THE DOOR – PART 4

This image will be on the back of my upcoming vocal CD release.  I went through the door and a pine forest is a beautiful image of following my dreams.

This image will be on the back of my upcoming vocal CD release. I went through the door and a pine forest represents a beautiful image where I am going to follow my dreams.

Clicking the blue link plays audio:

THE DOOR #5-12/25/15 Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

The Door Acoustic-5/10/16 Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

THE DOOR

Copyright 2015 by Judy Unger

When I close the door and it’s no secret anymore

Then you’ll know; how sad we were together

I left you long ago

When the closet is bare, empty spaces everywhere

But you knew, the truth that I was absent

My distance only grew

 

When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

 I would be ok, even though love went away

My soul I could restore, if I went through that door

 

When the sheets are still; silence a TV cannot fill

All those years, pretending I was happy

I cried so many tears

As you look upon the empty spaces when I’m gone

You must face, the love you took for granted

with every empty space

When love went away, I just couldn’t stay

It was time; I knew it then

To begin my life again

I would be ok, even though love went away

I left because I was worth more

I went through the door

 

Link to other stories about this song:

Story behind THE DOOR-PART 1

Story behind THE DOOR-PART 2

Story behind THE DOOR-PART 3

https://youtu.be/cLg-He1HF54

On my new version of this song, I made a lyric change. I didn’t like singing “vanished.” The new line became, “The love you took for granted.”

On my new version of this song, I made a lyric change. I didn’t like singing “vanished.” The new line became, “The love you took for granted.”

I’ve written about the theme of letting go with many of my songs.

It was nearly impossible for me to let go when my young son died. I let go of my own life for a long time. Inside I felt like I died with him and it was a struggle to simply wake up every morning.

When both my parents died, it was terrible to see their suffering. The process of adjusting to their absence has not been easy. But I have adjusted and I know they would be proud of me.

Letting go of fear has been another theme for me. It took courage for me to leave my marriage of over three decades.

Unlike losing a child, divorce is commonplace so it surprises me that I’ve felt so isolated. Even though my marriage held little affection or companionship, I find myself mourning all of the dreams I once had. And I often bury myself with guilt over destroying my former husband’s dreams.

Now that three years have gone by since my announcement, my children seem to have adjusted to this huge change in their lives. But after many years of taking care of my former husband, I live with the knowledge that I upended his life. He never expected I would leave and I try not to think of myself as a traitor.

My ex-husband has taken full advantage of his position. Recently I have felt very angry with some of his choices that affect our children. I am not very good at dealing with anger. It is frustrating because I cannot write or talk about it as much as I wish I could.

The thought that constantly occupies my mind has been, “I don’t deserve this!” as well as, “His children don’t deserve this!”

What a huge trigger of sadness that is for me. It sends me to a place of thinking about all the things I’ve dealt with that weren’t fair in my life – and that is on top of my empty marriage.

Anger and guilt are two wrestling emotions that love to hide in my shadow. I turn around with surprise to find them still there behind me. And I desperately want to let both of them go.

Three years ago, it was a 4th of July I’d never forget. Only a few days before I had finally gotten the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. We continued to sleep in the same bed and on Independence Day we had a family outing with our children to watch fireworks like we always had.

I was numb and in a fog. I carried chairs and a bag with snacks for everyone; I walked far ahead of my husband. Our children pretended they were fine. As the fireworks above exploded, I felt my head and heart flinch with every crackle. I was digesting the awareness that my life was forever changed and his was, too. I was the perpetrator of so much unhappiness!

There are many lyric lines in my song “The Door,” which give me insight. The first line of my chorus is the one that sets the stage for me to leave with the words of: “When love went away, I just couldn’t stay. . .”

And the most powerful line is: “I left because I was worth more.” That line is my antidote for “I don’t deserve this.”

I see a door as a metaphor for making a choice. Leaving (or even staying) is a choice, just like letting go. And choices are empowering. For me, I had lived too many years worrying about making everyone around me happy. I wanted to pursue my dreams without constant criticism and pressure. This was all about feeling that my life was valuable enough for me to take a chance at finding happiness.

I’m not worth more than my ex-husband. He deserves to be happy, too. He was very unhappy with our relationship even if he couldn’t admit it to me. I stayed for a long time because I was afraid of changing my life. It was an abyss that seemed terrifying to jump into.

How in the world would I survive? I married when I was 21 and never lived on my own before that. I’m self-employed and an artist. Would I be able to support myself?

It seems that I’ve overcome my fears because I most certainly have survived.

In this picture, I am standing looking out the door of my former house I lived in for almost twenty years.

In this picture, I am standing looking out the door of my former house I lived in for almost twenty years.

My song “The Door” gave me the courage to change my life. This new arrangement definitely pulls at my heartstrings; I feel comforted with every word.

For the last three years, I’ve focused my life upon healing through singing my songs. I make choices that lead me to peace and inspiration. It’s no coincidence that my last song composition was named “Peaceful and Inspired.”

But I want to move forward now to go through some new doors. The best way for me to do that is to remain in a state of awe and wonder.

I am in awe that I actually had the courage to change my life.

I am in awe that my words and songs touch so many people.

I am in awe that at one of my recent performances, one of my songs caused another person to cry.

I am in awe that I have learned to accept the many painful parts of my life, and that includes living with dry eyes.

I am in awe of the beautiful music that flows from me and helps me to heal.

I am eager to share my journey again.

Anger and guilt might still linger in my shadow, but I’m not going to avoid the sunlight anymore to prevent that.

Before this year ends, I will be releasing a lot of CD's. Here's a promotion picture for my instrumental CD I released last month.

Before this year ends, I will be releasing a lot of CD’s. Here’s a promotion picture for my instrumental CD I released last month.

This picture is important for mic placement. I am planning to record an album of acoustic guitar.

This picture is important for mic placement. I am planning to record an album of acoustic guitar in the near future, as well.

Recording Guitar

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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7 Responses to THE DOOR – PART 4

  1. jmgoyder says:

    Wow THE DOOR is fantastic. My friend is on the brink of leaving her husband and her story is like yours in some ways. They told their nearly grown up kids a couple of days ago then invited Ming and me for dinner last night so it’s all amicable and the husband is so sorry. Just listened to the arrangement for THE UNKNOWN – stunning!

    Like

    • Judy says:

      Thank you, Julie! I can always count on you to leave me a comment that puts a smile on my face. So interesting about your friend. There has been a noticeable increase in divorces after long marriages – the name for it is “gray divorce.” Well, I sang a vocal for “The Unknown” today and it’s coming along. What great therapy that was for me. My divorce seemed amicable, but lately things have been a bit unsettling. I just hold my head up and have no regrets about changing my life. I think about you often on the other side of the world. When I actually have a vocal CD that I’m selling – I will mail you one right away to share it!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. dear friend i am at a loss for words when i read your interpretation of the events surrounding your “awakening.” you are so gifted and talented! it is sad your ex did not appreciate these gifts as well as your sharp wit and humor. it is sad that he chooses to make choices that have a negative impact on those who deserve his love and protection. if anyone was a “traitor” in this sad story it is he.

    you know how we feel about you and it is hard for me to think someone so full of joy and laughter endured so many years of heartbreak. sending love and hugs

    Like

    • Judy says:

      Ah – you’ve made me all teary, Sandra. I see my husband less as a traitor, and more about trying to cope with figuring out his life after so many sad years also. I wish him well. I am overflowing with love and have kept my children protected. It is the greatest blessing in my life. He is missing out on so much by distancing himself from them. I did not know that I was living with such emptiness and would have continued that way if I hadn’t had my awakening. I am so grateful and plan to make every day count. Always fun to share humor with you and looking forward to doing that in person later this year!

      Like

  3. beebeesworld says:

    Very nice, Judy, you are SO talented! beebee

    Liked by 1 person

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