myjourneysinsight

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN-PART 1

Posted on November 3, 2010 by Judy

This is a picture from my honeymoon. My guitar is next to me on the right side.

It Might Have Been Arrangement 2015

LESSON WITH PEACHES – 10/29/10 – IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

A memory . . .

I was tired; driving home from college at CSUN. I was approaching the intersection only a block away from my home. Suddenly, a car made a left turn directly in front of me. It happened so fast and I couldn’t stop. I hit my brakes and plowed into the car.

There was a sickening thud, and my car screeched to a halt. In slow motion my body whipped forward and I heard a crunching noise as I hit the steering wheel.

Now it was quiet. I sat there and realized that I was very wet. I looked down at all the blood on my lap – it was pouring from my mouth. It seemed strange that I didn’t feel any pain, though.

I don’t usually share the card covers, but this one was special. I used to play that song by Gordon Lightfoot. Carol sent me this one. Clicking on this makes it larger.

My friends rallied around me after that car accident. Marge was even worried about my poor car (It was totalled).

My journey has been so fascinating for me. As I have been rediscovering my songwriting passion, the past and the present have completely intersected!

When I began playing my guitar in February – I pulled out my songbook that held all of my original songs. There were approximately, thirty songs. I only remembered twenty of them, and it was mostly due to an old, cassette I had recorded in 1980. Earlier this year when I reconnected with Steve, my childhood friend, he offered to make me a digital copy of that cassette. At that time, I had no idea how to play or edit songs on my computer.

I now edit all of my own “lesson clips,” and home recordings. I have learned so much on my computer about music!

I put aside all the song sheets for songs I had no recollection of. As I became close to finishing the recordings of all the songs I remembered, I decided to pull out those old, song sheets.

Several of them captivated me with their chord progressions – but not with the lyrics. A month ago, I decided to work on two of them. One was the song I recently recorded, “It You Should See Me Again” and the other was “It Might Have Been.”

My song “It Might Have Been,” was written in 1980 when I was twenty years old. It was at the time that I became engaged.

I wasn’t sure about the lyrics to this particular song. Last month, when I sang the lyrics about “kissing in an ocean mist,” I felt fairly embarrassed! However, with the melody I was transported back to that period in my life.

This song reminded me a lot of my song “Crystal Oceans.” I only remembered the song’s melody on the very first line with the title. It motivated me enough to want to expand the song. Since I had no memory of the melody, I had to painstakingly construct one. It took me several weeks.

When I was finished, I enjoyed singing this song so much that I played it at Kulak’s Woodshed a few days ago. I became quite excited to embrace my vocal range – I went for a super, high note because it just felt like it belonged in my song. Why not?

My journey has been all about joy and taking chances. I continue to feel lighter and freer every single day.

I am able to share more background on “It Might Have Been.”

The three verses speak to my relationship with Michael. The first verse was our romance. The second verse was when I left him, because he was far too serious for me.

Then there was the last verse. I wrote: “It might have been, when I called to you in my pain . . .”

In 1980, I was in a car accident about a block from my home. It was a painful experience for me at that time in my life. However, it was not a huge trauma compared to later events in my life!

My accident was prior to my becoming engaged. It was not my fault. My seat belt had been broken – I did have the lap part on, but not the shoulder harness. In those days they were separate, and my father hadn’t gotten around to having it fixed for me.

My head hit the steering wheel and my lower teeth broke through my chin, leaving a gaping hole. I remember there was a lot of blood, but no pain.

After the impact, I sat for a moment and got out of my car. I was told to lie down on the pavement. Unfortunately, one of our neighbors was driving by and saw my wrecked car, and me lying on the ground, as well.

I can only imagine how it went when she raced to get my mother, approaching her with an ashen face and shaking voice! My mother came immediately, however, rather than wait for an ambulance my mother decided to drive me to the emergency room. I had to wait almost six hours to get stitches on my face.

It was a big mistake not to have a plastic surgeon do the repair on my face. When my oldest son was bitten on his face by a dog, I had a plastic surgeon called in as a result of this lesson. I was left with a prominent scar on my chin. Unfortunately, the scar did not heal well, and every time I smiled I had a pulling, crooked grin.

Two years later, I had plastic surgery to minimize my “keloid scar” – as it was called.

A few months after the car accident, I appreciated my relationship with Michael very much and decided I was ready to get married.

Cheryl’s cards to me were always especially loving.

I entered George’s studio this morning. I told him I was tired. Usually I can manage with only four hours of sleep, but today I was dragging a little.

I recorded the guitar track fairly quickly – it wasn’t too complicated. I did resolve my issue of whether to repeat certain chords on the first line of each verse. I decided not to draw it out so long.

I was about to sing. “George, this is my last song for a while – I have nothing left for you to arrange,” I said. I felt wistful as I said that.

At that moment, I felt a wave of tears wash over me. I was completely emotional as salty tears filled my eyes and throat. I was about to sing about kissing and it had been such a long time since I have had romance in my life.

I cleared my throat, and gathered my emotions. I sang my song with complete abandon and was transported back.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

It might have been the very first time we kissed

lightly sprayed by an ocean mist,

my mind was in a blur

I remember how shy you were

–

No, it might have been the time that I left you

Loneliness filled my dreams; you were my closest friend

and longing in my heart wouldn’t end

CHORUS:

I’d never felt that way before

love was something new

I often wonder when it was

I fell in love with you

It might have been the time I called to you in my pain

As I shook, you held me close; with you I’m not afraid

and through those darkest nights you stayed

–

CHORUS

–

All those times, so long ago

Are in my memory

I still remember how you loved me

–

CHORUS

–

All those times: when we first kissed, when I left you,

when I called to you, it might have been . . .

–

Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, composing, creativity, Daily Life, guitar, I often wonder when it was, Judy Unger, Love was something new, lovesong, lovesongs, lyric development, lyrics, marraige, Music, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, singing, songs about love, songwriting, voice lessons | Leave a comment

THE PAINS AND JOYS OF WHAT WE ARE

Posted on November 3, 2010 by Judy

The Pains and Joys of What We Are. Written 8/23/79 by Carol for Judy.

In February of this year, I dug inside the two, file boxes in my closet that were filled with memorabilia of my life. My boxes held hundreds of cards, letters, and interesting items going back to preschool..

Last night, I opened the boxes again. I wanted to see if I had any cards from my friend, Carol. I will be seeing her this week for the first time after thirty-one years! I thought it might be interesting to find some cards to add to my story. I ended up with a stack of new material!

In addition to the two, file boxes. I have one very special box that was made for me on my twenty-first birthday by my friend, Bonnie. I never mention Bonnie because I’ve been sad that we lost touch when Jason was ill. I sent her a letter asking why I didn’t hear from her, and never got a response.

Bonnie and I traveled to the east coast before my formal wedding. It was my first experience on a commercial airplane (Mike had arranged for me to go on a small plane a few weeks before). I was also my first experience of being far away from home. I have wonderful memories of that trip.

I’ve often wondered if I’ll reconnect with Bonnie again someday.

Bonnie and I had a lot of adventures together.

Inside my special box were many cards from Cheryl, some of which I already had scanned and put into the book I made for her before she died.

It was in there that I found some cards from Carol. As I read a certain one, I was simply astounded. It was beautiful!

I decided to share it with her this morning.

Inside my “special box.”

My wood-laminated memory box given to me by my friend, Bonnie. We were very close. I wish I had a copy of the picture of me with my guitar on the phone on the left side of the cover.

On Nov 2, 2010, Judy wrote:

Good morning, Carol!

My journey has been so fascinating for me. I have no idea why, but I decided to go back into my memorabilia boxes last night.

I realized that I hadn’t shared any cards from you and wanted to find something! Well, I came across an amazing note that you wrote to me after our evening at the Hollywood Bowl. I could scarcely believe it!

Here’s a transcription of your note (as well as the actual note).

Love, Judy

Ps. It was beautiful writing, by the way.

For Judy

We have long agreed

that no earthly force

can sever our bond of friendship

much have we shared,

so many trials of our unity;

now, this ultimate test.

All that was unsaid

is now divulged;

A floodgate has opened, unforeseen.

How could we have known

What words our confidence would lead to?

Our heads are spinning,

Our insecurities aroused.

Are we strong enough

To stay afloat

in this torrent of disclosure?

But I know the answer.

My trust in you,

In us,

Supersedes all doubt.

I trust you with my life and soul,

I have faith in your understanding.

If our love is worth

Anything at all

And I know that

It is worth the world to us,

Then it will but grow stronger

And we will be ever closer,

Better able to share

The pains and joys of what we are.

I love you, Carol

I know, I know – I’ve shown myself in a bikini enough already!

On Nov 2, 2010, Carol wrote:

Oh, my word, Judy. I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember writing that poem and I feel so chastened and sorry that in spite of my affirmations of love and trust, we still lost touch. Still, I know that I meant every word. And I have missed you so much over the years. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so looking forward to seeing you on Thursday!

Love, Carol

Carol,

The LAST thing I would want is for you to feel chastened! We both stayed out of touch – it wasn’t just you. And honestly, for me to read such a BEAUTIFUL poem written for me – I am still so honored. It doesn’t matter that we lost touch. The feelings were there.

I was unable to maintain friendship with anyone for many of those 30 years. So how much better it is now that I am open again and happy to reconnect!!!!

Love, Judy

I found a lot of wonderful items in those boxes. I was thinking my blog was reaching a final destination with the end of my song recordings; however, I have a large stack of items to scan now.

Once again, the “writer inside” of me has emerged. I can’t believe how much I still want to write about!

I have continued to correspond with Sam, and it has been very interesting for me. He has been reading my blog. Sam was very complimentary when he suggested a career opportunity for me that could “provide me with a steady stream of revenue.”

I replied to him and felt myself twist into knots as I wrote my response. It was the reminder of how much I had tormented myself with the career change that was thrust upon me five years ago.

It was then that I had so much clarity! I clearly am going to continue to do exactly what I am doing regardless of revenue.

Although I’m sorry if this affects my family, I am finally going to live the rest of my life doing what I love. I have made a lot of sacrifices through the years, and I am not waiting any longer to be alive. Being creative is my life force! Without it, I feel my heart shriveling up and dying inside.

I will do whatever is necessary to maintain this creative renaissance.

I am confident of my value, and I cannot see myself doing anything other than what I am doing.

My creative writing back then was cute – a “nasty recipe!” I wrote this when I was thirteen-years-old.

This really had me cracking up!

A recent picture from performing at an open mic.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged career change, childhood friendship, Friendship, writing | 1 Comment

IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Judy

PEACHES LESSON 10/29/10 – “IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME”–

Lately, balancing my ordinary life with my ambitions has been challenging. I am writing for two blogs, performing, perfecting songs, and recording them.

It is also not a simple thing to record a song. Quite often, I need to reconstruct my song’s format; sometimes I change lyrics or chords around. Before going to see George to record my song, I must be certain of those things.

My “Journey’s Insight” has unfolded with the stories behind my songs. Perhaps I was supposed to end with my wedding song, which was my last musical composition. However, it seems that it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve rediscovered more songs that are worthy of recording. I have been practicing them for a few weeks.

I am amazed at how my blog has grown so large. I enjoy writing and sharing, so I plan to continue. Also, lately my journey has become very interesting for me!

Originally, the song “If You Should See Me,” was one that I probably wrote when I was separated from Michael. However, I am not sure, and it’s quite possible it was written for Sam.

I experienced a lot of indecision when I was trying to decide whom I would marry!

It was interesting to record a song that addressed my memories of indecision during my time with Sam. I was very torn and conflicted; I like the idea of singing this song now with all my insight!

I still have eight more song sheets to draw from if I choose to. I don’t remember the melodies to most of these songs, however, I like some of the chord progressions.

My heart has been aching lately with all the poignant feelings from remembering my youth. I might actually be able to write a new song at some point. Just thinking about that is very exciting for me!

Today, when I went to George’s studio to finish my arrangement of this song, I told him I felt a little sad that I only had one song left that was ready to record.

George told me he had been thinking about my songwriting and wanted to share some thoughts he had about that.

He said, “Jude, I have a theory. My feeling is that the best word to describe what you’ve been doing with your song recording is purging. You are purging out everything in order to have a clean slate to begin new stuff. Once you’re empty, I think you’re going to be coming out with some new things!”

I told George – writing a song was a lot of contemplation and hard work. I hadn’t really composed any serious music in a long time!

I said, “George, there’s no way I’m coming to you with a new song weekly! Don’t expect me to just pop one out every week!”

To which George replied, “Jude, I disagree. I think you’ll be popping out songs in a day!”

I grinned in amazement at the thought. My next, upcoming song has been sounding very nice for me. I’m looking forward to hearing a beautiful arrangement, which I’m certain George will create for it.

IF YOU SHOULD SEE ME

Wading through marshes in my mind

hoping I’ll see you again

searching for nothing, I was so blind

hoping I’ll see you again

CHORUS:

But if you should see me

you’d think I would rather

be out somewhere looking for more

but if you should see me

what would it matter?

‘cause I’ve had all my chances before

Fading through passages of my life

hoping I’ll see you again

feeling regret for being unkind

hoping I’ll see you again

CHORUS

Facing tomorrow, what will I find?

if you should see me again . . .

Sometimes I’ve wondered, what is my fate?

Insight, it often comes late

CHORUS

Facing tomorrow, what will I find?

if you should see me again . . .

I tend to close my eyes a lot when I sing. I try to remember not to, but it’s hard.

This week truly reminded me that I was on a journey. I felt like I had traveled so very far in my life from the time when I was a teenager. There were many different paths I could have taken. How did I know which ones to follow to get to the place where I am now?

I didn’t find my insight until this morning. With clarity comes peace. I am appreciative and grateful for my clarity!

When I was younger and making those enormous “life choices” regarding a husband and career, I was filled with uncertainty and doubt. It was interesting this week to record my song that spoke exactly to that subject!

However, I am grateful that I followed my intuition, despite the immaturity of youth, which certainly made things more complicated.

An old Halloween memory. Jason loved trick or treating, but was unable to eat candy without vomiting after.

This week, I briefly did wonder what my life might have been like had I married Sam, my former boyfriend. I think that was a natural thought process.

As I read and wrote pages and pages to and from both Carol and Sam this week, my confusion eventually turned into clarity. Carol wrote out the reasons for them not getting married. It was much more about her youth and uncertainty, than about anything he had done.

Both Carol and I had some striking similarities, because our mothers influenced us greatly in making our decisions. She had no regrets.

The part that was truly important for me, was reading her realization of following her intuition on her life’s journey.

Marriage is challenging. However, I love my husband and although there are times that I long for the romantic love of my youth, I celebrate how fortunate it was that I chose someone who has been completely supportive of my journey. When it started out as an artistic journey, he was there for me, too. Now if only he would be less grouchy after work! However, after I feed him a “snack,” he’s much better!

What has been most beautiful for me this week was that I have reconnected and added two more friends into my life.

There is always a place in my life for caring, good friends!

New Halloween memories: Our little “devil,” named Killer in his Halloween costume!

This past Saturday, it was a beautiful morning. As I drove to see my hypnotherapist, Connie, I marveled at the amazing and dramatic sky that morning. There were intense colors and textures everywhere I looked, but I needed to keep my eyes on the freeway.

I walked through the garden toward her guesthouse. I felt so alive as I inhaled the exquisite fragrance of flowers around me.

After perhaps two years of working with her, I decided I was finally ready.

I left the session feeling calm. The tearstains on my cheeks were still damp, but my heart was light. While under hypnosis, I was finally able to say all the things that were deeply buried inside of me for over thirty years. I told my mother how I felt about her insistence that I marry when I did.

My transformation was complete. I had left behind the person I used to be since the age of 21. My different voice, personality, and thoughts had me feeling as if I had entered a time machine. I felt as young as I did when I was twenty, but I carried all of the wisdom and insight from my journey of the last thirty-one years.

I was indescribably happy.

Tagged acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Daily Life, Friendship, guitar, Halloween and grief, Hypnotherapy, lovesongs, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, writing | Leave a comment

HOPING I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN – PART 2

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Judy

BA’A M’NUCHA

Recording above of an Israeli song Carol and Judy used to sing

Good morning, Judy!

I just read your most recent post. What wonderful memories those photos and your recollections brought back! You write very movingly about the role of friends and music in your life, and about your feelings when we lost touch. I still can’t believe we let that happen.

I want to write about my relationship with Sam. Your experience with him may have been completely different, and I absolutely don’t want anything I say to besmirch your memory of him. Each relationship has its own dynamic. He was just completely wrong for me. I’m sure, that the soundtrack to this part of my life was Carly Simon’s “That’s The Way I Always Heard It Should Be!”

Not only was Sam the wrong man for me to marry, I was absolutely not ready to get married to anyone. I’d never lived on my own, never traveled, never had a chance to be, as Carly sang, “me first, by myself.”

My break-up with Sam was very sudden and dramatic. I know it took him by surprise; he didn’t really deserve that. I don’t think he ever understood what I wanted from the relationship. Then there was the issue of children. I’d always assumed when I was growing up, without thinking much about it, that I would get married and have kids some day. That’s just what people did, without questioning it. Well, during one of our arguments, I shouted, “I don’t have to have children unless I want to!” What I’d said was one of those things you blurt out in an argument, yet the minute the words left my mouth, I knew they were true. I didn’t have to have children unless I wanted to. Maybe I would, maybe not, but it was an option, not an obligation; my choice, not my biological destiny. And I never wavered from that realization in the years to come.

I have shared with you many of my other reasons for not marrying Sam (not for the blog). If I sound angry and bitter and hard on Sam, it’s because I WAS for many, many years. It wasn’t until I attended my 30-year high school reunion that this changed. I saw Sam there. We had a very cordial conversation. He seemed like a nice enough guy. I realized after our conversation that I was tired of carrying around all that anger and negative feeling, it took too much energy, and it was time to let it go. And *poof* there it went.

Love, Carol

It was very interesting to read this entry from 1980 in my diary. I pondered the paragraph where I mentioned I lied. It took awhile for me to understand that I must have told Sam I was engaged to Michael, before it happened. (Clicking on this brings it up larger)

Hi Carol,

I was going to surprise you, but I am planning to do a recording of Ba’a Menucha. I’ll just do it on Garage Band by myself. I just pulled out the songbook – it is quite beautiful.

Thank you for your honest sharing. I appreciate that you opened up so much to me, and I am sorry for what must have been a challenging chapter in your life. It was a good thing that you followed your heart.

I loved that Carly Simon song by the way. I used to sing it all the time!!!

Thank you so much for giving me peace tonight, as I process so much. Your words remind me that I also followed my intuition on my life’s journey.

I am happy with my life and feel so blessed with my family.

Love, Judy

Hi, Judy,

I’m very glad my story helped give you some perspective. I think we’ll have a lot to talk about when we see each other in person!

Looking forward to Post #200, and I can’t wait to hear your recordings, especially Ba’a Menucha! Have fun performing this weekend!

Have fun with your performance tonight, and let your spirit soar with your music!

Love, Carol

Carol with Cheryl and Cindy.

Are you okay with coming out to my house? Or I could come to you. I think with singing it would be nice not to be in public.

I think Thursday is the most open day for me next week.

I am going to work on editing and sharing our correspondence. I think we make so many choices in our life and the important part is to follow our intuition, which both you and I did. To question that is pointless. What a lesson that is for me!

Actually, I just had a thought – if you want, you can come over sometime and go with me when I perform at Borders. I have two mics and if you want, you could sing with me!

Love, Judy

Good Morning, Judy–

What a stunning day it is!

I would be happy to come out to your place, unless you need an excuse to get out of the house and want to come to me. Thursday morning would be great for me. That way I don’t have to worry about traffic coming back. As for singing with you; that’s such a nice invitation, but I’d have to work up to that one! I’m really out of practice and don’t remember very many songs in their entirety, not to mention I’ve never sung in public like that before.

As far as conveying in your blog anything I wrote about Sam, I have no problem with it at all. I have nothing to hide there and if you find a way to write about it that you are comfortable with, then I’m sure I will be as well.

Enjoy your music-making this weekend!

Love, Carol

Hi Carol!

Love your message. I am very excited about you coming over. My house is a little “messy” from my kids and pets; but after reading what you grew up with, I’ll know that you’ll be very accepting! I spend no time on housekeeping, and my housekeeper spends all her time cooking when she’s here in the evenings.

I just found out that my Borders performance tonight was cancelled, due to a poetry reading that got shifted into my time slot. That’s fine. Last night when I played at the Simi Borders, it was very quiet. I didn’t put my heart into it as much as I would have liked. I think I prefer to play my own songs, but worry that people only want “familiar” tunes. But since I’m doing this for fun, I think I’ll just play my own songs more if that makes me happy!

I’m glad I’ll be home tonight. I want to post our beautiful correspondence. I am working hard to edit it down, but that’s not an easy task. I do think your honest words about your mom’s housekeeping would be something a lot of people might relate to.

Anyway, I am most excited that I took the time yesterday to play around at home with B’a M’nucha. I’m enjoying listening to it on my iPod. The harmony is so beautiful and now you can have it all come back to you. I’m going to share my recording with you now. Enjoy!

Can’t wait to see you!!!!

Love, Judy

Judy, thank you.

I have goose bumps, and tears in my eyes.

All my love, Carol

I transposed this into two keys, in order to record separate guitar tracks.

To be fair, I shared my posts about Carol with Sam to make sure he was also comfortable. Here is our exchange:

On Oct 29, 2010, Sam wrote:

Thanks, Judy…I appreciate your sharing this. Hopefully, if Carol writes anything too inflammatory, (though I don’t know why she would), please tone it down for your blog.

I had kind of suspected the house issue…I didn’t want to share it first, because I didn’t want to portray Carol or her family in a bad light. And I simply overlooked it…would have been completely unfair of me to judge Carol on the basis of her family’s housekeeping…and as I mentioned, they were always very nice to me and included me many times in their family events…Sam

Hi Sam,

I am ready to post Part 2 of my correspondence with Carol. I want to share the section where she mentions breaking up with you. If it makes you uncomfortable, let me know how I could edit it in a way that doesn’t embarrass or bother you.

I’m actually going to see her next week (on Thursday). She is going to come out to my home.

I’ll wait to hear from you. Hope you had a nice Shabbat.

Judy

Hi Judy,

Ran to the city tonight for an engagement party for the daughter of one of my friends…it is so strange as we progress to the time where our friends kids are getting married, and soon ours as well…we are becoming our parents generation…I definitely have not processed that!

You can certainly post what Carol has written.

I am glad that she has let go of those angry feelings, and hope that she has the life and relationship that she wants. I certainly wish the best for her! (That is so trite, but that isn’t how I mean it!)

Have a great time with Carol next week. Your friendship was very important to her. If I was, in some way, responsible for your “breakup”, then it is only fitting that I helped to bring you back together….Sam

Hi Sam,

It has been awkward to be “in the middle!”

I can certainly say that my losing touch with her were because of the circumstances of her engagement to you and the move. However, that being said – I didn’t move much (my parents lived at 6000) for years and years. She could always have found me when her life changed. I posted my diary page. I knew I’d probably never hear from her again.

And I wouldn’t if I hadn’t become this new person eager for reconnecting! Thank you for helping me on “my journey of growth” to find her!

When I saw my diary page, it said I “lied to you” about being engaged to Mike. Gosh, I didn’t remember that! I was going to remove the line, but decided to show what a flawed person I was!

Have a great day, Judy