myjourneysinsight

WON’T STAY EMPTY

Posted on August 30, 2014 by Judy

Being a food illustrator certainly has me thinking about food.

A month ago, I asked a friend on Facebook if I could use a photo she had posted of a garden castle.

–

When she “liked” my last blog post, I wrote: “What did you think of my artsy images created from your vacation photo?”

–

That was when my friend admitted that she had “liked” my post but hadn’t yet had a chance to read it. I wrote her back with:

–

No worries! I write a lot and understand how it takes time to read my stuff, especially if you’re busy. But I love how you are always so supportive.

–

Also I know some people don’t like metaphorical writing. So here’s a summary of my last Princess story: SHE FINALLY WENT ON A DIET LOL!

–

My last story ended with the Princess receiving a key and her mission was to find a door for it. That is why this post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.”

–

Below is the third verse from that song:

–

As you look upon

the empty spaces when I’m gone

You will see – someday

I know you’ll fill them

They won’t stay empty

–

I originally wrote those words with the hope that my “ex” would one day feel better – long after I had gone through the door.

–

But whenever I sing those words, instead I imagine my mother is speaking to me. She was a very optimistic woman and I know she would want me to feel better. When my child died, my mother grieved for me and for her grandchild. No parent wants their child to suffer.

–

Grief is like a door – I’ve often spoken about going through it, rather than around it. I know from my own experience after losing my child that going through the “door of grief” led to my healing. I’ve met people who never went through that door until many years after their loss. Despite the passage of time it was as if their loved one had just died. And there are people who never imagine they could heal. Everyone handles grief differently.

–

I no longer suffer from intense grief over the loss of my child. But in the last few years I’ve experienced many other kinds of losses. Sometimes I’ve noticed that a recent loss can trigger painful feelings from my past.

–

I’ve used the term “empty spaces” to describe an aching void inside of me; it represents a longing for something missing in my life. Perhaps that is another way to look at grief.

–

I’ve acknowledged many times how much I miss my mom, but I haven’t really cried much to release those feelings – I’ve suppressed my tears. Pushing down feelings and stuffing them inside is not healthy.

–

I can express myself through singing and songwriting, but it hasn’t been enough. It’s been far easier for me to find other ways to deny my empty spaces. Food has been something that I’ve often used to numb myself. No matter how much I eat, the emptiness remains when I’ve eaten for the wrong reasons. And after that, I’ve beaten myself up for my weakness.

–

I realize I’ve written a lot of “heavy” stories lately. Now I feel ready for a “lighter” approach.

–

In this baby picture I’m thinking, “Mommy, keep feeding me!”

A few weeks ago, I had a wonderful turning point. I became tired of waiting for motivation to get into shape and eat healthier. I was ready!

–

I thought of another way to look at this and it is rather funny. I’ve decided to “divorce” food! My relationship was very unhealthy and below are some parallels to my former marriage:

–

1. I was miserable, but figured I’d deal with it when I was ready.

–

2. I preferred to be safe and comfortable; making any changes seemed monumental.

–

3. It was a relationship that was more fun when I was with other people. (Lest I be misunderstood, this was not about cheating on my spouse. It represents how socializing took away some of my emptiness because my ex-spouse seemed far more jovial and less negative in company. With food, certainly it was more fun to eat out.)

–

I’m swimming to Cancun!

All of a sudden, a light bulb went off and I realized it would be great if I could start swimming laps again. It was a really hot day and the idea seemed refreshing. I hadn’t swum laps in over two years.

–

I looked online and found out where there the nearest YMCA facility was. I was amazed that I was able to squeeze my large body into my old bathing suit.

–

The first time I went to swim was on a Sunday. The YMCA pool was at capacity and I had to sit on a bench until the lifeguard gave me a sign that I could go in. Even though it wasn’t a great lap swimming experience, I did feel very relaxed afterwards.

–

I was so pleased with myself for doing this!

–

The next few times I swam during the week. The pool was practically empty and it was great.

–

The only hitch was when I had a panic attack because I thought my towel and bag were stolen in the shower room. I was dripping and certain where I had left it hanging. But it was gone!

–

Next I went into the locker area to discover my clothes were also missing.

–

Suddenly, I realized that this was all because I was in the MEN’S locker room. I made a beeline out of there quickly – WHEW! I was semi-relieved that I hadn’t run into any naked men.

–

Once again, I was reminded how I really need to look where I am going.

–

That leads me to the topic of my eyes. A lot has been happening for me and I plan to write an eye update very soon.

–

Blood Draw 2

–

Thankfully, my blood has replenished and I’m not as empty as I was after my serum blood draw from two weeks ago.

–

The technician told me she had never drawn blood for serum tears before. I was explaining to her about it and enjoying our conversation when she said, “Okay, we’re all done!”

–

I hadn’t even noticed all the vials being drawn!

–

I took some pictures and sent a text message to my friends.

–

One friend wrote:

–

“Yikes. Glad you are finally able to get started on it. Hope they gave you lots of cookies after.”

–

No cookies for me now that I’m on track!

–

And I’ll end this post with my favorite text response:

–

“Whoa! Vampire party favors!”

–

© 2014 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged adjusting to divorce, artist, autologous serum tears, beautiful music, coping with divorce, creativity, denial of feelings, divorce after long marriage, empty spaces, escape through music, food and divorce, getting in shape, going through a door, gray divorce, grief and healing, having hope, healing from grief, hopeful and optimistic, hopefulness, Humor, ice cream sandwich, inspiration, Judy Unger, Mint ice cream, motivation to eat healthy, music and inspiration, optimism, overeating, passionate songwriter, serum tears, stuffing feelings, stuffing feelings with food, suppressing emotion, suppressing tears, suppression of feelings, swimming laps, the door, Tillamook, writing | 4 Comments

THE WALLS YOU’VE BUILT

Posted on August 29, 2014 by Judy

I created this filtered image from a good friend’s photo. This castle exists somewhere in a garden in Europe.

I created this filtered image from a good friend’s photo taken while traveling in Lichtenstein, Europe.

My post title is a line of lyrics from my recent song “Misunderstood.”

For me, there has been no misunderstanding about the purpose of my journey. As I search to find insight from my life experiences – my true goal is to inspire healing and find joy in life.

Perhaps I was naïve when my journey began in 2010. Sustaining joy has been elusive for me. But I’ve continued to face challenges and my most recent ones have been difficult for me to overcome.

I never want to lose hope or stop dreaming.

Due to my dry eye condition, I have not felt “normal” for some time. I continue to learn a lot about dry eyes, which can be considered a disease. I am not alone with it and reading about what others go through with this syndrome is heartbreaking for me. There are many causes and many degrees of suffering.

There is another line of lyrics in my song that I find fitting. It is: “You pretend that you’re okay, but this chill won’t go away.”

The chill that I’m feeling is the one that comes from pretending. I continue to maintain composure even when I’m not really okay. It takes tremendous energy to plod onward when you’re in pain. I’ve always believed that I would find a way to feel better. Unfortunately, much of what I’ve done hasn’t been helpful, especially in regards to food. True peacefulness happens for me when I harness my thoughts.

A few weeks ago, I was in a very low place and wrote a story. It is a story about trying to get out of Hell in order to find a way back to Heaven.

The good news is that I am on my way!

Since I wrote my story, some things have occurred that haven’t been easy for me. But I have not fallen down. I’ve found a way out of Hell and do not plan on going back.

THE PRINCESS TORE DOWN THE WALLS

God continued to bless the Princess.

The Princess was grateful for all her blessings. But unfortunately, the Dark Witch caused the Princess so much pain that the Princess had difficulty smiling or opening her eyes.

Melody continued to comfort the Princess, but the Princess was succumbing to her pain. In a panic, Melody called out for Hope and Dreams to help find a way to save the Princess.

As two shimmering butterflies fluttered next to her, Melody explained that the situation with the Princess was dire. She said, “The Dark Witch will not allow you in there, but somehow there must be a way to get you in. I’ve tried with songs and it hasn’t worked.”

Hope said softly, “We won’t stop trying. But we’ll still wait nearby in case she finds a way to free herself.”

Dreams added, “I’m in total agreement with Hope. Even if she doesn’t want to see us, it’s okay. I remember there was a time when she told us never to come back. But we waited for her then and we will this time, too.”

Melody wiped her eyes and thanked them. Hope and Dreams were such beautiful butterflies. She watched them sail softly into the sky with their colorful wings dancing in the sunlight.

The Princess once dreamed of being free. But now prison walls surrounded her and unfortunately they were ones she had actually built. Brick by brick, she had walled herself in as a way to shield herself from pain. Gradually the bricks piled higher and higher until they blocked out the sunlight and kept her in darkness.

Pain came in the form of many distinct images for her.

Sometimes, she saw a white spider. Other times, she imagined a Dark Witch holding a broomstick. The Dark Witch delighted in poking the Princess’s eyes with the stinging end of a broom to torment her. Her spell was so evil that the Princess could feel pain even when her eyes were closed.

The Dark Witch stood guard at the entrance to the prison where the Princess was. Like a scarecrow; she wielded her broom as a weapon so no one could enter.

Somehow Melody was able to avoid the Dark Witch by floating upon sweet melodies directly into the Princess’s heart.

The Princess had tried many times to wrestle the painful broom from the witch’s grasp. But she could not tear it away from the Dark Witch.

In order to survive, the Princess relied upon Melody for help. Melody blanketed her with music and the Princess sang loudly to drown out her pain. Many times, her voice became plaintive cries because she was so sad.

The Princess used food to combat her pain and sadness. It was a very familiar source of comfort and like a drug. But even though it numbed her pain, it caused her to sink lower and lower to the ground from the additional weight she carried.

Finally, the Princess could not move and she decided she had truly succumbed to grief.

A long time ago, The Princess had been in a similar place. But back then, she had her mother and father to comfort and support her. There was no one now to hold her and give her that kind of love. She missed her mother so much; they had been especially close. Even though memories of love sustained her, she was also burdened by memories of suffering.

The Princess was so grateful for Melody. Her precious fairy stroked her and gently hummed sweet melodies into her ears.

As the Princess lay upon the ground in darkness, she wondered how she would find a way to lift herself up. Once upon a time, she was so proud of her courage and willingness to seek freedom from negativity in her life.

Now she was a prisoner in her own mind. She had walled herself in and succumbed to sadness.

She could not open her eyes and she could not see the sky. She missed looking at the mountains and dreaming most of all.

The Princess could not stand the suffering anymore. It was clear that no one was going to rescue her. The only escape possible would be for her to find a way to free herself.

Her most inspiring songs began to play loudly in her mind and she forced herself to open her eyes. She was not going to let the Dark Witch destroy her.

The Princess prayed that Hope and Dreams were still waiting for her. With memory of their colorful wings dancing in an expansive sky, the Princess became determined to find a key that would allow her to leave her prison.

Even though she felt so heavy, she struggled to stand. In some ways, she was so burdened by her weight and in other ways she was so empty. She was unsteady as she stood up; she felt drugged.

Gleefully, the Dark Witch blocked the Princess’s path with her broom. The Princess suddenly had an amazing revelation. That broom not only tormented her eyes, but it also was the reason for her emptiness. She relied upon that broom to sweep away any thoughts related to grief. That was why she was empty!

In a fury, she screamed at the Dark Witch, “GO AWAY! Why are you torturing me? What have I done to deserve this?”

The Dark Witch did not answer.

The Princess continued to plead and question.

Finally, the Dark Witch replied, “I’m guarding your prison, Princess. My name is Guilt.”

The Princess grabbed the handle of the Witch’s broom. This time she felt certain she had the strength to yank it away. The Dark Witch gleefully stabbed the Princess in her eyes with the stick ends of the broom. The excruciating pain brought the Princess to her knees.

The Princess detested that broom. She was done sweeping because there was never an end to it. She wanted to stop drugging herself to escape from pain. She decided she was finally ready to search for a way to free herself. It was time to let go.

The memories of love finally overcame the memories of suffering. She felt so much love within. She was bursting with music to share and had too many things left that she wanted to do with her life. Guilt was about self-hatred, not love.

And Guilt would never allow Hope and Dreams to be with her and the Princess missed them so very much.

Even though the Dark Witch continued to use the broom to taunt her, the Princess let go. The broom clattered to the floor beside her and she kicked it away.

Guilt would torture her no longer. And the Princess would no longer sweep away her grief; she would allow it.

Now the Dark Witch lost her power because the Princess stopped holding on.

In the darkness, the Princess saw a glimmer of light and color. Two butterflies alighted next to her. Together they carried a key that glowed in the darkness.

Hope said, “Princess, this belongs to you – we’ve been waiting to give it to you.”

Dreams added, “We’ll stay with you now Princess – you will be okay.”

The Princess held tightly to her key and cried and cried; perhaps now joy would return!

But her next task would be to find the Door.

© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged arranging music, artist, beautiful music, butterflies, butterfly illustrations, castle and butterflies, castles, creativity, Dark Witch, defenses, discouraged, escape through music, Friendship, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, hopeful and optimistic, inspiration, Judy Unger, key, key to free yourself, letting go, lifting yourself up, loss, loss of a mother, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, misunderstood, Music, music and inspiration, musical comfort, musical inspiration, musical rediscovery, optimism, overcoming grief, Painful words, passionate songwriter, protective mechanisms, pushing down feelings, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, staying hopeful, stuffing feelings, stuffing feelings with food, suppressing feelings, The Princess, the walls you've built, writing | 4 Comments

PAINFUL WORDS

Posted on August 26, 2014 by Judy

I want to share my newest song with an instrumental/karaoke version:

For more stories, recordings and performances of this song: MISUNDERSTOOD

All of my music is otherworldly for me, especially when my lyrics reveal additional meanings I never imagined while writing them.

On my last post I shared my newest song “Misunderstood.” During the time I was composing my song, I wrote a metaphorical Princess story that was very personal. Initially, I was hesitant to share it but now I have decided to.

This post is named “Painful Words” after a line of lyrics in my song “Misunderstood.” My song was written two months ago after I had a blow up with my oldest son. Now other feelings have surfaced for me related to the lyrics of my song.

I had an epiphany when I remembered that many years ago there were painful words, which were difficult for me to forget. They were screamed at me by my mother.

Perhaps I had this revelation because I am dealing with grief surrounding her fairly recent death, in addition to my divorce after a long marriage.

The painful words I have difficulty forgetting were ones my mother yelled when she found out I wasn’t a virgin. I was twenty-one years old and engaged to be married at the time. This incident caused us both unbearable turmoil. I had never seen her so angry and I was devastated that I had disappointed her so much. To appease her, my husband and I married secretly six months before our scheduled wedding.

I always knew that my mother deeply loved me and never meant to hurt me as she did. Later on, I confronted her and she was very sorry. So many times I was certain that I had forgiven her, but still a chill always lingered deep inside of me. I assume she felt misunderstood.

Because of my music I have once again found clarity – exquisitely sweet and comforting.

Now I have an even a deeper connection to my song.

THE PRINCESS BECAME A DRAGON

The Princess could not take off her armor.

It protected her and without it she felt naked. She also retreated because of her embarrassment and shame; she did not want to be judged. Yet there was no escape from judgment because she dispensed painful criticism to herself on a daily basis.

She was certain everyone could see how she was covering herself and disinterested in her appearance.

The armor only added to her misery because she already suffered with constant eye pain. The Princess even tormented herself for not being more grateful because she knew things could be much worse.

There were signs of what could have been devastating to her if she hadn’t been so lucky. Within the past few months, the Princess had fallen to the ground three times. It was because she couldn’t open her eyes to watch more carefully where she was walking.

She decided God was holding her close each time she fell because miraculously she wasn’t injured.

The Princess began to feel like she was definitely not herself anymore. Once upon a time she danced through her days singing. Now she was simply plodding. She began to wonder if the magic potions the doctors gave her to help her eyes were instead interfering with her thoughts.

Then one day, she looked into the mirror and horror spread through her. She was not a Princess any longer.

She had become a Dragon!

Although it shocked her at first, it wasn’t really a total surprise. She had begun to notice flames shooting from her mouth and many things easily triggered it. When her former Prince became a Dragon after they were married, she was certain it was because of the wicked spell of unhappiness. It seemed like now that wicked spell had transformed her, too.

The Princess wanted to be happy. Even if it was elusive, her best moments were when she was peaceful.

But unfortunately, she had few moments of peace because of her “little dragons.” She traded peacefulness in order to make their lives comfortable, to make them happy. And she felt like she had little choice about it.

Long ago, she believed that love from her children was her purpose for living. But she had no words for her children now, her “little dragons.” They weren’t even little – they were 17, 20 and 23 years old!

She had cared for the “little dragons” from the time they were born and dreamed that someday they would be completely independent. It truly was a dream because they faced many difficult hurdles; but she was determined somehow they would get there.

Although they had certainly made a lot of progress since she left the dragon; the Princess was tired. She only wanted to take care of herself and without peacefulness it was difficult.

The little Dragons expected nothing from their father; but they counted on the Princess. Their father planned to live in a faraway place for the rest of his life. In a year’s time, he would be gone.

Her offspring did not really understand her. They accepted their father as a Dragon, but not their mother as an imperfect Princess.

The Princess certainly loved her children, but she often felt overwhelmed. Because of her eye pain and resulting stress, she began to feel a fire growing inside.

One day, her eldest “little Dragon” fanned her flames. He criticized her and told her she wasn’t doing enough as a mother. The Princess was very hurt because she had devoted and sacrificed so much of herself for all her Dragons.

Since the time when she was a child, she was never able to express anger.

But when she expressed her hurt to her son, he became angry instead. She felt her face growing hot and raised her voice to him and flames began to shoot from her. He threw the fire back into her face and then the Princess erupted. It was so intense that she couldn’t speak for a long time afterward.

When the fire and smoke cleared, only ashes remained.

The Princess cried inside when her son said he did not trust her anymore and that she had traumatized him forever with her outburst. For several weeks he did not return to the cottage where they lived. The Princess was devastated. Everything she had said in anger was misconstrued or misunderstood.

The Princess told her son she loved him and was sorry – she honestly was. But she knew was not really forgiven.

She never wanted to explode again, but at the same time she didn’t want to continue to suppress her feelings like she had in the past. This was all new and horrible.

And that was when she realized she was a Dragon.

Once upon a time, her children joined her on a journey to a new and different life.

But having all three of them in her small cottage ended up being far more challenging than she anticipated. Her cottage was not really her castle and many times her “little Dragons” were very unhappy with her.

Trying to make them happy was a habit that the Princess couldn’t seem to break. Now it was worse because of the guilt she carried over hurting their father. Seeking forgiveness from them left her exhausted.

She was definitely tired of being a perfect Princess. As a Princess, she was Cinderella – on the floor looking up as she toiled. She was easily manipulated by guilt and her true companion was self-criticism.

It was ironic how she was never lonely when she was alone. But the worst thing was how deeply she felt misunderstood by them. She would always love them with all of her heart, but sometimes she wished she could fly away.

But then God blessed her with a new song. The dragons that surrounded her dissolved into a beautiful sunset and became butterflies instead.

Butterfly sunset

Now the Princess was ready to shed her armor.

Her beautiful song reminded her why she was a Princess. And when she sang it she discovered she was able to fly away.

I performed "Misunderstood" last night at Kulak's Woodshed. It has been 8 months since I've done this due to my eye problems.

I performed “Misunderstood” last night. It has been 8 months since I’ve done this due to my eye problems.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, an argument, arranging a song, arranging music, artist, beautiful music, composing, creativity, escape through music, forgiveness, grief, guitar, guitar performance, healing music, hopeful and optimistic, inspiration, Judy Unger, left misunderstood, letting go, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, misunderstanding, misunderstood, Mother Daughter issues, mother daughter relationship, Music, music and inspiration, musical arrangement, musical comfort, musical inspiration, musical rediscovery, optimism, original songs, Painful words, passionate songwriter, performing, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, The Princess, too hurt to move on, trust is gone, words I never meant, writing, you won't forgive me | 4 Comments

MISUNDERSTOOD-PART 1

Posted on August 19, 2014 by Judy

This floral painting of mine was created using black and white watercolors. I am trying to get away from seeing things in black and white, which is my metaphor for extreme thinking. When I expand my mind, I’ve discovered beautiful new shades of tonality.

Click the blue link to hear my song:

Misunderstood Acoustic 7-20-18

Misunderstood Guitar & Piano

For recordings, performances and more about this song: MISUNDERSTOOD

–

MISUNDERSTOOD

You won’t forgive me for that argument

Those words you heard I never meant

Your wounds are raw; too hurt to move on

You say your trust is gone

–

I know you’re hurt; I wish you knew

Nothing can change my love for you

You pretend that you’re okay

But this chill won’t go away

–

Misunderstood, left with regret

Painful words you can’t forget

I’d take them back, if I only could

‘cause now I’m left misunderstood

–

The walls you’ve built protect you now

I want to tear them down somehow

Misunderstood, left with regret

Painful words you can’t forget

I’d take them back, if I only could

Instead I’m left misunderstood

My lyrics in progress are always very revealing. I share my lyric drafts even with areas of words scratched out.

I share my lyric drafts, including areas of words scratched out.

Less than two months ago, I wrote about how I transform my emotions into a song. It is something I do unconsciously and is such a blessing to my life.

I must thank my arranger, George for inspiring me to create my newest song “Misunderstood.” It was his encouragement that truly helped birth this song.

I had come to one of our sessions feeling very depressed. I told him how I had gotten into a horrible fight with my oldest son a few days before. George was sympathetic and told me to express my feelings by writing a song – he even suggested that I name it “Misunderstood.”

I happened to have discovered four beautiful chords on my guitar the day before. I shared them with George and he began to play them on his piano. Instantly, my heart was grabbed with the excitement that every passionate songwriter knows. My glorious new song was emerging!

I know you're hurt

It took us several sessions to create an arrangement for this song. Even though it didn’t have lyrics, it wasn’t long before I found the words. I tried to “compose” a beautiful melody but it seemed to have a mind of it’s own. Even when I found what might have been a “better” choice, I sang whatever melody came out of my mouth.

Originally I wanted to sound like Barry Manilow with a modulated last chorus. But I lost my connection to the song, so the electric guitar and drums had to go. George erased the solo/last chorus and we created something else.

George also directed me while recording harmony. I love the harmony on this song because it makes the song even more emotional for me.

Singing is such a pure form of expression. I sang the high notes for the last chorus because it felt like what I needed to do in order to release my pain.

We can't undo

B & W Half Lilly B

My son has no idea that I wrote this song. What emerged from our conflict were many feelings related to the divorce that had been suppressed. Even though the chill between us has subsided, his wariness and my regret have exhausted me.

Perhaps that is why my song is so comforting. It transforms my painful situation into something exquisitely beautiful. I can express my regret in a different way, instead of bending over backward to prepare his favorite foods.

Below are more scrawled words of my lyrics in progress for this song. My very first page began as a way to express feelings without concerning myself with rhyming. Those lyrics in progress are intimate and revealing.

It seems like sharing here is the antithesis of being misunderstood.

I feel understood now.