myjourneysinsight

I SEE A RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

Posted on December 10, 2013 by Judy

Click the blue links to hear my song:

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Rainbow Through My Tears Home Recording 4-5-18

RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

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When life holds pain

it’s just like rain

It pours, then it clears

I see a rainbow through my tears

Those tears I’ve cried

have always been my guide

My heart may still bleed

but with my tears, I’m freed

When life was hard

I put up my guard

I locked inside

feelings I denied

For many years

I would hold back my tears

But when I let go

I saw the rainbow

Color burst into the sunlight

Darkness faded into daylight

Every hue was within view

Numbness was replaced by feeling

For so long I despaired of healing

Now I know, it appears

Hope came with the rainbow through my tears

I used to pray

I would see that rainbow someday

When I couldn’t smile

All the while

I tried to find

colors in my mind

But grief was like night

without an end in sight

I didn’t know

when I’d see that rainbow

There was always hope

with the rainbow through my tears

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For many months almost daily, I picked up my guitar and tried to write a new song. I hummed and experimented with chord progressions, but nothing came to me.

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Three months earlier, I did hear a rainbow song. I heard it in its entirety and even recorded myself singing the first verse.

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But I didn’t like the chorus. It was difficult to sing. The melody jumped down low in a few places. Most significant was that I didn’t believe my song. It just wasn’t touching enough for me. My vision was foggy and I wished I could see that rainbow.

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I decided that my song needed a lot of improvement and then I would embrace it.

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At the time my song was revealed to me, I also created an image for a story on my blog named “My Song Garden.” I used one of my existing floral paintings with a rainbow sky above.

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It was fascinating for me that I also chose that particular image for the cover of my first promotional CD. And I even created an alternate image for that CD using a rainbow and a picture of myself smiling with my guitar.

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My subconscious was definitely speaking to me with rainbows, but still I would not finish my song!

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For this story, I added an image of my hand holding my mother’s over the flowers in my song garden.

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Her beautiful hand within mine happens to be the last picture I have of her. I took it while she was on her deathbed.

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I understand now that I could not accept this song while my mother was dying.

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My song finally emerged two months after her death because I wanted to counter the fog and sadness clouding my vision. I didn’t want to lose hope of feeling better.

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The link below has audio and shares more about my story:

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#362 MY SONG GARDEN

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This is my larger painting that I cropped for my song garden image. My illustration was commissioned for use on a soil product package label.

The verses for my song came easily and I had a lot of lyric lines to choose from. I decided to pick only lyric lines that were especially gentle. An example would be two choices I had below. Both were very true for me:

“Grief only stole, the life I couldn’t control.”

But I liked this line better:

“Grief was like night, without an end in sight”

Both were about hopelessness. But the second line did not allow me to blame myself for my despair.

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This is my image for the story I wrote two years ago named, “There Was Hope For Me.” I am twenty years old in that picture.

I originally wrote the first line of my chorus as:

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“Color melted all my sadness; no longer would I live with madness”

It was no surprise that I wrote that because those words perfectly described my current life. I knew my song deserved lyrics that were sweeter, even though grief and stress definitely were “madness” in my life.

But I could not find a replacement.

It was because my life became increasingly filled with stress related to my divorce and demanding large children. I abandoned my song.

The months went by. Each time I played my guitar, I felt uninspired.

My arranger, George, kept asking me when I’d have a new song. Finally he convinced me that he could help me finish my song.

From the moment I played the first chords for him, suddenly I felt my song magically healing my soul. I could not find enough ways to thank him. Once again, I was singing throughout my day.

For a few sessions, George and I worked on the arrangement even though my lyrics weren’t set. The song truly became joyful when we added four-part harmony to the chorus.

George has often told me that backup vocals add a lot to any song. Even though I sang in my high school choir, staying on pitch while singing harmony lines was quite a challenge for me!

I did follow one of his lyric suggestions. George grimaced when I sang the word “suppressed.”

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I grinned when he said, “Jude, you’re using those big words again!”

Suppressing tears was an important concept in my song. I asked him for a replacement and he suggested, “I held back my tears” instead of “I suppressed my tears.”

George also worked with me to discover a beautiful bridge for this song. As soon as I heard the haunting music, an additional lyric line magically appeared. I found myself teary every time I sang: “I used to pray, I would see a rainbow someday.”

It was a perfect “bridge” because it enhanced the message for my song.

That’s because I easily pictured myself praying for hope during some of my darkest moments.

My artistic rendition of a story cover for “Grief 101.” It’s pretty awful to see!

“Precious versus pressure”

For me, my words and thoughts have a powerful effect upon my mood. I often try to replace words that are negative with positive ones.

At a pivotal hypnotherapy session, I bemoaned how stress was detracting from the preciousness of my life. I was overeating and biting my nails again, which were familiar and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Pressure, pressure, pressure – it was too much!

Pressure vs. precious were two words that sounded similar for me.

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Every time I felt overwhelmed by stress and pressure, I thought instead about how much I wanted life to be precious.

I didn’t want joy to be squeezed out of my life!

I desperately wanted to celebrate my courage and freedom. There was not a single shred of regret within me for changing my life. I decided that I did not have to suffer with circumstances that overwhelmed me.

I had the power to change my life, and it didn’t stop with separation and divorce.

One of the most important line of lyrics in my song benefitted from adding the word “when.”

Originally I wrote: “I didn’t know I’d see a rainbow” or “I didn’t know there’d be a rainbow.”

Positive thinking was about having faith and certainty about healing. I changed it to: “I didn’t know when I’d see the rainbow.”

The rainbow through my tears was something I had seen before.

It was important for me to remember that even if I wasn’t seeing it at the moment.

When my divorce was official, I was certain there would be a huge rainbow in my life. A court date was looming ahead and no settlement was in sight. The lawyer fees for each of us were mounting. Facing my husband in a courtroom was a deeply unpleasant prospect for me.

I decided to take charge and not wait for my rainbow. I searched for ideas to help myself feel better.

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This is an image for my story cover of Farewell, a classical guitar piece I composed in college.

MY LIST OF WAYS TO MAKE MY LIFE MORE PRECIOUS

1. I booked a flight out-of-state to visit my former voice teacher, Peaches Chrenko. Next week I will see her for the first time in over a year.

2. The week after that trip, I am excited to meet a dear blogging friend named Sandra Callahan. Sandra is coming to California from Georgia to celebrate Christmas in Yosemite National Park. I will be taking a road trip to Yosemite with my childhood friend, Joni. I have never met Sandra. I have never taken a trip with Joni as an adult. It will be beautiful for us to relive all the childhood memories from vacations taken together when we were young children.

Meeting Sandra is truly one of the most precious things I could imagine doing. Because Sandra is terminally ill, she has inspired me greatly to treasure my life even more.

3. I plan to bring a new baby into my life. (Not anything living that will add more pressure!)

I am shopping to buy a classical guitar since I gave my old one to my daughter. I haven’t really played a nylon string guitar since I was twenty. I used to study classical guitar when I was in college.

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Now I know

I was having my hair colored at a friend’s home. She was my personal stylist for many years now and a good friend. I adored her and she called me “her sister.”

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Her husband was sitting on the couch as his wife dabbed hair color onto my roots. His eyes were kind as he said, “Judy, you look beautiful. You are glowing and I don’t see the beaten down woman that I saw a few months ago.”

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My eyes began to water and I honestly wondered how he could think I was glowing. I definitely wasn’t out of the darkness and in the sunshine yet. But I appreciated his words and I thanked him.

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Then he said, “A woman should always hear those words; it’s important. Also, I mean it. You really do look much happier.”

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Tears spilled down my cheeks. I couldn’t wipe them away because I was wearing a black plastic gown and hair color could get in my eyes. It was an awkward moment.

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My friend finished applying the color. I hugged her goodbye and left with a plastic hair-net on. I would rinse my hair at home.

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I quickly got into my car and put on my exquisite arrangement of “Rainbow Through My Tears.”

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As I drove, I sang at the top of my lungs. I didn’t care if anyone thought I looked strange while conducting myself with flailing arms at a stoplight.

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My song surrounded me with a rainbow of love, comfort and joy during a challenging time in my life.

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I thanked God for my jewel of a song.

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged A Rainbow Through My Tears, acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, arranging music, composing, composing music, coping with divorce, coping with grief, coping with PVD, creativity, crying tears, escape through music, facing divorce after a long marriage, Friendship, god and music, gray divorce, guitar, healing music, impending divorce, inspiration, Judy Unger, living with a blindfold, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, Music, music and healing, music arrangements, music as therapy, musical comfort, original songs, poor communication, Posterior Vitreous Detachment, Rainbow through my tears, Rainbows, Sandra Callahan, separation, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, staying positive, suppressing feelings, suppressing tears, writing | 9 Comments

IT POURS, THEN IT CLEARS

Posted on November 28, 2013 by Judy

I’ve been waiting a long to time to share a drawing I made of a turkey as a child. My father saved a lot of my childhood artwork, which I discovered after his death.

I like my new spelling for Thanksgiving. It’s “thinks giveing!”

Last weekend, I treated my two sons, former housekeeper, her companion and her grandson to a vacation in Las Vegas.

I knew that going away for four days was definitely going to take me out of my “comfort zone.” My eyesight bothered me a lot more when I was outdoors and in unfamiliar territory. But all of this was balanced by both my sons’ enthusiasm to show their former housekeeper, Rosa all the sights. This was Rosa’s first time on a vacation in her life. She had never seen Las Vegas or experienced things like gambling, a show or a buffet.

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Rosa’s grandson, Jason, is my son’s best friend. My brother is in the middle.

For me, creating memories for my children was a tradition taught to me by my own parents. My parents were not wealthy by any means and our vacations were always frugal. However, the memories I have are priceless.

My last family vacation was three years ago. On that last trip, I was consumed with writing song lyrics to my song “The Unknown” and quite miserable during that time.

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When my youngest son mentioned a sweet memory from that vacation (of me swimming in the ocean with him), it gave me a big smile. Despite my misery over deciding to end my marriage, my son had no awareness. He had a wonderful time and memories to always treasure. Hearing his words gave me a better perspective about this Las Vegas weekend.

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In this picture, I’m with my older brother, Norm and sister-in-law, Jo. Norm got me an excellent deal for the hotel room and joined my brood for dinner and a show.

The entire weekend was elevated by my most recent song composition and arrangement of “Rainbow Through My Tears.” It played over and over and I was never tired of hearing it in my mind. Whenever I could, I practiced singing it.–

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Click the blue link below to hear audio of my “karaoke in progress”

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RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS Karaoke in Progress

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Link to song page for “Rainbow Through My Tears” RAINBOW THROUGH MY TEARS

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I saw it as a beautiful and hopeful sign when I caught a glimpse of a rainbow while driving to Las Vegas. Normally, Las Vegas being a desert town gets rain only one day a year on average. Unfortunately, it rained all three days we were there. We were so lucky!

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I allowed myself two brief gambling moments. I savored winning a small amount on my second day. On the third day, I doubled my risk by gambling with my 23-year-old son for the first time. I spent twice as much money (because I gave him my money to gamble with). We both lost. It would have been a lot more fun if at least he could have won something. For myself, I didn’t care because I’m not much of a gambler.

The real payoff came from laying out big bucks at the tables – and they weren’t betting tables either.

Seeing my kids’ beaming eyes at the buffet and restaurant tables was worth everything.

Once again, I was in the familiar place of finding my joy by making those I love happy. Most of the weekend, I was inside my head. I loved dreaming that maybe someday there would be a Judy Unger show in Vegas.

I didn’t necessarily see myself being a glamorous singer, but I have often imagined all of my songs being part of a touching musical. If my family knew my thoughts, I’d be mercilessly teased so I kept it as my own little secret.

The day I came home, I had a show in the evening. I realize that I am not talented at promoting myself; I really hate to bother friends to come and watch me play. I had only two people in the audience that night. But it didn’t matter.

My reason for performing at Kulak’s had everything to do with supporting the venue with a large donation. I loved seeing the post-it notes that Paul Kulak had in front of him in the control room.

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The Woodshed will stay open!

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Doing my shows this past month was not only excellent practice for me. It was great information about whether or not I wanted to go in the direction of being a performer.

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After three shows now, I see that performing is something I will be fine with. I had zero nervousness and felt very comfortable speaking and singing. I was confident that there would someday be a large audience wanting to hear what I had to share.–

When Life was Hard My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “Rainbow Through My Tears.”

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Right now, there is a lot of stress in my life pouring over me. I know it will clear, but I am continually dodging storms. Trying to make my children happy has taken a toll on me. I haven’t been feeling too great because I’ve been unsuccessful at it. My heart has been heavy.

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Letting go is something I must do on a regular basis. I want to let go of my disappointment and hold on to the many blessings in my life. My high standards and expectations are not helping me at all.

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Last night, I was feeling very down. I had gotten into a fight with one of my children. My stress had reached a point where I was overwhelmed. To escape, I simply kept typing at my computer.

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Orange Leaf

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I was having a hard time concentrating. I could feel my tears building inside and longed to release them. All of a sudden, sobs erupted from me. My tears splashed onto my keyboard. When I stopped, I felt better. It was such a release for me.

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Even though my tears had been raining, I knew it would clear. I never lose hope.

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For me, clearing represents clarity.

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Tagged cancer and dying, courage facing death, death, death of a friend, expressing feelings, facing the end, friend dying, friend's death, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Judy Unger, Las Vegas, Linda Shaff, loss, loss of a friend, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother's grief, Music, original songs, ovarian cancer, performing, Rainbow through my tears, releasing tears, singing, son's grief, songwriting, suppressing tears, Tennis, tennis friend, tennis friendship, terminal illness, Todd Shaff, Vegas | 2 Comments

I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED-PART 2

Posted on November 27, 2013 by Judy

Link to Part 1 of this story:

I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED-PART 1

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I looked at the friend request and I realized I knew the last name. Was it possible? Then it hit me – it was the same last name as my friend that had died over 15 years ago.

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The first name was Todd. It was Linda’s son!

I received my first message from him that night.

Hello Judy,

So Monday evening I was watching Forrest Gump on Netflix. I saw it with mom in the theatre one evening way back when. Becoming all nostalgic and such, I decided to Google mom’s name. Your lovely story came up, and I just had to contact you. Mom loved you so much. How are you? How is life?

Hi Todd,

It took a few seconds for your name to register – and then like a light bulb, it came to me in a burst. You’re Linda’s son!!!! I am so happy to hear from you and your mom is smiling up in heaven at this moment.

When you’re mom was dying, I made a promise to her that I would look after your grandma. I called your grandma and grandpa while they were still alive every year on your mom’s birthday and death day. I was sad when my cards came back undeliverable and the phone number stopped working.

And that was why I stopped off at your old house and knocked on the door. Your dad answered and was very nice. The best part was when he told me how well you were doing. It gave me such a smile because I knew you were going to be fine. I just know your mom knew that too, all those years ago.

It was tragic that she died so young. She really loved life and desperately wanted to live. I’m also sorry about the loss of your grandparents.

Todd, my personal story has been amazing the last four years. And some of it ties in with your mom and my closeness to her. You know I spoke at her funeral and performed one of my original songs named “Beside Me Always.”

Well after not playing my guitar much for 30 years, I decided to play again four years ago. My own mother was seriously ill and I was very down. A good friend recommended I play my guitar again and I did. It really ended up changing my whole life!

I’ve written a lot about my rediscovery of music and joy on my blog – that’s where I wrote about your mom. I have recorded an audiobook and songs that I plan to release in a few months. The name of my audiobook is “Beside Me Always,” which is the same song I played at your mom’s funeral.

My own mom died less than two weeks ago. She was 88 and lived a good life. I’ve missed her terribly because she had dementia for many years. You might have known that I had a son who died while I knew your mom. Your mom was so caring when I was dealing with that.

Sorry if I’ve written a lot! I’m really excited to see that you found your calling as a teacher.

Take care, Judy

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Hello Judy,

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. My love and prayers go with you, your family and your mother.

To bring you up to speed, I live in Santa Cruz now. This is my 10th year teaching 7th and 8th grade math. Who knew? I love my career; it is truly my life’s honor and passion to educate and hopefully inspire every now and again. I do lots of tutoring kids in the afternoon to help make ends meet, and of course keeping busy grading papers.

I play guitar, as well. However, music became a very personal thing for me. I used to jam all the time with buddies and even in front of others occasionally. Now, it is my little secret when nobody is around. I am glad that you are still playing frequently. That is lovely.

I am single, but have a dog; a 155 pound St Bernard to be specific. Named him Bubba. Needless to say he brings much love (and slime) into my life.

I picked up surfing and running on the beach. For some reason, it is where I always feel closest to those I have loved and lost. Beach life great, I’m glad I found it and feel blessed to live so close to where water meets land.

You may have known that I was a bit wild during the teenage years and after mom passed, but I settled down. I believe it helped give me perspective, and may help relate to children.

If you are ever in the area, please let me know so I can take you out to lunch. I am glad we are in contact.

With love, Todd

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Thank so much for the update, Todd!

I can only imagine what an inspirational teacher you are. You have tremendous compassion and could really help those kids understand how to grow into independent adults despite real life challenges. Your mom knew that you were under tremendous stress and acting out. I think of it less as “wild” and more as angry and lost watching your mother fight for her life.

I think of the beach as very healing and life affirming. You picked such a beautiful place to live.

I live really close to your old house now. Not sure when I’ll get up to your area, but if you’re ever down in Los Angeles – please let me know. And of course, bring your guitar.

I still have your mom’s outfit that she wore to your Bar Mitzvah. Your dad gave me a lot of her clothes. I don’t have anything anymore except that outfit. It was a little small on me, and I always hoped I’d be able to wear it if I lost weight. LOL – I never did! But your grandma told me it was very expensive. If you would like it, I’ll continue saving it for you. It’s very wrinkled because I had it in a bag for a long time.

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I can see you’re a beloved teacher by your students. So glad you found your calling. I just know your mom is smiling down on both of us at this moment. I can still hear her voice sometimes when I’m playing tennis!

Would it be okay for me to share a story about this on my blog? I would run it by you first, of course. And please let me know anything else you might want to share about her with me.

Love, Judy

Hello Judy,

Mom would be fine with you writing anything you would like, and so am I.

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Speaking about her is so strange for me; I do it rarely. To be honest, I did not cope with it well. I used drugs and ran away for a long time. I often reflect that I know nothing of God or anything like that, but I know my mother watches over me, and that there is simply more than what we see.

Fate did not allow me to crash the way so many do when they make the type of mistakes I did so early on. I am here now to help the next generation be strong, both academically and hopefully as humans, as well.

My actions are haunted by the voices of those I have lost: mom, grandma, and grandpa. They guide me now when I have to be strong and firm, as well as compassionate.

I have great fears now for the young out there in this country. I fear that education; family values and depth of character are weakening. It has become my passion to bring a taste of what was passed on to me to the next generation. Unfortunately, few others hold traditional values dear to their hearts anymore. For some reason, what I do seems to work.

In the place of running and medicating, that is what I do now.

I have healed, and it took many years to be able to say that with confidence. When I lost grandma and grandpa, I did not crash again; that is not what they wanted for me.

It is my time now to be the one to make things all right, and I try always to keep that sentiment in heart and mind. I have found that being a wild young person caused me to be an extremely conservative adult.

I chaperoned one of our Middle School dances this evening. The lack of tack, behavior or any sort of social grace in general was a reminder that children need guidance from their parents or whoever is there to apply the necessary pressure to keep some sense of balance.

It is good to converse with you, Judy. It brings mom closer again. This is important and means a lot to me. Thank you.

Love, Todd

I’m so glad you wrote again, Todd.

Your mother was such a gentle and beautiful soul. She had so much optimism as she suffered with cancer. I know she loved you deeply. She was always thinking of you and completely understood why you were “wild.” From what you wrote, it seems that your “wild side” was your way of coping.

She just wished things were different and that she could help you. But she did!

Like you, I didn’t have much feeling for religion or God, but I really feel blessed now because writing and music has helped me so much.

All the years I kept in touch with your grandma were very heartening for me. I danced with joy to hear how things turned around for you.

Healing is amazing and that is why I write so much about it. People in deep grief suffer and destroy themselves because they lose hope and don’t realize that out of it can come a new life – with resilience, strength and even happiness again.

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Hi Todd, I finished the story and would love to add any pictures you might have. Have you gotten a chance to find them? Hope you’re well and I wanted to wish you a great Thanksgiving holiday!

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Love, Judy          

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Hello Judy,

Happy Thanksgiving to you too. I do have a few pictures from my Bar Mitzvah, which I think would be what you are looking for. There is another one of me when I was real young that I liked also. I have been thinking about you and all you are going through right now and wish you the best.

With love, Todd          

Thanks, Todd. I am excited to see them and look forward to sharing this beautiful story on my blog. I’m so proud of you. I feel like your surrogate mother! Love, Judy

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Dear Judy,

Your words bring back memories I buried years ago. I am at a loss for words at your ability to bring my mom’s spirit back to life in your blog. Thank you for what you are doing. It really means so much to me to see how deeply you loved and still love my mother.

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I spent so many years moving on. It is lovely to reflect now, to recognize what happened, and how it impacts my life today. I realize now that so much of how I teach math (and attempt to teach character development) to my students is a result of my own experience. In a failing public school system, I try to help my students survive, to give them the study skills and knowledge tools to make it in a country with ever less opportunity. Surviving, not being a victim of anything, and not making excuses for how we deal with the hand we are dealt are daily topics of conversation in my classroom.

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I don’t know how I got through college. Fortunately, I did not drop out. Mom died my freshman year, and I did lots of drugs…ran away with the hippie kids for a few years, but fortunately I turned out to be a good test taker. More than that, though, dad was there for me during the worst of those times. When mom died, he did not turn his back on me, though I certainly gave him cause to do so. I have him to thank in so many ways.

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I wish mom could be here to play tennis with you, to mourn the loss of your mother with you, may she rest in peace, and listen to you sing your beautiful songs. She always had a very special bond with you; you gave her courage and strength. She told me that.

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Mom knew, though I was in straight out denial that she would not be here today. So, instead, she treated me like an adult then. She spoke to me about so many things that I was not ready to hear, but I do remember. My conversations with you have allowed me to remember things we spoke of.

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We went out to dinner several nights a week while I was in high school. She told me lots of juicy gossip; but more than that, she told me about those she loved, and her hopes for me. I miss those dinners so much.

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Again, thank you Judy for being a great friend to my mother. Thank you for helping me to heal.

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Love, Todd

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What you wrote is so beautiful, Todd that I am crying my eyes out. Your message came at a time when I was feeling very vulnerable. With the holiday approaching and problems with my children as a result of my divorce – well, I sure wish I had my mom and dad around to hold and comfort me.

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Your message is a gift. In helping you to heal, I am helping myself, too.

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Friendship is a wonderful thing and Linda would have eased my loneliness. My tears are flowing for your beautiful mom. I have not forgotten her voice or her kindness. I never realized how much I have missed her! She would have been so supportive of all that I’m doing.

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You lost a lot because of her early death. But it was so touching to hear how she treated you as an adult; that sounds exactly like her.

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Thank you again, Todd for opening up to me. My blog is like a diary, but at the same time I see it as a magnificent opportunity to touch other people with honesty and real experiences. Your mom was real. And she sure made a difference in so many ways. I’ll be thinking of you, Todd.

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Love, Judy

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A later story where I actually met Todd is at this link:

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#473 ONE DAY YOU ARRIVED

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Tagged acoustic guitar, cancer and dying, courage facing death, death, death of a friend, facing the end, friend dying, friend's death, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Judy Unger, Linda Shaff, loss, loss of a friend, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother's grief, Music, original songs, ovarian cancer, performing, singing, son's grief, songwriting, Tennis, tennis friend, tennis friendship, terminal illness, Todd Shaff, women's doubles | 8 Comments

I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED-PART 1

Posted on November 26, 2013 by Judy

Transcription of the above card, which I received after my son died:

Dear Judy,

I can’t find the words to express my sorrow for your loss. I’m going to temple tonight and hope that somehow it will help me to understand how something like this can happen, particularly to a kind, loving person like you.

You helped me get through a very tough time and I hope you will let me reciprocate.

Your friend, Linda

One of the few pictures I have with my dear friend, Linda Shaff. This was taken at a tennis luncheon. I’m holding my daughter who was born one year after the death of my five-year-old son, Jason.

– In memory of Linda

I spoke these words at the funeral for my good friend Linda. I found these notes in Jason’s memory box, which I opened 20 years after his death.

I spoke these words at the funeral for my good friend Linda. I found these notes (on yellow paper) in Jason’s memory box, which I opened 20 years after his death.

This story is about healing and grief – as many of my stories are.

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “Somewhere I Can’t See.” The entire line goes: “I was blessed to be healed; your love filled my heart.”

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I had originally thought to name this post “Grief Was Like Night,” which is a lyric line from my most recent song “Rainbow Through My Tears.” The entire line goes: Grief was like night, without an end in sight.” I changed my mind because it sounded too depressing and I wanted this story to be uplifting.

When I was grieving the death of my child, sometimes it was impossible to imagine feeling better. But I always held on to hope of healing.

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It has been twenty-one years since my child died and I consider myself healed from grief over his death. That is a great blessing for me.

These are my actual scrawled lyrics “in progress,” as I wrote my newest song “Rainbow Through My Tears.” I tried to stay away from dark and depressing lyrics, which explains the crossed out words.

These are my actual scrawled lyrics “in progress” while writing my newest song “Rainbow Through My Tears.” I tried to stay away from dark and depressing lyrics, which explains the crossed out words.

A few weeks ago, I was touched by something from my past that helped to reinforce my message; healing from grief is possible.

The timing was very helpful for me because I was finding myself frustrated. I had spent a great deal of energy trying to convince two fellow bloggers that they had it within their power to feel better.

Bitterness and discouragement about healing was poison to their soul.

My messages were unrelenting and it was clear to me that I was becoming annoying. I began to feel concerned that I was simply aggravating their pain and burdening them. Still, I could not find a way to hold myself back.

I began to wonder what my motive was. My mother had recently died, and I had plenty of my own feelings to deal with.

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Were there other people out there that had healed from unbearable grief? Perhaps it was so rare that my offer of hope to others was completely unrealistic.

But then along came this magnificent story.

It started with a friend request on Facebook.

I didn’t recognize his name and was ready to delete it. But then I stopped.

I knew that last name.

I accepted the request and went to his page. He was a beloved teacher and I was teary looking at his pictures.

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“Posttraumatic Stress”

When I was driving on the same freeway I had used to visit my mom at her nursing home – I kept seeing flashes of her dying eyes. As soon as I pushed the awful image away, then my father’s dead face appeared – and after that, Jason’s.

Soon it was going to be Halloween. I hadn’t forgotten how I buried Jason only three weeks before that holiday. All of this was definitely post traumatic stress.

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I took a deep breath and allowed love to fill my heart. My song lyrics spoke to me with comfort. The images faded away and were replaced with beautiful ones filled with love.

But long ago, I had another experience of watching someone I loved die.

There was Linda.

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She was so much more –

When I began my blog, I wrote a story about tennis and how much that wonderful sport added to my life. I had a good friend and tennis partner who had died; her name was Linda.

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Linda fought ovarian cancer for eleven years. When the cancer invaded her liver, she was facing a losing battle. I had never seen jaundice before and it was shocking to see her glowing yellow skin.

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As Linda’s death grew closer, it was so hard seeing her in pain. She couldn’t eat, sit comfortably or lie down.

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There is never a good time

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On one of my last visits, I met Linda’s mother for the first time. Her mother confided to me that it was too much for her to bear, to see her daughter die. She wailed, “I cannot watch this any longer. I must leave tonight. She is crying for me to stay, but I can’t do it!”

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It was one of the most horrible situations I had ever witnessed.

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I felt awful for both of them: The dying daughter crying for her mommy, and a mother who could not bear to see her child die.

– Todd as a child

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Linda had a husband and teenage son. Through the long course of her illness, it had taken a toll upon her child. She shared with me that he had gotten into trouble.

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Linda knew her illness had deeply affected him and she remained optimistic that it would pass.

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The common cliches

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The day after Linda’s mother flew home, I called Linda’s husband. Her husband’s voice cracked with emotion and exhaustion as he told me she still clung to life.

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I decided to face my fear. I asked him if I could visit her again.

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He said that no visitors were allowed anymore. But then he sighed and said it would be okay.

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He added, “You must know that Linda is very close to death now and totally unresponsive.”

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My heart was pounding when I arrived at the house. Her husband answered the door with bleary eyes; he pointed to where she was. There was a hospital bed in the corner.

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I tiptoed into the dimly lit room . . .

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My friend was skeletal and her teeth were tightly clenched. Yet, I could see her eyes were locked upon mine. She knew who I was, without a doubt.

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I touched her arm and remained quiet as I looked into her deep eyes. I spoke very softly into her ear.

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I gently told her that I would look after her mother. As a bereaved mother, I was sensitive to the loss of a child – Linda could count on me. I promised Linda over and over the ways that I would help her mother. I knew Linda did not want her mom to be tormented because she had fled her daughter’s deathbed.

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It turned out that Linda was not unresponsive.

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Somehow she unclenched her teeth and with a whisper she said, “Thank you.” My heart ached with her soft words.

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I left her bedside and felt inspired. I was so glad I was able to see my friend before she died so that I could reassure and comfort her.

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She died that night.

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At Linda’s funeral, I played my guitar and sang the same song I wrote for my dead child: “Beside Me Always.” I also spoke and recently found my handwritten notes for that eulogy.

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I kept my promise to Linda.

Every year, I called her mother on Linda’s birthday and death day. Our conversations were beautiful; Linda’s mother was also interested in my life. She offered me support during a time where I faced difficult challenges with my own children. Something very special developed between us over those years we were in touch and I considered her a good friend.

I was always especially eager to hear how Linda’s son was doing. After all, Linda was often so worried about him because she knew how affected he was by her illness.

His name was Todd.

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Todd with his beloved grandma.

The first year after her death he began his first year of college. It was a struggle and I believe he had to drop out because grief had deeply impacted him.

But then a few years later, I was so heartened to hear from Linda’s mother how things had turned out. Todd had gone back to school and become a teacher. I thought how proud Linda would have been!

It was perhaps ten years later, when Linda’s father died and her mother became a widow. A few years after that, I called on Linda’s birthday and was saddened when I heard a recording; the phone number was no longer in service. I mailed a card instead and it came back undeliverable. I let a few years go by and wondered. In my heart, I knew that perhaps she was ill or had died.

I planned to keep my promise to Linda and one day I decided to find out where she might have moved to. The only way to do that would be to ask Linda’s husband.

I wasn’t sure if he still lived at the same address. I drove to his house and planned to leave a note if no one answered. But on that day, her husband answered the door.

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After a moment, he recognized me. His handshake was firm and warm. He said it had been at least eight years since any of Linda’s friends had contacted him.

He told me that Linda’s mother had died.

In the short time I stood there, he brought me up to date. He told me their son was a math teacher living up north and that they spoke practically every day. They were close again after a period of estrangement.

That was the end of a story I wrote two years ago.

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This story is continued with this link:

#387 I WAS BLESSED TO BE HEALED – PART 2