Memories on vacation – we were carefree, tan, and happy.
The exhaustion of two days with four hours sleep per night began to seep into my body. I was drained, but I was relaxed. My recent outpouring of creative energy had even amazed me. I wasn’t dispensing any judgment; I just allowed for the creativity to happen.
I sang my songs until late at night, and then awoke hours later to write. Rest was brief, and refreshing – until another outpouring of creative expression overtook me.
When the need to write causes me to awaken, there has been no attempt to suppress it. I feel butterflies in my stomach and it starts to give me anxiety. I cannot ignore it, or go back to sleep. If I try to fight it, the pain only increases.
So, I simply get up, tiptoe downstairs to my computer, and write. Once I have finished expressing the feelings which are speaking to me loudly in my brain, I am able to go back to sleep.
This morning when I ate breakfast with my husband he said to me, “I used to come in the room at 9 p.m., and you would be asleep reading a magazine. (Sometimes the magazine was over my head where it fell!) What has happened to you?” He was practically scratching his head as he said this.
I had no answer for him. There is a large pile of unread magazines on my nightstand. I’ve decided I will probably never read them again.
In my exhausted state, I decided I would let music soothe me. I pulled out my beloved Lowden, steel-stringed guitar. My concert alone began. I made a few mistakes, laughed, and continued. My voice reverberated through my empty bathroom. I closed my eyes and let my lyrics soar.
I closed my eyes as I played my songs. I was in my own musical nirvana. Cheryl was with me as I played.
I had a moment of clarity when I stopped singing. I realized that I was working so intensely because I was in a hurry to fulfill my dream. I felt pressure that my elderly parents would desperately need me again. If that happened, I wouldn’t have the energy to write. I wanted to succeed by writing as much as possible before that happened. Just thinking about going back to that other life depressed me so much!
Then I remembered that I had started my blog in the middle of February. It had been only a little over two months and my volume of writing was astonishing.
It occurred to me that if my life could turn around in only two months, it was clearly a message. I could turn my life around quickly no matter what I might face again! I did it once, so I could do it again!
It dawned on me that I was different now. I would never have to go back to Zombieland! It had been that way for over twenty years. Those days were over. I could grieve and I could suffer, but now I know that hope of healing is possible.
Only three months ago, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and I felt no joy whatsoever in my life. I would never have believed this could have happened to me.
The wisdom of my own revelation allowed comfort to wash over my soul. I felt peaceful.
In the faintest distance, I heard Cheryl’s voice. She was repeating some of my own lyrics to me. She mentioned that the “cold indifference” was leaving my life. Those words were from my song, “Through my Music.”
She said to me, “Judy, your lyrics apply to your life at this moment in time. You say that you could search and search your whole life through, but you’d never find another you. That’s you, Judy. There’s no one like you in this world.”
Then she repeated a phrase from my song called, “Just a Tune.” She said, “I can feel love again. . .You are feeling, and love has returned to your life. I can see you love what you are doing!”
I opened my eyes and it was so quiet. It was time for me to write again.
I needed to go back to my Post called “Grief 101.” On that post, I listed all of the things that I have been grieving in my life. There was no mention there about Cheryl. I would add her to that list.
It became clear to me that my grief regarding our friendship has finally surfaced for me to explore. There was so much grief coming up and out of me!
The newfound energy is the release of that pain. I had no idea how much energy was required to hold all of that pain inside!
Clicking the blue link below will play audio of my song recorded after this post was written.
JUST A TUNE #2-1/5/14 Copyright 2014 by Judy Unger
Below are the lyrics to my original song written in 1979 for Cheryl:
JUST A TUNE – (Original Lyrics)
Original Song my Judy Unger, Copyright 2010
Just a tune to tell you
that you’ve been on my mind
don’t know how I lived without you
and it’s been such a short time
And you’ve shown me how to care
And what it means to be a friend
But with everything you’ve given me
I’ve learned how it feels to love again
I can feel love again
Just a tune to tell you, how much you’ve done for me
don’t know how I lived without you
If I could, I would give you everything
And you’ve always let me share
anything that’s ever on my mind
So now you know from my song,
you’re someone I never dreamed I’d find
Someone I never dreamed I’d find
All these things are simply more
Than anything I’ve ever known
So maybe now you can understand
How my love for you has grown
How my love for you has grown
Just a tune to tell you, that I can sing no more
don’t know how I lived without you
now I know what there is to live for
And you’ve shown me how to care
And what it means to be a friend
But with everything you’ve given me
I’ve learned how it feels to love again
I can feel love again
A page from my diary written when I was nineteen-years-old.
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
