myjourneysinsight

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT DEPARTURES AND ARRIVALS

Posted on June 19, 2016 by Judy

My life has been filled with departures and arrivals. I have mourned many departures, but I don’t see an arrival as a replacement – it represents change. Sometimes, the emptiness from a departure is a catalyst to look for something new.

There was a time when I had so few watercolor painting assignments that I assumed my career was over. I mourned being a painter but gradually I became a self-taught digital artist. Not long after that, my career was revived.

This past week I received a huge project from one of my favorite clients: Tillamook Dairy Company. I have 22 illustrations to work on. The examples above are ones that needed digital adjustments in order to fit a new label design. My artwork will now be more prominent on Tillamook’s labels!

Another example that comes into my mind is when my daughter was born 11 months after my son died. She was not a replacement for him. I began a different path and my life went in a direction that it wouldn’t have if my son had lived.

There was no going back, though I carried tremendous sorrow. Letting go of sorrow was much easier when I imagined him accompanying me on my journey. And he would be with me when I reached my final destination.

I miss my parents who both passed away in the last few years. Nothing could replace them, but I’ve found ways to fill my time and empty spaces. I have far more freedom than when they were alive and ill.

When I felt the need to work with a vocal coach again, I discovered Hannah and she’s made a huge difference for me. Singing has become easier and a lot more fun.

When I stopped working with the arranger I depended on for four years, I discovered that I was fully capable of playing my songs and singing with only my guitar. Many people have told me that they prefer my acoustic recordings to my arranged versions.

So with his departure, I arrived as a solo artist.

I wrote this when I was 20. My music departed for 30 years, but arrived to save me when I needed it.

When a friend recommended a new assistant to help me with music promotion, I was ready. Her name was Loren and we started working together last month.

Loren was a lovely woman and wonderful guitarist. I had a list of things for her to help me with and the first one was for her to help me market my audiobook. She sent me specifications for Audible and it was then that I found out my recordings weren’t up to their standards. Loren suggested the idea of sharing it on free sites and that sounded fine to me.

But she had another idea and said, “I have someone I’d like you to contact. His name is Alex.” She explained that Alex owned an audiobook company and she had met him while working at a radio station.

A few days later, I called Alex and he was very nice on the phone. He said to me, “You’re the author? Most authors do not narrate and produce their own audio book. That’s a big mistake. We use professionals and record it correctly as we go along. We don’t want anyone doing any editing and messing things up!”

I listened and wondered what I was thinking when I put in all those hundreds of hours. I had no idea what I was doing, but I did learn a lot about computer music programs.

Before we hung up, Alex sent me an audiobook he had produced so I could hear an example of what his company did. The book was an inspirational one; he and another woman narrator alternated each chapter. I listened to the book for a week in the early mornings while lying in my bed. When I finished, I contacted Alex and we set up an appointment. His office was in the city, but he happened to be working that week at a recording studio that wasn’t far from my house.

I packaged up a few CD’s and headed over to meet him. When I arrived, someone guided me through a maze of hallways that led to a sound room. I could see Alex was involved with directing an audiobook recording. He made me feel comfortable and was friendly when he said, “Do you have time? You’re welcome to watch this for a while and then we’ll talk when I’m on my break.”

I enjoyed being there – it was stimulating. There were two men speaking their parts and Alex kept stopping them. He was a stickler for clear pronunciation and inflection; it looked like hard work; one of the narrators kept apologizing because he stumbled several times.

I grinned thinking how I had recorded myself with little direction. I repeated every paragraph so I had an alternative in case there were any mistakes. Listening and editing that took a significant amount of time and his process seemed a lot better.

When there was a break, Alex turned to me. I told him he had a wonderful voice and I’d enjoyed the inspirational book he’d sent me. Sitting to his side was the other narrator of that book; her name was Susan. I smiled and told her she was so convincing that I thought she was the author.

For a few minutes, I told Alex a little bit about myself and handed him an envelope that held CD’s with my music and audio book stories. He said he would call me after listening to discuss options for my book.

As I was leaving, I passed Susan in the hallway. We ended up talking for a while and really hit it off. There were so many things we had in common and she seemed to be very touched by my story. She gave me her card and that night I wrote to her and shared one of my songs.

A few days later, Alex called me. I was eager to hear his thoughts.

He said, “Judy, your story is lost because your voice is robotic.” Alex mimicked my voice by speaking in a slow monotone. I wasn’t offended – my son had already told me the same thing.“

Judy, why don’t you let Susan or someone else read your material? We can do a test to be sure if you like it. For sure, this way your book will have more commercial value.” When I asked him how much it would cost, his price was far less than what I had paid to record my book on my own, without even considering the hours I spent editing.

I mulled over the idea. How would it be to have someone else telling my story in first person?

It actually sounded like a relief!

Even though I really wanted to tell my own story from the beginning, this was a much easier direction. A professional speaker would know how to engage listeners. And it wasn’t like I couldn’t tell my story either. I always liked to speak when I performed and looked forward to doing more of that someday.

I received another message from Susan, which just reinforced my new direction.

Hi Judy,

So good to hear from you! I really enjoyed meeting you last week and hearing some of your story. You are a brave woman and it was encouraging to hear of your journey, and the steps that you have taken to live your life as fully as you can. Your song, The Unknown, is really beautiful, very moving and it so touched my heart. Thank you for sending it!

Please don’t be discouraged by Alex’s feedback on your performance. Still hold on to those compliments as to the quality of your voice but it’s important to realize that with an audiobook it’s not just about how nice our voice sounds. 🙂 Recording an audiobook is often compared to as running a marathon and I do believe this is true. You have to keep the listener engaged throughout the entire course of the book. For me, I know that having a background in theatre and being trained as an actor helps me tremendously to bring variation, timing and pace to a book while still sharing the author’s story. Also, sometimes if a story is too close to us, it’s very difficult for us to tell. So it’s no surprise that sometimes you would get reduced to tears.

I’m sure you will come to the right decision for your book. I would be happy to record it for you if that’s something you decide you would like to do.

One last story that I want to share: I recently recorded a book for Christian audio and I had prayed prior to recording it that I would speak the author’s words how she would have wanted them heard. After the book came out I received the most beautiful note (and answer to my prayer); the author had emailed me and said she had cried when she heard the book. She said, “Susan thank you for carrying the words as I had meant them to be read.” That note was such a beautiful gift as it showed me that not only had God heard my prayer, but that had guided me to record the book as it had been prayerfully designed to be heard. 🙂

It was wonderful to share some of our stories together last week! You are on a wonderful path.

All my best, Susan

I have meandered through many challenges in my life. I am confident that today I am on a path going somewhere beautiful. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Pathways cannot lead to dead ends when there is willingness to see forks in the road.

Instead of looking behind me with regret – I am looking forward!

© 2016 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged arrivals and departures, artwork, Audio book recording, Audiobook recording, blessings, change, colored pencil, creativity, expressing feelings, fruit illustrator, fruit painting, healing music, Illustration, inspiration, Judy Unger, label illustration, loss, Music, musical passion, overcoming regret, passion for music, pears, rediscovery, regret, singing, songwriting, staying positive, Tillamook, writing, Yogurt illustrations | 4 Comments

EVERYTHING HAS LED ME TO THIS PLACE

Posted on June 16, 2016 by Judy

This photo was taken at a recent performance of mine. I play two songs every other Tuesday at Kulak’s Woodshed where I am very comfortable.

My title is a lyric line from my song “Somewhere I Can’t See.” Below is a recent acoustic recording of my song:

Introduction of my song at a recent performance

This is a link to where an arranged version of my song can be heard:

Story behind SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE

I am always trying to shift my thoughts into ones that are more positive. I can easily admit that sometimes I struggle.

Regret is something I avoid as much as I can. The first thought that comes into my mind with that word is “wasted time” and that definitely stabs at my heart. Perhaps it is because I suffered terribly from grief and lost many years because of it.

I was also unhappy in my marriage for a long time; I have never doubted my decision to divorce and do not regret that I stayed in it for so many years. I was an advocate/caregiver to my parents and children and can’t imagine how I would have coped with a divorce during those difficult years. My children are still “my everything” and I simply marvel at their beautiful growth toward becoming independent people. I have much to be grateful for.

My life completely changed after my parents’ deaths and my divorce two years ago. Regret does hit me when I acknowledge that I’ve invested enormous time and energy working on projects that I’ve discarded in the last few years. But it is balanced by knowing I’ve gained great skill and experience from that process. I also remind myself to focus on things I “have done” rather than things I “haven’t done.”

I am able to transform any negative feelings with the statement of “Everything that I have gone through, led me to this place.”

This “place” is where I am today. I embrace all of my painful life experiences and have channeled them into my music. I am proud of the fifty songs I’ve composed and words I’ve written from my heart to share with the world.

Wearing headphones and recording my guitar, was exciting and new for me when my musical journey began in 2010.

I do miss the giddy excitement I felt for music and writing when I began this blog six years ago.

My path was uncharted and I made confident decisions that diverted all of my energy. One of them was my desire to tell my story about healing through my music as an audiobook. I hired an editor to go over my material and thought it would be easy to speak and record my own story.

I didn’t know anything about recording, but taught myself how to mix my stories with music. It was hard to admit, but after three years and several re-recordings – my first audio book came in at 10 hours and was a mess!

So after hundreds of hours of experimenting and working on it, I decided not to release it.

Last year, I had an assistant who suggested I try again. She recommended that I speak without becoming overly emotional – on my first book; there were many moments where I was clearly choked up while speaking. So I created a revised two-hour book, and carefully kept my emotions in check.

Everything ended up going wrong with it. There was too much background noise, even though the engineer assured me it was just fine. I hired a professional to do the audio edits. She edited a few chapters; then delayed the project for 6 months before she disappeared. By then, I had parted ways with my assistant, too.

I was very frustrated. I finished the remaining audio edits and re-recorded two stories that were recorded to low. I paid for mastering only to be told, “Your recordings aren’t up to the quality standards required by Audible.”

I was so proud of my oldest son at his graduation from college three years ago. He attended the same state college I did.

For weeks, I languished with disappointment and wondered about where I wanted to go with my journey. One evening, I was feeling very down and my oldest son and I began talking. I shared with him my disappointment about feeling I had wasted a lot of energy working on my failed audiobook project for five years.

As a backdrop, I want to mention that after my divorce, my son told me he suspected I was going to profit with my book and that was part of my motive to end my marriage. Writing and admitting that is embarrassing, but I really was a bit over-the-top with the excitement that I was going to become famous with my music and stories.

I think all of my children have seen that before and after my divorce, I’ve devoted so much of my energy to writing and music without any kind of monetary compensation. It was really my passion and therapy that helped to heal me.

My voice choked up and I became teary when I shared my recent frustration with my son.

He told me that he wondered why I had recorded an audio book in the first place. Even if it had been recorded properly, he had an issue with my speaking voice and told me I sounded unnatural. I knew what he meant, but had hoped I’d improved with experience.

Then he said, “Mom, I think it also applies to your singing. You have a nice singing voice, but with another singer, your songs might sound better. I wish I could be your manager. There are successful singers on YouTube – if one of them sang one of your songs, that could open doors for you.”

I listened to his ideas, but was still very down. Where had all my passion and enthusiasm gone? I had no energy to pursue the things he mentioned.

But then he really touched my heart and said, “Mom, there’s one thing about you that is your true talent. You are an amazing writer. Your stories and lyrics are what you do best. If you stop doing all the recordings and let someone else do that – it will free you up to write more.”

My eyes filled with tears because I realized how wise he was; it made sense.

After our conversation, I felt my energy return. It was time for me to look for a new path to follow!

In this photo, I am playing my classical guitar at the age of twenty.

Tagged acoustic guitar, Audiobook recording, blessings, composing, creativity, expressing feelings, gray divorce, guitar, healing from grief, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love, love heals, love rescues me, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother and son, Music, music poetry, musical inspiration, musical passion, original songs, overcoming grief, overcoming regret, passion for music, performing, rediscovery, regret, singing, Somewhere I can't see, songs about love, songwriting, staying positive, writing | 10 Comments

I STOPPED ASKING WHY

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Judy

My eye pastel flipped

For lyrics, stories, and recordings: THE KEY

My blog title is a line of lyrics from my newest song “The Key,” which I will share soon.

When I was in deep grief, acceptance seemed unreachable. Today, I sometimes feel that way with my eye condition. It’s hard to accept that my eyes bother me all the time.

What definitely brought me down in grief (and similarly with my eyes), is the question of why it happened to me.

Because there was no comforting answer when I was grieving the loss of my child, it was a question I eventually let go of. With my eye condition, I am trying to do that, too.

Lately, I’ve found it difficult to write for my blog; I didn’t want to write anything mundane. With all seriousness, I simply added pressure with the thought that I won’t write unless it’s something profound. All that led me to was a blank page.

I’m glad I’ve decided to write again without worrying whether it’s moving or not.

I made the decision this week, to participate in a video interview related to living with dry eyes. My condition is something that I’m acutely aware of every moment of my day. It has also partially contributed to my inability to write much here because I hate complaining about my eyes.

What’s so interesting is that I started a separate blog so I could write about dealing with my dry eyes. It was that blog, which led me to this venture.

Before agreeing to this project, I first needed to find out if it was legitimate. It was, and I will be paid for my time and involvement.

I was asked to select someone close to join me during the filming. That way, I could engage with my friend about the challenges I’ve faced with my eyes. I chose my childhood friend, Joni.

Judy & Joni younger and older

The filming will happen in approximately two weeks and the crew is going to come to Kulak’s Woodshed where I perform every other Tuesday evening. I’m both nervous and excited.

To be honest, I was very uncomfortable thinking about my appearance and how my tiny apartment would look. I decided I am an ordinary middle-aged woman (to put it lightly), and that is fine since most of the people watching are not expecting me to be young and glamorous.

Also, early on when I was debating about doing this, a friend told me, “Oh, you can’t do it because you’re having such a hard time with it still.”

That is true. I do wish I could be in a better place with my eyes so that I could offer more hope to others. But on the other hand, I hardly think I am a spokesperson for dry eyes since I suffer far less than many other people with this awful disease.

I don’t know what my future is with this condition, but I’ve decided (a recent realization), that I’d rather focus on what I can do versus what I can’t.

In many ways, I am discouraged by how my eyes “hold me back.” I am reluctant to travel or socialize because of my discomfort. But I am also encouraged at how much I can still do despite living with the irritation and discomfort. The fact that my eye pain doesn’t show is both a blessing and a curse. I’m not really looking for sympathy, but since my pain is invisible to others – most people are completely unaware of my discomfort.

The completed video will be shown on a health-related website and I’ll share a link to it once it’s available. I’m glad that I’ve broken the barrier to start writing again!

Click this link to hear a conversation with my vocal coach, Hannah Anders, as I shared my concerns about doing the dry eye video.

Blog excerpt discussing dry eye video with Hannah, my vocal coach

In the transcription below, Hannah’s words are in blue.

I was contacted by a documentary filmmaker. They want to use me on a segment for dry eyes, an inspirational story. I said, “But I’m not cured.” I mean how can I inspire when I’m going through this and I’m still searching?

Because you’re going through it and still searching!

Yeah.

You know how many people throw in the towel and get ailed and cranky and bitter and awful because they’re ailed?

Or they kill themselves . . .

They kill themselves – absolutely. Chronic issues are really unbearable for a lot of the population and they do just kill themselves.

Well, I feel like it’s chronic at this point, but I don’t want to think that. I want to still think that one day I can get beyond it.

You’re going to get beyond it because we’re not limited by what’s in front of us as an answer.

The other side is – I live with it. And I just keep moving forward. I don’t know what my future holds. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to keep doing the things I love. I’m going to keep watching my children grow. I’m going to keep singing.

That’s why you’re inspiring in a video. Because you’re not cured yet!

But I’m not going to stop living – that’s it.

But many do – for them to come and follow you and for you to say, “I am always in search of the answer, but I have to live in this body right now – I have to live with these eyes right now. And, I’ve made the best of that!”

That’s right!

It’s one thing for somebody to say, “I’ve cured it! Look how inspirational I am!” Well no shit! You don’t feel anything. Of course, you’re inspirational – you’re happy as a clam. But you know you’re in the space of having to just hunker down with this thing and live with it!

Thank you. Maybe that’s why I can be a good songwriter because I can tell the story of how to heal myself and I’m still going through it!

Absolutely, so – I think you should do it. I think that would be great. And I think that there’s an answer. I think it’s going to lie in the functional side of your body and it’s going to lie in the trauma and I think it’s going to lie in getting whatever that is, back in balance. Our bodies want to heal!

These are my lyrics to “The Key” in progress. I decided to change the part about losing hope into a line about accepting my prison.

Tagged acknowledging grief, adjusting from grief, beautiful music, changing your life, childhood friendship, comforting music, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, discouraged about healing, discouraged by grief, dry eye condition, dry eyes, expressing feelings, finding happiness after losing a child, Friendship, grief, grief and healing, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing and grief, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope for healing, hope of healing, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, music and healing, musical comfort, optimism, optimism after loss, original songs, overcoming grief, songwriting, staying positive, surviving grief, The key, writing | Leave a comment

EVERY SEASON – PART 2

Posted on May 28, 2016 by Judy

My sister-in-law, Jo, created this card for me. She and my brother always remember Jason’s birthday.

Link to a slideshow with a new acoustic recording:

Links to lyrics, stories, recordings and performances for this song: EVERY SEASON

It is Memorial Day weekend. For me, it is definitely a time of memorializing; two days ago was the fourth anniversary of my father’s death and today is Jason’s birthday.

Jason died in 1992 at the age of five. Today he would have been 29 years old if he had lived.

I wouldn’t say I am in a wonderful place at the moment (last week I had a bad reaction to an eye treatment that was supposed to help me). But despite that, I am truly inspired because I have been writing a new song.

Despite the pain in my eyes and poignant memories of my father and Jason, last week I began writing lyrics for a song that I have tentatively named “The Key.”

It’s very unusual for me to write lyrics before composing chords and melodies, but I am open to writing a song in any way where it reveals itself. After a week, the chords are already in place as I continue to refine the lyrics. The melody is very complex and not yet set for me. The song will be named “The Key.”

This morning, I had a sweet revelation about how the new song that came to uplift me has a connection to my older song named “Every Season.”

Every Season holds a spot in my song garden of being the very first new song that I composed as an older woman. Before that, I had 30 songs written as a young girl and a lapse of thirty years in between.

Leaf 7

Because Jason died in the fall, autumn is the season that most often comes to mind related to his death. But springtime carries a different kind of heartache because of his birthday at the end of May. Every year starting in April, I feel memories resurfacing as the season changes from spring to summer.

This holiday weekend carries many memories: birthday parties during the five years that Jason lived . . . memories with other special people in my life who are no longer here . . . and I remember closely sharing everything with my parents who are gone.

These are two story covers I created using autumn imagery.

This watercolor I painted in college, became the background for a memorial that hung at Jason’s Preschool for many years.

This song cover for “Every Season” shows springtime because I really feel this song around his birthday.

My songs are a musical of my life; it makes perfect sense that they build upon one another as life reveals lessons for me with every twist and turn.

When I wrote “Every Season” in 2011, it helped me to express my lingering sadness. My line of “my sadness will always be” is still true for me.

Sadness will always be

Saying that I’ve “healed” from deep grief doesn’t mean I am not sad remembering the child I loved who died.

I am grateful that I no longer carry the intense pain I lived with during my early years of grief. I never believed I’d ever feel joy again – but I did. That was a huge achievement for me after suffering such a terrible loss. It is the reason I am able to believe that I’ve healed.

Leaf 8