myjourneysinsight

YOUR HAND WAS THE ONE HOLDING MINE

Posted on March 24, 2013 by Judy

This photo of my son, Jason after his first open-heart surgery reminds me how it is possible to laugh and smile despite difficult circumstances.

Memories I treasure, being outdoors when I was in my twenties.

It was a Saturday. I drove to see my mother at her nursing home for our weekly lunch outing. As I sat trying to hold it together, my mother continuously beamed at me. Her dementia did not allow her to converse anymore, but I could still feel her love. I tried hard not to appear distraught.

It was after I dropped my mother back at her nursing home that I received the phone call.

It was so beautiful and amazing that it left me breathless.

I believe God definitely sent me a message to help me.

–

While looking for pictures of an old friend to add to my story, I found more beautiful pictures of Jason to share on my blog.

I wrote my story with flashbacks interspersed. They are in purple italics.

“Judy, it’s Jeanne! Do you remember me?”

My heart skipped a beat as I yelled, “Are you kidding? Of course! I would never forget you!”

It was three days after Jason’s funeral. I was numb and in a fog. But Jeanne and her husband Josh were at the door. They had come over to make breakfast and I was so grateful to see them. I was filled with desperation. There was no one else who understood my desolation – no one. It was because Jeanne had experienced a stillbirth many years before; to me, she was an expert about grief. Her explanations comforted me and I could never get enough. But it always led to the same place. I needed to know when the agony would subside. Sadly, it had only just begun.

Jeanne was crying as she said, “Judy, I was thinking of you and looked you up on the Internet. I have been reading your blog. Oh my God, you had me crying and laughing! I saw Jason’s pictures, heard your music and caught up on your life. You are such an incredible person and a gifted writer. I am so excited about where you are going with your life. I couldn’t wait to call you!”

Then that explained the 200 views I had on my blog one day last week. I knew someone was reading a lot of pages and I had a premonition about it. I often wondered about certain people from my past and hoped to hear from them someday. Jeanne was definitely one of them.

Jeanne explained why she had looked me up. It was because of her anniversary of the heart for Jillian. Her beloved little girl would have been 25 years old had she lived. She said, “There’s no one I can share that day with anymore. My ex was the only one and that’s over. But then I thought of you; I went on the Internet to look you up.”

I told Jeanne I had a calendar with events marked on it. Her daughter’s anniversary of the heart was there and whenever I saw it, I always remembered Jeanne and what she taught me about grief through Jillian’s death. I would never forget how much she helped me during my horrible grief.

I wailed to Jeanne – I couldn’t smell Jason anymore. I was forgetting him! Jeanne was patient and gentle when she said she had felt the same way. She said that the fear of forgetting was very real. I cried and cried to her.

Jillian had died on the day she was born. I remember Jeanne breaking my heart when she shared how Josh carried his tiny dead infant daughter throughout the hospital so he could show everyone how perfect and beautiful she was.

I wasn’t feeling better. I wished I were dead. The only time I felt better was when I was with other people suffering the same way. I went to support groups several times a week; I searched high and low for them. Some support groups weren’t specifically about losing a child and weren’t as helpful for me. But it was better than nothing.

I wanted Jeanne to tell me about the group that helped her so much after her loss. I begged her, but she kept hesitating. After constantly badgering her, she finally told me why. She said, “Judy, I don’t want you to go this group. I’m concerned that you might say that your loss is greater because your child lived five years. This group is for infant loss, and there are people there suffering through miscarriages. If you say your loss is greater that would be very hurtful for them.”

I always remembered her words. I have written a lot about grief and about grief comparisons. It breaks my heart recalling how Jeanne and Josh were there for us, while constantly hearing from my family, friends and even from me how their loss was not comparable to mine. I totally readjusted my thinking after I healed from my grief. I do not believe in comparing grief anymore.

Both of us continued babbling. Jeanne’s tone was firm when she mentioned that she wanted to talk to me about my singing. She reminded me that I had performed at her wedding. I’d forgotten! It was the one and only time I had ever done something like that. She gushed to me about how much she loved my voice. My presence and the song I played at her wedding was something unforgettable to her. It was such a unique and beautiful song, but I no longer remembered how to play it. I wasn’t sure when to mention to her that I knew about her divorce because I had run into Josh.

I loved playing 70’s songs. Judy Collins had a sensitive, sweet song named “Since You’ve Asked.” I was extremely honored to play it for my friends’ wedding. The wedding was held outdoors and it was a warm day. There were orchards and sweet blossoms that intoxicated me as I gently fingerpicked my song and sang from my heart. It was a beautiful moment; singing next to my good friends with their eyes locked in love.

We talked about what had happened to our mutual friends. I had met Jeanne and her husband Josh at a workshop called “Making Marriage Work.” Just writing those words gave me a pang in my heart. Perhaps the class did work somewhat, as I had stayed married for many years through tribulations that most couples broke apart from. And the class did not work for Josh and Jeanne either.

Six years ago, I was shopping at the market when I heard a voice behind me. I was stunned; it was my friend Josh whom I hadn’t seen in seven years. I couldn’t believe it. He had gone through gastric bypass surgery and lost over 100 pounds; I hardly recognized him. He told me that he had gotten divorced and lived in the area. I took his business card and a week later I invited him to dinner at our house. My husband and I caught up with him over that dinner. I felt very sad when he talked about Jeanne. I realized that I was hearing only one side of the story. As he spoke about the deterioration of their relationship, most of his words flew over my head because it sounded so painful.

I tried to remember why my husband and I had lost touch with Josh and Jeanne. We had been close friends for about 20 years. At first, I thought it had to do with the problems I faced with my living children. For at least a decade, I was so encompassed with their challenges that there was little time left in my life for friendship. Then I remembered that they moved to another state and that truly was the reason. But they did end up moving back and I last saw them at my fortieth birthday party, which was a surprise for me.

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Jeanne and I continued talking for a long time, until it was time for both of us to hang up. As I said goodbye, I hoped I would get to see her again soon and catch up more.

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This was from a camping trip. My husband and I stayed close for many years with five couples from a workshop we attended called “Making Marriage Work.”

This is Jeanne on a camping trip. My husband and I stayed close for many years with five couples from a class we attended called “Making Marriage Work.”

It turns out that this picture I have with Jeanne was the last time I saw her.
This was taken at my fortieth birthday party, which was 13 years ago.

Tagged Cataracts when in fifties, child's death, compassionate friends, crystalline lens capsule, divorce after a long marriage, eyesight and aging, Friendship, friendship and grief, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, infant loss, inspiration, laser capsulotomy, loss, marraige and friendship, memories of friendship, mother daughter relationship, reconnecting, reconnecting with an old friend, separation, stillbirth | 7 Comments

IT’S NO SECRET ANYMORE

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Judy

These are my lyrics for “The Door” in progress. These are lyrics that I didn’t use.

These are lyrics for my song “The Door” in progress. My final lyrics were slightly different.–

I share here a brief recent audio clip from my voice lesson last week with Kimberly Haynes:

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LESSON KIMBERLY 3/17/13 BLOG EXCERPT–

I had planned to release my first audio book early this year, but now I’ve decided to record new vocals for the songs that accompany my book’s stories. Much of my current writing and new songs are material for a second audio book that I plan to create.

For such a long time, my children and husband were skeptical and annoyed with my confidence about the new direction in my life. I stopped sharing anything about it with them and kept everything to myself. The joy that came from my music and writing was tempered by the fact that my family saw no monetary value in it.

Although my income as an illustrator had considerably shrunk from what it was a decade earlier, I still had a steady revenue from my stock illustrations. I always held out faith that there would be a custom assignment; occasionally they came along to fuel my faith just when my self-esteem was at a low point.

Once again, this happened for me! It might be awhile before I post again because I received a large project this week. I will be painting many fruit illustrations that will be used on yogurt labels for a national brand.

–

A quick photo taken with my cell phone, I sit in that chair and sing vocals for my songs.

“I go to places that heal me”

I could not have passionately pursued my love for writing and music without separating from my husband. There are arranging and recording costs that I now bear – and gladly. Although my soon-to-be ex thought he was supportive, I felt uncomfortable continuing to spend our money on something he felt was a drain. It was as if I was keeping a secret from him. Initially, I didn’t feel that way. But one day I woke up to the fact that I was only able to truly express myself through my song lyrics. The sadness of that overwhelmed me. People who read my blog and heard my songs understood me better than my own family!

With my separation, I heard this line from my husband of: “You probably need to go out and get a job.” Initially I thought that might be true, especially since I wouldn’t have health insurance.

But life is all about choices. Certainly, when I went to buy my first car in 20 years – I didn’t splurge on a sports car! (I leased a Honda Civic, which I am enjoying). I’ve chosen a frugal lifestyle in order to pursue my passions. With my father’s death, living in the coop where I grew up was a wonderful opportunity for me. I am also thankful to have both of my brothers supporting me in this decision; they have really been there for me. I plan to pay them for their interest in the coop once my former home sells and I receive money from it.

I see great value in what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I am unapologetic. I believe I am the richest woman in the world!

There is a wonderful line in my song “The Unknown.” It is: “I go to places that heal me.” That is what my life is about; I heal myself and hope to heal other people, too.

Below are some words I wrote two months ago. With my divorce agreement pending, it was not in my best interest to talk about how devoted I am to my music.

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Prior to rediscovering my love for music and writing at the age of fifty, my career was one as a commercial artist. Throughout the time I was an illustrator, my children were my highest priority.

My firstborn child, Jason died at the age of five. Because he had a congenital heart defect, I needed to by very involved with his care. I was fortunate I worked at home and was able to be alert to his needs.

For many years, I also advocated for my three living children in order to obtain whatever services they needed in school. When I began my blog, I wrote a lot about them and what being an advocate entailed. My motive was to help others who were also struggling with similar issues. I also wrote to release trauma I carried due to many tough situations involving my children.

Six months after writing about those experiences, I deleted most everything that related to my family. In the beginning, they gave me permission to write and share things about them. But many things changed after I suddenly “woke up” and was not the same person I was before I found my joy.

My family did not want anything to change, especially the doting mother that I was before.

When I started writing my blog and singing again I never imagined that I’d find something completely separate from my children to write about!

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I was illustrating fruit when I was seven.

My professional fruit illustrations–

I might never have discovered my love for writing and music if my career as an illustrator had continued to keep me busy. When I was receiving a lot of work, I managed to juggle all the things I dealt with related to my children, parents and household responsibilities.

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But gradually my workload diminished and custom assignments were rare.

Many of the people whom I worked with in that industry were also left without jobs – art directors, designers and agents; there were so many people who needed to reinvent their careers. I bemoaned how computers decimated artistry and eliminated so much of the human creative process. I complained how digital paintings were nothing compared to my original watercolor paintings. But then I completely readjusted my thinking!

–

A close-up of one of my watercolor paintings.
I love the fuzz on the stem, which I created with colored pencil.

Music, writing and art combined with my computer have made my world richer than any palace on earth!

I believe that this time period was the perfect one for me to be born into. The computer has allowed me to create things that I never believed were possible. I love how I can type fast and furiously to capture the words I hear in my mind.

But I do not use my computer for composing my songs. They are done with a pen and paper and my beloved acoustic guitar. Writing song lyrics is a process that I find quite mysterious. I do not choose to write them. I hear a song and when I sing, the words are there.

I have composed and recorded unique guitar arrangements for many of my songs. I transfer my recordings to a computer where I can edit them. Then with the help of my arranger, George, instrumentation is added until my song becomes a magical symphony. The process of editing vocals was something I taught myself. I compile a vocal line using the best parts of numerous takes.

Creating unique images for my blog also gives me the opportunity to utilize my artistic abilities on the computer. I’m adept at Photoshop and love using my own artwork and photographs.

Overall, the computer has made writing, music and illustrating fantastic for me. I believe there are no limits to what I can do creatively. And there is one simple reason for it.

It is because I have given myself permission.

At the age of 53, I’ve decided this time is my renaissance. I embrace it and I love it!

My statement of giving myself permission to allow for creativity is a huge one. On so many levels, it is about believing in myself.

I really do feel that I have a lot to offer the world. Allowing myself full creative expression after decades of stuffing everything inside, has allowed me to heal. The musical of my life is exploding from my heart and I cannot hold it back anymore.

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Plus, I’ve decided that this is my life and the way I want to live it. Even without a “real job,” I am determined to find ways to continue my renaissance. I have dedicated my life to creating music, songs and stories, which I hope will inspire and heal many people.

–

A Recent update:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have a few things I can share – a lot has been going on for me! First of all, my children are doing well. They are adjusting and I am proud of all three of them.

For two months, I have had some continuing eye issues. I followed my good friend, Dr. Sam’s suggestion and saw a retinal specialist outside of my HMO for another opinion. It turns out that the fogginess in my left (and right eye, too) is a separate issue from my floater episode. There is a remaining edge to a cataract, which sometimes intrudes and is cloudy – a simple laser procedure can eliminate the cloudiness and solve my problem.

The procedure is scheduled in two weeks. I am trying hard to find out if it could happen sooner.

My divorce is proceeding. There are many issues left regarding back support and money related to our homes that our lawyers are working on resolving. But child and spousal support has begun for me! The agreement was signed at the end of February.

Our home went on the market a week ago. It sold for well over the list price – we had 8 offers! The housing market is definitely cooking. Escrow opens on Monday and our broker said it would take 17 days to be sure if our sale will go through or not. So I am crossing my fingers. My husband and oldest son do not yet know where they are moving.

My mother continues to hang in there. She cannot communicate much – but she still recognizes family and she can say, “I love you.” I go out with her to lunch in a restaurant two times a week. Miriam (my mom’s companion) dotes on her and my mom adores her.

I am living in a small coop/apartment with two of my children in North Hollywood. I have been devoting myself to my music. I found a wonderful recording studio near my apartment where I am recording vocals for the music CD that will accompany my book. The musician helping me is named Darrin, he is extremely talented and his parents have become wonderful new friends of mine.

But my music must pause briefly because I was awarded a large illustration assignment this week. It will keep me very busy for a while. Things are definitely looking up for me!

Love, Judy

–

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.” I have not yet publicly shared two of my songs. I plan to share my song “The Door” very soon.

–

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, digital illustration, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, floral painting, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing and grief, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, watercolor painting, watercolors, writing | 6 Comments

FINDING MY VOICE – PART 2

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Judy

I have created images for all of my song stories. I am sharing some of my cover images still in development. This one is for my story “One Day She Began To Play.”

“Setting Myself Free”

Currently, it has been discouraging for me. I have not seen any improvement with the fogginess in my left eye and it even seems to have worsened. A little over a month ago, I had an episode where a large floater formed when the gel in my eye separated from the back of my eye wall. I was told it was a common occurrence. Three ophthalmologists told me that my vision would eventually improve and that the blurriness was due to retinal blood that would be absorbed over time. Fortunately, I did not have a retinal detachment.

At the end of this week, I am getting yet another opinion with a doctor outside my HMO, this time at my own expense. I am doing this due to the suggestion of my good friend, Dr. Sam, whom I reconnected with when I first began writing my blog.

I cannot write about many of the things that are going on in my life. With my divorce still pending, it would be inappropriate to share much. I can say that the lawyers have been negotiating; our home went on sale four days ago and it looks like it will sell quickly.

I have missed writing my true feelings. I long to express so much and the words tear at me. It has been easier for me to live within my song lyrics and music. When I am overwhelmed, singing allows me to heal.

–

I did not sing at all for over thirty years. When my journey began in 2010, I took lessons at a public park with Peaches Chrenko. We worked together for over two years until Peaches moved away in August of 2012, shortly before I separated from my husband.

After I moved out, I longed to sing again. I remember I heard a wonderful woman sing at a friend’s event. I wrote her name down. At the end of 2012, I looked her up with the intention of taking voice lessons again. This was during a time when my financial situation was tenuous, but I knew it was temporary. My new life was about healing myself and trusting my instincts.

The voice lessons with my new teacher, Kimberly Haynes, brought joy back into my life.

Almost immediately, I noticed that I had a new awareness whenever I sang. I became an “instrument” every time I opened my mouth. I celebrated my progress and marveled at how much better my songs sounded.

As a result of my glorious improvement, I decided I would record new vocals for 17 songs on the music CD that will accompany my audiobook. This was such a difficult decision for me to make. It will involve hundreds of hours and delay the release of my book by approximately six months.

Even though I am anxious to share my book and music, I feel strongly that my new voice is far more important for my story than anything else. My journey has always been about following my heart, and my heart has told me that I will have a far greater impact with my new voice.

It is not about technique either; it’s about truly expressing myself.

–

For me, singing has always been about sharing my emotion with my lyrics.

I never liked my voice when I was younger. After not singing for decades, over the last three years I have continued to remain very insecure about my singing ability. Whenever I have tried to sing more forcefully, I hear tightness and have pitch issues. I learned to counter this by singing soft and breathy.

The most amazing part is how much my music and my life are intertwined!

Last week I began arranging one of my favorite older songs entitled “How We Don’t Care.” My song is all about poor communication and not expressing true feelings. I wrote my song when I was 19 years old and dealing with a painful friendship at the time. But “How We Don’t Care” is how I operated for decades in my marriage.

For most of my life, I have suppressed most of my feelings. From the time I was young, I never felt safe expressing anger and preferred instead to shove it away deep inside. Also, since ending my marriage I have been numb with guilt.

My inner voice encouraged me to sing because singing is actually a perfect metaphor for freeing myself.

I could not achieve the vocal results I wanted because I was afraid to sing loudly. It felt risky for me and I did not like to hear what I perceived as a harsh tone. It led to breathiness overall – I believed that it was prettier. The irony was that when I was younger (prior to marriage), I sang loudly without fear!

The suppression of my singing came from erroneous beliefs. The muscles to create that breathy tone completely blocked my singing mechanism. There was more than one way to sing, and I didn’t need to only sing softly. This was definitely a parallel to how I often never spoke my true feelings. I softened them by laughing, but I seethed inside. I felt hatred during my marriage and was often angry.

I hid it from everyone, including myself.

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I never even discussed with my husband why I wanted a divorce. Even after counseling, our habit was to avoid any kind of conflict. Our divorce was ultimately the first and final conflict.

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My present situation is beyond awkward. He is very angry, but doesn’t show it. This certainly has come to me with clear messages delivered by our children.

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Sadly, I thought I deserved it. I was the instigator. I felt like I had destroyed the very family I devoted myself to for decades.

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I’ve decided that I have suffered enough. It is time for me to move forward. Finding my voice and freeing it is a step in that direction.

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A picture when I graduated from college.

A picture from when I graduated college.

Below are lesson excerpts from my recent lessons with Kimberly Hanes, whom I find completely inspirational. Click the blue link to play audio:

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LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT A

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LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT B

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LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT C–

Kimberly has been very clear that my voice is something I need “to own.” She encourages me to have faith about where I am going and what I am doing. In order to open up my voice, I need to stop inhibiting myself and just “allow it to fly.”

She has been very concerned about how much I am influenced by other people’s input.

Two weeks ago, Kimberly was sick with bronchitis and cancelled our lesson. She cancelled again last week, with a message that she was not quite well enough to teach yet.

The day before our cancelled lesson, I sent her a message. I told her that if she was well enough, I would love to still come and hang out with her – she could just listen to my latest recordings and give me input instead of our regular lesson. I did not expect her to sing for me and wasn’t worried about catching anything.

I missed our lessons and was becoming frustrated. Over the past weeks, I could tell I had regressed. Old habits and patterns seemed so difficult for me to discard.

I was grateful when Kimberly said she would see me.

Our lesson put me back on track and lifted me right up. Although Kimberly was not up to par, it was so great to be with her. Even with bronchitis, she was the true professional and continued to guide me through several songs. We spent a lot of time on my song “Set You Free.”

There was one part in my song that required singing the words “set you free” in my high register. I struggled with it over and over.

But at the end of our lesson something clicked for me. It was a tiny incremental adjustment, a feeling that was difficult to describe. I came home and began singing. I could hear the difference. It was easy to make this change and was something I had been afraid to do. But I wasn’t afraid of it anymore.

I understood now. I was going to allow myself to use my vocal cords and to sing with my true voice. I didn’t need to sing breathy anymore.

I had spent hundreds and hundreds of hours editing songs for many months. It turned out that my artistic skill now translated into amazing musical editing skills. I could achieve much of what I wanted for my songs without concentrating on truly singing.

But it turned out that singing was exactly what I needed to do now. The editing would assist me, for sure. None of my learning was wasted and I decided to look at everything leading up to this as part of my journey.

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“Libra vs. Libra”

Two weeks ago, I allowed one of my song instrumentals to be used on an astrological website in Finland. I wrote a brief story to go with the page “Libra vs. Libra.”

I hadn’t touched base with friends and family in awhile, so this was a great opportunity to share a link with them:

http://astrolitarian.com/libra-woman-libra-man/

I was thrilled when I heard back from my former voice teacher, Peaches. She congratulated me and told me she thought of me often. I wrote her back with the following update:

Oh Peaches, it was great to hear from you! I always think of you and miss you terribly. How are you doing? I would love to catch up.

I have written two new songs since you moved and they are very touching for me. One is “Angel In the Sky” and the other one is called “Music Saved Me.” You are with me in all of my songs; I learned so much from you!

Because I was so forlorn, I started taking voice lessons again. My new teacher’s name is Kimberly Haynes.

Finally, I realize that I need to be open to concentrating on vocal technique. (I still talk too much during lessons). The other part is practicing. (Like Steve Martin, I want results without exercising). I wish I could say that I could sing freely in my new apartment, but I can’t. My two teenagers hate it. So I go out and practice in my car.

With my sadness, I sing a lot and I’ve improved as a result. I am attaching one my new songs; it’s about music saving me. Music is like god for me!

I moved out in October. The divorce part isn’t easy, but I’ve adjusted. The hardest part of my life right now is my eyesight. I had three cataract surgeries (an additional surgery due to a complication) and then a month ago I had another problem. I have one eye that is completely blurry and that has left me in a deep depression.

I’ve decided to wait on emerging from the curtain. I’m going to redo all my song vocals one more time after thousands of hours editing them. I’ve improved tremendously and feel much more connected with my songs now, too.

Music is definitely saving me! I miss you,

Love, Judy

–

The night I decided to write this post, I found this old fortune cookie wrapper in my jacket pocket. It was definitely a sign for me since I planned to write about discovering patience in my life.

THE PRINCESS AND THE RAINBOW IN HER HEART

The princess was determined, but she was getting tired. She surveyed the burnt landscape in the distance. Ahead of her were miles to go, but with intense focus she placed one foot in front of the other. Her older children walked alongside of her. She noticed that she did not hold their hands anymore.

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The new landscape was peaceful, but her journey had been exhausting. When she began her travels, she had been filled with excitement. Now she was calm, but joyless. She understood why she wasn’t dancing; eventually she hoped she’d reach an uplifting destination.

Even though her journey took her through a drab landscape, she felt inspired by the beautiful music that accompanied her.

She felt strong, despite her fatigue. What buoyed her the most was singing. When she sang, music poured over her soul and washed away every ounce of pain. Each melody and musical note caressed her wounds. Her gratefulness for this magical elixir was endless. It was her special gift.

Whenever she felt lonely, she shared it. It helped her when she was able to touch and heal other sad people. At the same time, it gave her clarity about her journey and her beautiful destination.

The farther away she was from the dragon, the more confused she became. She was still worried about him and knew that he was burning himself up in the smoky castle. He needed to leave and she needed her belongings. She wanted what she rightfully hers after so many years with him. There was no escaping him because he was also connected to their children.

She disliked the dragon, but adored their children. For such a long time, she had devoted herself to her family. But the dragon was miserable and unhappy with his life. The dragon did not have a clue how to change anything, and was not even aware of the wicked spell that had caused him to change from a prince into a dragon. The princess felt that he blamed her for his unhappiness.

But when she discovered her own happiness, she decided to escape. She still worried about the dragon, but she knew she needed to save herself; otherwise they both would perish. Her courage came to her through her own song lyrics.

She felt smoke pouring out of her soul as she escaped.

Just as she anticipated, she could hear the dragon roaring in pain in the distance. His screams were silent, but reverberated deeply in her heart. His hatred for her was sharper than any sword and pierced deeply into her heart.

She understood his hatred; she had betrayed his trust. She disliked the dragon, but she did not allow herself to feel hatred. Thinking how their love had changed was too painful. She was confused and numb.

Onward she trudged forward; she was certain her destination was growing closer. Her determination grew even fiercer and she neglected herself. She had stopped looking at the horizon or at her surroundings. It was then when she realized that it was difficult for her to see where she was going.

It was not nightfall, but an impenetrable fog had surrounded her. She tried to be calm and discover what had happened.

It turned out her vision had changed.

With every ounce of her being she tried to accept it and stay positive. The worst part was that she could no longer see where she was going. Sad questions swirled within her. How could she be afflicted with this burden when she was already coping with a great deal? The unfairness sometimes overwhelmed her, but she did not want to allow for self-pity.

She decided that she would continue her journey despite the fog. Onward and onward she plodded, but she realized she was lost now. Without music she would have fallen into dark holes in the landscape ahead of her. Her music swirled around her and glowed so she was safe.

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She began to run into things and stumble. Her frustration grew deeper and she realized she could not continue. The fog had become too much to bear; everything was out of focus and it hurt to even open her eyes. She sobbed as she collapsed near the edge of a dark hole. The music stopped and there was only silence.

Where was her inner voice? She knew that she had ignored everything in order to move forward; perhaps her inner voice had left her also. As she lay on the ground, she begged her inner voice for help.

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Tears coursed down her cheeks when she finally received an answer. Her inner voice told her there was only one word that would help her now. She listened carefully.

The word echoed deeply throughout her mind. It was “patience.”

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Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

It was interesting for her when she looked up the definition. She studied it in order to understand what was required of her. There was no question that she often struggled with angry and upset feelings. They were taboo for her.

The part about accepting her eyesight problem and delaying releasing her audio-book were also huge.

She had changed her focus from enjoying her journey toward searching for a destination. What had happened to the joy? That was most definitely her message and the reason she had the courage to change her life.

She realized there truly was no destination in her life until she died.

It turned out that her destination was all about rushing to prove her worth to others.

Although she was anxious to help other people, that could continue. She knew she was still the richest princess in the world; whether or not anyone else knew it was not important.

She rested and allowed for more and more music. Even though her world was gray, she traveled inside her heart. She closed her eyes and discovered that within her heart was a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors that she missed so much. Whenever she sang, colors beamed from her body and light surrounded her.

The days marched onward. She continued singing and it eased everything painful in her life as all sorrow flowed out from her heart. Her emotional melodies transcended everything she had ever done before.

It truly was all about patience.

She was forced to stop plodding in order to find the rainbow in her heart. Her vision would return when it was time. She was filled with acceptance as she lifted her eyes into the sky and thanked her inner voice.

Her inner voice gently replied:

“Your journey has taken you to this place now. It is important that you rest and find comfort with your rainbow inside. Your gift was always there. You are finally understanding it and expressing it. Although you are eager to share yourself with the world, your voice is a gift to help you through the darkness.

Allow your heart to heal because you are going to connect with a million souls when you are ready.”

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged Astrolitarian, divorce, divorce and separation, expressing feelings, finding my voice, gray divorce, inner voice, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, Libra Vs. Libra, loss, metaphors about singing, Music, optimism, original songs, Princess and the Dragon, princess metaphors, separation, separation after a long marriage, singing, singing lessons, singing openly, singing voice, songwriter, songwriting, staying positive, the princess and the dragon, vocal coaching, vocal concepts, vocal lessons, vocal techniques, vocalizing, voice lessons, writing | 1 Comment

LIEBSTER AWARD

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Judy

I want to thank Tersia Burger. She has nominated me for the Liebster Award.

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Tersia writes with heartbreaking honesty. Her writing about her daughter’s life and death really affected me. Tersia’s blog impacted me so much that I dedicated one of my songs to her daughter, Vicky:

Never Gone Away.

It amazes me how as a result of blogging, I’ve formed a wonderful friendship on the other side of the world. Here is a link that shares more about our friendship when it began:

Music Rescued My Soul

Tersia honors me by nominating me for the Liebster award and I humbly accept!

http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/

Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award

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2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog

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3. You should nominate other blogs (I have deleted blogs that are no longer active).

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4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves

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5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you

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6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer

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7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post

Blogs I Nominate:

http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/

http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/

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http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/

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11 Things About Me:

1. My children are everything to me.

2. I am amazed at how many chords and lyrics I have memorized. I’ve composed well over 40 original songs and can play all of them by heart. The guitar parts can be quite complicated and some songs are played in several keys. I still remember many of the several hundred cover-songs I used to play, too.

3. I refused to learn how to use a computer and avoided learning to email for many years. So now I am very proud of how proficient I’ve become. I’ve found the computer is an incredible tool that truly assists me with music, art and writing. My excellent English and typing skills have been very useful for blogging. I am adept with Photoshop; it also has been very handy for me. I am proud and grateful that I embraced the digital age after resisting it for so long.

4. When I began my blog and started writing in 2010, I never would have believed it would lead to me to the decision to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

5. Occasionally I miss painting with watercolors, but my passion for art has been overshadowed by music. When I record and hear a new song, my heart bursts with joy. I usually cry when I’m singing. My songs are like babies. Nothing moves me like music.

6. I treasure my smile. I love to laugh and enjoy telling puns. It both irritates and amazes my friends.

7. I am very dangerous on the tennis court. All of the women whom I play women’s doubles with would agree. It is such great therapy for me to hit a tennis ball. Unfortunately, it is embarrassing when it rockets into my opponent’s face!

8. Although my mother has dementia and cannot understand much, she lights up when we’re together and exudes deep love for me. I bask in her light and appreciate that I’ve had her as long as I have; she is a miraculous survivor. She inspires me with her ability to hang in there, and I believe it’s because of her deep love for life and family.

9. I miss my father who died last year. But I feel him with me, especially since I sleep in the same bed and bedroom where he used to.

10. I love to write and express myself. My guitar is my best friend. I especially love dreaming about where my life will go. But if it remains the way it is now, I’m perfectly fine with that.

11. I am extremely open and honest. I can easily share my intimate feelings. My music rediscovery blossomed as a result of my opening up and I know that I’ve touched many people with my writing and music. When I began my blog, I shared many personal details about my children because my life was focused upon them for many years. I am grateful that I was able to move from writing about them to discovering my own life!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO ANSWER FROM TERSIA:

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1) Are you addicted to your STATS?

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Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes, I’ve added up the minutes per day checking them and realize it takes up a lot of my time. But I keep doing it!

2) What country do you live in?

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The United States.

3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?

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I loved my fiftieth birthday where my dear tennis friends surrounded me. I also loved my fortieth birthday, which was a surprise party given to me by Norm and Jo (my brother and sister-in-law) and my parents. For my next major party (sixtieth) I’d definitely want my children there and perhaps 20 friends.

4) What is your favourite post?

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My favorite post on my blog is: All I have left after the death of my child. I love it because it crystallizes everything that I express with my writing and music. The picture of my deceased son, Jason, biking with ET, gets me every time. He was such a happy child!

Inspiring hope of healing is what Jason wants me to share with the world. Our love is as deep as it was when I last cradled him in my arms, even though it has been twenty years since he died.

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5) Who is your inspiration when writing?

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Since childhood, I’ve written hearing a voice in my mind that I’ve called “Judy of the Future.” I always listen for her wise voice. I do believe that God inspires me now. I lived without faith and disliked religion for years, even more so after my son’s death. But now I feel blessed and inspired. I understand my purpose in life and accept that I’ll die someday. My life is precious.

6) Introvert or extrovert?

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Both. I love playing my guitar and writing while alone. I also love sharing with other people. I have a lot to say in both cases!

7) Why do you read my blog?

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I came across your blog, Tersia, while searching for blogs about grief. I wanted to carry my message of hopefulness to people in deep grief. But your blog had me bawling because unlike helping people who have lost a child, your daughter was still alive and suffering. I couldn’t imagine anything I could do to help. I didn’t expect to hear back from you when I shared my song “Set You Free.” Then you turned my world upside down by posting it and announcing how my song helped you. What more is there in life than to make a difference to another human? When you told me that Vicky listened to my music while she was dying; I cried picturing that!

8) Favourite quote?

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“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

9) Favourite holiday location?

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Right where I am. Since I’ve given myself permission to pursue my passionate love for writing and music – my life is like a holiday. I am a workaholic who doesn’t feel like it’s work.

10) How long have you been writing?

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I discovered I loved writing in the sixth grade when I was eleven years old. My teacher was certain I’d be published someday. I tried to share with her that I published a maze book when I was in eighth grade, but she had already moved away and I didn’t know how to contact her.

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Autograph Book from Elementary School

11) Favourite TV show?

This is hard to answer. It’s embarrassing because I hate television with a passion. It was always turned on in my bedroom and I searched for ways to ignore it; listening to music helped somewhat. If I could travel back in time to when I did enjoy TV, it was a very long time ago. Okay, here it is: Thirtysomething. It was such a wonderful show and I still remember many of the episodes.

I love old pictures. I was about 9 years old in this photo with my mother and brother, Norm.

11 Questions For My Nominees:

1. Are you able to express your true feelings? When you can’t, how do you deal with it?

2. Do you wake up to write because it can’t wait?

3. Do you love chocolate? If not, what is your favorite delight?

4. Is exercise a chore or something you enjoy?

5. Do you imagine what you will be doing ten years from now? Will you be happier?

6. What is your favorite color and how does it make you feel?

7. Are you good about backing up your computer?

8. What is your favorite song that moves you?

9. What is your favorite post on your blog?

10. Do you dream?

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“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 1”

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I love inspiring other people.

A week ago, I spoke to a woman named Carol whom I reached out to on a Facebook grief site. We had some lovely exchanges, which I’ve already shared on my blog.

Last week, I received a message from Carol with a request from her for us to talk on the telephone. We both live on opposite coasts of the USA; Carol lives in New Jersey and I live in Los Angeles.

I called her and we were both on the phone for two hours. Carol wanted to discuss ways that I could share my music and writing with more people. It was very exciting for me to hear her ideas. I began to dream again about where my book and music would go.

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Finally, I told her I was tired. I was going to go and pluck my guitar before going to bed.

I ended up propping up the phone on my music stand and playing a concert for her!

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I sang while bending over near the phone. When I finished my first song, I picked up the phone. It was quiet, so I said, “Carol, are you still there?”

I heard a sniffle and her voice was teary as she said, “Oh my god, oh my god, you are making me cry – keep it coming, girl!”

I couldn’t believe that I was playing my guitar to someone I had just met over the phone!

Our exchange ended with Carol gushing, “Judy, you’ve inspired me to write again! My family can’t believe it. I made them all listen to your audio stories – it was important for me to do that because I wanted them to understand the depth of my pain losing my son. You have an amazing way of conveying that. I want to thank you for changing my life!”

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This was taken at an open-mic performance where I courageously sang without my guitar!

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 2”

I was smiling when I saw that Tersia had nominated me for the Liebster Award. I needed that smile because my day had been particularly challenging.

Tersia had posted something about eagles two days before. After studying the requirements for my Liebster Award, I carefully re-read her earlier post. It was all about eagle chicks and what their mother would do in order to teach them to fly.

Her post had me rolling on the floor. It was such a perfect post for my day! I was completely stressed out from issues with both my teenagers.

I wondered how in the world I was going to keep pushing my children without being hated! This was the hardest job in the world and I wished I knew what to do. But after reading about eagle moms, I had a much lighter feeling and a far better perspective. Instead of worrying whether my children might hate me, I needed to continue pushing because otherwise I would actually cripple them.

This was her post and I highly recommend it to any parent with teenagers: I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE

Though I appreciated Tersia’s timing, I was very sad to read that she felt she had smothered her daughter; she ached because her daughter never had the chance to leave her nest. Tersia’s longing and torment was inconsolable.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to write a story about Tersia and Vicky. It was so vivid! I emailed my story to Tersia and this was what she wrote back to me:

“Thank you Judy for writing Vic and my story. I have decided to try to publish a book on Vic’s journey. I don’t have a clue how to go about it but I know, that with your permission, this will be the foreword of the book! Thank you, dear friend.”

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ANGEL MOMMY AND ANGEL BABY

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The mommy eagle awaited the arrival of her baby chick. But when the time came, her baby was flaccid and close to death. There was little chance her sickly baby would survive. The eagle mom decided to name her child angel baby and prayed she would not lose her. The name was perfect, because her baby continued to live despite all odds.

But the eagle mom was not an ordinary mom; she was actually an angel mom and that was why an angel baby was borne to her. Both of them were special beyond description and surprisingly, neither one knew it.

But everyone around else did. There was no other explanation as to how her baby chick survived. It definitely was miraculous.

Every ounce of the angel mom’s soul went into helping her baby survive. Her baby fiercely clung to survival because of her mother’s love.

While other eagle mom’s had babies that flew, this angel mom had a child that would never fly. How she wished she could help her baby! She decided that not only would she devote herself to her child’s survival, she would teach her sickly angel baby to fly without ever leaving the nest! There were other ways her baby could fly and together they discovered beautiful ways.

It was their secret and her angel baby loved flying. She closed her eyes when she flew; her beauty was exquisite and she glowed.

Angel mom was so devoted to her baby that she never allowed herself to fly. She chose to only fly while holding onto her baby. She never understood that it was this connection that actually gave her baby the ability to fly.

Soon her baby eagle grew up. Her angel baby treasured her amazing life. Her ability to fly without wings was a secret. To outsiders, she appeared to be a suffering and deformed creature.

Eventually though, it was time for the angel chick to fly alone; now she would go to places in heaven. And one day, she would be reunited with her angel mom and together they would fly again.

When angel baby left for heaven, angel mom was heartbroken and suffered horribly. Even though this was something both of them had anticipated for a long time, angel mom had no idea what to do.

Angel mom cried and cried. She wondered why other people had babies that could easily fly and didn’t leave for heaven prematurely. Typically, babies were set free to live.

Instead, she was forced to set her baby free flying to heaven!

Even though she had helped her angel baby to fly secretly during her difficult life, angel mom had no idea how to fly herself.

She was tormented with longing for her angel baby and felt truly alone.

Angel baby didn’t want to leave and was very worried about her angel mommy. In her short life, angel baby touched many people with her courage. She actually flew farther than any eagle could.

She decided to carry a message to her mother. She whispered a story to a friend to share with her angel mommy.

With her story, angel baby reminded her mommy that setting her free was beautiful; just as she had gifted her with life, she had gifted her with death.

All children must be set free. Angel baby wanted to thank her mom and remind her mommy it was time for her to learn to fly. It was never too late!

Angel baby wanted her mommy to know that she was capable of flying. Angel mom would inspire many others to join her while she soared.

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