Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.
This post celebrates my joy during this Thanksgiving holiday. My appreciation is boundless. I am thankful for every aspect of my life.
Every year at this time, I am reminded of my “friend in grief” – Lori (Post #2). Her young son, Matthew, died a few days before Thanksgiving. The holiday was never the same for me since knowing Lori. She and Matthew are always in my heart.
Today, I feel the desire to write about memory and love. Maybe it was no coincidence that this theme has repeated for me.
“My Journey’s Insight” began with me picking up my guitar again after thirty years. It was completely due to my childhood friend, Joni’s encouragement and her offer to introduce me to a music producer.
I am fairly certain that I would not be playing my guitar at this moment otherwise.
Although we weren’t close for many years, Joni and I have “reconnected” again. She has come to see me perform at Kulak’s Woodshed many times. Her support has fueled me. Soon, we are planning to meet with that same producer again. I certainly have a lot of improvement to share!
Two weeks ago while I was going through my memorabilia box, I found a letter from Joni written in 1982. She gave me permission to share it, and I told her I would try and answer her letter on my blog.
For several weeks I was trying to find a way to write something to her.
As I read Joni’s letter, it led me to a perplexing dilemma. Did I have enough empathy required to answer her letter thoughtfully? Recently I was trying to answer a question on one of my grief posts about empathy. It would be impossible for Joni to completely empathize with my losing a child – as it is for most people.
Therefore, since I did not experience trauma while growing up – how could I truly know what she felt and went through? I was aware of her sadness as a child, but not of her abusive situation. Some of it was remedied by the support my family extended to her.
I might not understand what she went through, but I did understand about trauma. My trauma simply occurred later in my life.
Time was needed for me to process those traumatic events.
I will never tell anyone grieving that they can expect happiness and peace later in their life. Those words were certainly not helpful for me when I was suffering.
However, my realization was that over the years – holding onto my memories of trauma prevented happiness.
The theme of memory and love has been very important for me, because it is precisely what has replaced my traumatic memories.
(Clicking on these pages makes them larger)
Dear Joni,
Here we are – grownups! I still cannot believe that I’ve known you since we were toddlers!
We have watched each other grow up. We have both faced different trials in our lives. Both of us have always said, “Someday when we’re old, we’ll play Monopoly together like we used to!”
You wrote that letter in 1982, and you asked me if you would be able to fulfill your potential. How does anyone know what his or her potential is? At that time, I wonder if you could have imagined you would graduate from UCLA with an English degree (as you did last year).
We’ve joked before about the possibilities for me. With all those bugs, I could have been a biologist! With the advocacy I have accomplished for my children, I could have been lawyer.
However, those things are simply degrees and professions. I prefer to consider “human potential” as a measurement of how kind or loving we become, despite our circumstances. With trauma it is so much easier to become bitter!
You have raised four children with your husband, and your home has been permeated with strong, religious values. You are such a kind and loving human being! You have risen to great heights, therefore, after experiencing a childhood that was fearful and sad.
I know that my memories define me. With age, I have found I have so many to choose from!
While I was grieving, I did not have a choice about my thoughts. Sometimes still, my subconscious carries more than I want to remember. Perhaps that is why hypnotherapy has helped me so much.
The term, “thoughts equal feelings” allowed for me to hold positive thoughts, which in turn made me feel better. I have let go of the “opera of Jason’s death” and have instead chosen memories of his love.
When you remember your parents, perhaps it would be helpful for you to remember their love. I am certain they loved you, even with their flaws and those “scary moments.”
Remembering those memories of their love, and surrounding yourself with that leads to feeling uplifted, rather than despondent.
I love and appreciate you very much,
Friends forever,
Judy
Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.
Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tagged acoustic guitar, child's death, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, death of a child, Friendship, god and music, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, high school memories, Hypnotherapy, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, spiritual, voice lessons, writing
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This is for comparison. I was 15 and he was 17.
Judy and Sam thirty-six years after the prior picture.
From: Judy
To: Sam
Sent: Sat, November 20, 2010 11:31:22 PM
Subject: The pictures!
Hi Sam,
It was so nice to visit with you and your wife. She is simply lovely and quite beautiful – you picked a wonderful woman. You’re a great guy, and certainly deserve it.
Boy that sounded like a lot of clichés – but I mean it!
Our pictures came out well. I don’t know what I would write about as far as our evening goes. I’m good at writing about trauma, and there wasn’t anything like that going on!
It was nice that I could share my music with you. It’s interesting singing now without a microphone. I’ve gotten used to that!
Thanks again for coming over; it was really such a terrific feeling to see you after all this time. You look great.
Take care, Judy
On Nov 21, 2010, at 12:11 AM, Sam wrote:
Judy,
I just sat down to write to you and you beat me to it!
Thanks so much for opening up your home to us…I really enjoyed meeting your family and getting to know Mike…he’s a really nice guy and I hope he enjoyed the evening as much as we did!
It’s so sad that everyone else around us has aged, but it’s pretty obvious that you and I didn’t! 🙂
Our own private concert…and your voice sounded great! My challenge…I would really like to see you write a new song…from scratch…because it seems that as you finish recording your old songs, that there is a sense of finality and completion about it…what else do you record after you’re done with the last two? A new song is a new beginning…maybe you will write more and maybe you won’t, but at least you know that your songwriting is part of the present, and not just the past. And it should be a part of your present…you are great at it, and I bet its therapeutic…don’t close the door on it!
Glad there was no trauma to write about (though if I had sung with you there might have been…I am definitely “voice challenged”.)
Let’s not wait another 31 years before getting together…might be too hard to get the walker through the door!…Sam
HI Sam,
I am so touched by your statement about writing a new song! I don’t know much about how the songwriting process works for me – but I have begun that process in my “new life” very incrementally. I have felt tremendous and intense satisfaction with even writing parts of a song that are new. A verse, a new chorus, and recently a whole song of new lyrics – that was such a boost for me! I am certain you are right.
However, composing music does take an extraordinary amount of “unfettered” time. It will be awhile before I can find that kind of calm and unstructured time. Especially now that I am very ambitious about writing a book.
By the way, I actually worked on a few chords the other day for the two, missing classical pieces that I composed – I had been talking myself out of “rediscovering” them; saying it was “too hard.” But now I plan to relearn them. I have a lot that I want to do! I need to balance this with all the other passions in my life, and make time for exercise, my parents, and my family! How great it has been for me to wake up every morning with so much energy and excitement!
Today, I’m seeing George and I’m going to really focus on just finishing up songs for a CD. I am hoping that someday I’ll have the opportunity to re-record my songs with improvement (hopefully, I’ll have financial success to do that). But for now, I think I’ll try and sell a CD – I do not expect much revenue from it.
It is hard for me not to record my new “seashell” song. But my intuition tells me that I can improve the song’s structure with more lyrics. It has a lot going for it, and cannot be rushed. It is so much fun to record a new song, rather than fixing those other ones! But I always follow my intuition.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I’ve been thinking a lot – “What would I write about from last night?” My friends are all anxiously awaiting word. I still don’t know!
I had a nice evening, too. My face was tired from smiling so much. I’m noticing with age, that all that smiling has my eyes crinkling up to where I can hardly open them! Mike made the same joke – he said that our next picture would be with walkers. That’s funny you mentioned it, too.
My main question was “How did your wife feel?” I actually feel a lot of trepidation asking that. Last night, I wondered if I had totally upset her when I showed her the blog. I assumed she had seen it. When I pulled it up and she saw pictures of us – well I felt like an idiot! I’ve countered that embarrassment with hoping maybe that was for the best, because I did want her to be totally aware of our correspondence and everything. By the way, if she wants me to take our old pictures off the blog, I would – no problem. I realize it might embarrass your kids.
Michael made fun of me for my inability to sing “the first song I ever wrote.” He asked me when I was going to grow up! I don’t think anyone realizes that I have cracked up singing that song with Peaches, too. It is just one of those things.
The only teeny, pang I had was the discussion about my sharing so much on the blog in regards to my children. I think that was painful for me, because I have always been such a devoted mother to my children. I have grappled with what I have done “as therapy.” In my heart, I know you are probably right. My “audience” should be my children, not the blog. This has provoked a lot of soul searching for me. Why would I compromise my relationship with my children? Trust me, I even feel anguish over some of what I’ve written about my parents, too.
I think part of my healing has been expressing my stories with honesty to allow other people to experience what I have. I think that has more to do with the loneliness of facing so many challenges. With the triumphs and miracles I’ve achieved, I know that perhaps my stories and optimism could help others. I feel like this is almost a compulsion, because what could be more important than my own family – strangers? This has been a struggle for me.
As I edit now, I am able to remove things that might upset my children. It was truly wonderful seeing you – you look great! The day I write a new song, I will think of you.
Judy
Hi Judy,
I wouldn’t think that my wife would be upset at all by our 35 year old prom pictures…I had already told her about the blog anyway…those pictures bring back great memories, and I don’t think I have them anymore…I’m glad you kept them (though you could Photoshop them and make me look way cooler!)
I think its a great idea to put some of your best songs on CD, and then perhaps sell them at Border’s…maybe for $10 or so…once you have the CD, they cost nothing to reproduce, and if the price is reasonable, I don’t think anyone is going to spend the time to hunt down and download all of the songs from your website, then transfer them to their iPod…sure, its theoretically possible, but I’ll bet it won’t happen even once. Plus, the songs really do enhance the website…they are a part of your story. I would much rather purchase a CD than hunt down songs anytime!
Remember…age hasn’t affected us…just everyone else!
Judy, you have been completely devoted to your kids and everyone else around you (not that I would have ever expected any different). But I think what we discussed about your kids was echoed by Michael. He said that the kids talk more to him now, because they worry that if they talk to you it will show up on your blog.
On the other hand, you point out that the blog has helped you to heal, and has helped many others who have read it. And the stories are real, genuine, and inspiring. But, the most important thing in your life has got to be your husband and your kids. And the relationship that kids have with their mother is different than the relationship they have with their father. Mothers are special, and fathers can’t fill the place that mothers have in their kids’ world. I believe that your kids need to feel that they can talk to you without worry that the stories…good or bad…will appear on your blog.
Imagine how we would have felt if the same thing happened to us when we were teenagers…that every success or failure we had was immediately reported on the Internet the next day (if such a thing existed). I think that we would not have been as open with our parents. And I don’t think it’s a question of balance, of competing interests. Don’t let anything compromise your relationship with your children…not even the blog (sorry!) You know my only intention is to be helpful, not critical!!…If I were you, I probably wouldn’t post this paragraph on the blog, just something I wanted to say privately to you, but you may post if you want.
Judy, if you do write a new song, you mentioned you would think of me. After my last paragraph, I suspect the title might be “You’re REALLY not the one!!”
Thanks for a great evening…enjoyed meeting the whole family….Sam
Hi Sam,
It’s interesting for me that I could not find a way to write about our evening together. I still have my “writing bug” because I was able to write about another subject this morning.
I think our correspondence would actually be a great thing for the blog. I am totally about sharing how human and flawed I am. I will include the part about my kids and my anguish.
As far as anything you’ve written, I’ll keep your family names, etc. out of it. I love our picture – it looks so cool putting it next to one of the old ones. I’m glad I don’t have to delete any pictures!
Take care, Judy
Ps. You might not have been “The One,” but you still have a special place in my heart. And that comes even after reading your well-intentioned, thoughtful advice. Even your career advice was thoughtful!
On Nov 23, 2010, at 12:08 AM, Sam wrote:
Hi Judy!
First off, it’s fine to post our correspondence.
You are not flawed! Parenting is a challenge for all of us, and you have had to meet challenges that I cannot even imagine. We all have to “course correct” from time to time. Your blog is inspiring…but the relationship that you have with your children and what you have done for them is even more so!
Sorry, I meant to send this earlier tonight…got home from basketball and somehow fell asleep…it was 11:30 when I woke up…more fun in the fifties!…take care!…Sam
For entertainment while Sam and his wife visited with us, our cat climbed up on our bird’s cage.
This cat also liked to drink out of a fishbowl. He and the goldfish used to kiss each other!
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tagged acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, Daily Life, Friendship, high school memories, Music, old boyfriend, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, reconnecting, singing, songwriting, writing
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This is absolutely how I feel now!
I was very excited to find this sheet in my memory box. I used to play all of these songs. There are fifty on both sides of this piece of notebook paper. I am able to play twenty of them; I have no desire to relearn the other thirty! I cannot play the song “At Seventeen” without laughing.
It is notable that I had to transpose the chords and change the key for those songs I play now. (DEEPER VOICE!)
I entered George’s guesthouse yesterday morning full of confidence in my “improved voice.” I felt a little wistful that I didn’t have any new songs to record, but I was ready to work on finishing all the songs for a CD I’m planning to sell!
I decided that my song, “It Might Have Been,” was almost finished. George added a “bell-tree” effect; which is simply a shimmery, bell-like sound in a few spots. I fixed a few words that were slightly pitchy. It was actually hard work and took many tries to get it right. I wondered if it were worth it for me to be fixing and spending the time. I was amazed that it took a period of over two hours to record a few “fixes,” when I often recorded guitar, vocals, and arrangements within a single session of three hours!
After the two hours there was still more time to work on something else.
George re-opened the song I had wanted to redo – Saying Goodbye. It was one of the only songs I’ve done with such an up-tempo arrangement. “You know, Jude, I could add some electric guitar to this,” George suggested. I told George we’d concentrate on the vocals first and perhaps do that later on.
I began singing. After only two lines, George stopped me.
“Jude! You’re breathy.”
He demonstrated and wailed the words, “SO FEW WORDS AND SO MUCH TO SAY! Come on – you wrote this! Don’t mince around and be delicate! Sing with conviction and stop thinking so much!”
I explained to George – my issue was that I needed to “follow the beat.” I promised not be breathy, although I didn’t want to push and go off pitch. He brought me over some larger headphones and turned up the drums.
He kept wailing the lyrics, in order me to show me that he wanted that kind of passion!
I tried . . . over and over and over again. Eventually, the sweat started to bead up on me. I tried to sing louder. I was singing my original lyrics, so this was a breakup song. I wondered if perhaps that’s why it wasn’t working. I closed my eyes and become angry and emotional. I willed myself to remember that I read the words to this song at Jason’s funeral!
George shook his head, and stopped me again. He told me to listen to the recording so I could understand what he was telling me.
As I sat and listened, I realized he was absolutely right. My singing was simply words and notes – I was not convincing; I was not conveying any emotion. I couldn’t figure out why my tears and sweat weren’t coming through!
Then I had a thought. I told George that my vocal coach, Peaches, had sung this song and i wanted to share her version.
He listened and said, “It’s your song, Jude. Your voice is the voice for this song. I prefer it and I’m certain you can pull it off. It’s not at all about technique. It’s all about feeling the words. Do you want to try again?”
I shook my head, no. I was spent.
He could see I was discouraged. From the very, first day that I met George he said to me, “You are the singer for your songs!”
We both listened to the old version of my song. George agreed that it was far better than what I had done today. I said to George, “You know, it really sounds okay to me. I think I’ll just leave it alone.”
George smiled and said, “If that’s what you want to do, Jude.” He reminded me about the kind of time that is put into professional recordings.
Today, I appreciated his absolute conviction about making my songs be their best. How fortunate I am to have his professional involvement! He could have just collected his money and stayed silent. I also reveled in his compliment that he preferred my singing to Peaches, who is a professional.
Later in the day, I listened to the subtle improvements on “It Might Have Been.” Those “small fixes” gave me intense satisfaction because as I listened to my song, the elements that had bothered me were gone. I enjoyed my song.
I decided that I did have progress today. Perhaps it wasn’t as much as other times, but I am definitely moving forward.
I also appreciate what decent vocals I had done on Saying Goodbye a few months earlier. It was not an easy song to sing! Perhaps I will try again another time, just as I redid “More Than You Know.” I remember well how on that particular song, I was frustrated by my inability to improve upon it during a later session.
I have wondered when I should stop my “discovery phase” and begin promoting myself. Steve, my childhood friend, corresponded with me the other day. I asked him if he liked my recent song, “It Might Have Been.”
Hi Steve,
What did you think of the new song?
I just listened once the day you emailed it & didn’t like it as much as most of the others. I’ll play it some more; sometimes they grab me after 3-4 plays.
Regards, Steve
He Steve,
I figured that you felt that way, when I didn’t hear from you. I appreciate your honesty. I remember “Memory of Love” didn’t grab you initially, either. This one grabbed me a bit, as I’ve been listening to it more.
Me too. It hit me, “this is a MUSICAL song” and then it seemed to fit and made perfect sense.
And so I am beginning to get the idea that I will eventually write my book as “A Musical Story of A Grieving Woman Transformed.” I will edit down my blog posts, and the musical of my life will be stories with music. The book could be an E-book with music, or have a CD included with a printed version.
I can tell I’m “feelin’ it” in that picture!
When I performed at Border’s last night, it was probably the smallest audience I’ve ever had. I looked out and saw that people were leaving before I would even begin playing. Most of them were in their twenties and didn’t want any music distracting them from what they were doing. I felt very much alone.
The room was large, and people were far away from me. No one sat at any of the nearby tables. I decided that I would enjoy singing for myself. I began playing and my voice was clear; I felt confident. I made very few mistakes, if any.
After half an hour, I paused and took a drink. It was interesting for me that my voice was not tired after having sung so much in a single day. It was quiet and there was certainly no applause between songs. I looked at my list. I had played ten of my songs after starting out with one cover song, “If” by Bread.
I played another cover song, and I was surprised to hear clapping. I spoke into the microphone, “Okay, I get it! You like hearing something familiar.” I played another cover song; “You’ve Got A Friend.” The clapping continued. It continued for the rest of the evening.
After I sang a few more of my own songs, I decided to stop. My last song was, “Saying Goodbye.”
As I put down my guitar I said, “You have no idea what great practice this is for me. You should have heard me two months ago!”
A man spoke loudly. He said, “You don’t need any more practice. You sound great!”
I had won over my audience!
I swung my gear bag over my shoulder, clutched my guitar case, and headed alone to my car. I was relieved that I had already called my parents several times and wouldn’t have to make more calls. I loved listening to music in my car. I had been listening to country music to help inspire me to possibly compose something in that direction.
My family was waiting for me to bring them dinner. There was so much laughter at the dinner table, and I was filled with the joy that music had brought me.
There are days when I feel like a shooting star. There are also days when I am so happy to be on earth.
For my birthday, I picked out a new tennis bag. I have never had one in this color or style before – definitely something “new and different!” I need to replace my grips; they look very worn!
When I play doubles with these woman, it isn’t easy to always remember the score! They took me out for lunch on my birthday – I had a blast!
RECENT CORRESPONDENCE:
Hi Sam,
Thank you so much for your comment regarding grief on Post #61 (What is Most Helpful). I’m pondering another grief post with my reply to your comment.
I am so behind with everything. I need to get my mom an extra pillow – my dad has been bugging me.
Judy
Hi Judy,
I have some more questions/thoughts about grieving, but will hold them until I am back from my trip next week, and can be more coherent than I am now. Finally finished packing…everything is in a suitcase, but I still think I get an “F”!
It’s the seemingly unimportant things that we do on a daily basis that define our life and who we are. Who else would care enough to run out and buy your mom an extra pillow?…it’s a big mitzvah! Say hi to her for me!
Now off to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …..Sam
Hi Sam,
Well now that you mentioned more writing about grief, I will hold off on my writing piece about grief. I actually asked my grief forum for their opinion on this – I had not one response! I think that’s very telling. They are in so much pain that it is trivial for them to answer a philosophical question!
But I did ask two of my fellow grief friends and I have some material from them. I think it is always a good subject for me to write about – grief.
Glad you thought the pillow was a mitzvah – I have a “soft touch.” I got it for her “just in case.” No more stuffing anything!
Judy
Well, it’s definitely a “feather“in your cap!
Never any reason to rush writing…I would be kind of surprised if you could post something without reflecting on it a bit…not every day we get to go back 30 years! Anyone else you want me to find for you? 🙂
Sam
Hi Steve,
It was not a great session today – very disappointing for me.
That happens. Great performances aren’t something you can always just switch on like a light.
Saying Goodbye vocals were a disaster! I sang so many times – I pushed myself to the max. But from the beginning, George didn’t think I captured any feeling for the song.
I agree, you’ve made so much progress. I happened to play the other day one of the brief recordings you did at my apartment that first time you came over. Let’s just say, A LOT OF PROGRESS!!!!!! (and your guitar playing has always been terrific.)
Steve
© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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