myjourneysinsight

WHAT WE HAD IS STILL SPECIAL TO ME

Posted on October 26, 2010 by Judy

I attended two proms with Sam. We were two years apart in age. This picture is when he attended my senior prom. He was an old, college student at that time.

Link to lyrics, more stories and recordings for YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.

My “life’s musical” began in high school. It ended the day of my wedding.

Since February of this year, my “Journey’s Insight” has unfolded. I navigated through all of my trauma, which had gradually layered over me for the last thirty years. The zombie-like state and resulting scar tissue had me feeling old and certain that there was little left in my life to look forward to.

With each story, I’ve released my sadness. I found clarity and insight as my memories came “up and out.”

At this moment, life is very poignant. My day is filled with the excitement my music and writing has brought me. My present life is confusing, as memories of my youth are flooding through me. I’ve tried to absorb the onslaught of feelings, but to be honest it has been somewhat overwhelming.

My former boyfriend, Sam, who recently reconnected with me had no idea I was a songwriter. I found that fascinating, since I wrote a lot of songs during the time period I was dating him.

Here is a link to the first song I ever wrote and his comment: #137 YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

Tonight, a memory came back to me. I was sitting with him in a parked car. It was dark; my teeth were chattering. That happened whenever I was frightened. We were on the subject of death. I was amazed that he was so matter-a-fact.

He said, “We live and achieve immortality through our contributions to this world and through our children.”

I remember thinking, “Wow, is he mature!”

After that, I probably broke up with him for the umpteenth time. He usually set a date in the future for us to meet and see if I’d grown up a bit while we were apart. He was such a great guy, so I’d agree because I thought maybe I would grow up and appreciate him more in a few months.

I would like to share now how it feels to flash forward so many years and memories later. On this post, I am sharing some of our correspondence. I’ve edited out personal information about his family, so that might explain why it might seem one-sided on my part. The post title is from my song’s lyrics, “You’re Not the One,” which was written for Sam.

Sam and I had a lot of catching up to do.

Suddenly, I feel like I’ve just gained a wonderful friend, whom I am very comfortable with – how fortunate to find a friend like that in an instant!

CORRESPONDENCE:

(His writing is in blue)

On Oct 24, 2010, Sam wrote:

Judy,

Hope that your performance went well!

I liked your last post, and the difference between caring and responsibility…totally agree. Even when we are responsible, there is still only so much that we can do…after you have given 110%, what else is there? And no question that thoughts, and our perception on an event can totally affect our moods…so being careful about phrasing things for ourselves is really as important as how we phrase them for others.

Loved the story about losing the car key…I had the same thing happen to me one night…and the problem I had was that the car is a push-button ignition…so if the key vanishes somewhere in the car, then you can’t lock it…and if someone wants to drive it off, all they have to do is push the button, not find the key! Going through a process of elimination, and removing things one by one from my car, (and then seeing if the car would start)…it finally turned out that the key had slipped under the false bottom of my gym bag. So much fun getting older and completely wasting an hour of time!

The computer tells me that it is now 2:15am, so I will quit being incoherent and go to sleep! . . . Sam

Judy wrote:

Hi Sam,

This week has been a busy writing week for me! Including our emails.

It sounds like you’re actually reading my blog in order. Wow! When I started writing in February, I had no idea where I was going with everything. I knew it was special, though. A cannot believe how many hits I’ve had, but it really doesn’t tell me how many people actually read it “regularly.”

A friend was suggesting I start “charging” for music downloads. I think as broke as we are, I have a lot of faith that I will be going somewhere with all of this (although if I don’t, it doesn’t matter.) I consider myself in the discovery phase. I am improving, learning, and really sharing to help other people. At some point, I might promote this as an “E book,” (imagine music, art, and writing all in one); I probably need an agent!

But the writing part, which was so compelling for me initially, has taken a backseat to the music.

It’s going to take you awhile if you’re starting from the beginning. Then you’ll actually be completely caught up about my life since I knew you. One thing is for sure; I still love puns!

Somewhere in there, I stole yours (but I did give you credit). Remember the ones in the “branching” out classes category? That would be “geomatree and twig.”

You said my parents were nice to you. Do you remember this? You were really upset when they wouldn’t let me see an “R” movie – it was “Lenny!” I’ll never forget that!

I loved my title when losing the key – IGNITION IMPOSSIBLE. The worst part was having my husband come to rescue me in traffic to Santa Monica after working all day. Now he drives the nice CRV, while my Toyota Previa is falling apart (193,000 miles) – that is how I show my love!

On a side note, I share my invoices on my art blog – my paintings were lucrative for years, however, all our money was spent on childcare. I used to require two housekeepers in order to work. Also, advocacy has been very expensive.

When I saw your message, I thought you were responding to my post from last night. It was something I shared that was very traumatic for me and personal. I am actually amazed that I shared it. However, I think it was very important for me on “this journey” to share all the areas that will help me heal. Knowing you are reading what I’ve written isn’t “creepy,” because all of your words are honest, sensitive, and caring. Even on this last subject, which I know you’ll find interesting.

It’s been difficult having so many challenges to my marriage; so many marriages cannot withstand the loss of a child, or children with special needs. I am amazed that I’ve stayed married, but it hasn’t been easy. My husband is a very good person and devoted to his family. I think part of my journey is working toward improving things. He has been extremely supportive about what I’ve doing – for which I am grateful.

Judy

Sam wrote:

Hi Judy,

Yes, I have been keeping up with your blog, and then reading things in order from the beginning…I’d like to have some perspective on the posts.

If you ever put out a CD, I will be first in line to buy one! I know that sometimes when I have seen performers at a coffee-house or restaurant, that they often have CDs for sale…now that you are generating professional quality songs, do you see yourself selling CDs at your appearances? Maybe Border’s would give you a section and help you to sell them as well?

Yes, I still love puns…my wife just rolls her eyes and says she doesn’t get my sense of humor, but my daughter loves them (Friday night dinner, someone asks me if there is any medical benefit to yoga…my answer…”Well, it’s a stretch!”…nope, haven’t changed much!) We also have a conure…most annoying bird I have ever heard…and I’m usually the one who ends up making sure it has food and water…then of course our dogs start barking at it when it squawks (always randomly)…pandemonium!

I had totally forgotten about “Lenny”, but I do remember….I don’t think I’ve ever seen that movie until now!

Judy, I know of no perfect marriages…there is just no way to be married for more than a few years without significant challenges…and yours have been numerous and complex. But the fact that you have been married for thirty years means that you are both willing to do the work necessary to stay together. And most people aren’t willing to work that hard…its easier just to throw up your hands and say “the hell with it”. Keep working and keep growing…together.

And I do enjoy the music, even if it slows me down!…Sam

Judy wrote:

Hi Sam,

So great hearing from you – I’ve really enjoyed your messages. I know you run a busy medical practice, so I’m honored. But then, it is amazing to catch up after so many years! I was cracking up to know you own a conure. Our bird has made me deaf with his racquet. And the din with the dog is hysterical – when I was in my “daily humor” mode I think I actually tape-recorded it! I did write about our bird on Post #142 To Have Courage or Beak Careful.

First off, I share a lot of email correspondence on the blog. I want to be honest with you about that. I do use fairly good discretion, but be sure to put a (don’t share), if anything would make you uncomfortable. Sharing has been a big part of my journey and has helped me a lot. I feel a little embarrassed to write that, but honesty has been very important for me!

In the beginning, I felt giddy and almost “naked” with what I’ve written. It has been interesting for my friends to know that my husband doesn’t read any of it – I do send him links, like about our wedding recently. He catches the pics and it’s enough for him. However, I write mostly nice, honest stuff, which makes him laugh and shake his head. I pretty much tell him about what I’ve written (when I have time). I did read to him the emotional posts about Jason.

I have felt concerned about my kids – especially my sons with their autism. However, they are aware that I wrote about the past (even though they haven’t read it, and my older son might be hurt). Their main concern is that I not write about anything they are doing presently and I’ve kept to that. It’s hard holding back with my younger son and his exploits. Oy, he broke his braces again, yesterday! My older son has a girlfriend and that’s off-limits now. My daughter recently told me she went to read my blog. She didn’t ask me to remove anything, but she expressed a lot of hurt about how her “illness” was out there. It actually helped for us to talk about the situation, if only to process the pain.

I feel truly unable to go back to edit much – it would be such a time-consuming venture. I can hardly keep up with my household stuff due to my passionate endeavors. Since February, I probably only sleep about five hours a night. I’ve accepted it, because I don’t feel tired.

My two sons and I rattle off puns at the dinner table and it has been very funny. I actually have a list for the blog when I feel like writing something funny again. My daughter and husband roll their eyes, too, but every so often they do chime in. My writing has evolved now to where I don’t write much about my “daily life.” I write mostly about music.

Yes, I seem to have picked professions that are very difficult to make money at – art, writing, and music. I’ve had to develop a thick skin with what I’ve been doing musically. Initially, I had little confidence in my singing voice. However, I have learned about conveying emotion in my vocals; that’s been helpful.

I sort of see myself as a “package.” I do see myself going on a talk show circuit, writing a column, or being involved in the creation of a musical with all my songs. I think my stories resonate deeply with people who are struggling with challenges of parents, kids, or are simply grieving. I was proud of my optimistic poem that I recently wrote and posted (#189), because I hadn’t written a grief poem since my days in Compassionate Friends many years earlier.

When I feel discouraged, along comes someone like Marlene Reyes. She left a comment on Post #154 saying I had saved her marriage and changed her life. Hearing that is far meaningful than making money!

Of course, I can’t keep this up indefinitely and have to restrain my perfectionism about improving the existing recordings. You’re so kind to say they sound professional. I do feel fortunate to have found this George guy. He certainly knows how to arrange my songs beautifully and I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve been self-taught on the computer, and now I’m learning a lot more about music programs. I’m a perfect “blogger,” because I can scan, type well, do Photoshop and Garage Band – it all comes together for me!

Judy

Hi Sam,

I was thinking of contacting Carol. However, my life has been full of reconnecting. Maybe I’ve had enough for one week already!

You could call Carol and the red-haired guy….kind of like tic-tac-toe!

Sam

Before I post anything, I’ll run it by you.

I have been feeling the writing ache all day – I think it is time for me to find Carol.

Judy

I appreciate that!

Feel free to let her know that I provided the connection; she told me at our reunion where she worked! Hope that my ears don’t burn too much!…Sam

I’m writing now. I was going to start with my last memory of seeing Carol, but haven’t gotten to that part yet.

I think a lot of our correspondence was interesting. It’s a good summary of what I’ve been doing for any new readers that might come across the home page. I’ll send you a doc to see before I post anything.

Judy

p.s. Here’s my joke – I see I was going to send you a doc before a post. How funny sending a doc to a doc.

Doc to a doc? Looks like you got the last Word….Perfect!

Don’t go microSOFT on me! I told you I wouldn’t fall for those “Lines that I’ve heard!” (lyrics in my song).

I better not CAPITALIZE on this anymore!

Judy

Oh, so in your song you said you wouldn’t fall for those “Lines that I’ve heard!”

Isn’t that from “YOU’RE NOT THE PUN”?

It feels like I’m following a SCRIPT. But it looks like I’m getting in the last word now! I’m sorry; you just weren’t my TYPE! I guess I had trouble making a SELECTION!

Fine. I will boldly admit defont!

The stage seems to be set now. I decided to call Carol today.

I received a comment from her already on the prior post! After she has read more, I’m certain we will reconnect further. I have not seen her in thirty-two years. She was certainly a part of my musical journey.

Carol was briefly engaged to Sam many years ago. They did not marry. He said he saw her last at his thirty-year high school reunion. He shared with me where he thought she worked.

Very soon, I will be recording another song. I cannot be sure if I wrote it for Sam or for Michael. The name of that song is “If You Should See Me.”

Cheryl is in the front, Cindy behind on the left, then Carol is to the right of me.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, dating memories, Friendship, high school memories, memories of high school, Music, old boyfriend, original songs, performing, songwriting, writing | 2 Comments

SONG OF JOY-PART 1

Posted on October 24, 2010 by Judy

My post title is from my song named: SONG OF JOY

Clicking the blue links below, will play my song. The second link is to the way I originally recorded this song in 2010. Later on in 2013, I decided to go back to my song’s original title “Song of Joy” when I created a new arrangement.–

Song of Joy Home Recording 7-20-16

–

Totally embarrassing, but this is my version from 2010 when I first began singing again. I’m sharing it to show my progress and to tell the story:

I have finally recorded my wedding song.

I think it’s important to know that I had perimeters when writing my wedding song. My mother was very upset about “the bride playing her guitar at her own wedding.” In order to satisfy her, and especially because of the religious ceremony involved, I needed to base my lyrics upon the biblical, seven wedding blessings.

In order to record this song I needed to rewrite my song to be more “generic.” I decided to keep the song’s religious feeling and even the lyrics “the streets of Jerusalem.” I couldn’t find a way to replace that anyway. Somehow the “streets of Los Angeles” didn’t sound very beautiful!

It took me several months to commit to the lyrics; it changed the song considerably. In addition to rewriting the lyrics, I had to consider song structure, phrasing, and melody!

It was interesting for me that as I closed in on completing the recordings of “the songbook of my youth” – this last song was my last musical composition for thirty years. I do still plan to record two other songs that were written earlier.

I’m aware that my songs and writing convey my sensitive and emotional nature. My wedding song is very emotional for me.

I have written about the trauma I experienced when I got married. That chapter in my life was painful, despite the outward appearance of a beautiful wedding.

My new song has a new title. I assumed it would be called “Song of Joy,” and named it as such up until today. However, as I was singing it a more poignant title came to me – “Together.”

Change isn’t easy, but in this case I’ve decided to welcome it on my song. Recording it felt like a new beginning for me, too. George and I worked for six hours on this song, and the time was well worth it. I’m not certain that it’s completely finished either.

This has definitely been a week of intense writing for me! Sometimes I view my blog as “a close friend.”

It is there for me to share when my need arises. Writing has been very therapeutic for me. There is so much comfort to have such a perfect place as my blog to express my feelings. The rest of the time, I am enjoying my music, and fulfilling my obligations.

I enjoyed scanning the pictures to go along with my wedding music. I’ll give my writing a rest and share pictures today instead.

For the anecdote on how I played this song at my wedding with a bandage on my finger, this is link: FINDING MY VOICE.

My journey of insight continues as I perform, record and compose music, and write.

I did the calligraphy for this.

A page in my diary about my wedding. Clicking on it brings it up larger.

My aunt had a custom cake made, which copied my invitation. It was simply amazing!

I forced Michael to perform an Israeli dance. It wasn’t a hard one!

Michael was very nervous.

He was nice, I was not – wow did I squish it in there!

TOGETHER

Together they are

partners and best friends

they create perfect joy

like first lovers in Eden

Together they will

create life in god’s image

and so with the blessings above

They begin their new life today

CHORUS:

Oh lord above, may this song of joy for them

Play through the streets of Jerusalem

Oh Lord above, on this sacred day they’re wed

We celebrate their future ahead

Together they see

love as everlasting

This moment when they share vows

United by love

CHORUS

Oh Lord above, on this sacred day they’re wed

We celebrate their future ahead

Oh lord above, may this song impart

wishes for their beautiful start

for their beautiful start

Tagged acoustic guitar, Biblical wedding song, composing, creativity, guitar, healing music, inspiration, Jewish wedding song, Judy Unger, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage, marriage ceremony, Music, original songs, performing, Shevah Brachot, singing, Song for a Jewish wedding, Song of Joy, songwriting, Together, wedding, wedding song, writing | 1 Comment

A BEAUTIFUL START

Posted on October 23, 2010 by Judy

My post title is from my song named: SONG OF JOY

When I got married, I certainly embraced the ”romantic love concept.” My songwriting and diary entries were so innocent. I was very immature.

My diary entry when I became engaged. Clicking on this makes it larger.

I have wondered for many months whether I would be able to share what I am about to. If I could share how I felt when I saw my dead son’s body, I decided I could share this.

I was actually married six months before my wedding. It was not a fabulous, passionate elopement kind of thing. It was actually quite traumatic.

It happened when my mother became very distraught over the course of my yearlong engagement. My mother pressured me to marry, six months into my engagement. She had rigid beliefs about virginity, marriage, and having that necessary “piece of paper,” which a marriage certificate represented.

She was not speaking to me because I had “deeply disappointed her.” In order to satisfy her, my compromise was to marry six months earlier. It was to be kept a big secret.

Therefore, I was already married when I had my official wedding. I carried the heavy weight of what had happened six months earlier, which also affected the start of my marriage.

As I have neared recording my wedding song, the trauma around all of this has resurfaced. My song was so hopeful!

Recently, I shared my feelings around all of this with Connie, my hypnotherapist. A very interesting connection was made when I shared with her the following:

“I was in our rabbi’s office for the actual, marriage ceremony. That day, I became ill with a severe, stomach upset. I was so weak, that I could not stand up. The wedding was performed with me sitting in a chair ready to pass out. My husband’s best man, Robert, was there as was Cheryl.

Pictures were taken back at my house. Except, I was sick in bed! It was a joke that instead of having me in the picture, pictures were taken with a picture frame of me instead!”

I was sick in the bedroom when this picture was taken.

My diary tells only part of the story. Clicking on this makes it larger.

Connie listened. My revelation came when she reminded me about the stomach upset I had later in my life. Three years ago, I developed microscopic colitis while I was under the tremendous stress of my parents living with me. My realization was that stomach upset from stress happened far earlier in my life. Here I had always assumed I had the flu, when it was most likely stress related!

Being married ahead of a wedding may not seem like such a big deal. However, it was a big deal for me, because of the pressure and the circumstances. I would never do that to a child of mine.

I did have a beautiful, June wedding. However, it was not that romantic for my husband and I. We endured so much from our crazy situation of being legally married and living separately. Maintaining the secret for my mother caused a lot of tension between Michael and I. Michael became very detached from participating in a wedding that he felt was not necessary anymore. That resulted in a lot of sadness for me, and destroyed my romantic notions very quickly.

When I was twenty-four, I spiraled into a deep depression. I went to see a therapist. It turned out that my depression was related to the anger I felt toward my parents regarding this situation. The therapist encouraged me to confront my parents and express myself with her support.

It was quite difficult for me, but I forced my parents to attend a session where there were two psychologists. My two brothers were there also. Just remembering that session has been very painful for me.

Years later, I found my father’s notes that he took during that difficult therapy session.

At that session, I expressed my anger and made permanent changes to our relationship.

Gradually, I moved away from the anger. I was able make my decision regarding having children after that.

It is very important to know that I forgave my mom. Our relationship changed when Jason was born and she was such an integral part of my life. My survival of that ordeal was due to her support. She and my father were present for every one of my four childrens’ births.

Recently, I found a card from my mom in my memorabilia box. When I read it, it caused my tears to gush. I credit her a lot with her willingness to apologize. Now that I’m a parent, I understand how there is so much responsibility and always the chance of making a mistake for which my child might not forgive me.

Transcription of my mom’s card:

I could not write until I knew what was bothering you about me. Now the meeting is over and I know. I can only say I’m sorry if I did not live up to your image of how you want me to be. Luckily, I still go to school and am able to do well in learning and yesterday I learned much. It hurt because I tried to do what I felt was helpful. I did it because I loved you and felt good doing it. Naturally I fell my moral and religious principles are worth passing on to my children. However, I know I can change. I’m trying very hard and I want you to let me know when I’m detouring. Tonight is Yom Kippur and we start out anew. My biggest hurt is because you are hurting and my one desire is for you to be happy. Love, Mom

My mother’s apology letter to me.

While reading her card for this post, I had another realization. Part of this came about during my recent, email correspondence with my former boyfriend, Sam. He wrote some very sensitive words to me. Because he has strong religious beliefs and is also a doctor, his words were exceptionally meaningful. He wrote:

Judy,

I saw a few posts where you mentioned that your Mom was upset because Jason’s surgery was right before Yom Kippur. When you have to do a medical procedure that is important, and particularly this one, where they were trying to save his life, you have an absolute obligation to do it as soon as you can…even on Yom Kippur, Shabbat, or any other holiday. ”Pikuach nefesh” is a concept where virtually any religious consideration is nullified in the attempt to save a life…please don’t feel bad about this!

My realization is that my mom wrote this card on what became the Yartzeit (Jewish death day anniversary) for Jason eight years later! That irony cannot escape me!

My mom had very strong feelings about Yom Kippur. In the end, the very holiday that she believed deeply in starting anew was so very painful for her after Jason died the day before.

For many years I had tremendous anguish for having scheduled his surgery on that day. My mother didn’t blame me outwardly, however, when the surgery was scheduled she was very angry about it. She insisted that I change the date, but I refused to.

For a long time carried the burden that I scheduled his “day of death.” But then, I always remember a woman I met in Compassionate Friends. Her five-year-old son died in the hospital while awaiting his surgery.

I truly have forgiven myself for scheduling his surgery on that day. I did not have another choice, because I was not capable of waiting; the next opening for surgery was several months down the road.

My son’s death was something that happened, for which I am not responsible.

I have felt very responsible for so much for so long!

I often lament my responsibility for my parents.

I gained additional insight while writing this post. When I saw Connie this morning, I mentioned to her that being responsible for my parents has been stressful for me.

What has been most useful for me with hypnotherapy, was knowing that even small changes in my thinking has lifted my mood. Once again – one of my favorite gems has been “thoughts equal feelings.”

Connie mentioned that the word “responsible” might not be helpful for me. She suggested I find a replacement for the words “feeling responsible.” It was clear for her that I could find another way to look at this. While I was with her, I drew a blank and could not think of any way to see it differently.

So, at this moment I’ve decided to try. First, I looked up responsibility:

re-spon-si-bil-i-ty n

1. The state of having control of someone.

2. The blame for something that has happened.

3. Something for which a person is responsible.

Wow! After writing that, I see Connie was right. Those words were definitely not helpful for me!

At this moment in time, as I am writing this, it just came to me!

I am not responsible for my parents.

I care for my parents.

Here is the difference, simply by the definition:

care v

1. To be interested or concerned.

2. To tend or supervise somebody.

3. The process of maintaining something in good condition.

4. Providing whatever is needed.

I know this all sounds like semantics. How is it that changing a word could make a difference?

It is hard to explain – but every time I have analyzed and changed my thinking I have lifted myself out of my depression. If I use the word “care,” my spirits feel so much lighter than when I use the word “responsible!”

My mother and I in January of ’09.

My mom called me crying with panic attacks several times this week.

After I left Connie this morning, I decided to surprise my mother and take her out to lunch.

When I arrived at her nursing facility, she was confused. She thought my brother was coming today, because she lost track of what day it was. If I had not come, she would have called me crying. She was ready to panic when I walked into her nursing facility.

She shared with me that she had a nightmare about death last night.

Her eyes filled with tears because she was so grateful to see me. She radiated intense joy throughout our lunch outing.

While my mom was on a respirator this past December, I was fortunate that she survived; I know my caring made a big difference.

I care very much for my parents, as they have always cared so much about me for my entire life. My mother’s caring about me has buoyed me throughout the most difficult times in my life.

I cannot control the ravages of the aging process that afflicts both my parents right now.

I was trying to decide whether to share my secret; after all, my mother is still alive and would be very upset about what I’ve written.

However, I know she loves me very much. She would want me to heal and do whatever was necessary to achieve that.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to recording my wedding song.

I am at peace now. It has been a truly, beautiful day.

When I was younger – I was very open. After the experience surrounding my wedding, I changed a lot.

I find it interesting how open I am now. I didn’t have to look very far to see that I was quite closed up for a long time.

When I saw my close friend, Marge, last week, I shared my “secret wedding” story with her. She never knew. For all these years, I kept this it a secret from such a good friend!

Recently, when I had lunch with my sister-in-law, I asked her if she knew. She had no idea either. My brother never even told her. My brother was the one that suggested the idea to my mother about the early marriage.

Now I have no more secrets! Well, not that I’m going to share on my blog anyway!

Tagged "sandwich generation", Aging Parents, being a virgin, beliefs about virginity, Caregiving, engagement, family secrets, forced marriage, forced wedding, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, Hypnotherapy, loss, mother, mother daughter relationship, parenting, responsibility, wedding memories | Leave a comment

I LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER THE FUN

Posted on October 21, 2010 by Judy

Here I am with Sam in front of my apartment in North Hollywood. I lived there from the time I was a year old until I got married at the age of 21.

Link to lyrics, more stories and recordings for YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.

It has been interesting for me to know that so many people are finding out about my life.

I’ve enjoyed sharing my optimism, my artwork, my youthful stories, and most of all my music.

It has been painful at times to share my sadness. Even though I am very upbeat most of the time lately, there is no escaping the stress of being responsible for my parents. I had a conversation today with my mother’s caregiver, Miriam.

She wanted to talk with me about my mom’s deteriorating, mental condition. I let her know that I have certainly noticed it. I’ve decided that it is time now for me to speak to her doctor about the rapid and unrelenting progression. My mom more frequently has lost touch with reality and become fearful.

My father attempts at every opportunity to prove she is “fine.” He has refused to allow her to have any new medications to thwart the progression. I understand that because my mom is extremely sensitive to side effects of most medications.

Sometimes I realize how grateful I am for my dad. He handles a great deal of my mother’s issues and her anxiety. Without him, so much more would fall on my shoulders. However, my dad is becoming increasingly irritable and frail.

My father is aware of my musical passion and has accepted it. Just thinking about that has me choked up.

Next week, I will be performing at my mother’s nursing facility. She has expressed interest in seeing me perform. Bringing her to a show would be too difficult now for me. Therefore, I’ve decided to come to her. I need to practice all her favorite songs!

Each time I record a song, I am transported back to how I felt when I wrote it. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m back in high school! I enjoyed recording “Autumn Recollections and Alone,” because the songs were so different from my other songs.

Tonight, I was a little bit shaken by a comment on my blog from my first boyfriend, Sam.

He has read my blog. Now he knows that I’ve written a song (or two) for him. He left his comment on #184 YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.

After reading his comment, I decided to take the heart off his face.

My reconnecting has gotten so interesting for me!

No more heart covering his face!

I can’t believe when this picture was taken I had my hand on his thigh!

Here are links to the posts about the song I wrote for Sam:

#183 THE VERY FIRST SONG I EVER WROTE

With Sam’s permission, I am sharing some of our correspondence. This is a window into how it feels to flash forward thirty-two years after last seeing him. I have so much more insight into being a teenager!

From: Judy

To: Sam

Sent: Wed, October 20, 2010 8:27:16 PM

Subject: I am laughing so hard!

Oh my god! How did you find out about my blog!

I did have a premonition about an old boyfriend seeing this stuff – so that’s why I placed a heart over your face. Now I’m waiting to hear from “the red-haired one!”

Since I’m relatively unknown I’m amazed that you saw this. I’d love to hear how you found out about it. My life is now an open book (literally). However, I am glad I’ve found some semblance of joy again after so many years of trials and tribulations.

How does it feel to have a song written about you?

I hope life has gone well for you. I am sorry for being such an immature and fickle, young girl.

Take care!

Judy

(Sam updated me on his career, family, his wife, and four children)

On Oct 21, 2010, at 12:18 AM, Sam wrote:

Judy,

Back from basketball…anytime I can get back without an additional sprain, ice pack, or ace bandage, I am thrilled!

First off, I have to tell you how very, very sorry I am to hear about Jason…and words completely fail me, because they can’t express what I feel…no parent should ever have to go through that kind of hell, and I hope that your writings along with the support of your many friends will help you to process and move on.

I saw your name on the Borders web site (Canoga Park)…your name came up because we have a mutual friend. I then used Google and came upon your web site…almost at the page where my picture with the heart was (you can remove the heart if you wish…I won’t be offended, but probably won’t be able to stop laughing!) I read a few of the beginning pages as well, but didn’t want to go further without announcing myself…just not into the “lurking, creepy ex-boyfriend” kind of thing…and if you prefer that I not read your posts, I won’t.

The song is great (although I probably wouldn’t have thought so 30 years ago!). Now, I hope it goes platinum, and then People or Entertainment Weekly will want to do an interview with whoever the guy was, and I will have 15 minutes of fame!

I never in the least found you immature or fickle…I valued our friendship, but life involves making a lot of choices, and your song expresses it well.

I have been married to a wonderful lady for 24 years. As for me, I have been in private practice for 21 years, and my office is in Tarzana. I’ve had the opportunity to do some media work, and have been an occasional medical commentator on FOX News. I do the best I can to get my patients the best medical care available…lots of changes in Medicine, but I really do enjoy my career! Medicine is evolving into large, impersonal, multi-specialty groups, and I just can’t see being a part of that. I remain a dinosaur in a solo office.

Around 15 years or so, I ran into your mom and one of your brothers at a restaurant…we got to chat for a while…sorry to hear about her declining health, and hope that you will still have many meaningful times with her and your father. They were both always very nice to me! My dad passed away in 2004 and my mom still lives in the same house where that prom picture was taken, and has a “boyfriend” in his 80’s who is very nice and good to her! My sisters are both married and doing well…we get together all the time.

I am so glad that you are back to playing the guitar, singing, and writing…your songs are terrific! With all the caretaking that you are doing, having an outlet, I think, is critical to being a great wife, mother and daughter. In my own practice I have seen many caretakers that don’t “take care of themselves” burn out, and I never want to see that happen to you!

Judy, I am happy to read your blog, and comment when I think I can be useful. If that is just too weird for you, I would completely understand and respect your feelings!….Off to bed…have to drive carpool in the morning (not one of my favorite activities)…Sam

Hi Sam,

I completely understand about the additional injuries from sports – I am grateful I can play tennis without being hobbled by my toe bunions or tennis elbow! Every day, I am grateful for being healthy. I had some carpal tunnel issues recently, but I am managing with the symptoms now – just some mild tingling, at times.

I’m laughing again – you’re a doctor, so there I go discussing my ailments. I bet you’re used to that!

I guess reconnecting with you was also part of my journey. Would you be okay with my editing down some of our correspondence and sharing it on my blog? I have a lot of readers, and I think this whole thing is VERY Interesting!

Since my life is out there on the Internet, I don’t think it is creepy at all for you to read it. First off, as a busy doctor, I am amazed you would make or find time to read any of it. There is a lot there. I started off in February and I was a writer that was literally exploding. I had too much to say. It was therapeutic for me, but I’m not sure what I wrote was that interesting to read. I never expected it would all lead to my passion for my guitar and music, although from the get-go I picked up my guitar when I started writing.

Your compliments on my music touched me very much. I love my “song stories” and melodies. I have gotten such an enthusiastic response from many people. My own family is less enthusiastic. My daughter and husband remind me that “no one buys music” like this.

I don’t care too much. I used to feel guilty once my career evaporated that I needed to make money at something else. I am realizing that this is the best thing that ever happened to me. After so many years of unhappiness, I am really thriving with my creativity. Money is just not important. We live off our equity line, and I do worry about that sometimes. But then I remember, bill collectors hounded J.K. Rowling, and look at her now!

Back to you reading anything – feel free! I actually had a thought that it might be very cool to see each other – our spouses can join us; that’s fine. This sounds creepy now – I would definitely want pictures and to share it on the blog, too!

Thank you for your condolences about Jason. You certainly understand how dealing with medical issues can be baffling for someone like me. I learned then and there that medicine is an art, not a science. His health issues were unrelenting and exhausting for me. On top of that, my bereavement was compounded by my sons’ autism. However, I have processed and moved on to this wonderful place where I am very much at peace. In some ways, “moving on” implies going away from. I actually don’t know if that’s the best word to describe the process. I think I’ve embraced my pain, instead of “stuffing it” and trying to ignore it for many years.

Music allows me to share a lot of it. One of my friends wrote to me yesterday. She said, “Such an interesting conundrum; why does singing such sad songs make you so happy?”

I didn’t have a good answer for her!

I don’t have to update you much on my life – since it’s all out there on the blog. It has been challenging coping with my parents – but that is part of life. I am definitely a “sandwich!”

That’s sweet that you thought I might be a recording artist someday. I certainly dream about it, but at 51 I’m not sure if I have a chance. I do dream, and I think our current, baby-boomer generation might embrace me. People like happy endings, and mine would be a story like that. I could just see a musical with all my songs in it!

So my life is full now as I write, sing, and share images and stories from my art career. It was wonderful to hear from you. Your comment was lovely and you are welcome to comment more. I actually did share that I wrote another song for you (I’ve Always Cared). You might not have caught that one!

Sorry to hear about your dad. I can picture him well; I remember your sisters, too. On a side note, my oldest son loves bowling. I remember you were a terrific bowler. My older brother, Norm, still bowls.

Best of luck to you!

Fondly, Judy

p.s. I am touched that you didn’t think of me as immature or fickle. Of course, we make our choices in life – which is what I ultimately did.

Judy,

I’m glad the tingling is better…keep up with the braces, and hand positioning on the computer is important…try to elevate your wrists with a pad in front of the keyboard… and if you use a mouse, it’s a good idea to also have a mouse pad with front padding that will keep your right wrist elevated. While it doesn’t make as much sense, its possible that a lot of guitar playing could also lead to some sort of repetitive motion syndrome with nerve irritation….pretty much anything we do in our 50s that we haven’t done before gets complained about by our bodies, unfortunately!

I think that your reconnecting with your writing and music is very important to your healing, and that is the most important thing right now…it also happens to be terrific stuff (in my opinion, because it is so very real). Whether anyone wants to buy it isn’t important right now. You didn’t start out painting pictures of candies or farms either…first you became an artist, and then you figured out what sold. I think you can do the same thing with both your music and writing…if you ultimately decide to embark on a career, you can then work on “what sells”…but it would probably be counter productive to do that now.

It would be great to get together, but don’t know if I can find another baby blue tux! 🙂 What the heck was I thinking…who would wear a tux that color in any year or generation? Where were the fashion police?

I will definitely check out “I’ve Always Cared”…that’s two songs for me, only eight away from an album!…Sam

Hi Sam,

Now I’ve updated you on the current challenges with my children. On top of that, my mother called me crying today with a panic attack. Life has been stressful.

But then, there’s my other life. I am in the process of writing three posts and composing the lyrics and melody for my next recording on Sunday. It saves me now that I have this. Humor is good because I know I’ll look back at my day today and laugh.

I appreciate you’re allowing me to share. I find it all so interesting, this journey of mine that began in February.

I can’t believe your son looks so much like the way you looked at 18. Of course, I hear the same thing said about my oldest son who looks just like my husband used to look!

Judy