myjourneysinsight

MY HEART WAS LIKE STONE

Posted on August 29, 2013 by Judy

Link to more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

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On my last post, I shared the story of how I reconnected with my former high school boyfriend, Sam.

When Sam found my blog in 2010, he was concerned that I might think he was “stalking me.” It turned out that he ran into an old friend of mine. She told him I was an artist and had a website where he could see my work.

He certainly wasn’t expecting to find my blog with a song written about him!

I am currently separated and have been living on my own now for 11 months. For this post, I want to share my email correspondence with Sam after I told him I wanted a divorce from my husband. Sam never met my husband until the day he visited my home with his wife in 2010.

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Sam and I in 1978

This was the only picture we took when Sam came over with his wife to my home in 2010. This picture was taken at the end of the evening, and I was exhausted!

Just last week, I wrote to Sam to get his permission to share our emails for this post.

On Aug 4, 2013, Judy wrote:

Hi Sam, I finally got around to recording a new vocal for “You’re Not the One” and wanted to share it with you. I would like to write something about you and I for a new story about “the very first song I ever wrote”.

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Also, you counseled me in regards to my wanting to leave my husband. There were a few personal things mentioned that I wouldn’t share – but overall you made many good points and it was challenging to have that exchange with you. How would you feel about my sharing it? I would definitely run it by you first before I put it out there.

I’m also attaching a recording of “You’re Not the One” to this email so you can hear it. But I don’t imagine you have time to listen.

Judy

Judy, I don’t think there is any problem with sharing that correspondence, but would certainly appreciate it if you would run it by me. Not listen to my very own song?? It’s a nice version, much softer and well vocalized. I like the harmony at the end!…Sam

A week later, I sent Sam my story. He wrote back:

On Aug 20, 2013, Sam wrote:

I think the story is fine…I’m uncomfortable that you are sharing so much that is so personal about yourself…have you ever thought of making your blog subscription only, so that you get to see who is reading it? There are some strange people out there, and I still wonder if just anyone should have access to your thoughts…Sam

I love being honest and touching; I know it is refreshing and unusual. I haven’t ever worried about strange people; I actually worry more about what my kids might think. But they don’t really seem to care and I always tell them what I’m doing, so there are few surprises. They know how open I am. Glad it’s okay for you if I share it. Take care.

Judy

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My dialog with Sam began not longer after I had written a new song with unsparing and heart-breaking lyrics. That song was named “The Unknown.” I have not yet shared it on my blog.

“The Unknown” changed my life. I wrote the lyrics late at night while I was on a family vacation. Before I wrote those lyrics, I had never acknowledged my true feelings before.

I dug deep into my heart to verbalize my pain.

My honest song lyrics gave me clarity about my readiness to face “the unknown.” But readiness did not immediately translate into courage. After I wrote my song, I agonized over my decision to get divorced after 31 years of marriage and four children.

If there was one lyric line that wasn’t completely true it would be: “Your heart is like stone.”

The truth was that it was my heart that was like stone. Both of us lived with coldness and accepted it for decades. One day, I decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore. In order to find my courage, I froze my heart even more because I couldn’t bear thinking of how much my decision was going to hurt my husband. I knew he would be completely bewildered by my drastic turn-around.

Having a heart “like stone” allowed me to cope with overwhelming isolation and sadness.

Writing this story was extremely painful because he and I never even discussed why I wanted to separate. Our communication was non-existent for years and years. When I finally was able to tell him that I wanted to end our marriage, there was little discussion other than how we would tell our children.

I was actually relieved because I did not want to feel his wrath.

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The front door of my former home. This picture was for a song cover on another song I named "The Door."

I am looking out the front door of my former home. This picture was for my song named “The Door.”

Below is my correspondence with Sam when I realized I wanted to end my marriage: (Sam’s words are in blue)

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Hi Sam, unfortunately, I thought my chest pain was going away. Because it got worse yesterday, I’m going to my doctor mid-morning today. Thanks for suggesting I be checked immediately.

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I wanted to share that I’ve finished composing a new song I’ve named “The Unknown.” The problem is I can’t share anything about it because the song is too personal. It is about my marriage and very sad. I can’t put it out there, but I will share it with you sometime.

Judy

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Well, us old boyfriends can come in handy! I’m glad that you are seeing your doctor…just ordering an x-ray usually doesn’t solve anything…it can be part of an evaluation, but shouldn’t be the entire evaluation.

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I know you like to share, but how will your husband feel when you put your new song out there? I don’t want to see you have to deal with new stress that you don’t really need to deal with right now…seems like you have plenty to worry about already…really think about it. Feel better!…Sam

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Hi Sam, your first line had me laughing on the floor; you are a handy old boyfriend!

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Hypnotherapy reminds me that perhaps my chest pain was brought on when I wrote the lyrics, “I feel my heart break.” It’s amazing how the mind can manifest physical symptoms.

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Don’t worry; I am not going to put my new song out there. For me, a song is a way that I can express myself to heal. Lots of songwriters write songs of projection and people wouldn’t think anything about it. But I don’t plan to perform my new song in public or put it on my blog until I feel ready.

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But in order to cope and feel less alone, I do share with friends. I have shared my song with a few close ones and it helps. But I feel horrible, like a traitor. It is quite hard. I don’t want to change my life at this moment and add stress. But the time is coming soon for me – It’s harder and harder to contain all of this.

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I appreciate your advice, as always. I just saw that you gave some medical advice to one of my good friends; that was very sweet and thoughtful of you.–

Judy

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Judy, one thing you always do well is to express yourself clearly. And not just in song. Have you talked with him about how you feel, or tried some couples counseling? I really think after 30 years (which almost no one gets to anymore) that you should make every effort to stay together…happily, of course…but as we both know, relationships take ongoing hard work and communication…its not good to retreat into separate corners if you can help it, because that usually just escalates everything.-

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I know from reading your blog that you are not getting everything you want out of your relationship, but have you asked for what you want? I know that you are spending a lot of time with your book, singing, and the blog, and these are great outlets for you, but please don’t let that time take away from your family relationships, which are so important…Sam

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Hi Sam, I think you deserve some explanation since you knew me well all those years ago and have also been following my writing and “renewal.” Mostly, my retreat is because I cannot stand being around the criticism and anger that my husband exudes. I’m not interested in trying to change his behavior because frankly, there has been no intimacy between us for a very long time. I have never slept with anyone else in my life. The part that has me suffering is how to tell him. I know it will turn his life upside down. I hate breakups, and I hated it back then with you, too!

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I figure I’ve suffered from far worse things in my life and this will be something I can manage with. There will be something better for me in the future. I am not afraid to be alone; I’m more terrified to think of any future relationships. I’ve made up my mind to face the unknown!

Judy

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Judy, I’m sorry…that must have been hard to share. You both have a lot of battle scars from all the difficulties you’ve been through…I would love to see you both give the other a break and see if you can make it work with professional help…a good counselor is much cheaper than an attorney, and from my friends I have always seen divorce take its toll on the two people involved, as well as their children. Obviously I’m supportive no matter what you do, and hope you choose the course that turns out best for you…Sam

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Sam, I appreciate your writing. It’s been a few years since I went with my husband to a counseling session. I remember well how different he would act in front of a counselor. The problem for me is some basic things that I over-looked for many years.

The fact that he doesn’t understand me is very sad. He’s a good person and deserves being with someone who would enjoy his company. I hate being around him. Everything he says is negative, I actually get sick to my stomach when he comes in the door. When I began writing, I used every ounce of my strength to only see the good things; thank God, because without that I’d never crawl out of my hole.

Honestly, I’ve had these feelings for awhile but when I put my words into a song it was so crystal clear that I believe that’s why I’m manifesting physical pain in my chest. Thanks for being so supportive and sharing your opinion and feelings. I hope it isn’t too awkward for you.

Judy

I feel badly for you…this must be the biggest stress that you have. I’m sure that it would be hard after years to reconnect…not impossible, but very hard. Just be careful with your timing…going through a divorce will overwhelm everything else that you are dealing with, and I don’t want to see the stress bring you down from the good place that you are at now…Sam

Thanks, Sam. Perhaps I was a zombie for years because I held it all in. I saw my father tonight and it was helpful for me to talk about things. Because he lived with me, he is completely supportive of me. I cry as I write this because I feel horrible for him to have the stress of this on him at this stage in his life. My father loves me so much and told me tonight how sorry he was that he allowed my mother to force my marriage early the way she did.

I suffered a lot from that and the very traumatic the things she said to me. I was very depressed in my 20’s and honestly thought that having kids would help.

I have worked miracles with my children out of love. You are right that a divorce could bring me down at the moment. I feel like such a traitor. But for years, I was numb and depressed. Now as I writer, I suddenly feel like the ceiling has been lifted from my life. The sky is limitless and life offers me so many possibilities that I never ever considered.

I thought it would be “until death do you part.” The truth is that I died inside and parted from him a long time ago.

I’m alive now and I have so much to look forward to! I love my life and appreciate every part of it. I hate to hurt him, but I pray that some day he will be happier too. He certainly isn’t happy with me.

Judy

I would really limit sharing of this issue with your friends…I’m sure he would be upset if he found out how you were feeling, and then things could suddenly spiral out of control for you…you don’t need that…don’t let your emotions take over on this…think very carefully, and if you are going to proceed go slowly and thoughtfully.

I know you feel that your song was an epiphany for you, but not every epiphany is correct, and we can all let emotion get the better of us…important not to do that here…this decision is simply too big…if there is any way that you can both can work this out (as hard as it might be), I think that you will both be better off. For now, before you jump through that window, take a step back, take a deep breath, and think one more time…Sam

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

This is a picture from my former life during a vacation. I worked so hard to give my children good memories. I hope they are able to let go of all the fighting.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged adjusting to divorce, changing your life, coping with divorce, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, gray divorce, impending divorce, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, original songs, separation, separation after a long marriage, separation and divorce, songwriting, the unknown | 2 Comments

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE – PART 2

Posted on August 25, 2013 by Judy

I picked this image as my song cover for “You’re Not the One,” because I love this picture. It was taken by one of my many boyfriends (not by Sam) when I was 18.

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

What we had I took away

There was nothing left at all anyway

You spoke of love, but that’s just a word

I can’t comprehend that line that I’ve heard before . . .

I’m sorry you’re hurt; I just couldn’t lie

I had empty feelings, and I don’t know why

We had to end it; I know it’s unfair

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to care for another

You demanded things I did not feel

I can’t express what is not real

The love you wanted wasn’t there

The pain you’ll just have to bear

Now that you’re gone I can say honestly

What we had is still special to me

I look back and remember the fun

But now I realize you’re not the one

You’re not the one for me

When this song was recorded, I was still learning to sing after 30 years of silence:

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Link to lyrics, more stories and recordings for YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.

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In December of 2009, my mother was recovering from surgery to repair her broken shoulder. I did not want her to have that surgery, but was pressured by doctors, my brother and my father into acquiescing. My mom was very susceptible to respiratory infections and had been coughing a lot the day before her surgery.

While I was visiting her, I could see she was having great difficulty breathing. Soon it became an emergency situation; she was intubated and put on a respirator. What followed was a horror. She had a tracheostomy a week later and was on a respirator for two months. There were few words to describe the day-to-day ordeal of watching her fight to live.

I truly dreaded waking up every morning to face my day.

I would go to the hospital to be with my mother and soothe her. When I wasn’t there, her hands were bound with restraints because otherwise she would pull out her tubes. In the evening, I’d leave the hospital, but often before I could go home I had to shop for food for my family. Because it was late, my husband and children stopped waiting for me to eat dinner with them.

I was completely overwhelmed by the unrelenting stress in my life.

Despite this difficult situation, there was one thing that I looked forward to doing: writing. Late at night, I sent email messages to family and friends who wanted to know about my mother’s condition. Those desperate messages I typed late at night were filled with honesty. Many of my friends told me how they were hanging on my words. I barely ever saw my husband and because he disliked reading he didn’t want me to send him any updates.

It was then when I realized how lonely I was and how much I loved writing.

Miraculously, after two months my mother was weaned off the respirator and released from the hospital into a skilled nursing facility. She never went back to assisted living and was separated from my father. In retrospect, I see how her dementia accelerated after this ordeal.

Gradually I was able to get back to a semblance of my former existence. But something had changed for me; I had discovered how comforting it was for me to express my feelings by writing.

In February of 2010, I created this blog and my fabulous journey of insight began!

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Mom with Trach

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During the time that my mother was on a respirator, I shared my email messages freely. It was probably because I felt so isolated and lonely; the support I received really fueled me. More and more I opened up to share my honest feelings. On one of my messages I mentioned how I was a songwriter before I was married.

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My childhood friend, Joni asked me why I wasn’t playing my guitar anymore. She remembered how much I had loved playing while in high school and offered to introduce me to a Grammy-winning music producer she knew.

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With that incentive, I picked up my guitar and began to play again after 30 years. The more I sang and played my guitar, the more my life began to change.

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This is a charcoal drawing from my college days. I played classical guitar back then.

This charcoal drawing is from my college days when I played classical guitar.

One of the most interesting parts of my journey has been how I’ve reconnected with many people from my past.

As a result of updating a former neighbor from my childhood, I was reunited with her son, Steve. He was my childhood playmate and ended up helping me tremendously with music recording. I was so fortunate to have reconnected with him.

Once my blog and life story were out on the Internet, many people from my past began to pop back into my life.

Probably the most beautiful story of all is how I re-established a wonderful friendship with my former high school boyfriend, whom I will refer to as “Dr. Sam.”

I met Sam in high school, when I was 15 years old. It was sweet how we both attended each other’s high school prom; he was two years older than I.

Sam and I dated on and off for four years. When we were “off,” it was strictly a result of my pushing him away. Sam was patient with me, even though I was fickle and kept breaking up with him. But after four years, our break-up became final. I had told both him and my future husband that I would spend New Year’s Eve with them. I was forced to choose.

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I picked this image as my song cover for “You’re Not the One,” because I love this picture. It was taken by one of my many boyfriends (not by Sam) when I was 18.

Not long after that, Sam began dating and later on was engaged to a good friend of mine. Her name was Carol and I lost touch with both of them.

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I actually reunited with Carol and it’s been delightful. She did not marry Sam and he gave me information to find her.

Back in 1975 when I first met Sam, I had just started learning how to play the guitar. After our final break up I wrote my very first original song, which I named, “You’re Not the One.”

He never heard my song back then, but he has now!

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I was always a little embarrassed by “You’re Not the One.” Recently, when I sang a new vocal I was reminded of my anguish over hurting such a nice guy. Clearly, I was unsure about what I wanted and felt pressured to find “the one.”

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It’s interesting how I treated my future husband much the way I did Sam. I broke up with him also after feeling pressured. During that time period, I wrote my song “Saying Goodbye.”

But eventually I reunited with my future husband and decided he was “the one.”

I married when I was twenty-one and until this year I never lived on my own.

I am certain I was far too young to have gotten married. At that time in my life, I didn’t see any other options. My parents discouraged me from living on my own because it was something “good girls” didn’t do. I couldn’t imagine challenging them.

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Pictures from family vacations remind me of how secure I felt growing up.

As I cope with separation and divorce, memories are triggered because I live in the same apartment where I grew up.

My childhood home is once again a “cocoon.” I often picture my mother cooking in the kitchen and can even smell those delicious aromas in my mind. I sleep in the same bed where my parents’ once slept; I used to wake them up with frequent nightmares as a child and can picture myself shaking my mother awake. I still hear my father’s voice correcting my grammar and telling me to stand up straight and not chew on ice.

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And almost every day, I walk right near the high school where Sam and I used to stroll hand in hand.

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I realize that I had no idea what it meant to find “the one.”

My husband captured my heart especially because he loved my music when we were dating. Once we were married, I stopped playing my guitar.

I felt a lot of pressure to succeed as an artist. The story I told myself was that I needed to choose between art and music. I did succeed in establishing myself as a commercial artist. My career became my “baby” and I didn’t really think I wanted children.

But seven years after I was married, I decided perhaps it was time for me to become a mother. I was not happy, but did not examine my marriage. I had my first child and went into survival mode because he was sickly. Jason had a severe congenital heart defect and died when he was five.

For another two decades, I became a tireless advocate for all three of my other children because they required it. I fought the school district to get them the help they needed.

Through all of that, I stayed married when the odds were against it.

I stuck with my decision for 31 years and celebrate the beautiful children that my husband and I created together.

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My musical journey began with my attempt to remember every song that I wrote prior to the age of 21. As I recorded those songs, I expanded many of them by adding new verses, choruses and lyrics.

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For “You’re Not The One,” I did not change one word.

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I arranged and recorded the “very first song I ever wrote” in October of 2010. I posted it to my blog and wrote about my high school boyfriend. I put pictures of us with the story, but covered Sam’s face with a big heart.

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Prom Pic Boyfriend A

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It was about a month later when I received a comment on that story. It was from Sam. I was in shock!

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We began emailing to share about our lives after over thirty years. I wrote a story about our reunion on this blog.

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Below are links to stories about our reunion:

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#148 I REMEMBER THE FUN

#152 WHAT WE HAD IS STILL SPECIAL TO ME

#164 FADING THROUGH PASSAGES OF MY LIFE

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It has been almost three years since our reconnecting.

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I have only physically met Sam twice. The first time was when I invited him and his wife to my home and wrote my reunion story. The second time was when my mother broke her hip and he came to the hospital to offer me advice and support.

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Sam is not only a successful physician; he is the head of the American Medical Association of Southern California.

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I must say that it has been a godsend to have such a compassionate and terrific doctor as my friend. Sam has been extremely kind to friends of mine by giving advice and coming to their rescue. He is happily married with four wonderful children. When I met his wife, I was very impressed with her. She was beautiful and kind.

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Sam is a practicing Orthodox Jew and has strong viewpoints. I appreciate our dialogs because it has forced me to clarify my feelings in order to explain things to him. I wrote a lot more about grief than I ever expected to in order to answer his questions. Many times, he has triggered intense reactions from me.

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I wrote this post for two reasons. One reason is because last week I recorded a new vocal for my song “You’re Not the One.”

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The other reason is that I am ready to start sharing more of my feelings related to why I chose to get divorced and start a new life.

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On my next post, I plan to share an email dialog with Sam when I told him I was planning to leave my husband.

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Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, Advocacy, Aging Parents, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, facing divorce, facing divorce after a long marriage, Friendship, gray divorce, guitar, high school memories, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, reconnecting, respirator weaning, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, writing | Leave a comment

MY SONG GARDEN

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Judy

I am a passionate songwriter.

I love expressing myself with words, and writing about my life has healed so much of my pain. For some reason, by sharing my intimate feelings I feel connected to other people. I am never lonely anymore.

But songwriting takes me far beyond words, because adding them to beautiful music is magnificent.

Currently, I am writing a new song. It truly is like a “birth,” because my song has a life of it’s own. As the words and music are slowly revealed to me, I dream about how it might sound arranged. The process of cultivating and growing a new “song seed” to add to my song garden, simply adds more perfume and color into my inspirational life.

A few weeks ago, I could hum and play only one verse. Just last week, the lyrics and melody for the chorus began to develop. Throughout my day, I hum that melody and dance along with it. The excitement in my life has been building because my new song is blooming around me.

Just for fun, I recorded the first two verses while playing my guitar for a good friend.

Click the blue link below to play audio:

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A RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS – IN PROGRESS

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One way that I love to describe myself is that I am a “song gardener.”

What I love about my current existence is the freedom I have given myself to be that gardener.

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I’m not in any hurry to have my garden trampled in order for my songs to be more “commercial.” This garden is mine to enjoy, though I do love sharing it and my songs can freely be heard on my blog.

The difference is that I’m not sharing a “final product” but instead am opening my heart to the world. Every post, leads to a song in some way. This glorious process of songwriting and healing has become my new life and my blog documents how my songs have unfolded.

In the past, I might have told myself that singing and songwriting was a waste of time; it was “frivolous.” But I feel financially stable since my divorce and am also working as an artist. When I received another large illustration assignment this week, I took that as a sign from God that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Following my dream is most certainly possible for me and that is why I am so happy!

Trust me, in order to cultivate my “song seeds” into lovely flowers there was a lot for me to learn. In the last three years, I’ve become adept at music editing and have worked hard to improve my singing voice after not using it for over thirty years. (Hint: I never considered myself to be a good singer when I was young.)

So that is why it is amazing for me now – I love singing and hearing my own voice. I am far less anxious about performing and look forward to sharing my journey publicly through speaking and singing more and more. During those performances I plan to talk about grief and healing.

Writing about my “song garden” really helped me gain clarity. For many months now, I was not enjoying the beautiful flowers blooming in my song garden.

I realize now that it was because I was digging and hoeing, removing dead petals, wilted leaves and unwanted pests. I wasn’t seeing color or smelling the aromas; I saw only the flaws in my garden. Many of my earlier song recordings had crackles and buzzes on a few tracks. Although I wanted a manicured and perfect garden and was proud of my ability to create it, the entire process became an exhausting job.

When I was focused on fixing every minute flaw, all of my creative energy was sapped.

The reason a song garden is such a wonderful metaphor for me is because it relates to something I also discovered as an artist. I loved painting flowers over man-made objects because they were imperfect and organic. So now I’ve decided that there’s nothing wrong with my music being a wild garden that flourishes with new blossoms every day.

Sometimes I have encountered strong opinions from others about what my songs require. It has been challenging for me to balance those opinions, because I’ve never considered myself to be an expert musician.

But now that I have become a seasoned song gardener, I’ve begun to follow my own intuition more and more and it feels great! There is no perfect way to sell my song CD.

There is just whatever way I want to do it – I get to choose! When I’m ready, I will. I’m in no hurry.

I plan to continue recording vocals, creating new arrangements and writing new songs. As I finish songs, I always update my two song pages, which are links that are on the right side of my blog. Clicking on “JUDY’S MUSIC COMPLETE,” goes to a page where I always have a date next to each song mix.

I love my life and celebrate the peace that comes with following my heart.

Lyrics and music surround me on this wondrous journey my life has become.

I share a glimpse into my life as a songwriter. These are “lyrics in progress” for my newest song.

This is one of my favorite paintings.

MY SONG GARDEN

When I was a very young child, I composed melodies to express how much I loved my mom.

I learned how to play the guitar at the age of fifteen. The sweet notes of my guitar were captivating. I discovered I could channel all of my feelings into a song; the process was magical.

Singing sad songs soothed my emptiness. Songs that were joyous lifted me higher than the heavens.

I had no idea, but it was then when my song garden began to grow.

With music, life was incredibly beautiful. Every experience became a song.

Some of my songs expressed things I hadn’t yet experienced but imagined I would.

The prophecies of those song lyrics were nothing short of remarkable.

I sang about love and eventually I fell in love. My future mate adored listening to my songs and for that reason I loved him even more. Up until the day we were married, I carried my guitar everywhere and sang to him.

After we were married, I stopped singing my songs. I decided that my energy needed to be directed toward living a mature life. My mind was full of grown up visions and there was no longer room in my life for a song garden as an adult.

The truth was that I no longer had any emotions with which to grow songs.

I denied my true feelings and disconnected myself from my heart. I did not express anger. I could not feel joy.

I simply dedicated myself to becoming a great illustrator in order to make money. After seven years of dullness, I went on to have children and realize now that perhaps it was to fill my void. Every child of mine was a miracle. I deeply loved them and never looked back.

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I consider all of my children to be miracles.

So my garden was relegated to memories of a young girl. The songs that had once bloomed and flourished became barren and their melodies disappeared into the wind.

The years went by . . .

As an adult, I carried scars from the ravages of unbearable grief. I had little time for memories; I was weary of life and grateful that I rarely cried like I did when my child first died.

I refused to face that truth, or admit that my “mature life” had been so unsatisfying. Instead, I lived through the joy that I saw in my children. They became my life force.

I was numb. Memories of my joy as a young girl were extremely sad because it was a reminder that the best part of my life was over.

One day, I was so tired of holding all of my emotions inside and feeling discouraged about life. Gradually, I allowed myself to feel and to remember.

I began to release the pain inside my heart.

At first, I was afraid, but then I simply let go of fear. There was nothing to lose and I decided to give myself permission to be happy.

The memories of music gently whispered to me and I wondered if I could remember any of the songs that used to give me so much pleasure.

I often noticed the dusty guitar case in my closet. My guitar was like a long-lost friend that I never wanted to let go of, even though we hadn’t touched in many, many years.

With curiosity, I decided to open the case and see what I could remember.

Holding my guitar again was comfortable and familiar. At first, there was pain as I played it. But as the memory of chords came into my fingertips, I easily ignored the pain.

Suddenly, I felt emotion swelling inside of me; sadness began to dissipate. I was overwhelmed with enthusiasm and filled with disbelief.

My songs had not died!

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Playing my guitar at the age of 15.

My youthful song garden was wild, tangled and always blooming. I could easily remember how I danced through my garden and sang freely as a young girl.

My adult song garden was sparse and barren for decades. The moment I began to play my guitar again, I was determined to restore it.

Because I was an older woman, I had maturity and new emotions to express.

Now I could cultivate my garden in a spectacular way. I carefully dug to search for every song seed I could find. Every ounce of pain in my life (a euphemism for “crap”) became my fertilizer. I gently grew each one of those song seeds and watched my songs explode into radiant blooms.

My adult song garden became a bountiful paradise. The song seeds from decades earlier bloomed in ways I never could have imagined. All of my pain was healed by the garden I surrounded myself with and my life was transformed.

Although I had been married for decades to the same man I fell in love with as a young girl, we were strangers. It was too lonely for me to continue to live that way. My music gave me courage to know that it would be far better to live alone. Living with him kept my heart closed with a complete denial of my true feelings.

It was because of my songs that I learned my true feelings.

I followed my own song lyrics and changed the course of my life.

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My new life was filled with passion and it even caused me to find faith in God.

God wanted me to share my garden with the world. I took my task seriously and devoted myself to it with every ounce of my being. There were no coincidences for me, because wonderful people appeared in my life in order to help my garden grow.

I hoped I could help other people heal by sharing the beauty of my garden.

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However, there were many times when my life became challenging. It was not possible to always be joyous. I watched my father die and my mother fade with dementia. I chose to end my marriage after 31 years.

But when I was filled with sadness, my songs always comforted me. If I fell down, my songs lifted me up.

Every song that I planted was healing and inspiring because the lyrics and music perfectly fit my life. The sweet perfume of song melodies and the magic of my garden sustained me.

My songs were filled with love. I danced through my life hearing music and was grateful to God for blessing me with such a beautiful gift.

I knew I was the richest woman in the world.

I freely share CDs of my music and stories. This lovely note came back to me from a fellow blogger in Canada. The line that gives me so much pleasure is: “Your voice is very pure.”

I freely share CDs of my music and stories. This lovely note came back to me from a fellow blogger in Canada. The line that gives me the most pleasure is: “Your voice is very pure.” Her letter was four pages long.

Transcription:

I found myself reading and re-reading your letter. I cannot for a moment pretend to understand what you experienced as a result of Jason’s death or the time that followed. I believe one of the greatest tragedies of life is when a child passes before their parents. It’s unimaginable to me – the raw pain. Yet, here you are – reaching out to me to ease my illness – your strength is incredible! Further, in coping with caring for your mom after you had already experienced so much grief – is beyond my comprehension.

I am thankful you began to write about your experiences. In doing so, even inadvertently, you can touch so many and bring healing, understanding and so much more to their lives.

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Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, composing, composing music, creativity, god and music, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing from grief, healing music, inspiration, inspirational life, intimate feelings, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, music healing, musical arrangements, musical comfort, musical inspiration, musical rediscovery, musician, new vocal, original songs, passion for music, seashell, singing, song garden, songwriter, songwriting, words and music, writing | 4 Comments

MUSIC FROM MY HEART

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Judy

MUSIC FROM MY HEART

One day, I began to play

Silence turned to song; it was the start

All my sadness went away and I was healed

With music from my heart, from my heart

I thought I’d always mourn, trauma from my past

And when I was reborn, healing came at last

So many tears I’d cry, I did grieve

So many years went by, I didn’t believe

Sorrow would leave . . .

When I began to write, I felt so alive

I found my insight; I didn’t just survive

I sang and my tears dried, no one guessed

About my pain inside, I expressed

I was blessed . . .

With grief there was no sound; and it would seem

Joy I had finally found; hope became my theme

Now I could dream . . .

I was sad for so long; now my world was filled with song,

That day, I began to play silence turned to song

It was the start; all my sadness went away

And I was healed with music from my heart

The music from my heart

Click the blue link below to play audio:

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Music From My Heart #2 Arrangement 2013

Music From Her Heart #1 Arrangement 2011

Below is a link to Part 1 of this story:

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#223 MUSIC FROM HER HEART

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I recorded vocals for “Music From Her Heart” two months ago. At the same time, I began working on a new arrangement where my song lyrics would change into first person.

Switching from singing in third person to first person was very significant for me.

In order to explain some of my feelings surrounding this I wrote a parable, which is at the end of this post.

I’ve noticed that I’m thinking less about my technique since I recorded that vocal. When I sang it two months ago, I was very distraught about my eyesight condition due to vitreous detachment in both my eyes. Someday, I plan to record this song again and sing it with more joy and abandon.

It seems that as a result of my Ayahuasca experience, I am much calmer and more accepting about life. I’ve noticed that I’m enjoying singing more because I’ve removed a lot of pressure. It was a difficult decision for me to halt my voice lessons, but for now I see some benefits. Certainly, what I learned with my teacher, Kimberly Haynes completely changed my voice. I was blessed to find her and plan to continue implementing what she taught me.

Another change since my life-changing weekend retreat is that I’ve decided to divorce myself from food (funny for me to use the word divorce, but that’s what it feels like!). It has been a lifelong struggle for me to maintain a comfortable weight and the feeling of being out of control has wasted so much of my energy. I am grateful that since my healing weekend, something has shifted and I’m much more aware of the benefits of “eating lightly.” It’s working for me, and weight is started to drop off. I am quite used to comforting and numbing myself with food. In the past, I took care of myself that way but I see my new approach as far more loving.

I’ve decided that my time on earth is very precious and this truly is the best time in my life. Despite the challenge of adjusting to irritating eyesight, because of music my life is beautiful and inspirational beyond measure.

I wake up every day feeling blessed and love following my dream.

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In this picture, I am with my childhood friend, Joni.

“Spa Day”

Two weeks ago, I spent the day with my childhood friend, Joni. She drove us to visit her elderly mother who lived an hour away. There was a lot of traffic, but the time flew by as my good friend and I caught up on our lives.

Joni and I had many memories from our childhood and so many of them returned because I was living in same coop where we grew up. Joni lived in an adjacent unit and we occasionally played together from the time we were toddlers until I married when I was 20. After that we stayed in touch, but often didn’t talk for years.

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This picture of Joni and I on our high school graduation day was taken on the same walkway outside the coop where I now live.

This picture of Joni and I before our high school graduation day was taken on the same walkway outside the coop where I now live.

A lot of frustration for us as children related to the fact that Joni was seldom ever allowed to play. She was required to work in her parents’ dry-cleaning store every day after school.

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Joni was like a member of my family. She was very influenced by the observance of religion in my home and she is now far more religious than my own family was. There was no doubt about how close she was to my parents and she often visited my mother at her nursing home.

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My best memories with Joni were on family vacations. She was a part of my family.

I had hardly seen Joni’s mother in over thirty years and decided to make the time to go with Joni for a visit. It would be interesting to see this woman, who I viewed as so powerful and business driven when I was growing up.

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I knew Joni carried a lot of scars from her childhood, but it wasn’t visible that day. Our time visiting her mother was really beautiful to absorb. Her mother was docile and sweet; both were extremely loving to each other.

We spent the day at a beauty school. The treatments were fairly inexpensive and while Joni’s mother was getting her hair done, Joni and I had facials and manicures. I was truly in a reverie because I seldom took a break from all my passions. It was so relaxing.

The beauty students were gracious and enthusiastic and I could tell that everyone around us were touched by the stories Joni and I shared about our lives; there was something inspirational about us being together. After my facial, many people came over to tell me I was glowing.

I certainly was.

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Spa day with Joni

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After eating dinner with her mother, it was late and time to head home. There was traffic again and both of us were tired. I asked Joni if I could sing because it would be excellent practice for me. She said she would be delighted, so I plugged my iPod into a speaker and began singing along to many karaoke versions of my songs.

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It was so beautiful that Joni knew the lyrics to my songs and sang along with me!

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Our drive was magical and went by quickly. Joni told me that my singing aloud meant more to her than I could ever imagine.

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It was completely inspired because I never imagined us being grown ups together in this way!

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This picture was taken in the dressing room shortly before my wedding.

I Became the Princess

The Princess treasured her fairy named Melody. Melody was close to her and snuggled next to her pillow every night. She whispered in the Princess’s ear and dried each and every one of her tears.

Melody noticed the Princess was regaining her strength. She was beginning to open her eyes again and there were fewer tears. Melody was relieved. Although the “spider of sadness” spun webs around them, the Princess continued to gingerly brush the webs aside.

Nothing had really changed for the Princess with her eyesight; the difference was that she began to accept her condition. Music kept her joyful, so she focused all her energy upon that. Singing was actually a perfect expression for her. Over the last three decades she hadn’t been able to find her voice. Now that she had discovered it, there was complete joy for her with singing.

It inspired the Princess to write a parable describing how she saw her music as a beautiful “song garden.”

The Princess told Melody that after she finished writing her parable, it felt as if the story belonged to someone else. With seriousness, she told Melody, “I cannot write about the Princess any longer.”

Melody understood and the Princess was clear about her reasons.

For decades she had no voice, but she did now. She learned how to connect with her vocal cords and with her honest feelings.

The Princess told Melody that when she first separated it was difficult to write about the end of her marriage. Imagining her ex-husband as a Dragon was far easier. She felt uncomfortable with her honesty, so it felt safer writing from a distance by using “she” instead of “I.”

But now, the Princess knew she was safely away from the Dragon and proud that she had come so far. He had fathered their beautiful children and there were many memories, not all sad ones.

He was only a dragon when she carried emotions that weighed her down. Releasing fear, anger and guilt freed her. She had gone through a tunnel and had emerged into sunlight.

Now she could bid him farewell.

She was completely ready to let go of being a Princess. It never felt true because she had served her husband, her parents and her children for decades. Cinderella might have been a more accurate image, except she never expected a prince would come to rescue her.

She was simply an ordinary middle-aged woman who embraced her passion and found courage.

She thanked God every single day that it wasn’t too late to turn her life around.

Now she was lighter than a feather and felt herself lifting off the ground.

Melody would be her wings now.

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