myjourneysinsight

SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE

Posted on July 14, 2013 by Judy

Click the blue links below to hear audio:

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SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE–

Everything that I have gone through led me to this place

Even though my heart’s been broken with all I’ve had to face

I will shine through my pain, even in darkness

I refuse to give in to bitterness

A fire once burned through my soul, it left me scarred and sad

My tears could easily fill an ocean, but love was what I had

I didn’t want losing you to tear me apart

I was blessed to be healed

Your love filled my heart

I hold on to love that’s in my memory

You’re not gone; you’re somewhere I can’t see

I won’t drown in misery

Because your love rescues me

It’s your love that rescues me

Every challenge just reminds me hold on to each day

No matter where my journey leads me, love will guide my way

I will climb through the clouds up into the sky

With every beat and every breath

I’ll love until I die

I hold on to the love that heals me

You’re not gone; you’re somewhere I can’t see

I won’t drown in misery

Because your love rescues me

Your love that rescues me, rescues me

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I received a lot of love from my parents and felt safe with them. This picture captures that feeling well.

When I am asked what kind of music I create, my answer is usually that I consider my genre to be one of “healing music.” I feel as if I’ve invented my own category!

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What exactly does “healing music” mean? For me, I see my songs as blessings that have helped me to personally heal. My songs comfort me greatly and help me to cope with all the challenges in my life.

Every song that I have written since my musical rediscovery at the age of 50 has deeply guided me. I believe I ended my marriage because of one of my songs. I was married for over three decades, so that’s definitely a profound impact from a song!

The satisfaction of knowing that my songs could help other people is indescribable. After three years, I’ve decided that improving my music and sharing it is what my journey is all about.

My writing and sharing began with this blog in February of 2009. I never imagined when I began that I would be where I am today.

It is important for me to explain that there are actually two distinct journeys I am following. There is my journey of insight, which is simply about finding meaning from my life. My musical journey is about how I have given myself permission to passionately create music.

Both journeys intersect, such as connecting to my vocal cords while singing and expressing my true feelings in my personal life. And my song’s lyrics always express my inner thoughts. All of my songs are enmeshed with my life and sometimes I dance around imagining that I’m living in a musical.

The first year of my journey was about remembering all of the songs I wrote before my music ended. I was delirious with joy. At the same time, I wrote about traumatic grief memories. As I released those stories, I began to heal from the numbness and anguish I had suffered with for decades.

The second year of my journey began with emptiness. I had finished reworking all of the songs I could remember from the past. I had no idea about whether I wanted to write new songs as an older woman. This was where something spiritual happened for me. I didn’t choose to write songs – they began to appear for me. I could not hold them back nor call them up. Every song had a life of its own. The songs held so many layers of meaning; I kept discovering new interpretations the more I sang them.

Unfortunately, my joy began to ebb away because my songs gave me clarity and insight I hadn’t had before. I could not be joyful because I was living an artificial life. I had zero affection and no connection in my marriage for decades (a rhyme from one of my songs). I suffered in silence and escaped into music because it was the one place where I could honestly express my feelings.

My third year of my journey was when I found the courage to change my life.

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I was an artist from the time I was young. I drew this pastel as a child. I am now sailing on that boat above into uncharted waters.

I actually remember drawing this picture when I was a young girl.

My father died a little over a year ago. A month after that, I told my husband I wanted a divorce after 31 years of marriage.

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It has been nine months since I moved out. I am living in my childhood coop/apartment that I had originally planned to sell after my father’s death. It turned out to be a great place for me to start over.

This has been a sad time for me. I find it a daily challenge not to cry when my eyes feel foggy and my vision is dingy. I am not gentle with myself about it. I berate myself for not overlooking what must be fairly minor since an eye chart shows my vision to be perfectly acceptable. There are far worse things I could suffer from and my condition is supposed to eventually improve.

I still tend to suffer with my three children and whatever problems they have that I wish I could “fix.” I carry a lot of guilt over upending my husband’s life, as well as my children’s. My mother continues to ebb away with dementia. The fact that my eyesight constantly bothers me makes everything harder.

The symptoms of my sadness have been nail-biting and weight gain. I am very frustrated with myself and feel stuck.

I miss the joy I carried the first year of my musical journey. If any insight could be gleaned from all of this, it would be that I know healing is possible. I am certain that I have healed from horrific grief after the death of my child.

Therefore, I know I will heal from my current pain and sadness.

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The only page I wrote while composing my song. There were a few changes, but not many.

My unreleased audio book is all about finding joy after loss. I am determined not to give up hope that I will heal, because then I wouldn’t be following my own clear message of hopefulness. That is why my new song is such a blessing for me.

The last song that I composed was “Angel in the Sky” seven months ago. I truly do not look to write new songs because I am quite busy recording vocals and working upon improving my singing voice. My plan is to finish my first audio book CD and start recording my second book, which isn’t even written yet. I try not to impose deadlines upon myself, because I am the singer, guitarist, lyricist, composer, illustrator and writer for all of my creations. It is overwhelming at times to be doing so many things, but I actually find it quite amazing that I have the ability to express myself creatively in so many ways.

Unlike most of my songs, “Somewhere I Can’t See” unfolded at a snail’s pace. I heard the chords and composed the melody three months ago. I wrote one verse a month and a few weeks ago scrawled out the chorus. There weren’t pages of lyrics, nor did a construct a bunch of rhymes to work with, which is something I often do. There was only one page!

My song was inspired by one of my favorite stories on this blog, and I share a blue link to it below:

ALL I HAVE LEFT AFTER THE DEATH OF MY CHILD

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A fire that burned through my soul” is a lyric line that comes directly from that story above. It is a beautiful metaphor for grief after my child died. Another lyric line in my song came directly from another poem on this blog named “My Tears Filled An Ocean.”

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Because I was inspired by my story about healing from love, I wanted to sing, “Love heals me” at the end of my song. But instead I kept singing, “Love rescues me.”

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Needing to be rescued sounded more desperate and more appropriate for my current situation, so it made sense. It led me to believe that my song’s title would therefore be “Love Rescues Me.”

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But for some reason, I wasn’t excited about it. It seemed too obvious and there were many other possibilities. “You’re Not Gone” wasn’t a bad choice. I have written a lot about feeling love and surviving loss by seeing my loved one in other ways. It reminded me of my song “Hang On,” which I originally named “Love Will Always Stay.” That name did not stick.

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Then I had a revelation while singing the lyric line of “somewhere I can’t see.” Those words held a lot of meaning for me. Initially, it was about knowing that the future held things for me I couldn’t envision at the moment. Then I realized it applied to my annoying vision; eventually my eyes would improve or I would adjust to them somehow.

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Just as I was losing hope, my song came along to lift me up!

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I can’t see where I’m going; no human can. I accept that I have a lot of challenges. Despite those hurdles, I cherish my new life and carry no regrets. I wrote on my last post about the favorite lyric line in this song: “I refuse to give in to bitterness.” I must mention that I changed one word: “give in” replaced the word “succumb.” My arranger, George, suggested I replace “succumb” with an alternate word that was more pleasing to the ear. He didn’t like the word “challenge” either, but I decided not to replace it.

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Another lyric line that relates to my current situation is: “I will climb through the clouds up into the sky.” The clouds represent the uncomfortable eyesight I currently have due to complications from cataract surgery. I hope to adjust because I want to climb up and out of the hole I am currently struggling in!

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I love dreaming and will never stop. I continue to smile and always will.

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Happiest with my guitar

The most important message from my song (and my journey) is to inspire people to know that healing from grief is possible.

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When I sing my song, I remember my dead son, Jason and how much love I feel to and from him.

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When I sing my song, I remember how much my parents loved me. I feel their love and my mother still expresses her love for me despite severe dementia.

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When I sing my song, I try to conquer fear about ever finding romantic love again in my life.

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When I sing my song, the “love that’s in my memory“ is also about my love for music that I pushed aside for decades. It turned out it wasn’t gone!

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When I sing my song, I am reminded of God’s love, because I have been blessed by inspirational music to help me.

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But most importantly, when I sing my song I am reminded that self-love is the answer.

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I won’t drown in misery!

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Below I share pictures of the love that I hold onto.

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In this picture I am hiking with my childhood friend, Joni (in the center) and my brother, Norm is on the left. Joni encouraged me to play my guitar again after decades of it being in a dusty case.

In this picture I am on a hike with my childhood friend, Joni (in the center) and my brother, Norm on the left. Joni encouraged me to play my guitar again after decades of it being in a dusty case.

Love shines through in this grainy photo of my best friend in college. Cheryl died five years ago.

This photo carries the memory of romantic love. I am wearing a pendant/necklace and my future husband wore the other half.

My two brothers have been very kind to me since my father died. Sadly, they do not communicate with each other since shortly before my father’s death.

This is a picture of Jason as a baby. He died when he was five from a heart defect. Jason loved my guitar and music. After his death, I could not sing for a very long time.

I learned so much about love from my children. It began with Jason and continues to this day with my three living children.

My good friend, Marge, came over to visit me last week. We’ve been friends for 35 years. Marge heard my new song, which I played for her in my apartment. She thought the “You’re not gone, you’re somewhere I can’t see” could also relate to my ex-husband. Whew, my song has so many hidden meanings!

I posted this picture two years ago. I have lunch every week with my brother’s separately. I see my handsome nephew and middle brother, Howard, mid-week. I see my brother Norm, and sister-in-law, Jo on Saturdays. My father is crying in heaven about our family rift. He is also crying that I am biting my fingernails again.

I posted this picture two years ago. I have lunch every week with my mother and each brother separately. I see my handsome nephew, Sean and middle brother, Howard mid-week. I see my brother Norm, and sister-in-law, Jo on Saturdays. My father is not smiling in heaven. He is crying about our family rift. He is also crying that I am biting my fingernails again.

Thank you, God for my music and songs.

© 2013 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, bitterness, blessings, child's death, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, expressing feelings, Friendship, god and music, gray divorce, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing from grief, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love, love heals, love rescues me, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, misery, mother's illness, Music, music poetry, musical inspiration, musical passion, original songs, overcoming grief, passion for music, performing, rediscovery, singing, Somewhere I can't see, songs about love, songwriting, writing | 2 Comments

EVERYTHING LED ME TO THIS PLACE – PART 1

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Judy

I created this painting many years ago, and it seems like a great depiction of summer for me. I have great air conditioning where I’m living now, which is something I’m thankful for!

I created this painting many years ago, and it reminds me of summer. I have great air conditioning where I’m living now, which is something I’m thankful for!

This is a close up to show the melon reflecting in the sunglasses. I am still cutting watermelon for my youngest son, who is 16. But the reference photo for this painting was taken in my children’s old sandbox and those days are over!

I am very excited to share that I have written my first new song in four months.

Here are lyrics to my first verse:

Everything that I have gone through led me to this place

Even though my heart’s been broken, with all I’ve had to face

I will shine through my pain, even in darkness

I refuse to succumb to bitterness

I’m not even certain what I will name my song, but the lyrics are profound and speak to me in many beautiful ways.

My favorite line is: “I refuse to succumb to bitterness.”

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Accepting that my past has made me who I am today, allows me to live without regrets and bitterness.

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It might be interesting to know that I originally wrote: “You won’t find a trace of bitterness.”

That wasn’t truly honest. I am human and want my song lyrics to reflect the fact that there were times I wrestled with unhappiness about some of the difficult circumstances I have faced in my life. No doubt there were sometimes traces of bitterness, especially with the death of my first child.

I prefer my revised lyric line because refusing to succumb acknowledges the struggle and thankfully, I have prevailed!

Like many of my songs, the theme is about love and memories. There are many dual meanings in my song. Although it appears to speak to those grieving, it is a clear message to me about the power of self-love. I also am trying to maintain optimism that I might one day experience romantic love again in my life.

My post title was taken from the first line of my song. I accept that the many things that were difficult in my life allowed me to grow and reach a place of healing and joy. But my post title is also applicable to other things for me.

For instance, I have worked on my singing and vocal editing for endless hours. As a result, I improved phenomenally and many of the songs I edited six months ago I am redoing. I look at my improvement as a learning process; nothing was ever a waste of time because it led me to where I am today.

The place where I now reside is a beautiful one. I love my life because I am following my dream.

Below, I bravely share an acoustic rendition of my new song, which I’m not sure of the final name yet. Clicking the blue link plays audio.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my good friend, Carol. It is a result of my blog that Carol and I reconnected again. My old boyfriend, Sam, found my blog and he gave me information to find Carol. They had formerly been engaged. He knew where she worked after seeing her at a high school reunion.

Sam is a well-known physician and a good friend. He is happily married, and I have many exchanges with him on my blog. I am fortunate to have his friendship.

While having lunch with Carol yesterday, I found it amazing that even though we weren’t in touch for over thirty years, it felt as if our time apart was brief.

I mentioned to Carol that it might be fun to get a pedicure before our lunch. She was open to it and told me she had never had one. For most of my life, I never had either – but when my journey began three years ago, I started to do new things.

I was a little concerned because Carol let out a shriek when the pedicurist dug under one of her nails too deeply. But she quickly recovered and after that the woman was more careful. I hope Carol likes her flowery toenails.

I share our cute feet. I pointed out my bunion on the right because I used to feel my feet were ugly, but not anymore!

Below are some pictures of Carol and I in our twenties and one of us hiking two years ago in our fifties.

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In this picture, my close friend Cheryl is on Carol’s right. Cheryl died from breast cancer five years ago.

“I can’t believe you’re calling to give me good news!”

The nurse on the other line was doing her job. She was calling from my mother’s nursing home and those phone calls were usually bad news. Every bruise or skin tear needed to be reported to me; they happened easily and frequently. My heart skipped a beat as I waited to hear why she was calling.

She informed me that my mother had gained four pounds in one week.

I was astounded. My mother had been steadily losing weight. What a wonderful turn around! I was elated and smiling.

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I thanked the nurse and said, “Do you realize how nice it is that you actually called to give me some good news? That is rare! You could have just let it go and only have called me when she lost weight. Instead, you’ve made my day – thank you so much.”

The nurse wasn’t responsive and I realized she probably had a long list of phone calls to make. Then she stammered and said, “Oops, I am sorry but I made a mistake. Your mom actually lost four pounds this week.”

At that moment, my eyebrows went up so high that they hit my scalp. Before I could say anything, the nurse quickly hung up. I shook my head and laughed out loud at the irony of this whole exchange.

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Recently, as thin as my mother had become – we continued to take pictures with her and revel in the fact that she could be taken out to restaurants.

It is truly a miracle that my mother is still alive with all that she has gone through. In 2009, She survived being on a respirator for two months. For almost a year after that, she had a feeding tube.

But things are different now that she has severe dementia. I made a mental note. I anticipated that if this continued, the nursing home might ask me if I would allow her to have a feeding tube inserted.

For certain, I would not allow it. This is another example of how everything that I have gone through, led me to this place. I am not looking to extend her life and risk her suffering. At this moment, I am so very thankful that my mother is not in pain. My greatest appreciation is that even with her dementia, she is aware of who I am and deeply loves me. Aside from her brief smiling moments with me, the rest of the time she mostly sleeps.

She may not be able to find words anymore. She may not be able to remember how to chew and swallow.

But her face lights up when she sees me. Love is clearly something that she holds onto.

And that is something that I am also inspired to do, despite the heartbreak and loss I have experienced in my life.

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Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Advocacy, Aging Parents, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, dementia, following a dream, Friendship, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, Humor, humor daily life, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting | 2 Comments

HER HEART BECAME MY HEART

Posted on June 29, 2013 by Judy

I love writing for my blog, but lately I am passionately working on music and cannot tear myself away to write a post. But sometimes I feel compelled, and then I know it is time for me to write.

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This post title refers to a beautiful new song arrangement that I recently created, which is a new version of my former song “Music From Her Heart.” My new arrangement is in first person, hence the title of this post. But it also has another meaning, because I want to share words from a woman who is dying from heart failure.

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I always want my posts to be touching, and I realize that my musical updates might be repetitive. But music continues to help me deal with challenges, most notably the change in both of my eyes due to having PVD or posterior vitreous detachment.

Initially, I was overwhelmed by severe depression at the extreme change in my vision. But lately, I am finding that although my vision is unchanged, I am able to ignore it more and more. It is simply another example of acceptance in my life. Nothing stays the same and adjustment is always required for losses in life.

With loss, it is a common thing to tell yourself that things could be worse though it’s not at all comforting. I have a good friend with Stage 4 bone cancer, so I realize how lucky I am to have only an eyesight issue. Although I’ve lost a child, there are parents who have lost more than one child.

But I want to share something touching that did help me find a better “perspective” about my situation. Here is a wonderful new connection that I’ve made in my blogging world. I want to introduce everyone to Sandra Callahan.

Sandra has a blog that is called “The Dr. Says.” Below are words listed on her profile and the large blue link is to her blog:

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The Dr. Says

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Sandra Callahan

Five years ago I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and went into multi-system failure and was put on a ventilator and dialysis. I was given a prognosis of five years, if I were lucky. Well, here I am five years later. Not well, but living with dying.

Sandra left a comment on my blog. I was curious about her and went to read her blog. From the first moment I read Sandra’s words, my heart was touched. I share now a few post links to her stories (in blue) and our correspondence. Her words are in brown.

http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/25/why-do-this/

My husband and others have mentioned I should write a book about my experience. They all seem to feel I have some unique insight into this whole dying thing. It didn’t take long for me to decide that a book would be a waste of precious time and doesn’t everyone think they are experiencing something in a way no one else ever has? We are not really that different, though I fear and delight in.

My sister said a blog would be perfect, although no one reads this so I am torn as to the purpose served here. If you are dying, then you don’t need my advice. As you can see, here I am trying to give this a go and secretly happy that no one will ever read it.

Judy said, May 31, 2013

It looks like many people are reading your inspiring words, Sandra. I plan to read more of your blog. Thank you for reaching out to me. I’ve said that every day is a gift and you are someone I aspire to model! I pray you are not in pain and suffering.

Sandra said, June 1, 2013

I am truly honored that you would choose to take the time to read my blog. You are an inspiration to me and I look forward to reading more of yours.  

http://thedrsays.org/2013/05/30/if-youre-going-through-hell/

Judy said, May 31, 2013

Why is it that I feel your post is personally directed at me now? I completely relate to what you wrote. I always have believed in moving forward, even though sometimes it feels like crawling! And you are correct, because that way we get to “the other side.” Thanks for a great reminder and excellent post.

Sandra said, May 31, 2013

Thank you, Judy. I am so glad you got something out of this post. Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this. Not that others are not doing this, but it is rewarding to know that someone connects with this.

Judy said, May 31, 2013

I believe there are many people who connect with what you write. You are honest and I am touched that you have read my writing. As I cope with eyesight problems, I realize your situation gives me more appreciation for living. Thank you, Sandra.    

Sandra said, June 1, 2013

What you are going through stinks! Losing your eyesight must be frightening. That is the good thing about just dying; I am not faced with making any big life long adjustments:)

http://thedrsays.org/2013/06/14/i-made-it/

Judy said, June 14, 2013

Your post made me cry. I am celebrating for you. I will pray for you to reach the 6-year mark. I started to write 10-year mark – I pray for that, too.

Sandra said, June 16, 2013

Strange, I feel this sort of makes me free of that hoping for x amount of time. Not that I seriously did that, we will continue to just be grateful for whatever time we have. There is a satisfaction in knowing I passed what medical science thought a reasonable guess based on their statistics.  Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

http://thedrsays.org/2013/06/19/when-you-are-out-of-spoons/

Judy said, June 19, 2013

Your post makes me grateful for my life. I think spoons are a wonderful metaphor. We can feed ourselves with them. And we can feed other people. Both are beautiful when we understand that the ability to do that is a “gift with limits.” I won’t take mine for granted after reading this. Rest up and I’ll look forward to when you finish this post.

Sandra said, June 21, 2013

I hope that we can all appreciate what gifts we have. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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“A pivotal moment”

I am inching closer to the finish line for releasing my audio book and song CD that accompanies it. Once I have released my book and music, I am eager to write and create a second audio book.

Every week, I record vocals and occasionally guitar tracks for my numerous song arrangements. Over a six-month period, I’ve worked on approximately 40 songs. I continue to write new songs, and also to create new arrangements for many of my older songs.

Last month, I put aside editing to work on a large illustration assignment. Even while illustrating, I still continued to record songs.

This is all a huge undertaking for me, since every song usually requires twenty hours of editing time. At the same time, I practice singing whenever possible. I record nearby my home with Darrin Kohavi, at his home recording studio.

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A pivotal moment occurred for me a few weeks ago when I was singing the last song for my audio book CD. It was “Music From Her Heart.”

For fun, I wanted to sing that song for my hypnotherapist, Connie. It was obvious how music continued to fuel me. When I finished singing for Connie that day, she asked me about my reasons for singing my song in third person.

Writing in third person was something that my editor, Carol, really disliked and discouraged me from doing. Carol told me that it was impersonal. She was correct, but it certainly made it easier for me to write about things that were painful with that distance.

I told Connie that I would show her the difference. I began singing my song in first person. When I finished, it was clear that this change was dynamic. My song lyrics were definitely much more touching because I could not distance myself when singing “I.”

I had to record a vocal for my song to go with my audio book. But my audio story was already recorded with the song lyrics as “she.” This was a dilemma for me. I didn’t want to rework my audio story. So instead, I decided to move forward to shifting to using “I” by creating a new song arrangement. I have not yet finished editing the vocal for it. So instead, I share my new vocal below for “Music From Her Heart,” the way I wrote originally wrote my song lyrics.

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The link below is to more about this song:

MUSIC FROM HER HEART STORY

I have chosen to look at the things I am grateful for in my life, rather than the things that disappoint me. My eyesight is adequate, because I can still play tennis and notice lizards. A few weeks ago, I found a moment to take pictures of them! For fun, I am sharing those images.

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Lizard on the court

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Recently, I finished my new arrangement for “Music From My Heart.” It was such a beautiful solution! My new arrangement is gorgeous and inspiring for me. I cannot convey how healing it has been for me to create beautiful music that fills my heart.

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My insight was that the shift from “she” to “I” was an integral part of my journey. Sometimes, I feel as if I hardly know who I am.

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The woman I was for decades vanished and has become my shadow.

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Like a shadow, I know she’s there – but I’m in the lead now. Occasionally, I hover outside of my body and see myself as a stranger. It’s confusing, exciting and emotional for me.

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I love the new woman I’ve become. And I have definitely been reborn.

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© 2013 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.comUnauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, blake callahan, composing, creativity, Daily Life, dealing with death, dealing with pvd, death, Friendship, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, inspiration, living with terminal illness, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, Music and recording, music from her heart, music recording, music therapy, musical inspiration, musical passion, Ordinary Life, original songs, singing, song writing, songwriting, writing | 3 Comments

MY WORLD WAS FILLED WITH SONG

Posted on June 26, 2013 by Judy

In this picture, I am outside the guesthouse where I take voice lessons with Kimberly Haynes. –

I find it astonishing how singing has become a perfect metaphor for my “new life.”

When I first began singing again after 30 years, I was afraid to sing strongly – I was told I sang too high and it was shrieky. So to avoid that, I softened my voice and sang with a breathy tone. I did not use my vocal cords at all.

When I began working with my second voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes, she taught me how to actually connect with my vocal cords and use my “red voice,” which is sometimes referred to as a “chest voice.” Blue voice is the higher end of my voice and that is sometimes referred to as a “head voice.”

It has been hard for me to stop singing breathy and to use my red voice.

Initially, it was wonderful to reach low notes and hear resonance I never had before. But the transition has not been easy. The notes in the middle of my voice can go either way. I often have pitch issues and croaking because my muscles aren’t yet strong enough for me to choose which way to go.

In order to develop this part of my vocal range, I have to use it and “allow it,” even though it often sounds croaky. I cannot control it. If I avoid using the muscles for red voice, my voice won’t improve.

I want my voice to have more of a dynamic range and most importantly, I can’t learn something that I’m not willing to try because it’s uncomfortable. This singing concept is an amazing metaphor that easily fits into my personal life.

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Due to my eyesight issues, I haven’t like performing too much. I am more “focused” on editing song vocals for the many songs I plan to release by the end of this year. Recently, I played at Kulak’s Woodshed and it felt great to be back sharing my music.

Due to my eyesight issues, I haven’t felt ike performing too much. I am more “focused” on editing song vocals for the many songs I plan to release by the end of this year.

Change is possible with the willingness to take chances and do things differently.

Below are examples of singing as a metaphor for my life:

1. I overcome fear and anxiousness by accepting change and allowing myself to grow and make mistakes.

2. Softening words and stuffing feelings has been my method of operating for such a long time. Suppressing my voice by not saying my honest feelings left me numb and without emotion.

3. What might sound harsh, is something I must explore in order to find out what true expression is. It is completely new for me.

I plan to continue singing my heart out and learning how to use my complete voice. And at the same time, I plan to navigate my new life with the expression of my true feelings.

One of the most difficult things that I have dealt with is the amount of energy I’ve expended trying to please and make everyone around me happy. For years and years, my entire life was devoted to meeting the needs of others – especially my family.

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Taking care of myself is a new concept. I am learning!

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I don’t really care whether pictures are flattering or not. I share them to convey happiness. This picture is of my childhood friend, Joni and me. Joni came to listen to me sing and record guitar at Darrin’s studio. Joni’s daughter is Darrin’s girlfriend.

Two weeks ago, I had lunch with my high school choir teacher, Frankie Nobert (on the right). I am flanked by two of my good friends and former classmates. Carol is on my left and Amelie is on my right.

I played at an outdoor open mic last week. It was the second time in a week that I performed and the most amazing part was that my daughter also performed!

I played at an outdoor open mic last week. It was the second time in a week that I performed and the most amazing part was that my 19-year-old daughter also performed!

I often post audio excerpts from my voice lessons. I record them and enjoy sharing what I am learning. It sustains me, because I live in a musical world that is uplifting and joyful no matter what other circumstances I have going on in my life.

Music truly has blessed me.

I realize that many people are busy and don’t have time to sit and listen to my banter with Kimberly. For this post, I want to open a door into the world of singing and the metaphor of how my life is about trying new things and allowing for change.

Staying with what is familiar isn’t necessarily the best thing.

Therefore, I’ve transcribed those excerpts, but the words alone do not adequately convey the inflections, laughter, hugs and tears that can be heard as Kimberly and I share our passions.

I am a passionate songwriter.

Kimberly is a passionate voice teacher.

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We both love singing.

What a great combination!

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To play audio, click the blue links:

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LESSON WITH KIMBERLY – BLOG EXCERPT A – 6/16/13

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Kimberly’s words are in brown.

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K. So tell me about your voice. What’s going on; how are you feeling?

J. I’ve been editing a lot. Actually there’s stuff I did a month ago that I haven’t even looked at yet, but it’s always hard because when I go into the studio I want to edit what I’ve just done. And I also want feedback from it.

K. So is there something in particular that you want to work on first?

J. I want to be a better singer! (Laughter) Help me with everything! I know all my flaws because I listen to them. I go, “Why did I sing it like that?”

K. Well, your vocalizing is going well.

J. I do the exercises before I sing because I want to be sure I’m warmed up. I sing in my car, though it’s not “mindful.”

K. Right.

J. I have not had alone time. I have to be honest. My daughter is still home and my son is usually home. There’s never any time when I’m alone. I can go to my car, but when it’s hot – I don’t want to sit in my car. So I have allowed myself to sing a little in my bedroom. I just think, “So what if they don’t like it.”

K. Oh, so you feel like you can’t sing when they’re at your house – because they complain . . .

J. Yes. When I talk about suppressing my voice – I have a big problem here. But thank god I have music; I’m telling you. This editing is tedious, but when I’m done and I finish a song, I just can’t believe it’s mine. There was one day I was just singing and I had warmed up a lot and I was singing some older songs; I thought, “I’m going to go back and just see how it’s going to sound.” And it was open and it felt so good! It’s like I’ve become a singer! (This was obviously on a day when my teenagers weren’t home!)

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K. Awwww . . .

J. Because I always say, “I’m not a singer, I’m not a singer!” I go, “Okay, I’m a singer,” because I could sing it the way I wanted to sing it. It was so great!

K. Great!

J. Thank you. We’re sharing our passion.

Judy does a vocal exercise.

K. That’s empowerment.

J. I’ve been practicing.

K. It’s empowerment for you to know how to fix your own problems.

J. This is what I love. Yes, that’s actually the whole point; it’s so great to have control!

K. Yes!

J. I love it.

K. Excellent work, Judy.

J. You’re the best teacher – what can I tell you?

K. I mean to me . . .

J. Oh, my god you’re crying! I love you! You’ve changed my life! All I can think of is what if I had put out my music before I met you. Oh my god, the difference! It is so amazing. Every day I kiss the ground and say, “God, thank you!”

K. Oh, Judy . . .

J. And it’s so funny, the day that you were singing – what was it about you that made me want to be a singer like you? It was your joy. You had a great voice, no question – and I’ve heard great voices. But you were like a light bulb; you were just shining and singing. That’s how I felt. And that’s what stuck with me. Isn’t that great?

K. The joy that it gives me to see you capable, not just capable – but knowledgeable about what to do to fix what’s happening. You know that’s like teaching your baby bird to fly and then there they go! My job is done!

J. Well, you’re in my head. I hear you. What do I hear? You’re singing to your baby; cooing. I mean I hear that word, because I have it recorded. I really am more than a model student. I’m like an obsessive student. (Laughter) – But look at the payoff!

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT B – 6/16/13

For this clip, I share my vocal work with the new arrangement for “Music From My Heart,” which I am currently working on.

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT C – 6/23/13

J. (Discussing my red voice) I’m so determined to get it that I just lay into it and I know that it’s part of that process. I love the metaphor when you said to me, “We have to allow and not control the transition; to let it happen.” That is such a metaphor for my life, because I’m trying to find my voice in my life with my teenagers and I’m thinking, “Just allow it! Just let it happen and then it will iron itself out. Get used to it! ”

K. I know. I’m dealing with stuff like that, too. Allow, allow, allow! You know, and not to be gripping – onto the way it should be! The way I want it to be!

J. Connecting is big. Softening things sounds better, but it isn’t the true voice. Isn’t that the case?

K. And I don’t think it does sound better.

J. No, and actually it’s not healthy.

K. And when you soften the way you deliver your songs, it doesn’t sound committed.

J. It adds something interesting, drama. It’s boring, otherwise.

K. No, I don’t know if it’s boring. If you’re a person who’s listening to the song who doesn’t listen to the lyrics the way that you and I do, that person who doesn’t listen to lyrics will hear the dynamics of a song.

J. Right.

K. So you want to add that because then those people who are not necessarily listening will all of a sudden go, “Oh, she sang something different now. What did she sing?”

J. Yeah, it makes it interesting. (We work on a song) It’s fast and I have to navigate it quickly. This is all hard for me.

K. Because you’re singing with blue voice and you’re trying to hold onto it.

J. Oh god, I have to think when I sing about everything and it’s all new. I’m getting there, but it’s frustrating.

K. You’re doing so great.

J. I don’t find it critical. I know what my problems are and I have to fix them.

Kimberly demonstrates a line in Judy’s song that is loud.

J. I don’t know if I like the sound, so I hold back – I’m holding back. Because I want to let it out – but’s it’s like the vibrato starts shaking . . . I sound like Tarzan!

Judy’s laughing and Kimberly makes a sound like “fffftttt”

J. I was actually thinking with all the time I spend on editing, if I was spending less time on editing and more time on singing – it would be better!

K. It would.

J. Yes, because I don’t have as much time to work on everything. I go into the studio and it’s “let’s record.” And then I’m done. Like I said, I can’t sing for more than half an hour and that’s it.

K. So then, if you spend your time being really mindful of how you’re singing each song and memorize the feeling, then you go in there and you sing it three or four times and that’s it.

Judy demonstrates a line in her song where she croaks.

J. This is when I have this problem – this is exactly what it does and it’s so frustrating on songs. I want to use my red voice and it’s like the larynx is not listening. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to push it down; I try to set it up. The muscles I use, they aren’t behaving.

K. Okay, it’s not a question of opening your mouth bigger. You’re voice is here – not in your mouth.

J. I’ve always thought I have a “biologically challenged throat.” Remember when I told you I thought I had tightness because I have a small opening? I’ve always said my larynx is different from other people’s larynx – it doesn’t want to listen! It wants to be tight!

K. No! Everybody’s larynx has to be trained to listen.

J. Really?

K. Just like you have to train the muscles to be a tennis player or any other kind of athlete.

J. But there are those people who just open their mouth – it’s all open. Why couldn’t I be born like that? Come on, we know!

K. Pfft. I know – but they’re few and far between.

LESSON KIMBERLY BLOG EXCERPT D – 6/23/13

J. You say “You and I,” but it’s hard for me to imagine you with a tight larynx.

K. Oh, but I had so many issues with my voice over the years and frustration.

J. I don’t see that side to you at all. You’re going to have to explain it, because to me you have the perfect voice.

K. Oh my god, I had extraordinary issues and that’s how come I know very well what it is to sing only in blue voice.

J. I love you. You know me – sister!

K. It’s scary to train yourself to sing in red voice. It’s scary to hear that grinding sound at first.

J. It sounds great when I get it. I love what you said – you can rely on it. It’s scary to try something that doesn’t sound good at first.

K. It is. And it has to grow in its flexibility. The thing about your red voice right now is that it doesn’t have that flexibility. It’s very rigid; like a board. We want flexibility like a stick of bamboo.

J. You know a vocal exercise is like walking and a song is like running. I’m so quick to want to run into my song – but I’m still walking! And I have to translate that and I’m just not fast enough.

Judy and Kimberly work on a song.

J. I feel like for a second, I’m getting it! I just felt it!

K. It was better.

J. It took practice.

K. Well, yes.

J. But I had to suffer and listen to how bad it sounded until it came through. I just have to stick with this.

Judy and Kimberly continue working on a song.

K. You see now how you were out of pitch?

J. Completely.

K. You were out of pitch because you didn’t use your vocal cords.

J. Right – I was going to blue voice, something old. I heard it come right out.

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K. Good! Being really aware of your habits is the key.

J. It’s just such hard work.

K. I know.

J. It’s okay, I’m not complaining. I just want to get there.

Judy starts singing and croaks.

K. That used to happen to me all the time. I know that feeling so intimately.

J. I can’t believe this.

K. I did!

J. How many years? Tell me.

K. It was quite a while ago. To be honest, it was ages ago. But I know that feeling and the whole key to this is strengthening the vocal cords. They don’t know how to stay taut yet.

J. They haven’t learned.

K. Because you’re singing these notes (she demonstrates) right here. Not only is that a transition area – where you can go either way with the voice there, but you’re handing the baton off from one set of muscles to another set of muscles and they’re not strong enough yet to know how to negotiate with each other. So the connection falls apart.

J. Okay.

K. But it will not be that way always.

J. I love you. See, this is what is so great about you. Am I one of the few students that sings in blue voice that you could relate to? Like when you found me – I did what you did?

K. Yes. I haven’t actually had that experience before.

J. I am so lucky to have a teacher that has gone through this and come out the other side! I mean how miraculous is that, Kimberly?

K. Yeah, it’s pretty good.

J. You have personally done this – I love it!

K. Yes, I have personally done this.

J. So I can believe you, I believe you!

K. I sang my whole young life in blue voice and I didn’t use this strong part of my voice, but I’ll tell you when I started using it, everything else became stronger, too. You’ve got to strengthen your voice from the ends.

Kimberly points to notes on a keyboard.

K. So the ends are here. This is the middle. And when we come into the middle – it’s like quicksand. In the beginning, it’s like you’re on a tight-wire.

J. But I think what I’ve been doing is – I’ve been a good student doing exercises, but then when I’m singing my songs, I’m not applying it. This is a perfect way to do it.

K. Yes.

J. I can take these songs that are low and force myself.

K. To sing with this muscle group.

J. Okay, I haven’t been doing this. I can see now, why. It’s hard work. Thank you.

K. You’re so welcome. It is hard work, Judy. But you’re a great student. And you’re a trooper, honey. I just flog you all the time!

J. No, this is so exciting. Because I want to get to the place where this becomes more natural. Is there surgery for a larynx that doesn’t listen?

Judy is laughing.

K. Oh, my god. No, it’s work.

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J. I’m teasing you. Everything in this society is fixed with either surgery or a pill. “Open my larynx – can you please fix it?” Oh, god forbid – exercise!

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