myjourneysinsight

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE – PART 1

Posted on September 26, 2010 by Judy

After posting this story, I received a comment below that was quite a surprise (an understatement!)

I’m nervous to share my singing voice. I’ve improved a lot since 2013.

Link to more about my song: YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

what we had, I took away

there was nothing left at all anyway

you spoke of love, but it’s just a word

I can’t fall for that line that I’ve heard, before . . .

I’m sorry you’re hurt; I just couldn’t lie

I have empty feelings, and I don’t know why

I had to end it; I know it’s unfair

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to care, for another. . .

you demanded things I did not feel

I can’t express what is not real

the love you wanted wasn’t there

the pain you’ll just have to bear

now that you’re gone, I can say honestly

what we had is still special to me

I look back and remember the fun

it’s just I realize you’re not the one, you’re not the one

you’re not the one for me

Below is a thirty-year-old recording of my song. I’m no longer embarrassed to share my younger, high voice.

I share because it is part of my story.

I loved the colors on my prom dress!

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, boyfriend dilemmas, break up song, breaking up, breakups, composing, creativity, dating memories, first love, guitar, Humor, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, prom pictures, singing, songwriting, You're Not the One | 2 Comments

THE VERY FIRST SONG I EVER WROTE

Posted on September 26, 2010 by Judy

This calligraphy is to an unfinished song, which I’m certain I’ll never record!

Link to the very first song I ever wrote. More about my song: YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

This whole songwriting thing started for me when I was learning guitar at the age of sixteen. I loved playing my guitar! I spent a lot of time trying to replicate the guitar parts on any song that had audible guitar accompaniment. A diary page below tells how I discovered the chords for the guitar part on the Bread song, “Aubrey.” Of course, I also knew how to replicate the guitar for their song, “Diary.”

I have written many times that I was a “fickle young girl.” I don’t even know if that’s the best description. I am certain immaturity would be a better word; those “fickle qualities” seem very unflattering for me now.

I have changed so much to reach what would be considered “maturity.”

When I was a teenager I grappled a lot with deciding which guys I liked, while at the same time dating several. I dated one of my first boyfriends for a fairly long time. We dated on and off for four years, starting from when I was fifteen. We were two years apart in age, so I attended his prom and he attended mine.

Looking back, I am not proud of my actions! I can honestly say that I wasn’t very kind. I would break things off with him, and then after a period of time I would miss him. I’d get in touch with him and we would try again. I was so immature that I told him I’d see him on New Year’s Eve and then I made plans with someone else (actually my future husband).

When I had to choose my New Year’s plan that year, I was very stressed out! I wrote a lot about this dilemma in my diary. I like supporting my story with my diary musings.

I can’t even believe I’m writing this; the last time when I broke it off, I kissed him first. Then I told him that I didn’t have feelings for him. He looked at me and said, “What is this – a Hollywood movie? You kiss me and then tell me, it’s over?”

I don’t remember exactly when I felt inspired to write my first song, “You’re Not the One” but I clearly remember my friend, Elena, harmonizing beautifully as I sang it. Elena was an accomplished musician and she liked my song! That gave me confidence to continue composing and writing music.

So I think I’ve written enough about the story behind the first song I ever wrote. I would love to rewrite some of the lyrics, but I’ve decided to leave them as testimony about a sweet song written by an immature, young girl.

My song lyrics and recording of the song, “You’re Not the One” are on a separate post.

Tagged acoustic guitar, boyfriends, breakup song, breakups, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, dating, lyric compositon, lyric development, lyrics, Music, original song, performing, songwriting, writing | Leave a comment

I’VE SLOWLY WEPT

Posted on September 25, 2010 by Judy

I am holding Jason. He is probably about three-years-old there.

I described my symptoms to Connie. There was the tingling and numbness – I could manage with that. There was the stiffness, especially in the morning. That was very upsetting, because I couldn’t use my hands. But worst of all were the spasms. The pain was unbelievable, and it was always the same. It would awaken me in the early morning hours – just as I finally fell into a deep sleep. My fingers were hot, throbbing, and intensely aching.

I would have to jump out of bed and dance around in the bathroom to search for any position that would alleviate the pain. I had some relief after my visit with the physical therapist yesterday. However, the important part was that I had a different perspective. I was determined I could overcome this sudden condition that has afflicted me.

When I played my guitar in the evening at Border’s, my numbness returned.

Then late at night, the painful spasms returned again. This time I massaged my own hand and gritted my teeth. I didn’t mention to Connie that I had a powerful image. The pain was once again a “lion,” except I pictured myself holding a whip to it!

Last week, I had to answer a question for Connie. Did I believe that my subconscious mind might be able to manifest numbness in a physical way?

I wanted to believe that. However, as much as I wanted to, it wasn’t something I readily grasped. It just didn’t seem possible that I could have stress that would cause these symptoms. My life was joyful, even with my current challenges. These symptoms were causing me stress!

Today, I told Connie about something interesting that happened to me last week. I had lunch with three women. While I was engaged in conversation with one of the women, she told me she had experienced numbing pain that was similar to mine. It had happened suddenly also. She had all the same tests done and everything came up negative. I listened raptly to her story. She said, “My doctor told me that it was stress related. After I knew that, I relaxed and my symptoms went away.”

After hearing that, I was able to acknowledge that perhaps I was open to the possibility that this pain was a manifestation of thoughts. The explanation of how our body forces us to “pay attention,” did make sense for me.

Gently, Connie mentioned she knew this a difficult time of year for me.

I told her, “Yes, on top of my seasonal sadness, I’ve had a lot of responsibility.” Lately, dealing with both my parent’s care was reminiscent of steering Jason’s medical course. I’ve felt especially responsible for my mother’s destiny.

I want to remember my parents this way.

My hand pain had me feeling discouraged and angry. Connie encouraged me to feel more loving toward them. “Look at your painful arms and think loving thoughts about them,” she suggested.

The last revelation was the most painful.

Connie said, “I remember you telling me something about that certain phone call at night – the one where you knew Jason had died. What time did that happen?”

It wasn’t hard for me to make the connection. I wave of sadness hit me as the realization came. It actually was around the same time as my spasms.

Perhaps it was that when I was sleeping, my subconscious forced me to pay attention.

Now there was work that I needed to do. I had too many negative thoughts affecting me; my thoughts were definitely not helpful. I tried to simplify the negative dialog into simple statements that were positive and uplifting.

I started with my thoughts regarding my mother’s situation. I decided that when dealing with my mother’s dementia I would think of the “abundant love” she showered me with throughout my life. My mother always made me feel like I was the most important person in the universe.

I said, “Yes, thinking of my mother’s love would help me to cope; to deal with the different person she’s become.”

All of this brought to mind the new song I wanted to share with Connie. I had brought my guitar. I asked her if I could share it with her now.

I sang my new lyrics in the quiet of the guesthouse. I was able to manage it without crying, though I choked on the very last line, “the memory of love is always there.”

It was time for hypnosis. I was very emotional. My eyes were closed, but tears managed to seep out under the closed lids. As I was awakening, I thought I heard her voice gently saying, “The memory of love is always there.” It was the last line from my new song’s lyrics.

I opened my eyes; my cheeks were still wet. I said in a soft voice, “That would be a great song title, you know. The memory of love – I like that! Song titles are very important. I must go home and see if that one is taken.”

I went home and reworked my song a little more to incorporate those words better. I did a song title search and nothing came up.

I had found my song title.

I was preparing to record an old song tomorrow, and to post this before going to bed. I wasn’t sure what pictures I could add to this post. I always add pictures. Recently I had scanned a lot of pictures of Jason. I anticipated I would want them in the coming weeks.

Today, I allowed myself to accept that perhaps my joy was tempered considerably by the approaching anniversary of his death. I decided to add a few of his pictures.

I chose two pictures that really showed how tiny and skeletal he was. He vomited every day. There was lot of trauma there seeing those pictures. So many times I’ve had thoughts surrounding this.

But then I remembered. The simplest thought came to me. It was always there.

The memory of love . . .

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Caregiving, child's death, composing, creativity, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Hypnotherapy, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, song title, songwriting, writing | 1 Comment

SONGWRITING 101 – PART 2

Posted on September 24, 2010 by Judy

A picture of my mom and I when I was fifteen-years-old.

It began with a melody. The chords were sad and haunting; I liked the subtle mood of this song, but the existing lyrics didn’t fit. They were Cheryl’s words to me; I had added the music thirty years ago. The title of the song was, “A Place I’ve Never Been.”

I decided this song needed some new, special lyrics. I felt ready to write something completely new.

I scrawled out at least ten pages of feelings. I wasn’t trying to make rhymes – I only wanted feelings and words that were simple. Nothing hit me.

A few days later, I tried to sing a line or two with my chords. It didn’t fit. I tried again the next day. Two lines worked, and I was able to create a perfect rhyme that didn’t cause the meaning to stray.

I was elated, because suddenly I had a verse!

Later that same day, I created another verse – and then the bridge came together. It was definitely hard to change the former lyrics, which I was so used to singing. This would be the first time I created completely new lyrics, even if it did go with an existing melody. I felt uplifted and excited!

I played the haunting chords and tried singing those new lyrics, so I could become comfortable with them. Not every word flowed well; a certain amount of crafting was necessary. I couldn’t make up my mind on each line – was this word or that word better? I decided to ask a good friend who is a writer for her feedback.

In the meantime, as I practiced the first verse, I knew the lyrics were powerful for me. Tears began to fall as I sang. They cascaded down my cheeks and my throat quickly closed up.

Message to my friend, Janet:

I have been slowly “crafting” my lyrics for a new song. Sometimes I find the impact is actually lessened with crafting. I had a lot of options, and I created two versions showing some “alternative” words and sentences. Would you be interested in giving me feedback?

I tried to make my song “relatable,” so that it could be someone is leaving not due to age!

Love, Judy

Ps. I started a possible “album cover,” which I wanted to share.

Hi Judy,

Just printed the lyrics to make it easier to compare. No immediate thoughts, but I’ll look at it again later in the day.

I like the concept of the album cover, but I think you can find a better contemporary picture of yourself, one that conveys your newfound happiness. I think you look grim, serious; pained in the picture you have chosen. Where’s that infectious smile?

More later. xoxox

Hi Janet,

When you read my lyrics – you’ll know why I’m so serious.

Actually, that picture will NOT be the album cover. I made it while having one of my introspective moments. I want my song to be more “universal,” and my cover implies too much that it is a “parental” thing. In fact, when I used the word transparent – it sounded like parent! But I liked the imagery that conveyed – as well as “fading.”

In the meantime, thank you, thank you, for your willingness to look at this.

Love, Judy

Response to my recent message shared with an on-line grief forum:

Judy, your words are put so elegantly. I am impressed with how you put into words what you are/were feeling. It’s clean, crisp and clear yet it does real justice to how grief feels.

Thank you, Shasta

Thank you so much for your message, Shasta.

You have been the only response to what I wrote; I was worried that I sounded “preachy!”

There can be nothing good that comes out of losing your child. However, if I were to search for something – I would say that my son’s death gave me a special gift. I have a way to find words from my heart. Your compliment honors me. That is because I am a songwriter, and I need to find words that are “clean, crisp, and clear” in order to sing smoothly.

I am in the process of writing some new lyrics – after 30 years of not writing songs; this is very exciting for me. All of my transformation came about from writing about my child’s death. I cry with my new lyrics about how it feels watching my elderly mother “fade away.”

Glad I could share with this group.

I know I am farther along in my grief, but my heart still breaks with every message I read.

Judy

Today, I went from there to see a physical therapist to address my painful issues with carpal tunnel syndrome.

His name was Lyn Paul and he has worked with a lot of musicians. Within a minute, he told me I most definitely had carpal tunnel syndrome.

Although he saw mostly musicians, the irony was that he told me there was no chance my problem was caused by my guitar playing! He said, “You can’t imagine the problems computers have caused! Playing an instrument is not pressing on the nerve. With keyboards, the problem comes from resting your wrists on the table as you type. I guarantee you that if you stop doing that, your problem go away!”

After a gentle “treatment” on my wrists, I was told that I could go home and play my guitar. It was important that I stay flexible. My fingers were still tingling, but the ache was gone!

Life was good again. Somewhat.

My mother’s phone call in the later afternoon was again challenging. She didn’t make sense as she explained that, “I was imprisoned during my lunch outing and I’m angry at your brother!”

My mother’s support in dealing with my cardiac child was crucial for me. I am sharing (in progress) what I have been writing. I’m sure it will evolve more – good lyrics involve a lot of rewriting.

My mother’s support in dealing with my cardiac child was crucial for me.

I am sharing what I have been writing. I’m sure it will evolve some more – good lyrics involve a lot of rewriting. The title isn’t set for me at all. Following those lyrics, I am attaching the rest of my songwriting workshop notes.

I wasn’t sure if I should share something so “in progress.” However, I have written this blog as a window into my soul as an artist, writer, and musician.

It is also a window that shares my heartache, and documents the challenges I face as a wife, mother, and a daughter.

AS YOU DISAPPEAR

(Lyrics in progress)

I long to tell you

I’m sad you’re leaving me

I miss the way

you used to be

It’s like I lost you somewhere

my loneliness I can’t share

I long to tell you

but instead I just pretend

it’s easier