OPENING UP – PART 2

Posted on March 30, 2017 by Judy

The aroma of jasmine has been intoxicating me this past week. Hannah, my vocal coach, took my picture in front of her home where there are many gorgeous star jasmine bushes in full bloom.

The springtime aroma and breezes inspire me. I’m going to open up this post by sharing a delicate “in progress” arrangement of my song “Every Season.” On my next post, I plan to open up more about my music and share this song as it progresses.

Click the blue links to play audio:

Every Season new arrangement in progress-Copyright 2017 by Judy Unger

EVERY SEASON – guitar and piano Copyright 2017 by Judy Unger

I’m going to move away from the topic of online dating. It was a huge thing for me to be open to dating again. After 38 years, I went on my first date with a new man I met on an online dating site. We went out twice and I enjoyed my time with him. But I’ve grown tired of looking at profile pictures and receiving strange messages. I’ve decided not to renew my dating site subscription at this time.

What really inspired me was a message I received from a fellow blogger and friend, D.D. Wood.

D.D’s blog Daily Divorce Meditations really helped me when I was going through my separation and divorce. I often left D.D. comments that reflected my fear of ever considering a new relationship.

Well, a month ago I shared with D.D. the news that I was open to dating again. I loved her response so much.

Judy, WOW!!!! I am proud! You are doing it! Getting healthy and moving forward. My mentor told me a great piece of advice: she said to go out and do all the things I loved and that by living my authentic life I would meet someone out there who loved those same things I was doing and that is exactly what happened… I met my love while walking the dog! So keep doing everything you love…. being authentic… that love is coming!

My new job will consist of more yogurt flavors like this one.

I’ll be working on a new illustration assignment soon, so I am glad I was able to post on all three of my blogs this week.

It’s been 18 months since I’ve updated my art blog, ILLUSTRATING MY LIFE. My post BEING OPEN was truly a pleasure to write.

For four years, I suffered with dry eyes. Dry eyes are very individual and every person is different. I glad I was open to trying an alternative remedy by working with a naturopathic doctor. Because many remedies set me back and irritated my eyes, that took perseverance and courage. On my Dry Eye blog, Dry Eye Diaries, my post I WAS HEALED shares hopefulness and the technique that helped me. If my story inspires or helps even one person, then I am blessed.

From the time I was married at the age of 21, I closed up with every passing year. I denied my feelings and ignored my intuition.

Once I had children, I had no time to think about how I felt. I had children with extreme challenges and lived in survival mode. I became an “advocate warrior,” which only continued when I became a caregiver for my parents.

It was opening my heart and sharing that put me on my amazing journey of insight.

One of my first blog stories was named Up and Out. At that time, I hadn’t yet found the courage to write about the death of my son, Jason. But it was after I wrote my story that I truly began to heal.

Only last month, I arranged this song. I read the lyrics at Jason’s funeral in 1992.

After my separation, I gained a lot of weight as I struggled with my dry eye condition and the guilt I felt from my divorce. Food became my friend and companion and it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I struggled to find inspiration and am so glad I was open to signing up for a medical weight loss program. I have now lost almost 40 pounds and feel so much better.

This is a before and after picture to show my weight loss.

At the age of 57, I am now able to live freely and openly. I am happier and far more peaceful than I ever imagined I could be.

Watching my children grow has been one of my greatest joys. In May, I am taking all three of my adult children on an Alaskan cruise. I planned this trip over a year ago. My brother and sister-in-law are celebrating their 25th anniversary and we are joining them with their children. All of us are anticipating this vacation with unbelievable excitement.

My journey has taken me to such wonderful places. I smile because I hear such beautiful music wherever I am!

Click the blue link to hear a new arrangement for “Beside Me Always:”

Beside Me Always Arrangement-Copyright 2017 by Judy Unger

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I’LL PRAY THAT YOU’RE SAFE AS YOU FLY AWAY

Posted on March 9, 2017 by Judy

These lyrics from my song “Someone To Love You” were written to my children. But they definitely apply to me, too!

Link to Song Page for other stories, performance and recordings: SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU.

I share my arrangement for my song “Someone To Love You.” This song is part of my musical life as I continue having new adventures!

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU ARRANGEMENT – Copyright 2017 by Unger

I am 57 and it was almost 40 years since I’d gone on a date. Looking at a dating site was one thing, but actually meeting someone was definitely out of my comfort zone. Because I felt a different energy and excitement, I decided it was good for me.

When I received a message that didn’t sound pasted and copied, I went to look at the man’s profile. He looked nice and I wrote him back. He shared his number and I decided to text him.

He started out by thanking me for texting him. Then he asked me how my day went.

I shared a few things I’d done and thanked him for asking. Except auto-correct put:

“Thanks for faking!”

I jumped when I saw that and quickly wrote, “Darn that auto-correct! I meant thanks for asking!”

He asked me how long I’d been on the dating site and I told him it was about a month. He wrote:

“I was just curious why an angel like you wasn’t picked yet. Maybe it’s my lucky month to have connected with you. Or rather, maybe all men are just blind!!”

I grinned and wrote:

“Aw, thank you! You’re sweet. I’m plain – not much into glamor! Now I’m really smiling. So many of those messages I’ve gotten are cut and pasted. You seem like a real person – a really nice person, too.

”He replied:

“You are welcome. I feel so cool that I could make you smile. That simply implies you are a very happy person yourself; as it takes just a little endeavor to make a happy person smile.”

I enjoyed texting with this man. He said nice things and sounded very interesting. His name was a little complicated because his father was Italian. He told me he loved his work; he had an engineering degree and designed custom cars.

He was a widower and we wrote about our children. It was touching when he wrote that he had decided it was time to embrace life again. It was well after midnight when I said good night. I told him I was looking forward to speaking with him the next day.

In the morning, I wrote him a message and told him when I was available to talk. In the evening I was going out with my girlfriends and wouldn’t be around. I didn’t hear anything from him until late afternoon and I told him I’d text him when I was home later in the evening.

I looked forward to seeing my friends. I waited until the other three women had ordered their food and then I dropped my bombshell. “Guess what?” I said, “You won’t believe this, but I’ve actually signed up for online dating!”

All of my friends practically jumped up. They clapped and their eyes collectively widened with surprise – they were so excited for me. It was fun to see their reaction; these were women who had seen me suffer with caregiving, raising teenagers, going through my divorce and dealing with chronic eye problems. Their love and support had helped me through all of that. Being able to share something uplifting and wonderful put me on a cloud.

I took a deep breath and said slowly, “I think I might have met someone!”

They all asked me for his name. And then they wanted to know if I had could share his picture. I went to the online dating site to find it. “He’s tall and has a warm smile,” I effused.

I drove home from the dinner grinning and not long after I got home I received emails from two of my friends. Their messages were the same.

“Watch out! There’s nothing that shows up with that guy’s name. In fact, that picture is of someone else! Red flag!”

My head was spinning. I never knew about Google reverse image search. I was very lucky to have seen my friends that night.

The next morning, I received another message from him asking how I was. I wrote: “Who are you?”

What ensued was a dialog of him trying to understand why I didn’t trust him. He was surprised that his picture was someone else’s. I suggested he try a Google reverse image search and he wrote:

“Never mind; forget about it.”

I was very naïve, for sure. Not only had I allowed myself to be duped – I showed him how he could cover his tracks better in the future.

I thanked my friends profusely. One friend, Liana, told me she was happy to shadow me on any of my future dates. I was very touched by her offer.

My other friend Patty was very worldly. I thanked her so much for watching my back and wrote an email saying:

“Patty, this has been so shocking to me – but really a necessary lesson. I was so dumb!”

Patty’s reply was wise and her message definitely helped me view my experience in a much more helpful way.

“Hi Judy, I’m so sorry this happened. I know how exciting it can be when a cute guy is interested. You are NOT DUMB! You just don’t have a whole lot of experience yet. Give it time. Continue to cast your line and go on some dates with no expectation. Just have fun. It’s nerve-wracking at first, but it’ll get easier I promise.

Pretty soon, you’ll have a load more material to blog about! Some funny… some not so funny. You’ll meet nice guys… guys who just want to get laid…guys you want to smack… and guys who might reject you. And that’s ok. Rejection is protection. ALWAYS! Just please keep in mind that you have the power. Take care Judy. Love you!

Two months later, I received a message from a man who saw my profile on a networking site. He wrote:

Hello Judy,

How are you doing today? I was actually searching for an acquaintance when I came across your profile. I must confess you are pretty and this is me being honest and not just mere flattery.You caught my eye; I am interested in communicating more and sharing more about me with you and hope to learn more about you too that is if you are single and interested in communicating further.

I do believe everything is possible if we put our mind and heart together just like I believe that good things can be found in the least places. I hope to hear from you soon. Till then stay blessed.

Warm Regards, Daniel

I replied to his message and wrote:

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your honest and bold message – I smiled reading it. As far as your asking if I’m single – I am!

I have an open heart and am very blessed so your words rang sweetly to me. We can communicate more. I’d like to know more about you and I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.

Take care, Judy

I received a long message back from Daniel. He shared pictures and his life story. He was a widower who lost his wife and daughter in a car accident. He lived somewhere in California, but he didn’t say exactly where, so I asked him.

His next message was even longer and he didn’t answer my question. I scratched my head. Then I went  and uploaded his picture to Google for a reverse image search.

Bingo! It said, “Beware of this man, he is a scammer.”

I laughed out loud! Thankfully my lessons were paying off.

But by then, I had actually met a nice man and went out on my first date in decades. It was a wonderful experience.

I am very proud that I’ve had the courage to take my chances through such a jungle of deception!

 

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DON’T HURRY, TAKE IT SLOW

Posted on February 26, 2017 by Judy
endless-possibilities

These are lyrics from my song “Someone To Love You.” The lyrics I wrote to my children, definitely apply to me, too!

Just after the New Year began, I peeked at an online dating site and began writing a profile.

I pride myself for being a heartfelt writer, but writing a profile on a dating site was far different than writing for my blog. I do find humor with my first attempt. It was far too wordy and waaaaay too honest.

MY LIFE

My life is very different now and not at all like I imagined when I was younger. I devoted myself to my children and parents. I was unhappily married. I suffered through the death of one of my children. 

But everything changed for me when I discovered my love for music. I became joyful and music helped me cope through the deaths of my parents. I found happiness and felt excited about life again. 

I chose to get divorced after 31 years. I have been on my own now for 5 years.

I’m grateful for every day of my life. Today, I am peaceful and amazed that I had the courage to change my life. 

I have wondered why I was willing to consider online dating. It’s pretty scary for me. Mostly, I feel like I’m missing intimacy in my life. I often don’t have anyone to talk to except my sons – and I certainly don’t tell them all of my thoughts. 

I know I’m intelligent and have a great sense of humor. I think it would be wonderful for me to enjoy the company of a many who is kind and comfortable to be with. But since I haven’t dated in decades, it’s all very new for me.

FAVORITE THINGS

I read the newspaper every day. I love going to the movies and sometimes go alone. I don’t read much even though I am an avid writer. 

I love food and enjoy cooking – my youngest son, who is 20, often joins me in the kitchen.

After my divorce, I put on a lot of weight. But I’m very proud that I have taken off most of it. I recently lost 35 pounds and am hoping to lose more.

As much as I love food, I’m very careful what I’m eating these days. I never want to fall back to being heavy the way I was. Healthy is my motto and I enjoy fruits and veggies so much more now!

IN MY OWN WORDS

I’m a creative person. Music has been my passion for the last 7 years. I play guitar and regularly perform my original songs.

However, my profession is one of a commercial artist. I’ve been illustrating since I graduated college. My work is very realistic and my paintings are on labels in the supermarket. It’s been a great career and I still receive assignments, although I use the computer a lot more now.

I was married for 31 years. The whole idea of a new relationship is very scary for me. I’ve decided to be courageous and view this as taking small steps toward meeting new people and enjoying new situations.

I was very close to my parents and they are gone now. My children are close to me. I have two sons that live with me. I chose to live in the same place where I grew up after my divorce. I’m surrounded my many memories of my past.

I’M LOOKING FOR…

Someone who understands me and whom I feel safe with. I’m not really able to say that I’m looking for a partner – my past experience has left me with trust issues. I really don’t know what a “good relationship” looks like.

I was a caregiver for many years – I took care of my childrens’ needs and was an advocate for them during their school years. Thankfully, they are doing well now. Later on, I took care of my parents.

Today, I am taking care of myself. I’m not looking to take care of anyone or have someone take care of me. I am ready to explore and discover new things. I’d love to travel more and it would be much more meaningful if I had the company of someone special.

I cheated and used a few pictures from before my cataract surgeries. I can tell the difference with how much I could open my eyes after that due to dry eye pain. But thankfully, I can open my eyes again!

I cheated and used a few pictures from before my cataract surgeries. I can tell the difference with how much I could open my eyes after that due to dry eye pain. But thankfully, I can open my eyes again!

I decided after a month to change my profile. I was horrified at how many personal things I had shared.

I thought it might be fun to use a service where a professional writer created my profile. This would definitely be interesting. I paid a small fee and was sent a questionnaire.

Below is what I received back. Clearly, this was a very different writing style than mine!

HEADLINE

Life’s too short to not enjoy as much as you can! 

IN MY OWN WORDS

Being a commercial artist allows me a flexible schedule, which gives me time to both sing and compose music. 

I love to try new things, which is part of why I love traveling! I’ve scuba dived and would love to get to Europe and to U.S. National Parks. I’d love to go camping, too! 

I am filled with joy for life and would love someone who shares that feeling. I’d connect best with someone who is kind, comfortable, and intelligent (who isn’t intimidated by an intelligent woman!). 

FAVORITE THINGS

Cooking, taking pictures, 70’s folk music, friends, movies, and time spent outdoors. 

OCCUPATION:

I am a commercial freelance illustrator. My paintings are on many supermarket labels, which is quite fun!

Just for fun, I’m sharing a very old picture. The painting behind me was an album cover illustration assignment. Who knew that 39 years later, I’d actually use it on one of my albums!

Just for fun, I’m sharing a very old picture. The painting behind me was an album cover illustration assignment. Who knew that 39 years later, I’d actually use it on one of my albums!

Not long after I joined, I saw a bunch of messages in my in-box. I quickly learned which ones were scams, because they were all very similar. I actually didn’t realize it at first, but caught on.

The messages went, “I have a good friend and he’s a widower. I shared your profile with him and he would love to meet you. Please call this number.”

Finally, I received a message that seemed real. He complimented me on my smile and asked me a few questions. I looked at his profile picture and he had a warm smile, which I found very attractive.

After sending a few messages back and forth, he suggested we speak on the phone and shared his number. My heart was pounding. This was definitely getting scary. I took a deep breath and sent him a text that evening.

my-path

These paragraphs were notes that I wrote when I was coping with dry eyes. I believe that “being open” has led me to wonderful places on my life’s journey.

These paragraphs were notes that I wrote when I was coping with dry eyes. I believe that “being open” has led me to wonderful places on my life’s journey.

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AS YOU TRAVEL-PART 1

Posted on February 21, 2017 by Judy
This recent picture was taken at the 80th birthday party for my high school choir teacher a few weeks ago.

This recent picture was taken at the 80th birthday party for my high school choir teacher a few weeks ago. The blouse has a hole that is named “a cold shoulder.” This story also carries another example of that!

Link to Song Page for other stories, performance and recordings: SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU.

Last week, I received a notice from WordPress to congratulate me on my seventh anniversary blogging. It was shocking to me. Has it really been seven years? Perhaps it was a lifetime ago when I began to pour out my heart on this blog.

7-year-wordpress-anniv

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt ready to open my heart again. There are a few reasons. While working with my naturopathic doctor, I willingly embarked upon a detox/cleanse that lasted six weeks. It was very tough and I finished it last week. I’m slowly getting my energy back.

Devoting myself to getting healthy has been my focus – especially since my dry eye condition has improved. I’ve emptied myself of toxins and I believe in some ways, I’ve emptied myself of the stress and sadness, which ruled my life for almost two decades.

I’m peaceful, but to be honest – the word “blah” comes to mind. I think being blah is okay, especially after living through the many traumatic things I’ve experienced. But I expect more from life. And that leads me to a very different topic that I’m going to start writing about.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to share a baby picture.

This is a perfect opportunity for me to share a baby picture.

“As You Travel” is a line is from my song “Someone to Love You.” My musical life is deeply intertwined with everything I go through.

I wrote my song for my children. But the twist is that I hear my lyrics being spoken to me!

I’m actually willing to accept the possibility of falling in love again.

as-you-travel

So instead of writing about grief, loss, healing or songwriting – get ready – I’m going to throw out some humorous experiences as I tiptoe into the online dating world!

I’ll start with what triggered my willingness to supplant terror and sign up on an online dating site.

“As you travel to places you’ve never been . . . “

During my trip to Costa Rica, it was fun to taste new fruits. This one is named litchi. I found out later that it’s not actually from that country.

During my trip to Costa Rica, it was fun to taste new fruits. This one is named lychee. I found out later that it’s not actually from that country.

I was in Costa Rica with an old friend whom I actually hadn’t seen in 26 years. My willingness to take an adventure to another country with someone I hadn’t spent time with in decades was courageous and possibly foolish.

I have already written stories about my trip. I shared details of my physical adventures, which were fun and exciting.

I struggled being with my friend. I was confused and unable to share any of it. Now that four months have gone by, I am ready to write about my feelings.

Triggers, triggers, triggers. For me, triggers are land mines – they are situations where feelings erupt far bigger than what is currently happening. Those emotions are rooted in familiar past experiences.

Halfway through my trip, I was triggered.

My friend’s mood abruptly changed and she was clearly upset about something. I didn’t want to think she was upset with me, but I wasn’t sure. I sweetly asked her if she was okay. Without making eye contact, she said she was fine. She would respond to any of my attempts at conversation with one-word answers. I began analyzing every past interaction over the past two days where I might have done something that irritated her.

After a few hours, I worked up my courage and asked, “Did I do something to upset you?”

She replied that she was preoccupied thinking about her job back home. I wanted to accept that, even though the warmth I felt from her at the beginning of our trip was gone. I decided to be a good friend and give her space.

Once her freeze-out started, the remainder of our trip became awkward. Mealtimes were very strange. She wouldn’t respond to anything I said so I stopped engaging her. I watched people talking at the other tables as we ate in silence. I ate my food, excused myself after and then walked back to our room. For the rest of the trip, we never really connected again.

On our excursions, she chatted with other travelers and I did, too. I enjoyed my conversations with a few lovely couples. I found myself thinking, “I deserve to be with someone who talks to me – someone whom I enjoy being with.” One man lavished a lot of attention upon his wife. They both enjoyed telling me anecdotes about exotic trips they had gone on.

All of this triggered me back to how I felt when I was married.

The lack of intimacy, of holding feelings inside, of feeling lonely while being in the same hotel room was all too familiar. Inside my head I was crying, while on the outside I continued to smile.

Even if I had done something that upset my friend – it was unintentional. I was more than willing to apologize, but what could I do if she wouldn’t talk to me?

I suppressed my simmering frustration and tried to make the best of it. My trip was still a wonderful experience and I didn’t want this to dampen it. I saw a beautiful country and had adventures I’d never forget.

After I came home, I wrote a few friendly messages to my friend. She did not reply. If I had any doubt that she was done with me that put it to rest.

I decided to write her a letter expressing how she had hurt me, but then I tore it up. There seemed to be no point in sending it. She wouldn’t reply and probably didn’t care about my feelings anyway.

A month after this trip, I surprised myself. Perhaps the best thing that came from my disappointment was new insight.

I deserved companionship. My willingness to be open to it was huge for me. It was time for me to find the courage to begin a new adventure.

I went to an online dating site and created a profile.

Was I really ready?

my-child-i-have-a-wish

Below is a performance of one of my favorite original songs “How We Don’t Care.” It allowed me to sing my feelings in such a beautiful way not long after my trip.

 

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