I CAN’T EXPRESS WHAT IS NOT REAL

I am still on my journey.

Perhaps I will continue to write for the rest of my life. But “my journey’s insight” is certainly a very special time for me.

Yesterday, as I saw Jason’s memorial candle flickering, I had the awareness that this day was filled with new challenges beyond grief. The opera of his death didn’t play out for me; that ended years ago. The best word I to describe my feelings is “poignancy.” I cry easily, but am definitely not sad.

At my last voice lesson, something very interesting occurred for me. I had great difficult singing for my teacher, Peaches. On every song I sang, I would reach an emotional part. As my breath escaped my lips and the notes quivered, I would burst into laughter.

9/16 LESSON W. PEACHES – LAUGHTER & TEARS

9/16 LESSON – JAMMING W. PEACHES

9/16 LESSON W. PEACHES – JUST A TUNE

It happened more than a few times. Peaches was rolling on the floor, too, because each and every time it was totally unexpected. I tried to explain to her what it was about.

It was actually because I was so euphoric about the beauty of my song and my improved voice!

When I reached parts that were so exquisite for me, I couldn’t help but to release my joy as laughter. It was such a contrast to the emotional lyrics I was singing at that moment!

At this moment I am having difficulty writing. Several days ago, I woke up at night and both my hands were asleep. I shook them; the tingling was annoying at first and soon became painful.

Each day became progressively worse, especially at night. I contacted my doctor and he told me to come in and pick up some braces for my hands. His feeling was that it sounded like carpal tunnel issues.

I was hopeful it would just go away. When what started out initially as annoying became agonizing,

I woke up with agony at 2:00 a.m., so I put on the braces. It wasn’t “comfortable” wearing them, however, at least I wasn’t in terrible pain. As I removed both the braces this morning, I willed my stiff hands to obey me. They did not feel like my own hands anymore.

It is hurting as I type this so I must stop soon.

Message from the cantor, yesterday:

Can you please do me a favor, and write out the introduction to the song and email it to me? As I mentioned last night, we need to keep it brief because of time constraints… Thanks so much, I’m looking forward to hearing you tomorrow!

My reply:

My name is Judy Unger and my 5-year-old son, Jason died 19 years ago. His actual Yartzeit was yesterday, and the day before Yom Kippur will always be painful for me. This is my first time in temple for this holiday in over twenty years due to my sadness.

I was very sad for many years after his death. It changed for me this year when I decided to start playing my music again. I am a passionate songwriter and have composed many songs.

Now that my music has made me happy, I feel blessed to be able to share a most meaningful song that speaks to the loss of my son. My song is called, “Beside Me Always”

I read the lyrics to it at his funeral.

Today my heartache intensified with the chill in the air. I received a message from my friend, Marge, this morning. She had read something I wrote about regarding grief; where people made insensitive remarks.

I received this lovely card from friend, Marge. Such a thoughtful, handmade card. She even included a tea bag in the envelope!

Judy,

How nice of you to reach out and share your story with the grieving mom and letting the rest of us witness your wisdom too. If I was one of those you wrote about, who said well-intentioned things that ended up being hurtful, I do apologize…all these many years later.

Love, Margie

Margie,

I was actually thinking of myself! I said well-intentioned, stupid things and believe it or not – I still do. Recently, even Sonia snapped at me! But I understood.

I surround myself with wonderful friends – whom I have never felt angry with. It was upsetting when someone would lecture me to “get on with my life” or “get over it.” Words that expressed I could always have another child made me angry.

You are a bereaved sibling and in that we are linked. You totally understand and I shed a tear that you would even apologize! Julian is in my heart every time I visit Jason’s grave.

Love, Judy

Ps. I hope you don’t mind that I shared your beautiful card on my blog.

Wow — I’ve been published! No, I don’t mind that you posted my card.

How sweet that you think of Julian when you visit Jason. And when I visit Julian’s grave, I always think of you sitting on the ledge near Julian’s grave at the funeral, staring off in the distance pensively. I often sit where you sat to relive your presence.

Love, Margie

Your description of me on that rocky ledge brought tears to my eyes. I really felt the change of weather today.

Love, Judy

Marge and I with our babies that were close in age. This is my youngest son.

My oldest son is on my shoulders in this picture taken with Marge.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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