myjourneysinsight

I’M NOT ALONE

Posted on January 30, 2014 by Judy

My post title is a lyric line from my song “You Were There.” Click the blue link below to hear my newest arrangement. I am working on my vocal and plan to finish it soon.

Link to other story about this song:

#197 YOU WERE THERE – PART 1

“My music is my inspiration”

I love all of my older songs and have continued to work with a talented musician named George to create beautiful new arrangements for many of them.

A month ago, George and I began working on “You Were There #2.” Within one session, the arrangement was almost finished and it was completely breathtaking for me. But then I wrote a new song, which I named “My Shining Star.”

My newest song eclipsed the older song. I put “You Were There #2” aside until last week when George and I completed it. This gorgeous arrangement was another winner for me and I’ve already begun singing vocal lines for it.

My singing voice has not been very strong. But in spite of my eyesight issues and depression, music just continues to swirl around me. Because of music, I am completely inspired.

And as I’ve said before, with music I’m never alone.

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Recently, I purchased a classical guitar due to George’s encouragement. I gave my old one from college to my daughter who enjoys playing it.

For over two months, I made numerous trips to guitar shops and probably played at least 100 guitars. Early on, a relatively inexpensive, lightweight guitar stood out for me. It was made in Spain by a company named Cordoba. It had a brighter sound that appealed to me and I liked the idea that it had a built-in electric pick-up.

It has been fun playing my lightweight nylon guitar!

The sound is a nice complement to some of my songs, although I still feel much more attached to my steel-string Lowden guitar.

Lately, I have been doing many guitar recordings to add into my songs. On my newest arrangement of “You Were There #2” I wasn’t sure which guitar to use, so I recorded both of them. In almost all of my arrangements, George also plays a keyboard guitar.

George liked the sound of both my guitars, so the arrangement actually has three guitars in it.

Below are recordings of my guitar with some other arrangements. I have the guitar louder so I can hear it clearly to check my editing.

Click the blue links below to play audio:

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My post title has a lot of different meanings for me. In my apartment I celebrate when I’m alone because I seldom am. Usually, I have one of my children home with me. I love my two sons, but the silence I crave is broken by the sound of video game gunfire.

It’s when I’m truly alone, that I feel free to sing aloud and enjoy the solitude.

And on a side note, I believe it’s far worse to be with someone you don’t want to be with, than to be alone!

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I’m taking a break from performing until my eyes improve. Here I am courageously singing without my guitar!

When I wrote the lyrics to “You Were There,” both my parents were still alive. The line of “I’m not alone” reflected how much both of them were deeply ingrained in my life.

Although I shared every aspect of my life with them, I kept my marital woes pretty much to myself. My parents knew my marriage was empty and there was no reason to discuss it with them, because I never believed there were any options for me.

So throughout my adult life, I clung to my parents where I received tremendous love and encouragement.

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It was especially difficult when my parents lived with me for a year before they went into an assisted living facility. I carried tremendous heartache because I was grateful my husband accepted it, while at the same time our marital problems were clearly in view.

It was interesting when I remember how my mother was more excited to remember my anniversary with a gift to me than my husband ever was.

The words of “I’m not alone” carry a new meaning now that both my parents have died.

When my mother’s dementia began to increase, I remember feeling like a small child who was lost in a huge department store. I was terrified.

But then I learned that I needed to become the parent because it was my mother who was actually the lost child!

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My song “You Were There” reflected that shift. It was quite difficult, but eventually I adjusted to the new person my mother became. And I marveled at my own strength.

I was not able to alleviate my father’s suffering, though I desperately tried by searching for different doctors and procedures that might help him. When my father gave up and wanted to die, I prepared myself once again to “be strong” and do what was required of me.

These days, I’m not feeling nearly that strong. Perhaps as a result of my irritated eyes, I am extremely vulnerable and depressed. When I remember the love from my parents, I feel even more alone because I miss them in so many ways. But then the blessing of my music fills my heart with their love and my sadness ebbs away . . .

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, bereaved daughter, composing, Cordoba guitar, creativity, dementia, Every Season guitar, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, guitar arrangements, hard to say goodbye, I picked you up, I'm not alone, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a mom, loss of a mother, loss of mother, loss of parents, love for a mother, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother dying, mother's death, mother's illness, Mother's love, Music, My Song Unsung guitar, original songs, Rainbow Through My Tears guitar, singing, songwriting, The Door guitar, tribute to my mother, you picked me up when I fell down, You Were There | 3 Comments

MY SHINING STAR-PART 1

Posted on January 26, 2014 by Judy

Click the blue links below to hear my song:

MY SHINING STAR

Shining star so bright

You wink to me every night

Moonlight glows upon my bed

I hear your voice inside my head

Shining star so bright

Surround me with your lovely light

I reach for you in my sleep

You comfort me while I weep

In my heart you will stay

I’ll hold on to our dream forever

The stars above, remind me of our love

Each and every day, wherever you are

You’re my shining star

Shining star so bright

Even though you’re not in sight

With my eyes closed, your breath I feel

You whisper in my ear to heal

Shining star so bright

I’ll dream of you tonight

In my heart you will stay

I’ll hold on to our dream forever

The stars above, remind me of our love

Each and every day, wherever you are

You’re my shining star

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This song was born from deep love:

From the love given to me by my parents, who are now my shining stars above.

From love to and from my dead child, Jason. He is a dream I will hold onto forever.

And perhaps from someone I will fall in love with someday.

I dedicate my song to anyone with a broken heart, longing for someone they love.

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The Princess was deeply in despair. She could barely open her eyes, so she simply closed them as she trudged through her days. The Princess felt ill. It was getting harder and harder for her to see where she was going.

To escape her pain, she decided to travel away from her castle. It was not easy for her, but she was grateful for the beautiful memories from her adventures.

Melody, who was a guardian fairy to the Princess, continued to pour a musical elixir over her. The magical notes gently blanketed the Princess and kept her safe.

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Every night, the Princess played her guitar before going to sleep. When she began to discover haunting chords, she was elated. A new song was always a priceless gem of healing for her.

The Princess was not feeling well, so the notes were especially sad. She was very patient as only one chord was revealed each night.

Even though the Princess had no idea what the words would be, she began to sing a beautiful melody that made her cry.

She hoped the words would come soon so she could finish her song. She tried and tried and knew it would happen when it was time.

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One day, it finally happened! She came across an old poem she’d written for her mother.

The Princess missed her mother and her father deeply and thought how those words were very touching. The poem was about a shining star.

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That night, she was at a very low point. She collapsed upon her bed and cried. Releasing her tears was a relief and now she was calm. At that moment, she heard the words forming in her mind.

Although it was hard for her to open her eyes, she peeked through her eyelid slits.

Moonlight was shining through the curtains and her empty bed was lit by a glow. It was then when she thought of him.

He was her “knight in shining armor” and she knew she would meet him someday. Throughout her life she kept imagining him – her future love. His words were soft and sweet, but there was never any visual to know what he looked like.

Now she realized his inspiration was with her and she could hear the words to finish her song.

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There was so much love between them – even if he was only in her imagination.

Sure enough, there was one line that grabbed her heart and made her cry. It was over the same melody that had touched her before she’d even written words.

The line was, “I’ll hold onto our dream forever.”

Over and over she thanked God for this song. It was so gorgeous. His love and hers would be something she would always dream of.

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And such a beautiful dream it was indeed . . .

With her eyes closed and tears streaming, she said aloud, “Thank you, God.”

But then she heard his voice again inside her head.

He said, “Mommy, never give up hope.”

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Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, composing, creativity, grief, Grief and Bereavement, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, haunting melody, having hope, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, hopelessness, I hear your voice, I'll hold onto our dream forever, in my heart, inspiration, Judy Unger, longing for love, loss, loss of a mom, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, Music, music and healing, my shining star, optimism, original songs, performing, projecting love, sadness, shining star, singing, song, song arrangement, songwriter, songwriting, the stars above, uplifting music, writing | 2 Comments

I HEAR YOUR VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD

Posted on January 19, 2014 by Judy

Click the link below to hear the most beautiful arrangement I’ve ever heard for any of my songs:

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MY SHINING STAR – KARAOKE & GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL

My voice teacher, Kimberly once told me something about songs that I found fascinating.

She said that when I share a song; it does not belong to me anymore.

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Her reasoning was that every person interprets a song with his or her own life experience. Whatever inspired me to write the song is irrelevant because my interpretation is mine alone.

The reason I mention this is that I recently wrote a new song, which I plan to name “My Shining Star.” I wrote it imagining a future lover speaking to me, and I’ve had a prophecy about that for a long time. But it turned out that my song actually held interpretations that I didn’t even realize until I started singing it. Tears gushed forth with the revelation that my song once again was a gift of healing for me.

As I begin to share about my newest song creation, I must mention how the idea for it actually began. It happened when I left a comment on one of my favorite blogs. It inspired me to write lyrics to go with the haunting chords I’d recently composed.

My comment was to Julie Goyder who writes a touching blog that I follow. Julie lives in Australia on a large acreage of land with her 20-year-old son. Her husband is in a nursing home; he suffers from Parkinson’s disease and prostate cancer. She spends a great deal of time and energy taking him on excursions and gave up her career. Clearly, she is completely devoted to both her son and husband.

Because Julie is a positive thinker and has a great deal of humor, her blog is really special to read. I relate to many things that she writes about and she has been especially supportive of so much of what I’ve written.

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Last week, Julie posted that her husband had an aggressive episode due to his dementia. He was uncooperative and the nursing home called her trying to get him to calm down. Over the phone he shouted expletives at her and she lost it.

http://jmgoyder.com/2014/01/09/one-hour/

I commented on her post with the following:

Dearest Julie,

I suffered so when my mother had dementia. She was my best friend. I remember one thing that helped me was to see her as two different people. I could hear my “healthy mom” speaking to me when I was in deep despair. I wrote a poem and I want to share it with you. I’ve revised it a little to fit your situation. And I share a link to my story where I wrote it below. Hang in there.  

Love, Judy

https://myjourneysinsight.com/2011/05/31/279-i-know-youd-tell-me/

YOU CAN NEVER LOVE MY LOVE 

You can never lose my love 

You are my shining star

 From the time I met you  I have loved you completely

 The last thing I want is for you to be sad 

Your happiness is something I want most for you 

Your joy wraps around my soul

 Fighting to stay alive is worth it

 just to see your smile

 I am not who I was and I am sorry 

I didn’t plan for this to happen 

Even when I’m scared and confused 

You must know how much I love you

 I wish you didn’t have to see me this way 

I have so many wishes

 But wanting you to remain happy  is the wish I want most 

Please don’t cry or be sad 

You are so strong, so beautiful, so blessed 

How fortunate I was to love you

I will be your shining star

 To always remind you from above 

You can never lose my love

Julie wrote:

 What an amazing friend you are, Judy – thank you so much for this. It is so beautiful! Julie

 Judy wrote:

Well Julie, you are an amazing friend as well. Here’s another blessing: By sharing that poem with you I became inspired to write a new song using it as a basis for my lyrics. So in helping you I achieved inspiration to help myself! Love is universal. It has comforted me whenever I’ve projected love that I long for due to death, absence or illness.

 So happy for you my inspired friend!

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This is a link to Julie Goyder’s blog: http://jmgoyder.com/

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While on my short travels recently, I began working on finding chords for a new song. While in Tucson I wrote verses. It was very much like a classical guitar instrumental with dark minor chords.

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Then while I was in Yosemite I wrote the chorus, which was in D major.

This song was quite different musically than anything I had ever discovered before. I was puzzled how both those parts fit together when one was a minor and the other a major.

But when I compose, I simply listen for what my song is supposed to be and allow it to happen.

For weeks I’d hoped to find inspiration for my lyrics, but I could not even write one line. Depression and discomfort in my eyes had me plodding through my life, so I let it go.

But after leaving the comment on Julie’s blog, I began to ponder the concept of a shining star and it was intriguing. As much as “my shining star” seemed like a cliché, it still spun a lot of ideas for me.

There were a lot of metaphors with a shining star. Light in the darkness was one. Light was clarity and darkness was confusion. Light represented illumination; darkness represented feeling lost. Those certainly fit into my frustration with my eyesight.

When I imagined that someday I’d fall in love again, I saw the image of a “knight in shining armor.” Originally my song started with an idea about the love from someone I would eventually meet, which was something I had envisioned for many years.

But most importantly, a shining star represented love that came from the heavens and fit in perfectly with how I have personally coped with grief. The loss of my mother resulting from dementia was the beginning of my poem. With her death only a few months ago, now she truly was my shining star.

Grief was all about love for me. My song poured forth and dazzled me with its beauty.

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But it held another meaning for me that I did not expect . . .

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Tagged acoustic guitar, composing, creativity, dealing with dementia, grief, Grief and Bereavement, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", grief Friendship, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, having hope, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, hopelessness, I hear your voice, inspiration, Judy Unger, Julie Goyder, longing for love, loss, loss of a husband, loss of a mom, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, mother's illness, Music, music and healing, my shining star, optimism, original songs, performing, projecting love, sadness, shining star, singing, song, song arrangement, songwriting, uplifting music, writing | 1 Comment

YOU WHISPER IN MY EAR TO HEAL

Posted on January 16, 2014 by Judy

Click the blue link below to hear the most beautiful music I believe I’ve ever composed. I will be finished soon.

Message from a woman named Sammi on a grief forum:

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I ache for my son…. every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I understand that he is never coming back. I will never see him or touch him or hear his voice or hug him or smell his unique smell, ever again. I know this, I understand this and I have been able to get through each day with this knowledge.

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It’s hard not to feel resentment when you see the people around you enjoying the joy their children give them as they move through the milestones of life. I watch as life moves on and think about those of us that have been chosen to walk this horrendous path and try to make sense of how we have been touched with unbearable sorrow while others seem never to be touched. My faith was shattered when this happened and it remains shattered to this day.

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Now the hurdle that remains in front of me is the knowledge that I will wake every day to the heaviness on my heart and the hole in my soul with no cure for this and yet I am expected to go on. I love my family dearly but I know I am just existing…. waiting to die.

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These are words I wrote two years after my son died in 1992.

Response from another member:

I sit here crying. You have put my heart into your words. I will never be whole again, just broken and different. I’ve lost my only son, my only child, my only family. I need something to hold onto and pictures of my son just are not enough.

My reply:

There are few ways to describe the amputation of a soul. But you did it so well. I remember wanting to die. Then I realized I was a living dead person for many, many years. Like a blackened forest with no sign of life, one day a shoot takes hold. The forest is never the same. But life can return. I pray it does for you someday. You carry so much love for your son. The hole inside you that has sucked you in will eventually become a huge scar. Life will never be the same, but you won’t be suffering like this. I am so sorry. I cry because I remember that pain well.

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There are indeed many of us walking wounded out there. The problem is that there are so few of us compared to those who do not have to walk this path. It isolates us on a day-to-day basis because we can never put it out of our mind. Many people sympathize with us, but then push that aside and move on. We are screaming inside and smiling on the outside. They cannot possibly understand this pain nor do you want them to. I am where you are…. trying to move on. I find that I am learning how to pretend very well and hide my true feelings.

This was our second holiday season without our beautiful boy and I managed to put the tree up. That’s it. Nothing else. I guess that was a big step.

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My words:

Grief is isolation in the purest sense. I surrounded myself with fellow grievers and although it helped me to survive, the exquisite agony was always there. And such a burden it was. It left me unable to think without reliving his death for years and years. I hate to say how long it took me to “feel better.” I do not say recovered. There is no recovery from this.

My wisdom after 20 years is that healing is possible. It is imperceptible at first and not adequate when the pain is so horrific. But it happened for me. I was blessed to find something where my son returned into my life in a beautiful way – through music. Just this past weekend, my son came into my bed at night and held me close and whispered a new song into my ear. I haven’t recorded my vocal for it yet. But the music speaks – it speaks very clearly.”

I’m thrilled beyond words that my beautiful son is my inspiration every day of my life. He is gone, but has returned to me in a different form. That is healing. And it is possible. I am living proof.

Love, Judy

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Judy, that is very beautiful – it brought tears to my eyes. My problem is that I can’t see getting over 34 years of this beautiful soul…. ever. I am happy you have found this way to connect with your son and that it gives you peace.

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Thank you. You will not get over it. And comparisons aren’t helpful either. When I was deeply grieving I would have told you my situation was worse because I had to deal with a young child whom I was a caregiver for. My daily life was ripped away and his room remained with all his toys and clothes to go through. I thought it was much worse because of that.

But later on I learned that child loss is a horror at any age. Whether a son lives 34 years or dies as a baby – it is longing for a future that is only a dream and not a possibility.

You cannot see the road in front of you because you are shattered. It is about putting one foot in front of the other. But you are moving forward. Because I am far ahead of you, I cannot really take your hand. But I am proof that peace is possible.

Sometimes, things are there that we cannot see. Grief is that way. Thank you for telling me that my song touched you. What you don’t know is that my song has lyrics and they are dedicated to you because when I sing them – I know they are for you. My son whispered this song to me for a reason.

I’ll share more soon. Love, Judy