myjourneysinsight

I CAN’T EXPRESS WHAT IS NOT REAL

Posted on September 18, 2010 by Judy

Link to more about my song: YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

My post title is from my song “You’re Not the One.” I was very honest with the very first song I ever wrote.

I am still on my journey. Perhaps I will continue to write for the rest of my life. But “my journey’s insight” is certainly a very special time for me.

Yesterday, as I saw Jason’s memorial candle flickering, I had the awareness that this day was filled with new challenges beyond grief. The opera of his death didn’t play out for me; that ended years ago. The best word I to describe my feelings is “poignancy.” I cry easily, but am definitely not sad.

At my last voice lesson, something very interesting occurred for me. I had great difficult singing for my teacher, Peaches. On every song I sang, I would reach an emotional part. As my breath escaped my lips and the notes quivered, I would burst into laughter.

9/16 LESSON W. PEACHES – LAUGHTER & TEARS

9/16 LESSON – JAMMING W. PEACHES

9/16 LESSON W. PEACHES – JUST A TUNE

It happened more than a few times. Peaches was rolling on the floor, too, because each and every time it was totally unexpected. I tried to explain to her what it was about.

It was actually because I was so euphoric about the beauty of my song and my improved voice!

When I reached parts that were so exquisite for me, I couldn’t help but to release my joy as laughter. It was such a contrast to the emotional lyrics I was singing at that moment!

At this moment I am having difficulty writing. Several days ago, I woke up at night and both my hands were asleep. I shook them; the tingling was annoying at first and soon became painful.

Each day became progressively worse, especially at night. I contacted my doctor and he told me to come in and pick up some braces for my hands. His feeling was that it sounded like carpal tunnel issues.

I was hopeful it would just go away. When what started out initially as annoying became agonizing,

I woke up with agony at 2:00 a.m., so I put on the braces. It wasn’t “comfortable” wearing them, however, at least I wasn’t in terrible pain. As I removed both the braces this morning, I willed my stiff hands to obey me. They did not feel like my own hands anymore.

It is hurting as I type this so I must stop soon.

Message from the cantor, yesterday:

Can you please do me a favor, and write out the introduction to the song and email it to me? As I mentioned last night, we need to keep it brief because of time constraints… Thanks so much, I’m looking forward to hearing you tomorrow!

My reply:

My name is Judy Unger and my 5-year-old son, Jason died 19 years ago. His actual Yartzeit was yesterday, and the day before Yom Kippur will always be painful for me. This is my first time in temple for this holiday in over twenty years due to my sadness.

I was very sad for many years after his death. It changed for me this year when I decided to start playing my music again. I am a passionate songwriter and have composed many songs.

Now that my music has made me happy, I feel blessed to be able to share a most meaningful song that speaks to the loss of my son. My song is called, “Beside Me Always”

I read the lyrics to it at his funeral.

Today my heartache intensified with the chill in the air. I received a message from my friend, Marge, this morning. She had read something I wrote about regarding grief; where people made insensitive remarks.

I received this lovely card from friend, Marge. Such a thoughtful, handmade card. She even included a tea bag in the envelope!

Judy,

How nice of you to reach out and share your story with the grieving mom and letting the rest of us witness your wisdom too. If I was one of those you wrote about, who said well-intentioned things that ended up being hurtful, I do apologize…all these many years later.

Love, Margie

Margie,

I was actually thinking of myself! I said well-intentioned, stupid things and believe it or not – I still do. Recently, even Sonia snapped at me! But I understood.

I surround myself with wonderful friends – whom I have never felt angry with. It was upsetting when someone would lecture me to “get on with my life” or “get over it.” Words that expressed I could always have another child made me angry.

You are a bereaved sibling and in that we are linked. You totally understand and I shed a tear that you would even apologize! Julian is in my heart every time I visit Jason’s grave.

Love, Judy

Ps. I hope you don’t mind that I shared your beautiful card on my blog.

Wow — I’ve been published! No, I don’t mind that you posted my card.

How sweet that you think of Julian when you visit Jason. And when I visit Julian’s grave, I always think of you sitting on the ledge near Julian’s grave at the funeral, staring off in the distance pensively. I often sit where you sat to relive your presence.

Love, Margie

Your description of me on that rocky ledge brought tears to my eyes. I really felt the change of weather today.

Love, Judy

Marge and I with our babies that were close in age. This is my youngest son.

My oldest son is on my shoulders in this picture taken with Marge.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, Beside Me Always, composing, creativity, death of a child, Friendship, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, lyric development, Music, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons | 2 Comments

SEEMS LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE I’VE WAITED

Posted on September 16, 2010 by Judy

My electric Yartzeit candle for Jason.

Every year it’s always the same.

The anniversary of Jason’s death awaits me. There are so many emotions that surround all of this.

I have been very close to my mom throughout my life. When I was in my mid-twenties I finally went through a period of rebellion, which I believe was quite delayed. At that time, I confronted both my parents for their expectations that I would follow their pathway – mostly it was about religious choices, but there were also some deeper, more personal issues I have not yet written about.

Being that my mom was very religious, the fact that I scheduled Jason’s surgery the day before Yom Kippur was quite a burden for me to carry after he died. My parents purchased a very expensive plaque at their temple, and every year my mother reminded me to light a candle.

I had no problem with that at all. However, it always gave me two days to mourn. I still mourn his death on October sixth of every year, as well.

While in my twenties, one of the issues I had confronted my parents about was attending services. I felt forced throughout my childhood to attend services with them. Now they were forced to accept that I would no longer join them at their temple.

After my son died, I was zombie-like and unhappy for a long time. I did whatever helped me feel better. Therefore, I avoided attending services because being in a temple did not bring me any solace.

Tomorrow is Jason’s Jewish death day or “Yarzeit.” In two days, I will be performing my emotional song for him in front of a lot of people at my temple.

I did take my children to family services a few times, however, this Saturday would be the first time in twenty-five years attending an adult service on this holiday.

I’ve felt spiritual lately, and reborn. My voice and my soul are very connected. Although there is no guarantee I won’t make a mistake, I’ve decided I’m human and I’ll simply do the best I can when I play my song.

I’m ready.

A card I received from my mom – she always sent me cards every year. She hasn’t said anything this year yet.

A card I received yesterday from my friend, Susan. She has been so supportive of my writing and music.

9/16/10 LESSON WITH PEACHES ABOUT PERFORMING BESIDE ME ALWAYS

I drove to our temple for a sound check that was in preparation for my performance there on Saturday. Just that afternoon I had gone to have an electric pickup installed on my guitar. It was something I had waited awhile to do. Now I felt like a real musician and a “rocker!” (Just kidding about the rocker part.) I was eager to learn how to use the volume control and understand about my guitar’s “new sound.”

When I arrived, the temple choir was still practicing. Our temple has a new cantor whom I’d never met. She came over to me and warmly shook my hand. The cantor asked me, “Do you want to sit or stand behind the pulpit?”

I looked around the room. I told her I liked being out in front, and not behind anything. In fact, I wanted to stand right on the first step in front of all the people. I had already decided I would stand, and I had brought my favorite guitar strap with me.

The soundman inserted a wire into my new pickup. I hit a few notes of Farewell, and as the volume was brought up the room filled with beautiful notes. Both the cantor and soundman went to the back of the room. They motioned for me to “go ahead.”

“Okay, I’m going to run it through,” I said.

I began to play. I forgot my own song’s structure! I went right from the first verse into the instrumental. I recovered and played the second verse. Rather than repeat the instrumental, I went to the ending. I hit another wrong chord, but hoped it wasn’t noticed.

Despite making such a big error, I sang with my voice connected with my heart. It was noisy as I began my song. The temple choir was on a break and everyone was chatting away. After a few lines of my singing, the room became quieter.

The cantor was in the back when I finished. She walked forward down the aisle and came over to me. Tears were streaming down her face and her sniffling was audible. She was quite moved by my song.

She said, “You definitely need to say something about your song and your son – it makes it so meaningful because you are so honest!”

I haven’t yet decided what I’ll say.

Tagged acoustic guitar, composing, death of a child, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lyric development, Music, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons | Leave a comment

JUST A TUNE TO TELL YOU – PART 1

Posted on September 15, 2010 by Judy

In April of this year, I wrote about my close friendship with Cheryl. At that time, I shared my original lyrics to my song, “Just a Tune.” I also arranged this special song for her. Clicking the blue link below plays my song:

Just a Tune Arrangement 2015

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Embarassing and amazing – a brief recording of my song from 34 years ago!

Just a Tune – Excerpt from a cassette recording by Judy in 1980

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I adored Cheryl, and fondly remember what great times we had before I got married. She deeply shared my music with me.

I wasn’t ready to record this song until I resolved some lyric issues that bothered me. In many places on the original lyrics, the rhymes weren’t “perfect rhymes” (for example, friend and again). Worse yet, some syllables were sung on and on – especially on the word “again.” The song was far too long with four choruses; I shortened it to three. Gradually, I resolved all of those issues.

This song has a lullaby sound and gentle quality to it. It reminds me of certain songs that I sang by John Denver and Cat Stevens; I can definitely feel their influence.

Cheryl was very close with me during the time that I was intensely writing many of my songs. She inspired me on at least five of my songs. This song would be the song that was clearly the one I most considered a special gift to her.

Although Cheryl passed away two years ago, she lives on in my music.

I had decided that presently whenever I sang this song, I wasn’t thinking of her – I was actually thinking of how my life has changed and how happy I’ve been.

I changed one line of lyric to especially fit how I felt at the moment. That line was the one that originally said, “And what it means to be a friend.” I changed it to: “And what it means to be my own best friend.

A lot of credit for that goes to someone named Connie.

My original music transcription for my song, Just A Tune.

“Today’s recording experience”

I arrived at George’s studio this morning eager to record my song. George told me this song should be kept simple.

When we were finished I asked George, “How do you like these last songs of mine? They’re certainly not hit material!”

He answered, “Look Jude, these last two songs seem very personal; they’re harder to relate to. You know what I mean?”

I did. I told him my remaining songs that followed would continue to be even more so.

Then, George made an interesting remark. He said, “Remember when you asked me if I miss doing my own music? Well, Jude, when I’m working on your songs it feels like I’m doing something special of my own in some way. And actually, have I ever told you that I believe in past lives? I’m sure in some past life we were both composers!”

I perked up with that remark – recently, I have felt that way. It’s as if the music I have heard in my head came from somewhere outside of me. Perhaps in a past life I was a composer.

I drove home listening to my song; I remembered Cheryl and began to cry. I missed her so much.

She had lived far away. We seldom spoke or saw each other much over the years. I tried to convince myself that it was sadness for the nostalgia of my youth. Preparing for this post meant I went through my memorabilia box again. Reading all of her cards and letters again hit me hard. Would I ever feel that way about anyone in my life ever again? I decided that becoming “my own best friend” was the answer. It was time for me fill myself up with the gift that I was given. My gratefulness to God was endless.

JUST A TUNE

Just a tune to tell you, you’ve been on my mind

I’m so thankful for our love

you’re someone I never dreamed I’d find.

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You’ve shown me how to care

I’m blessed because you were always there

But with everything you have given me

The greatest gift was that moment when

I could feel love again.

Just a tune to tell you, you’ve inspired me

don’t know how I lived without you

before we met I was so empty

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You’ve helped my heart to mend

From you I’ve learned to be my own best friend

But with everything you have given me

The greatest gift was that moment when

I could feel love again

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For such a long time I felt alone

You came along, filled me with song

and love I’ve never known

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Just a tune to tell you, love made my life new

My broken heart has healed

it began from the moment I met you

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You’ve shown me how to care

and what it means to be my own best friend

but with everything you have given me

the greatest gift was that moment when

I could feel love

I could feel again

Now I can feel love again

A page from my diary in 1980.

Clicking on this brings it up larger.

Tagged acoustic guitar, be my own best friend, being your own best friend, best friend, Cheryl Kessler, Cheryl Rocke, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, death, falling in love again, Finding love again, Friendship, grief and friendship, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, humor daily life, inspiration, Judy Unger, just a tune, loss, loss of a close friend, loss of a friend, love song, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, optimism, Ordinary Life, original songs, parenting, rediscovering love, shown me how to care, singing, songwriting, that moment when, what it means to be a friend, writing | Leave a comment

HER SONG UNSUNG

Posted on September 11, 2010 by Judy

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A later story about this song: Story behind MY SONG UNSUNG-PART 2

I originally called my song on this post, “This Song Unsung.” It was one of my favorite songs because of the song’s pleasant chord progression. I wrote it as a simple ballad about playing my music and discovering love.

The original song was in first person with “I” statements. Since it was beautiful but brief; I decided it could be expanded. The challenge of writing new lyrics to add onto it was something I spent a lot of time pondering. I spent several weeks hoping “an ending would unfold for me.”

Since the song was already biographical, it became logical for me to go ahead and create an ending moving forward in time. It was painful to write the new verses. Because the lyrics were now in third person, I changed the song name to “Her Song Unsung.”

To be honest, This Song Unsung was not written originally about my husband. Just as the lyrics to my song Crystal Oceans and You Are My Wings show, I was a shameless romantic.

Finding my old diary pages about the song prove that!

On my revised song version, I went ahead with the assumption that I found love, got married, and continued my story that way.

My life is very optimistic right now. There is no doubt that my optimism translated to the ending.

HER SONG UNSUNG

Experience was just so cold

She lived wearing a blindfold

But all her pain was overcome

By heart-torn lyric and a strum

She played her songs on countless shores

In quiet shade of sycamores

But by moonlight he overheard

And listened to her every word

He came to her without a sound

Emerged from his hiding place

His eyes revealed he was spellbound

He touched her without an embrace

So she wrote for him her song unsung

and at that time, she was so young

they became husband and wife

her music stopped with her new life

But with the years, their lives were hard

the magic went away

and so in time, their love was scarred

for with sadness she couldn’t play

Then one day she shared her pain inside

her love returned; it had not died

though she was no longer young

she finally sang her song unsung

Music and the joy now filled her soul

The place was filled, where was a hole

and in his arms she did belong

her life became her love song

The original song lyrics for “This Song Unsung.”

Pages from my diary when I was 19 years old.

For five months I have been absorbing music intensely and my improvement is something I had no expectations of.

All along the way, I’ve been documenting each step. I began writing in February and then in May, I began voice lessons. I started recording my songs with a musical arranger named George not long after that. I actually saved a Craigslist ad with George’s phone number in my drawer for two years!

Hearing how much my voice has changed has given me incredible satisfaction! From the very beginning, my vocal coach, Peaches, told me that would happen and would continue. Her encouragement has fueled me. She has also given me extremely helpful songwriting tips that I’ve incorporated into my song recordings.

I’ve put a lot of energy into remembering how to play my songs. Technically, I had a lot of skill to regain after not playing my guitar for thirty years. One of the biggest changes for me was the acceptance of my new, lower voice. That required me to transpose all of my songs into different keys and create new chord instrumentation! The process has been painstaking, but wondrous for me.

What I had found a roadblock initially, because I didn’t want to change my songs, actually made my songs improve!

At this point many of my songs will be redone, or perhaps only the vocals will be re-recorded. In some cases, I hear different kinds of arrangements. Initially, I had no sense of how to even create an arrangement!

But now, I’ve begun to understand the nuances of tempo, keys, and the kind of instrumentation that can enhance my song. George is truly gifted at what he does. He is so talented at creating beautiful riffs and choosing instruments. Through our collaboration, I have absorbed an enormous amount of information over the past few months.

In addition, I have gained confidence again as a songwriter. I have written new verses and melodies for two of my songs: So Real and Crystal Oceans.

Songwriting is a fascinating process for me. It cannot be rushed. I am waiting for new lyrics to my wedding song to unfold for me. That is the last song I composed when I was twenty-one. It is complex and quite beautiful. I want to change the lyrics on my “personal wedding” song to make the song more “generic.” My original version, which I played on my wedding day had Michael’s name as part of the lyrics.

I would term many of my songs that are not yet recorded as “unconventional.” Some of them do not have choruses and verses in a traditional sense. Many of them have very unusual and dissonant chord progressions.

One of them is extremely heartbreaking to sing because I use lyrics about death. I plan to record all these songs.