myjourneysinsight

MISUNDERSTOOD-PART 1

Posted on August 19, 2014 by Judy

This floral painting of mine was created using black and white watercolors. I am trying to get away from seeing things in black and white, which is my metaphor for extreme thinking. When I expand my mind, I’ve discovered beautiful new shades of tonality.

Click the blue link to hear my song:

Misunderstood Acoustic 7-20-18

Misunderstood Guitar & Piano

For recordings, performances and more about this song: MISUNDERSTOOD

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MISUNDERSTOOD

You won’t forgive me for that argument

Those words you heard I never meant

Your wounds are raw; too hurt to move on

You say your trust is gone

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I know you’re hurt; I wish you knew

Nothing can change my love for you

You pretend that you’re okay

But this chill won’t go away

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Misunderstood, left with regret

Painful words you can’t forget

I’d take them back, if I only could

‘cause now I’m left misunderstood

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The walls you’ve built protect you now

I want to tear them down somehow

Misunderstood, left with regret

Painful words you can’t forget

I’d take them back, if I only could

Instead I’m left misunderstood

My lyrics in progress are always very revealing. I share my lyric drafts even with areas of words scratched out.

I share my lyric drafts, including areas of words scratched out.

Less than two months ago, I wrote about how I transform my emotions into a song. It is something I do unconsciously and is such a blessing to my life.

I must thank my arranger, George for inspiring me to create my newest song “Misunderstood.” It was his encouragement that truly helped birth this song.

I had come to one of our sessions feeling very depressed. I told him how I had gotten into a horrible fight with my oldest son a few days before. George was sympathetic and told me to express my feelings by writing a song – he even suggested that I name it “Misunderstood.”

I happened to have discovered four beautiful chords on my guitar the day before. I shared them with George and he began to play them on his piano. Instantly, my heart was grabbed with the excitement that every passionate songwriter knows. My glorious new song was emerging!

I know you're hurt

It took us several sessions to create an arrangement for this song. Even though it didn’t have lyrics, it wasn’t long before I found the words. I tried to “compose” a beautiful melody but it seemed to have a mind of it’s own. Even when I found what might have been a “better” choice, I sang whatever melody came out of my mouth.

Originally I wanted to sound like Barry Manilow with a modulated last chorus. But I lost my connection to the song, so the electric guitar and drums had to go. George erased the solo/last chorus and we created something else.

George also directed me while recording harmony. I love the harmony on this song because it makes the song even more emotional for me.

Singing is such a pure form of expression. I sang the high notes for the last chorus because it felt like what I needed to do in order to release my pain.

We can't undo

B & W Half Lilly B

My son has no idea that I wrote this song. What emerged from our conflict were many feelings related to the divorce that had been suppressed. Even though the chill between us has subsided, his wariness and my regret have exhausted me.

Perhaps that is why my song is so comforting. It transforms my painful situation into something exquisitely beautiful. I can express my regret in a different way, instead of bending over backward to prepare his favorite foods.

Below are more scrawled words of my lyrics in progress for this song. My very first page began as a way to express feelings without concerning myself with rhyming. Those lyrics in progress are intimate and revealing.

It seems like sharing here is the antithesis of being misunderstood.

I feel understood now.

Tagged acoustic guitar, an argument, arranging a song, arranging music, artist, beautiful music, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, healing music, hopeful and optimistic, inspiration, Judy Unger, left misunderstood, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, misunderstanding, misunderstood, Music, music and inspiration, musical arrangement, musical comfort, musical inspiration, musical rediscovery, optimism, original songs, passionate songwriter, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, too hurt to move on, trust is gone, words I never meant, writing, you won't forgive me | 4 Comments

I HOLD ON

Posted on August 16, 2014 by Judy

Last week, I corresponded with a lovely woman in Denmark who found my blog. She sent me this remarkable photo of a butterfly that landed on her windowsill. I will share some of our emails at the end of this post.

Last week, I corresponded with a lovely woman in Europe who found my blog on the Internet. She sent me this remarkable photo of a butterfly that landed on her windowsill. I will share some of our emails later in this post.

This post title is a line of lyrics from my song “Somewhere I Can’t See.” The wisdom in my song begins with the very first line of:

Everything that I have gone through led me to this place

I like to believe that what makes me a touching songwriter is my ability to use my life experiences – good and bad – as an ingredient for my songs. The inspired place where I want to be is one that was reached because of all the challenges I’ve gone through in my life.

I recently finished a new vocal for “Somewhere I Can’t See.” It has beautiful harmony and the lyrics profoundly speak to me about my life. Here is a link to hear and read more about this song:

Story behind SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE

“Somewhere I Can’t See” has two interchangeable lines on the chorus that cause me to cry. They are:

I hold on – to love that’s in my memory

I hold on – to the love that heals me

I named this post “I Hold On” because it refers to several things. I am holding on to hope of finding relief for the physical discomfort caused by my dry eye condition. It has been almost two years since my eye problems began in 2012.

And to help myself feel better, I hold on to memories of how I once felt adored in my life – cherished by my parents and even by my former husband. Even though it was my choice to divorce after a long marriage, I am still experiencing a lot of grief.

Last week I was blessed to receive another assignment from Tillamook. I’m going to be illustrating ice cream sandwiches. In that photo of a box above, are sandwiches made especially for me. They were shipped in that box with dry ice. I was amazed how they didn’t melt sitting at my door for several hours until I got home.

I’m going to be illustrating 4 packages of ice cream sandwiches for Tillamook. Inside that box, were several ice-cream sandwiches made especially for me (they were shipped with dry ice). I was amazed how they didn’t melt sitting at my door for several hours until I got home.

Last week, it was very uplifting when I received a new illustration assignment. It looks like I’ve held on to my art career after all!

But what really helped me was a wonderful exchange with a lovely artist/guitarist named Sarah. Her words were a beautiful sign to remind me how inspiring my journey truly is.

I now want to share excerpts of our correspondence below: (Her words are in blue)

Hi Judy,

I cannot stop looking at your artwork. Have you ever been to Europe? You are welcome to come and visit me! I do not know you, but I feel like I know you through your art.

Hi Sarah, I’ve never been to Europe. Your generous offer touches me deeply. You don’t even know me! I will look forward to meeting you someday. I’m glad you love art. I feel that way about music. 🙂

Dear Judy,

Yes, you are very welcome to come and visit me. I would like to show you my beautiful country.

I moved here about 1 year ago, because I wanted to live in nature and away from the big city. Where I live is absolutely beautiful with a wonderful lake, forest and beautiful culture. AND YOU ARE WELCOME!

Have a good day, Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I love hearing about where you live. I haven’t really travelled much. I often imagine going to Europe – it fascinates me. Of course, if I visited you our language differences might be frustrating! But music and art are a universal language.

It’s interesting that you see my art as who I am, whereas I feel much more defined by my music. My music tells stories about my life and my singing voice is my fullest expression. To me, my art is something that represents the “ideal,” without any emotion in it. But I’m touched that my art moves you.

I don’t think I’ll be traveling to Europe soon, but I’ll save your email and keep it in mind for the future someday. Thanks for writing.

Judy

Dear Judy,

Thank you for your letter, which made me really happy. I’m glad to hear that you use your music to express your feelings, because it is the meaning of music for me.

You might think there is not much emotion in your art, but I can tell you that when I saw your artwork I was immediately in a magic place. I found myself suddenly in the middle of a fairytale. Therefore, can I allow myself to say that I know you through your art?

I am otherwise very critical and it’s not easy to impress me, but when I am touched and someone makes a difference to me, I want to let them know.

My door will always be open to you and have a nice weekend!

Sincerely, Sarah

I appreciate how you’ve opened the door for me. And I even have a song named “The Door!”

Best of luck, Judy

Dear Judy,

I listened to your song “Beside Me Always.” I heard the song again and again and I cry and cry and feel the Universe in your heart; your pain is huge.

I am so sorry about what happened to your son, Jason, because he left you so early. It is a great tragedy when parents have to bury their own children – I do not think that any pain can be greater. I’M SO SORRY, BECAUSE OF YOUR SON!

Many people might say: “It was 22 years ago and time heals all sorrow,” but I know that you feel it as if it happened yesterday. Why? Because I know the pain in your heart hurts and it NEVER goes completely away!

I understand that you express your feelings through the music – YOU DO IT VERY WELL, BECAUSE YOU MADE MY CRY. I COULD FEEL YOUR LOVE TO YOUR SON IN YOUR SONG – I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT YOUR SON IS PROUD OF YOU!

I’d like to send you a little package soon, so you get a taste from here. Sincerely, Sarah

I just savored your message, Sarah. When I get a message like yours, it is such fuel for my journey and where I want to go with my message and music.

Of course, I remember the anguish of losing my beloved child – that will never go away. But the pain has eased and I really believe in sharing my hope of healing. When I sing, I release all of my pain. To connect my music to another person far across the globe is such a wonderful thing to treasure.

So I thank you!!! As far as tasting your food – I couldn’t refuse that. But I also hope you’ll allow me to share a CD of my music with you, too! Have a wonderful day.

Judy

Dear Judy,

Thank you so much for your courtesy and your kindness!

My English is so bad, because I’ve never read it in school! I learned only Russian throughout all school years (because I come from a communist country). Therefore, I am so glad that you can understand when I write something, because I know that I express myself miserably in English. Thank you for understanding!

Thank you so much because you want to share your CD with me, it is a great honor for me, and I look forward to it, thank you! I walked around my apartment and then I found myself singing your songs!

J U D Y! You are amazing!

My door will always be open to you! And I am also pleased to hear the song if it is on CD.

Sarah

Sarah, your English seems to be working fine to me. Don’t put yourself down. It’s amazing how you have expressed yourself so beautifully in ways that go beyond language. 🙂

It’s sweet of you to mail me something from your country. It will really entice me to visit you. I would suggest you only mail light things; nothing heavy is necessary.

Good luck with all that you do, Sarah. Stay well and thank you for giving me a big smile. I love imagining you singing my songs. I can share chords with you if you’d like, since I know you also play guitar.

Judy

Dear Judy,

While I sat here and wrote an email to you today, a giant butterfly flew in through the window. I hurried to take a picture with my IPhone. See how nice it is!

I believe it is a message from the sky to you and me – I saw a butterfly like it on your Youtube video, as I was listening to your music. It was such a fantastic experience.

Sarah

Wow! Sarah, that is so strange. I was just working on an image of a butterfly to add to my blog. It’s not the exact same one – but it’s incredibly coincidental.

Judy, Oh … my … God! It’s incredible! Is it really possible that this is happening? WOW!

I am quite touched, because when the butterfly flew into my room, I could feel “something special in the air” – something divine, and I got up from the E-mail I was going to write to you and took a picture. It was a very special experience … and then you write that you were going to paint a butterfly, which looked very much like the one that came to visit me 🙂

I am sending a picture of the butterfly! Please, look only at the butterfly and not at my unwashed windows :)))

I am very happy now!

THANK YOU FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY, JUDY!

Love, Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Yesterday was a special day in many ways. First of all, your messages touched me deeply.

Then in the afternoon I received a very large art assignment that took me by surprise. I thought my career as an illustrator was over because I didn’t have much work for years. But now that I’ve gotten divorced and could really use the income, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful client named Tillamook. They always are wonderful to work with. I’m going to be illustrating ice cream sandwiches for them.

I hope you’re having a nice day. Thank you again for all of those beautiful butterfly pictures.

Take care,

Judy

Dear Judy,

Thank you for your letter, which makes me happy. I am so glad to hear that you’ve got some work. I know it is not easy when you are divorced. I have been divorced since 2004 and know how hard it is to pay all the costs alone.

What a good sign you got with the butterfly – it was quite unique, wasn’t it? I’ve never seen a bigger and more beautiful butterfly in my life! And it flew into my room while I wrote to you – it is so obvious that it was for you! I am so grateful to heaven, to give us signs all the time. Thank you, Lord! And thank you, Judy, for you’ve made my life richer and you’ve made me happy with your art and music.

I like to listen to your songs when you sing and play all alone, without any other music. That way I am not distracted by other tones; I concentrate only on your guitar and your voice. Every time I hear you sing, I cry … when I listened to your song with other instruments, I had goose bumps, but I did not cry because I could not get into the depth of your heart. I was distracted by the other music!

I love your seashell song, it is so beautiful … I feel like going to the beach so I can put my feet in the sand, listen to the sea and sing your songs while I look at the sun going down … my fantasy! I look forward to hearing from you again.

All the best, Sarah

© 2014 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, bitterness, blessings, child's death, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, Denmark, expressing feelings, Friendship, god and music, gray divorce, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing from grief, healing music, holding on to hope, hope of healing, I hold on, I won't drown in misery, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love heals, love rescues me, Love that heals me, Love that rescues me, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, misery, Music, Music and recording, music poetry, musical inspiration, musical passion, original songs, overcoming grief, passion for music, performing, recording music, rediscovery, singing, Somewhere I can't see, Song of Joy, songs about love, songwriting, staying positive, Tillamook, writing, You're not gone | 1 Comment

NO ORDINARY PRINCESS – PART 3

Posted on August 12, 2014 by Judy

I share my “castle” with my two sons. I’m glad my youngest son put up this sign after breaking a jar, but he could have done a better job sweeping up the glass.

At the age of 54, I am navigating a new life as a single woman.

I live in the same two-bedroom coop where I grew up and both of my parents passed away in the last few years. I moved here shortly after I separated from my husband in 2012. I was married for 31 years and my divorce only became final a few months ago.

At one point, all three of my children lived with me. There were definitely challenges having one bathroom, which was something I dealt with when I was growing up. For my children it was a little more challenging since their former home had four bathrooms.

My two sons who live with me are 17 and 23. My 20-year-old daughter moved out to live with friends six months ago and thankfully, we are still very close.

It was a huge adjustment for my children when I separated from my former husband. Now that two years have passed, I’ve seen a lot of progress toward healing for them. But occasionally there have been setbacks and difficult moments.

Anger was an emotion that was taboo for me – in my marriage and while growing up. Sometimes, I’ve felt underlying anger from my children because I hurt their father. All of this has been painful.

With my divorce, I was the “perpetrator” and my husband was the “victim.” I carry guilt because I knew my husband had no idea that I would end our marriage after so many years.

My children are not interested in much of what I’m doing and as far as I can tell, that’s pretty typical of kids their age. Yet many times my children have expressed that they hate my music and writing because it caused me to leave their father.

And if my children knew that I called myself a Princess and their father a Dragon – it might upset them even more!

My illustrations adorn all of the Del Monte pickle jars. I’m only sharing this because my son broke a jar of them in the kitchen.

I’ve tried to be the “Queen of the Castle” where I am.

A few months ago when I felt overwhelmed, I encouraged my youngest son to spend time with his father over the summer break. With both my sons gone now on a three-week trip, I am a Queen on vacation!

There aren’t any crumbs and messes for me to complain to them about. The toilet seat hasn’t been left up. And the best part is not hearing the cacophonous sound of shooting from their video game system.

But I do miss their smiles and sweet love. My sons are wonderful men – tall and strong. My youngest son is over 6′ tall so it’s hard for me consider him my baby anymore.

Since I’ve discontinued taking hormones, my emotions have calmed down. Having privacy and quiet time at home has also been like medicine for me; I feel very peaceful. I am determined not to allow my emotions to build up like they did a few months ago.

For this Princess post, I’ve decided to share a story about how I’m not an ordinary Princess because I don’t believe royalty has to kill cockroaches.

My roach story starts when I was home with my 17-year-old son about two weeks ago.

We had just finished dinner and he began yelling to me from his room. I was editing music and had my headphones on. It was so annoying and I wasn’t going to yell back. The Princess decided to ignore him unless he actually got up and came into my room.

But in the distance I could hear him still calling me. I slipped off my headphones and said in an exasperated voice, “Is this an emergency? I can’t hear what you’re saying and if you want me you’ll need to come to my room.”

I had just raised my voice and wished I had ignored him better. And because he continued calling me, I became even more irritated.

I probably was annoyed with him also because when I stood up, my foot hurt. It was because I stepped on a piece of glass in the kitchen earlier in the afternoon. He had dropped a jar of pickles before I came home and the house smelled like dill when I walked in.

This was not a castle for a Princess by any means!

I tromped down the hall to his room. “This had better be an emergency,” I announced as I came into his room.

My son was sweating and darting all around me. “Mom! You won’t believe this large cockroach I saw. Will you help find it and kill it?”

After lecturing him about true emergencies, I said, “No! I’m sure there’s plenty more where it came from. Deal with it!” My large son needed to grow up.

I walked out of his room and no sooner had I sat down at my computer, there he was again. I sighed.

He clearly wanted to be with me. I gave up trying to do anything – it was time for me to focus on him and for us to hang out together.

My son sprawled across my bed and told me all the reasons why roaches grossed him out. And the one he saw was so big that he couldn’t possibly go to sleep tonight. I listened to his fears and reassured him; the roach wasn’t going to hurt him.

As he talked, I was glad he had socks on. Sometimes, he brushed flakes of skin from his feet onto my bed.

Finally, he went out of my room and I put my headphones back on. My peacefulness lasted about five minutes. My door flew open. He was panting and begging me to come to his room to rescue him.

I was resigned as I followed him.

And there it was!

It’s antennae bobbed up and down. It was about 4 inches long and I’d never seen a roach that big. It was on the wall close to the ceiling. I wondered how I could kill that monster without squishing its guts everywhere.

My son was giddy with excitement to know that I was going to take care of it. After a moment of thought, I gave orders. I told him to bring me one of his big shoes and a broom. As he raced to bring me the items, I kept my eye on the roach.

When he handed me a light canvas shoe, I said, “Come on! I need a heavier one to smash it!”

Then I said, “Go get my cell phone and take a picture of this.”

He snapped a single picture of me. Later on, I wished there were some close-ups – but of course, that was risky because it might have zipped away.

I took a deep breath and lifted the broom. My son snapped, “Wait!” He pulled his bed away from the wall so I’d have more room.

I eyeballed the black insect and then swung my broom at it. It fell right off the wall and disappeared.

Who was I kidding? I knew those bugs were fast. Just as I was thinking how I wasn’t swift enough, I saw it on the floor flailing on it’s back.

I calmly took my son’s big shoe and smashed it.

My son began dancing with relief. It was worth everything to see his face.“

Did you see how big it was? I wasn’t exaggerating, was I?” he shouted.

I smiled and told him to get me a paper towel. As I wiped up the bug, my son confessed that the worst part about killing bugs for him was the spurting sound they made when they were squished. I was so proud that I killed it and the wall was still clean.

I dropped the roach’s remains into the toilet and flushed. I made sure the lid was down in case it clawed its way out. That had actually happened to me once before with a roach I thought was dead. Remembering it was enough to give me nightmares!

I was so glad I gave my son the attention he demanded that night. We bonded over this.

I was definitely a hero and not an ordinary Princess!

Be assured – this is a Photoshop re-enactment!

Well it turned out that this story has an even better ending than the one of me simply killing a roach.

The next day, my son came home from school and said, “Mom, you’re not going to believe what happened in one of my classes today.”

I listened and tried to keep a straight face when he told me there was a cockroach on the wall in his classroom. It turned out that his teacher was also afraid of roaches. And it was a male teacher, which I found humorous.

My son said, “He went out of the room because it bothered him so much.”

I asked, “So then what happened?”

My son beamed and said, “I saved the day.”

I grinned and replied, “Really? What did you do?”

He said, “Oh, mom! It was so easy – I just took my shoe off and got a broom to knock it off the wall. Then I smashed it, picked it up with a paper towel and threw it away.”

I could hardly believe it.

This was just one of those sweet parental moments – when you realize how much your child has truly learned from you!

There’s something about me holding a broom that is reminiscent of a witch. But I’ll save that thought for the next story.

Tagged adjusting to divorce, cockroach, Cockroach drama, creativity, Del Monte pickles, divorce after a long marriage, gray divorce, Humor, humor daily life, Judy Unger, killing a cockroach, my son and I, older children and divorce, Ordinary Life, Princess story, recording music, roach, writing | 1 Comment

MY DREAM – PART 2

Posted on August 11, 2014 by Judy

Click the blue link below to play my song:

My Dream Home Recording 4-8-18

Click the link below to read about and hear my first version of this song:

STORY BEHIND MY DREAM-PART 1

MY DREAM

Like the sky after sunset my dream still glows

A river of warmth, through my body it flows

Filling my soul, it makes me whole

Helping me cope, my dream gives me hope

Like shade in the summer, a misty spring rain

My dream is so soothing; it heals all my pain

Making me sure, then I’m secure

I may be low, but I’ll never let go

My dream it feels so certain; I wait behind a curtain

One day I’ll face the world’s embrace

And the message I’ll bring with joy when I sing

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

I may be stressed, but my dream has me blessed

One day I see I’m soaring free

My dream I hold so tightly

In darkness it shines brightly

All my desires, my dream inspires

My dream will save me; the gift God gave me

My dream is where I’m going; it’s all about my knowing

With courage I grew and I know it’s true

My dream will get me through

–

Recently, my apartment has been quiet because my two sons are on a three-week trip with my ex-husband.

–

It has been interesting as I adjust to the solitude; I’ve been writing a great deal. Soon there will be a lot of new songs and stories added to my blog.

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At this time, I want to share a new song arrangement for my song “My Dream.” A lot of my upcoming stories will reflect more of my feelings surrounding dreams.

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Currently, two themes that are constantly tangling in my life are: Letting go and holding on.

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I want to hold on to memories, hope, love and dreams.

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I want to let go of: judgment, criticism, guilt and sorrow.

–

I did write some new chorus lyrics for this second version and they are those words above. This is now only the second time where I’ve used the word “God” in my lyrics. It is because I have found myself to be far more spiritual and that has begun to emerge in my writing.

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My dream definitely illuminates the darkness in my life. Unfortunately, my eyes have continued to be a curtain for me.

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I love to dream of when that curtain opens someday.

–

Now I want to share an exchange of comments between Sandra Blake Callahan and myself. Sandra, who is terminally ill, wrote a beautiful post on her blog aptly named “Dare We Dream.” Clicking on it is a link to her story.

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Dare We Dream?

Oh, Sandra – today I sang a new version of a favorite song of mine named “My Dream.” You were in my mind. Really, dreaming is such a beautiful way to go to places that uplift me. It keeps me smiling and peaceful. I wish that for you always.

–

Judy, I studied the Holocaust while in college. I did not fully understand how people who lived were able to go on with their lives. Then when I read  the book “Man’s Search For Meaning,” it simply validated that there are some things that can never be taken from us. When we stop dreaming, hoping and finding meaning in our life – we are not really living. I cannot imagine where one finds the strength to do these things when suffering the loss of a child. You inspire me.

–

Your beautiful words always touch me deeply Sandra. You are so right about finding meaning from life. Somehow, I was able to transform my suffering into meaning. I will always be sad that my son died, but I’m not defined by his death anymore. I have chosen to look at love as my salve – it started out as love for my surviving children and now I’m learning that loving myself enough to follow my dreams is what matters.  

–

Love can do so much for us if we let it.

–

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.