myjourneysinsight

MY SOUL I WOULD RESTORE – PART 1

Posted on December 28, 2013 by Judy

I live my life through songs.

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Throughout my day a song plays in my mind and uplifts me. Usually, it is the one I have most recently arranged. Therefore, for the past few weeks I’ve been humming the melody for my song “The Door” and this post title is a lyric line from that song.

My trip to Yosemite in the winter was fantastic and during the day the sun was shining and warm. I had originally thought it was an inhospitable season to take this trip. The lodge I booked was historic and I thought that rooms were still available during Christmas week only for that reason.

I share some humor with a lyric rewrite (changes in italics):

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When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore

Then you’ll know

I had to pee for hours

It’s freezing in the snow!

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Those words are because the price was significantly more expensive with a bathroom in the room. I opted for the less expensive option of using a communal bathroom.

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At night, this beautiful view was dark as I ran down the hall to use the bathroom.

Our room was the first door on the right. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway.

I was actually humming those words as I dashed outside in 25-degree weather to use the bathroom at night. I definitely kept a lookout for bears, too.

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I wondered how it would be during a snowstorm!

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Our hotel lobby, which was decorated beautifully. There was a gingerbread house display behind us.

The drive to Yosemite went smoothly. It was not at all the “wasted day” I had thought it would be. Joni and I sang along to my music for five hours.

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Joni was my childhood friend.

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My heart was bursting when she told me she never got tired of listening to my music – but even I was a little tired of it after that drive.

Our families lived in the same apartment/coop building when we were growing up (I currently live there and she lives a mile away with her husband).

Joni and I played hide and seek together as young children. We savored Monopoly marathons. When we were in high school, she serenely listened to me play my guitar while sitting on a bench during lunch. My parents included her on many family vacations and we both had wonderful memories from those times.

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Now we were adults in our fifties.

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Stress was a constant companion for both of us and we decided this trip was an opportunity to leave all worries behind. We would restore our souls!

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When I picked her up earlier that morning, Joni beamed and told me that this trip was exactly what she needed.

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I was sure glad she appreciated our trip. If she hadn’t agreed to go with me, I would not be meeting Sandra Callahan in Yosemite. How amazing it was that I was taking a trip I never expected in order to meet a fellow blogger!

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Joni and I stopped to take a picture near the entrance to Yosemite Valley. The weather was amazing!

We arrived at 2:00 p.m. The check-in time at the rustic lodge where we would be staying was 5 p.m., but the clerk was warm and gracious and allowed us to go right to our room. I began to feel my body relaxing with the smell of pine and burning wood. It was heavenly.

Up until the last hour of the five-hour drive, no mountains were visible. The landscape was dreary and the sky was dingy. But as the road began to climb into the Sierra mountains, colors began to brighten and the deep blue sky was glorious. The magical forest was like a long-lost friend welcoming me.

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Patches of snow with deep blue shadows glistened in the distance. My eyes were teary and foggy at the same time. I closed them and breathed in the brisk air with deep appreciation. I was pleased that our room was comfortable and quaint. The forest view was inspiring. I was so happy to be in this beautiful place!

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After Joni and I rested, I was ready to meet Sandra and her husband, Chris. They were the reason I had taken this trip.

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When I arrived, the clerk had given me paper and an envelope so I could send a message. I went to the front desk, gave the clerk my note and went back to my room.

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It was getting dark. I was playing my guitar while Joni quietly read a book. The loud knock at the door startled me. With enthusiasm I put down my guitar and jumped from my chair.

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I threw open the door and loudly announced, “We meet at last!”

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But to my surprise, it was not Sandra in front of me.

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I was so embarrassed!

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Instead, it was the elderly porter who had carried our bags hours earlier. He handed me an envelope. The message was simple. The Callahans would meet me in the lobby.

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How would I recognize them? I only knew Sandra from reading her blog and she never posted pictures of herself. Up until a week ago, I wasn’t even certain Sandra would be able to make this trip. A terminal heart condition plagued her with fatigue and pain.

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I read the note and my heart was racing with excitement.

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I was really going to meet her!

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged beautiful music, childhood friendship, close friendship, Congestive heart failure, creativity, escape through music, Friendship, guitar, healing music, http://thedrsays.org/, inspiration, Joni, Judy and Joni, Judy Unger, living with terminal illness, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, memories of friendship, Music, music and healing, music arrangements, music as therapy, musical comfort, optimism, original songs, Sandra Callahan, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, staying positive, terminal illness, the door, writing, Yosemite | 2 Comments

I KNEW I’D BE OKAY – PART 2

Posted on December 22, 2013 by Judy

Not the best photo lighting, but memories of this beautiful sunset will always stay with me.

Not the best photo lighting, but my memories of racing up a mountain road to witness this beautiful sunset will always be with me.

I am blessed to be part of an amazing blogging community.

Tomorrow I will be leaving on a road trip to Yosemite with my good friend, Joni. I planned this trip in the middle of winter only because I wanted to meet up with Sandra Callahan who will be in California visiting from Georgia. I love Sandra’s blog and feel close to her because both of us have open and honest hearts when we write.

A link to Sandra’s blog: http://thedrsays.org/

Sandra recently published a book about how she has coped with her terminal heart condition. She asked me to read and review it. At the end of this post, I will share just a few of her beautiful words.

When two of my other far-away blog friends heard that I was going to actually meet Sandra, they both were envious and thrilled for me. I plan to share stories and pictures when I return.

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Judy and Peaches at Sabino Canyon

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Before I began lessons a year ago with Kimberly Haynes, I worked with Peaches Chrenko. I was a “musical baby” when I came to Peaches – I could barely sing and had only begun to play my guitar again after thirty years.

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Last week, I visited Peaches in Tucson where she currently lives. We had never “hung out” together and this was my first solo vacation without a husband or children along to worry about.

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Peaches is a very inspirational person and one day I will share more about her story. She moved away from Los Angeles at the same time that I separated back in September of 2012.

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Her move was a result of wanting to escape the stress she was under in Los Angeles. As a single mother of three boys since they were babies, supporting herself solely as a musician had begun to take a toll. She also moved to Tucson in order to look after her mother who was coping with intense grief after the loss of her sister and husband within a one-month period.

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In Tucson, Peaches began to heal and change her lifestyle. The migraine headaches, which had plagued her diminished.

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A few days before my trip, I received an adorable text from Peaches. It was: “I’m looking at my mom thinking – why are YOU so excited, when she’s my friend? LOL!”

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The trip was a helpful diversion for me since I was scheduled to go to court with my husband the day after I returned. I share below lots of pictures, because they capture more than my words could say.

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Believe it or not, this is a makeshift burglar alarm. It took me two days to figure it out!

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Eating chocolate and playing Scrabble was fantastic. For the three nights I was there, we played every night.

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Between hysterical laughter there was a lot of competitiveness. Peaches and her mother, Adell were both excellent players.

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Every morning, Adell joked and said, “Don’t imagine you’ll win tonight. I’m going to kick your butt!”

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In between those games, I hoped that some of my words helped to soothe Adell’s grief.

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Those brown squares were awesome! (Not the ones with letters on them)

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I did win the first two nights. On the last night, all three of us were taking our last turns and within 2 points of each other.

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Adell won.

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I looked over at her shining face and didn’t mind losing. I decided it was the perfect way to end our marathon.

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Adell said, “I haven’t laughed or felt this great in a long time. Your visit has brought so much joy into our home and I’m really glad that you came. Thank you, Judy”

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I felt the same way.

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Playing Scrabble 2

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Three weeks ago, my 20-year-old daughter moved out to live on her own for the first time.

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Every time I walked past her empty room, the reality that she was gone filled me with emotion. She begged me to leave her room “as is” for ten days until she gathered all her things. Whenever we spoke on the phone, she told me she was certain that she would not be coming back.

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My thoughts jumped back and forth between feelings of success and failure. Success was my pride that my child left “the nest” to be independent. Failure meant she fled my apartment because she hated living with me and our relationship would be distant.

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A few days before she moved, I was listening to my song “Set You Free.” I had distinctly written that song imagining that one of my children was leaving me. I really appreciated my song and my own lyrics spoke to me.

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I opened up to share those feelings with my daughter on her moving day. Her response was:

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“Mom, you wrote that for grandpa when he was dying. I’m not dead. Don’t think for one minute that it applies to me!”

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Saturated sunset 2

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When I returned, the following day in court was exhausting. For hours, I held all emotion in check as I sat at a table far away from my husband while our lawyers negotiated. Writing was the best outlet for my emotions and I stayed up late writing parables about a Princess and a Dragon.

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For certain, I was sad about the coldness I projected during that day in court. Regardless of the circumstances, I had known my husband most of my life and did not want to let fear or guilt drive my actions.

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I decided there were always opportunities for improvement. Most of my motivation was because I knew it certainly would be better for our children.

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Ironically, the next day I had my opportunity.

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My youngest son performed in the annual holiday show at his school. At 17, he was so tall and sweet-faced. It was beautiful watching him and I beamed with pride.

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My husband also attended the show. The auditorium was crowded and I didn’t see him. After the show, I walked over to my son and hugged him before leaving. It would have been far easier to slip out the side door and go to my car before my husband saw me.

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Instead, I walked over to him and shared how awkward I felt not speaking with him the day before. My husband joked and said that if we had talked our lawyers wouldn’t have liked it, which was probably true. He told me that his lawyer’s excuse for being late was due to the rain. Then he shook his head and wondered how that excuse held up when everyone else was on time despite the rain.

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The ice was now broken and I could see my son was elated that we were all friendly to each other. Before I knew it, all three of us were having lunch together at a nearby restaurant. After lunch, my son asked his father if he would come into our coop/apartment so he could show his dad his room.

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My husband hesitated. He used to visit me there when I was a young girl of 18. Over the last 30 years he had often fixed things for my parents when they were still living there. I knew this would be difficult for him, but our son continued pleading.

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Softly, he told our son he would.

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Both my son and I gave my husband a tour. My husband noticed immediately how different the apartment looked without the clutter from my father’s hoarding.

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He noticed it was dim in my daughter’s room and replaced the light bulb for me. Soon, my other son would move into her vacated room.

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I call this my “living messy room.”

My oldest son was at work, which was a huge change in his life after desperately job-searching for six months after his college graduation. He worked long hours at a nearby shopping mall where he held two part-time jobs that would end after the holidays. The disarray in my living room was obvious and my husband chuckled.

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I share this picture of my kitchen counter when I returned from Tucson. My two sons could have done better.

After they left, I collapsed on my bed.

I definitely felt much better. I was so relieved that things had improved so much because of my own courage and inclination. Perhaps, now I could move on!

A second later I heard the front door opening. My daughter had arrived for a visit. I changed gears and gathered my energy.

First, my daughter and I went shopping for a few household items. Afterwards we ate dinner and sipped coffee at a nearby restaurant. Both of us were affectionate and open the entire time, and that was something I hadn’t experienced with her in a very long time. Usually we bickered and argued over everything. I felt genuine interest and caring from her and actually enjoyed our time together, which was rare.

After she left, I felt a glow inside and thanked God for the blessing of this incredible shift in my relationship with my daughter and soon-to-be ex-husband.

It had been such a wondrous day, filled with improvement in so many ways.

Perhaps this was the rainbow through my tears after all!–

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Tagged A Rainbow Through My Tears, acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, arranging music, beautiful music, children and divorce, composing, composing music, coping with divorce, coping with grief, creativity, divorce after a long marriage, ending a marriage, escape through music, facing divorce, facing divorce after a long marriage, gray divorce, guitar, healing music, heart break, impending divorce, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage ending, mother daughter relationship, Music, music and healing, music arrangements, music as therapy, musical comfort, optimism, original songs, Peaches, Peaches Chrenko, Princess and the Dragon, princess metaphors, Rainbow through my tears, Rainbows, Sandra Callahan, separation and divorce, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, staying positive, the door, the princess and the dragon, Tucson, writing | 5 Comments

MEANT TO ME – PART 2

Posted on December 20, 2013 by Judy

Click the blue links below to hear audio:

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WHAT YOU’VE MEANT TO ME

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You live within my love songs, and the music from my heart

I always sang love to you, right from the very start

Right from the very start

I’ve written a song to tell you I love you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

How special you were in my life, in my music

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

So, I wrote you this song to tell you I need you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

That I loved you more than I ever told you

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

I care for you so tenderly, but you know I am unsure

And afraid to comprehend; any love that might endure

Any love that might endure

I’ve written a song to tell you I love you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

How special you were in my life, in my music

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

So, I wrote you this song to tell you I need you

For if something goes wrong, I want you to know

That I loved you more than I ever told you

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

What you’ve meant to me, what you’ve meant to me

What you’ve meant to, to me

I want you to know what you’ve meant to me

Link to Part One of this story:

#104 WHAT YOU’VE MEANT TO ME

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Sharing this song right now is a balm for my soul.

There is no question that my first arrangement of “Meant to Me” has a medieval sound. During the solo interlude, I always picture a castle filled with nobility dancing in elaborate costumes.

There is irony that I share this story as I write about a Princess and a Dragon, which also carries a medieval theme.

Eight months ago, I recorded a new vocal and added more instrumentation to this early song arrangement created in 2010. Although there was a second arrangement of Meant to Me, my first one really captured the happy feeling of this love song that I composed at nineteen.

Originally, my song had a longer title of “What You’ve Meant to Me.” It was the simple sweetness and memory of writing it that allowed me to keep most of the lyrics unchanged from how I wrote them 35 years ago.

But one line of lyrics definitely needed a rewrite. Originally, I wrote this silly line: “if something goes wrong, I want you to know that I loved you more than the others before you.” Actually, since I married at 21, I truly didn’t love too many others before then. I changed it to: “I loved you more than I ever told you.”

The line of something going wrong definitely was a statement made by a girl who was far too immature to marry only 2 years after writing this song!

Recently when I was working on the vocal, I began to transfer some of my emotion to other special people in my life – most importantly, my mother. I ended up imagining that her dementia was something that was definitely “going wrong.” It turned out that my lyrics weren’t too far off.

My prophecy that something might go wrong in my relationship actually came true very quickly, not long after I wrote my song.

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Not as confused

In one of my memory boxes I found an old letter written to my husband during a time when I broke up with him before we were married. I wrote another song after that letter, which I named “Saying Goodbye.”

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Michael and I reunited and were married in 1981. I was 21 and he was 24.

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I forced myself to overcome my fear about love enduring.

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Today we both signed a final agreement resolving all issues related to our divorce after 31 years of marriage.

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The Princess and the Dagger

The night faded into dawn. The Princess prepared herself to face a day she had been dreading.

On this day, she would confront her fears. She would see the Dragon and the decision she had made over a year ago would soon become a reality.

Although the Princess and the Dragon would formally end their marriage, they would always be tied together because of their offspring.

Unfortunately, the Princess was also still tethered by unwanted thoughts.

Her mood danced between feelings of bravery and failure.

Melody soothed the Princess as she rode her horse toward the meeting hall. The Princess was early and carefully searched for the room where a Magistrate expected her.

A moment later, the Princess saw the Dragon walking toward her. His eyes met hers with friendliness.

She averted her eyes and the Dragon awkwardly continued walking past her. It happened so quickly!

She truly didn’t know what she was supposed to do. A sharp stabbing pain throbbed inside of her. Once again, she had rejected him.

The Princess deeply wished the Sorceress were there. Only a second later, the Sorceress arrived and the Princess felt relief that she was now safe. The Magistrate began to call everyone into the meeting hall.

The Dragon was anxiously looking for his Wizard who was late and nowhere to be seen.

The Dragon went into the meeting hall. He sat alone and his eyes were very large and pained.

The Sorceress whispered to the Princess, “I feel very sorry for the Dragon.”

As time ticked by, the Princess began to feel overwhelming pity for the Dragon. It was then when she realized her fears about the Dragon wanting to hurt her were completely false.

The Dragon was simply weary, just as she was.

Eventually his Wizard arrived, and the Dragon was clearly relieved.

Even though the Princess knew the Dragon posed no danger, the pain inside continued. She imagined that an invisible Dagger was stabbing her. She closed her eyes and pretended she was okay.

For several hours, the Wizard and the Sorceress worked on ways to form a final decree, which would separate the Princess and the Dragon forever.

Most of those things could have been easily settled, except the Wizard wanted to use his exorbitant magic potions.

The Princess was thankful that she hired a Sorceress with powerful spells to counter his, but those also came at a very high price.

It was not unusual for nobility to expect magic to be the solution for dissolution!

The Princess was certain that her pain was a result of the Wizard and his wicked incantations that began weeks before this meeting.

She held tightly to her Sorceress and wished the Sorceress could have protected her from the Dagger.

As the minutes ticked by, the Princess pretended the Dragon didn’t exist by turning away from his direction. Both of them were not far apart within the hall, but the Princess imagined he was on the other side of the world.

Eventually, the Sorceress happily returned to where the Princess was sitting.

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With exuberance she told the Princess that everything had been resolved.

It was over. The Princess hugged her wonderful Sorceress and thanked her for both protecting and soothing her. For certain, the Princess wanted to rejoice about something she had hoped would be achieved with the settlement.

The Dragon had accepted a few of her jewels and in return, she would completely own all of her art and musical treasures.

The Wizard and the Sorceress shook hands. The Princess bid farewell to both of them.

But the Dragon left as the Princess was looking somewhere else.

A storm had been brewing all day and rain was steadily pouring as the Princess left the meeting hall. Her hair was dripping as she walked uncaring into the wet mist and mounted her horse that awaited her.

She galloped through the rain to a small cottage, which had become her new castle for over a year now. The rainbow she had dreamed about did not appear as the steady droplets splashed upon her.

She imagined the raindrops were tears from angels in the sky above. Jason and her parents were crying.

The rain began to diminish. In the damp mist, the invisible Dagger kept stabbing the Princess over and over as she rode her horse.

There could hardly have been a better outcome on such a difficult day. She wished she were celebrating instead of suffering. For so long, she had dreamed of the relief this day would bring. And now it was a reality! She ignored the pain until it was impossible to ignore.

The Princess stopped and wailed.

Why, oh why was this happening to her? The Dagger was spoiling everything!

The Dagger decided to answer the Princess and said, “Dear Princess, you’ve carried me for a long time and you know me well. It is you who are wielding me.”

Now the Princess understood.

The Dagger was her guilt.

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Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, break up song, breaking up, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, divorce after a long marriage, ending a marriage, facing divorce, gray divorce, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, heart break, heart like stone, I've written a song, impending divorce, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love and marraige, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage breakup, marriage ending, Meant to me, Music, Music from my heart, original songs, Princess and the Dragon, princess metaphor, Reasons for divorce, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, the Dragon, the princess and the dragon, the unknown, unhappy marriage, What you've meant to me | 8 Comments

WHEN THE SHEETS ARE STILL

Posted on December 18, 2013 by Judy

edge of the bed

“The Princess on the edge”

The princess had few memories of her long ago prince. All she remembered were the countless years she had struggled living with the dragon he became. She often imagined that she never knew a prince at all.

The dragon was always unhappy and smoldering with anger and fire. He was furious, but his fire was always self-contained. Over time, the princess grew to intensely dislike his presence.

For many of the years they were together, she learned ways to create distance in order to feel safe. Now the distance was real. Leaving the dragon was the most courageous thing she had ever done in her life. Once she actually left the castle, she noticed how relieved she was. It was easier than she expected and she did not miss him at all.

But there were many traces of familiar habits that she noticed she had not left behind. For instance, the princess could not remove the heavy armor that she carried for protection.

Worse yet, was the way she went to sleep every night. No matter where she slept, it was always on the edge. She would hang onto the edge of every mattress and her arms would dangle over the side. It was something she had learned because she wanted to be as far away from the dragon as possible.

This particular habit made her terribly sad. She did not want reminders of that empty life and the years of lying awake at night contemplating her hollow marriage. The untouched bed and stillness of the sheets beside her was a very sad reminder, indeed.

But the fact that she continued to sleep on the edge gave her the feeling that the dragon was still there.

When she first left the dragon, she was in a dark foggy landscape. Eventually, everything in her life became easier and the darkness lifted. The dragon left their castle and it was sold. She had everything she needed to begin a new life.

But it was not over and she could not separate from the dragon so easily. The dragon hired a wizard because he was determined to defeat the princess and make her pay for her betrayal.

In turn, the princess sought out the help of a wise sorceress. The wise woman who would protect her came at a very high price, but the princess was grateful for her wisdom.

The princess could feel the dragon coming closer. The final moment of tearing their bond apart was approaching. She and her sorceress would have to face the dragon and his wizard soon. Although she was not in danger, her heart was aching and detachment was eerie. She imagined instead that her heart was made of stone.

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Heart Like Stone in Blue

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Sometimes she cringed when she imagined his hatred for her. In order to save her life, she had ruined his life. But weaving stories about him only kept her imprisoned. It was better to forget he had ever existed.

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Soon she would be facing him. She clung to the edge of her bed and dreamed of when it would finally all be over.

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