Clicking the blue link below plays my arranged song, recorded after this was written:
Only Tears Home Recording 1-3-17
My bridesmaids with Cheryl at my bridal wedding shower.
8 p.m.
I kissed my mom goodnight, and headed back to my car. I couldn’t wait to get back to all the things I planned to do at home. However, when I climbed inside I saw my mom’s jacket was still on the passenger seat. I turned around and headed back to bring it to her. It was twilight, and the weather was beautiful.
Finally, I was in my car where I couldn’t wait to turn on my recorded, music tape.
I listened, and was relaxed driving home. I had managed to take my mother out to dinner, and she had enjoyed the outing so much. The entire day, I hadn’t felt any writing urges that would derail my progress of scanning and adding photos to old posts. I would come home and work a few more hours.
Today, I realized I had the same feeling I did when I finished writing about Jason. It was the feeling that my blog had a powerful first page, which was extremely meaningful.
The whole experience was such an “up and out,” that I felt calm and able to manage without sharing anything for a while. There was simply no point to follow it with something trivial.
I wanted the meaning about my friend Cheryl to be up there waiting for whoever looked at my blog’s first page.
Then the feeling started in my stomach. I could feel the butterflies. My tape began to play one of the special songs.
For two years, I had not cried a tear about her. Not once in two years.
How could I cry about someone I hadn’t seen except for a few times over the past ten years? Who was I to mourn her?
There was her mother, her brother, her husband, her children, and her relatives. Her newer friends and community adored her. The many lives that she touched were quite evident.
If I mourned her, it must be that I was mourning our carefree, college days – it wasn’t about her. I hadn’t been close to her for such a long time.
It didn’t matter at that moment in my car. It became an “up and out.”
The tears cascaded and the sobs were wrenching. The reality was there for me now; she was truly gone. She would never share in my success or in my joy at recovering from the years and years of trials and grief. Even though we hadn’t talked much, I knew how much she understood about what I’d been through. She had challenges with her children. As a social worker she was very sensitive to grief.
I was such a deficient friend! I didn’t come to see her before she died!
Now, I would never be able to share anything with her ever again!
The pain was overwhelming. All I could think of was, “Cheryl, when I play my songs someday for a lot of people I hope you can hear me.”
I heard her voice in my head and in my heart. Her answer was clear.
She was so happy for me; she told me she wasn’t really gone from my life. She had returned.
ONLY TEARS
Original Song by Judy Unger
Copyright, 2010
We were children; we grew up so fast
We were confused, the plans were so vast
With uncertain careers
I want to touch you
But I only feel tears
We were concerned; the future was scary
We were so close, soon I will marry
Childhood disappears. . .
I want to touch you, but I only feel tears
Oh, my friend, it won’t be long
Before this touch is a memory
One day we’ll be older; we’ll know where we are
And we’ll still feel this love, though our lives may be far
We were so crazy and I love you today
Will we stay friends?
For you might live away
Through the passage of years. . .
I want to touch you, but I only feel tears
Oh, my friend, it won’t be long
Before this touch is a memory
One day when we’re older; we’ll know where we are
We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far
When we are older; our stories are clear
I’ll feel you with me, although you’re not near
Our love perseveres
I want to touch you
and I only feel tears
With the passage of years
I want to touch you
and I only feel tears
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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