myjourneysinsight

THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT

Posted on September 1, 2013 by Judy

This is the front door to my big and beautiful former home where I lived for 18 years. I never imagined that my “dream house” would become my nightmare. The repairs and upkeep led to misery for my husband, which affected me deeply. But I simply plodded onward because I had so many issues to deal with related to my children and parents. I lived with grief and retreated into Zombieland for twenty-five years.

Above are lyrics to my song “The Door,” which was written a few months after “The Unknown.” I have not shared this song on my blog yet, either.

Above are lyrics to my song “The Door,” which was written a few months after “The Unknown.” I have not yet shared this song on my blog, either.

Link to more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

Message I received from a friend after my last post:

Thank you so much, Judy, for sharing this post with me. I read it all with great interest.

You’re welcome. Do you think I am sharing too much personal information on my blog? I do hope to inspire other people with my honesty.

NO, I truly do NOT think you are sharing too much info. I’m sure you have lots of personal info that you are NOT sharing–as it should be.

I certainly do. So many people stay in a miserable situation based on fear of being alone. It is far lonelier to be with someone who doesn’t understand you. I am much, much happier now.

Love, Judy

Ps. Thank you for your feedback!!!

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I am sixteen and Sam is eighteen in this picture.

Below is a continuation of my discussion with Dr. Sam that started on the last post:

Sam, after 30 years, I do feel like I’ve given it my best shot. I’ve only known one man in my life and I think I’ve lived with him long enough to know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can’t do it! I am actually terrified of the thought of being with anyone else. All I want is peace. That is what I have before he comes near me; I can’t see this being fixed. The stake in my heart started a long time ago.

Judy

Judy, I think that people are as we choose to view them…any of us who have been married a long time can come up with a long list of grievances, as well as a long list of positive attributes of our spouses…it’s up to us to decide what to focus on…all of us are so very different that it’s a wonder there are any long-term relationships! I’ve figured out that I can’t really change anyone other than me, so that is what I try to focus on.

One of my concerns is that every additional person that is exposed to the song, increases the chance that he will somehow find out about it…if you’re going to do this, then at least control the timing and do it your way…don’t let your emotions control the timing…Sam

Thanks for your message, Sam. I don’t think for either of us right now it would be financially viable for me to move out, but it would certainly be fairer for him to move forward with how he sees his future. We do live very separate lives and hardly speak.

I will not leave him in the lurch, because he depends on me to do so many things. For me, even if I have to financially struggle, I will do whatever is necessary in order to allow myself to be free. I can always get a secretarial job if I can’t support myself as an illustrator. I’ve devoted 30 years to him and you were right about how the only thing I can focus on is myself. That is what I’m doing.

Before that, it was my children. There is nothing he could possibly change that would allow me to want to grow old with him. Freedom for me is not to be with anyone else either. It’s to be free from constant criticism and requirements that everything in my house be “just so.”

Judy

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A video snap from my prom date with Sam in 1975 when I was 15 years old. Sam’s car is parked in the same spot where my car is now parked!

Judy, I still don’t think you want to have the dialog until you’re ready for it…you can never know how someone else is going to react, and the situation would be too volatile to predict…I wouldn’t leave this particular situation up to chance. But, I’m sorry that you feel this way…it must be really hard to process those feelings and decide to act on them…even after such a long time…not easy…Sam

Sam, it is hard. I am struggling. I feel like a different person; I never had these feelings before and it is very hard to manage with them. I use whatever tools I can. Humor helps.

I was never any good at break ups; you were my last one! I am probably the classic example of a mid-life crisis. And I do feel like I’m betraying my husband by not sharing with him how I feel. I need to find a gentle way to do that; is there such a thing? Together we can decide how things will play out. I mean, I could wait another few years to tell him, but is that fair?

It’s interesting how I’m giving up all financial security. I’d rather struggle because my needs are small; all of my pressure was to please him. Sam, thank you for your thoughtful and caring advice.

Judy

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Judy, I’m not sure what you are feeling guilty about…it doesn’t seem like things have changed that much in your relationship in ten years…if things don’t change much for another month, year, or ten years, then where is the deception? You have been faithful…who knows what he is even feeling about all of this?

There just doesn’t appear to be any reason to rush something that will greatly affect you, him and the kids. I still think you two should try some counseling…what is there to lose? At least you will know you did everything possible…and I think it would be very useful for both of you to understand how you got to this point in your relationship…understanding what happened might correct it, and will certainly help both of you from repeating similar behaviors in the future. Also important…lawyers: $400-$700 per hour, therapists $100-$200 per hour. I can refer a good one to you…Sam

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Sam, I feel guilty about expressing these feelings (which include repulsion, disdain, and worse). I truly don’t think he believes I would ever do this and if it happens after I find success, he’ll attribute it to “leaving him behind” after all the support he’s given me. It was a revelation when I realized I didn’t have wait for possible success. Probably my biggest worry is to give up medical insurance.

On the good list, he was very supportive of my art career, even though he was unsupportive emotionally. He’s not a bad person; just very unhappy. Even if my husband is not “affectionate,” he does go to work every day and I have a lot of freedom.

But as far as counseling goes, it would be helpful to understand how it got to this point. I think for me it’s a no-brainer, since I could never address my feelings because I was so busy advocating for my childrens’ needs and then my parents.

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This picture was taken before my wedding in June of 1981. Only my parents and a few people knew that I had already been married in secret six months earlier.

I wish I could have inspired people by having persevered in my marriage through so much adversity, but it’s just not possible for me to do that. How I choose to handle ending it is very important, and your wisdom is helpful for me. I don’t like feeling guilty, emotional or unsure. I think when feelings are stuffed for so long, when they erupt it is scary.

You’re right that I need additional resources to prevent my feelings from erupting. I have a lot of inner strength since I’ve begun writing, and I will tap into that to help me. My music continues to save me and I’m certain this will all be behind me one day. Either way, it’s hard being the “bad one” in this; I’m the one betraying my faithful husband. Writing a song like I did wasn’t very nice.

I never did sing “You’re Not The One” to you when we broke up!

And why am I writing to you about all this – isn’t that weird? I feel like you’re my doctor/shrink! Actually, everything you have said is very caring and since you’ve read so much of my blog, you know me better than my own husband in many ways.

Judy

Judy, I’m glad that you didn’t sing, “You’re not the One” thirty years ago…I definitely would not have felt better, and probably wouldn’t have helped with the lyrics! 🙂 Please don’t erupt…not useful or productive…if I could give you a dose of “Doctor” logic, I would….men are generally more logical, and women more emotional…but emotion may not serve you well here!…Sam

I believe the key to happiness is letting go of fear.

Thanks for your message, Doctor. I feel less emotional because of my song “The Unknown.” My song represented an emotional eruption and releasing it gave me clarity. The hardest part is that the timing for all this isn’t good right now – I know that. I actually dreamed last night that he came to me tearful after finding out. We talked and things were better for me after that, so much relief! Unfortunately, it was a dream.

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This morning I had another attack of colitis, which is something that plagues me under stress. Thanks for alleviating my guilt. It doesn’t matter for me that I haven’t cheated – I feel horrible knowing that I’m hurting him and turning his life upside down. But hopefully, we’ll both get through it!

Judy

Judy, sorry about the colitis…. not fun!

After reading your blog, and listening to your songs, it sounds to me like you were pretty much just in survival mode after Jason passed away, until maybe a year or two ago…you got through the day, raised your kids, took care of your parents, but probably had little ability to put much effort into your marital relationship…I mean, how could you? Where would the energy have come from? So it would have been easy to slip into any easy pattern that decreased your stress…if your relationship with him wasn’t great, so what?

It was probably too much energy to even deal with. And I would bet that over that long period of time that him kind of lost interest, as well…one person (and particularly a man) isn’t going to be able to carry on a relationship by themselves. So he too fell into an easy pattern…work, come home, deal with the kids a bit, and pay the bills. Dealing with your grief over many years may simply have been nearly impossible for him…and he had his own grief to deal with as well…probably without even a fraction of your insight…us guys just aren’t very good with this stuff anyway. So both of you fell away from the relationship…the horrible situation you both went through disrupted your lives far too much!

Yet, he continued to work and support his family, and stayed with you throughout! I bet that almost no one else would have done that over such a long period, and I find it admirable. Then, about a year ago, you came out of your cocoon, and radically changed (for the better)…and he had absolutely no idea what to do with that…it was probably puzzling, and frustrating, as well as strange to have to deal with a new person all of a sudden…how well do any of us react when the rules of the game suddenly change?

But, because of the support he has given you, and continues to give you, I really think you owe the guy a chance to get in counseling with you, and see if you can re-figure each other out. As far as I know, there has been no cheating, no physical abuse, or anything else that could totally prevent reconciliation. And I just don’t see what you have to lose?? You have three kids together, that remain a challenge (as all kids are), and they are better off having their parents together as a team, than seeing them fight each other through a divorce, and then having to deal with separate homes, visitation, etc., etc., and all the other nasty stuff that happens.

In my practice, I have a plethora of women in their 50’s and 60’s who have never remarried after their divorce, nor have they had any sort of suitable relationship in years. Guys our age go after much younger women (unfortunate, but true). You are going to end up having to support yourself in some fashion, and it can be a struggle. I root for the success of your book, but I have a noted author in my practice, whose last book got into Amazon’s top twenty (quite an achievement)…I don’t think she has cleared 100K out of it…there just isn’t so much money in writing and publishing.

You are financially way better off staying together if at all possible. I would bet that he doesn’t want to lose you and his family either, and would work to keep the two of you together…but it’s not possible that he will figure out how to do this on his own.

Well, I have totally overstepped my bounds…had a long meeting tonight, and when I’m tired I let my guard down…sorry…and I certainly have only the understanding gained from what you have written and sung about…I could be miles and miles off…but I bet I’m not. I hope I haven’t angered you…too much, anyway…and that you will consider some of what I have to say…but I see a really, really big stick of dynamite in your path, and I am trying to push you out of the way!!…Sam

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Hi Sam,

I appreciate your honesty very much – it’s helpful for me.

All of what you wrote makes perfect sense – but only from the outside looking in. What you’re saying is absolutely true as far as my husband goes, and that is why this is especially hard for me. It sounds like he has been a great guy and consistent throughout. He has not cheated, and he goes to work. I have so much to lose – both financially and in the eyes of my children.

My husband is not forgiving. He has been cold to me for decades because one time I expressed doubt about our marriage working out twenty years ago. One reason why I haven’t wanted to go to counseling is that it didn’t help in the past and there is no repairing this for me. At best getting along would be a facade, not a loving relationship. I don’t care about being financially destitute or without another relationship. I really don’t. This might sound like a woman in her 50’s who simply “found herself” and is off gallivanting. But it’s not.

It’s about a girl who got married very young, stuck with it through thick and thin, and feels like she deserves more from life. There is no affection between us. He has never understood any of my feelings, and I cannot envision growing old with him. I can barely tolerate his company.

He is a very unhappy person. I think my true withdrawal became more pronounced as I became aware of how much of my energy it has taken for me to counter that. I know I could stay with him for our children’s sake – but I deserve a better life. Even if I am poor!

I feel a lot of self-worth now and will find a way. I hope my book and my music does well. And if I don’t make any money, I’ll find another way to support myself. I welcome that challenge. It will be a new life for me. My biggest challenge now is that I need to wait awhile longer and hope that this doesn’t blow up in my face with all those sticks of dynamite I threw out as the revelation exploded from me.

Judy

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I run from you

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Judy, you’re right that no matter how much you share and I read, that I can only look from the outside, not the inside…I absolutely don’t minimize your perspective…you are living this day in and day out…if you can’t do it anymore, and feel that you have given it your best shot, then you do what you have to do…I’m just looking for any solution that won’t make your life harder (its been hard enough).

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I still would recommend not sharing this stuff…particularly with your family…otherwise this will blow up quicker than I think you would like, and interfere with the other complicated issues you are dealing with…hang in there!…Sam

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I painted the image above for my wedding invitation. The quotation is a line of lyrics from the song “Evergreen.”

There were two pages for this list and I could not share everything that I wrote.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged adjusting to divorce, coping with divorce, divorce, divorce after long marriage, divorce and grief, facing divorce, gray divorce, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, navigating divorce after a long marriage, original songs, Reasons for divorce, reasons to separate, separation, separation after a long marriage, separation and divorce, songwriting, the unknown | 1 Comment

MY HEART WAS LIKE STONE

Posted on August 29, 2013 by Judy

Link to more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

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On my last post, I shared the story of how I reconnected with my former high school boyfriend, Sam.

When Sam found my blog in 2010, he was concerned that I might think he was “stalking me.” It turned out that he ran into an old friend of mine. She told him I was an artist and had a website where he could see my work.

He certainly wasn’t expecting to find my blog with a song written about him!

I am currently separated and have been living on my own now for 11 months. For this post, I want to share my email correspondence with Sam after I told him I wanted a divorce from my husband. Sam never met my husband until the day he visited my home with his wife in 2010.

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Sam and I in 1978

This was the only picture we took when Sam came over with his wife to my home in 2010. This picture was taken at the end of the evening, and I was exhausted!

Just last week, I wrote to Sam to get his permission to share our emails for this post.

On Aug 4, 2013, Judy wrote:

Hi Sam, I finally got around to recording a new vocal for “You’re Not the One” and wanted to share it with you. I would like to write something about you and I for a new story about “the very first song I ever wrote”.

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Also, you counseled me in regards to my wanting to leave my husband. There were a few personal things mentioned that I wouldn’t share – but overall you made many good points and it was challenging to have that exchange with you. How would you feel about my sharing it? I would definitely run it by you first before I put it out there.

I’m also attaching a recording of “You’re Not the One” to this email so you can hear it. But I don’t imagine you have time to listen.

Judy

Judy, I don’t think there is any problem with sharing that correspondence, but would certainly appreciate it if you would run it by me. Not listen to my very own song?? It’s a nice version, much softer and well vocalized. I like the harmony at the end!…Sam

A week later, I sent Sam my story. He wrote back:

On Aug 20, 2013, Sam wrote:

I think the story is fine…I’m uncomfortable that you are sharing so much that is so personal about yourself…have you ever thought of making your blog subscription only, so that you get to see who is reading it? There are some strange people out there, and I still wonder if just anyone should have access to your thoughts…Sam

I love being honest and touching; I know it is refreshing and unusual. I haven’t ever worried about strange people; I actually worry more about what my kids might think. But they don’t really seem to care and I always tell them what I’m doing, so there are few surprises. They know how open I am. Glad it’s okay for you if I share it. Take care.

Judy

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My dialog with Sam began not longer after I had written a new song with unsparing and heart-breaking lyrics. That song was named “The Unknown.” I have not yet shared it on my blog.

“The Unknown” changed my life. I wrote the lyrics late at night while I was on a family vacation. Before I wrote those lyrics, I had never acknowledged my true feelings before.

I dug deep into my heart to verbalize my pain.

My honest song lyrics gave me clarity about my readiness to face “the unknown.” But readiness did not immediately translate into courage. After I wrote my song, I agonized over my decision to get divorced after 31 years of marriage and four children.

If there was one lyric line that wasn’t completely true it would be: “Your heart is like stone.”

The truth was that it was my heart that was like stone. Both of us lived with coldness and accepted it for decades. One day, I decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore. In order to find my courage, I froze my heart even more because I couldn’t bear thinking of how much my decision was going to hurt my husband. I knew he would be completely bewildered by my drastic turn-around.

Having a heart “like stone” allowed me to cope with overwhelming isolation and sadness.

Writing this story was extremely painful because he and I never even discussed why I wanted to separate. Our communication was non-existent for years and years. When I finally was able to tell him that I wanted to end our marriage, there was little discussion other than how we would tell our children.

I was actually relieved because I did not want to feel his wrath.

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The front door of my former home. This picture was for a song cover on another song I named "The Door."

I am looking out the front door of my former home. This picture was for my song named “The Door.”

Below is my correspondence with Sam when I realized I wanted to end my marriage: (Sam’s words are in blue)

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Hi Sam, unfortunately, I thought my chest pain was going away. Because it got worse yesterday, I’m going to my doctor mid-morning today. Thanks for suggesting I be checked immediately.

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I wanted to share that I’ve finished composing a new song I’ve named “The Unknown.” The problem is I can’t share anything about it because the song is too personal. It is about my marriage and very sad. I can’t put it out there, but I will share it with you sometime.

Judy

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Well, us old boyfriends can come in handy! I’m glad that you are seeing your doctor…just ordering an x-ray usually doesn’t solve anything…it can be part of an evaluation, but shouldn’t be the entire evaluation.

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I know you like to share, but how will your husband feel when you put your new song out there? I don’t want to see you have to deal with new stress that you don’t really need to deal with right now…seems like you have plenty to worry about already…really think about it. Feel better!…Sam

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Hi Sam, your first line had me laughing on the floor; you are a handy old boyfriend!

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Hypnotherapy reminds me that perhaps my chest pain was brought on when I wrote the lyrics, “I feel my heart break.” It’s amazing how the mind can manifest physical symptoms.

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Don’t worry; I am not going to put my new song out there. For me, a song is a way that I can express myself to heal. Lots of songwriters write songs of projection and people wouldn’t think anything about it. But I don’t plan to perform my new song in public or put it on my blog until I feel ready.

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But in order to cope and feel less alone, I do share with friends. I have shared my song with a few close ones and it helps. But I feel horrible, like a traitor. It is quite hard. I don’t want to change my life at this moment and add stress. But the time is coming soon for me – It’s harder and harder to contain all of this.

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I appreciate your advice, as always. I just saw that you gave some medical advice to one of my good friends; that was very sweet and thoughtful of you.–

Judy

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Judy, one thing you always do well is to express yourself clearly. And not just in song. Have you talked with him about how you feel, or tried some couples counseling? I really think after 30 years (which almost no one gets to anymore) that you should make every effort to stay together…happily, of course…but as we both know, relationships take ongoing hard work and communication…its not good to retreat into separate corners if you can help it, because that usually just escalates everything.-

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I know from reading your blog that you are not getting everything you want out of your relationship, but have you asked for what you want? I know that you are spending a lot of time with your book, singing, and the blog, and these are great outlets for you, but please don’t let that time take away from your family relationships, which are so important…Sam

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Hi Sam, I think you deserve some explanation since you knew me well all those years ago and have also been following my writing and “renewal.” Mostly, my retreat is because I cannot stand being around the criticism and anger that my husband exudes. I’m not interested in trying to change his behavior because frankly, there has been no intimacy between us for a very long time. I have never slept with anyone else in my life. The part that has me suffering is how to tell him. I know it will turn his life upside down. I hate breakups, and I hated it back then with you, too!

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I figure I’ve suffered from far worse things in my life and this will be something I can manage with. There will be something better for me in the future. I am not afraid to be alone; I’m more terrified to think of any future relationships. I’ve made up my mind to face the unknown!

Judy

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Judy, I’m sorry…that must have been hard to share. You both have a lot of battle scars from all the difficulties you’ve been through…I would love to see you both give the other a break and see if you can make it work with professional help…a good counselor is much cheaper than an attorney, and from my friends I have always seen divorce take its toll on the two people involved, as well as their children. Obviously I’m supportive no matter what you do, and hope you choose the course that turns out best for you…Sam

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Sam, I appreciate your writing. It’s been a few years since I went with my husband to a counseling session. I remember well how different he would act in front of a counselor. The problem for me is some basic things that I over-looked for many years.

The fact that he doesn’t understand me is very sad. He’s a good person and deserves being with someone who would enjoy his company. I hate being around him. Everything he says is negative, I actually get sick to my stomach when he comes in the door. When I began writing, I used every ounce of my strength to only see the good things; thank God, because without that I’d never crawl out of my hole.

Honestly, I’ve had these feelings for awhile but when I put my words into a song it was so crystal clear that I believe that’s why I’m manifesting physical pain in my chest. Thanks for being so supportive and sharing your opinion and feelings. I hope it isn’t too awkward for you.

Judy

I feel badly for you…this must be the biggest stress that you have. I’m sure that it would be hard after years to reconnect…not impossible, but very hard. Just be careful with your timing…going through a divorce will overwhelm everything else that you are dealing with, and I don’t want to see the stress bring you down from the good place that you are at now…Sam

Thanks, Sam. Perhaps I was a zombie for years because I held it all in. I saw my father tonight and it was helpful for me to talk about things. Because he lived with me, he is completely supportive of me. I cry as I write this because I feel horrible for him to have the stress of this on him at this stage in his life. My father loves me so much and told me tonight how sorry he was that he allowed my mother to force my marriage early the way she did.

I suffered a lot from that and the very traumatic the things she said to me. I was very depressed in my 20’s and honestly thought that having kids would help.

I have worked miracles with my children out of love. You are right that a divorce could bring me down at the moment. I feel like such a traitor. But for years, I was numb and depressed. Now as I writer, I suddenly feel like the ceiling has been lifted from my life. The sky is limitless and life offers me so many possibilities that I never ever considered.

I thought it would be “until death do you part.” The truth is that I died inside and parted from him a long time ago.

I’m alive now and I have so much to look forward to! I love my life and appreciate every part of it. I hate to hurt him, but I pray that some day he will be happier too. He certainly isn’t happy with me.

Judy

I would really limit sharing of this issue with your friends…I’m sure he would be upset if he found out how you were feeling, and then things could suddenly spiral out of control for you…you don’t need that…don’t let your emotions take over on this…think very carefully, and if you are going to proceed go slowly and thoughtfully.

I know you feel that your song was an epiphany for you, but not every epiphany is correct, and we can all let emotion get the better of us…important not to do that here…this decision is simply too big…if there is any way that you can both can work this out (as hard as it might be), I think that you will both be better off. For now, before you jump through that window, take a step back, take a deep breath, and think one more time…Sam

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

This is a picture from my former life during a vacation. I worked so hard to give my children good memories. I hope they are able to let go of all the fighting.

Tagged adjusting to divorce, changing your life, coping with divorce, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, gray divorce, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, original songs, separation, separation after a long marriage, separation and divorce, songwriting, the unknown | 2 Comments

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE – PART 2

Posted on August 25, 2013 by Judy

I picked this image as my song cover for “You’re Not the One,” because I love this picture. It was taken by one of my many boyfriends (not by Sam) when I was 18.

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

What we had I took away

There was nothing left at all anyway

You spoke of love, but that’s just a word

I can’t comprehend that line that I’ve heard before . . .

I’m sorry you’re hurt; I just couldn’t lie

I had empty feelings, and I don’t know why

We had to end it; I know it’s unfair

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to care for another

You demanded things I did not feel

I can’t express what is not real

The love you wanted wasn’t there

The pain you’ll just have to bear

Now that you’re gone I can say honestly

What we had is still special to me

I look back and remember the fun

But now I realize you’re not the one

You’re not the one for me

When this song was recorded, I was still learning to sing after 30 years of silence:

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Link to lyrics, more stories and recordings for YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.

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In December of 2009, my mother was recovering from surgery to repair her broken shoulder. I did not want her to have that surgery, but was pressured by doctors, my brother and my father into acquiescing. My mom was very susceptible to respiratory infections and had been coughing a lot the day before her surgery.

While I was visiting her, I could see she was having great difficulty breathing. Soon it became an emergency situation; she was intubated and put on a respirator. What followed was a horror. She had a tracheostomy a week later and was on a respirator for two months. There were few words to describe the day-to-day ordeal of watching her fight to live.

I truly dreaded waking up every morning to face my day.

I would go to the hospital to be with my mother and soothe her. When I wasn’t there, her hands were bound with restraints because otherwise she would pull out her tubes. In the evening, I’d leave the hospital, but often before I could go home I had to shop for food for my family. Because it was late, my husband and children stopped waiting for me to eat dinner with them.

I was completely overwhelmed by the unrelenting stress in my life.

Despite this difficult situation, there was one thing that I looked forward to doing: writing. Late at night, I sent email messages to family and friends who wanted to know about my mother’s condition. Those desperate messages I typed late at night were filled with honesty. Many of my friends told me how they were hanging on my words. I barely ever saw my husband and because he disliked reading he didn’t want me to send him any updates.

It was then when I realized how lonely I was and how much I loved writing.

Miraculously, after two months my mother was weaned off the respirator and released from the hospital into a skilled nursing facility. She never went back to assisted living and was separated from my father. In retrospect, I see how her dementia accelerated after this ordeal.

Gradually I was able to get back to a semblance of my former existence. But something had changed for me; I had discovered how comforting it was for me to express my feelings by writing.

In February of 2010, I created this blog and my fabulous journey of insight began!

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Mom with Trach

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During the time that my mother was on a respirator, I shared my email messages freely. It was probably because I felt so isolated and lonely; the support I received really fueled me. More and more I opened up to share my honest feelings. On one of my messages I mentioned how I was a songwriter before I was married.

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My childhood friend, Joni asked me why I wasn’t playing my guitar anymore. She remembered how much I had loved playing while in high school and offered to introduce me to a Grammy-winning music producer she knew.

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With that incentive, I picked up my guitar and began to play again after 30 years. The more I sang and played my guitar, the more my life began to change.

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This is a charcoal drawing from my college days. I played classical guitar back then.

This charcoal drawing is from my college days when I played classical guitar.

One of the most interesting parts of my journey has been how I’ve reconnected with many people from my past.

As a result of updating a former neighbor from my childhood, I was reunited with her son, Steve. He was my childhood playmate and ended up helping me tremendously with music recording. I was so fortunate to have reconnected with him.

Once my blog and life story were out on the Internet, many people from my past began to pop back into my life.

Probably the most beautiful story of all is how I re-established a wonderful friendship with my former high school boyfriend, whom I will refer to as “Dr. Sam.”

I met Sam in high school, when I was 15 years old. It was sweet how we both attended each other’s high school prom; he was two years older than I.

Sam and I dated on and off for four years. When we were “off,” it was strictly a result of my pushing him away. Sam was patient with me, even though I was fickle and kept breaking up with him. But after four years, our break-up became final. I had told both him and my future husband that I would spend New Year’s Eve with them. I was forced to choose.

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I picked this image as my song cover for “You’re Not the One,” because I love this picture. It was taken by one of my many boyfriends (not by Sam) when I was 18.

Not long after that, Sam began dating and later on was engaged to a good friend of mine. Her name was Carol and I lost touch with both of them.

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I actually reunited with Carol and it’s been delightful. She did not marry Sam and he gave me information to find her.

Back in 1975 when I first met Sam, I had just started learning how to play the guitar. After our final break up I wrote my very first original song, which I named, “You’re Not the One.”

He never heard my song back then, but he has now!

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I was always a little embarrassed by “You’re Not the One.” Recently, when I sang a new vocal I was reminded of my anguish over hurting such a nice guy. Clearly, I was unsure about what I wanted and felt pressured to find “the one.”

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It’s interesting how I treated my future husband much the way I did Sam. I broke up with him also after feeling pressured. During that time period, I wrote my song “Saying Goodbye.”

But eventually I reunited with my future husband and decided he was “the one.”

I married when I was twenty-one and until this year I never lived on my own.

I am certain I was far too young to have gotten married. At that time in my life, I didn’t see any other options. My parents discouraged me from living on my own because it was something “good girls” didn’t do. I couldn’t imagine challenging them.

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Pictures from family vacations remind me of how secure I felt growing up.

As I cope with separation and divorce, memories are triggered because I live in the same apartment where I grew up.

My childhood home is once again a “cocoon.” I often picture my mother cooking in the kitchen and can even smell those delicious aromas in my mind. I sleep in the same bed where my parents’ once slept; I used to wake them up with frequent nightmares as a child and can picture myself shaking my mother awake. I still hear my father’s voice correcting my grammar and telling me to stand up straight and not chew on ice.

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And almost every day, I walk right near the high school where Sam and I used to stroll hand in hand.

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I realize that I had no idea what it meant to find “the one.”

My husband captured my heart especially because he loved my music when we were dating. Once we were married, I stopped playing my guitar.

I felt a lot of pressure to succeed as an artist. The story I told myself was that I needed to choose between art and music. I did succeed in establishing myself as a commercial artist. My career became my “baby” and I didn’t really think I wanted children.

But seven years after I was married, I decided perhaps it was time for me to become a mother. I was not happy, but did not examine my marriage. I had my first child and went into survival mode because he was sickly. Jason had a severe congenital heart defect and died when he was five.

For another two decades, I became a tireless advocate for all three of my other children because they required it. I fought the school district to get them the help they needed.

Through all of that, I stayed married when the odds were against it.

I stuck with my decision for 31 years and celebrate the beautiful children that my husband and I created together.

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My musical journey began with my attempt to remember every song that I wrote prior to the age of 21. As I recorded those songs, I expanded many of them by adding new verses, choruses and lyrics.

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For “You’re Not The One,” I did not change one word.

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I arranged and recorded the “very first song I ever wrote” in October of 2010. I posted it to my blog and wrote about my high school boyfriend. I put pictures of us with the story, but covered Sam’s face with a big heart.

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Prom Pic Boyfriend A

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It was about a month later when I received a comment on that story. It was from Sam. I was in shock!

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We began emailing to share about our lives after over thirty years. I wrote a story about our reunion on this blog.

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Below are links to stories about our reunion:

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#148 I REMEMBER THE FUN

#152 WHAT WE HAD IS STILL SPECIAL TO ME

#164 FADING THROUGH PASSAGES OF MY LIFE

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It has been almost three years since our reconnecting.

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I have only physically met Sam twice. The first time was when I invited him and his wife to my home and wrote my reunion story. The second time was when my mother broke her hip and he came to the hospital to offer me advice and support.

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Sam is not only a successful physician; he is the head of the American Medical Association of Southern California.

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I must say that it has been a godsend to have such a compassionate and terrific doctor as my friend. Sam has been extremely kind to friends of mine by giving advice and coming to their rescue. He is happily married with four wonderful children. When I met his wife, I was very impressed with her. She was beautiful and kind.

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Sam is a practicing Orthodox Jew and has strong viewpoints. I appreciate our dialogs because it has forced me to clarify my feelings in order to explain things to him. I wrote a lot more about grief than I ever expected to in order to answer his questions. Many times, he has triggered intense reactions from me.

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I wrote this post for two reasons. One reason is because last week I recorded a new vocal for my song “You’re Not the One.”

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The other reason is that I am ready to start sharing more of my feelings related to why I chose to get divorced and start a new life.

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On my next post, I plan to share an email dialog with Sam when I told him I was planning to leave my husband.

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Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, Advocacy, Aging Parents, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, facing divorce, facing divorce after a long marriage, Friendship, gray divorce, guitar, high school memories, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, reconnecting, respirator weaning, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, writing | Leave a comment

MY SONG GARDEN

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Judy

I am a passionate songwriter.

I love expressing myself with words, and writing about my life has healed so much of my pain. For some reason, by sharing my intimate feelings I feel connected to other people. I am never lonely anymore.

But songwriting takes me far beyond words, because adding them to beautiful music is magnificent.

Currently, I am writing a new song. It truly is like a “birth,” because my song has a life of it’s own. As the words and music are slowly revealed to me, I dream about how it might sound arranged. The process of cultivating and growing a new “song seed” to add to my song garden, simply adds more perfume and color into my inspirational life.

A few weeks ago, I could hum and play only one verse. Just last week, the lyrics and melody for the chorus began to develop. Throughout my day, I hum that melody and dance along with it. The excitement in my life has been building because my new song is blooming around me.

Just for fun, I recorded the first two verses while playing my guitar for a good friend.

Click the blue link below to play audio:

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A RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS – IN PROGRESS

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One way that I love to describe myself is that I am a “song gardener.”

What I love about my current existence is the freedom I have given myself to be that gardener.

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I’m not in any hurry to have my garden trampled in order for my songs to be more “commercial.” This garden is mine to enjoy, though I do love sharing it and my songs can freely be heard on my blog.

The difference is that I’m not sharing a “final product” but instead am opening my heart to the world. Every post, leads to a song in some way. This glorious process of songwriting and healing has become my new life and my blog documents how my songs have unfolded.

In the past, I might have told myself that singing and songwriting was a waste of time; it was “frivolous.” But I feel financially stable since my divorce and am also working as an artist. When I received another large illustration assignment this week, I took that as a sign from God that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Following my dream is most certainly possible for me and that is why I am so happy!

Trust me, in order to cultivate my “song seeds” into lovely flowers there was a lot for me to learn. In the last three years, I’ve become adept at music editing and have worked hard to improve my singing voice after not using it for over thirty years. (Hint: I never considered myself to be a good singer when I was young.)

So that is why it is amazing for me now – I love singing and hearing my own voice. I am far less anxious about performing and look forward to sharing my journey publicly through speaking and singing more and more. During those performances I plan to talk about grief and healing.

Writing about my “song garden” really helped me gain clarity. For many months now, I was not enjoying the beautiful flowers blooming in my song garden.

I realize now that it was because I was digging and hoeing, removing dead petals, wilted leaves and unwanted pests. I wasn’t seeing color or smelling the aromas; I saw only the flaws in my garden. Many of my earlier song recordings had crackles and buzzes on a few tracks. Although I wanted a manicured and perfect garden and was proud of my ability to create it, the entire process became an exhausting job.

When I was focused on fixing every minute flaw, all of my creative energy was sapped.

The reason a song garden is such a wonderful metaphor for me is because it relates to something I also discovered as an artist. I loved painting flowers over man-made objects because they were imperfect and organic. So now I’ve decided that there’s nothing wrong with my music being a wild garden that flourishes with new blossoms every day.

Sometimes I have encountered strong opinions from others about what my songs require. It has been challenging for me to balance those opinions, because I’ve never considered myself to be an expert musician.

But now that I have become a seasoned song gardener, I’ve begun to follow my own intuition more and more and it feels great! There is no perfect way to sell my song CD.

There is just whatever way I want to do it – I get to choose! When I’m ready, I will. I’m in no hurry.

I plan to continue recording vocals, creating new arrangements and writing new songs. As I finish songs, I always update my two song pages, which are links that are on the right side of my blog. Clicking on “JUDY’S MUSIC COMPLETE,” goes to a page where I always have a date next to each song mix.

I love my life and celebrate the peace that comes with following my heart.

Lyrics and music surround me on this wondrous journey my life has become.

I share a glimpse into my life as a songwriter. These are “lyrics in progress” for my newest song.

This is one of my favorite paintings.

MY SONG GARDEN

When I was a very young child, I composed melodies to express how much I loved my mom.

I learned how to play the guitar at the age of fifteen. The sweet notes of my guitar were captivating. I discovered I could channel all of my feelings into a song; the process was magical.

Singing sad songs soothed my emptiness. Songs that were joyous lifted me higher than the heavens.

I had no idea, but it was then when my song garden began to grow.

With music, life was incredibly beautiful. Every experience became a song.

Some of my songs expressed things I hadn’t yet experienced but imagined I would.

The prophecies of those song lyrics were nothing short of remarkable.

I sang about love and eventually I fell in love. My future mate adored listening to my songs and for that reason I loved him even more. Up until the day we were married, I carried my guitar everywhere and sang to him.

After we were married, I stopped singing my songs. I decided that my energy needed to be directed toward living a mature life. My mind was full of grown up visions and there was no longer room in my life for a song garden as an adult.

The truth was that I no longer had any emotions with which to grow songs.

I denied my true feelings and disconnected myself from my heart. I did not express anger. I could not feel joy.

I simply dedicated myself to becoming a great illustrator in order to make money. After seven years of dullness, I went on to have children and realize now that perhaps it was to fill my void. Every child of mine was a miracle. I deeply loved them and never looked back.

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I consider all of my children to be miracles.

So my garden was relegated to memories of a young girl. The songs that had once bloomed and flourished became barren and their melodies disappeared into the wind.

The years went by . . .

As an adult, I carried scars from the ravages of unbearable grief. I had little time for memories; I was weary of life and grateful that I rarely cried like I did when my child first died.

I refused to face that truth, or admit that my “mature life” had been so unsatisfying. Instead, I lived through the joy that I saw in my children. They became my life force.

I was numb. Memories of my joy as a young girl were extremely sad because it was a reminder that the best part of my life was over.

One day, I was so tired of holding all of my emotions inside and feeling discouraged about life. Gradually, I allowed myself to feel and to remember.

I began to release the pain inside my heart.

At first, I was afraid, but then I simply let go of fear. There was nothing to lose and I decided to give myself permission to be happy.

The memories of music gently whispered to me and I wondered if I could remember any of the songs that used to give me so much pleasure.

I often noticed the dusty guitar case in my closet. My guitar was like a long-lost friend that I never wanted to let go of, even though we hadn’t touched in many, many years.

With curiosity, I decided to open the case and see what I could remember.

Holding my guitar again was comfortable and familiar. At first, there was pain as I played it. But as the memory of chords came into my fingertips, I easily ignored the pain.

Suddenly, I felt emotion swelling inside of me; sadness began to dissipate. I was overwhelmed with enthusiasm and filled with disbelief.

My songs had not died!

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Playing my guitar at the age of 15.

My youthful song garden was wild, tangled and always blooming. I could easily remember how I danced through my garden and sang freely as a young girl.

My adult song garden was sparse and barren for decades. The moment I began to play my guitar again, I was determined to restore it.

Because I was an older woman, I had maturity and new emotions to express.

Now I could cultivate my garden in a spectacular way. I carefully dug to search for every song seed I could find. Every ounce of pain in my life (a euphemism for “crap”) became my fertilizer. I gently grew each one of those song seeds and watched my songs explode into radiant blooms.

My adult song garden became a bountiful paradise. The song seeds from decades earlier bloomed in ways I never could have imagined. All of my pain was healed by the garden I surrounded myself with and my life was transformed.

Although I had been married for decades to the same man I fell in love with as a young girl, we were strangers. It was too lonely for me to continue to live that way. My music gave me courage to know that it would be far better to live alone. Living with him kept my heart closed with a complete denial of my true feelings.

It was because of my songs that I learned my true feelings.

I followed my own song lyrics and changed the course of my life.

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My new life was filled with passion and it even caused me to find faith in God.

God wanted me to share my garden with the world. I took my task seriously and devoted myself to it with every ounce of my being. There were no coincidences for me, because wonderful people appeared in my life in order to help my garden grow.

I hoped I could help other people heal by sharing the beauty of my garden.

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However, there were many times when my life became challenging. It was not possible to always be joyous. I watched my father die and my mother fade with dementia. I chose to end my marriage after 31 years.

But when I was filled with sadness, my songs always comforted me. If I fell down, my songs lifted me up.

Every song that I planted was healing and inspiring because the lyrics and music perfectly fit my life. The sweet perfume of song melodies and the magic of my garden sustained me.

My songs were filled with love. I danced through my life hearing music and was grateful to God for blessing me with such a beautiful gift.

I knew I was the richest woman in the world.

I freely share CDs of my music and stories. This lovely note came back to me from a fellow blogger in Canada. The line that gives me so much pleasure is: “Your voice is very pure.”

I freely share CDs of my music and stories. This lovely note came back to me from a fellow blogger in Canada. The line that gives me the most pleasure is: “Your voice is very pure.” Her letter was four pages long.

Transcription:

I found myself reading and re-reading your letter. I cannot for a moment pretend to understand what you experienced as a result of Jason’s death or the time that followed. I believe one of the greatest tragedies of life is when a child passes before their parents. It’s unimaginable to me – the raw pain. Yet, here you are – reaching out to me to ease my illness – your strength is incredible! Further, in coping with caring for your mom after you had already experienced so much grief – is beyond my comprehension.

I am thankful you began to write about your experiences. In doing so, even inadvertently, you can touch so many and bring healing, understanding and so much more to their lives.