myjourneysinsight

EVERYTHING HAS LED ME TO THIS PLACE

Posted on June 16, 2016 by Judy

This photo was taken at a recent performance of mine. I play two songs every other Tuesday at Kulak’s Woodshed where I am very comfortable.

My title is a lyric line from my song “Somewhere I Can’t See.” Below is a recent acoustic recording of my song:

Introduction of my song at a recent performance

This is a link to where an arranged version of my song can be heard:

Story behind SOMEWHERE I CAN’T SEE

I am always trying to shift my thoughts into ones that are more positive. I can easily admit that sometimes I struggle.

Regret is something I avoid as much as I can. The first thought that comes into my mind with that word is “wasted time” and that definitely stabs at my heart. Perhaps it is because I suffered terribly from grief and lost many years because of it.

I was also unhappy in my marriage for a long time; I have never doubted my decision to divorce and do not regret that I stayed in it for so many years. I was an advocate/caregiver to my parents and children and can’t imagine how I would have coped with a divorce during those difficult years. My children are still “my everything” and I simply marvel at their beautiful growth toward becoming independent people. I have much to be grateful for.

My life completely changed after my parents’ deaths and my divorce two years ago. Regret does hit me when I acknowledge that I’ve invested enormous time and energy working on projects that I’ve discarded in the last few years. But it is balanced by knowing I’ve gained great skill and experience from that process. I also remind myself to focus on things I “have done” rather than things I “haven’t done.”

I am able to transform any negative feelings with the statement of “Everything that I have gone through, led me to this place.”

This “place” is where I am today. I embrace all of my painful life experiences and have channeled them into my music. I am proud of the fifty songs I’ve composed and words I’ve written from my heart to share with the world.

Wearing headphones and recording my guitar, was exciting and new for me when my musical journey began in 2010.

I do miss the giddy excitement I felt for music and writing when I began this blog six years ago.

My path was uncharted and I made confident decisions that diverted all of my energy. One of them was my desire to tell my story about healing through my music as an audiobook. I hired an editor to go over my material and thought it would be easy to speak and record my own story.

I didn’t know anything about recording, but taught myself how to mix my stories with music. It was hard to admit, but after three years and several re-recordings – my first audio book came in at 10 hours and was a mess!

So after hundreds of hours of experimenting and working on it, I decided not to release it.

Last year, I had an assistant who suggested I try again. She recommended that I speak without becoming overly emotional – on my first book; there were many moments where I was clearly choked up while speaking. So I created a revised two-hour book, and carefully kept my emotions in check.

Everything ended up going wrong with it. There was too much background noise, even though the engineer assured me it was just fine. I hired a professional to do the audio edits. She edited a few chapters; then delayed the project for 6 months before she disappeared. By then, I had parted ways with my assistant, too.

I was very frustrated. I finished the remaining audio edits and re-recorded two stories that were recorded to low. I paid for mastering only to be told, “Your recordings aren’t up to the quality standards required by Audible.”

I was so proud of my oldest son at his graduation from college three years ago. He attended the same state college I did.

For weeks, I languished with disappointment and wondered about where I wanted to go with my journey. One evening, I was feeling very down and my oldest son and I began talking. I shared with him my disappointment about feeling I had wasted a lot of energy working on my failed audiobook project for five years.

As a backdrop, I want to mention that after my divorce, my son told me he suspected I was going to profit with my book and that was part of my motive to end my marriage. Writing and admitting that is embarrassing, but I really was a bit over-the-top with the excitement that I was going to become famous with my music and stories.

I think all of my children have seen that before and after my divorce, I’ve devoted so much of my energy to writing and music without any kind of monetary compensation. It was really my passion and therapy that helped to heal me.

My voice choked up and I became teary when I shared my recent frustration with my son.

He told me that he wondered why I had recorded an audio book in the first place. Even if it had been recorded properly, he had an issue with my speaking voice and told me I sounded unnatural. I knew what he meant, but had hoped I’d improved with experience.

Then he said, “Mom, I think it also applies to your singing. You have a nice singing voice, but with another singer, your songs might sound better. I wish I could be your manager. There are successful singers on YouTube – if one of them sang one of your songs, that could open doors for you.”

I listened to his ideas, but was still very down. Where had all my passion and enthusiasm gone? I had no energy to pursue the things he mentioned.

But then he really touched my heart and said, “Mom, there’s one thing about you that is your true talent. You are an amazing writer. Your stories and lyrics are what you do best. If you stop doing all the recordings and let someone else do that – it will free you up to write more.”

My eyes filled with tears because I realized how wise he was; it made sense.

After our conversation, I felt my energy return. It was time for me to look for a new path to follow!

In this photo, I am playing my classical guitar at the age of twenty.

© 2016 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, Audiobook recording, blessings, composing, creativity, expressing feelings, gray divorce, guitar, healing from grief, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love, love heals, love rescues me, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother and son, Music, music poetry, musical inspiration, musical passion, original songs, overcoming grief, overcoming regret, passion for music, performing, rediscovery, regret, singing, Somewhere I can't see, songs about love, songwriting, staying positive, writing | 10 Comments

I STOPPED ASKING WHY

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Judy

My eye pastel flipped

For lyrics, stories, and recordings: THE KEY

My blog title is a line of lyrics from my newest song “The Key,” which I will share soon.

When I was in deep grief, acceptance seemed unreachable. Today, I sometimes feel that way with my eye condition. It’s hard to accept that my eyes bother me all the time.

What definitely brought me down in grief (and similarly with my eyes), is the question of why it happened to me.

Because there was no comforting answer when I was grieving the loss of my child, it was a question I eventually let go of. With my eye condition, I am trying to do that, too.

Lately, I’ve found it difficult to write for my blog; I didn’t want to write anything mundane. With all seriousness, I simply added pressure with the thought that I won’t write unless it’s something profound. All that led me to was a blank page.

I’m glad I’ve decided to write again without worrying whether it’s moving or not.

I made the decision this week, to participate in a video interview related to living with dry eyes. My condition is something that I’m acutely aware of every moment of my day. It has also partially contributed to my inability to write much here because I hate complaining about my eyes.

What’s so interesting is that I started a separate blog so I could write about dealing with my dry eyes. It was that blog, which led me to this venture.

Before agreeing to this project, I first needed to find out if it was legitimate. It was, and I will be paid for my time and involvement.

I was asked to select someone close to join me during the filming. That way, I could engage with my friend about the challenges I’ve faced with my eyes. I chose my childhood friend, Joni.

Judy & Joni younger and older

The filming will happen in approximately two weeks and the crew is going to come to Kulak’s Woodshed where I perform every other Tuesday evening. I’m both nervous and excited.

To be honest, I was very uncomfortable thinking about my appearance and how my tiny apartment would look. I decided I am an ordinary middle-aged woman (to put it lightly), and that is fine since most of the people watching are not expecting me to be young and glamorous.

Also, early on when I was debating about doing this, a friend told me, “Oh, you can’t do it because you’re having such a hard time with it still.”

That is true. I do wish I could be in a better place with my eyes so that I could offer more hope to others. But on the other hand, I hardly think I am a spokesperson for dry eyes since I suffer far less than many other people with this awful disease.

I don’t know what my future is with this condition, but I’ve decided (a recent realization), that I’d rather focus on what I can do versus what I can’t.

In many ways, I am discouraged by how my eyes “hold me back.” I am reluctant to travel or socialize because of my discomfort. But I am also encouraged at how much I can still do despite living with the irritation and discomfort. The fact that my eye pain doesn’t show is both a blessing and a curse. I’m not really looking for sympathy, but since my pain is invisible to others – most people are completely unaware of my discomfort.

The completed video will be shown on a health-related website and I’ll share a link to it once it’s available. I’m glad that I’ve broken the barrier to start writing again!

Click this link to hear a conversation with my vocal coach, Hannah Anders, as I shared my concerns about doing the dry eye video.

Blog excerpt discussing dry eye video with Hannah, my vocal coach

In the transcription below, Hannah’s words are in blue.

I was contacted by a documentary filmmaker. They want to use me on a segment for dry eyes, an inspirational story. I said, “But I’m not cured.” I mean how can I inspire when I’m going through this and I’m still searching?

Because you’re going through it and still searching!

Yeah.

You know how many people throw in the towel and get ailed and cranky and bitter and awful because they’re ailed?

Or they kill themselves . . .

They kill themselves – absolutely. Chronic issues are really unbearable for a lot of the population and they do just kill themselves.

Well, I feel like it’s chronic at this point, but I don’t want to think that. I want to still think that one day I can get beyond it.

You’re going to get beyond it because we’re not limited by what’s in front of us as an answer.

The other side is – I live with it. And I just keep moving forward. I don’t know what my future holds. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to keep doing the things I love. I’m going to keep watching my children grow. I’m going to keep singing.

That’s why you’re inspiring in a video. Because you’re not cured yet!

But I’m not going to stop living – that’s it.

But many do – for them to come and follow you and for you to say, “I am always in search of the answer, but I have to live in this body right now – I have to live with these eyes right now. And, I’ve made the best of that!”

That’s right!

It’s one thing for somebody to say, “I’ve cured it! Look how inspirational I am!” Well no shit! You don’t feel anything. Of course, you’re inspirational – you’re happy as a clam. But you know you’re in the space of having to just hunker down with this thing and live with it!

Thank you. Maybe that’s why I can be a good songwriter because I can tell the story of how to heal myself and I’m still going through it!

Absolutely, so – I think you should do it. I think that would be great. And I think that there’s an answer. I think it’s going to lie in the functional side of your body and it’s going to lie in the trauma and I think it’s going to lie in getting whatever that is, back in balance. Our bodies want to heal!

These are my lyrics to “The Key” in progress. I decided to change the part about losing hope into a line about accepting my prison.

Tagged acknowledging grief, adjusting from grief, beautiful music, changing your life, childhood friendship, comforting music, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, discouraged about healing, discouraged by grief, dry eye condition, dry eyes, expressing feelings, finding happiness after losing a child, Friendship, grief, grief and healing, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing and grief, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope for healing, hope of healing, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, music and healing, musical comfort, optimism, optimism after loss, original songs, overcoming grief, songwriting, staying positive, surviving grief, The key, writing | Leave a comment

EVERY SEASON – PART 2

Posted on May 28, 2016 by Judy

My sister-in-law, Jo, created this card for me. She and my brother always remember Jason’s birthday.

Link to a slideshow with a new acoustic recording:

Links to lyrics, stories, recordings and performances for this song: EVERY SEASON

It is Memorial Day weekend. For me, it is definitely a time of memorializing; two days ago was the fourth anniversary of my father’s death and today is Jason’s birthday.

Jason died in 1992 at the age of five. Today he would have been 29 years old if he had lived.

I wouldn’t say I am in a wonderful place at the moment (last week I had a bad reaction to an eye treatment that was supposed to help me). But despite that, I am truly inspired because I have been writing a new song.

Despite the pain in my eyes and poignant memories of my father and Jason, last week I began writing lyrics for a song that I have tentatively named “The Key.”

It’s very unusual for me to write lyrics before composing chords and melodies, but I am open to writing a song in any way where it reveals itself. After a week, the chords are already in place as I continue to refine the lyrics. The melody is very complex and not yet set for me. The song will be named “The Key.”

This morning, I had a sweet revelation about how the new song that came to uplift me has a connection to my older song named “Every Season.”

Every Season holds a spot in my song garden of being the very first new song that I composed as an older woman. Before that, I had 30 songs written as a young girl and a lapse of thirty years in between.

Leaf 7

Because Jason died in the fall, autumn is the season that most often comes to mind related to his death. But springtime carries a different kind of heartache because of his birthday at the end of May. Every year starting in April, I feel memories resurfacing as the season changes from spring to summer.

This holiday weekend carries many memories: birthday parties during the five years that Jason lived . . . memories with other special people in my life who are no longer here . . . and I remember closely sharing everything with my parents who are gone.

These are two story covers I created using autumn imagery.

This watercolor I painted in college, became the background for a memorial that hung at Jason’s Preschool for many years.

This song cover for “Every Season” shows springtime because I really feel this song around his birthday.

My songs are a musical of my life; it makes perfect sense that they build upon one another as life reveals lessons for me with every twist and turn.

When I wrote “Every Season” in 2011, it helped me to express my lingering sadness. My line of “my sadness will always be” is still true for me.

Sadness will always be

Saying that I’ve “healed” from deep grief doesn’t mean I am not sad remembering the child I loved who died.

I am grateful that I no longer carry the intense pain I lived with during my early years of grief. I never believed I’d ever feel joy again – but I did. That was a huge achievement for me after suffering such a terrible loss. It is the reason I am able to believe that I’ve healed.

Leaf 8

A few weeks ago when I wrote my blog story IMPRISONED BY GRIEF AND MY KEY, I had no idea that it was going to become a song.

you come back to me

On Every Season, I have two lines that lead to the profound message of my song “The Key.” They are: “you always return” and “you come back to me.”

you always return

Leaf 6 Every Season set the stage for my amazing revelation related to exiting the “prison of grief” that I lived in for decades.

I left that dismal place because I found a key. I am so grateful he came back to give me that key!

What I loved most

Leaves and Hand

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acknowledging grief, acoustic guitar, adjusting from grief, anniversaries of the heart, autumn leaves, beautiful music, child's death, childhood friendship, comforting music, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, discouraged by grief, Empathy and Grief, Every Season, finding happiness after losing a child, grief, grief and healing, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", Grief descriptions, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing and grief, healing from grief, healing music, hope, hope for healing, hope of healing, inspiration, It's Not Forever, Judy Unger, loss, loss of a child, love, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, music arrangements, musical comfort, optimism, optimism after loss, original songs, overcoming grief, singing, songwriting, staying positive, surviving grief, The key, writing, You always return | 11 Comments

A ROAD PAVED IN GOLD

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Judy

I love butterflies. I created the wallpaper and header for this blog from these illustrations of mine.

I have continued to struggle with discomfort in my eyes. I’ve preferred to post about this on my Dry Eye Diaries blog.

Last week I had lunch with a friend I haden’t seen in a few years. I met her in 1992 at a general grief group and both of us supported each other through the most horrific time in our lives. Whenever I got together with Riva, we were amazed at our progress of moving away from the pain that defined us when we first met.

I warmly hugged my friend and sat down at a table in a quiet restaurant. We began catching up on our lives. I found myself teary talking about my divorce; I knew Riva wasn’t surprised. I was happy for her; she had a supportive husband and her marriage had stayed intact despite so many challenges through the years.

I shared with her how I had continued to write about healing and grief. It was a beautiful moment when I asked her if she could offer words of wisdom to two grieving friends of mine. She was more than happy to join a private grief site where she could do that.

Riva was especially touched by my recent story on this blog named Imprisoned by Grief and My Key.

After describing my story to Riva she said, “Judy, it’s so beautiful and I want you to go home and write a song based on it.” I promised her I would. As we hugged goodbye, I also told her we could not let three years go by without seeing each other again.

I already knew my story about being freed from “my prison of grief” could inspire a song. The only problem was that I was in creative dry spell and hadn’t felt like composing anything new for over six months. Lately, it was even hard for me to write for this blog.

A few days later, I pulled out a pad of paper. I tentatively named my song “The Key” and began writing lyrics.

On the one-minute recording below, I am sharing the chords and story of my emerging song with my vocal coach, Hannah:

LESSON HANNAH 5-19-16 about my new song

Putting my energy toward people in deep grief might seem depressing, but it usually was very uplifting for me.

At a recent hypnotherapy session, a line stuck with me because my therapist repeated it several times while I was under hypnosis. It was: “A road paved in gold.”

I have been on my journey of insight now for six years. Envisioning a road ahead of me paved in gold sounded rich and dazzling. I’ve often focused on all the diversions, valleys and potholes I’ve stumbled into.

The reason my therapist spoke that line to me was because I had shared it with her, it was part of a message I received from a grieving mother.

I belonged to a huge online bereaved mother’s support group. I rarely went on it, but one night I did because I wanted to share a recent song recording I felt might be comforting. But that night, there was so much misery on that site that I didn’t even feel motivated to share it.

The woman who created the post was very angry because her sister-in-law had put what she felt was an offensive poem on her Facebook page. The poem had her child speaking to her and saying she needed to let go. Many other bereaved mothers rallied and spewed out angry comments. An example: “Screw her…that is an awful thing to post…obviously, she has never lost a child!”

For me personally, anger was probably the worst stage of deep grief. It was so isolating and unhelpful. So I decided to write something. (My words are in blue).

Your sister-in-law’s intentions were good and that counts for something. Letting go doesn’t mean letting go of our child. It means letting go of the pain and suffering. One day, I was able to realize that I could do that. Of course, I still miss and mourn my son – it’s over 20 years. But I’ve held on to his memory and my love for him. I only let go of the horrible part.

I wish that for everyone on this site. It is possible because it happened to me. I never believed it would happen either.

A woman replied: One day, maybe for me. . .

I wrote back to her:

I have a motto. The more you look for something the more that you will find it. You’re on a healing path. I’m glad you have hope! I remember at my darkest moments giving up on that. But my child took my hand and led me out of the darkness.

Another woman named Shelley jumped in and commented: Judy, I am touched by your story and find it comforting and hopeful. Your last sentence is a road paved in gold for me. Thank you!

I let Shelly know that her words were my fuel. Then I sent her a link to my blog post Imprisoned by Grief and My Key. I share the message she sent me after reading it at the end of this post.

Today would have been my father’s 91^st birthday. Four years ago on this date, he was unable to be awakened at the nursing home where he lived. Only a week before, I had asked him what he wished for on his birthday and he told me all he wanted was to be dead. So he actually received his birthday wish. He was in agony from painful urinary tract infections and didn’t want to be treated anymore.

For five days he suffered terribly until he died. The memories of that time were very traumatic for me. I was alone with him when he took his last breath.

My song named “Set You Free” was written for my father, but as soon as he died I somehow found the strength to completely change my life. I set myself free by ending my marriage of 31 years.

In the beginning, my journey felt scary and tough – but it was magical. At this moment though, my road doesn’t appear to be paved in gold. I see myself rowing through an ocean of tears. Having dry eyes doesn’t mean I’m unable to cry. I just have to go with the current sometimes and look for landmarks to see how far I’ve gone.

Today is a calendar date that reminds me of my healing progress since my father’s death four years ago. I have let go of much of the trauma surrounding his death, while still holding on to memories and his love.

I love sunrises – they are also golden and represent hope. Even though I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately, composing a new song is a blessing for me.

My friend, Joni, sent this picture to me. She takes morning hikes and sends me sweet messages along with her photos. Last week, I was discouraged about my music but now I’m feeling better.

Message from Shelley:

Judy Unger, I found myself holding on to your every word and identifying my own feelings, emotions, shut downs etc. I think your experience/story is inspired and very relatable.‪

Judy, through your words people will find their way to heal. Everyone is different and grieve in their own way and time. Thank you for sharing your intimate details, letting us know there can be a release of pain and chains that bind us to our grief. I came on here today looking for something, anything. I have come away with hope and knowing one day these chains that bind will be loosened.‪

Great story/writing, so sorry for your pain and loss but you are making a difference in healing those of us that haven’t been able to breathe. I feel hope and gratefulness for your effort on giving back. Thank you.