myjourneysinsight

LIEBSTER AWARD

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Judy

I want to thank Tersia Burger. She has nominated me for the Liebster Award.

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Tersia writes with heartbreaking honesty. Her writing about her daughter’s life and death really affected me. Tersia’s blog impacted me so much that I dedicated one of my songs to her daughter, Vicky:

Never Gone Away.

It amazes me how as a result of blogging, I’ve formed a wonderful friendship on the other side of the world. Here is a link that shares more about our friendship when it began:

Music Rescued My Soul

Tersia honors me by nominating me for the Liebster award and I humbly accept!

http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/

Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award

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2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog

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3. You should nominate other blogs (I have deleted blogs that are no longer active).

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4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves

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5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you

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6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer

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7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post

Blogs I Nominate:

http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/

http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/

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http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/

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11 Things About Me:

1. My children are everything to me.

2. I am amazed at how many chords and lyrics I have memorized. I’ve composed well over 40 original songs and can play all of them by heart. The guitar parts can be quite complicated and some songs are played in several keys. I still remember many of the several hundred cover-songs I used to play, too.

3. I refused to learn how to use a computer and avoided learning to email for many years. So now I am very proud of how proficient I’ve become. I’ve found the computer is an incredible tool that truly assists me with music, art and writing. My excellent English and typing skills have been very useful for blogging. I am adept with Photoshop; it also has been very handy for me. I am proud and grateful that I embraced the digital age after resisting it for so long.

4. When I began my blog and started writing in 2010, I never would have believed it would lead to me to the decision to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

5. Occasionally I miss painting with watercolors, but my passion for art has been overshadowed by music. When I record and hear a new song, my heart bursts with joy. I usually cry when I’m singing. My songs are like babies. Nothing moves me like music.

6. I treasure my smile. I love to laugh and enjoy telling puns. It both irritates and amazes my friends.

7. I am very dangerous on the tennis court. All of the women whom I play women’s doubles with would agree. It is such great therapy for me to hit a tennis ball. Unfortunately, it is embarrassing when it rockets into my opponent’s face!

8. Although my mother has dementia and cannot understand much, she lights up when we’re together and exudes deep love for me. I bask in her light and appreciate that I’ve had her as long as I have; she is a miraculous survivor. She inspires me with her ability to hang in there, and I believe it’s because of her deep love for life and family.

9. I miss my father who died last year. But I feel him with me, especially since I sleep in the same bed and bedroom where he used to.

10. I love to write and express myself. My guitar is my best friend. I especially love dreaming about where my life will go. But if it remains the way it is now, I’m perfectly fine with that.

11. I am extremely open and honest. I can easily share my intimate feelings. My music rediscovery blossomed as a result of my opening up and I know that I’ve touched many people with my writing and music. When I began my blog, I shared many personal details about my children because my life was focused upon them for many years. I am grateful that I was able to move from writing about them to discovering my own life!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO ANSWER FROM TERSIA:

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1) Are you addicted to your STATS?

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Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes, I’ve added up the minutes per day checking them and realize it takes up a lot of my time. But I keep doing it!

2) What country do you live in?

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The United States.

3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?

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I loved my fiftieth birthday where my dear tennis friends surrounded me. I also loved my fortieth birthday, which was a surprise party given to me by Norm and Jo (my brother and sister-in-law) and my parents. For my next major party (sixtieth) I’d definitely want my children there and perhaps 20 friends.

4) What is your favourite post?

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My favorite post on my blog is: All I have left after the death of my child. I love it because it crystallizes everything that I express with my writing and music. The picture of my deceased son, Jason, biking with ET, gets me every time. He was such a happy child!

Inspiring hope of healing is what Jason wants me to share with the world. Our love is as deep as it was when I last cradled him in my arms, even though it has been twenty years since he died.

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5) Who is your inspiration when writing?

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Since childhood, I’ve written hearing a voice in my mind that I’ve called “Judy of the Future.” I always listen for her wise voice. I do believe that God inspires me now. I lived without faith and disliked religion for years, even more so after my son’s death. But now I feel blessed and inspired. I understand my purpose in life and accept that I’ll die someday. My life is precious.

6) Introvert or extrovert?

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Both. I love playing my guitar and writing while alone. I also love sharing with other people. I have a lot to say in both cases!

7) Why do you read my blog?

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I came across your blog, Tersia, while searching for blogs about grief. I wanted to carry my message of hopefulness to people in deep grief. But your blog had me bawling because unlike helping people who have lost a child, your daughter was still alive and suffering. I couldn’t imagine anything I could do to help. I didn’t expect to hear back from you when I shared my song “Set You Free.” Then you turned my world upside down by posting it and announcing how my song helped you. What more is there in life than to make a difference to another human? When you told me that Vicky listened to my music while she was dying; I cried picturing that!

8) Favourite quote?

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“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

9) Favourite holiday location?

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Right where I am. Since I’ve given myself permission to pursue my passionate love for writing and music – my life is like a holiday. I am a workaholic who doesn’t feel like it’s work.

10) How long have you been writing?

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I discovered I loved writing in the sixth grade when I was eleven years old. My teacher was certain I’d be published someday. I tried to share with her that I published a maze book when I was in eighth grade, but she had already moved away and I didn’t know how to contact her.

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Autograph Book from Elementary School

11) Favourite TV show?

This is hard to answer. It’s embarrassing because I hate television with a passion. It was always turned on in my bedroom and I searched for ways to ignore it; listening to music helped somewhat. If I could travel back in time to when I did enjoy TV, it was a very long time ago. Okay, here it is: Thirtysomething. It was such a wonderful show and I still remember many of the episodes.

I love old pictures. I was about 9 years old in this photo with my mother and brother, Norm.

11 Questions For My Nominees:

1. Are you able to express your true feelings? When you can’t, how do you deal with it?

2. Do you wake up to write because it can’t wait?

3. Do you love chocolate? If not, what is your favorite delight?

4. Is exercise a chore or something you enjoy?

5. Do you imagine what you will be doing ten years from now? Will you be happier?

6. What is your favorite color and how does it make you feel?

7. Are you good about backing up your computer?

8. What is your favorite song that moves you?

9. What is your favorite post on your blog?

10. Do you dream?

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“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 1”

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I love inspiring other people.

A week ago, I spoke to a woman named Carol whom I reached out to on a Facebook grief site. We had some lovely exchanges, which I’ve already shared on my blog.

Last week, I received a message from Carol with a request from her for us to talk on the telephone. We both live on opposite coasts of the USA; Carol lives in New Jersey and I live in Los Angeles.

I called her and we were both on the phone for two hours. Carol wanted to discuss ways that I could share my music and writing with more people. It was very exciting for me to hear her ideas. I began to dream again about where my book and music would go.

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Finally, I told her I was tired. I was going to go and pluck my guitar before going to bed.

I ended up propping up the phone on my music stand and playing a concert for her!

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I sang while bending over near the phone. When I finished my first song, I picked up the phone. It was quiet, so I said, “Carol, are you still there?”

I heard a sniffle and her voice was teary as she said, “Oh my god, oh my god, you are making me cry – keep it coming, girl!”

I couldn’t believe that I was playing my guitar to someone I had just met over the phone!

Our exchange ended with Carol gushing, “Judy, you’ve inspired me to write again! My family can’t believe it. I made them all listen to your audio stories – it was important for me to do that because I wanted them to understand the depth of my pain losing my son. You have an amazing way of conveying that. I want to thank you for changing my life!”

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This was taken at an open-mic performance where I courageously sang without my guitar!

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 2”

I was smiling when I saw that Tersia had nominated me for the Liebster Award. I needed that smile because my day had been particularly challenging.

Tersia had posted something about eagles two days before. After studying the requirements for my Liebster Award, I carefully re-read her earlier post. It was all about eagle chicks and what their mother would do in order to teach them to fly.

Her post had me rolling on the floor. It was such a perfect post for my day! I was completely stressed out from issues with both my teenagers.

I wondered how in the world I was going to keep pushing my children without being hated! This was the hardest job in the world and I wished I knew what to do. But after reading about eagle moms, I had a much lighter feeling and a far better perspective. Instead of worrying whether my children might hate me, I needed to continue pushing because otherwise I would actually cripple them.

This was her post and I highly recommend it to any parent with teenagers: I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE

Though I appreciated Tersia’s timing, I was very sad to read that she felt she had smothered her daughter; she ached because her daughter never had the chance to leave her nest. Tersia’s longing and torment was inconsolable.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to write a story about Tersia and Vicky. It was so vivid! I emailed my story to Tersia and this was what she wrote back to me:

“Thank you Judy for writing Vic and my story. I have decided to try to publish a book on Vic’s journey. I don’t have a clue how to go about it but I know, that with your permission, this will be the foreword of the book! Thank you, dear friend.”

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ANGEL MOMMY AND ANGEL BABY

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The mommy eagle awaited the arrival of her baby chick. But when the time came, her baby was flaccid and close to death. There was little chance her sickly baby would survive. The eagle mom decided to name her child angel baby and prayed she would not lose her. The name was perfect, because her baby continued to live despite all odds.

But the eagle mom was not an ordinary mom; she was actually an angel mom and that was why an angel baby was borne to her. Both of them were special beyond description and surprisingly, neither one knew it.

But everyone around else did. There was no other explanation as to how her baby chick survived. It definitely was miraculous.

Every ounce of the angel mom’s soul went into helping her baby survive. Her baby fiercely clung to survival because of her mother’s love.

While other eagle mom’s had babies that flew, this angel mom had a child that would never fly. How she wished she could help her baby! She decided that not only would she devote herself to her child’s survival, she would teach her sickly angel baby to fly without ever leaving the nest! There were other ways her baby could fly and together they discovered beautiful ways.

It was their secret and her angel baby loved flying. She closed her eyes when she flew; her beauty was exquisite and she glowed.

Angel mom was so devoted to her baby that she never allowed herself to fly. She chose to only fly while holding onto her baby. She never understood that it was this connection that actually gave her baby the ability to fly.

Soon her baby eagle grew up. Her angel baby treasured her amazing life. Her ability to fly without wings was a secret. To outsiders, she appeared to be a suffering and deformed creature.

Eventually though, it was time for the angel chick to fly alone; now she would go to places in heaven. And one day, she would be reunited with her angel mom and together they would fly again.

When angel baby left for heaven, angel mom was heartbroken and suffered horribly. Even though this was something both of them had anticipated for a long time, angel mom had no idea what to do.

Angel mom cried and cried. She wondered why other people had babies that could easily fly and didn’t leave for heaven prematurely. Typically, babies were set free to live.

Instead, she was forced to set her baby free flying to heaven!

Even though she had helped her angel baby to fly secretly during her difficult life, angel mom had no idea how to fly herself.

She was tormented with longing for her angel baby and felt truly alone.

Angel baby didn’t want to leave and was very worried about her angel mommy. In her short life, angel baby touched many people with her courage. She actually flew farther than any eagle could.

She decided to carry a message to her mother. She whispered a story to a friend to share with her angel mommy.

With her story, angel baby reminded her mommy that setting her free was beautiful; just as she had gifted her with life, she had gifted her with death.

All children must be set free. Angel baby wanted to thank her mom and remind her mommy it was time for her to learn to fly. It was never too late!

Angel baby wanted her mommy to know that she was capable of flying. Angel mom would inspire many others to join her while she soared.

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, awards, blogger, composing, creativity, Daily Life, daughter vicky, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/, http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/, http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/, http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/, http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/, http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/, http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/, http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/, Humor, humor daily life, inspiration, Liebster Award, loss, lovesong, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, optimism, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, Tersia Burger, writing | 8 Comments

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 3

Posted on February 24, 2013 by Judy

This is an example of one of my story covers for my upcoming audio book.

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 1

This has been one of more challenging times in my life. My eye still bothers me and I have tremendous stress, which I cannot share.

To cope, I surround myself with music. My musical elixir continues to soothe my soul and inspire me. I cannot imagine what I would do without it. A few days ago, a new melody for a song began to play in my life. I am not sure at all what lyrics I’ll write, but I’m patient as I wait for inspiration.

Currently, I am celebrating that I suddenly have found a new and stronger voice. My vocal improvement is skyrocketing into the heavens as a result of working with Kimberly Haynes.

I have a tendency to talk a lot during my voice lessons. It’s because I become so excited by the opportunity to share my passion for music. In order to learn from Kimberly, I try really hard to concentrate. She is gentle, yet firm as she redirects me.

Kimberly is such a wonderful teacher. She is thoughtful as she demonstrates vocalizing, carefully explaining every detail in order to help me achieve the best vocal result. Her steady encouragement and positive approach shines. Once again, I’ve found laughter in my life. During the time we’re together, I work myself to exhaustion, but soar with joy hearing the results. Every week at our lesson, I share songs I’m going to work on with Kimberly. Her input has made a significant difference.

My music heals me in so many ways. In addition to singing, I am forging onward to create new arrangements and instrumental versions for some of my older songs.

Two weeks ago, I began working on a new arrangement with George that simply rocks! It is for one of my favorite songs, “Saying Goodbye.” This song will definitely benefit from my stronger voice.

It is fascinating that I am working on such an up-tempo and powerful song while I am going through a divorce. My song was written when I was 19 years old. I wrote it after breaking up with my future husband, whom I later reunited with. Later on, I revised a few words from my song so I could read them at Jason’s funeral

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“Saying Goodbye” is applicable to many areas in my life, so it’s no surprise my song really moves me. My new arrangement is completely captivating. Even though it is not finished, it clearly has all the elements of a great song.

Every time I hear it, I feel my heart racing with joy!

Below is my instrumental arrangement, as well as a clip from a recent voice lesson with Kimberly. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

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SAYING GOODBYE #4 INSTRUMENTAL 2/26/13

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LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt – Saying Goodbye

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I often love to write about metaphors; my song lyrics and stories are filled with them.

Therefore, it is no coincidence that I see beautiful metaphors that relate what I’m learning about singing to improving my life. And those same concepts that help me improve as a singer, even apply to my tennis game!

Here are some examples with my interpretation in italics below it:

Before I sing, the best result happens with intense stillness and focus. I must stop my breath before I start. This helps me to better manage my air. I remind myself to loosen my jaw. And most importantly, I strive for the inspirational feeling that allows my vocals to resonate within my larynx. All of those things must coincide and require tremendous concentration.

Recently, I have found myself frenetically moving in many different directions. I believe that by constantly pushing myself, I am simply running away from my own feelings. I prefer not to stop and deal with painful emotions. I make more thoughtful decisions when I concentrate before moving forward. Music has inspired me to stop and listen.

Singing is very intimate and there is great vulnerability with it. Fear, which is one of the greatest inhibitors in life, comes into play for me while singing. I am often afraid to open my eyes and even more so, lately, because they bother me.

Closing my eyes definitely relates to my current life. I have been suffering greatly with accepting blurry vision in my left eye. But if I want to connect with my audience, I must force myself to keep my eyes open.

Probably the most major singing problem I have is my fear of singing out. Somewhere along the way, I decided to sing softly in order to be safe. As a result, I have formed habits of using my throat muscles in an unnatural way. I’ve suppressed my natural voice.

Pushing things down has resulted in unhealthy feelings and behaviors for me. Overeating is one example of this. Holding things in requires tremendous energy. It depletes me and diverts me from truly experiencing pleasure in life.

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I am striving to discover a more complete voice for myself and am learning to use my “red voice” (similar to my speaking voice), which strengthens my tone. But in order to do this, I must be willing to experiment. Sometimes, it sounds horrible and feels strange. If I don’t allow for this – with the trust that it will improve, I will remain stuck in my old habits.

This is a perfect analogy about going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage. I uprooted my life, because I felt I deserved a chance to be happy. The adjustment is uncomfortable at times, but I have faith and confidence that things will improve.

I have been a pacifist all of my life. I was always trying so hard to force my children to get along. I never expressed my true feelings in my marriage. My husband and I never had arguments or fights. When I told him I wanted a divorce, we never even discussed my reasons for it. Suppressing my emotions became a habit; I have a lot of fear about expressing anger. Emerging from my divorce represents a new pathway. I am eager to find my stronger voice to express my true feelings again!

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“Music inspired, while noise was empty”

I have finally begun to record vocals for many of my empty song arrangements. I started with my most recent song composition, “Music Saved Me.”

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I taught myself Garage Band, and am adept at reducing harsh consonants and sibilance (S sounds) by using fades. An audio story contains hundreds of fades. Slowly, I am learning to work with the Pro-tools program; sometimes it has been overwhelming for me to take in so much. Below is an image that shows my work on Garage Band.

Reducing T

The countless hours of teaching myself editing techniques has enabled me to create vocals I am proud of. I choose the best parts from many vocal takes in order to achieve this. Now I am faced with deciding whether to re-record some of my song vocals with my improved voice. This is a dilemma. I far prefer to move forward and record vocals for my newer songs instead. I want to reach out and start helping people with my music and stories even if my recordings are not my absolute best.

At this juncture, I am not sure what I’ll do. But I will definitely have an improved vocal to go with the fabulous new arrangement for “Saying Goodbye.”

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In addition to drawing mazes while bored in high school, sometimes I created elaborate patterns. My father saved this old drawing of mine.

My passion about singing and music is best shared with recordings from some of my recent lessons. Because people are often too busy to listen, I’ve transcribed parts of these recordings.

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LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #1

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I am highlighting the words, which mention important concepts that truly are wonderful metaphors in my life.

Judy:

I got to sing this week! There was one glorious evening when my daughter went out and my son was gone, too. I sang for two hours. And what happened was my red voice started to come out; it was in all of my songs. I was celebrating it and loving it!

I did a recording a few days ago. I found I had some red voice, but pulled back. What I didn’t like was when I got to the chorus; I wanted to go a little stronger. But when I heard the red voice– I pulled back – it had a funny tone, wavering.

I have a waver in my voice, because when it does get strong, I don’t allow it. I’m afraid to hurt the microphone. I can play you my recording, so you can hear exactly what I’m talking about.

Kimberly:

Your jaw is still very involved – and look, I’m going to show you where your tongue is. It’s pulled back, which means it’s pressing down on your larynx. That causes your jaw to become involved. Also, there are so many things that happen when you compress all of the vowels.

Judy:

It’s so hard to remember to change it!

Kimberly:

You need to have this canister in here. The pharynx has to be blown up like a sail. Otherwise, the larynx pops up – it’s all compressed and there’s no resonance – so it sounds thin. You sing with a breathy voice, its lovely. You sing like that to your baby.

Judy:

But I agree with you, it doesn’t allow me to fully express how I feel if I sing only one way.

Kimberly:

But I think that you’re singing it to your baby. This is an important thing to notice about why you’re singing the way you’re singing.

Judy:

Sweetness and innocence . . . like you said to “a baby,” I’m a “lullaby singer.” Perhaps it’s because I’m healing myself and I’m trying to heal other people.

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Here, I’ll show you the part that stuck out for me. The words are, “You’re my lovely light, just not in sight.” This was very important for me to express. For people grieving, they can’t cope with the loss. But even if you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #2

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Judy:

Whenever it gets loud. These words have a problem: “Gone . . . Day . . . anything that’s big where I want to express it.

Kimberly:

Explosive consonants.

Judy:

Exactly! I sing the word “Day,” then I feel a waver and I’m tightening it up. At the end of the chorus, I totally pulled back. I really want to be able to keep going with that strength. This is a stronger song.

Kimberly:

So, I’m hearing a lot of breath. This is definitely something to get managed. Say it, “When I was younger.”

Judy:

But it sounds terrible.

Kimberly:

You have to do it, Judy. No matter who you are, if you’ve never used that voice – it’s not going to be this beauteous thing. You’ve got to use it before you can train it.

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LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #3

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Kimberly:

We always sing from stoppage. You can’t have breath management if you don’t ever stop the breath.

Judy:

That’s a very big concept. Yeah, I was practicing that. And it’s so interesting, I’m trying so hard to round the vowels – it’s multi-tasking. I think of one thing and I can’t do the other at the same time. So I can do one or the other, but I’m going to really manage the air on this one.

Kimberly:

Believe me, I’m just going to keep nagging you, so don’t worry.

Judy:

You can nag me for the rest of my life. Trust me, you’re going to be in my head. You don’t know. I hear your voice all the time!

Kimberly:

I hope it’s a nice voice.

Judy:

It’s very nice. It’s all about what I want to do to improve. There’s motivation here. The main thing for me is I like to articulate. And I think there’s a reason for it. For years when I’ve listened to music, I don’t know what they’re saying. And people have totally have told me that they love my articulation because they understand me. So it’s just reinforced that. And I appreciate what you’re teaching me. The problem is that just like another language, my mouth is going there.

Kimberly:

You’re so habituated to over-pronouncing. I have to say I think there’s an enormous amount of power in your voice that you’re trying to suppress in a funny way.

Judy:

Yes! You heard my voice on that old cassette. In my youth, I didn’t worry about it – I blasted!

Kimberly:

There’s a lot of energy there. I think it would be a good exercise for you to just let it fly.

Judy:

In recordings, it’s always sounded horrible if I did that.

Kimberly:

Do it at home. You don’t have trust yet in that voice. You’re over trying. Don’t even worry about it.

Judy:

At least I can find it!

Kimberly:

Yes, It’s fantastic!

Judy:

I just remember that whenever I went to a low note with the blue voice I couldn’t rely on it and I’d have the air push it through. So now when I use the red voice, it’s so much easier. It’s like speaking. Thank god, I’m finding this just in time.

Kimberly:

Now hold that position – hold that speaking idea. We’re not talking, we’re speaking. Over time you will learn how to sing in that voice. See, I’m singing in that voice, but I’m doing it with a light touch. It’s the register; it’s the way that I let my chords come together.

A lot of times, there are muscles that we engage in order not to feel . . .

Judy:

I was just thinking of that! With the blue voice, I was thinking of Julie Andrews and the problems she had . . . trying to keep the breath going and soften things that naturally want to come out by holding it in.

Kimberly:

And she also did over-pronouncing.

Judy:

Oh, she did that, too?

Kimberly:

(Kimberly demonstrates by singing, “The sound of music.”)

Judy:

You’re right!

Kimberly:

Okay, so she was controlling all this stuff with these big, giant muscles out here. And she ended up having some pretty major problems.

Judy:

Later on: (Demonstrating an exercise) I practiced!

Kimberly:

(Smiling with pleasure) You sure did.

Judy:

I did. I’m a good student.

Kimberly:

Ahhh, honey, I’m so happy for you. I’m overwhelmed.

Judy:

Really, thank you. I am, too. Why not? It paid off!

Kimberly:

It’s a beautiful thing when you do that for yourself.

Judy:

I deserve this. I have so many songs that I love!

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Tagged composing, creativity, Friendship, Garage Band, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, loss, lovesong, lyric development, metaphors, metaphors about singing, Music, music editing, musical inspiration, musical passion, navigating divorce after a long marriage, opening up, original songs, performing, red voice and blue voice, saying goodbye, singing, singing openly, singing techniques, song arrangements, songwriting, vocal coaching, vocalizing, voice lessons, voice teacher | 1 Comment

I AM THE SANDWICH – PART 2

Posted on February 17, 2013 by Judy

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Seeing what I wrote three years ago reminds me that my former life was definitely a ‘hero sandwich.” My current life is less complicated and I am thankful that I have music and writing to soothe myself.

Below is a link to:

I AM THE SANDWICH – PART 1

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My life completely turned around when I began my rediscovery of music and writing. Today, I received a message from WordPress congratulating me on the third anniversary of my blog. On my first blog anniversary, I was so enamored about my journey that I created a special post filled with pictures. Here is a link to it: ABOUT MY STORY

On this third year, I had completely forgotten about it!

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I truly am a member of the sandwich generation. The year when both my parents lived with me was definitely the most challenging time I experienced as a sandwich. During that time seven years ago, my mother was ill and I also had three children that required a great deal of my attention.

At this moment, I am responsible for two teenagers. My father died eight months ago and my elderly mother is in a nursing home. There are constant challenges for me as I wade through divorce after 31 years of marriage. I am squeezed so much that occasionally it is unbearable.

I also realize that I have a different take on things. Perhaps it was because I experienced the death of my child that I have less fear to follow my convictions. I’m certain that the process of seeing my parents’ decline also brought me to a place of courage. It enabled me to end my marriage.

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Two years ago, my mother fell and broke her hip; I was told she needed surgery to repair it. I refused to allow her to have that surgery for many reasons. A year earlier, I had listened to doctors who insisted that my mother have shoulder surgery after a fall. As a result of that surgery, my mother had complications and ended up on a respirator for two months. It was a miracle that she survived; she had an immune disorder and was very fragile. Her hands were always tied because she was an uncooperative patient.

Refusing hip repair surgery was a gut-wrenching decision to make. I was told she probably wouldn’t survive the weekend, and she was placed on hospice. I was very thankful that she was not in pain.

Well, not only did my mother survive, she was even able to walk again! Her hip fracture healed. Unfortunately, her dementia continued to advance and she can no longer converse. I am grateful she is comfortable; she smiles and recognizes people whom she loves.

My mother thrives because my brothers and I pay for her to have a companion at the nursing home where she is. Her companion’s name is Miriam. I have written about Miriam many times on my blog. She is very special to me.

–

“No Hospitalization”

After my mother recovered from her hip fracture, my father and I were in agreement about creating a “no hospitalization” order for both him and my mother. He was adamant that neither of them would ever suffer in a hospital again.

For my mother, it meant she would never again face the nightmare of restraints to prevent her from pulling out tubes. For my father, it gave him great relief. He was furious about the “so called” non-invasive procedures that had caused him agonizing pain; doctors had extended his life in a way he considered to be torture.

On the morning of my father’s 87th birthday last May, he was unable to be awakened. Only a week before, he actually told me that his birthday wish was to be dead. I followed my father’s instructions and did not allow his nursing home to transport him to a hospital.

I didn’t realize that my father’s wish was such an aberration. It was very clear that the nursing home preferred to send my father to a hospital to die.

My goal was to keep him as comfortable as possible in his bed at the nursing home until his death. It was a huge challenge because there was great resistance to providing him with adequate pain medication. I wondered why it had to be so difficult.

–

My father suffered a lot the year before his death.

My father suffered greatly before his death.

“My heart pounded as I waited”

I was shopping and loading my car up with groceries when Miriam called me. Her voice was filled with terror when she said, “Judy, the nursing home just called 911!”

I quickly hung up and told her I’d call her back. I immediately called the charge nurse at her facility and was placed on hold to wait for more information. Questions swirled through my mind – why hadn’t I been notified sooner? What had happened to my mother’s “no hospitalization” order? My heart pounded as I waited.

Only the day before, my mother and I had gone out to lunch and she seemed fine. As I waited, I pictured the charge nurse running to stop the paramedics from transporting my mom to a hospital.

It actually happened. The paramedics were instructed not to transport my mother just as they were getting ready to take her to an ambulance.

It turned out that my mother had a violent coughing spell. It caused her to vomit a small amount. Her vital signs dropped after that, although she was fine a few moments later. But the charge nurse was new; she had already called 911 because she panicked.

It turned out that my mother’s “no hospitalization” order was a surprise to many of the staff there.

I had no idea it was so rare. For me, it was a no-brainer. Hospitals were torture chambers for both my parents. Even my mother-in-law had begged me to help her get out of a hospital shortly before her death.

The charge nurse came back on the phone to reassure me that she had stopped the paramedics. I grilled her about why I hadn’t been notified of a problem sooner. I was upset and tried to understand, but it wasn’t easy.

I was still sitting in a parking lot with groceries in my car. I decided to drive to her facility. As I pulled out of the parking lot, Miriam sent me a message. She said the paramedics had left; my mother seemed fine and was sleeping.

I ended up driving home and wasn’t sure what I’d do after that. I was exhausted and had a lot of groceries to put away; all of the ice cream had already melted. In only a few seconds, I went from enjoying my day to feeling quite stressed.

This was a perfect story about my life as a sandwich. I attempted to use humor to dispel my aggravation because I was relieved that my mother was okay. Later in the day while I was in the shower, I received a voicemail message from the head nursing supervisor. She told me she was very sorry and it wouldn’t happen again.

–

My mother no longer has her hair colored; she is too agitated to allow it.

“The Next Day”

My story might have been over at this point. But it is not. The next day, I took my mother out to lunch again with Miriam. My mother looked fine and I celebrated that she was still alive and not in pain.

But Miriam needed a lot of reassurance from me. She encountered many opinions from the staff at the nursing home. She had no idea how to respond to what she had heard and was quite worried.

–

It upset me so much that I felt the need to write.

–

This is what “no hospitalization” means to me:

–

It means that I don’t want my mother to needlessly suffer. But her ailments can still be treated. It is not the same as a “do not treat” order.

It does not mean that I want my mother to die.

It does not mean that I believe her life is unimportant.

I simply don’t want her life extended in a way where she would suffer. Especially with dementia, there is no purpose for her to ever be intubated again. There is no hospitalization if she has a stroke or heart attack.

If she broke her arm, I would probably allow for treatment at a hospital. The nursing home would discuss this with me first. Currently, my mother receives monthly gamma-globulin infusions that extend her life.

When this happened, Miriam listened to a lot of ignorant statements from the nursing home staff. She told me they discussed the situation aloud in front of her.

Here was what she heard:

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does her daughter complain to us when her mother has mouth sores or red eyes?”

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does she receive gamma-globulin infusions? What is the point?”

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does her family provide a companion?

Thankfully, I have a blog where I can freely express myself.

I had courage when my mom broke her hip. Now I have courage to follow what I believe in. I am shocked that having this order is considered something rare and “outside the box.”

There are those who believe in spending countless dollars to extend the suffering of terminally ill patients. I am proud of my willingness to go against medical professionals who believe they know what is best for my mother. I am so sorry for elderly people who do not have an advocate!

I have chosen my path and even if no one at my mother’s nursing home understands my reasoning – I stand by it.

I love my mother and celebrate her quality of life.

–

This picture was taken the day after 911 was called.

Tagged "sandwich generation", Advocacy, Aging Parents, broken hip without surgery, Caregiving, dementia, elderly directives, end of life decision, father's illness, inspiration, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, no hospitalization order, nursing homes, refusing to go to a hospital | 5 Comments

ONLY TEARS – PART 2

Posted on February 7, 2013 by Judy

Click the blue links below to play audio:

Only Tears Home Recording 1-3-17

Only Tears Instrumental 2015–

ONLY TEARS

We were children; we grew up so fast

We were confused; our plans were so vast

With uncertain careers

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

We were concerned; our future was scary

We were so close; soon I will marry

Childhood disappears . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day we’ll be older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

We were so crazy and I love you today

Will we stay close?

You might move away

With the passage of years . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day when we’re older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

Now that we’re older, our stories are clear

I’ll feel you with me; you may not be near

Our love perseveres

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

–

Music and memories intertwine for me. I can clearly remember when I was twenty.

I lived a lifetime during a single day back then. At the beach with my friends, playing my guitar – I was complete. All of us knew those days were made in heaven.

There was a favorite 70’s song that I always played during that time. It fit in perfectly with the words: “Please, don’t let this feeling end – it’s everything I am, everything I want to be . . .”

Those lyrics were from the theme song “Ice Castles,” also called “Through the Eyes of Love.” My friends would take turns warbling through the verses and together we would all sail along on the chorus. We sang our hearts out and certainly wished those beautiful feelings would never end.

In 1980 six months before my wedding, I composed my song “Only Tears.”

I have so many beautiful memories of singing my song. It was dedicated to all my friends – but I felt it was especially for my friend, Cheryl. She loved this song and I remember when I first composed and shared it with her. Her doe eyes sparkled back at me and I am emotional just remembering that moment.

I even sang my song aloud in the dressing room before my wedding took place.

–

Then not long after I was married in 1981, my music ended . . .

Until almost 30 years later when I picked up my guitar again in 2010.

–

At the same time I was finalizing my first audio book, I began to select songs for my second book. My most recent song, Angel in the Sky, especially gripped my heart. But I forced myself to continue onward because in addition to writing new songs, I wanted to redo some of the arrangements for my older songs.

I arranged my song “Only Tears” in 2010. I enjoyed experimenting when I first began arranging songs with George. My first arrangement had a country feel, complete with drums and electric guitar, but didn’t touch me.

I decided I wanted a new arrangement for “Only Tears” that would fulfill my sentimental vision for this song.

“Only Tears” was written during a golden time in my life, shortly before I was married. I sang my song whenever I was with my girlfriends, but my song was a special gift to Cheryl, who was my closest friend at that time. She loved my song and I even made her a painting that incorporated calligraphy of the lyrics. Many years later, Cheryl told me how she often looked at my painting and would always treasure it.

I was graduating college when I wrote “Only Tears,” and my lyrics expressed uncertainty about the future. Because I was getting married, I had some doubts over whether my friendships would endure, and that was the reason for my tears.

Four years after I wrote my song, Cheryl married and moved away. So my song actually was a prophecy, because ultimately I lost touch with almost all of my friends. Yet it was beautiful how later in my life, I reconnected with many of them, including Cheryl.

Cheryl died from breast cancer in 2008.

I found it interesting that I finished my new arrangement for “Only Tears” only a few days before the five-year anniversary of her death. A week ago, on the night of Cheryl’s death anniversary, I decided to revisit her breast cancer website (Caring Bridge).

The last entry on that website was one I had written; it was from 2009. When I wrote that message four years earlier, I expressed how sad I was that Cheryl would not see her fiftieth birthday. At that time, I had not yet begun to play my guitar again.

On February 1, 2013, I wrote a new message on the Caring Bridge website. And that same evening, I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement.

I also called Cheryl’s 91-year-old mother.

–

I had hoped I could give her mother comfort by sharing how Cheryl would always live on in my heart. Sadly, the last time I we had spoken, her mother had deeply withdrawn into her grief.

–

When Cheryl’s mother, Blanch, answered the phone that night, I was perturbed when she did not remember who I was. She said she didn’t feel well and hung up on me; it sounded like I had woken her up.

–

After that, I decided to call Cheryl’s brother. He didn’t answer, and I left a message. As I hung up the phone, I was sad.

The loss of my close friend was something I was alone with.

There was another reason that my grief for her had surfaced.

A few weeks before, I saw on Facebook that Cheryl’s daughter had gotten married. I felt both joy and sorrow, because I remembered how excited Cheryl was over my wedding, she loved being involved with all the planning – and even cared more about it than I did!

I just knew Cheryl was terribly missed at her eldest daughter’s wedding. I was glad her children were moving forward in their lives. I was happy for her husband who had remarried.

When I worked with George on the new arrangement, my eyes were bothering me. I tried not to focus on it and allowed my music to heal me.

So it was on the night of Cheryl’s five-year death anniversary, that I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement. It definitely helped me feel better.

Singing “Only Tears” soothed my sadness because I could hear Cheryl softly whispering in my ear. I imagined that somewhere in a distant sky she was hearing my voice.

My grief was not lonely anymore. I was filled with love for her.

My original song sheet from 1980.

I had almost finished writing my post about my song. It was hard for me to believe that five years had flown by since Cheryl’s death.

My phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was Cheryl’s brother. I eagerly answered the phone – there was a lot of catching up for us to do.

When our phone call ended, I had to catch my breath.

It turned out that only a few days before I had called Cheryl’s mother, she had received a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

–

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cherylkessler

–

Feb 1, 2013

Dearest Cheryl,  I know you cannot read this, but on this five-year anniversary of your death I feel the need to write to you.  You are still alive in my heart. I think about you often and feel your presence. I hear your voice and your laughter. Sometimes, it’s so easy for me to picture us together. A smile spreads upon my face as I recall some of the most wonderful memories of my life.  A few weeks ago, I saw on Facebook that your oldest daughter got married. A pang stabbed my heart. I was so sad that you weren’t there. I know that your absence was certainly felt, how I wish things were different. But life and death are mysterious and there are many things I do not understand.  I remember how we used to dream about what the future held for us, as we wondered where our lives would go. Cheryl, I’m grateful for our memories. My tears are sweet and filled with love.

© 2013 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.