My title is a lyric line from my song “Somewhere I Can’t See.” Below is a recent acoustic recording of my song:
This is a link to where an arranged version of my song can be heard:
I am always trying to shift my thoughts into ones that are more positive. I can easily admit that sometimes I struggle.
Regret is something I avoid as much as I can. The first thought that comes into my mind with that word is “wasted time” and that definitely stabs at my heart. Perhaps it is because I suffered terribly from grief and lost many years because of it.
I was also unhappy in my marriage for a long time; I have never doubted my decision to divorce and do not regret that I stayed in it for so many years. I was an advocate/caregiver to my parents and children and can’t imagine how I would have coped with a divorce during those difficult years. My children are still “my everything” and I simply marvel at their beautiful growth toward becoming independent people. I have much to be grateful for.
My life completely changed after my parents’ deaths and my divorce two years ago. Regret does hit me when I acknowledge that I’ve invested enormous time and energy working on projects that I’ve discarded in the last few years. But it is balanced by knowing I’ve gained great skill and experience from that process. I also remind myself to focus on things I “have done” rather than things I “haven’t done.”
I am able to transform any negative feelings with the statement of “Everything that I have gone through, led me to this place.”
This “place” is where I am today. I embrace all of my painful life experiences and have channeled them into my music. I am proud of the fifty songs I’ve composed and words I’ve written from my heart to share with the world.
I do miss the giddy excitement I felt for music and writing when I began this blog six years ago.
My path was uncharted and I made confident decisions that diverted all of my energy. One of them was my desire to tell my story about healing through my music as an audiobook. I hired an editor to go over my material and thought it would be easy to speak and record my own story.
I didn’t know anything about recording, but taught myself how to mix my stories with music. It was hard to admit, but after three years and several re-recordings – my first audio book came in at 10 hours and was a mess!
So after hundreds of hours of experimenting and working on it, I decided not to release it.
Last year, I had an assistant who suggested I try again. She recommended that I speak without becoming overly emotional – on my first book; there were many moments where I was clearly choked up while speaking. So I created a revised two-hour book, and carefully kept my emotions in check.
Everything ended up going wrong with it. There was too much background noise, even though the engineer assured me it was just fine. I hired a professional to do the audio edits. She edited a few chapters; then delayed the project for 6 months before she disappeared. By then, I had parted ways with my assistant, too.
I was very frustrated. I finished the remaining audio edits and re-recorded two stories that were recorded to low. I paid for mastering only to be told, “Your recordings aren’t up to the quality standards required by Audible.”
For weeks, I languished with disappointment and wondered about where I wanted to go with my journey. One evening, I was feeling very down and my oldest son and I began talking. I shared with him my disappointment about feeling I had wasted a lot of energy working on my failed audiobook project for five years.
As a backdrop, I want to mention that after my divorce, my son told me he suspected I was going to profit with my book and that was part of my motive to end my marriage. Writing and admitting that is embarrassing, but I really was a bit over-the-top with the excitement that I was going to become famous with my music and stories.
I think all of my children have seen that before and after my divorce, I’ve devoted so much of my energy to writing and music without any kind of monetary compensation. It was really my passion and therapy that helped to heal me.
My voice choked up and I became teary when I shared my recent frustration with my son.
He told me that he wondered why I had recorded an audio book in the first place. Even if it had been recorded properly, he had an issue with my speaking voice and told me I sounded unnatural. I knew what he meant, but had hoped I’d improved with experience.
Then he said, “Mom, I think it also applies to your singing. You have a nice singing voice, but with another singer, your songs might sound better. I wish I could be your manager. There are successful singers on YouTube – if one of them sang one of your songs, that could open doors for you.”
I listened to his ideas, but was still very down. Where had all my passion and enthusiasm gone? I had no energy to pursue the things he mentioned.
But then he really touched my heart and said, “Mom, there’s one thing about you that is your true talent. You are an amazing writer. Your stories and lyrics are what you do best. If you stop doing all the recordings and let someone else do that – it will free you up to write more.”
My eyes filled with tears because I realized how wise he was; it made sense.
After our conversation, I felt my energy return. It was time for me to look for a new path to follow!
© 2016 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.