. I named it  “My Dream.” Two weeks later, I wrote the lyrics in a brief moment as I heard them all in my mind.

A page of lyrics from my

A page of lyrics from my “Unfinished Song Lyrics” folder. I wrote this when I was 17 years old and I have know idea who I was writing to!

My dream of stepping onto a stage to share my music with a large audience began when I wrote about it in my diary as a teenager. Now as an adult, I planned to devote myself to performing in order to promote my audio book. Eventually, the curtain would be pulled back and I looked forward to being embraced by many people as I shared my optimism, my healing music and my inspirational stories.

But I wrote my song while I was waiting behind a curtain. My eyesight wasn’t clear and I could start my new life. First, I had to face moving from the home I’d lived in with my husband for 18 years; I had never lived on my own.

 

My dream encompassed many, many things. It was so gratifying to write a song that expressed exactly how I felt. But I did not write everything into my song.

 

But the absolute truth was that my dream was about finding intimacy again someday without fear.

Having hope and performing

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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One Response to MY DREAM – PART 1

  1. grahamforeverinmyheart says:

    I saw your comment on BeeBee’s World and so I found your website. I’ve added your blog to the site I created in memory of the sudden death of my 23 year old son 28 weeks ago.
    http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss

    Like

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