I haven’t had the desire to write. I’m certain it has something to do with our current situation of shelter in place.
My daughter was very sick in early March. I believe she had the virus and I haven’t seen her in almost two months. It was a huge worry with her fever, horrible cough and lung congestion. My good friend, Dr. Sam Fink saved the day once again by giving us advice and prescribing her an antibiotic. Sam actually sent me a message on March 2nd warning me about the virus. He has been interviewed many times on the news and I’m so proud of him!
I am immensely grateful to be healthy. I had a terrible respiratory virus back in December that left me with a residual cough. I am still not singing much and the thought of becoming infected with the corona virus is concerning. I’ve worked hard to dispel my worry and continue to focus on my other endeavors.
One enormous project I’ve been working on is recording my second Insight Timer Course, which I’ve named “Songs of Healing and Hope.” There are ten lessons and I have almost finished recorded all of them. I have piano meditations associated with my course, which I’m still working on. Under the “Recent Music” drop down, I share some of those clips.
I have also released guitar and piano/guitar tracks associated with this course on Insight Timer. The links for those are:
In some ways, my life feels like a continuum of my broken ankle recovery. My schedule revolves around meals, naps and computer time. But my current situation is so much better because I am able to walk. I go outside every day for a stroll and am adjusting to wearing a mask now.
I wrote my last story about “Healing Song” (HEALING SONG-PART 2) in December of 2018. On that blog post, I had shared about my oldest son. Since then, he has continued his amazing trajectory that culminated with him purchasing a home in Las Vegas. Back in February, we had fun looking at homes – I had no idea it would actually turn into a purchase so quickly. He had hoped I would come during his move, but unfortunately it wasn’t the best timing. I’ll look forward to seeing his new house when this is over.
I was having issues with my guitar back then, and I’m happy to say that I picked up my guitar after a two-week repair only days before the isolation began. It sounds wonderful and my new luthier did an incredible job. I was excited to record my guitar on my patio for this post.
My music continues to heal me.
It was a big deal for me to play out on my patio and share my performance. I even put on a little makeup and wore nicer clothes. My hair is already pretty shaggy and it’s all part of the experience.
Of greater concern is all the weight I am gaining from this fairly sedentary and food-focused life style. But I know I’m not alone and for now – I’m going to take each day as it comes.
So glad I could open up to share!
Link to other stories and recordings: HEALING SONG
This link goes to a song story page with lyrics, performances, stories and other recordings for my song: SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU
I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit that I’ve been struggling since breaking my ankle this past summer.
Although it might have seemed ideal to write a song while I was recovering, my creative energy wasn’t there. I understand that better now since joining an ankle support group online. Many people wrote about their brain fog and exhaustion while healing; it was very common and expecting more was unrealistic.
The ordeal of being totally sedentary and home bound for three months is over, yet the feelings around it continue to cloud over me. I have many things to celebrate, but sometimes I feel depressed.
I last wrote after visiting my oldest son for the Thanksgiving holiday. Since then, I caught a chest cold twice and it left me with an annoying cough. This definitely had me dragging.
Recently, someone asked me how I was – outside of my “maladies.” Initially, that was actually a tough question for me to answer. I wasn’t feeling too great. But then the answer came: I was doing great because my children were doing so well. They were all growing in wonderful ways.
Almost everything I do besides music, relates to them. Even though they are adults, they are deeply integral to my life. I believe that losing my first-born child has given me an even deeper appreciation for my living children. I consider all three of them to be miracles.
My youngest son lives with me and we are very close (I respect his privacy and can’t share anything about him).
My oldest son lives in Las Vegas and is a first grade teacher. We speak almost every day. I am leaving tomorrow to visit him again. The first night I’m there, he told me he is thrilled that I can keep him company while he finishes getting grading done. I’m glad I can be supportive and look forward to making him his favorite egg salad.
Currently, my 26-year-old daughter lives about 30 minutes away from where I am. She always calls me when she finishes work and is walking to her car at night. We usually see each other once a week.
This post is about my song “Someone to Love You,” which expresses the deep love I have for my children.
I composed my song five years ago. Recently, when I was listening to an older recording, the beautiful chords felt very rushed. I decided my song would benefit from a slower tempo so the guitar finger picking could be appreciated. It was time for me to pull out my guitar mics.
Even though I was hacking with my cough while playing, the slower pace was lovely. After a coughing fit, I just continued recording. The important part was to stay in the same position when I started up again.
When I finished editing the lower guitar tracks, I recorded another, higher guitar part. Then I asked my piano arranger to add something, although my older piano version was also sweet. I loved them both and had two versions for my new arrangement.
Now it was time for me to sing again, despite my cough. I recorded vocals and it was healing for me. Below, I share some other instrumental versions of my song that I will eventually share on Insight Timer.
Finding the blessings in my life isn’t hard when I look for them. My children are my treasures and I celebrate how they are all thriving. I went through so many struggles with them while they were growing up. Now I am reaping amazing rewards.
In only a few months, my daughter is moving away to another state. Our visits now have a sense of poignancy that signal change is coming. Although I will certainly visit her, we won’t be hanging out weekly as we have been doing.
Both of us are feeling sadness about it, although I am very excited for her courage. She is willing to face the unknown, to travel out of state to Colorado and start a new life there with her boyfriend. Her joy at having a loving partner is beautiful to behold and exactly what my song wishes for.
Our relationship has changed so much in the past two years. I am better able to express myself to her and we have discussed our past conflicts to gain understanding. She is very loving and kind.
When I broke my ankle, she was traumatized by the experience and recently was able to overcome her own fear about hiking in the same area where I fell. When I have another surgery this summer, I will miss having her there with me.
Recently, we had an especially lovely visit – we had taken a nice walk, gone to a nearby café and watched a movie at her apartment. It was late and after hugging goodbye, I got into my car to drive home.
“Someone To Love You” began playing and tears filled my eyes. It was the perfect song for me to hear at that moment.
Life becomes a fairy tale when I allow my music to penetrate. I shared the picture of myself as a young girl for that reason. My eyes are shining with excitement for life and innocence. There is so much for me to discover.
My song reminds me that I am still that child inside. The melody embodies my wonderment and passion. My parents in heaven are speaking to me and I can feel their love.
Perhaps it wasn’t about finding someone to love me, after all. I could be sad because enduring love wasn’t in the cards for me romantically. However, I found love in many other ways.
Beyond the love I have for my children, I am practicing self-love. My devotion to following my passion is a gift I have given myself.
My insights help me overcome sadness over the physical issues I’ve been dealing with. Once my daughter is settled in Colorado, I can’t wait to visit her and explore the gorgeous outdoors. Just like my song lyrics, I look forward to traveling to places I’ve never been.
Despite some tough setbacks, I am overjoyed that my songs and words have comforted and touched so many people.
Last week, I recorded lovely guitar accompaniment to a solo piano track for my newest meditation version of “Farewell.” It took many hours (I recorded 20 takes of ten minutes each), but my song gives me incredible joy.
My oldest son helped me create a new YouTube channel for my meditation music. Below is a segment from my new version of “Farewell Meditation Song.”
I felt nervous about traveling alone since breaking my ankle. But I went ahead and cautiously planned a trip during the week of Thanksgiving to visit my oldest son. Because I had two suitcases and a guitar, I decided it would probably be safest to ask the airline for help. Once again, I sat in a wheelchair with thankfulness that this was temporary.
I closed my eyes during take off. As the plane roared into the sky, I could feel tears squeezing my eyeballs. They pushed through my shuttered eyelids.
For the three months that I was “non-weight-bearing” (a term used during recovery from a broken ankle), traveling seemed very far away. But here I was, leaving the comforts of home and seeing my son after four months apart. I felt like a prisoner released from jail and couldn’t believe I was free. As tears continued rolling down my neck, I acknowledged that they were happy tears. This Thanksgiving definitely held more thankfulness than I’d ever had in a long time.
I looked forward to seeing my son. This was his second year teaching first grade. His achievement was huge and my heart swelled with so much pride that I felt like I would burst. My emotion overflowed – I was definitely very close to my heart now. “Close To My Heart” sounded like a nice title for a new song.
Shortly before this trip, I had sought out another opinion for my ankle. I wanted to have my hardware removed and my surgeon told me I needed to wait a year. In my support group, many people had theirs out sooner.
A new friend from an online ankle fracture support group was having hers out today, in fact. Her accident was two weeks after mine. I was eager to see how it would go for Missie, who was an avid tennis player like me. Too bad she lived in Virginia because it would have been wonderful to play with her.
I brought to my appointment several x-rays taken by the hospital. The doctor was very nice and answered a lot of my questions.
I received his report a few days later. He referred to me as a “well-nourished female.” Oh, well. At least he didn’t write fat. Certainly, the ordeal of being sedentary and depressed did nothing to help my weight.
This doctor recommended I wait a year or more to remove the hardware. But what stuck out for me was something that my other doctor had never mentioned. I had an avulsion fracture on the other side of my ankle. It was exactly where my pain was located. I looked it up and this is what I found:
Avulsion fractures happen when a small piece of bone breaks off the site of the main fracture, sometimes affecting the ligament located near the break. They can be very painful, and can cause a lot of pain and discomfort years after the initial injury.
I contacted my surgeon and he confirmed that I indeed had one, but said it was “very small and unlikely to be a source of my pain.”
Yet I had gone through so much pain since being allowed to walk again. I was angry that it was never mentioned to me, despite showing up on every x-ray. Thankfully, I was able to put this ordeal behind me, because since having a cortisone shot my pain had ebbed away.
My former high school boyfriend, Dr. Sam Fink, has been such a wonderful friend. We both reconnected through my blogging in 2010. He helped me with this referral.
It was wonderful seeing my son. We both hugged each other tightly and his apartment felt cozy. He had decorated it since I was there last and was excited for me to try out his new couch.
I really enjoyed our time together. He had so much more confidence in his teaching abilities. He enthusiastically regaled me with classroom anecdotes. I was deeply relieved because I had been so worried about him.
His grandfather was a consummate teacher and would have been so proud. I wondered if my father had known this would happen, when he took his challenging grandson under his wing and guided him. My father died before he could know what a difference he had made, especially influencing his grandson’s career choice. Sometimes, I heard my father speaking to me, praising me for supporting my son the way I did. I felt so close to my heart at those times and would whisper sweet words back to him.
Our week together flew by. On Thanksgiving Day, we ordered Indian Food delivered. My son is vegetarian and it was fun tasting so many interesting dishes. This was a Thanksgiving I’d always remember.
Every day, I pulled out my guitar to work on my newest meditation idea. I practiced a guitar counterpoint with a lovely piano track. Trying to find the best chords and fingerings kept me busy. But I loved the music and it really touched my heart. I usually recorded guitar first and then added piano notes later on. This approach for my meditation song “Farewell” was reverse.
On my last day, my son shared with me a beautiful message he just received. The mother of one of his students wrote that she was so thankful my son was her daughter’s teacher. She explained that the year before her daughter hated going to school, but now she was excited to go to his class every day. I was overjoyed for him to hear this. He wrote back a thoughtful message and I could tell he appreciated her words.
Throughout my week, the biggest standout was that I could walk again without pain and for much longer distances. On my day of departure, I decided I didn’t need airport assistance. I checked in my bags and walked through the airport with my guitar on my back.
These lyrics from my song “Watching You Grow” really resonate with me at the moment.
It was three days after I came home, when I pulled my tennis bag out of my closet. There was an evening beginner’s workshop at a nearby tennis center. I felt ready.
The biggest irony was that I wore the same old tennis shoes I had fallen in while hiking. Unfortunately, my new court shoes didn’t fit. I had bought them a week before my accident and now they were too tight.
I took a deep breath while standing on the court in the cold night air. It felt amazing, though I did have trouble seeing. I needed a new prescription for my contact lenses and made a mental note to take care of that soon, as well as buy new court shoes.
Despite my vision, I was able to hit a few good shots. Sprinting was scary, and I let short balls bounce without running to them. I wasn’t used to being on my feet for two hours and sunk into my car with total exhaustion afterwards. I missed the energy I used to have. The word patience continued to echo through me. I looked forward to eventually joining my doubles group again that I’ve played with regularly for over 15 years.
My blessings overwhelm me. I find myself whispering this: Thank you, God, for my wonderful children – for my beautiful music and songs – for my continued healing. Despite having an avulsion fracture on top of my broken fibula – I am going to be okay.
This is my song cover for “Farewell Piano & Guitar Duet,” soon to be released on Insight Timer.
I’ve have struggled with depression since July.
But now I am re-framing my experience into something that led to growth, expanded my heart, and deepened appreciation for my freedom.
I’m going to share some other attachments below related to what has been going on in my life.
Receiving positive messages continue to inspire me as I follow my dream.
Last month, I released a vocal track on Insight Timer. It took courage because I knew people far preferred my instrumentals for meditation. When I received a critical message, I replied in an honest way.
When I received the message below about the same vocal track, it confirmed exactly why I wrote my response to Bob.
Lucia is now a new friend of mine in Ireland!
Moving on from Insight Timer messages, I want to share more about my Ankle Fracture Support Group on Facebook. The sharing of information, support and understanding has been amazing to behold. Below are message from that group.
It seems that Mary’s x-ray also deserved a closer look when she found out later that she had an avulsion. I wrote a response that recommended she try a cortisone shot before having surgery – or at least to get a second opinion.
This message is sad. But so many people wrote to Lisa to reassure her that she would be okay (and to find a new surgeon). I understand what she wrote, especially about putting on weight.
My new friend, Missie, had her hardware out today! She is doing very well and I share her posts.
My x-ray.
I end my post by sharing a picture taken with my beautiful daughter earlier this year.
My post title is a lyric line from my song “In The Past.”
The full line is: “Pain that made me cry, gave me wings to fly”
Link to other recordings and stories about this song:IN THE PAST
I will forever treasure this picture from my 60th birthday party last month.
I couldn’t believe it was already fall. After spending the entire summer in a wheelchair, (three months of NWB, an acronym for non-weight bearing), I was finally able to walk again.
Over a month’s time, I slowly improved. I could handle longer distances and my balance was better. But pain continued to plague me. It seeped into my heart and forced tears from my eyes with every stabbing sensation. I was clearly struggling because I could hardly carry on a simple conversation without crying. And I had a lot of trouble singing, too.
My physical therapy appointments were excruciating and the exercises wore me out. I made progress with more flexibility, which was encouraging. I had one appointment every week for two months.
I had one last appointment with the orthopedic department. I was told that I was graduating because my fracture had healed on the x-ray. When I mentioned my intense pain, I was told it was “normal.” The doctor gave me a referral to a podiatrist; perhaps I had another foot issue unrelated to my ankle surgery. He also said I could have developed a pain disorder due to my extreme sensitivity. “Like Paula Abdul,” he said, “It happens with injuries sometimes.”
Occasionally, I listened to my own grief course. It was strange – even though it was my own voice speaking, it sounded like someone else. I let my own advice drill into me, and amazingly one of my suggestions set off a light bulb. I had recommended finding support groups with other people going through the same thing.
I looked online and discovered there were ankle fracture recovery groups! I signed up for one and it was mind blowing. People were all sharing their fracture experiences with pictures, information and questions. When a woman wrote about taking her first shower on her own, the supportive messages made me want to cry. I remembered when I did that!
There were plenty of posts where people wondered how long the pain would last. I scrolled down and there was a post that really knocked me over. Under a photo of a tennis court, a woman wrote: “Played tennis for the first time since my accident in July.”
My accident was on July 1st. I was so happy for her!
We began corresponding and her name was Missie. She lived across the country from me, but we wrote back and forth about the trauma we had gone through, as well as our love for tennis. Missie had fallen down the stairs backwards. She was scheduled to have her hardware removed in a month because her doctor told her, “Missie, let’s go in and take the hardware out so you can get on with your life and not have to pay another big deductible next year.”
I had already begun deciding to plan ahead for the surgery to remove my hardware. The metal plate and screws were not welcome in my body anymore and I could feel them all the time. From what I read, the removal alleviated pain for many people. It improved mobility and also prevented possible arthritis later on.
Missie was my new friend and I was eager to hear how it would go for her. All of this new support was definitely helping me. I was so isolated all summer and I wished I had found this site sooner.
There was a bright spot during all of this. I had an amazing 60th birthday party.
I had dreaded turning 60; with no idea how I could celebrate the way I was feeling. One day, my close friend Janis came to visit and bring lunch. I mentioned my upcoming milestone birthday and how sad I was thinking about it. When she offered to host a party for me at her home, it seemed like such a lovely idea.
I decided to invite only my closest girlfriends – this way it would be very intimate. As the party day came closer, I wished I felt better. My eyes were still faucets and I was easily exhausted.
My party was unforgettable. The love in the room swirled around and inside of me as I savored every moment. I’m going to share an extremely heartfelt and vulnerable video clip at the end of this post.
I’m so thankful for my dear friend, Janis, who hosted my party.
Last week, my appointment with the podiatrist arrived. I didn’t know what to expect, but I was sure I would be crying. The doctor was a lovely young woman and sure enough my tears began falling when she asked me how I was.
She gently explained to me that it was only five weeks since I had started walking. It was still very early in my healing and recovery. She said that it would definitely get better, but it was a very slow process and pain was to be expected.
We discussed whether a cortisone shot might help me. I had benefited from one once before when I had tennis elbow. She said it was certainly worth trying.
She gently injected the large needle into my ankle in two places. I couldn’t stifle crying out from the pain. She said, “I feel a lot of scar tissue in there and hopefully this will loosen it up. You’ll be sore for a day or two, but might see some benefit after that.”
I promised her I’d let her know.
The following day, I was very sore, but gradually my pain began to lift.
It was unbelievable! Suddenly, I could walk normally. I went for a walk and my tears were happy ones.
I couldn’t wait to tell Missie and share my good news with my new support group. And of course, send a message to the podiatrist to let her know what a difference our appointment had made.
As I walked, there were no words to describe my elation. I kept imagining all the things I would be able to do again without pain.
Link to other stories and recordings: HEALING SONG
myjourneysinsight 