myjourneysinsight

THE DOOR – PART 4

Posted on July 4, 2015 by Judy

This image will be on the back of my upcoming vocal CD release. I went through the door and a pine forest is a beautiful image of following my dreams.

This image will be on the back of my upcoming vocal CD release. I went through the door and a pine forest represents a beautiful image where I am going to follow my dreams.

Clicking the blue link plays audio:

The Door Acoustic 5-16-18

Link to song page with performance and more links: THE DOOR

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THE DOOR

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When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore

Then you’ll know; how sad we were together

I left you long ago

When the closet is bare, empty spaces everywhere

But you knew, the truth that I was absent

My distance only grew

When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

I would be ok, even though love went away

My soul I could restore, if I went through that door

When the sheets are still; silence a TV cannot fill

All those years, pretending I was happy

I cried so many tears

As you look upon the empty spaces when I’m gone

You must face, the love you took for granted

with every empty space

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When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

I would be ok, even though love went away

I left because I was worth more

I went through the door

Link to other stories about this song:

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Story behind THE DOOR-PART 1

Story behind THE DOOR-PART 2

Story behind THE DOOR-PART 3

https://youtu.be/cLg-He1HF54–

On my new version of this song, I made a lyric change. I didn’t like singing “vanished.” The new line became, “The love you took for granted.”

I’ve written about the theme of letting go with many of my songs.

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It was nearly impossible for me to let go when my young son died. I let go of my own life for a long time. Inside I felt like I died with him and it was a struggle to simply wake up every morning.

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When both my parents died, it was terrible to see their suffering. The process of adjusting to their absence has not been easy. But I have adjusted and I know they would be proud of me.

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Letting go of fear has been another theme for me. It took courage for me to leave my marriage of over three decades.

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Unlike losing a child, divorce is commonplace so it surprises me that I’ve felt so isolated. Even though my marriage held little affection or companionship, I find myself mourning all of the dreams I once had. And I often bury myself with guilt over destroying my former husband’s dreams.

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Now that three years have gone by since my announcement, my children seem to have adjusted to this huge change in their lives. But after many years of taking care of my former husband, I live with the knowledge that I upended his life. He never expected I would leave and I try not to think of myself as a traitor.

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My ex-husband has taken full advantage of his position. Recently I have felt very angry with some of his choices that affect our children. I am not very good at dealing with anger. It is frustrating because I cannot write or talk about it as much as I wish I could.

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The thought that constantly occupies my mind has been, “I don’t deserve this!” as well as, “His children don’t deserve this!”

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What a huge trigger of sadness that is for me. It sends me to a place of thinking about all the things I’ve dealt with that weren’t fair in my life – and that is on top of my empty marriage.

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Anger and guilt are two wrestling emotions that love to hide in my shadow. I turn around with surprise to find them still there behind me. And I desperately want to let both of them go.

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Three years ago, it was a 4^th of July I’d never forget. Only a few days before I had finally gotten the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. We continued to sleep in the same bed and on Independence Day we had a family outing with our children to watch fireworks like we always had.

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I was numb and in a fog. I carried chairs and a bag with snacks for everyone; I walked far ahead of my husband. Our children pretended they were fine. As the fireworks above exploded, I felt my head and heart flinch with every crackle. I was digesting the awareness that my life was forever changed and his was, too. I was the perpetrator of so much unhappiness!

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There are many lyric lines in my song “The Door,” which give me insight. The first line of my chorus is the one that sets the stage for me to leave with the words of: “When love went away, I just couldn’t stay. . .”

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And the most powerful line is: “I left because I was worth more.” That line is my antidote for “I don’t deserve this.”

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I see a door as a metaphor for making a choice. Leaving (or even staying) is a choice, just like letting go. And choices are empowering. For me, I had lived too many years worrying about making everyone around me happy. I wanted to pursue my dreams without constant criticism and pressure. This was all about feeling that my life was valuable enough for me to take a chance at finding happiness.

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I’m not worth more than my ex-husband. He deserves to be happy, too. He was very unhappy with our relationship even if he couldn’t admit it to me. I stayed for a long time because I was afraid of changing my life. It was an abyss that seemed terrifying to jump into.

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How in the world would I survive? I married when I was 21 and never lived on my own before that. I’m self-employed and an artist. Would I be able to support myself?

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It seems that I’ve overcome my fears because I most certainly have survived.

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In this picture, I am standing looking out the door of my former house I lived in for almost twenty years.

My song “The Door” gave me the courage to change my life. This new arrangement definitely pulls at my heartstrings; I feel comforted with every word.

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For the last three years, I’ve focused my life upon healing through singing my songs. I make choices that lead me to peace and inspiration. It’s no coincidence that my last song composition was named “Peaceful and Inspired.”

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But I want to move forward now to go through some new doors. The best way for me to do that is to remain in a state of awe and wonder.

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I am in awe that I actually had the courage to change my life.

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I am in awe that my words and songs touch so many people.

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I am in awe that at one of my recent performances, one of my songs caused another person to cry.

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I am in awe that I have learned to accept the many painful parts of my life, and that includes living with dry eyes.

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I am in awe of the beautiful music that flows from me and helps me to heal.

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I am eager to share my journey again.

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Anger and guilt might still linger in my shadow, but I’m not going to avoid the sunlight anymore to prevent that.

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Before this year ends, I will be releasing a lot of CD’s. Here’s a promotion picture for my instrumental CD I released last month.

This picture is important for mic placement. I am planning to record an album of acoustic guitar in the near future, as well.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, adjusting to divorce, begin my life again, breakup song, closets are bare, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, divorce after a long marriage, empty spaces, ending a marriage, facing divorce, gray divorce, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, heart break, How sad we were together, I was worth more, I went through the door, inspiration, It's no secret anymore, Judy Unger, leaving a marriage, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage breakup, marriage ending, Music, music and healing, original songs, prophetic song, sad song, separation, separation and divorce, singing, song arrangements, songwriting, the door, the unknown, unhappy marriage, When I close the door, when love went away, writing | 7 Comments

PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED-PART 1

Posted on May 21, 2015 by Judy

I saw a lot of mossy wood and delicate ferns while hiking in Oregon last month. Perhaps because I’m an artist, I especially loved the gorgeous palette of greens that surrounded me.

Link to song page with stories, performances and recordings: PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED

—PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED

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I’m in a forest of beautiful green

a palette of shades I’ve never seen

mossy wood, delicate ferns

a soft path beckons with twists and turns

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The mountain air clears my mind

a bright sun sparkles as I unwind

cascading pools, a tumbling stream

I close my eyes so I can dream

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I’m in awe

nature’s wonderland

so beautiful to see

peaceful and inspired

I’ll take you home

I’ll take you home with me

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A misty beach fades into gray

my cheeks are moist from salty spray

glittering pebbles, watercolor skies

sea foam dancing before my eyes

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I’m in awe

nature’s wonderland

so beautiful to see

peaceful and inspired

I’ll take you home

home with me

I’ll take you home with me

I definitely see glittering pebbles and a watercolor sky with this photo taken at Yaquina Beach in Oregon.

I definitely see glittering pebbles and sea foam dancing in this photo taken at Yaquina Beach in Oregon.

I find the entire process of creating a song very inspirational. One day, a song appears and as it unfolds it completely blankets my existence.

“Peaceful and Inspired” began with some very unique verse chords that I discovered on my guitar shortly before my trip to Oregon last month. While I was on my trip, I wrote some poetry that I wasn’t sure could be used as lyrics. When I returned I collaborated with my arranger, George to compose the chorus chords. I was amazed how my poetic lyrics easily fit into the music.

Despite being very busy working as an illustrator, I made time to record a vocal, guitar tracks and harmony. It was all a pleasure.

This song came to me at a time when I desperately needed peace and inspiration.

I was very depressed because my eyes were constantly hurting due to dry eye syndrome. I mourned the normal eyes I once had and cried easily, which was ironic for someone with poor tear film. I began to consider taking an anti-depressant to help me.

But it turned out that my song was my medicine. Listening to my song left me feeling peaceful and inspired. It took the “focus” off my eyes and the soothing music helped me to appreciate my beautiful journey and gifts.

After my lyrics were written, I saw a brief article on Facebook entitled: “Science has found the emotion you need to stay healthy.” (Link to that article: “The Goosebumps Test – Science has Found the Emotion You Need to Stay Healthy”)

I was floored to read that out of many positive emotions, one stood out as having a pronounced impact on markers related to inflammation. It was awe.

I went to the dictionary to look up awe. The first definition listed was: wonder. I love that word!

I use it quite often. The opposite of wonder was listed as: fear. Letting go of fear has also been a huge theme for me. Here is an example of how the word wonder can re frame my negative thoughts in a wonderful way:

How can I function when my eyes hurt?

This question leads me to think about my pain and prevents me from being productive.

I wonder how I can function when my eyes hurt?

This question leads me to search instead for ways to cope. Then I am far more productive!

This display of desserts at a very fancy bakery filled me with awe. I was hunting for a beautiful slice of pie and cake for an illustration assignment! I wonder how I can stay on a diet?

So it does seem that I’ve achieved great healing in my life from awe. After decades of feeling stressed and discouraged, my world was filled with awe when I started creating music again.

Lately, there have been so many blessings in my life that continue to lift my spirits. Those joyful opportunities are the reason I’ve been able to overcome the physical pain and annoyance that I live with due to my eye condition.

Before I mention more about the many touching parts of my current life, I want to share more about my song’s title.

Like the last song that I composed named “In Every Smile,” I had many title ideas but nothing seemed to really hit me. My arranger, George liked the simple word “Peaceful.”

“Peaceful and Inspiring” was my very first idea, but then I also like “Nature’s Wonderland.” Any title with the word peaceful had me thinking of the Eagles song named, “Peaceful, Easy Feeling.” Weeks went by and I was still very indecisive.

My good friend, Amélie, was a stellar and accomplished poet. She and I were walking together for exercise and after one of our walks I played my song for her. I was a little intimidated to share lyrics that I definitely did not spend a lot of time crafting. I had hardly revised them at all since scrawling them out while feeling inspired by scenery during my trip.

Amélie was very thoughtful and encouraging. She told me she loved my song and said, “When I hear your song, I’m transported to the Pacific Northwest. I can even picture the time of day and weather you experienced when you wrote your lyrics. Why don’t you use a song title from a location you actually visited in Oregon? That would make your song unique and memorable.”

I liked her idea! So I looked at a map of the areas I had visited. Since my lyrics were about a mountain and beach experience, I looked for beaches with forests nearby.

I sent Amélie a list to see if anything sounded pleasing.

Judy: Amélie, here are a few beach names that might work: Cascade Head, Yaquina, Salem or Munsen.

Amélie: I like Cascade. Work with that word; it seems like the best one. Cascade Morning. Cascade Trail. Cascade Inspiration. Not Head, though. That suggests something else.

Judy: Ha Ha!!! I’m rolling off my chair with laughter! Let’s see: Cascade Memories, Cascade Escape, Cascade Wonderland, Cascade Dreams . . . “Cascade Dreams” sounds like the one!

Amélie: Well there we go, then! Good choice!

As much as I liked the title “Cascade Dreams,” I really treasured the words peaceful and inspired. I suddenly realized that my song had lifted my depression and a title with those emotions touched me more than one that was unique and pretty.

My uncertainty lifted and I was able to copyright my song as “Peaceful and Inspired.”

When I hear my song, I definitely see the path ahead of me as soft; the twists and turns are beautiful – instead of stressful.

Today is my father’s birthday; he died in 2012.

On his birthday three years ago I received a call from the nursing home telling me they could not wake him up for breakfast. The week that followed was such a horror, filled with many traumatic memories that have plagued me over the last three years. My father suffered terribly until he took his last breath five days later.

But I am amazed that I feel peaceful thinking of him today.

“Anniversaries of the Heart” and holidays can certainly trigger painful memories. Next weekend is Memorial Day.

That weekend carries poignant memories because my deceased son, Jason, was born on May 28th. I can hardly believe that Jason would have been 28 years old if he had lived. In my dreams, he is always a sweet 5-year-old angel.

When I remember Jason, I am peaceful and am not anguished like I once was.

Another example of peacefulness and inspiration happened for me on Mother’s Day two weeks ago. It has been two years since my mother died and that holiday could have been sad because I miss her so much.

But this past Mother’s Day filled me with awe! I treated my three children to dinner and a movie. My heart danced as I watched them laughing and conversing happily over dinner. When they were growing up, family outings were like torture for me. I suffered terribly trying to make them all “get along.”

How I wish I could have imagined this spectacular moment back then. My children were beaming at me. I felt their love and appreciation and marveled at how fortunate I was to have them all so close to me. On Mother’s Day, I didn’t forget my child, Jason who never had the chance to grow up.

I might not be as passionate about art as I am about music, but I do love my career.

My eye discomfort has been very tough for me to deal with, but it hasn’t interfered with my ability to work. I’m always amazed that I can see my computer well enough to do the many things I do even when my eyes are foggy and tired. It’s much easier now than in the past when family issues caused me so much stress that I could hardly concentrate.

I’ve decided to look at my eye problem as a “limp.” Sometimes, I limp with terrible pain and other times it’s just a limp.

But with amazement, I realize that lately I’ve been running with my “limp.” Instead of a slow and painful gait, I just hop along and have stopped wishing things were like they used to be when I felt “normal.” This seems to be my new “normal” now.

I continue to arrange songs, record vocals, play guitar, write stories, exercise (swim, walk or tennis) and create illustrations for the several projects I’ve been working on.

I also being savor being close and involved in my three childrens’ lives. I share a picture above with my daughter taken on a walk near my house.

Last month, my youngest son was in a play at his school. He asked me to write him a note to help him with his nervousness beforehand. (I hope he won’t mind my sharing it.)

I end my upbeat post with an image from one of my recent art assignments. It was definitely a piece of cake!

Tagged a soft path, acoustic guitar, awe, beach pictures, beach waves, beautiful green, caregivers, cascade dreams, cascading pools, composing, creativity, dealing with pvd, discouraged, discouraged about healing, dry eye, dry eye disease, dry eye support, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, eye discomfort, eye issues, eyesight adjustment, forest, Friendship, having hope, healing and grief, healing emotion, holding on to hope, hope, hope for healing, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, I'll take you home with me, I'm in awe, inner peace, inspiration, inspirational, inspired, Judy Unger, Koi, Living with dry eyes, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, mossy wood, Mother's Day, Music, music and healing, music and inspiration, nature's wonderland, optimism, Oregon coast, Oregon forest, original songs, pallette of shades, peaceful and inspired, red velvet cake, reframing thoughts, seashore, songwriting, staying hopeful, staying positive, strawberries, take you home, writing | 4 Comments

PEACEFUL

Posted on May 2, 2015 by Judy

I’m really glad I took my trip to Oregon. It was so beautiful to be outdoors! I’m enjoying the photos that I took of “nature’s wonderland.”

I’m really glad I took a vacation to Oregon last month. It was so beautiful to be outdoors! I’m enjoying the photos that I took of “nature’s wonderland.”

Below is a link to my newest song arrangement in progress:

Link to lyrics and recordings of my song Peaceful and Inspired: PEACEFUL AND INSPIRED

Because I’m busy illustrating, I might not be able to write for a while. I’m grabbing this opportunity to update my blog since I’m briefly in-between projects.

I’m so glad I could share that I’ve been feeling stronger and more upbeat despite my dry eye pain. Turning around my depression, which felt like a downward spiral has been amazing for me. I took very small “baby steps,” yet in many ways I moved with leaps and bounds. It was all because I changed my attitude.

On my last post about my eye condition, I had gone to see a private eye specialist who was outside of my HMO network. He was expensive and his opinion was that I most likely had glaucoma and there was already some damage.

I shared his report with my HMO and saw a glaucoma specialist two weeks later. After reviewing many tests, her opinion was that she saw no evidence of glaucoma. She only recommended that I come back in a year to have my eye pressures checked.

I let the outside specialist know what my HMO eye doctor said.

His response was: “I am pleased your pressure was lower and symmetric on that day. Often there is a delay in diagnosis and treatment of glaucoma due to fluctuations in pressure, just as hypertension may not be diagnosed on a day when the blood pressure is normal. I would recommend that you be evaluated at least every 4 months, not just with pressure checks, but also with quantitative perimetry and ocular coherence tomography for measurement of retinal nerve fiber layer thickness. Ultimately, if you do have glaucoma, one will see a progressive deterioration in those studies.”

I advocated for myself and made sure that my HMO would follow this outside specialist’s recommendation. As I result, I have an appointment scheduled in July.

I love puns, so I’ll start with one here.

All of this was a real “eye opener.” I was so down when I went to see the outside specialist. I wasn’t expecting worse news about my eyes and couldn’t handle hearing I had another eye disease. Neither doctor had any suggestions for treating my dry eyes, either.

But then I realized that worry and anxiety didn’t serve me in any way.

I went from total panic, to complete gratefulness. I do so many things with my eyes. I rely on them and they are working well enough for me to drive, illustrate, play tennis and edit music. I’ve decided that I can accept my eye pain somehow and find a way to live with it.

Having new glasses that help me see better is also helping me feel better.

I’ve continued to forge ahead with my music recording, composing and editing. Even when I’m illustrating, I still record vocals and work with my arranger once a week. My newest song might not be “catchy,” but it’s very mellow and beautiful. I haven’t decided what to name it, but the words “peaceful and inspiring” stand out to me. So does “nature’s wonderland.”

I try to perform ever week or so at Kulak’s Woodshed, which is close to my house. I really do have to force myself to go out at night. I’d prefer not to be singing in front of people and lights, but sharing my music is meaningful and I want to keep up my confidence.

I’ve thought of playing at other venues, but I’m comfortable at Kulak’s. It is a songwriter’s venue, not a restaurant – that translates to a more attentive audience. Kulak’s also provides a video recording and I’m always hoping to get a strong performance I could share on YouTube.

I treasure a warm audience with lots of clapping. Less pleasant noises would be sirens, squeaking doors and people whispering. I’ve had loud coughing on some recordings and one time, a man let out a loud snore while I was singing. Kulak’s is “animal friendly” and now I can say I’ve performed with a dog barking!

When that happened this past week, I now see it as hilarious, even though I didn’t feel that way at the time. Perhaps there’s some hidden message because the dog barked after I sang the words of “set you free.”

When I finished, I said, “We can forgive the dog; looks like he was having a ruff day!”

But as I packed up my guitar, I felt like I was the one who had a ruff day. It took me considerable energy to perform and I was disappointed by what had happened. I lost my concentration after the dog barked during both of the songs I performed.

When I walked outside to leave, a couple came over to me and begged me to take their spot so I could replay my songs. Of course, I told them I wouldn’t do that. They kept telling me how sorry they were for the dog’s interruption. I believed them and told them I wasn’t upset.

I just let it go – like any other disappointment, I moved on knowing I’d have other opportunities in my future to perform again.

Just for fun, here are those ruff performance excerpts:

Performance of Set You Free 4-28-15 with a bark

Performance of Every Season 4-28-15 with a bark

I am currently working on two illustration projects and another large one (21 illustrations) is likely. I am humming along to music as I work. I find it wonderful to have a brand new song, which is peaceful and inspiring.

Lately, that is how I’m feeling. It is such a blessing after struggling with depression and feeling hopeless.

I’ll share my new song with a vocal when it’s finished.

Below is a link to another new post on my art blog. I wrote six new posts for “Illustrating My Life” before my recent onslaught of assignments. There’s more to come.

#50 TRANSFORMING MY LIFE

My life is still transforming! I am so blessed.

I end this post by sharing correspondence with Nancy Ohanian, my former college art teacher:

On Apr 27, 2015, Judy wrote:

Hi Nanc!

I’ve been thinking of you a lot. I hope you are well.

I’m still busy with my music and having fun gathering final masters. I have so many done now! I did publish my first CD of Instrumentals. Committing to a vocal CD is a lot harder for me. Right now I have about 5 albums of songs and I can’t decide which one will go first.

I had a big scare with my eyes. I saw an outside specialist who said I had glaucoma and damage from it. Since then – I saw another doctor who disagreed. It’s been tough, but I’m managing somehow.

Out of the blue, I decided to write again for my art blog. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done that for 4 years – where did the time go? (Taking care of parents and divorcing LOL).

I definitely think there’s a lot of information there that your students might appreciate. Love you lots and hope you’re well!

Love, Jude

Dear amazing sweet, Judy!

Your email reminded me to have another look at your blog… OMG!

It is off-the-charts comprehensive, incredible, beautiful, HONEST, funny (with Judy-puns) and should be required reading for art students everywhere. Ha ha!!

It’s easy to forget some of the insanely remarkable things you did. Do you ever look back at an image and say, “I can’t believe I did that…?”

It is satisfying to read your happy voice talking about your music. I love what you’re doing. It’s so brave and so you and so right.

It is also concerning to read about your eyes. It’s truly important and wise that you got another opinion regarding what’s going on. No doubt it is difficult. It’s one day at a time.

I love you Judy!! Thanks for being such a beautiful friend.

xoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

Thanks for your sweet message, Nan!!!

Thank you for considering me to be brave with my music. I’m in no rush to go anywhere and have really enjoyed my renaissance. I’m not going to let my eye issues destroy that.

I really don’t think my art is that amazing – but I consider myself to be resourceful and practical. My motto of “whatever works” is truly the key. (That works for music, too!)

I’ll tell you what was insanely remarkable for me – something you could truly appreciate. I was looking for emails with the art director’s feedback and saw messages about my mother and how sick she was. When I illustrated those bars – my mom died while I was working on that project.

I cannot imagine how I was able to work and honestly wonder how I did it.

I hope you know how much I treasure you and your words.

Love, Jude

Tagged acoustic guitar, art business, beach pictures, beach waves, composing, creativity, discouraged about healing, dry eye disease, dry eye syndrome, dry eyes, eye discomfort, eye issues, eye pain, eye problems, eyesight adjustment, eyesight issues, ferns, food illustrator, forest, glaucoma, HMO, holding on to hope, hope for healing, hope of healing, hopeful and optimistic, I'll take you home with me, Illustration, inspiration, Judy Unger, Living with dry eyes, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, maintaining hope, mother's illness, Music, music and healing, nature's wonderland, optimism, Oregon, Oregon coast, original songs, performing, seashore, singing, songwriting, specialist, staying hopeful, staying positive | 3 Comments

BURSTING WITH PRIDE

Posted on April 27, 2015 by Judy

I appreciate having such a wonderful blog audience. That is why I want to share about a post on my “other blog” that is listed on the right side (under the blogroll) named “Illustrating My Life.”

It has been FOUR years since I’ve added a post to that blog. Where did the time go?

I could answer that quickly with the realization that both my parents died and I ended a long marriage to begin a new life. And add one more year to giving myself time to heal and recover.

I’m still healing and recovering but excited to write about my insight that my art career never really ended. I had pretty much written it off because I had quite a few slow years.

Last year, it was such a blessing that I received significant income as an illustrator. And the main reason was due to one fantastic client: Tillamook. I am very excited to share these new stories!

#46 TILLAMOOK WAS ALL IT TOOK

#47 LAYERS IN MY LIFE, PART 1

#48 LAYERS IN MY LIFE, PART 2

#49 I RAISED THE BAR (AND TOOK A BITE)

#50 TRANSFORMING MY LIFE