ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 1

ALABASTER SEASHELL

 

Click the blue links below to play audio:

It was still dark outside. My husband had left for work and the house was quiet. I felt the chill and rubbed my hands together for warmth. While still in my bathrobe, I picked up my guitar and began to scrawl the lyrics that were forming in my head.

A few moments earlier, I had been lying in bed thinking about my song. For several weeks, I was uncertain how to finish it. Now these new lyrics would tie my song together. All the pieces were filled in; completing my song was just like a puzzle!

I felt enthused and excited to have a new song to record. It wasn’t completely “new,” because it was inspired by three, old verses of lyrics and their chords.

I have recorded songs that I’ve left unchanged from how I wrote them thirty years ago. And then, there are a few songs that truly, feel new for me. This song does in many ways. I wasn’t in a rush to record it the way it was originally written.

As an illustrator, I have always liked the structure that came with receiving an assignment. Having perimeters, gave me a place to start rather than having to come up with completely, new ideas. When there were too many possibilities, I never knew where to begin!

Having “partial lyrics” and chords, was the structure that allowed for me to feel creative. My newest song still required a lot of chord composing, as well as melody and lyric additions.

I have wondered about whether I am closer to writing a song “from scratch.” I have no idea about where my journey is going and whether musical composing will be in my future.

Although I wanted my newest song to be unique from my other songs, it wasn’t meant to be. Even though it was about a seashell, it still reflected two, common themes of mine.

Those themes are: memories and the love that remains later on.

My songs, Memory of Love and Beside Me Always reflect this. I’ve decided my song can still be beautiful, even if the theme is repetitive. As I finished my last line of lyrics, the memories flooded back. My song was originally written about a young girl being given a seashell memento by her lover – so I thought!

However, as I sang my song, I flashed back to a day at the beach with my child. He was holding a seashell to add to his collection.

Seashell 3

For this song, I knew I had a painting somewhere of a white shell to use for a “song cover.” For fun, I’d like to share some of the choices I played around with!

“Selecting” (that’s also a Photoshop term) which seashell I’d incorporate reminded me of the thousands of hours I spent developing my extensive, “library of stock images.”

MORE ABOUT MY SEASHELL PAINTINGS ON THIS POST:

#115 SHE SELLS SEASHELLS

When I created “stock images,” I put in an extraordinary amount of time developing keywords. I was hopeful that all those keywords would allow people to find my images through search engines. I have not made much money selling stock illustration!

If I ever decide to write another seashell song, I would have plenty of inspiration for new lyrics by looking at my list of keywords on one of my seashell illustrations at Alamy. I really did want to find an alternate word for “alabaster,” but I couldn’t find one I liked as much – even with this list!

Here are the keywords that correspond with the illustration below it:

seashell shell sand Volute collection triton shallow shore collect clam variation specimen spots delicate exotic group bunch spiral shadow mollusk scallop cowry limpet seashore beach cockle oyster whelk helmet cone volute spiny auger common bivalve mussel conch pattern grains barnacle bury medley ornamental graceful murex whorl bulbous lines cylindrical polished aperture gastropod painted natural search periwinkle snail tusk luster pearl marine tide tidal fragile durable beautiful realistic real photorealism coast extension body hue numerous bright perfect shine waxy assortment arrangement arrange whole horizontal format unique simple contrast saturated vibrant brilliant smooth surround striped striation attached “olive shell” “worm shell” “top shell” “rock shell” “pen shell” hinge concentric chiton ribs wentletrap stromb turret mantle whorl organic exquisite remarkable scatter resting buried sprinkle granular grains warm prismatic limpit mollusk Triton cone volute spindle shell nature


THE ALABASTER SEASHELL

The alabaster seashell rests

gently in the sand

the tide sweeps to its refuge

leaving it to gleam

in drifting, dune-like patterns


The alabaster seashell rests

gently in his hand

he tells her how he found it

a treasured memory

and reminder of his love


That seashell once held a living thing

It’s beauty remains to always bring

reminders of days like the one

combing the seashore in a brilliant sun


The alabaster seashell rests

gently in her hand

she feels his love is with her

even though he’s gone

the seashell glistens with her tears


That seashell once held a living thing

It’s beauty remains to always bring

reminders of days like the one

holding him tightly in a setting sun


The alabaster seashell rests

gently on her stand

it gathers dust with time

like the love that is

among her treasured memories

like the love that is

a treasured memory

Below is an excerpt about this story from my audio book:

 

My song, “Alabaster Seashell” began with three simple stanzas I wrote when I was 17. I vaguely remembered only part of the melody for the “Alabaster Seashell.”  But it was the beautiful chord progressions, which utilized a different guitar tuning, that enraptured me. I knew my song needed something more, but I had no idea how I was going to expand my song about a seashell. I started to experiment to see what I could come up with.

 

I have always loved seashells and deeply appreciated their indescribable beauty. When my art career first began, I received an assignment to create a series of eight, large paintings of seashells, which would be marketed as prints. As I painted dozens of seashells, I became quite familiar with their intricate shapes and colors.

 

I was surprised how telling the story of a seashell memento also stirred up many emotions inside of me. My memories of collecting seashells began during childhood. I kept jars of them in my bedroom and each shell represented a beautiful memory of a day spent searching the seashore. With those feelings, I started to compose some new lyrics to add to my song, but then I had such a major revelation with “The Alabaster Seashell” that it took my breath away.

 

My song was originally based upon the story of a boyfriend giving me a seashell when I was in my teens. With that story, I pictured myself older and looking back at the treasured memory my boyfriend gave me long ago, after we were no longer in love. But as I sang my old melody, suddenly my heart took me somewhere else. I was swept to a clear day at the beach. I squinted as the brilliant sun warmed my soul. My young son was walking with me along the seashore. Then, he bent down and excitedly cupped a sparkling white seashell in his hands to show me. His blue eyes were shining. The revelation of how my song had changed and the memory of that tender moment caused me to become overwhelmed with emotion. I realized that I had discovered how my song could be expanded.

 

I decided that a seashell was a beautiful metaphor about seeing death in a positive way. The creature that once inhabited the seashell left something beautiful behind when it died. Although the creature was gone, the seashell could bring comfort with its beauty and with the memories. The “Alabaster Seashell” reminded me of a magnificent day combing the beach with Jason. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I quickly scrawled out additional lyrics for my song.

 

The chords and melody to those new lyrics easily flowed right out from my heart. I was amazed at the process; it was as if they were simply waiting to be discovered. My song was now complete; it had two new choruses and an extra verse that even mentioned my tears. On the second chorus, I decided to change one line. I switched “combing the seashore in a brilliant sun,” to “holding him tightly in a setting sun.” With that change on the second chorus, I vividly pictured myself holding Jason that day at the beach. The setting sun represented how I felt in my heart that I would lose him someday; I knew our time together could not last. Because of this, I treasured every moment with him. Composing my song was also a parallel to the way I currently feel about my life; I strive to make each day count.

Below are links to more stories about this song, written years later:

ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 2

 ALABASTER SEASHELL-PART 3

— –

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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THE BEAUTY REMAINS

Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents' dry cleaning shop.

Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.

This post celebrates my joy during this Thanksgiving holiday. My appreciation is boundless. I am thankful for every aspect of my life.

Every year at this time, I am reminded of my “friend in grief” – Lori (Post #2). Her young son, Matthew, died a few days before Thanksgiving. The holiday was never the same for me since knowing Lori. She and Matthew are always in my heart.

Today, I feel the desire to write about memory and love. Maybe it was no coincidence that this theme has repeated for me.

“My Journey’s Insight” began with me picking up my guitar again after thirty years. It was completely due to my childhood friend, Joni’s encouragement and her offer to introduce me to a music producer.

I am fairly certain that I would not be playing my guitar at this moment otherwise.

Although we weren’t close for many years, Joni and I have “reconnected” again. She has come to see me perform at Kulak’s Woodshed many times. Her support has fueled me. Soon, we are planning to meet with that same producer again. I certainly have a lot of improvement to share!

Two weeks ago while I was going through my memorabilia box, I found a letter from Joni written in 1982. She gave me permission to share it, and I told her I would try and answer her letter on my blog.

For several weeks I was trying to find a way to write something to her.

As I read Joni’s letter, it led me to a perplexing dilemma. Did I have enough empathy required to answer her letter thoughtfully? Recently I was trying to answer a question on one of my grief posts about empathy. It would be impossible for Joni to completely empathize with my losing a child – as it is for most people.

Therefore, since I did not experience trauma while growing up – how could I truly know what she felt and went through? I was aware of her sadness as a child, but not of her abusive situation. Some of it was remedied by the support my family extended to her.

I might not understand what she went through, but I did understand about trauma. My trauma simply occurred later in my life.

Time was needed for me to process those traumatic events.

I will never tell anyone grieving that they can expect happiness and peace later in their life. Those words were certainly not helpful for me when I was suffering.

However, my realization was that over the years – holding onto my memories of trauma prevented happiness.

The theme of memory and love has been very important for me, because it is precisely what has replaced my traumatic memories.

(Clicking on these pages makes them larger)

Dear Joni,

Here we are – grownups! I still cannot believe that I’ve known you since we were toddlers!

We have watched each other grow up. We have both faced different trials in our lives. Both of us have always said, “Someday when we’re old, we’ll play Monopoly together like we used to!”

You wrote that letter in 1982, and you asked me if you would be able to fulfill your potential. How does anyone know what his or her potential is? At that time, I wonder if you could have imagined you would graduate from UCLA with an English degree (as you did last year).

We’ve joked before about the possibilities for me. With all those bugs, I could have been a biologist! With the advocacy I have accomplished for my children, I could have been lawyer.

However, those things are simply degrees and professions. I prefer to consider “human potential” as a measurement of how kind or loving we become, despite our circumstances. With trauma it is so much easier to become bitter!

You have raised four children with your husband, and your home has been permeated with strong, religious values. You are such a kind and loving human being! You have risen to great heights, therefore, after experiencing a childhood that was fearful and sad.

I know that my memories define me. With age, I have found I have so many to choose from!

While I was grieving, I did not have a choice about my thoughts. Sometimes still, my subconscious carries more than I want to remember. Perhaps that is why hypnotherapy has helped me so much.

The term, “thoughts equal feelings” allowed for me to hold positive thoughts, which in turn made me feel better. I have let go of the “opera of Jason’s death” and have instead chosen memories of his love.

When you remember your parents, perhaps it would be helpful for you to remember their love. I am certain they loved you, even with their flaws and those “scary moments.”

Remembering those memories of their love, and surrounding yourself with that leads to feeling uplifted, rather than despondent.

I love and appreciate you very much,

Friends forever,

Judy

Joni & Judy

Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.

Last February w. Joni

Joni and I as young girls. We rarely could play together because she was always working at her parents’ dry cleaning shop.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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FADING THROUGH PASSAGES OF MY LIFE

This is for comparison. I was 15 and he was 17.

Judy and Sam thirty-six years after the prior picture.

From: Judy

To: Sam

Sent: Sat, November 20, 2010 11:31:22 PM

Subject: The pictures!

Hi Sam,

It was so nice to visit with you and your wife. She is simply lovely and quite beautiful – you picked a wonderful woman. You’re a great guy, and certainly deserve it.

Boy that sounded like a lot of clichés – but I mean it!

Our pictures came out well. I don’t know what I would write about as far as our evening goes. I’m good at writing about trauma, and there wasn’t anything like that going on!

It was nice that I could share my music with you. It’s interesting singing now without a microphone. I’ve gotten used to that!

Thanks again for coming over; it was really such a terrific feeling to see you after all this time. You look great.

Take care, Judy

On Nov 21, 2010, at 12:11 AM, Sam wrote:

Judy,

I just sat down to write to you and you beat me to it!

Thanks so much for opening up your home to us…I really enjoyed meeting your family and getting to know Mike…he’s a really nice guy and I hope he enjoyed the evening as much as we did!

It’s so sad that everyone else around us has aged, but it’s pretty obvious that you and I didn’t! 🙂

Our own private concert…and your voice sounded great!  My challenge…I would really like to see you write a new song…from scratch…because it seems that as you finish recording your old songs, that there is a sense of finality and completion about it…what else do you record after you’re done with the last two?  A new song is a new beginning…maybe you will write more and maybe you won’t, but at least you know that your songwriting is part of the present, and not just the past.  And it should be a part of your present…you are great at it, and I bet its therapeutic…don’t close the door on it!

Glad there was no trauma to write about (though if I had sung with you there might have been…I am definitely “voice challenged”.)

Let’s not wait another 31 years before getting together…might be too hard to get the walker through the door!…Sam

HI Sam,

I am so touched by your statement about writing a new song! I don’t know much about how the songwriting process works for me – but I have begun that process in my “new life” very incrementally. I have felt tremendous and intense satisfaction with even writing parts of a song that are new. A verse, a new chorus, and recently a whole song of new lyrics – that was such a boost for me! I am certain you are right.

However, composing music does take an extraordinary amount of “unfettered” time. It will be awhile before I can find that kind of calm and unstructured time. Especially now that I am very ambitious about writing a book.

By the way, I actually worked on a few chords the other day for the two, missing classical pieces that I composed – I had been talking myself out of “rediscovering” them; saying it was “too hard.” But now I plan to relearn them. I have a lot that I want to do! I need to balance this with all the other passions in my life, and make time for exercise, my parents, and my family! How great it has been for me to wake up every morning with so much energy and excitement!

Today, I’m seeing George and I’m going to really focus on just finishing up songs for a CD. I am hoping that someday I’ll have the opportunity to re-record my songs with improvement (hopefully, I’ll have financial success to do that). But for now, I think I’ll try and sell a CD – I do not expect much revenue from it.

It is hard for me not to record my new “seashell” song. But my intuition tells me that I can improve the song’s structure with more lyrics. It has a lot going for it, and cannot be rushed. It is so much fun to record a new song, rather than fixing those other ones! But I always follow my intuition.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I’ve been thinking a lot – “What would I write about from last night?” My friends are all anxiously awaiting word. I still don’t know!

I had a nice evening, too. My face was tired from smiling so much. I’m noticing with age, that all that smiling has my eyes crinkling up to where I can hardly open them! Mike made the same joke – he said that our next picture would be with walkers. That’s funny you mentioned it, too.

My main question was “How did your wife feel?” I actually feel a lot of trepidation asking that. Last night, I wondered if I had totally upset her when I showed her the blog. I assumed she had seen it. When I pulled it up and she saw pictures of us – well I felt like an idiot! I’ve countered that embarrassment with hoping maybe that was for the best, because I did want her to be totally aware of our correspondence and everything. By the way, if she wants me to take our old pictures off the blog, I would – no problem. I realize it might embarrass your kids.

Michael made fun of me for my inability to sing “the first song I ever wrote.” He asked me when I was going to grow up! I don’t think anyone realizes that I have cracked up singing that song with Peaches, too. It is just one of those things.

The only teeny, pang I had was the discussion about my sharing so much on the blog in regards to my children. I think that was painful for me, because I have always been such a devoted mother to my children. I have grappled with what I have done “as therapy.” In my heart, I know you are probably right. My “audience” should be my children, not the blog. This has provoked a lot of soul searching for me. Why would I compromise my relationship with my children? Trust me, I even feel anguish over some of what I’ve written about my parents, too.

I think part of my healing has been expressing my stories with honesty to allow other people to experience what I have. I think that has more to do with the loneliness of facing so many challenges. With the triumphs and miracles I’ve achieved, I know that perhaps my stories and optimism could help others. I feel like this is almost a compulsion, because what could be more important than my own family – strangers? This has been a struggle for me.

As I edit now, I am able to remove things that might upset my children. It was truly wonderful seeing you – you look great! The day I write a new song, I will think of you.

Judy

Hi Judy,

I wouldn’t think that my wife would be upset at all by our 35 year old prom pictures…I had already told her about the blog anyway…those pictures bring back great memories, and I don’t think I have them anymore…I’m glad you kept them (though you could Photoshop them and make me look way cooler!)

I think its a great idea to put some of your best songs on CD, and then perhaps sell them at Border’s…maybe for $10 or so…once you have the CD, they cost nothing to reproduce, and if the price is reasonable, I don’t think anyone is going to spend the time to hunt down and download all of the songs from your website, then transfer them to their iPod…sure, its theoretically possible, but I’ll bet it won’t happen even once. Plus, the songs really do enhance the website…they are a part of your story. I would much rather purchase a CD than hunt down songs anytime!

Remember…age hasn’t affected us…just everyone else!

Judy, you have been completely devoted to your kids and everyone else around you (not that I would have ever expected any different). But I think what we discussed about your kids was echoed by Michael. He said that the kids talk more to him now, because they worry that if they talk to you it will show up on your blog.

On the other hand, you point out that the blog has helped you to heal, and has helped many others who have read it. And the stories are real, genuine, and inspiring. But, the most important thing in your life has got to be your husband and your kids. And the relationship that kids have with their mother is different than the relationship they have with their father. Mothers are special, and fathers can’t fill the place that mothers have in their kids’ world. I believe that your kids need to feel that they can talk to you without worry that the stories…good or bad…will appear on your blog.

Imagine how we would have felt if the same thing happened to us when we were teenagers…that every success or failure we had was immediately reported on the Internet the next day (if such a thing existed). I think that we would not have been as open with our parents.  And I don’t think it’s a question of balance, of competing interests. Don’t let anything compromise your relationship with your children…not even the blog (sorry!) You know my only intention is to be helpful, not critical!!…If I were you, I probably wouldn’t post this paragraph on the blog, just something I wanted to say privately to you, but you may post if you want.

Judy, if you do write a new song, you mentioned you would think of me. After my last paragraph, I suspect the title might be “You’re REALLY not the one!!”

Thanks for a great evening…enjoyed meeting the whole family….Sam

Hi Sam,

It’s interesting for me that I could not find a way to write about our evening together. I still have my “writing bug” because I was able to write about another subject this morning.

I think our correspondence would actually be a great thing for the blog. I am totally about sharing how human and flawed I am. I will include the part about my kids and my anguish.

As far as anything you’ve written, I’ll keep your family names, etc. out of it. I love our picture – it looks so cool putting it next to one of the old ones. I’m glad I don’t have to delete any pictures!

Take care, Judy

Ps. You might not have been “The One,” but you still have a special place in my heart. And that comes even after reading your well-intentioned, thoughtful advice. Even your career advice was thoughtful!

On Nov 23, 2010, at 12:08 AM, Sam wrote:

Hi Judy!

First off, it’s fine to post our correspondence.

You are not flawed!  Parenting is a challenge for all of us, and you have had to meet challenges that I cannot even imagine.  We all have to “course correct” from time to time.  Your blog is inspiring…but the relationship that you have with your children and what you have done for them is even more so!

Sorry, I meant to send this earlier tonight…got home from basketball and somehow fell asleep…it was 11:30 when I woke up…more fun in the fifties!…take care!…Sam

For entertainment while Sam and his wife visited with us, our cat climbed up on our bird’s cage.

This cat also liked to drink out of a fishbowl. He and the goldfish used to kiss each other!

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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ONE DAY SHE SHARED HER PAIN INSIDE

In this picture, I am remembered to remove the electric “pick up” that inserts into my guitar. I have walked away with the cord following me so many times!

Below are excerpts from my lesson with Peaches. She could “feel me” and sense my mood. Her encouragement was very helpful for me. Another interesting coincidence was the fact that she chose a certain song to work on with me (#2). Last night, while listening to our lesson the words reverberated through me, “Who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe…”

LESSON WITH PEACHES 11/15/10 #1

I have written that “my songs are my babies,” and preparing a song for recording was “like giving birth.”

That is such a powerful analogy. I remember well how painful childbirth was. And of course, I love my children deeply and that is not truly the emotion I feel for the music I discarded for three decades!

Still, being creative has been both painful and magical for me. I have loved what I’ve been doing, but recently I’ve started feeling tremendous pressure. Sometimes that pressure has me almost paralyzed.

Once again, the image of Cinderella has enveloped me. I have felt like Cinderella at the ball; giddy with the thrill of being someone I’ve never been. My life went from dingy and grey into “a waltz through a palace!” My heart was light as joy radiated from me.

However, it is not possible for me to stay there. My ordinary life is no longer dingy and grey, but it is certainly not a palace. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury to continue to waltz around.

Perhaps this started for me with the property tax bill, or with almost reaching the end of our equity-line loan limit. My husband, who has been very supportive of my ventures, asked me if we had money to plan a vacation soon. I have been very perplexed trying to sort that one out.

The reality has become that my wonderful, “creative sabbatical” cannot continue indefinitely.

On Saturday morning, I entered Connie’s guesthouse for my hypnotherapy session. She truly wanted to help me with this.

Through a discovery process using imagery, I was able to describe the squeezing sensation of pressure that has begun to paralyze me. It was fascinating for me to visualize my pressure as a large belt tightening around me until I could barely breathe.

She asked me to speak to my image.

I did. I said many things. What was significant was that I said goodbye to that image. And my own words that were the most helpful for me were these:

“Pressure is not necessarily a bad thing. With this pressure comes the motivation to succeed. If I were to continue this way, I might not share with as many people than if I took the chance to actually sell something. A book is much easier to share than a blog. In the end, I might reach more people that way and I could financially continue to do what I’ve enjoyed so much.”

I have been a “one woman production company.” I’ve edited voice lessons, recorded and composed songs, performed, and written my blog posts. At this point in time, my focus has begun to adapt my enormous blog into a book.

I just realized that “fear of failure” is not a good reason to wait anymore.

I sent this letter to my parents when I was eighteen-years-old and attending a month long camp retreat away from home. Reading it reminded me of how much music was a part of my life then! The line at the bottom continued on the back. Those kids were sent home for smoking pot! The song that I wrote and performed was “Farewell.”

I must say goodbye to my “Cinderella” image for a while.

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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