I’M FILLED WITH TOTAL SERENITY

Posted on February 7, 2011 by Judy

A picture of me back in those college days. I have a watercolor assignment behind me that consisted of strips of the beach. I was definitely a “beach nut.”

Last Tuesday when I went to my voice lesson, my cold had already begun. Peaches was not thrilled that I came to my lesson with a cold. I pulled my chair back far away from her. She said, “Would you also mind turning your face in that direction?”

I pray I did not get her sick. I realize now that my voice has vanished, but it is not my livelihood. The effect of something as simple as the common cold on someone who sings for a living did not escape me.

When I hear the croaking noise escape my lips, I wonder when I’ll actually be able to sing again!

I decided that having a cold was definitely a reminder to me that I am not super human. Lately, I’ve felt a little too powerful – I needed some appreciation. It was challenging waking up with nostrils so clogged that I felt like there was a vise on my sinuses. It wasn’t so exciting to face my day with that feeling.

I’m grinning because it was. I love my life and everything I’m doing. I wasn’t about to let a cold get me down!

I might not have been able to sing this weekend as I had planned, but I still strummed my guitar and thought about song possibilities.

I have very much enjoyed listening to my recordings, and have many ideas of improvements to all of them. This is not about my vocals. That is certainly something I will be doing. However, I understand a lot more now about arrangements and instrumentation. I have many ideas for my songs!

I hardly ever mention much about my former career, which was one as an illustrator. Writing about my art career has been another venture I’ve enjoyed very much.

My art blog is at: http://foodartist.wordpress.com/

Since I had more time this weekend, I decided to update my art blog. I decided I’d write about the experience of illustrating Beechnut baby food. For all of art blog posts, I utilize puns for the titles. I sent out a request to Sam, my ex-boyfriend from high school to help me come up with a better title. He was always very good with puns.

On Feb 6, 2011, Judy wrote:

Hi Sam,

I indulged myself to work on an art blog post – I wrote about my illustrations for Beechnut baby food. So, I’d love to hear what you might come up with for a title on this one.

The ones I’ve thought of so far are pretty lame. Here they are:

“This assignment was my baby.”

“I was jarred when I received this big project”

‘I was a nut for Beechnut”

Judy

I have a special group of friends whom I email regularly. I share all of my emails. Carol, my friend whom Sam helped reconnect me with after thirty years is part of my group. Carol and Sam were engaged a long time ago. Carol jumped in with her idea:

On Feb 6, 2011, Carol wrote:

“This assignment was easy to swallow?”

Oh Carol! I like that one! It’s better than my lame choices. However, it also could be geriatric – that fits into my life well!

It will be interesting to see what Sam comes up with!

Judy

Sam did get back to me after the Super Bowl.

On Feb 6, 2011, Sam wrote:

“Beseeched by Beechnut.”

“My days as a Beech Baby.”

“Beech Baby, Beech Baby, all done by hand.”

It was so hard for me to choose a title, that I had to come up with something completely different! (To find out, you’ll have to check out my art blog!)

When I first began writing my blog, I wrote a lot about my family life. I haven’t really had much time or inclination to do that for many months.

However, tonight I felt like I had to. I decided to approach this as a creative writing assignment – something fun!

I had a dog (Teddy), so I knew if was only fair for my kids to have one.

5:00 p.m.

“Crap!” I said to myself. I had five more scans left to finish on my post about baby food. However, my poor family was getting hungry, so I would have to finish later. I noticed the pile of tissues next to my computer was smaller than before – perhaps that nasty cold was retreating?

Of course, when I answered any of my children my voice came out raspy. This was definitely not my voice – I was inhabited by Rod Stewart!

My oldest son looked forlorn. He came into my room shirtless to inform me his fever was back. How could he have another cold? He was just sick a few weeks ago. This “bug” was definitely traveling through our house. I stopped what I was doing. I had to fill another pitcher of tea, and give him more medicine.

In between doing that, I called in the food order. It was decided that “The Habit” would fit the bill for our family dinner tonight. Since there was plenty of leftover chicken, I ordered only a salad for myself. I could manage with leftovers even if no one else could.

I was ready to disengage from my computer now because I realized I was getting hungry. I put on my iPod. Sweet music caused my soul to soar, and I was very happy to go pick up the food. I hadn’t been outside all day and needed to hear music.

Everything went so smoothly. I came home and started to take out all the bags. Everyone had something different. I took out my leftover chicken and stuck it on a plate. Then I noticed. My youngest son’s burger wasn’t there – it was left off the order.

I felt annoyance, but nothing phased me.

I called the restaurant. They told me to come back and they’d make it up to me by adding some french fries to the order. Although I was starving – I figured it wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t bother me to get back in my car, because I put the music back on and felt happy.

I ran into the Habit, smiled, and thanked the cashier for fixing my order. I was almost home when my cell phone rang. I knew it! My family was wondering where their food was.

My daughter said, “MOM! You left the food on the table and Killer had a great time eating everything!!”

I gasped. Life was definitely getting more challenging!

6:00 p.m.

I came into the house. I could see my husband was surveying the damage. It seemed that our Chihuahua, Killer, had only eaten my leftover chicken. Thankfully the other food was spared – however, my daughter still thought it was possible he had licked everything.

I gave the dog my despicable glare, knowing full well my husband had already forgiven him. It was all my fault!

Thankfully, there was more leftover chicken in the refrigerator for me. I felt relief. All was well!

Everyone sat down and started gobbling their food. Life was good again. I had already forgotten about the cat vomit I had cleaned up before dinner.

Then my husband said, “Hey, there’s an extra burger here. Whose it for?”

They look so innocent in this picture! How dare they add to my workload!

Our cat, Sky, is saying in this picture, “Please forgive me for messing up the carpet – don’t worry the dog will eat it!”

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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SHARING JOY AND MY HEARTACHE, TOO

Posted on February 5, 2011 by Judy

At the moment, I have a lot of creative energy expended in different directions all at the same time. For certain, I feel pressure to market something that I could sell, which would allow me to continue my creative pursuits.

At the same time, the need for writing therapy causes me to drop everything to update my blog.

In essence, I am crafting my book from the beginning, while at the same time I’m continuing to write the ending!

I wanted to respond to a beautiful message I received from my friend, Tauni, yesterday. Tauni is one of the moms in my “special moms group.” She has a child with autism, as do I. We also share a “grief connection.” Tauni’s sister was murdered, and she has suffered terribly with her grief. The fact that the date of her sister’s death was the same as Jason’s death was another one of those amazing coincidences.

I know a lot of my friends might be wondering the same thing that Tauni mentions.

On Feb 4, 2011, Tauni wrote:

Hi Judy,

I got a chance to listen to your song, Retreat. I agree that it is more contemporary, but still definitely sounds like a “Judy” song. I feel and hear your emotion when you sing. Each time I listen to one of your songs, it draws me right in. They are all so moving emotionally and so reflective of all you’ve been through. This one touched me, as almost all of your songs do…even though many of our life experiences are different (and then again, some of those “autism” ones are similar).

I also got caught up reading your blog, listening to your sessions with Peaches and viewing the accompanying pictures. As always, I enjoyed everything…although it feels strange to say that in a way when I read of such heart wrenching sharing sometimes.  You are so brave to reveal so much of yourself. Peaches sounds like a great voice coach…so positive and filled with good ideas and advice.

Do you think there might be a future written song (maybe???) that reflects some of the positive joy of where you are now (musically) and have been while rediscovering your music and singing? Something uplifting and joyous…???…when the time is right??? I’d love to hear the outcome of that…  (Just wondering…)

Love, Tauni

My friend, Tauni.

“My answer”

First of all, I am really touched whenever I am asked whether I will write a completely, new song. I ask myself that question, too, and the possibilities seem endless. The process of composing is truly a mystery for me.

I do think it will happen at some point, but I have no idea when. My energy has been extended in so many directions!

I see from the quality of my recordings, that my voice and working relationship with George has simply gotten better and better. I really like the sound of my most recent song, Retreat. I plan to go back to some of my older songs and record them now in a more contemporary, upbeat way. Of course, the expense means I really need to concentrate on selling something!

I am completely uncertain about whether there will be any “new” songs, as long as I still have a few possibilities from my old. song sheets.

I do not hear a new song calling out to me yet! However, just the other day I was humming a nice melody to some lyrics to one of those old songs. Instead of a song to a lover, it felt like it could become a song to my child.

I haven’t written a song like that yet – so it was a very interesting possibility for me. Because the song would require a lot of work, it would be very much like a new song.

I have been aware that there is a predominant theme of loss in my music. That thought led me to categorizing my songs.

I was glad to see that I do have a fair amount of songs that celebrate love and joy!

It was actually such a good exercise, that I created a “song by category” page for my blog.

This picture is of Jason with a neighbor when he was about four. He is frozen in time and she would be about 24 now.

This picture is of Jason with a neighbor when he was about four. He is frozen in time and she would be about 24 now.

“It was unimaginable”

While editing my blog a few months ago, I created a separate post about my son, Jason, which was about the early years before he died. I did that because my original story about Jason was too long for one post. It was:

JASON MEANT HEALER

At the end of that post was a story called “To have a heart.”

While I was in deep grief, I expended a lot of my energy wishing things were different. I wondered why Jason couldn’t have survived the surgery, which ultimately caused his death.

Mathew was a boy in a cardiac support group I used to attend many years ago. He had the same defect as Jason, which was “transposition of the great vessels.” Matthew also had even more severe abnormalities to his heart, as well.

His mother had no other children.

I stayed in touch with his mother, Helen. When she lived locally, she shared some of Matthew’s clothes when he’d outgrow them. Helen endured a difficult divorce. Eventually, she remarried and moved away.

Every year, I received a beautiful Christmas card from her. This year, she shared many wonderful things about her life. She was very involved in her church, where her husband was a Pastor.

Her words about Matthew were extremely touching. He was a strapping, 6’4” man now, and was the manager of Hippo Car Wash in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Over the summer he had gotten married, and he and his wife were expecting a baby.

I remember when Matthew was such an angry boy; he actually emptied all the clothes from his closet and trashed his room when he was four years old!

When I read Helen’s letter, I closed my eyes and allowed my emotions to wash over me.

I was always so worried about Helen losing Matthew; how wrong I was about the seriousness of his heart defect!

With my eyes still closed, I allowed myself “to wonder” what Jason might have been like if he had lived. As usual, I drew a blank – it was too unimaginable for me.

I hadn’t spoken to Helen in at least fifteen years; I decided to call her to let her know that her Christmas update was very touching. I congratulated her. She was gracious as she told me she certainly remembered me well. With honesty, she shared that she had not had time to read my blog. I understood.

After I got off the phone, I pondered what I would write. I was puzzled that I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be.

And then I realized that I no longer expended any energy wishing things were “different.”

That was an amazing revelation for me.

Matthew was a few years older than Jason – he was like a big brother to him.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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RETREAT – PART 1

Posted on February 3, 2011 by Judy

Link to Song Page with more about my song  RETREAT

“Escaping into solitude”

I believe this entire year was an escape into solitude for me. As soon as my mother was released from the hospital approximately one year ago, I embarked on an odyssey of self-discovery. Devoting myself to the therapy of writing and music has paid off for me with huge dividends; certainly none of it financial!

When I think about whether I can financially continue with this “luxury” of rediscovering myself, I get very anxious. The pressure causes me intense sadness, as I’ve loved every minute of my life this past year.

That was all despite the fact that during that time, I still had challenges with my daughter’s situation, my parents, as well as school district issues for my younger son.

I engage in a lot of “self talk” and positive thinking to help me deal with the pressure that sometimes overwhelms me. My creative expression continues to explode within me, and I am unable to consider stopping myself from singing, composing, or writing.

My original songsheet, which is different from what I recorded. I did use a lot of the chords and lyrics that are on it.

I almost killed our dog last night; I turned on the light and had to take this picture. He was peeking out from under one of my pillows. Sometimes I just “crash” into my bed in the dark. It wouldn’t have been good!

“And then you’d appear”

Over this past month, I worked on composing two songs simultaneously. Despite the on-going crisis with my mother, the need to create songs was definitely within me.

I began with Retreat, and let the song slowly unfold and improve. I remembered the chorus melody, and allowed for a new melody and chord progression for the verses. I eliminated many extra words, as I could not remember how I used to sing the verses.

When my other song, You Were There, enraptured me with it’s beauty, I went ahead and put Retreat aside.

I began recording Retreat a week ago and I was completely open to making it sound a little more contemporary. I was curious whether George would prefer my original lyric line or my more “inspirational” lyric change. Originally I had sung, “At those times I’d wish you were there, but you never were.” I had changed it to: “At those times I’d wish you were there, and then you’d appear.”

Peaches liked my original lyric line. Because I wasn’t sure who was actually appearing for me, I was tempted to go back to it. George chose my newer, more upbeat line.

Today when George and I finished the song, I had a cold. I closed my eyes and was transported as he added numerous instruments. This song ended up with the most complex of all my arrangements; I loved every part of the process!

I have wondered if this song would be my last recording of my “youthful songs.” Was there any significance to that for me?

The puzzle of who was appearing to me as I sang “Retreat” was interesting. I have stated before that although I am a very spiritual person, I consider myself an agnostic.

I was very moved to hear that Sara, the 98-year-old woman who lived across the hall from my mother, considered herself one. Obviously she had lived a long life and had not changed her opinion. I found that very helpful for me.

I decided that like many of my songs, there was a prophetic feeling within that lyric line of “and then you’d appear.” I decided that Retreat was recorded after You Were There for a reason.

It would be my mother who would appear, and this would be later on in my life once she was physically gone.

For certain, reaching the end of my youthful, song compositions has been very poignant. I have been studying the four, remaining song sheets that I still have, but I am not sure if the chords or lyrics are worth “reinventing” and recording.

I do have two, classical compositions entitled “Rainfall” and “Waterfalls.” Remembering the fingerings and chords have stymied me, although I know I could replicate those pieces with hard work. Certainly, I become very motivated to painstakingly rediscover them when I imagine how nice they would sound with one of George’s arrangements!

There has been a “lull” in my mother’s situation. I am very ambitious now with improving my singing and beginning to craft a book from this blog.

I have begun working on an outline for this book. It would be based on the rediscovery of my songs. Many stories from my blog would be a part of my book, and I would exclude most everything about my living children.

I’m sure I’ll continue updating the blog whenever I feel the urge, although it’s hard for me to know. There are only so many hours in the day, and I am already utilizing as many as I physically can!

My compensation for singing and playing an hour at Border’s is any drink I desire. I always bring home a chocolate smoothie for my kids. (However, I indulge in a sip or two!)

PEACHES LESSON 1-25-11

PEACHES LESSON 2-1-11

Above, are “voice lesson clips” with my vocal coach, Peaches Chrenko. On the first clip, Peaches helped me with my phrasing on my song Retreat. In the beginning, I had hyperventilated after one of our exercises. When that happens, she has me put my hands up in the air to prevent me from passing out! On the second clip, I was able to share with her my pleasure of having a connection with my audience at Border’s this past Sunday. That has been a rare occurrence for me.

The last clip is where Peaches and I worked on vocals that I will soon be recording with my childhood friend, Steve. A lot of the current songs on the music page of my blog may soon be replaced! I also have included more “youthful” pictures of myself, especially a few that remind me of my song, Retreat.

RETREAT

Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger

 

retreat is where I go

when I am sad

all my tears let me know

I long for you and miss you so

retreat is my escape from the world

I withdraw, and suddenly

I feel you surround me

–

at those times

I’d wish you were near

and then you’d appear

but you were only in my mind

only in my mind

you were only in my mind

 

retreat is when a song soothes my soul

a melody fills my heart

reminding me we’re not apart

retreat is where I find peacefulness

my music has begun

to be my true companion

–

at those times

I’d wish you were near

and then you’d appear

but you were only in my mind

only in my mind

you were only in my mind

only in my mind

A favorite picture of myself when I was young.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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I PICKED YOU UP WHEN YOU FELL DOWN

Posted on February 2, 2011 by Judy

My mom was exhausted from sitting in her wheelchair all morning. She needed the bathroom, but had to use her diaper since it was far too difficult to take her to the bathroom in the medical building.

I had just shared some fantastic news with my mom’s caregiver, Miriam. Her eyes were dancing with joy as she squeezed my hand.

I thought it might be best to let my mom sleep while waiting for the transport team to take her from the medical office back to her nursing facility. It had been a long morning for her, as she waited well over an hour to see the doctor who would deliver a “second opinion.” My expectations of anything uplifting from this appointment were very low. We were seeing a surgeon, so I simply assumed I’d get another recommendation that my mother needed surgery.

I kissed my mom goodbye, and exited the building into the sunshine. As I walked to my car, I had a sensation of my feet leaving the ground; I felt like I could fly! When I was a young girl, I used to feel like I could fly in my dreams. I listened to my music and my heart felt as if it might burst.

I noticed there was a Subway near my car, so I stopped and purchased some chicken soup. I went back to where my mom was and gave the soup to Miriam. My mom might be too tired to make it to the lunchroom when she’d return.

As I drove home I savored the feeling. Life was good – so very good at that moment!

My mom is showing me off to her sister in this still.

When I performed my new song, You Were There, on 1/24/11 my voice broke when I sang the words, “I picked you up when you fell down.”

LIST OF WHAT I WAS TOLD WHEN MY MOM FELL AND FRACTURED HER HIP:

1. Without surgery she would be in extreme pain.

2. Her mortality rate was extremely high; She was already on the schedule to have surgery the morning before New Year’s Eve; the doctor told me he would not be available again for three days. Without surgery, there was a chance she’d die over the weekend. She became a candidate for hospice.

3. My mother would never be allowed any kind of physical therapy involving walking.

4. My mother would never walk again.

5. Only one patient had refused to have surgery with this surgeon in seven years, that patient soon died.

6. Without surgery, my mother would not have a quality of life – she would be immobile.

7. The fact that my mom was on a respirator for seven weeks following surgery a year ago did not put her at risk for hip surgery.

Email message sent out today:

I just got back from an appt. with my mom regarding her hip fracture. This was a second opinion with an orthopedic surgeon.

This doctor said that the ball of her hip, although fractured is somewhat “impacted.” In five years of seeing hundreds of patients, he’s only had three patients with this condition who opted not to have surgery. He said that with a fracture like this, 2/3 of the time it can actually heal without surgery.

Since my mom was not in extreme pain and could lift her leg up while sitting in her wheelchair, he felt she was well on her way to healing. He said it takes about six weeks; then she could begin therapy. She will be allowed to walk!

This doctor wondered why she was put on hospice, since she looked good to him. He ordered another x-ray to be done in three weeks, and at my suggestion will not have my mom transported to him unless something has changed. She was exhausted from the appointment.

Although my mom’s dementia has been more increased lately, she was quite aware of the impact of this appt. She said she’d be a “good girl” and not do anything risky for the next few weeks. She’s excited about having therapy.

I am elated.

Judy

This is how I truly feel.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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