myjourneysinsight

WE WERE STRANGERS

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Judy

I’m not sure how old I was when I made the drawing and poem with lovely cursive below. All those sweet rhymes were my preview to becoming a future songwriter.

I am ready to set sail for some new adventures in my life!

The man behind the desk in front of me carefully studied the documents I had just handed him. He looked up and said, “This is your first passport?”

I noticed that he seemed surprised. I grinned and said, “Yes, it is! I’m 55 and it’s time for me to travel to places I’ve never gone before. Is it that unusual for someone my age to get a passport?”

He told me it was and asked me what country I was planning to visit. I replied, “Oh, somewhere in Europe – but I’m not sure yet.”

As I walked to my car, I was delighted that I had taken a step toward doing something new and exciting in my life.

This is my current image for my song “I’ve Always Cared.” The bed with my guitar is sailing across a faraway ocean to somewhere unknown.

This image is for my recent song: “I’ve Always Cared.” The bed with my guitar is sailing across a faraway ocean to an unknown destination.

The title for this post is from another song I wrote long ago. I have been working with my arranger, George on “I’ve Always Cared.” I’ve revised some of the lyrics added in 2010 and wrote new ones for a bridge that George helped to create. The song is bouncy and a lot of fun to sing.

A portion of my “arrangement in progress” can be heard below:

Caring seems to be a reoccurring theme of mine. It was in another recent song, “Just A Tune.”

I care about many things in my life. Most important to me are my three children. I care about my friends and even strangers who are hurting. I care about creating music that touches me.

Unfortunately, sometimes I care too much about what other people think of me. It was my habit in the past to expend a lot of energy trying to make everyone around me happy. My life is quite different since my divorce after a long marriage. I am trying to please myself more and worry about pleasing others less.

I hoped to travel with my newfound freedom, but because of my dry eye pain– it hasn’t felt comfortable or safe for me. But my eyes have improved to where I am willing to consider it.

There are a few special bloggers in faraway places that I would love to visit; I feel very close to them because of the intimate writing we’ve shared for at least two years now. Taking a trip to meet any of them feels very meaningful for me.

So my story begins with the reason I actually felt inclined to get my very first passport. It was because of an invitation from a woman named Sarah (not her actual name).

Sarah and I had been writing to each other for several months. I wrote a story about her when we first connected on the Internet. She found my art blog and wanted to purchase an image to use for her website. I gave her a discounted price and she was thrilled.

After that, I shared my love for music with her and we began corresponding. On one of our exchanges, she sent me a lovely picture of a butterfly on her window and invited me to visit her in Europe.

Link to that story: #451 I HOLD ON

Sarah seemed very warm and kind. Even though she and I didn’t speak the same language, she amazed me with her ability to write fairly articulate email messages.

Her messages were enthusiastic and filled with encouragement about my music. Over and over she reiterated that my voice really touched her when I simply sang with my guitar. It motivated me to start practicing so I could perform again.

After eight months of reclusiveness (because of eye pain), I began to play at open mics. It wasn’t easy, but I was pleased that I had pushed myself. I eagerly told my new friend how she had inspired me and sent her links to view my performances.

This image is from my first performance back playing after 8 months. My eyes bother me a lot when I perform.

This image is from my first performance back playing after 8 months in August of 2014. My eyes still bother me a lot when I perform.

When I mentioned that I might actually take her up on her offer to host me, she insisted that a week wasn’t going to be long enough – she hoped I could stay at least two weeks. I began to seriously consider planning a trip the following summer and it was all very exciting.

Sarah told me she was would try to arrange for me to perform in her town when I visited; she said she was certain that my music and stories would be appreciated. I hadn’t finalized plans for my visit other than obtaining a passport, which was a good thing.

Only a few days after we had talked more about my visit, she sent me a startling message. A better word than “startling” would be “horrible.”

I was left scratching my head and wondering how such sweet interactions could change in an instant.

Sarah’s message was a list of points that proved to her how self-centered I was. She raked me over the coals and accused me of bombarding her with messages. She felt I was insensitive to her recent illness and all I cared about was music.

I had actually bought a nice Christmas gift I planned to send her and was glad I was able to return it.

She ended her diatribe with a truly vicious paragraph. It seemed that my songs about my mother infuriated her. I never imaged my music could inspire such anger!

I wrote back to her with a simple message:

I have every right as a human to express my feelings about my dead son, parents or whatever. I share my experiences and many other people have told me that they’ve been touched by it. I’m relieved now to know that I’m not going to visit someone who is unstable and easily angered. My intentions toward you were always loving and your words surprise me because they are mean-spirited and hurtful.

I tried not to allow her words to upset me. She was someone I’d never met, but I had opened my heart to her. I was so glad that this had happened before I actually went to visit her in a foreign country. It was terrifying to admit how awful my visit could have been with someone capable of writing such a cruel message.

When I shared this experience with my children, they all said pretty much the same thing. “Mom, the Internet is filled with people who say hateful things. It shouldn’t come as such a shock to you.”

I didn’t want to be affected by any of this, but I was. I especially felt irritated with myself because I had been so blindsided. I thought it might be helpful to write to my grief forum friends for support.

My message was:

Recently, there’ve been many posts about how upsetting it is when other people want us to “get over our grief.” People who are uncomfortable with it are one thing, but then there are others who can be incredibly hostile.

 It has only been about a year since my mother died. I was very upset last week when I received an angry message from someone who had listened to my songs.

I have never felt that my loss was greater than anyone else’s by writing songs about loss and love. I will continue until my last breath to remember my dead son and my dead parents. I appreciate the support from this group. Her message was:

“There are millions PEOPLE ON EARTH WHO LOST THEIR PARENTS! I lost both my mother and my father, who I loved more than anything on this earth! Most of us are so f#@%&g sorry to lose our parents! Do not you think? But you talk about the loss of your mother, as if the rest of the people on Earth do not have any parents. YOU ARE / WERE SO SPOILED, and find it difficult to accept nature’s time, and that we ALL MUST DIE ONE DAY. People do not care to hear of others family tragedies in the edition that you represent in your song to your late mother! Why? Because: Your dead mother is NOT worth more than my dead mother or others dead mothers, and because of it, your song is WORTHLESS.”

Judy, what a horrible expression you were sent! Your Mother is worth more to you, nothing to her, such a disgusting comment. I am so sorry to hear you have been subjected to that tirade. Try not to think about it. No one understands what we go through until they go through it for themselves. There is surely no need to degrade anyone else’s expressions of grief.

OMG, what a bitter, bitter person! Keep writing songs, Judy!

Yay, Judy! I support you in self-expression. Based on the last three years after the death of my grown daughter, I am clear that for me at least, the most profound need of grief is its own expression. And so, I have become a writer and am on the last leg of my master’s degree in writing and about to complete a novel. Best to you and keep it up!

Judy, the only thing that may be of any value out of that angry post you received is that the angry sender had “a place” to direct some of her anger. I’m glad that you are able to see her “stuff” for what it is worth. Clearly, you did not deserve that. You keep creating what is beautiful and comforting. I will pray that hostile woman begins to find some comfort and peace.

Wow, Judy. The bitterness and anger in this message that was sent to you speaks of more than just your song. This woman is free to not listen to your song or simply not bother with you at all but instead chose to spit out such anger and for what purpose? If it were possible, I would block this woman from ever sending messages to you again. She obviously doesn’t understand the reason you do what you do and how it helps other people with loss. Once again – wow!

That is the most terrible thing I have heard someone say to another grieving person. Judy, you have helped a lot of people, especially here in the group. You keep writing and singing your songs. Don’t let this person get to you.

The messages of support from my grief forum members did lift me up. For weeks, I avoided writing this story because I wanted to simply put it behind me. But then I decided there was insight that I gained from this experience.

One of my favorite mottos that always uplifts me is:

TAKE THE BEST AND LEAVE THE REST!

I love that line because it works for almost every experience in life. I simply discard unpleasant things and grasp what is useful.

My experience with this stranger across the world definitely taught me many things. Perhaps I was too trusting and open. And if I was overly enthusiastic about my music and a bit self-centered – I accept that perhaps I am that way at this time in my life.

I actually gained some very big benefits from my interaction with Sarah. She encouraged me to embrace performing again. She inspired me to consider traveling to Europe.

I’ve never gone there and one day I plan to travel there with my hairdresser, Shahin. We’ve been friends for over a decade now. Shahin is from Afghanistan and has family in many European countries. I feel very safe with her and I’m certain our trip will hold wonderful experiences for me.

Originally, when I told Shahin that I wanted to visit Sarah, she warned me to “be careful” about visiting an Internet friend. A few days ago, I sheepishly told her that I wasn’t as careful as I thought I was.

This image is from a beautiful lunch made for me on my birthday by my hairdresser and good friend, Shahin. She is from Afghanistan and the food she prepared for me that day was delicious!

This image is from a beautiful lunch made for me on my birthday by my hairdresser and good friend, Shahin.
The Afghan food she prepared for me that day was delicious!

One thing I learned early on as an artist (and as a human) is that everyone has differing opinions. As a songwriter, if I seriously listen to opinions from other people about my music, I get confused and anxious. This happens even when my friends have positive intentions.

When I shared my story about Sarah with a good friend (who is very supportive of me), she said, “You know, I shared your songs with someone else who told me the same thing; that you were overly praising your mother.”

Those sentences definitely bothered me and made it hard for me to let go of my hurt feelings. I’ve written many stories on this blog describing interactions with my mother that were less than perfect. I felt misunderstood.

This is a picture of my good friend, Janis with her mother. Her mother died a week after my mother died in October of 2013.

A few days later, I was able to put all of this behind me when I had lunch with my good friend, Janis.

Our mothers had died a week apart in October of 2013. We had met for lunch many times since then and shared our grief. Now over a year later, it was not at the forefront of our minds like before.

Janis and I chatted happily over Japanese food, catching up on life over the past few months. Then she said, “Oh, by the way – we had a small family gathering last week for the unveiling of my mother’s headstone.”

Suddenly, she reminded me how I had played my song “You Were There” at the funeral for her mother; I had completely forgotten about it. I was honored to have been asked. It was only a week after my mother’s funeral in the same location.

Janis asked her daughter to read the lyrics to my song “You Were There” aloud at the gravesite where the family gathered. But her daughter said she couldn’t because the words choked her up too much. Janis wasn’t able to read them either. In the end, she told me her son read the lyrics to my song aloud.

I was touched and smiled. My good friend had related my song to her own situation.

I thanked her for sharing that and then told her about my upsetting “Internet experience.” Now I was able to laugh it off. Janis even added to my good feelings by telling me her daughter had made her a special pillow as a Mother’s Day gift last year.

She said, “The pillow has a picture of my mother on it and the lyrics from your song!”

All my life, every day

You were there when I’d need you

All the time, I just knew

You’d be there and you’d see me through

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged A Sailboat Ride, Afghan lunch, Azalea illustration, butterfly, caring, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, death of parents, healing music, I've Always Cared, inspiration, Internet hate, Judy Unger, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, My mom, optimism, original songs, performing, sailboat poem, singing, songwriting, We were strangers, writing, You Were There | 10 Comments

I STILL REMEMBER – PART 2

Posted on January 10, 2015 by Judy

I didn’t do anything musically between the ages of 21 and 50, and I’m grateful that when I began playing my guitar again after almost thirty years, I could still remember most of the songs I wrote so long ago.

Sometimes, I imagine myself to be a song gardener.

I’ve been an artist all of my life. And working with music involves much of the same abilities I’ve used as a professional illustrator.

As teenager, I know I never imagined the things I can now do with music and art on my computer. Initially, I was overwhelmed by learning how to use a computer. But gradually I embraced the digital age and now I’m in awe of what a computer does for my creative life.

There’s a lot that I do as a song gardener, and most of it is not about composing new songs. I’m very busy growing and tending to the huge song garden I already have. Occasionally, I will write a new song when I’m very emotionally moved to do so. In 2014, I composed five new songs: “My Shining Star,” “Misunderstood,” “Take Me Away,” “Watching You Grow” and “Wonder Why.”

This picture was taken two years ago when I played guitar in the garden for my mother at her nursing home.

This picture was taken two years ago when I played guitar for my mother in the garden at her nursing home.

Perhaps I could be more dedicated to writing new material, but exploring older songs has a healing aspect, which allows me to understand more about myself.

In May of 2010, I met and began working with an arranger named George. Our first arrangements were usually created quickly in one session. George recorded me playing my guitar and then added instrumentation to the recording.

I’m still attached to many of those early songs, but now George and I collaborate to create arrangements over several sessions. The process we use is called “Midi” and it allows for many more options, such as the ability to easily change instruments, key and/or tempo.

As I redo some of those older songs, I’ve become more open to chord and lyric changes than I was in the past. As a result, many old songs that I thought were “throw-aways” have been transformed into something new and touching.

I’m a 55-year-old woman and it has been a long time since I last felt romantic love. I was squirming recently while singing the lyrics to one of my old love songs – especially when I mention a first kiss!

But I’m really excited to share a new arrangement for “It Might Have Been” that is absolutely gorgeous. The sweet music and melody remind me why I love being a passionate songwriter.

My song is a magic carpet that sweeps me off my feet and transports me to an ethereal place.

Technically, I am proud that I’ve expanded my ability as a guitarist by playing a lead line instead of fingerpicking like I usually do. I give the credit for that to George. I plan to share a story about this song with a vocal soon.

Last August, it was very touching for me to sing the very same song I wrote when I was married at a garden wedding for my niece.

Last August, it was very touching for me to sing at a beautiful garden wedding for my niece. I played the very same song I wrote when I was married.

The line of “I still remember” was a later lyric addition to both “It Might Have Been” and “Laughter and Tears.” I find memories of love to be uplifting.

LINK TO PART 1 OF THIS STORY: I STILL REMEMBER – PART 1

This photo was taken in a garden long ago, when I was 20. I am wearing a necklace given to me by my future husband. After I was married, I never received another piece of jewelry from him.

HER SONG GARDEN

The Princess was a song gardener.

When she began to write and sing from her heart, she imagined that she was on a journey, going to fabulous new places. She especially dreamed about fame and fortune because she wanted her family to share in her excitement.

But it turned out her journey wasn’t about seeking those things.

When the Princess opened up her heart, she climbed out from a dark hole of emptiness that she had lived with for far too many years. Once she was in a place of light, she found clarity and decided to completely change her life. She found her courage because of the songs that magically appeared with lyrics to guide her.

Even though she had been lonely for years, it was still scary to leave behind the only life she had ever known as an adult.

From the time she was 21, she had shared most of her life with a former Prince who ended up becoming a Dragon to her. When she left him, their offspring all depended on her. After travelling down a fiery path of unbelievable change, the Princess prayed for healing.

–

She suffered greatly from pain in her eyes and it felt like her journey was over. Her pain would not allow her to move forward or even dream.

She found healing when she let go of looking for her journey’s destination.

Slowly, her dreams came alive again. She pictured herself languishing in beautiful golden valley, surrounded by song blossoms. The Princess lived a simple life and felt her strength returning.

She shared a tiny cottage with two of her children, but her noisy sons often disturbed her concentration. She loved all of her children deeply and never missed the enormous castle she once lived in even though she had more space to find solitude. The many years filled with stress and worries were behind her now.

When her sons were home, she was quiet and withdrawn. But whenever she was alone, she would dance and sing aloud with abandonment.

Her heart was open and loving as she spent her days cultivating an immense garden of songs.

She labored with so much passion that sometimes it left her exhausted. But the sweet melodies were magnificent and only reinforced her dedication. The Princess felt that her songs were sparkling jewels and she treasured every single one. In the past, she had doubted her self-worth and felt discouraged because she hadn’t made enough money to satisfy the Dragon.

Now the Princess felt rich because of her songs. Every new song bloomed more beautifully than the one before it.

She loved the words of “I still remember,” even though there were so many things about her past that were painful to remember.

It was because she knew that her feelings and memories were the seeds for her lovely garden.

When she fully allowed herself to fully view the exquisite landscape of blossoms that she had tended now for several years, she was in awe. She was certain there was nothing in the world more beautiful – she didn’t have to spend her life searching anymore.

All she did was travel within to find it.

This image was created for a chapter in my audio book about my life, which I hope to share someday.

© 2015 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, arranging a song, beautiful music, comforting music, composing, creativity, disillusionment in a relationship, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, gratefulness, gray divorce, guitar, guitar arrangement, healing music, I still remember, inspiration, It might have been, journey toward healing, Judy Unger, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories and divorce, Music, music and healing, musical arranging, musical comfort, navigating divorce after a long marriage, optimism, original songs, passionate songwriter, relationships, sadness end of marriage, singing, song garden, songwriter, songwriting, the princess and the dragon | 6 Comments

ONE DAY YOU ARRIVED

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Judy

This year, I was blessed to have many wonderful illustration assignments. Illustrating Chai for a yogurt label was actually fun. Occasionally I receive assignments that are challenging, especially a recent one for gourmet popcorn.

Last year, I was blessed to have many wonderful illustration assignments. In this picture, I’m illustrating Chai for a yogurt label. It was actually fun. Occasionally I receive assignments that are challenging, especially a recent one for gourmet popcorn.

Time used to be my enemy while in grief, but now time is my friend. Often, I’ll have wonderful ideas for a blog story but run out of time to write down my thoughts. I’m exploding with feelings, but most of my energy is spent expressing myself through music.

My desire to express myself creatively is probably due to the fact that I spent decades with everything locked inside.

For most of my adult life, I devoted myself to my family and worried about making everyone around me happy. I adore my children and now I’m teaching them new lessons about self-exploration!

I have been an artist by profession since 1981; I continue to illustrate and am always thankful for the income. But it’s interesting how throughout my life I was never passionate about art like I am now about music.

Perhaps it’s because being an illustrator isn’t as creative as it might seem. There is little self-expression involved and my energy is directed toward pleasing my clients.

At this time in my life, I feel like I have arrived as an artist because I can choose the jobs I want to take. I am very appreciated by my clients and it’s a wonderful feeling.

For every job, I search to find reference that will help me.

Recently, I had a small job illustrating popcorn. I tried very hard to make the product look appetizing – it was more challenging than I can possibly share here. Despite the outcome, I found the art director to be lovely; we got along well even though the job didn’t go well.

This was the actual product below:

My first layouts, which resembled the actual product above, were rejected. After that, I was given precise instructions for ways to “enhance” the product. Chocolate drips and chocolate covered peanuts had to be visible; even a “cut-away” of popcorn was requested. I purchased another brand online for reference and created new layouts that looked nothing like the actual product I had been sent.

It was probably a good thing the job was cancelled. I completed one final painting and had worked very hard to develop all three flavors. But the idea of a phony image on a label with a disclaimer of ”artist’s conception” felt like a lie to me.

I was eating very healthy until this project gave me far too much temptation.

Almost every post on my blog is titled with a line of lyrics from one of my songs.

I titled this story with a line from my song named “Watching You Grow.” My song was written because I was elated at seeing how my children had come so far. In the back of my mind, I also wondered about my child who never had the opportunity to grow up since he died at the age of five.

I started this post sharing my growth as an illustrator.

And at the end of my post I will share a story about a boy who lost his mother when he was a teenager; she never had the chance to see what a wonderful man he grew up to be. One day he arrived to share that with me!

What I do with my musical expression is say what is true for me. I love lyrics because they tell a story with just a few simple words.

Sometimes, my lyrics will change simply as they fall out of my mouth. Recently, as I was singing a new vocal for my song “Beside Me Always” – a single word changed. The word “and” became “then.”

I feel your love and you’re beside me

became

I feel your love then you’re beside me

I was surprised how I had done this in such an unconscious way. I wanted to understand my reasons for that change, and the insight I found was very profound for me. Changing the word “and” to “then” related to healing.

When I wrote lyrics for “Beside Me Always” before Jason’s funeral, I wanted to forever imagine him being beside me. That image was very comforting.

But had my dead child been beside me always? I was very isolated by my grief; the truth was that I longed for a sign of him for many years and instead, there was only emptiness and longing.

It was my love for him that broke my heart, but later on I realized how much he wanted me to heal. After years of anguish and emptiness, I found peace with his essence of pure love. Now I felt him; he was always there even when I couldn’t see him.

I hardly played my guitar for thirty years, but there were a few special exceptions. I performed “Beside Me Always” at the funeral for a good tennis friend who died 17 years ago in 1998. Her name was Linda Shaff.

I wrote about our friendship on my blog in 2010. Then last year, Linda’s son, Todd discovered me through my story about his mother. Reconnecting with him was a truly remarkable experience and I wrote two stories with the links below:

#386 I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED – PART 1

#387 I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED – PART 2

Todd lived in Northern California, about 300 miles away. I had little memory about meeting him; he was only a young boy during the time when Linda and I were friends. So many times she had confided to me how she worried about him during her long battle with ovarian cancer.

After Todd reached out to me, we became Facebook friends. Two weeks ago, I saw a post that he was in my area visiting his father. I sent him a message:

Hi Todd, if you are ever able to squeak away while visiting your dad – let me know. I’d love to see you both. Hope you had a nice holiday!

The next day, I received a message back from him with an invitation to meet him at a deli for lunch. I couldn’t believe it; all these years later I would actually meet Linda’s son who was now a 35-year-old man!

I sent him a message accepting his invitation below:

Sounds perfect! I need to stop by Guitar Center for some strings and it’s right near there. I’ll see you at noon and I’m treating!

I drove up in front of the deli and recognized Todd right away from his pictures on Facebook. He smiled as he recognized me, too.

One of the first things I asked Todd was why he chose this deli for us to meet at. He replied sweetly, “This is where Mom used to take me on special outings together. I thought it would be nice to do that with you.”

As he spoke about his life, I was having a long conversation with Linda in my mind. I said, “Oh, Linda – look at this wonderful man you gave birth to. He’s achieved so much and I wish you could have lived to see this moment. Or can you see us? I wish, I wish you knew how happy I am to meet him!”

Todd shared with me about his passion for teaching. It was obvious that he loved his job and the rugged area he had chosen to live in. He brought me up to date about his father’s life and seemed to be very centered. Even though he wasn’t in a relationship, he clearly looked forward to becoming a father.

I hadn’t had time to pick up my guitar strings and Todd offered to go with me to Guitar Center. He also played guitar and thought it might be fun for us to check out some interesting guitars together. I hopped into his large pickup truck and he drove. All the while, I couldn’t stop smiling.

Together we examined the many steel-string guitars in a back room. I pulled one down and decided to play one of my songs. I surprised myself by singing aloud. Normally I wouldn’t have done that in such a public place, but it was just the two of us in an empty room. The acoustics were great and my voice was very soft. As I played, Todd began to join in with lead guitar. It sounded magical.

Afterwards, Todd drove me back to the restaurant where I had left my car. He said, “You know, my mom loved you so much. She said she could tell you things that no one else could understand.”

He had no idea how much his words warmed my heart. I never knew that Linda felt that way about me. She had asked me to sing and speak at her funeral and I knew that was a great honor. I was glad that I overcame my fear of death and asked to see her the day before she died. I would never forget that day.

It happened as I said goodbye to Todd. A shiver went through me.

I felt her beside me!

My eyes were watering as I drove home. Linda and I continued to have a lovely conversation in my mind.

LATER CORRESPONDENCE:

Todd, it was so wonderful to have lunch with you. Have a safe drive back to Santa Cruz. I predict 2015 holds many wonderful things in store for you. See how great you look in the pictures we took?

I really enjoyed spending time with you as well, Judy! Great pics! I wish you the best of luck with your music and songwriting career… you have such a lovely voice!

Todd, thank you! I changed my strings (to the Martin’s you recommended) and they’re great. I’m recording some guitar into one of my songs today and I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m going to try to play some “lead lines” like you did. I’m not that good at it – I’ll let you know how it works out!

Happy New Year, Judy! I’m glad you like the different gauge strings. Enjoy recording your beautiful songs. I would like to sit down sometime and find some songs we can play together…maybe you can even give me a tip or two on bettering my singing voice. Lunch warmed my heart, and brought back wonderful memories of Mom. I know she is pleased we are becoming friends. Please stay in touch and let me know how your music develops…and if you ever want to come up and check out Santa Cruz, I have a guest room and love to do tour guide! With Love, Todd

I have a feeling 2015 is going to be a special year for you. Yes, your mom would be so pleased about us meeting. I swear I had shivers as I was saying goodbye to you. I actually felt her presence!

UPDATE:

It turned out that 2015 was a great year for Todd. He contacted me to let me know he was getting married! I was so honored to be invited to his wedding. Although I was not able to attend, Todd assured me that the next time he was in my area he would introduce me to his new wife, Alice. I’m looking forward to it!–

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, artist, beautiful music, Beside Me Always, Chai Latte, child's death, comforting music, commercial artist, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, expressing feelings, friends, gratefulness, grief, grief and healing, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing music, hope for healing, hope of healing, illustrator, inspiration, Judy Unger, Linda Shaff, loss, loss of a close friend, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, optimism, original songs, painting, proud of your children, singing, songwriting, Todd Shaff, Watching You Grow, writing | 2 Comments

ANGEL IN THE SKY – PART 2

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Judy

–

ANGEL IN THE SKY

–

My love for you grows over time

with every song and every rhyme

I dream about your sweet embrace

your sparkling eyes; your beautiful face

–

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

I still cry, so you must know I miss you so

my angel in the sky

you’re my angel in the sky

–

Your precious smile glows in my mind

you uplift; you are my gift

And when I die; you’ll hold my hand

my lovely light, just not in sight

–

CHORUS

–

Gone for years and I still cry

don’t you know, my love just didn’t die

–

You are my angel in the sky, like a butterfly

you flew away and couldn’t stay

we had to say goodbye

I still cry so you must know

I miss you so, my angel

Gone for years and I still cry

You’re my angel in the sky

–

Click the blue links below to hear my songs:

Angel in the Sky #2 Arrangement 2014

Angel in the Sky Acoustic Home Recording

In 2012, I wrote my song “Angel in the Sky” to express enduring love for my child who died in 1992.

I was excited about “Angel” from the start; George and I began arranging it before I had even finished composing all the chords and lyrics. My song fell into place and I loved our first arrangement for a long time. But for some reason, I kept struggling with my vocal for it – I felt my voice was either too soft or too harsh for this song.

During that time period, George and I turned many of my songs into instrumentals. The link to the instrumental for that first version of “Angel in the Sky” is below:

As I’ve continued to explore new arrangements for many of my songs, I chose to do a new arrangement for “Angel in the Sky” with the hope that this time the music would evoke more emotion from me. I find this new version to be hauntingly beautiful. George’s encouragement to add a bridge caused the song to really touch me more because of the new lyrics I wrote for it.

Three words of: “I still cry” arose in my subconscious after I had an exchange with a woman named Sammi. Sammi articulates her grief very well and I’ve shared our correspondence before on my blog. A few months ago, I had shared with Sammi one of my favorite inspirational songs named “Hang On.” Sammi replied:

Judy, what a beautiful song you have written for us. It brought me to tears. If I had any objections, it would be to the line about how the “pain will go away.”

I ache every minute I’m awake and it is worse when I am with other people. It’s hard to hide that you are screaming like a banshee inside. I can understand your protective feeling over your music and how it is interpreted. This is after all, the baring of your soul through music.

Sammi, I wish I could tell you your pain will go away with complete honesty. I cry when I sing and I sometimes I still cry about my son. The tears are there but the pain is different.

It would be better if my lyrics went, “One day your agony will go away.” That is what I meant. But there probably is a better way to say it – so I thank you for your feedback!

Judy, I didn’t mean to imply that your lyrics needed changing. They do not. I was just stating my preference. Your music is very personal to you and I would never do that. I had no doubt you still cry for your son. No doubt at all.

My desire to inspire hope of healing to people who are in deep grief comes from a place of compassion. Sometimes, I’ve regretted telling someone grieving that they will feel better in the future because I have no way of knowing that. The best truth I can offer is only as an example. And that means I must be clear about what healing means to my own life.

Many years ago, I went to see a woman whose young child had died the day before. A relative of mine had asked me to go and offer her comfort. When I arrived, the woman was sitting despondent on a sofa and her family was gathered around. The room was hushed and everyone there hung upon my every word.

I didn’t know what to say. But the question she wanted me to answer still echoes in my mind. She asked me if she would ever feel better and be happy again in her life.

I still know this woman and she has told me that I helped her tremendously even though I wasn’t sure what to tell her about anything “getting better.” At that time, my child had died only two years before (in 1992) and I was grieving deeply.

The reason I am writing about this memory is because hope of healing was something I never imagined I could offer. I always prayed that I would feel better after my son died. It was horrendous and unbearable for many years and I lost hope many times.

In 2010, I achieved great joy from writing and music after living like a zombie for over thirty years. Now I had done more than simply survive my grief; I had actually found happiness. It was so miraculous for me that I wanted to share my story with the world.

I devoted the next two years to writing about my life and the healing I achieved.

I spent days, weeks, months and years creating an audio book. My audio book consisted of 34 audio stories and in total was 10½ hours long. The entire process taught me a lot about recording because I put my words under a microscope. I recorded my stories several times over. I scoured the recordings for sibilant (harsh) noises.

I even illustrated covers for every story.

I was very close to releasing my book in 2012, but then my father died. A month after his death, I decided to end my marriage. Shortly after separating, I was plagued with complications in my eyes due to cataract surgery. On top of those things, my mother had dementia and was rapidly declining. It was all very overwhelming.

Looking back, I see how my focus upon “cleaning up” my audio recordings was a metaphor for my life. Erasing flaws was something I did by tuning out the many unpleasant aspects of my marriage for years and years. I was a master of smoothing things out for my parents and children; I smiled, but inside I was lonely.

A year later, the excitement I felt about healing from grief faded away. I came to the conclusion that my audio book was preachy. The biggest issue I had was with my speaking voice. In order to avoid making “harsh sounds,” I spoke many of my stories with a sweet and artificial voice. It wasn’t me!

Not only did my voice sound phony, my message of finding joy just wasn’t ringing true for me. So the book I had worked on for thousands of hours was shelved.

I still plan to create a new audio book someday. It will happen when I am peaceful and clear about what I want to say. My journey is now about doing what truly makes me happy – creating music.

Music is magical and swirls through me; my songs are alive and I’m always finding new insights from them.

Instead of slaving to tell my story, I’ve decided to live it.

LYRIC EXPLANATIONS AND THOUGHTS:

I have a great attachment to butterflies and see them as metaphors for death and grief.

Jason came very close to death as an infant (he had a severe congenital heart defect). Although he lived five years, inside I felt certain that I would have to say goodbye to him someday.

On my first arrangement, I sang: “You are an angel in the sky.” For this version, I found myself singing instead: “You are my angel in the sky.” It was because the music inspired a much more personal feeling for me.

Many of my songs can be woven together lyrically. I revised the lyrics for my song “Beside Me Always” shortly after Jason died. The line of “I dream of you in a distant sky” became a foundation for “Angel in the Sky.”

I’ve chosen to look at my son’s death differently after so many years of agonizing grief. What I once labeled as “just another nightmare,” has been transformed into something that uplifts me. My son was an extraordinary gift to my life because he has inspired me in many beautiful ways.

–

The words above express how my son’s presence as an angel has alleviated many of my fears, including my own death.

There is so much for me to say about “my lovely light” that I wrote a story about it. The link is below:

#460 MY LOVELY LIGHT

Those words above are from my song “My Shining Star.”

I continue to maintain healing from my grief but I will always miss my son. He is close by and comforts me whenever I cry.

Not only are the words “I still cry” in my bridge, they are also in the chorus.

When I wrote the new bridge lyrics, I allowed the mood of the music to help me. Those few simple words can cause me to become quite emotional – especially with the subsequent line of, “You must know I miss you so.”

I am directly speaking to Jason – telling him that even after all these years I still miss him. His absence was shattering.

“My love just didn’t die” when he did.

The evolution of those three words “I still cry” actually began with another song of mine.

I composed “Every Season” in 2010. It was my first completely new song that I wrote after 30 years of musical silence. My first version of that song had a line in it that I decided to tweak two years later.

The line I changed was: “As the seasons go by, each time I still cry.”

Because I didn’t feel sad on Jason’s death anniversary in 2012, I decided I had most certainly healed. My absence of tears was proof. I revised the line to:

“As the seasons go by, the memories don’t die.”

My new line was also very meaningful for me. But something clearly was brewing with the fact that I didn’t like the line of “I still cry.”

I write a lot about tears, perhaps because suppressing them was my habit for a long time. When music touches my heart, being emotional is a release for me; every tear represents love and longing.

I don’t feel I have to prove that I’m “over” my son’s death.

My child, Jason, has been gone now for twenty-two years. I see his absence as sad, but my “angel in the sky” has never left me.

The message that continues to ring true for me and that I can share is: I have survived the worst part of my loss.

And I have achieved happiness that I never believed was possible after losing my son.

My angel’s sparkling eyes shine through in this picture.

© 2014 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.