THE PAINS AND JOYS OF WHAT WE ARE

Posted on November 3, 2010 by Judy

The Pains and Joys of What We Are. Written 8/23/79 by Carol for Judy.

In February of this year, I dug inside the two, file boxes in my closet that were filled with memorabilia of my life. My boxes held hundreds of cards, letters, and interesting items going back to preschool..

Last night, I opened the boxes again. I wanted to see if I had any cards from my friend, Carol. I will be seeing her this week for the first time after thirty-one years! I thought it might be interesting to find some cards to add to my story. I ended up with a stack of new material!

In addition to the two, file boxes. I have one very special box that was made for me on my twenty-first birthday by my friend, Bonnie. I never mention Bonnie because I’ve been sad that we lost touch when Jason was ill. I sent her a letter asking why I didn’t hear from her, and never got a response.

Bonnie and I traveled to the east coast before my formal wedding. It was my first experience on a commercial airplane (Mike had arranged for me to go on a small plane a few weeks before). I was also my first experience of being far away from home. I have wonderful memories of that trip.

I’ve often wondered if I’ll reconnect with Bonnie again someday.

Bonnie and I had a lot of adventures together.

Inside my special box were many cards from Cheryl, some of which I already had scanned and put into the book I made for her before she died.

It was in there that I found some cards from Carol. As I read a certain one, I was simply astounded. It was beautiful!

I decided to share it with her this morning.

Inside my “special box.”

My wood-laminated memory box given to me by my friend, Bonnie. We were very close. I wish I had a copy of the picture of me with my guitar on the phone on the left side of the cover.

On Nov 2, 2010, Judy wrote:

Good morning, Carol!

My journey has been so fascinating for me. I have no idea why, but I decided to go back into my memorabilia boxes last night.

I realized that I hadn’t shared any cards from you and wanted to find something! Well, I came across an amazing note that you wrote to me after our evening at the Hollywood Bowl. I could scarcely believe it!

Here’s a transcription of your note (as well as the actual note).

Love, Judy

Ps. It was beautiful writing, by the way.

For Judy

We have long agreed

that no earthly force

can sever our bond of friendship

much have we shared,

so many trials of our unity;

now, this ultimate test.

All that was unsaid

is now divulged;

A floodgate has opened, unforeseen.

How could we have known

What words our confidence would lead to?

Our heads are spinning,

Our insecurities aroused.

Are we strong enough

To stay afloat

in this torrent of disclosure?

But I know the answer.

My trust in you,

In us,

Supersedes all doubt.

I trust you with my life and soul,

I have faith in your understanding.

If our love is worth

Anything at all

And I know that

It is worth the world to us,

Then it will but grow stronger

And we will be ever closer,

Better able to share

The pains and joys of what we are.

I love you, Carol

I know, I know – I’ve shown myself in a bikini enough already!

On Nov 2, 2010, Carol wrote:

Oh, my word, Judy. I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember writing that poem and I feel so chastened and sorry that in spite of my affirmations of love and trust, we still lost touch. Still, I know that I meant every word. And I have missed you so much over the years. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so looking forward to seeing you on Thursday!

Love, Carol

Carol,

The LAST thing I would want is for you to feel chastened! We both stayed out of touch – it wasn’t just you. And honestly, for me to read such a BEAUTIFUL poem written for me – I am still so honored. It doesn’t matter that we lost touch. The feelings were there.

I was unable to maintain friendship with anyone for many of those 30 years. So how much better it is now that I am open again and happy to reconnect!!!!

Love, Judy

I found a lot of wonderful items in those boxes. I was thinking my blog was reaching a final destination with the end of my song recordings; however, I have a large stack of items to scan now.

Once again, the “writer inside” of me has emerged. I can’t believe how much I still want to write about!

I have continued to correspond with Sam, and it has been very interesting for me. He has been reading my blog. Sam was very complimentary when he suggested a career opportunity for me that could “provide me with a steady stream of revenue.”

I replied to him and felt myself twist into knots as I wrote my response. It was the reminder of how much I had tormented myself with the career change that was thrust upon me five years ago.

It was then that I had so much clarity! I clearly am going to continue to do exactly what I am doing regardless of revenue.

Although I’m sorry if this affects my family, I am finally going to live the rest of my life doing what I love. I have made a lot of sacrifices through the years, and I am not waiting any longer to be alive. Being creative is my life force! Without it, I feel my heart shriveling up and dying inside.

I will do whatever is necessary to maintain this creative renaissance.

I am confident of my value, and I cannot see myself doing anything other than what I am doing.

My creative writing back then was cute – a “nasty recipe!” I wrote this when I was thirteen-years-old.

 

This really had me cracking up!

A recent picture from performing at an open mic.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Judy

IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME – Copyright 2010, by Judy Unger

PEACHES LESSON 10/29/10 – “IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME”–

Lately, balancing my ordinary life with my ambitions has been challenging. I am writing for two blogs, performing, perfecting songs, and recording them.

It is also not a simple thing to record a song. Quite often, I need to reconstruct my song’s format; sometimes I change lyrics or chords around. Before going to see George to record my song, I must be certain of those things.

My “Journey’s Insight” has unfolded with the stories behind my songs. Perhaps I was supposed to end with my wedding song, which was my last musical composition. However, it seems that it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve rediscovered more songs that are worthy of recording. I have been practicing them for a few weeks.

I am amazed at how my blog has grown so large. I enjoy writing and sharing, so I plan to continue. Also, lately my journey has become very interesting for me!

Originally, the song “If You Should See Me,” was one that I probably wrote when I was separated from Michael. However, I am not sure, and it’s quite possible it was written for Sam.

I experienced a lot of indecision when I was trying to decide whom I would marry!

It was interesting to record a song that addressed my memories of indecision during my time with Sam. I was very torn and conflicted; I like the idea of singing this song now with all my insight!

I still have eight more song sheets to draw from if I choose to. I don’t remember the melodies to most of these songs, however, I like some of the chord progressions.

My heart has been aching lately with all the poignant feelings from remembering my youth. I might actually be able to write a new song at some point. Just thinking about that is very exciting for me!

Today, when I went to George’s studio to finish my arrangement of this song, I told him I felt a little sad that I only had one song left that was ready to record.

George told me he had been thinking about my songwriting and wanted to share some thoughts he had about that.

He said, “Jude, I have a theory. My feeling is that the best word to describe what you’ve been doing with your song recording is purging. You are purging out everything in order to have a clean slate to begin new stuff. Once you’re empty, I think you’re going to be coming out with some new things!”

I told George – writing a song was a lot of contemplation and hard work. I hadn’t really composed any serious music in a long time!

I said, “George, there’s no way I’m coming to you with a new song weekly! Don’t expect me to just pop one out every week!”

To which George replied, “Jude, I disagree. I think you’ll be popping out songs in a day!”

I grinned in amazement at the thought. My next, upcoming song has been sounding very nice for me. I’m looking forward to hearing a beautiful arrangement, which I’m certain George will create for it.


IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME

Original Song by Judy Unger, Copyright 2010


Wading through marshes in my mind

hoping I’ll see you again

searching for nothing, I was so blind

hoping I’ll see you again


CHORUS:

But if you should see me

you’d think I would rather

be out somewhere looking for more

but if you should see me

what would it matter?

‘cause I’ve had all my chances before


Fading through passages of my life

hoping I’ll see you again

feeling regret for being unkind

hoping I’ll see you again


CHORUS


Facing tomorrow, what will I find?

if you should see me again . . .

Sometimes I’ve wondered, what is my fate?

Insight, it often comes late


CHORUS


Facing tomorrow, what will I find?

if you should see me again . . .

I tend to close my eyes a lot when I sing. I try to remember not to, but it’s hard.

This week truly reminded me that I was on a journey. I felt like I had traveled so very far in my life from the time when I was a teenager. There were many different paths I could have taken. How did I know which ones to follow to get to the place where I am now?

I didn’t find my insight until this morning. With clarity comes peace. I am appreciative and grateful for my clarity!

When I was younger and making those enormous “life choices” regarding a husband and career, I was filled with uncertainty and doubt. It was interesting this week to record my song that spoke exactly to that subject!

However, I am grateful that I followed my intuition, despite the immaturity of youth, which certainly made things more complicated.

An old Halloween memory. Jason loved trick or treating, but was unable to eat candy without vomiting after.

This week, I briefly did wonder what my life might have been like had I married Sam, my former boyfriend. I think that was a natural thought process.

As I read and wrote pages and pages to and from both Carol and Sam this week, my confusion eventually turned into clarity. Carol wrote out the reasons for them not getting married. It was much more about her youth and uncertainty, than about anything he had done.

Both Carol and I had some striking similarities, because our mothers influenced us greatly in making our decisions. She had no regrets.

The part that was truly important for me, was reading her realization of following her intuition on her life’s journey.

Marriage is challenging. However, I love my husband and although there are times that I long for the romantic love of my youth, I celebrate how fortunate it was that I chose someone who has been completely supportive of my journey. When it started out as an artistic journey, he was there for me, too. Now if only he would be less grouchy after work! However, after I feed him a “snack,” he’s much better!

What has been most beautiful for me this week was that I have reconnected and added two more friends into my life.

There is always a place in my life for caring, good friends!

New Halloween memories: Our little “devil,” named Killer in his Halloween costume!

This past Saturday, it was a beautiful morning. As I drove to see my hypnotherapist, Connie, I marveled at the amazing and dramatic sky that morning. There were intense colors and textures everywhere I looked, but I needed to keep my eyes on the freeway.

I walked through the garden toward her guesthouse. I felt so alive as I inhaled the exquisite fragrance of flowers around me.

After perhaps two years of working with her, I decided I was finally ready.

I left the session feeling calm. The tearstains on my cheeks were still damp, but my heart was light. While under hypnosis, I was finally able to say all the things that were deeply buried inside of me for over thirty years. I told my mother how I felt about her insistence that I marry when I did.

My transformation was complete. I had left behind the person I used to be since the age of 21. My different voice, personality, and thoughts had me feeling as if I had entered a time machine. I felt as young as I did when I was twenty, but I carried all of the wisdom and insight from my journey of the last thirty-one years.

I was indescribably happy.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

HOPING I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN – PART 2

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Judy

BA’A M’NUCHA

Recording above of an Israeli song Carol and Judy used to sing

Good morning, Judy!

I just read your most recent post. What wonderful memories those photos and your recollections brought back! You write very movingly about the role of friends and music in your life, and about your feelings when we lost touch. I still can’t believe we let that happen.

I want to write about my relationship with Sam. Your experience with him may have been completely different, and I absolutely don’t want anything I say to besmirch your memory of him. Each relationship has its own dynamic. He was just completely wrong for me. I’m sure, that the soundtrack to this part of my life was Carly Simon’s “That’s The Way I Always Heard It Should Be!”

Not only was Sam the wrong man for me to marry, I was absolutely not ready to get married to anyone. I’d never lived on my own, never traveled, never had a chance to be, as Carly sang, “me first, by myself.”

My break-up with Sam was very sudden and dramatic. I know it took him by surprise; he didn’t really deserve that. I don’t think he ever understood what I wanted from the relationship. Then there was the issue of children. I’d always assumed when I was growing up, without thinking much about it, that I would get married and have kids some day. That’s just what people did, without questioning it. Well, during one of our arguments, I shouted, “I don’t have to have children unless I want to!” What I’d said was one of those things you blurt out in an argument, yet the minute the words left my mouth, I knew they were true. I didn’t have to have children unless I wanted to. Maybe I would, maybe not, but it was an option, not an obligation; my choice, not my biological destiny. And I never wavered from that realization in the years to come.

I have shared with you many of my other reasons for not marrying Sam (not for the blog). If I sound angry and bitter and hard on Sam, it’s because I WAS for many, many years. It wasn’t until I attended my 30-year high school reunion that this changed. I saw Sam there. We had a very cordial conversation. He seemed like a nice enough guy. I realized after our conversation that I was tired of carrying around all that anger and negative feeling, it took too much energy, and it was time to let it go. And *poof* there it went.

Love, Carol

It was very interesting to read this entry from 1980 in my diary. I pondered the paragraph where I mentioned I lied. It took awhile for me to understand that I must have told Sam I was engaged to Michael, before it happened. (Clicking on this brings it up larger)

Hi Carol,

I was going to surprise you, but I am planning to do a recording of Ba’a Menucha. I’ll just do it on Garage Band by myself. I just pulled out the songbook – it is quite beautiful.

Thank you for your honest sharing. I appreciate that you opened up so much to me, and I am sorry for what must have been a challenging chapter in your life. It was a good thing that you followed your heart.

I loved that Carly Simon song by the way. I used to sing it all the time!!!

Thank you so much for giving me peace tonight, as I process so much. Your words remind me that I also followed my intuition on my life’s journey.

I am happy with my life and feel so blessed with my family.

Love, Judy

Hi, Judy,

I’m very glad my story helped give you some perspective. I think we’ll have a lot to talk about when we see each other in person!

Looking forward to Post #200, and I can’t wait to hear your recordings, especially Ba’a Menucha! Have fun performing this weekend!

Have fun with your performance tonight, and let your spirit soar with your music!

Love, Carol

Carol with Cheryl and Cindy.

Are you okay with coming out to my house? Or I could come to you. I think with singing it would be nice not to be in public.

I think Thursday is the most open day for me next week.

I am going to work on editing and sharing our correspondence. I think we make so many choices in our life and the important part is to follow our intuition, which both you and I did. To question that is pointless. What a lesson that is for me!

Actually, I just had a thought – if you want, you can come over sometime and go with me when I perform at Borders. I have two mics and if you want, you could sing with me!

Love, Judy

Good Morning, Judy–

What a stunning day it is!

I would be happy to come out to your place, unless you need an excuse to get out of the house and want to come to me. Thursday morning would be great for me. That way I don’t have to worry about traffic coming back. As for singing with you; that’s such a nice invitation, but I’d have to work up to that one! I’m really out of practice and don’t remember very many songs in their entirety, not to mention I’ve never sung in public like that before.

As far as conveying in your blog anything I wrote about Sam, I have no problem with it at all. I have nothing to hide there and if you find a way to write about it that you are comfortable with, then I’m sure I will be as well.

Enjoy your music-making this weekend!

Love, Carol

Hi Carol!

Love your message. I am very excited about you coming over. My house is a little “messy” from my kids and pets; but after reading what you grew up with, I’ll know that you’ll be very accepting! I spend no time on housekeeping, and my housekeeper spends all her time cooking when she’s here in the evenings.

I just found out that my Borders performance tonight was cancelled, due to a poetry reading that got shifted into my time slot. That’s fine. Last night when I played at the Simi Borders, it was very quiet. I didn’t put my heart into it as much as I would have liked. I think I prefer to play my own songs, but worry that people only want “familiar” tunes. But since I’m doing this for fun, I think I’ll just play my own songs more if that makes me happy!

I’m glad I’ll be home tonight. I want to post our beautiful correspondence. I am working hard to edit it down, but that’s not an easy task. I do think your honest words about your mom’s housekeeping would be something a lot of people might relate to.

Anyway, I am most excited that I took the time yesterday to play around at home with B’a M’nucha. I’m enjoying listening to it on my iPod. The harmony is so beautiful and now you can have it all come back to you. I’m going to share my recording with you now. Enjoy!

Can’t wait to see you!!!!

Love, Judy

Judy, thank you.

I have goose bumps, and tears in my eyes.

All my love, Carol

I transposed this into two keys, in order to record separate guitar tracks.

To be fair, I shared my posts about Carol with Sam to make sure he was also comfortable. Here is our exchange:

On Oct 29, 2010, Sam wrote:

Thanks, Judy…I appreciate your sharing this.  Hopefully, if Carol writes anything too inflammatory, (though I don’t know why she would), please tone it down for your blog.

I had kind of suspected the house issue…I didn’t want to share it first, because I didn’t want to portray Carol or her family in a bad light.  And I simply overlooked it…would have been completely unfair of me to judge Carol on the basis of her family’s housekeeping…and as I mentioned, they were always very nice to me and included me many times in their family events…Sam

Hi Sam,

I am ready to post Part 2 of my correspondence with Carol. I want to share the section where she mentions breaking up with you. If it makes you uncomfortable, let me know how I could edit it in a way that doesn’t embarrass or bother you.

I’m actually going to see her next week (on Thursday). She is going to come out to my home.

I’ll wait to hear from you. Hope you had a nice Shabbat.

Judy

Hi Judy,

Ran to the city tonight for an engagement party for the daughter of one of my friends…it is so strange as we progress to the time where our friends kids are getting married, and soon ours as well…we are becoming our parents generation…I definitely have not processed that!

You can certainly post what Carol has written.

I am glad that she has let go of those angry feelings, and hope that she has the life and relationship that she wants.  I certainly wish the best for her! (That is so trite, but that isn’t how I mean it!)

Have a great time with Carol next week.  Your friendship was very important to her.  If I was, in some way, responsible for your “breakup”, then it is only fitting that I helped to bring you back together….Sam

Hi Sam,

It has been awkward to be “in the middle!”

I can certainly say that my losing touch with her were because of the circumstances of her engagement to you and the move. However, that being said – I didn’t move much (my parents lived at 6000) for years and years. She could always have found me when her life changed. I posted my diary page. I knew I’d probably never hear from her again.

And I wouldn’t if I hadn’t become this new person eager for reconnecting! Thank you for helping me on “my journey of growth” to find her!

When I saw my diary page, it said I “lied to you” about being engaged to Mike. Gosh, I didn’t remember that! I was going to remove the line, but decided to show what a flawed person I was!

Have a great day, Judy

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

HOPING I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN – PART 1

Posted on October 30, 2010 by Judy

Carol and I in the back, Cindy and Linda (left to right) in front.

On this post, I am sharing my reconnecting with Carol. She was very much a part of my musical journey during my youth. I am sharing all of this with her permission. (Her words are in green.)

On Oct 27, 2010, Carol wrote:

Hi, Judy!

I was pretty surprised when I got the e-mail about your trying to find me, and it took me a while before I figured out that Sam was the link (then I actually read that in his reply to your blog). I didn’t expect that he’d remember where I volunteered, but I’m glad he did.

I don’t remember singing Christmas carols together; what I remember are all the wonderful folk songs in Hebrew (I can still remember the harmony part to Ba’a M’nuchah). I don’t think I heard your vocal compositions, but on post #6 I listened to 30-year-old recordings of a few of your instrumental pieces. Wow, what a flashback! You used to play them at the beach…you, me, Cindy and Cheryl (and I’m so sad to hear of her loss) and I forget who else…those are golden days in my memory, even though I tended to get very sentimental and cried easily (A memory here that you can include sometime: You played/sang “Both Sides Now” and I cried–of course–and you and the other girls crowded around to hug and comfort me, and a group of guys walking down the beach yelled out something about lesbians! Of course this outraged and cracked us up, and restored a cheerful mood).

I guess Sam is a common link here. What I remember about our losing touch is this: I started dating Sam when I was 21, after running into him at Israeli folk dancing (the dancing is another set of golden memories). It happened on the rebound from a relationship that disappointed and saddened me extremely, and so with Sam, things got intense pretty quickly. I knew you’d dated him, but until I read your blog, I had no idea how long you’d dated or how close you’d been or anything (and he never talked about it much). So I’m not surprised, in retrospect, that you were floored when I disclosed that Sam and I were together. I should have been more sensitive in telling you, but I hadn’t anticipated that it would upset you so.

I think we grew apart after that; and like so many silly young girls, I probably ignored our friendship as I spent more time with Sam. I do know that you told me at some point about your mom forcing you and Mike to marry early, so you did confide in me, but I also recall that I wasn’t invited to the formal wedding. It may be that I’d already moved to Galveston to be with Sam.

I’m surprised–and, I’ll admit, a bit sad, that you’ve drawn a blank on your memories with me until now, because they have been with me always. Well, some of them, anyhow. It’s scary how blurred memories can become as one gets older.

I have so enjoyed reading your blog, though it’s been hard to read about what you’ve been through all these years. I’m happy that you’ve rediscovered your music, and that you’re recording your lovely songs; so much honesty and openness there!

I don’t have a blog, so a recap of my life will take a little time. And it is past lunchtime, and I need to take a walk to clear my head (too much virtual, walking down memory lane), so I’m going to sign off for the time being.

My head is still spinning!

Love, Carol

Hi Carol,

I’ve been thinking of what to write all day! It’s been difficult to narrow down everything – there is so much there!

I am certain you were not at my wedding because you moved away, and that was when we lost touch. I think the revelation that caused the most distance for me was when you revealed your discomfort about your religion. And all is forgiven for whatever happened all those years ago. I do think I was probably hurt and surprised that you felt it necessary to carry on a charade of being Jewish.

I would love to share the story of our friendship. I really was not accurate when I said I drew a “blank.” I think I just haven’t written much about any of my friends except Cheryl. I think I am now ready to write more about friendship, now that I’ve released all my traumatic memories. I did write about Marge, who was a big part of my folk dancing memories. When I saw Marge recently, we sang Ba’a M’nuchah – such haunting harmony! Today I sang the Israeli song “Eli Eli” at the nursing home where my mom is a resident!

So, I’m going to write about some of those memories. I might share some of our email exchange and what I’m going to do now is edit what you’ve written. I can also change your name if you want. Sam said I could call him Mohammad!

He’s very funny, isn’t he?

So look at your writing and see if anything is a problem for me to share. I am very much excited to be back in touch with you!

By the way, I sing “Both Sides Now” at every show practically! Come to think of it, writing this story is like both sides now!

Love, Judy

 

Oh Judy, where do I begin? I’ve been thinking about you all day and wondering how to bring you up to date, which stories to tell you first. And I can see from what you have written that I must write a chapter about the “charade” of being Jewish. It wasn’t a charade, at least not in the sense of me worrying about you caring what religion I was. It arose from an unfortunate chance, derogatory conversation I heard in college, regarding a person who converted to Judaism, and a perception of negativity, that I responded to in an attempt to protect myself from ridicule as I quietly studied how to be a Jew. But that is a story for another time!

And I feel that Sam must be another chapter, although one perhaps kept between us; we’ll see. Writing about Sam is going to be hard. I have no idea what (if anything) he told you about our relationship, and I don’t know if you feel comfortable telling me–your call.

I’m not sure how much time I’ll be spending on this in the next few days, but I’ll have lots of time to write next week since my husband will be out-of-town and my normal routine can be adjusted. So bear with me!

This is going to be interesting…

Carol

Hi Carol,

It’s funny, but I was just writing about you now.

I can even share my writing in progress – I should be done with it soon. There really isn’t that much, Carol. It’s all so simple.

Sam has truly been a gentleman. He said little about you – he said you hated Texas, and he understood that! He mentioned you didn’t have any children, and here he and I have both had four kids! As you know from my blog now, my life has been filled with tremendous challenges from having children. I have no regrets, though.

I am actually sensitive to the fact that my writing about you might embarrass him, so I’m going to have to think that through.

I think when we were twenty we were both immersed in huge, life changes. Once I was married and isolated with my art career – all of my friends disappeared; not just you. I did maintain some contact with Cheryl, but not much. She was in grad school and after that, we lost touch also.

I am sorry for using the word “charade;” that wasn’t gentle. I guess I was a little hurt that you weren’t able to tell me. But obviously, it had nothing to do with me – you had reasons that you’ve shared. I think I felt sad that I was never able to meet your family after so many years!

I’ll send you my rough draft soon. I love looking at these old pictures, too.

I don’t think you have to write much. Your “shock” was palpable and I sense so much warmth in your missing our friendship. Now we’re all grown up and there is so much insight into everything!

I would love to hear what you’ve done over these last, thirty years!

Love, Judy

My twentieth birthday was a wonderful outing. We drove out to Lake Hughes and I have many beautiful pictures from that day. With Carol are (from left to right) Cheryl, Hillary, and Cindy.

 

 

 

 

 

After this exchange, I shared with Carol my draft for the prior post. I wanted her permission before putting it on my blog.

Judy, hold off on this one, will you? I need more time to process what you wrote and how to reply.

 

There were no crosses in my family’s house. That isn’t why you weren’t invited in. The truth is much harder to write about, and I’m tired and going to bed now. Can this wait a day or two?

With all my love, Carol

Of course it can wait!!!!

I hope I didn’t upset you. Look, this has waited over thirty years. I have written about many traumatic things, and I’m very honest. I’ve been doing a lot of this, so it’s familiar for me. Perhaps this is a heavy load for you – I sense it is.

I don’t want you to be uncomfortable – it absolutely isn’t necessary for “my journey.” I’ve had a wonderful time with what I’ve been doing, and I thought it was so amazing to hear from Sam after all these years.

Anyway, I think it’s fine to process. I am so sorry about my assumption about the crosses.

Love, Judy

Dear Judy,

No, you didn’t make me uncomfortable–I’ve been processing my childhood for a long time now and writing about it is always helpful. But I need to find a way to convey the gist to you without penning the Great American Novel! After all, it’s your blog and not mine!

So here’s an e-mail you can include if you like, to explain both the Judaism thing and why you weren’t invited in:

I wasn’t raised with any particular religious belief. I yearned for a trustworthy sense of history, and for community, and continuity–something greater than me to belong to–and found myself drawn to Judaism. As a teenager, I spoke of my interest in Judaism to our neighbor, a rabbi, and he advised me to “live into it”.

So I did. In college, I took classes and attended noontime Torah discussions, got involved in Jewish social groups and wrote a couple of poems and articles for the Jewish student newspaper, immersed myself as much as I could in Jewish life. I decided to keep my interest in conversion to myself. I tried to “pass” and told people that I WAS Jewish. I reasoned–again, erroneously–that my “conversion of the heart” was as good as a formal conversion. And once you live with a deception long enough, you come to believe it and it’s very hard to extricate yourself from it.

Luckily, once I started getting serious with Sam–before we were even engaged, I think–he convinced me to drop the deception and go for the real thing. I

converted to Judaism for real when I was 22. It was a very profound experience, and I’m really so sorry, Judy, for my deception and the pain it caused. It would have been so nice if we’d been able to get past that and you could have shared that experience with me…When people ask if I converted in order to marry a Jew, I can honestly say “no”, but Sam was indeed instrumental in my conversion.

As to why you were never invited into my home, when I was always so very welcome in yours, it’s because my home was, simply put, horribly uninviting. I suspect my mother was clinically depressed, at the very least, and probably had additional psychiatric problems. But she never sought help and so I’ll never know. She was a chain smoker and didn’t take good care of herself (she died of lung disease in 2002). Mom didn’t take good care of the house, either. On the BEST days, we lived in comfortable chaos.

Usually, though, it was more like squalor.

The best times were when she had a job; she would at least then put on clean clothes and get out of the house, get some activity and stimulation. But other times, she’d sit until noon in a dirty bathrobe, chain-smoking and watching TV. In the afternoons she’d take long naps on the living room couch, and we were very careful not to disturb her, because her moods were unpredictable and usually angry.

We were never encouraged to have friends over, but I didn’t WANT friends over, I was too ashamed and embarrassed. My mom’s ashtrays were constantly overflowing; dog poop and pee would sit around for days before someone cleaned it up, dirty dishes would be piled up in the sink and on the counters until someone had to do dishes (which, invariably was me), and the kitchen garbage-can habitually overflowed onto the floor.

I was the only person who ever cleaned the refrigerator and it always made my stomach ache from disgust and anger, it looked like a science experiment gone wrong; the laundry room was ankle-deep in dirty clothes; the toilets were often overflowing…etc. etc. etc. And my mom was half crazy, on top of it all!

I loved my mother, but I was scared to death of her, and didn’t like being around her. Small wonder that I preferred to visit with my friends in their homes, always feeling guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate in kind.

I hope that this helps explain some things. I’m sorry that we couldn’t/ didn’t talk about all this 30 years ago, because maybe our friendship would have continued. But these are things I didn’t work out myself until I was in my early 30s, which I’ll tell you about in the future!

Love, Carol

Ps. Do you know, one of my secret, aching dreams was to sing with you one day again?

Hi Carol,

As far as singing together – that’s not a maybe – that is a for sure! Unless you’ve lost your vocal chords. I found mine! We’re not too old!

Your writing aches with honesty. I am so sorry for the stress you must have endured. It was interesting for me to realize that I never judged you for not inviting me in while I was younger. I’ll admit I was curious. However, I think when you shared your conversion, it caused me to look at things differently.

I love what you’ve written today, and haven’t had a chance to really delve into it yet – I was busy recording another song. Since you mentioned Ba’a Menucha, I’ve gotten it into my head.

I love my musical life now and all of the closure from revisiting my youth has been immensely healing for me. I think from your writing, you might have achieved it in this instance also.

I miss you and would love to see you again.

Love, Judy

Ps. Memories are flooding back all at once. It is wonderful.

Judy,

I am so glad we reconnected. I miss you, too, and look forward to when we can plan a time to meet in person. And no, I haven’t lost my vocal chords–I’m rusty and need some good old Frankie warm-ups (I love that you’ve been corresponding with her! I adored her, too) but just a few weeks ago, when I sang the Star Spangled Banner at the Hollywood Bowl (yes, they still start with an audience sing-along!), a woman turned to me afterwards and told me how beautiful my voice was (:

I think I will try to bring you up to date in my life chronologically, starting with my relationship with Sam, particularly why it didn’t work out. I’ll try to be diplomatic, because I know how highly you regard him.

Love, Carol

Ps. Maybe, someday, we can sing it together again…

That’s not a maybe – that is a for sure!

I was actually going to ask you to update me – especially about the religion part. Are you still practicing Judaism?

Thank you for your openness – it is beautiful for me, because I have a lot of people who enjoy reading my blog. So many people can appreciate our life experiences!

I am going to put you in touch with Frankie, if that’s okay. She would love to know that we’ve reconnected.

Tonight, I’ll think of you when I play. I always play Both Sides Now.

Love, Judy

ps. Your secret, aching dream can become reality. When your hubby is gone next week, come on over and sing with me!

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment