myjourneysinsight

SHARING JOY AND MY HEARTACHE, TOO

Posted on February 5, 2011 by Judy

At the moment, I have a lot of creative energy expended in different directions all at the same time. For certain, I feel pressure to market something that I could sell, which would allow me to continue my creative pursuits.

At the same time, the need for writing therapy causes me to drop everything to update my blog.

In essence, I am crafting my book from the beginning, while at the same time I’m continuing to write the ending!

I wanted to respond to a beautiful message I received from my friend, Tauni, yesterday. Tauni is one of the moms in my “special moms group.” She has a child with autism, as do I. We also share a “grief connection.” Tauni’s sister was murdered, and she has suffered terribly with her grief. The fact that the date of her sister’s death was the same as Jason’s death was another one of those amazing coincidences.

I know a lot of my friends might be wondering the same thing that Tauni mentions.

On Feb 4, 2011, Tauni wrote:

Hi Judy,

I got a chance to listen to your song, Retreat. I agree that it is more contemporary, but still definitely sounds like a “Judy” song. I feel and hear your emotion when you sing. Each time I listen to one of your songs, it draws me right in. They are all so moving emotionally and so reflective of all you’ve been through. This one touched me, as almost all of your songs do…even though many of our life experiences are different (and then again, some of those “autism” ones are similar).

I also got caught up reading your blog, listening to your sessions with Peaches and viewing the accompanying pictures. As always, I enjoyed everything…although it feels strange to say that in a way when I read of such heart wrenching sharing sometimes. You are so brave to reveal so much of yourself. Peaches sounds like a great voice coach…so positive and filled with good ideas and advice.

Do you think there might be a future written song (maybe???) that reflects some of the positive joy of where you are now (musically) and have been while rediscovering your music and singing? Something uplifting and joyous…???…when the time is right??? I’d love to hear the outcome of that… (Just wondering…)

Love, Tauni

My friend, Tauni.

“My answer”

First of all, I am really touched whenever I am asked whether I will write a completely, new song. I ask myself that question, too, and the possibilities seem endless. The process of composing is truly a mystery for me.

I do think it will happen at some point, but I have no idea when. My energy has been extended in so many directions!

I see from the quality of my recordings, that my voice and working relationship with George has simply gotten better and better. I really like the sound of my most recent song, Retreat. I plan to go back to some of my older songs and record them now in a more contemporary, upbeat way. Of course, the expense means I really need to concentrate on selling something!

I am completely uncertain about whether there will be any “new” songs, as long as I still have a few possibilities from my old. song sheets.

I do not hear a new song calling out to me yet! However, just the other day I was humming a nice melody to some lyrics to one of those old songs. Instead of a song to a lover, it felt like it could become a song to my child.

I haven’t written a song like that yet – so it was a very interesting possibility for me. Because the song would require a lot of work, it would be very much like a new song.

I have been aware that there is a predominant theme of loss in my music. That thought led me to categorizing my songs.

I was glad to see that I do have a fair amount of songs that celebrate love and joy!

It was actually such a good exercise, that I created a “song by category” page for my blog.

This picture is of Jason with a neighbor when he was about four. He is frozen in time and she would be about 24 now.

“It was unimaginable”

While editing my blog a few months ago, I created a separate post about my son, Jason, which was about the early years before he died. I did that because my original story about Jason was too long for one post. It was:

JASON MEANT HEALER

At the end of that post was a story called “To have a heart.”

While I was in deep grief, I expended a lot of my energy wishing things were different. I wondered why Jason couldn’t have survived the surgery, which ultimately caused his death.

Mathew was a boy in a cardiac support group I used to attend many years ago. He had the same defect as Jason, which was “transposition of the great vessels.” Matthew also had even more severe abnormalities to his heart, as well.

His mother had no other children.

I stayed in touch with his mother, Helen. When she lived locally, she shared some of Matthew’s clothes when he’d outgrow them. Helen endured a difficult divorce. Eventually, she remarried and moved away.

Every year, I received a beautiful Christmas card from her. This year, she shared many wonderful things about her life. She was very involved in her church, where her husband was a Pastor.

Her words about Matthew were extremely touching. He was a strapping, 6’4” man now, and was the manager of Hippo Car Wash in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Over the summer he had gotten married, and he and his wife were expecting a baby.

I remember when Matthew was such an angry boy; he actually emptied all the clothes from his closet and trashed his room when he was four years old!

When I read Helen’s letter, I closed my eyes and allowed my emotions to wash over me.

I was always so worried about Helen losing Matthew; how wrong I was about the seriousness of his heart defect!

With my eyes still closed, I allowed myself “to wonder” what Jason might have been like if he had lived. As usual, I drew a blank – it was too unimaginable for me.

I hadn’t spoken to Helen in at least fifteen years; I decided to call her to let her know that her Christmas update was very touching. I congratulated her. She was gracious as she told me she certainly remembered me well. With honesty, she shared that she had not had time to read my blog. I understood.

After I got off the phone, I pondered what I would write. I was puzzled that I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be.

And then I realized that I no longer expended any energy wishing things were “different.”

That was an amazing revelation for me.

Matthew was a few years older than Jason – he was like a big brother to him.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, cardiac abnormality, child's death, childhood friendship, composing, congenital heart defect, creativity, Daily Life, death, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, heart defects, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Ordinary Life, original songs, parenting, pediatric cardiac defect, performing, singing, songwriting, transposition of the great vessels, writing | Leave a comment

RETREAT – PART 1

Posted on February 3, 2011 by Judy

Link to Song Page with more about my song RETREAT

“Escaping into solitude”

I believe this entire year was an escape into solitude for me. As soon as my mother was released from the hospital approximately one year ago, I embarked on an odyssey of self-discovery. Devoting myself to the therapy of writing and music has paid off for me with huge dividends; certainly none of it financial!

When I think about whether I can financially continue with this “luxury” of rediscovering myself, I get very anxious. The pressure causes me intense sadness, as I’ve loved every minute of my life this past year.

That was all despite the fact that during that time, I still had challenges with my daughter’s situation, my parents, as well as school district issues for my younger son.

I engage in a lot of “self talk” and positive thinking to help me deal with the pressure that sometimes overwhelms me. My creative expression continues to explode within me, and I am unable to consider stopping myself from singing, composing, or writing.

My original songsheet, which is different from what I recorded. I did use a lot of the chords and lyrics that are on it.

I almost killed our dog last night; I turned on the light and had to take this picture. He was peeking out from under one of my pillows. Sometimes I just “crash” into my bed in the dark. It wouldn’t have been good!

“And then you’d appear”

Over this past month, I worked on composing two songs simultaneously. Despite the on-going crisis with my mother, the need to create songs was definitely within me.

I began with Retreat, and let the song slowly unfold and improve. I remembered the chorus melody, and allowed for a new melody and chord progression for the verses. I eliminated many extra words, as I could not remember how I used to sing the verses.

When my other song, You Were There, enraptured me with it’s beauty, I went ahead and put Retreat aside.

I began recording Retreat a week ago and I was completely open to making it sound a little more contemporary. I was curious whether George would prefer my original lyric line or my more “inspirational” lyric change. Originally I had sung, “At those times I’d wish you were there, but you never were.” I had changed it to: “At those times I’d wish you were there, and then you’d appear.”

Peaches liked my original lyric line. Because I wasn’t sure who was actually appearing for me, I was tempted to go back to it. George chose my newer, more upbeat line.

Today when George and I finished the song, I had a cold. I closed my eyes and was transported as he added numerous instruments. This song ended up with the most complex of all my arrangements; I loved every part of the process!

I have wondered if this song would be my last recording of my “youthful songs.” Was there any significance to that for me?

The puzzle of who was appearing to me as I sang “Retreat” was interesting. I have stated before that although I am a very spiritual person, I consider myself an agnostic.

I was very moved to hear that Sara, the 98-year-old woman who lived across the hall from my mother, considered herself one. Obviously she had lived a long life and had not changed her opinion. I found that very helpful for me.

I decided that like many of my songs, there was a prophetic feeling within that lyric line of “and then you’d appear.” I decided that Retreat was recorded after You Were There for a reason.

It would be my mother who would appear, and this would be later on in my life once she was physically gone.

For certain, reaching the end of my youthful, song compositions has been very poignant. I have been studying the four, remaining song sheets that I still have, but I am not sure if the chords or lyrics are worth “reinventing” and recording.

I do have two, classical compositions entitled “Rainfall” and “Waterfalls.” Remembering the fingerings and chords have stymied me, although I know I could replicate those pieces with hard work. Certainly, I become very motivated to painstakingly rediscover them when I imagine how nice they would sound with one of George’s arrangements!

There has been a “lull” in my mother’s situation. I am very ambitious now with improving my singing and beginning to craft a book from this blog.

I have begun working on an outline for this book. It would be based on the rediscovery of my songs. Many stories from my blog would be a part of my book, and I would exclude most everything about my living children.

I’m sure I’ll continue updating the blog whenever I feel the urge, although it’s hard for me to know. There are only so many hours in the day, and I am already utilizing as many as I physically can!

My compensation for singing and playing an hour at Border’s is any drink I desire. I always bring home a chocolate smoothie for my kids. (However, I indulge in a sip or two!)

PEACHES LESSON 1-25-11

PEACHES LESSON 2-1-11

Above, are “voice lesson clips” with my vocal coach, Peaches Chrenko. On the first clip, Peaches helped me with my phrasing on my song Retreat. In the beginning, I had hyperventilated after one of our exercises. When that happens, she has me put my hands up in the air to prevent me from passing out! On the second clip, I was able to share with her my pleasure of having a connection with my audience at Border’s this past Sunday. That has been a rare occurrence for me.

The last clip is where Peaches and I worked on vocals that I will soon be recording with my childhood friend, Steve. A lot of the current songs on the music page of my blog may soon be replaced! I also have included more “youthful” pictures of myself, especially a few that remind me of my song, Retreat.

RETREAT

retreat is where I go

when I am sad

all my tears let me know

I long for you and miss you so

retreat is my escape from the world

I withdraw, and suddenly

I feel you surround me

–

at those times

I’d wish you were near

and then you’d appear

but you were only in my mind

only in my mind

you were only in my mind

retreat is when a song soothes my soul

a melody fills my heart

reminding me we’re not apart

retreat is where I find peacefulness

my music has begun

to be my true companion

–

at those times

I’d wish you were near

and then you’d appear

but you were only in my mind

only in my mind

you were only in my mind

only in my mind

A favorite picture of myself when I was young.

Tagged acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, comfort, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, Humor, humor daily life, Judy Unger, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music therapy, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, retreat, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, writing | Leave a comment

I PICKED YOU UP WHEN YOU FELL DOWN

Posted on February 2, 2011 by Judy

My mom was exhausted from sitting in her wheelchair all morning. She needed the bathroom, but had to use her diaper since it was far too difficult to take her to the bathroom in the medical building.

I had just shared some fantastic news with my mom’s caregiver, Miriam. Her eyes were dancing with joy as she squeezed my hand.

I thought it might be best to let my mom sleep while waiting for the transport team to take her from the medical office back to her nursing facility. It had been a long morning for her, as she waited well over an hour to see the doctor who would deliver a “second opinion.” My expectations of anything uplifting from this appointment were very low. We were seeing a surgeon, so I simply assumed I’d get another recommendation that my mother needed surgery.

I kissed my mom goodbye, and exited the building into the sunshine. As I walked to my car, I had a sensation of my feet leaving the ground; I felt like I could fly! When I was a young girl, I used to feel like I could fly in my dreams. I listened to my music and my heart felt as if it might burst.

I noticed there was a Subway near my car, so I stopped and purchased some chicken soup. I went back to where my mom was and gave the soup to Miriam. My mom might be too tired to make it to the lunchroom when she’d return.

As I drove home I savored the feeling. Life was good – so very good at that moment!

My mom is showing me off to her sister in this still.

When I performed my new song, You Were There, on 1/24/11 my voice broke when I sang the words, “I picked you up when you fell down.”

LIST OF WHAT I WAS TOLD WHEN MY MOM FELL AND FRACTURED HER HIP:

1. Without surgery she would be in extreme pain.

2. Her mortality rate was extremely high; She was already on the schedule to have surgery the morning before New Year’s Eve; the doctor told me he would not be available again for three days. Without surgery, there was a chance she’d die over the weekend. She became a candidate for hospice.

3. My mother would never be allowed any kind of physical therapy involving walking.

4. My mother would never walk again.

5. Only one patient had refused to have surgery with this surgeon in seven years, that patient soon died.

6. Without surgery, my mother would not have a quality of life – she would be immobile.

7. The fact that my mom was on a respirator for seven weeks following surgery a year ago did not put her at risk for hip surgery.

Email message sent out today:

I just got back from an appt. with my mom regarding her hip fracture. This was a second opinion with an orthopedic surgeon.

This doctor said that the ball of her hip, although fractured is somewhat “impacted.” In five years of seeing hundreds of patients, he’s only had three patients with this condition who opted not to have surgery. He said that with a fracture like this, 2/3 of the time it can actually heal without surgery.

Since my mom was not in extreme pain and could lift her leg up while sitting in her wheelchair, he felt she was well on her way to healing. He said it takes about six weeks; then she could begin therapy. She will be allowed to walk!

This doctor wondered why she was put on hospice, since she looked good to him. He ordered another x-ray to be done in three weeks, and at my suggestion will not have my mom transported to him unless something has changed. She was exhausted from the appointment.

Although my mom’s dementia has been more increased lately, she was quite aware of the impact of this appt. She said she’d be a “good girl” and not do anything risky for the next few weeks. She’s excited about having therapy.

I am elated.

Judy

This is how I truly feel.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Advocacy, Aging Parents, broken hip, Caregiving, composing, dementia, fractured hip, hip fracture without surgery, inspiration, loss, lyric writing, mother daughter relationship, Music, original songs, performing | Leave a comment

HOW I LIVED WITHOUT YOU

Posted on January 29, 2011 by Judy

I was obviously in my musical reverie here playing my guitar at the age of 15.

It was late last night when I finished singing at Border’s.

I wasn’t tired. Since the “writer inside” had gone away for a while, instead I went through my memorabilia boxes. It was time to hunt for more sentimental items for my blog.

There was nothing I could possibly write that seemed as meaningful as my song and story about “You Were There.” I couldn’t follow it up. I wondered what would motivate me to write again.

All this week, a melancholy feeling enveloped me as the melody to my song; “You Were There” kept looping in my head. Although I was in the process of recording another song, the melody to that particular song invaded my soul. I always said that my song “Farewell” was my theme song, and “You Were There” carried that melody.

However, my sadness wasn’t just about my mother’s situation. An “anniversary of the heart” was approaching. The date of Cheryl’s death was the first of February; it would be two years since she died of breast cancer.

I went through the boxes because I needed to find something reminiscent of Cheryl.

I was very close to my friend, Cheryl, while I was in college. However, there were stretches of years when we didn’t speak. My early, songwriting passion was intimately shared with Cheryl, and every time I sing I am reminded of her.

I miss her and I wish I could have shared with her my musical transformation.

The title for this post comes from my song “Just a Tune,” which I wrote for Cheryl. Below are the other posts (including songs) I wrote for her:

AN ATTACHMENT FOREVER, I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER YOU, THE PLACE INSIDE MY HEART, I CAN FEEL LOVE AGAIN, WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND, ONLY TEARS, CHILDHOOD DISAPPEARS

My melancholy had me thinking of a book I read when I was younger called “Flowers for Algernon.”

I imagined that I was starting to change back from the “happy, transformed person” I became this year. Images haunted me, as I felt myself falling back into old habits of overeating and the resulting numbness.

Coincidently, this week I spent a lot of time reminiscing. I had decided to create more images for my blog by creating stills from a DVD of old, reel-to-reel movies. I felt like I had entered a time machine.

I saw my parents so young and energetic; my youthful innocence was startlingly beautiful for me as I watched the images from years past. I was especially touched to see how affectionate my family was.

Here, I’m pretending my dog is a baby.

Still, there was a lot of “chatter” in my head. I decided I felt the same inside as I did when I was twenty-one. I started to think, “Where did the thirty years go since that time?”

That caused me to feel sad when I thought about how many years were stolen by grief.

Then, I decided that remembering Cheryl was an opportunity to find insight. I did.

I found appreciation that I am alive. Cheryl did not reach the age of fifty and my life is such a gift.

Every morning when I awaken, I look forward to my day because I think of those who are not as fortunate as I am.

This was taken at a Passover Seder. My brother, Howard, is oblivious as my parents kiss next to him.

Yesterday, I decided to share one of the “reel-to-reel,” conversion DVD’s with my mother. I had three of them and brought the one where my parents got married.

Miriam told me how much she enjoyed watching it with my mom. Miriam said, “Oh my god, now I see what a special family you have and why your mom is such an amazing woman. The love! There is so much love in those pictures!”

This morning I entered Connie’s guesthouse for our hypnotherapy session.

It felt like it had been an especially, taxing week. I spent a lot of time visiting my mother to lift my her spirits. I felt overwhelmed thinking about whether I could continue this pace over a long period of time.

After sorting through my feelings, I came back to the subject of pressure. I had been unable to motivate myself to work on my “book about grief.” Although I had written an introduction, I lost the desire to continue working on it.

There were many reasons; certainly my mother’s crisis had occupied my energy. However, there was more to it. I had a revelation, which I shared with Connie.

“I don’t want to write a book anymore about helping people overcome their grief. I would like to achieve that same result, but instead of writing about grief I want to write about my music and stories. Of course, there is an abundance of grief in many of my stories, but there are other elements, as well. That is where my passion lies!”

Connie suggested to me that following one’s passion is usually far more inspiring to people than anything else.

It was time for the hypnosis segment of our session. I quickly descended into a deep, hypnotic sleep. I felt my entire body tingling as I went to a very peaceful place. I realized there was a lot of emptiness inside due to the release of my two songs. I heard her voice, but didn’t listen to the words that traveled to my subconscious. Instead, I wondered what music I would search for to fill the emptiness. There was so much relief around where I was heading.

I felt free. None of my writing included my living children, and that was also liberating for me. When I first began the blog, so much was about my children. As I transformed, that all changed.

I could feel motivation coursing through me.

Before I left, I shared with Connie a few pages of my youthful, creative writing that I had found the prior night in my memorabilia boxes. I am including one story at the end of this post.

Lunch with my high school choir teacher, Frankie, and english teacher, Sharon.

After our session, I saw two of my high school teachers for lunch. It was truly wonderful to share my exuberance with both of them. My english teacher and music teacher sat across from me. Time definitely stood still as we all talked about life!

When I was in high school, I idolized my choir teacher, Frankie. At parties, I used to be so nervous playing my guitar in front of her!

After lunch, she sat in my car with me. Frankie used to sing in a professional choir. She had heard my recordings and told me she had some ideas that could improve my vocals. However, she was hesitant to “interfere” because I worked with Peaches. I reassured her that I was open to any kind of feedback.

I parked in a shady spot and savored the moment as I closed my eyes and followed her instructions while singing a few scales. I was no longer nervous around her!

Her suggestions on watching myself sing to a mirror and changing my vowel tones seemed extremely useful.

When I came home, I decided I could write again. It was time to move on from my melancholy and sadness.

ME A RAINDROP (Written when I was in 5^th grade)

Being a raindrop was a little uncomfortable but I still enjoyed it. That day I felt good in the moist cloud but later I noticed the cloud was beginning to swell up. I felt moist and I knew when the storm hit I would become a raindrop. But now despite the cold I was happy. For quite awhile there was no rain and I knew it would be good to be a raindrop again. I was thinking I heard a big boom from the cloud I was in. I felt the steam under me give way and I fell through the cloud. The steam which I was made of turned into a little wet raindrop. As I fell, I wondered where I’d land. I found out as I landed in a little puddle. The rain soon stopped and I noticed the ground under me was cracked so I knew I must be in the desert. The rainstorm was over and I felt myself evaporating but it was fun while it lasted.