MY AMAZING JOURNEY

An example of one of my mazes, in progress.

Currently, I love what I am doing by writing my blog. I am going to pursue publishing my book when I am ready. I am very motivated. I won’t stop until it happens. The reason I am certain my book will be published is because I have so much passion!

It upsets my daughter when I share with her that I am certain I will be successful in publishing my book. I have also told her that I have a good feeling it will bring about a huge change in our lives. She tells me my chances are miniscule, and it is ridiculous for me to assume anything.

Because I am human, I do have occasional, doubtful moments. But I have pursued a few things in my life with success.

I’m excited for my daughter to observe how wonderful it is to follow a dream.

When I was younger, I did not have enough life experience to really connect with other people through writing. When I was younger, I did not have the confidence to pursue any dreams with music.

However, I did pursue my dreams through my art. It started when I was very young. Most everything I have learned, from art, to music, to computers, has been self-taught.

The most difficult thing for me at this juncture in my life was having no creative passion for over twenty years. Initially, I used to contemplate beautiful artwork that I could create for my commercial portfolio. That all stopped when I had my children. I believe my music stopped when I got married.

With my career on autopilot, I was grateful for an income that allowed for flexible hours. That flexibility saved me when I faced immense challenges with my children.

“Drawing from my strength”

My mother told me that when I was in preschool, the teacher came to her and said I had an artistic gift. From that time forward, my parents nurtured it. I didn’t have any expensive lessons or art school. My parents simply provided me with materials and art projects that I enjoyed. I was a consummate paint-by-numbers artist! I remember making the most elaborate “doodle art” poster of fish, which is still on the wall in my old room.

When I was perhaps ten years old, I became such a perfectionist that it became painful for me. I remember I would draw only one line, decide it wasn’t quite right, and then crumple up the piece of paper. I went through many, many reams of paper. At that time, I decided that being an artist was frustrating and wasn’t much fun at all.

Here is an interesting fact about me to share: I’ve always hated drawing. I’m not into freehand sketching at all!

I do love rendering, however. I love color, contrast, and texture.

There was an exception to what I wrote about drawing. The exception came about when I was in Junior High School (That’s what it was called back then). I discovered mazes. I would draw the mazes while I was in class, and whenever I was bored. My mazes were used in the yearbooks at my school. I discovered random patterns to fill up the space. I began by filling up abstract designs with elaborate mazes. Observers said my mazes looked like brains or intestines!

One day, my math teacher was upset about the fact that I was not paying much attention to him. He saw the maze I was drawing. He said to me, “You should have those published!” When I eventually published my maze book, I dedicated the book to him.

I published my maze book, two years after graduating elementary school. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to find my sixth grade teacher to share the book with her. She was certain that I would publish something related to creative writing. Even though my book was more “artistic,” I really wanted to share it with her. However, the school told me she had moved and they had no idea where she went. I do hope to find her someday when this current venture is published.

Description of the Maze Book in a catalog

My mazes began as an exercise to create a “most challenging puzzle.” The puzzle would be for someone else to solve; it required extensive thought as I drew it. I always created the most challenging mazes I could think of. There was a boy at school that I enjoyed frustrating with my mazes. He always worked so hard to solve them. Lest anyone think they could start from the “end” of the maze where it might be simpler, I made sure to make my mazes difficult from either side. I drew my maze from both the beginning and from the end. Then I would connect them.

The reason it is easy for me to explain how I created my mazes, is because my maze book was an educational book. When I was given the opportunity to publish a book of mazes, it was a requirement by the publisher that it be educational. Therefore, at that time I had to analyze and “teach” how to draw a maze!

I gave names to the components of my mazes. It was fun to name those elements. I named them: pinwheels, double pinwheels, tracks, and ladders. I described each component in my book.

COMPONENTS OF A MAZE

DESCRIPTION OF MAZE COMPONENTS

Here is how I draw a maze:

“I start with a single path. That path is one line that follows another. It twists and turns as I fill in the area with a pattern. I will divide the path and create a “fork in the road.” Sometimes, I divided it several times into these forks. There is always one pathway that forges on and does not end. It is almost always the one that looks like it will not go through. It is the pathway that goes the opposite way from reaching the exit! I thought I was very clever in that regard. I would make the forking pathways look certain as one path went in the direction toward solving the puzzle. I would have it go for a while until it would dead-end. Other times, I would have two pathways doing that, and then they would simply meet and eliminate each other – you’d be back where you started!”

As I improved using my self-taught technique, my designs became more elaborate. I learned that using tighter maze tunnels or wider maze tunnels could create tone or shading. Tone and shading is another way of describing the lightness and the darkness within an image. In some cases, it was easily achieved through an image such as a candy cane. It lent itself perfectly, with alternating stripes and a simple shape.

CREATING MAZE TONALITY

In my book, I describe the maze components. I also show the varied pathways to create tone and shading. Here is something that was very interesting to me – I enjoyed puns back then, too! I provided two empty shapes for my “maze students” to fill in by themselves.

The first shape was an empty heart. I wrote, “Have a heart; fill this in!

The second shape was a ghost. I wrote, “Can you give this ghost guts?”

It was such a great experience. One thing I generally don’t enjoy illustrating is people. However, I did my most complicated maze when I illustrated Richard Nixon.

After my book was published, I didn’t create mazes much anymore. I did some pen and ink drawings, but found it too precise. I stopped doing most artwork except for the enjoyable biological renderings that wowed my teachers in high school. I turned all of my attention to music instead of art.

It wasn’t until I discovered watercolors in college, that art became a part of my life again. I decided to become an illustrator when I took two illustration classes while I was an “undecided major” in college. My first, paid illustration assignment was in 1980. It was a class assignment for a medical magazine cover. My illustration was chosen for Cardiovascular/Pulmonary Magazine and I received $400.

My letter to a publisher, returned with their comments.

While I was looking for some of my original mazes to scan, I came across an envelope filled with letters that I received from publishers all across the country. There were at least fifteen letters saved. I am certain that I sent out more. I typed up all those letters myself. I’m certain my dad helped to proofread everything!

I remember that one publisher was very much interested in publishing my mazes. However, when the publisher learned that I was only fourteen years old, the offer was withdrawn.

I didn’t make any significant amount of money from my Maze Book. But it was a great achievement in my life, and I learned a lot of lessons from it. All of those lessons assisted me when I graduated from college and began my illustration career.

The lesson I still have is that with dedication, commitment, and passion, comes success.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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MY MID-LIFE TURNING POINT

This picture was taken only three years ago. My parents’ health changed very quickly in a short time. My mother’s illness has affected my father greatly.

Since my fiftieth birthday last October, I have experienced many changes in my life. I have wondered if I should consider what I’m going through a “midlife crisis.” Well, the word crisis conjured up a lot of negative images for me.

I looked up the definition of “crisis.” One definition of crisis, which sounded a whole lot better was “turning point.” Therefore, I have decided that what I am experiencing is a “Midlife Turning Point!”

This picture was taken only three years ago. My parents’ health changed very quickly in a short time. My mother’s illness has affected my father greatly.

 Opening Up

Today was not an easy day. Today was very stressful for me. This afternoon, I decided I must go swim some laps. The weather has warmed up, and swimming has been very helpful for me. I may have a sandwich list, but I have learned that I must put myself on the list.

After swimming, I attended my first voice lesson in thirty years!

The lovely instructor’s name is Peaches! Peaches taught voice lessons to my youngest son about a year ago. I told her that I was taking lessons because my son insisted I contact her.

I played one of my original songs for Peaches. Peaches told me that she has coached many well-known professional singers. She has a website and she has written her own original songs. When I have time, I will listen to her music. Perhaps I will share that on my blog later on.

The half-hour lesson flew by. Here were some of the many, interesting things she told me today:

When you are older, your voice has not deteriorated. It’s just that you can no longer get away with bad habits.

It is very common to dislike your voice when it is recorded.

Your vocal problems related to your throat being tight are from “stress” while singing. Singing should be totally relaxed and open. It should be even, without unintentional changes in volume.

Achieving openness can easily be learned, no matter how old you are. You must be relaxed. When you do it correctly, you will feel the difference. Looking in the mirror and feeling your throat while you are singing can be helpful.

Your range is great, and you can learn quickly if you are motivated. You can sing and record your own songs and share them! Other people may sing your songs, but both are exciting ventures. I have had this same experience.

Stress affects everything. When we yell, we ruin our voice. When we hold in our feelings and tears, it affects our voice. “Holding tears in” is detrimental, while crying is actually better for our voice!

You can unlearn any old habits you may have. I have helped a lot of people and I can help you.

My voice lesson was inspiring. It was not about singing at all. It was about having hopefulness I could be improve my singing with effort and motivation. Finding the time and energy won’t be easy for me. But I am certainly filled with motivation.

Recently, I have also taken some tennis lessons. There is a lot of similarity there to what I’ve written about voice lessons. I am re-learning and releasing many old habits.

The revelation is that recently I have been doing that in all areas of my life, as well. I wonder why I waited until I was fifty years old for this “turning point” of discovering I could improve myself?

 “Another Turning Point”

In the evening, I called my mother and finally reached her. She was very quiet on the phone. I figured it was because she was concerned about me. I regretted I had shared with her how stressed out I was this morning.

She said, “Today was very difficult for me. Things have been very hard. My back has been hurting. I have been forced to sit in my wheelchair waiting and waiting. The nurses have told me that I’m not allowed to be alone in my room. I might fall if I’m alone. Therefore, I have been left waiting in the lobby for two hours at a stretch.”

My mother insisted she didn’t want me to remedy her current situation. She has become a worrier. She hates to bother anyone. She also hates being dependent on other people.

I tried not to get angry. I could feel my throat tightening up. I thought of what the Peaches had told me.

“Mom, I promise you – I’ll call someone and take care of this.”

She said, “Please, don’t! I know they’re just worried I might fall again!”

I decided to change the subject. I told her I had gotten some new bras for her. I told her I also had a new purse for her and a lot of new things to read. I told her I would take her out to dinner again this Sunday.

She began to cry.

I began to feel more desperate. Now what could I tell her?

I told her, “Mom, I sent out a heartfelt letter today. In it, I share how upsetting this situation has been with you and dad separated! I am hoping this letter is going to help your situation! I am even going to talk to the director in person!”

She was still crying. She could not stop.

I continued, “Oh, and by the way, Dad is going to visit you tomorrow! I arranged for him to be driven by your granddaughter! He will stay for dinner and she’ll take him back later in the evening!”

When I got off the phone, I did not feel like Super Daughter.

That was because I was crying, too. 

My mom helping me sell my maze book (behind us). We were always close.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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LISTS, LISTING, AND LISTLESS

I love butterflies! This is my new gravatar image; I had no idea what a gravatar was until recently. I used to hate computers.

Finding humor once again”

Currently, it has been a great effort for me to find any humor in my circumstances. I have so much to do, but here I am writing again. Perhaps if I release some of my worries by writing lists, it will be easier for me to be funny.

I wrote this title based on Lists – which allow me to organize my caregiving life, Listing – meaning I’m off balance, and Listless – the way I feel today after hearing so many complaints that I’m not fixing food for my family.

Bad List:

I need to find the filter again to stop saying those bad words. I said the “F” word last night when my husband and older teenagers were picking on me!

Medication List for our family:

Too numerous to mention.

Vitamin list for this mom:

At least ten supplements. Thank goodness for Costco. Plus, I illustrated all their vitamins, so it’s a tax deduction! I swallow them all at once; it’s quite a mouthful! I’m proud of that talent I have.

Is anyone feeling sorry for our cat? She was named Angel for a reason!

Mom’s reminder list of what not to do with our puppy named Killer:

1. Do not take him out in the front yard without a leash.

2. If you forget #1, be sure you are wearing a bra. When chasing a dog, there is a lot of bouncing going on.

3. Do not give Killer turkey. If you forget #3, you will have a lot of cleaning to do. Also, if you forget #3, be prepared to have “begging claws” inserted into your thighs and crotch!

4. Do not pick up his poop with your bare hand thinking it’s a chew toy.

5. Do not throw Killer off with the bedspread upon waking up.

6. Be prepared for a wet bedspread.

7. When closing doors, make sure not to sideways “guillotine” Killer.

8. Expect to need hearing aids in a few years if you have the parrot near this dog.

9. Do not allow Killer to lick my youngest son’s nostrils.

List of written accomplishments today:

1. Three commendation letters regarding excellent care and attention given to my mother at her nursing facility

2. I wrote another pleading and begging letter to the same facility – PLEASE, REUNITE MY PARENTS!

3. I posted forty pages of writing in only two days.

Anticipated Stress List:

1. Three illustrations to complete, which I’ve procrastinated on

2. Upcoming orthodontia and glasses for one of my children. Oh my god, I have oodles of appointments ahead of me!

Good List:

1. My wonderful oldest son took his grandfather and his car to pass a smog test. It passed!

2. I’m not as fat as I used to be.

3. I’m starting voice lessons this week, either tomorrow or Friday.

4. My daughter helped our housekeeper, Rosa, by vacuuming a small area of carpet. In return, Rosa helped put black hair dye on for her.

5. I can laugh at most everything once again.

6. Compared to how I felt last night, I am amazed that I could even write a good list! 

I never dreamed I’d be writing the way I am now. I have to pinch myself!

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS IN MY LIFE – PART 1

Jason was so happy wearing a crown to celebrate his fifth birthday in his preschool class. It was his last.

“The writer inside me”

The writer inside me is actually a spigot to my inner soul. My persona, thoughts, and feelings are released through my words. While I write, I am not alone. I am sharing myself with other humans who are reading my words.

My brain’s hard drive has been filling up with memories through the years, and it is running out of space. Each time I write something meaningful to me, I have burned a “memory disk.” I can delete something and create more space in my brain. I am hoping this will allow me to have more working memory!

Recently, it occurred to me that metaphors have always been a part of my life. They have been especially useful with my writing.

There seems so be so many interesting coincidences in my life. While looking through cassettes of my original songs, I came across two, special tapes that were entitled: “Jason’s funeral,” and “Jason’s Unveiling.” I knew I did not want to listen to the funeral tape.

However, I remembered that I had made a tape for the unveiling of his gravestone a year later. I had re-written several of my songs and recorded them on that tape. I played it looking to find recorded versions of my original songs.

I didn’t realize there was more on that tape.

It was shocking for me. I had recorded snippets of Jason’s voice and my interactions with him. Without any expectation of hearing Jason’s voice, I played that tape. My heart came into my throat.

This was a voice that had long ago been extinguished. He had died eighteen years ago when he was only five years old.

As his voice chirped with singsong breathlessness, it spun me into heartbreaking anguish.

It was hard for me to understand what he was saying. He was out of breath, probably due to his cardiac condition. Still, I remembered every word. As I listened, I thought about how he would have had a deep voice if he had lived. He would have been twenty-three-years-old this year.

I remember I had originally made this recording with Jason because I was going to be gone for an evening. He could listen to our dialog and not miss me as much. The tape would remind him much he was loved.

After our dialog, I played my guitar and sang him a special, loving song. As I sang that song for him, he made an audible sweet, sigh. He loved that song.

It was comforting that he was surrounded by so much love in his short life.

The most amazing thing was that I was blown away. I had used such lovely metaphors with Jason!

Here was our exchange:

ME: Mommy is with Jason tonight, and I know Jason would like to hear my voice because he’s been missing me. But first, he has to come over here so I can tell him something. Come over here, Mr. Jason! Jason, I love you more than any thing in the whole, wide world. I love you more than all the carpet fibers in our house. How much do you love me?

JASON: I love her more than all the cities.

ME: I love you more than all the grains of sand in the shoes that you dump out in the house. Come here, Jason.

JASON: You know how much I love you? I love you more than all the hair in peoples’ heads!

ME: Oh, that’s a lot of hair!

Clicking the blue link below plays audio:

AUDIO OF JASON & METAPHORS – RECORDED IN 1991

Later that morning I entered Connie’s guesthouse for our hypnotherapy appointment. I was filled with sadness so it was a good time for me to be there. One of my favorite hypnotherapy concepts was, “Thoughts equal feelings.” Controlling my thoughts had a direct affect upon my mood. I often wrestled with the idea that I had the ability to control my thoughts. I always attempted to find thoughts that were helpful for me, rather than those filled with worry and doubt.

Connie could tell my mood was very serious. I shared with her about the anguish of listening to Jason’s voice. I had started having thoughts that I might become the person I was before – the walking zombie. I also ached from delving back into my grief, and there was still so much there. What was so great about getting my grief up and out? I said softly, “I’ve found my tears again, but how is that helpful for me? My son died eighteen years ago and I am still grieving. How can that be helpful for other people to hear? I feel like I shouldn’t even complain, there is so much worse grief around me!”

Connie mentioned to me that it has generally been unanimously expressed; the death of a child was one of the hardest blows for most humans to recover from. At that moment, I decided that even if a few people related to me; I would continue to write and share about grief. It would follow me for the rest of my life. I knew it would and that was a huge part of my sadness about my son’s death.

When it was time for hypnosis I was still confused about many of the things we had talked about, however I no longer felt sad or doubtful. I drifted off quite easily into the calmness of hypnosis. It was possible that I was even asleep. I heard her voice, but it was very, far away.  I listened carefully and I heard her say, “You’ve told me that you love to use metaphors. Can you find a metaphor or an image to describe how you see your life?

I couldn’t at that moment. I was inside of a cave. It was very dark. I spoke slowly and said, “I have no idea what words to use. I am in a dark, dark cave. I have no idea how I can write about where my life is going right now. It looks depressing with my parents aging.” I was very relaxed in that dark place as I waited for an image to come to me. Suddenly, there was a burst of light! It was blinding to go from darkness into a white sky. It was freezing and the sky was filled with clouds. I was on a hang glider high above a panoramic vista. I was soaring at record speed, but it was not exhilarating because I was terrified.

“Okay, the metaphors are coming to me . . . I’m flying a hang glider, but I can’t appreciate any of the beauty around me! I’m terrified, because I don’t even know how I came to be on this glider. I have no memories at all; I’m a glider pilot with zero experience. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or where I’m going. I don’t even know how I will land this thing, since I’ve never flown one. I might crash!”

The images continued. I told her that gradually I conquered my fear and began to pilot the glider. Despite my extreme terror I even managed to land it. Although it was difficult, I survived. When I celebrated my survival, I realized that the beautiful views I thought I had missed were clearly in my memory after all!

I told Connie the thing that I noticed most was that I was alone. I said to her, “Even with the accomplishment of learning to fly, I felt so lonely on that hang glider. But, then I remembered something. Even though I was alone up there and trying to figure out how to fly, I saw all these other gliders flying around me. I had to be careful not to crash into anyone! You know what, a whole bunch of those gliders started following me. I became their leader! They landed behind me!”

I bemoaned to her, “Why do I see myself as their leader? I wish someone could have led me to safety when I was so terrified.” Connie was thoughtful and then she said, “Could you add two words to your statement? Add the words: I wonder.”

I pondered the two words, “I wonder.” It certainly sounded more upbeat to say, “I wonder why I see myself as a leader.“ I told her that the word wonder held two meanings for me. One meaning was that of questioning. Then there was the meaning of wonder as in awe. I said, “You know the word wonderful, means full of awe and wonder!” I decided to name the story about my experience, “The Wonderful Metaphors in my life.” My metaphor of flying on a hang glider represented how I felt navigating through life. 

“I was never alone”

After seeing Connie, I also felt wonderful again. I walked to my car. The sky was filled with clouds; almost the same way it had been when I imagined I was on that glider. I looked up into the many shades of white and gray. As I examined the overlapping clouds, another vision came over me.

I was once again back flying on that glider and desperately trying to figure out how to fly it instead of crashing. I was alone. Actually, I had thought I was alone. Suddenly, I had a revelation so huge that tears filled my eyes. It came to me.

In my vision, I glanced behind me because I had thought I heard a rustle of wings. I turned around to see an angel! There was my freckle-faced five-year-old son, Jason. He was smiling. He was comforting. He was there to help me.

I was never alone

He’s always with me.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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