myjourneysinsight

ALL YOUR STRENGTH IS IN ME

Posted on September 27, 2013 by Judy

My father hated to throw anything away. He saved all my childhood artwork. I probably drew this when I was about eight or nine years old.

Normally I went out with my mother for lunch on Wednesdays. But an hour before, Miriam (my mother’s companion) called to tell me my mother wasn’t well enough to go out this week. So I decided to visit both of them; we’d just have lunch at my mother’s nursing home instead. But when I arrived, it was clear something was terribly wrong. This was not the chronic respiratory condition my mother usually had.

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The charge nurse tried to be patient with me. I kept interrupting her; anger seeped into my voice and I felt heat rising in my scalp. I was upset when she told me that no doctor was available to check my mother; the nursing home did not have a doctor that came to the nursing home on that day.

As the nurse gently explained the procedures, I made it clear that my mother had immune issues. A week earlier I had complained that she was coughing and would benefit from an antibiotic. She was given one and had improved slightly. But over the weekend, she took a turn for worse. Why hadn’t another antibiotic been prescribed when it was clear the first one wasn’t working?

I emphatically stated that just because my mother had a “no hospitalization order” – it didn’t mean I didn’t want measures taken to give her a fighting chance.

The charge nurse told me that even though a doctor wasn’t available to check her, a nurse practitioner would be coming soon. An hour later, I received a call and was glad I had stirred them into action. My mother received increased oxygen and many tests were ordered.

Before the call ended, the charge nurse asked me to consider hospice for my mother.

–

Like an echo in a canyon, her words reverberated through my mind over and over again. I wasn’t ready. My father’s death felt fairly recent, even though it had been over a year ago.

I noticed that I still held onto the feeling that I had control over this outcome. With the breathing treatments, the nurse said my mother was responding. In another day my mother would receive a boost of gamma globulin, which also might make a difference.

Later that day, I received a call with results of an x-ray. The nurse spelled out the letters of CHF for me. After I hung up, I figured out those letters stood for congestive heart failure.

My mother was 88 years old. She had become increasingly frail over the past six months. Her decline with dementia for the last three years had also been unstoppable. But her love for me always permeated. I slowly discarded the fear of her ever not recognizing me.

I thought I was ready for this. My mother who was so close to me had left my world three years ago. She was replaced with a shadow of her former self. Despite her ferocious ability to cling to life, it was not easy to watch her struggle.

I often wondered, how would I remember her? This frail, sweet loving woman was not the woman who danced through stores shopping with me. I was so blessed to have a mother who accompanied me to all of my childrens’ doctor appointments. She usually planned my birthday months in advance. With her decline, I pretended she still had awareness although she had no idea about calendar days. I would just buy myself a birthday gift and show it to her while thanking her for loving me so much. Despite her advanced dementia, she would glow hearing my words.

I decided it was easier to remember my mother as she was now. Letting go of “a shadow” – was something I was able to do.

It was far more difficult to let go of memories of the mother I longed for at the onset of her illness.

But my longing gradually turned into quiet acceptance. I marveled at my strength. It was best she did not accompany me through my divorce and a huge relief. Yet I was heartsick that my brothers had not reconciled so she could see all three of us together while she was still alive.

That was another reminder of how little control I had.

Was her death is imminent? In a few days I would know.

It seemed possible that she could recover as she had many times before. But she was certainly not going to live forever.

My mother was weak and clearly exhausted. In my heart, perhaps it was her time.

There’s never a good time to lose someone you love. Only a week ago, I felt so peaceful and happy.

My journey had finally taken me to a place above the pain and sorrow I had camped in. The valley of sadness was below me and I had crested onto a beautiful peak. The vistas in every direction allowed me to fully appreciate my remarkable journey.

I rested on that peak and wondered what to do next.

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Even with dementia, I know how blessed I was to have my mother’s love. She was excited to see my first new car in twenty years, which I leased last December.

My mom and my new car

I want to share something that I found in my father’s memorabilia. My mother wrote four pages about the experience of losing her own mother. She wrote it a year after her mother died to read at the unveiling service for her mother’s gravestone.

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As I read her typed pages, I remember observing her grief. I was perhaps nine years old at that time and it was difficult to see her sadness. It was my first lesson about grief and I’ve never forgotten it. Clicking on these two pages make them larger.

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Message to both my brothers, yesterday:

Mom was too sick to go out for lunch today. I brought Miriam a sandwich and just visited her at the nursing home. Mom was having some trouble breathing and couldn’t open her eyes. Even though she was struggling, I knew she was aware that I was there; she tried to mumble a few words.

They were cooling her because she had a slight fever and keeping her as comfortable as possible.

Mom was supposed to have received her monthly gamma globulin treatment this past Monday, but the office cancelled it and rescheduled it for this coming Monday (the doctor had jury duty). This happened when she really needed the boost to her immune system.

I wanted to see if she could receive it any sooner than this Monday because it might help her with this situation.

Anyway, I managed to get it arranged for Friday. I also let her nursing home know that even though mom has a “no hospitalization order,” they can still give her an IV with antibiotics or fluid. It’s interesting that they think her situation is “do not treat,” which it is not.

Love, Judy

These are song lyrics for my newest song, which is not finished.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged Aging Parents, Caregiving, Congestive heart failure, dementia, grief, GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, interstitial lung disease, loss, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother dying, mother's illness, writing | 4 Comments

THE UNKNOWN-PART 1

Posted on September 21, 2013 by Judy

Link to recordings and more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

THE UNKNOWN

I go through my day to places that heal me

I cannot stay, you no longer feel me

My words will stun you, ‘cause I’ve begun to

Leave you behind; I escape in my mind

My tears I hide when you are near me

I cry inside where you can’t hear me

I’ve watched you brood; avoid your mood

There’s no connection without affection

I run from you; don’t know where to

The touch you withhold just feels so cold

That’s when I withdrew

I feel so alone; your heart is like stone

I lie awake and feel my heart break

I’m ready to face the unknown

You’re caught off guard; this is so hard

The touch that I crave has made me so brave

I’ve known you so long; I must alert you

This feels so wrong; I hate to hurt you

With so much pain, I can’t remain

You might not miss me, ‘cause you never kiss me

I run from you; don’t know where to

The touch you withhold just feels so cold

That’s when I withdrew

For years I stayed, ’cause I was afraid

don’t even know, where I will go

But I’m so ready

I feel so alone; your heart is like stone

I lie awake and feel my heart break

I’m ready to live on my own

I’m ready to face the unknown

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I love the image of a baby hummingbird for this song. I also wrote a parable I named “The Songbird,” which tells my story with metaphors.

Other alternative song titles that I considered:

“I’m So Ready”

“I Run From You”

“Heart Like Stone”

Title that a good friend gave my song:

“The F.U. song”

When I began to write this blog in 2010, I was exhilarated and ecstatic. I was ready to try new things as I felt myself being transformed and healed. My excitement about re-learning my music and songs slowly crept into my life.

I was not afraid to put myself out there. I find that interesting, because currently my journey has led me to a place where I am refining my vocals so they are “acceptable” for me to release and eventually sell.

But in 2010 when I began my music, I felt certain I would become successful. I find that amazing because at that time, I could barely sing the melodies to my songs. I jumped into performing and I cringe remembering how I sounded.

A few months after I began playing my guitar, I signed up for inexpensive voice lessons at a nearby public park. My teacher’s name was Peaches Chrenko. For some reason, I hired a videographer to come to one of my first lessons.

I can’t remember my exact reason for doing that, but my guess is that I wanted to document something that I felt was an important step in my journey. The pictures for this story are from that video.

Even though I hardly knew Peaches, on that video it was obvious that we were already laughing and connecting about music.

Peaches certainly understood what it meant to be a passionate songwriter.

I might have been coping with difficult circumstances such as my mother’s dementia or my father’s declining health – but when I was at a voice lesson with Peaches, I was alive.

For so many years, I lived without laughter. But for one hour every week when I had a lesson with Peaches, I discovered how beautiful it was to laugh again.

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As I began to compose songs again after 30 years, I discovered there is a part of my mind that is like an “empty space.” That hollow space is ready to be filled with a new song. I have no idea how or why my mind creates a song, but when it happens, it is something I have no choice but to allow for. It doesn’t matter how busy I am because when a song enters my mind I am stopped in my tracks.

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Every song of mine is part of “the musical of my life,” and feels as though it is already written; I am simply discovering it. The process is magnificent and usually begins with chords and a melody; the words soon follow.

When I began to hear the chords and melody for this song, I had no idea what would be unleashed.

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It is hard to describe how painful it was to extract lyrics from my soul while I was writing my song “The Unknown.”

I was grateful I could share “The Unknown” as it progressed with Peaches. I told her how I felt like my heart was breaking open as the words to my song emerged. Words can be powerful, and that same week I experienced terrible pain in my breastbone. It was while I was sitting in my doctor’s office waiting to get results from an x-ray, that I realized how my lyrics of “I feel my heart break” had literally manifested as physical pain in my chest.

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I wrote the song lyrics for “The Unknown” while I was on vacation with my family. Late at night, painful words started to fill my mind. My deadened emotions, which had helped me cope with anger and hatred suddenly began erupting. As my honest feelings poured out with my lyrics, I could not stop them.

I felt terribly disloyal and guilty writing my song, but I had finally faced my feelings!

I was suffering every moment that I spent with my husband. He was critical, angry and remote. I had withdrawn from him so much that he certainly might have felt the same way I did. He could have written those song lyrics about me.

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This picture of me playing my guitar at the age of 15 is taken in the patio where I am now living. When I sing, I feel like I am that young girl in the picture above.

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Hypnotherapy allowed me to “unstuff” my feelings in so many areas. I became very open, and the contrast with my marriage was stark and visible for me. My ability to be open and the desire to feel understood was something that would not allow me to accept my marriage anymore.

My husband was not interested in my journey and I shared little of it with him. In order to assuage him, I expressed extreme confidence that I would eventually become financially successful. That only added pressure, and was so counter to what I believed my journey was about. My joy was about helping other people. For me, any financial benefit would be to reach even more people and enable me to continue doing what I loved.

The heart of the matter was my willingness to go against what was familiar in order to face something that truly was unknown. I felt as if I were stepping off a cliff because worrying about financial security wasn’t going to stop me.

I never considered anything other than total commitment to marriage while raising my children. For decades, I had remained married in order to give my children stability, though sadly the lack of affection between my husband and I was not the example I wanted for them.

I used to believe that remaining married was the highest priority, certainly more important than my own happiness. It was amazing how I suddenly decided not to sacrifice my happiness anymore. My newfound desire to make each day of my life as precious as “a gold coin,” would not allow me to live in an environment as remote as the one I had lived in for such a long time. It was far too late to repair my marriage, and I had no desire to.

I did not leave my husband to find someone else. I was happy because I discovered I preferred to be alone; it was far better than my empty marriage. I was strong enough to face the unknown; whatever it might be. At the age of 51, I had never lived on my own, because I had left the security of living with my parents when I was married at the age of 21.

The most difficult part was hurting someone I once loved with whom I had spent so many years of my life.

I hoped he would discover a better life as I led the way into the unknown.

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Below is a continuation of my dialog with Peaches, (my former voice teacher) while I was composing my song “The Unknown.”

JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #5

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #5 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J. I’m beginning to feel more spiritual lately; I have to tell you that.

P: Oh, interesting.

J: Because I’ve had a lot of doubts about God before. But I’m beginning to think that my music was sent to me to save me. That’s a huge revelation for me.

P: Geeze, I don’t talk to you for six days and look what happens!

J: One of my stories led me to write this song (“The Unknown”) because if I view every day of my life as precious I don’t want to live with someone who makes me unhappy.

I was reading about agents and books, and they said that book titles should be unique – easy to find. So I Googled “Beside Me Always” – there’s nothing with that title. There’s no other song; there’s no other book. There were just a few evangelical writings and they were named “Always Beside Me.”

You remember the song “You Light Up My Life?” I’ve told you this; I see how my song (“Beside Me Always”) might be taken by a lot of people looking for spirituality, even though for me it is about my child. But there’s more to it – it’s that comfort of being surrounded. So I think it’s a good thing.

P: Yes, it just keeps growing. It just keeps getting broader, wider and deeper. It continues expanding, this multi-faceted journey of your life!

J: Did you like the idea for the title? I think, “I’m” could come off. It could just be “Ready to Face The Unknown. Or, “I’m Ready.” That might be a song title already; I don’t know. “I Run From You” might be too mean, though.

P: “I’m Ready to Face The Unknown” sounds too much like a sentence. You’re giving away your chorus a bit.

J: Oh, yeah, that’s true. Although it’s more memorable with the word “unknown.” It is unusual.

P: It is very much so.

J: This feels like a musical. It’s a musical song, a story going on of my life.

P: You said that before and I didn’t get that. But when you said it just now, I hear what you’re saying.

J: I see a stage and someone singing . . .

P: There’s also a possibility of one-word titles like “Ready” where people don’t know what it’s about.

J: Or “The Unknown?”

P: When you first came to me, that was the title that I heard. Because I’m always looking for the unusual, simple titles that haven’t been used.

J: I think I like “The Unknown.” Because when you say, “I’m Ready,” you could be ready for anything. That’s good, because it does sound like you’re leaving – jumping. It is not just about this. This is painful and scary. So “The Unknown” represents a lot more of what my song is about.

P: And certainly adds a mystery and depth to it.

J: It does! “The Unknown!” Oh, I like that. Peaches, I love you!

P: I didn’t say that to you earlier, because I didn’t want to sway you.

J: Peaches, you didn’t sway me – that hits me!

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JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #6

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #6 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: I pushed it down for so long.

P: Yeah, and this song feels like someone who feels bad about feeling bad. This is very tender. This is, “I respect you, but we’re just not connecting anymore.”

J: I didn’t know when I wrote the music how it would fit. I am so pleased that I could do this. And then I even added, “I’m ready to live on my own.”

P: Oh, I like that!

J: I decided to make it clear – because it is part of facing the unknown. I’ve never lived on my own – EVER! I’m fifty-one years old and I’ve never lived on my own – my whole life.

A WEEK LATER:

J: I love my new song but if I didn’t change gears I’m going to get sick. It’s so hard to have that. I want to record it, but I feel like I have to force myself to wait to record it. It’s sort of like – I need to keep it under wraps.

P: Keep it in here? (She points to her heart).

J: Yes, although I can look forward to recording it. But I’ve got to focus on other things. I’m trying to move ahead to see what other things I could work on to get this out of my mind.

P: You’re so funny – so funny.

J: Why?

P: Because, these songs are your babies. And when you get them; that’s where you live. You have to deny yourself.

J: I know!

P: You look hot, Judy.

J: Hot? Like?

P: Yeah, good hot.

J: (Laughter) I’m sweating!

P: No, no! (Laughter). Otherwise, I would just turn the air-conditioning up.

J: A different look?

P: Yeah.

J: I have different eyes. I have a different way of seeing the world. I mean it’s sort of like the ceiling was taken off and I can see the sky. I have all kinds of ideas. I’ve never even been with someone who plays tennis. I was always saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be with someone who plays tennis?”

P: Because you love tennis?

J: I’m not looking for a man. There’s so many things I’d want companionship for and it would be nice to be with someone I could be with. And for him, too.

P: Yeah.

J: But for right now, this is a terrible time. I just don’t know why it came up at this time. There’s got to be a reason that the music did it for me. I know it.

P: It always seems like a weird time for certain things. It’s never the time you would really choose. Rarely is it the right time.

J: I would much rather have chosen to be busy traveling, promoting my book, making lots of money and then decide, “Now it’s real easy to just leave.” But, no! It had to come up now. When I’m just so at the lowest point, in terms of finances – you know, I’m trying to find my worth. This is really an opportunity for me to find my strength.

P: That’s true, Judy.

J: I have to totally self-talk and tell myself how valuable I am, because if he finds out now – I’ll be scathed. My betrayal – oh, it’s causing me stomach pain.

P: Oh, goodness gracious – it’s hard. But everybody gets through it.

J: I’ll come through it.

P: You do it minute to minute, the way you’re doing it right now.

J: Thank God for the music! Thank, God! Thank, God!

P: Yes.

J: You know what? People might relate to me in another area. I never thought of that. It’s interesting. Because I like to be an inspiration for surviving grief, but I would have also liked to be an inspiration on how to stay married. But I guess people might understand these feelings. I’m going to cause the divorce rate to go up! All these women are going to look at their husbands and go: “I’m ready! I’m ready to go shopping – to go travel! To go live without you!

–

JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #7

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #7 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: It’s like I don’t want to express these feelings. I’m very good at holding my feelings in – but with music it causes things to come out that you don’t realize. It’s there for you. And this was not a good time for me to be writing that song. I’m not ready to share it. The only thing I can think of Peach, is I have that empty space – it’s not empty yet. I still have this in there. I have to move this out. I’ve got to start writing another song because this one plays and loops in my head – I’m so into it.

P: Your brain works against you sometimes.

J: As a songwriter, you have that?

P: Oh, yes. I totally have to see “play” and “stop” buttons in my head. And I have to push “stop.” Mentally – I have to see a button and I tell myself, “You will stop playing.”

J: I wish I could do that. I don’t know how to stop it!

P: Well, you have to find something. Maybe you need to scream or slam something down – I don’t know.

J: I wake up in the morning and I hear it playing. It starts the minute I wake up.

P: Yeah, I know.

A WEEK LATER:

J: Can I pull out my guitar?

P: Yes, absolutely!

J: Well, I feel like this whole thing is about how God has sent me my songs. I don’t understand the timing on this last song at all. It’s just like what you said. As a songwriter, it’s a baby and it hurts. It really hurts because I didn’t get to enjoy my baby. At first, a negative way of looking at it was it was the devil – the devil baby! A demon! I gave birth to something evil! Get rid of it!

But actually, I have a whole other way of looking at it. If my song was a baby, than that song was a premature baby. A “premature baby” meaning that I don’t understand why it came so soon. It came when it wasn’t supposed to and it required a lot of care. I just decided I have to let go of it. It is too much for me right now. So what’s the best thing I could do? Replace and move on! I went ahead and started writing something else.

P: Great!

J: I had to and it helped. It’s like I say with God; I just feel like I’m being comforted with the knowledge that I can do something else – because, this is not a time to be writing songs. I have a book to work on. I have plenty to do; but who can control it? So it is my therapy to move that song out and put something else in. And because it’s a gift I decided that whatever I write is going to be something that’s going to help other people. So I’m writing a song to inspire other people to know they can survive.

It’s sort of like – I was thinking of that “Titanic” song “Your Heart Will Go On.” But this is more of saying, “You will make it.” But I don’t have all the lyrics yet; I just have one verse. It’s so hard. I don’t want to be preachy and I don’t want clichés, you know. But the music speaks. I started by going on a chord hunting expedition.

P: Oh, good!

J: This you can appreciate . . .

(Judy plays guitar chords to her future song, which will be named “Hang On”)

JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #8

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #8 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: I have it all with my music. What if I didn’t have my music? You know it is interesting because my music was there for me in my youth and I gave it up when I got married. But I found it again and I found it on my own. Sometimes we outgrow things; we need more in our life. And I think for me, I need more in my life. I realize wanting more can lead to less, in that you might not appreciate what you have. But that’s the unknown; I don’t really know. I’m willing to make a mistake and you know a risk has payoffs.

P: Weren’t you talking about the melody feeling repetitious?

J: Yes in the chorus. If you had any ideas of anything I could change.

(Judy demonstrates on the guitar.)

J: Oh, I want to hear your suggestion . . . But I just had the idea of coming in higher here.

P: Go ahead.

J: (singing) Your heart is like stone.

P: That’s pretty.

J: But I found it! (Laughter) I say, “ Peaches, show me.” Then I sing right over you! What’s the matter with me?

P: And she’s says, “I found it!”

J: I feel like I’m ten years old!

A WEEK LATER:

P: Judy, you’re in a hostile-type environment and it’s so strange with people you love. Usually, it’s clear – I’m in a hostile environment; people don’t love me. But to me, your situation seems nebulous and confusing.

J: It’s very confusing.

P: You have the love . . .

J: They love me, but they’re upset.

P: And the fact that you’re doing this music in a hostile environment is amazing.

J: It’s a miracle.

P: I don’t know if I’ve ever had that experience. It’s tough even being with people who support you. It’s hard to be naked; it’s hard to create because you just want to be alone sometimes and create stuff and feel free to try things and sound stupid. That’s hard.

J: Yes!

P: So you are doing this and it’s amazing! It’s like being on a battlefield in Afghanistan and writing those songs . . .

J: And I used to have the love of my mom to support me with things I did. But I don’t have that anymore. I miss that feeling. But I feel myself. In fact it’s making me stronger, because I have to find my own purpose.

P: It has to be, because you’re still doing it. Nothing is stopping you – you’re doing more than ever!

J: I love my children and I understand because my daughter verbalized it well. She said, “I am happy for you, but it’s hard to be happy for you because what made you happy took you away from us.”

It took me away from devoting my life to them, which is something I can’t do anymore and I shouldn’t do at this stage in their lives. It’s not healthy.

P: Exactly.

J: But it was sudden; it wasn’t gradual. It happened so quickly. With time, we’ll have a different perception.

P: Yes, you know this can’t go on.

J: And the irony is that probably in the long run it will be better for my husband, too. You know when you hear the words – he broods and with his mood, and there’s no connection without affection. It can’t be good for him. He’s very passive.

P: Yes. When someone is exhibiting that kind of behavior they’re not having a great time.

Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, breakup song, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, divorce after a long marriage, emptiness, empty marriage, ending a marriage, Escape in my mind, facing divorce, Friendship, gray divorce, guitar, heart break, heart like stone, hummingbird, I feel my heart break, I feel so alone, I run from you, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage breakup, marriage ending, Music, original songs, performing, prophetic song, Ready to face the unknown, Reasons for divorce, sad song, separation, separation and divorce, singing, song titles, songwriting, the touch you withhold, the unknown, unhappy marriage, voice lessons, writing, Your heart is like stone | 3 Comments

THIS FEELS SO WRONG

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Judy

Autumn leaves always touch my heart. My child died in the fall and memories return with seasonal change.

Link to more stories about this song: THE UNKNOWN

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My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Unknown.” My song changed the direction of my life because it led me to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

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My lyric line of: “It Feels So Wrong” relates to how empty my marriage was. It felt wrong to be married to someone whom I didn’t want to spend any time with.

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But my title also carries another meaning for me; it relates to how vulnerable and open I’ve felt regarding my failed marriage. I’ve shared a great deal of personal information. I’ve wondered; is that wrong? I’ve decided it isn’t. In the past, I’ve anguished about sharing my feelings because I felt guilty. But writing honestly on my blog has been very healing and freeing. I see great value in inspiring others to face the unknown.

I have struggled with many emotions related to the death of my marriage. And it has been very much like a death. One day, I was married to someone for decades. He watched me grow up from the time I was 18 until the age of 53. But when I uttered the words, “I want a divorce,” he exited my life. I had waited a year to find my courage and was relieved that I finally had been able to say those words. He was left coping with his shock, wondering what happened to the woman he was married to.

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This feels so wrong

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Because my husband is still alive, I feel his pain and sometimes I’ll imagine stories about what he thinks of me. Those thoughts are not helpful for me. I prefer to remember instead how we both lived as strangers for many years, and hope that we both heal and move forward in our new lives.

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Something died between us and it happened a long time ago.

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A failed marriage is not about one person being at fault. I’m more than willing to take responsibility for my shortcomings. For years I knew that my marriage required more commitment and energy from me. I had plenty of reasons for not making the time.

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I certainly could have continued living with a marriage lacking both affection and connection. I did it for decades without any expectation that it would change. I wasn’t affectionate towards my husband because I carried a lot of resentment. Therefore, there was no way that I could insist that he change into someone affectionate. Those feelings inspired me to write these lyrics of: “You might not miss me, because you never kiss me.”

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These lyrics were written 35 years ago for my song “Saying Goodbye.” I found a lot of papers that my father saved of mine. I originally wrote “Saying Goodbye” after breaking up with my future husband in 1979. A lot changed in 34 years.

One of my favorite lyric lines that is from another song of mine named “Clear” is:

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“It’s never too late to turn your life around, no reason to wait!”

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I realize that change (such as turning your life around) is something most humans avoid. Unfortunately, the price for staying miserable is very high. We tell ourselves that familiar misery is acceptable because the unknown might be worse.

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The unknown is scary and unpredictable.

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From the moment I was ready to face the unknown, I was determined to change that mindset.

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I view the unknown as exciting and beautiful!

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Autumn leaves always touch my heart. My child died in the fall and memories return with seasonal change.

Below is a continuation of my dialog with Peaches Chrenko (my former voice teacher), while I was composing my song “The Unknown.” I’ve highlighted lyric words with blue.

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JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #3

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #3 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

J: “Set You Free” is a perfect way to end my book. “Set You Free” ends it with how I’m setting my grief free and I’m setting myself free. That continues with this! It’s a musical of my life and God only knows where it’s going. I’m ready to face the unknown!

P: Judy, I know you are. That’s why it means so much hearing that. And people are so going to relate to that.

J: How many people have the courage? It’s familiar . . .

P: That statement is huge. It’s easier to cling to what you have – it’s not easy to stay in one place, but it’s easier than doing this.

J: I know it is. To reach that point to actually say it! You’ve been there. I’ve never been there – I’ve been married for 30 years with the same person. I’ve never been with anybody else. I’m willing to face the unknown!

P: That’s heavy. I’ve got to tell you – this verse was a killer. These words are so fresh!

The way you sang, “This feels so wrong,” “alert you” and “hurt you.” “Stun” is not a word you hear used in songs, but it should be! There are so many aspects of these kinds of things in relationships that do stun you. I liked the way that worked here: “My words will stun you, ‘cause I’ve begun to leave you behind, I escape in my mind.”

J: What about, “You won’t miss me, you never kiss me?” And the one that really gets me is, “I cry inside where you can’t hear me.” Is that not true? It’s about when you’re crying inside.

P: It just makes you sadder!

J: You’re stuffing it – you’re holding it in.

P: Yeah, you can’t even share – it’s like ultra-alone, so much more alone. To not even share the fact that you feel so alone! I’m laughing, but it’s not funny – it’s horrific, and just so well stated.

J: It’s so hard to rhyme and still show the feelings.

P: Isn’t that such a cool challenge? When you get it, isn’t that the sweetest thing?

J: I love it! Because I put here originally, “Avoid your mood” and then I went to “avoid your direction.” But then I changed it to “Dislike your mood, avoid your direction – there’s no connection.” Then I discovered “affection.”

P: Ooh!

J: The rhyme with “affection” really summed it up for me – much more than “direction.” So “there no connection without affection.” That’s what it’s all about!

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This picture was taken at one of my first lessons with Peaches in 2010.

P: Judy, it’s just amazing. This song is amazing and when you put it with everything else . . .

J: You like this one? It’s a true story!

P: These are not just songs. You ever watch Rod Serling’s Night Gallery?

J: Yes! (Intense laughter) Why, is this a horror?

P: It’s like these songs come to life. It makes me think of paintings that came to life in that show. These are not just songs, just like those were not just paintings.

J: I mean if I put this out there, it’s like it is alive. My husband is always going to know that I wrote a song without telling him. How do I live with that? He’ll say, “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you write a song and put it out there and not tell me?”

P: What do you think would happen if you told him?

J: I’m facing the unknown; I don’t know. What I’m doing is I’m healing myself.

P: Are you considering telling him? And that’s not a suggestion . . .

J: Not yet. The time is not good. But it’s very hard to contain. So since I can’t contain it, what better way is there for me to channel the feelings? It’s all very clear, and you know clarity is beautiful. I’ll always have it.

P: And it won’t always sting like this.

J: In the musical of my life, it’s just like Jason’s death. When I sang “Saying Goodbye” – you know how we talked about those songs? They’re very painful and they express it and then I can look back later without pain. But still, this is pretty tough.

P: It’s amazing. It is so beautiful. I love using the word “unknown” in a song.

J: Okay, good. Because I always think of the song I used to love from “Fame. “Out Here On My Own” – do you remember that song? (Judy demonstrates)

P: Oh yeah.

J: I was thinking of “Out Here On My Own” and I didn’t want to do that. I kept thinking I’m going to “go out on my own” – but I like this “unknown” better.

P: Yes, this is so fresh – this is you. Congratulations, Judy – you birthed another one.

J: Thanks, Peach. I couldn’t wait to share it with you. You know what’s funny? Like I said, I did it this morning and I typed it up so I’d remember it, but it’s very slow. It reveals itself one word at a time.

You cannot rush it. It speaks when it’s ready.

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JUDY & PEACHES LESSON #4

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Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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Clip #4 – Judy & Peaches discuss “The Unknown”

Judy strums the ending chord to “The Unknown.”

J: I love that chord at the end. I don’t know about the rhymes “crave” and “brave” – they’re new. I just wrote that this morning. “You’re caught off-guard; this is so hard. The touch that I crave has made me so brave.”

P: Oh, wow! I like “brood and mood.”

J: Well, that is so true.

P: I can tell! It’s not something you just pull out of a hat.

J: And the thing is, that it’s not a surprise to people hearing the song, but it would be a surprise to my husband. Oh God, I’m just hoping he’ll think it’s not about him someday. I don’t know – I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s too mean. I’m not a mean person, and I’m trying to write this in a sensitive way.

P: Well of course you’re not.

J: Even adding the line, “That’s when I stopped loving you,” is pretty tough. I don’t know if I can even sing that. It’s so honest. When I put in the word “brave,” it pretty much covered all the feelings I needed to cover. I think it’s done.

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P: Oh, I thought about this last week when you played it for me, “I run from you.”

J: That could be a song title.

(Then Judy starts laughing)

J: “I run from you!” It sounds like I have to go to the bathroom!

P: I mean it’s not funny, but most of the songs say, “I run to you.”

J: (Judy sings) “Run to me whenever you’re lonely . . .” That was the Bee Gees!

P: And then Whitney Houston from the movie “The Bodyguard.” (Peaches sings) “I want to run to you . . .”

J: Oh, yeah!

P: All those songs, and I also have a song called, “I Run To You.”

J: So, I’m the opposite.

P: Yeah, it’s not funny . . .

J: It is funny! By the way, I was in such a rush typing this before coming here. Remember I had, “my heart felt so cold?” It was too many syllables. I did change that.

P: Yes, you said you were going to work that out.

J: And it came out better that way. Actually, you don’t need to explain when your heart went cold. You can just feel cold, and that’s when you withdrew. “Your heart is like stone” is such a mean statement. I could rewrite it, “My heart feels like stone – you’re so alone!”

P: There’s just nothing about this that he’s going to feel good about. If it’s about him, he’s still going to feel like he’s the cause of that. You know what I mean? Either way, it just sucks. There’s no pleasant, sweet way to say, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” The words are the words – the reality is the reality.

J: I thought about the fact that he would tell me not to ever share this song. But how much do I owe him for so much of my life? The other side is, I don’t think it would bother him if the song made millions of dollars – it’s such a good song.

P: Judy, do you hear yourself? Do you hear what you’re saying? What does that say?

J: That tells me something – that if this song were a real moneymaker he would be happy. I really think so. Isn’t that sad?

P: Yeah! It’s really sad! Then you owe it to him to write the best friggin’ song ever. You need to not hold back!

J: Maybe that’s why I’m doing it. I can’t let out the stops – it’s just all coming out.

Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

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JUDY SPEAKING ABOUT “THE UNKNOWN” AT AN OUTDOOR PERFORMANCE

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Tagged acoustic guitar, breakup song, childhood friendship, composing, coping with divorce, courage, creativity, divorce after a long marriage, divorce and separation, emotions, Friendship, gray divorce, guitar, Humor, impending divorce, inspiration, lyric development, lyric line, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, Reasons for divorce, seasonal change, separating after a long marriage, separation, separation and divorce, shortcomings, singing, song leading to divorce, songwriting, voice lessons, writing | Leave a comment

HOLD ON TO EACH DAY

Posted on September 12, 2013 by Judy

This picture above is where I create my artwork and edit my vocals. You do not see a couch. But this is my living room, and it truly is in a completely literal sense of the word. Recently my oldest son has decided to live with me during the week. If you look carefully, you can see him sleeping on a futon right next to my computer desk.

My 22-year-old son has told me that nothing will wake him – not even the light being on when I start working at 6:00 a.m. He says it is a result of hearing constant train noise and sleeping on the floor where his father lives. I’m thankful I could provide a place for him in my tiny apartment. During the day, he has been searching to find a job. I know he will find one soon.

So now I have all three of my children living with me most of the time. And we all share one tiny bathroom just like when I was growing up.

Aside from one big blowup between both my sons versus my daughter, things have been going well. I’ve finally learned to let them work things out.

I’ve discovered that is far better than getting involved with their problems. In my former life, I was a “fixer.” But when I get drawn into drama, I usually end up being a target.

On most weekends, my sons leave to visit their father. I do notice a different feeling in my apartment with fewer bodies around.

And here’s a confession: On the weekends if I’m alone, I’ll find myself singing and dancing naked through my apartment!

My life has been busy. I am juggling several illustration assignments and adrenaline is pumping through me. It sure feels great to be working as an illustrator again. So many times, I have written off my art career.

But suddenly, I am back in business.

When I used to have long breaks between assignments (sometimes as long as a year), my confidence as an illustrator went below my ankles. Also, throughout my career I’ve experienced performance anxiety with every job.

But for some reason, that anxiety is gone now. I am simply elated to know that I have the ability to earn money as a single woman.

Nothing is simple, though. Two days ago, our air conditioning stopped working. Then today, my daughter informed me that our shower wasn’t working. My oldest son turned it on to demonstrate. He laughed as I was soaked from the water spraying everywhere. I should have known better than to fall for his trick. My daughter had clued me in when she moaned, “I’m late for work and had to rinse my hair in the bathtub!”

Buying a new shower head went to the top of my errand list.

Today, I was simply amazed how I juggled everything. I wrote for my blog, worked on artwork, fit in lunch with my mother and took care of having those broken things fixed.

I even found time to sing vocals for half an hour before the air conditioner repairman showed up! Every minute of my day was touching and carried meaning for me.

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Kissing my mom outdoors

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When my mother came into my car today, I gasped when she said hoarsely, “How’s your work going?” For some reason, I am never prepared for my mother’s occasional clarity.

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Only that morning, my mother had a chest x-ray because her cough was worse than usual. I received another call from the nursing home just as I was leaving for lunch. They wanted to inform me that my mother had another large bruise on her leg.

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When I saw my middle brother, he asked me how my eyes were doing, I blinked and told him, “Crappy.” It was true. I saw blurs and spots, and dryness was a constant source of discomfort. But I was grateful that I could still create artwork and music. I wasn’t going to allow my eyesight to distract me from enjoying my life.

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I regaled everyone at the lunch table with stories about my illustration assignments. There were so many funny anecdotes that I wrote another story, which I’ll share soon.-

I beamed and smiled throughout our lunch. Music filled my heart and I was bursting with joy over where my life was going. I especially was eager to hug a certain waitress at the restaurant. Her name was Melissa.

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She read my blog and I had shared CD’s with her. Anyone who listened to my music or read my words were connected to me. My heart was open and I just welcomed them into my inspired and beautiful world.

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In our brief interactions, I knew Melissa’s mother-in-law was mourning a daughter who had recently died. Melissa had a young son who had undergone heart surgery. And soon he was going to be five years old.

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In only a few weeks, it would be the twenty-first anniversary of my son, Jason’s death. Jason died at the age of five and would always remain that age for me.

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I asked Melissa if we could take a picture together that I could share on my blog. She happily obliged.

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As I ate my lunch, I noticed my mother’s alertness had vanished and her face was placid. I tried to include her in our conversations, but dementia had once again stolen her away. She was coughing a lot, which exhausted her. Now she was silent and remote.

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Suddenly, I looked closer. My mother’s dull eyes were staring and expressionless, but a huge tear was rolling down her cheek. I watched as the tear dropped down onto the table. I looked over to my mother’s companion, Miriam, who was sitting next to her.

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I said, “Miriam, why is my mother crying?”

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Miriam leaned close to my mother. My mother whispered something I could not hear.

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Miriam said, “Your mother just said she was crying because she is so happy to be with all of us.”

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This is Melissa, the waitress that I look forward to seeing every week when I go out to lunch with my mother, Miriam, my middle brother and my nephew.

This is Melissa, the waitress whom I look forward to seeing every week when I go out to lunch with my mother.

Just last week, I received a question from my friend, Steve. I want to share my answer here.

On Sep 6, 2013, Steve wrote:

On your last post you mentioned this sentence: God channels songs to help a sad, middle-aged woman.

It seems more appropriate to someone who is really religious. (God channels….) Would you consider yourself a “happy person” with your eye problems and still seeing a hypnotherapist weekly? And seemingly only happy when writing or listening to your own music?

Hi Steve,

I do feel very inspired by God – so that was an honest statement. I’m extremely spiritual without entering a temple to feel that way.

I’m usually smiling and walking with a dance in my step whether I have music on or not. I always hear it in my mind.

I still see my hypnotherapist, Connie every week. I adore her and feel like she’s a great friend. She’s such a positive person and has helped me through so many tough things.

I love writing and where I’m living. I have some challenges with my kids, but usually I can work through everything. Divorce is never simple, but I feel like I’ve come through the worst.

My eyes are often cloudy, blurry and foggy. They get dry.

But I still stay positive and smile.

Judy

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These lyrics are from my recent song “Somewhere I Can’t See.”

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