MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

MY TEARS I HIDE

May 17, 2013

The princess considered her music a “magical elixir.” It swirled around her like a soft blanket of comfort; it was indeed enchanting the way it soothed her soul.

Music was her true companion; it was such a special friend. Sometimes, she even envisioned a musical fairy dancing around her. The fairy’s name was Melody and God had sent this beautiful fairy to help her.

Melody was very attached to the princess and thankful that she could ease all of the princess’s sorrow. One day, God told Melody that the princess would face even more challenges. Melody wept because she wasn’t sure the princess could overcome sadness anymore.

For the past month, Melody had stayed close to the princess. She was so relieved that the princess was slowly lifting herself off the ground. Most of the time, the princess stayed positive and treasured the many wonderful aspects of her new life.

She did not miss the dragon and soon he would be leaving their castle. Their castle held many memories; sad ones, as well as happy ones. Now the castle had sold, and the princess realized that she never even bid it farewell.

It was too much for her to think about. For the moment, she decided that she far preferred her tiny cottage; to her it was paradise. She did have smaller dragons to deal with. At times it made her crazy, but she maintained her sense of humor. Her children were destined to be princes and princesses and she hoped that one day they would discover that.

She had dispelled a great deal of her sadness. The webs in her eye were still there, but she focused on other things.

But the spider named Sadness had other ideas. One night, she crept into the princess’s bed. The princess awoke to discover that suddenly webs were completely obscuring vision in the eye she relied on.

At first, she was incredulous. But then, the princess went into deep despair. All she could do was cry and grieve the vision she once had. She withdrew in sadness. The white spider had succeeded.

Melody alighted upon the princess and gently tried to lift her spirits. The princess’s lip trembled and her voice was shaky as she tried to continue singing. Melody swirled notes around the princess as the princess closed her eyes. Even though the webs were unbearable, Melody wove her magic within the webs as she cried along with her.

Once upon a time, the Princess began a journey to touch many people. Now the princess could barely remember when she was joyful. Her ocean of tears had returned.

Melody embraced the princess so tightly. The princess would journey with Melody and a white spider named Sadness for now.

Email message to a friend:

Yesterday, I had a big disturbance in my GOOD eye. Just like what happened to my left eye in January, the gel separated from the eye wall in my right eye. There are large areas of blurriness (from blood) and dark floaters everywhere on both eyes now. I am very discouraged. This is even harder and I am overwhelmed!

Today, I happen to have an appointment to see my eye surgeon. I waited three weeks for this appointment and it was to deal with dryness and inflammation – not this! I want to scream and cry. I hope I can hold it together.

I feel like I am walking through life with a filthy windshield now. All of my words to help other people with grief now apply to me. I hate this situation but have no alternatives.

It is very hard focus on anything. Thank god, for the music that is helping me now.

Message to a tennis friend: (my words are in blue)

I am having MORE problems with my eyes. I had another episode of bleeding inside my good eye. I’m very discouraged and do not feel like playing tennis tomorrow. I’ll play if you can’t find anyone – but I am definitely not in a good place.

My friends reply:

I don’t have another player but what can I say if you don’t want to play???

I’ll be there. I’m just having a tough time. But playing is probably good for me, even if my eyes are crummy. I have acuity, but not clarity. It’s hard to explain. I’m not blind, but I hate what is going on!

The next day, I drove to play tennis. I hardly had slept the night before. My mind crackled on and on; like a radio blaring it was noisy. I could hear my own audio stories with words that loudly echoed through my mind. I was thinking about my story named Grief 101. There was a part where I stated my true feelings about grief. I was angry with God and said: “How could you give me this amazing gift and then take it away!”

My eyesight could not possibly be comparable to my dead son, but I was grief-stricken. How would I live with this situation? What was my alternative? As I drove, I concentrated so as to drive safely. But blurriness and shadows were swirling everywhere. Later in the day, I would see my eye surgeon. However, I knew that there was nothing he would be able to do to help my vision. Seeing him was awkward. He felt he had done his part. He was an excellent surgeon and my cataract surgery was considered successful. Unfortunately, I had so many complications, which were probably a result of my extreme nearsightedness.

I openly sobbed as I drove. This was too much! I put on music to soothe myself and heal my pain. But still, pain and sadness were shooting through every fiber of my being.

The last thing I wanted to be doing was to be playing tennis at a country club. My Friday game was normally played at a backyard tennis court. But today it had been scheduled at this club because our usual court wasn’t available. I hoped I wouldn’t see anyone I knew. I wore dark glasses and held back tears as I exited my car.

My body was heavy and I felt very vulnerable as I held my racquet. I began warming up and was grateful that I could still hit the tennis balls with my annoying eyesight. This was certainly better for me than hiding in my apartment.

After a short while, I decided it was actually a beautiful day. I closed my eyes and felt a soft breeze. I inhaled the aroma of chaparral from the nearby hillside. Perhaps life could still be decent, even if my vision stayed this way. I was determined to find a way.

I was introduced to another woman player who was filling in for our group. When I told her I was going through a divorce, I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. I quickly let her know it was my choice and briefly shared my story. Then she said, “Well you must be happy about your decision, because there is definitely a glow coming from you.”

I was surprised to hear that. I didn’t feel like there was any glow about me. I accepted her words and was pleased that despite my pain I could still smile.

The two hours went by and as soon as it was over, I fled to my car. I needed my music to soothe me immediately. I was in an emotional crisis because I began crying again.

But playing tennis was excellent information for me. My eyesight was acceptable because I could still hit a tennis ball. I had actually played fairly well and that amazed me.

Later that day, I had an appointment with the ophthalmologist who had done my three cataract surgeries. Just as I expected, he explained to me that no treatment existed for annoying floaters; eventually I would get used to them. He examined my retinas, and they were intact; I was grateful about that. He did say that my dryness and inflammation could be treated with another eye drop medication. I left with a prescription. He said it would take at least several weeks before I would notice any improvement. His last words were, “Do not call me for another appointment until at least six weeks go by!”

I walked to my car with my eyes still dilated. My discomfort was so intense, that I began to cry again as I drove home. I stopped crying once I put on my music. Over and over, I thanked god for my musical elixir.

It was clear to me. My annoying eyesight was sucking the joy out of my life.

It made it difficult for me to concentrate and to do many things. It gave me headaches, especially when I was doing artwork. But I could still draw. I could drive. I could still work with my computer and play tennis. How fortunate I was!

My greatest challenge was to find my joy again. I suffered for so many years with grief, and was a zombie for decades after that. My journey had brought me boundless joy. Now I was sad and grieving for my former eyesight!

The insight from this was profound. Perhaps god had another message for me, since the word “insight” includes sight!

Grief is part of life.

In an instant, we can lose something that we take for granted. Time might heal, but moves slowly when you are in pain.

No one else can truly know of our pain unless they are also living with it. I do maintain hope that I will feel better soon, but at this moment I am simply putting one foot in front of the other.

This fairy statue captured my eye during a recent voice lesson with my teacher, Kimberly.

Recent music that I’ve created can be heard by clicking the blue links below. My song “Together” will soon have a post with a vocal. “Alabaster Seashell” is an older song, but it has a new vocal line:

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© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags: acoustic guitar, cataract surgery, cataract surgery complications, composing, creativity, Daily Life, deep despair, eyegel separation, eyesight issues, floaters, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, magical elixir, Music, overcoming challenges, princes and princesses, singing, songwriting, true companion
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YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

May 10, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to hear my song:

These blue links are to other stories about this song:

YOU WERE THERE – PART 1

YOU WERE THERE – PART 2

YOU WERE THERE

All my life, every day; you were there when I’d need you

all the time, I just knew; you’d be there

and you’d see me through

I’ve always known, I’m not alone . . .

You were so strong; you’d pick me up when I’d fall down

so I can see all the strength you gave me

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

Everything that I did you’d applaud; you were right there watching me

as I grew, sharing joy and my heartache, too

I always knew, that I had you . . .

Now I’m so strong; I picked you up when you fell down

I’ve learned to see just how strong I could be

Although I try, it’s hard to say goodbye

to someone who’s loved me all of my life

and when I’m sad, because you’re not there

I’ll still see your love everywhere

When you are gone, I’ll say a prayer

and I’ll remember how you were there

This picture of my mother and I was taken outside the coop where I am now living.

This picture of my mother and I was taken in the patio of the coop where I am now living. I see my old bicycle in the background.

My father saved a lot of my childhood artwork. I remembered drawing many of these pictures.

This picture is of my mother when she was young. It looks a little strange due to a photographer’s poor retouching. But my mother still looks very beautiful.

I took many pictures of my mother and I holding hands two years ago. I wanted them so I could create a song cover for “You Were There.” Sadly, my mother has had a terrible nail fungus for two years and her hands do not look like this any more.

For several months I was having more and more problems with my eyes. My eyesight consisted of dancing and annoying areas of shadows, fog and blurriness. I was still able to read, work and drive; I was grateful for that. But then I experienced pain; I felt like there were feathers and webs moving inside both my eyes. It became hard for me to keep them open. I played tennis once a week, but was frustrated and felt a lump in my throat as I kept missing easy shots. Perhaps I would take a break from it; I hated the feeling of wanting to cry and smiling for friends.

Because my eyes bothered me so much, going outside in the sunlight and being with people was hard for me. It was usually easier in those situations to close my eyes. I felt best when I was alone in my apartment; I retreated into my own world. I heard music and it took me to beautiful places instead.

Over the past week, I had followed an eye drop regimen to treat what an optometrist labeled “dryness and inflammation.” In one more week, I had the “first available” appointment with my ophthalmologist. I was not optimistic that my problem would improve.

I was angry at my circumstances, while at the same time having extreme determination to accept my fate. But it was quite difficult.

I had a lot of illustrations to create. As I worked, I concentrated and wore powerful glasses to help me see details. I was relieved that I could still illustrate.

Late at night, I allowed myself to edit the vocals that I continued to record. Mother’s Day was right around the corner and I was facing the one-year anniversary of my father’s death. For those reasons, I concentrated on two songs; one was for my mother and the other for my father.

Memories of their love had me very connected to both songs. I found it beautiful how I was able to channel my emotions into singing.

Ever since my father died, I became closer to my two older brothers. Both of them lived nearby. It was comforting knowing that they cared about me.

But sadly, my two brothers were not communicating with each other. I was grateful to have both of them, but sad about their rift and my fractured family.

Every Thursday, I had lunch with my middle brother, my mother, my nephew and my mother’s companion, Miriam.

On Saturdays, I met my older brother and sister-in-law for lunch with Miriam and my mother. Sometimes, a grandchild joined us.

My brother, Howard, is on my left and Norman is on my right. This was taken 13 years ago at my 40th birthday party.

It was Thursday, and I dashed out the door to pick up Miriam and my mother at the nursing home. As I drove, I enjoyed listening to the new vocals that I had been concentrating on all week. I had only finished assembling revised vocal lines at 1 a.m. I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t made any mistakes putting them together when it was so late at night.

But everything sounded great. I always heard things that I wanted to fix, but had to let go of it. I didn’t have time now to fiddle with every song when I had so many to work on. Editing a vocal line probably required at least ten hours for me.

As I listened to my songs on the freeway, my heart was dancing. A few tears escaped and lightly streamed down my cheeks.

I realized that I was glad to be seeing my mother. I couldn’t believe that she was still on this earth. How lucky I was to be able to have lunch with her! I had looked for a Mother’s Day card to give her and my heart ached searching for a card that I knew she couldn’t read. But Miriam would read it aloud to her and display it on her nightstand at the nursing home.

Sadly, my mother’s dementia continued to advance. She became thinner because her memory of chewing and swallowing had faded. Pureed food became necessary, and gelatin had to be added to any liquids.

But she clearly lived for these lunch outings. On good days, she smiled broadly. However, most of time now she was very quiet. When she did try to talk, her words made no sense. Often during these lunches, everyone simply talked as if she wasn’t there. I wondered what she could process and if she was aware of what was going on around her.

Something was definitely keeping her going.

Miriam was waiting for me in the parking lot of the nursing home as I drove up. She pushed my mother’s wheelchair next to my car. I noticed how my mother’s body was in a contorted position and she looked skeletal. In order to get into my car, my mother needed to stand; it was a herculean effort for her.

After Miriam strapped her in, I leaned across my car so I could kiss my mother. There was no doubt that she knew it was me. Whenever I drew close, her eyes beamed with love.

It was clear that my mother was quite exhausted from getting into my car. She began to cough and her spasms were deep; she was rattling with congestion. I reminded myself to call the charge nurse later and check to see if she was receiving breathing treatments.

We arrived at our usual restaurant, and I took a seat. My brother and nephew were waiting for us. I glanced around to look for a certain waitress. In my purse, I had a CD for her. A few weeks earlier, I had told her about my music on my blog. The following week, she warmly hugged me and told me that she had enjoyed reading my stories and listening to my songs. I was touched.

It was always helpful for me to connect with other people by sharing. It gave me a sense of purpose and fueled my journey.

It was interesting though that my middle brother had never heard any of my music. I was hesitant to share a CD with him – I decided it was probably because I didn’t want to impose upon his time. I knew he considered my music and writing a “hobby.”

As I sat looking at my mother across from me, my thoughts drifted. I decided that this was probably my last Mother’s Day with her. It just didn’t seem possible for her to continue this way.

Our lunch went by quickly. My eyes hurt and I closed them whenever possible. I sang in my mind and it relaxed me. I was also preparing myself for the recording session I had in two hours.

Whenever I sang, I was uplifted. I loved connecting with my vocal cords; the sensation was amazing and completely new for me. Singing brought me joy; I even connected with god. Life was great because I had music.

My mother’s cough seemed worse than usual, and it was time to go. I said goodbye to the wonderful people working at the restaurant and hugged my brother and nephew.

Because of my mother’s fatigue, she was unable to stand up in order to get into my car. Miriam ended up lifting her out of her wheelchair like a rag doll. My mother grunted as she collapsed into the front seat.

On a whim, I asked Miriam to take a few pictures of my mother sitting next to me in my car. It didn’t concern me that I had not spent one iota of time on my appearance. I only wished I had thought of it earlier, before my mother became so tired.

As I drove back to the nursing home, I was excited to share my new vocal for “You Were There” with my mother and Miriam. I plugged my iPod into my car’s audio system. For over ten years, my old mini-van did not have a working radio. Now that I was leasing a new car, I loved listening to music and as a result, I really enjoyed driving.

The notes of “You Were There” began to fill my car and all of my sadness dissipated. My heart was bursting with joy.

I looked over at my mother and her eyes were closed. Then I turned around to look at Miriam in the backseat. Miriam was mouthing the words to my song. I could see her eyes were glistening in the sunlight.

We were at a stoplight and I felt compelled to lean close to my mother so I could whisper in her ear. I said, “This song is for you mom. Every word is absolutely true!” I was surprised when she lightly nodded.

A moment later, we arrived at the nursing home. Miriam jumped out and I popped the trunk so she could take out my mother’s portable wheelchair.

My song was almost over. It softly ended with violin strings playing the last note. I gently unbuckled my mother’s seatbelt and she opened her eyes.

“I loved seeing you for lunch, mom.” Then I asked her, “Did you like my song?”

Her lips softly moved. Her words were clear and soft. I was stunned. I felt waves of emotion sweep through me.

Miriam pushed my mother’s wheelchair through the gate and they disappeared.

Like sweet notes of wind chimes, what my mother had clearly spoken aloud continued to reverberate through my mind.

Over and over, I heard her whispered words.

“I like it. It’s beautiful.”

© 2013 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags: Music, Aging Parents, "sandwich generation", creativity, Caregiving, singing, songwriting, mother's illness, acoustic guitar, mother, dementia, loss, original songs, composing, lovesong, guitar, mother daughter relationship, lyrics, lyric development, lyric writing, inspiration, Mother's Day tribute, tribute to my mother, You Were There, I picked you up, love for a mother, Mother's love
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MY DREAM STILL GLOWS

May 2, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Below I share a new vocal for my song “My Dream.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Below is a blue link to my story about this song.

Story behind MY DREAM

Currently, I am creating many fruit illustrations for a line of yogurt labels.

It felt strange not to check the box that said “married” when I filled out this form a few weeks ago.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FOG

As the Princess continued her journey, she sometimes wondered how she stayed so strong. She didn’t rely on anyone; she marveled at her strength and determination. What she loved most was that she had not an iota of regret for choosing to follow her heart.

A few months earlier, the Princess emerged from a tunnel into blinding sunlight. But the brilliance quickly faded into darkness. The Princess was able to avoid the holes in her landscape and stayed positive because love continued to light her way. Gradually the inky blackness turned to gray and then the sky became white.

It was then that she noticed a fog had rolled in . . .

The fog was wispy at first, but soon it surrounded her in every direction.

The Princess hated to complain. Despite her awareness that worrying sucked away her energy, she began to wonder if the fog would ever lift. It was extremely annoying. She reminded herself that there was no hurry for her to get to any destination, because she loved where she was going. In her heart, she knew how valuable she was. She loved her journey.

Despite the fog, it was easy for the princess to have faith. When many gold coins suddenly fell in front of her path, it was something she never expected. Material items were unimportant for her, and yet this came at a time when her debt was overwhelming her. She believed there was definitely a message to find with those coins.

But then the fog began to hurt her eyes; and it wasn’t just annoying anymore. The Princess realized she was truly alone, as the fog separated her from a familiar world.

It wasn’t hard for her to be alone, she was just so discouraged by the pain. So she looked at her journey in the fog as an opportunity to find even more clarity.

Her eyes were half closed and she did not have much energy as she gritted her teeth and continued to move forward. Tears spilled down her cheeks easily.

Then the fog began to dance and she felt extreme heaviness. Spider webs appeared in her eyes and she felt her body slowing down. It was exhausting. Now there were silken webs tightening around her feet and pulling with each step. She tried to move, but instead she softly fell to the ground.

Her painful eyes were like slits. She heard a voice and through her half-closed eyes she saw a white spider grinning and cackling at her. The spider was speaking. It’s voice was very familiar and sounded like an old woman.

The Princess asked the spider, “Why are you here?”

The spider answered, “My dear, I am joining you and I know you remember me. There was a time when we spent all of our time together for many, many years.”

The Princess was weak and did not want to answer. But she asked the white spider, “What is your name?”

The spider tiptoed and whispered into the princess’s ear while she was still lying prone on the ground.

“My name is Sadness. Let’s travel together. While I am with you, we can even find many of those old memories that I am a part of.”

The princess felt her eyes glaze over. She was tired of crying and pulling at the webs. It was nice not to be alone anymore. She rested with Sadness and did not move for a long time.

But then the princess began to miss her musical elixir. She softly sang to herself and could feel her soul glowing with pleasure.

Magically, the webs surrounding her body began to melt away.

She ignored the spider on the ground as she stood up.

The white spider began to shriek, “You cannot do that – I am here to stay with you. You have no reason to push me away. I want to keep you company!”

The Princess smiled. She was relieved that she had not lost her ability to smile or sing. She ripped off the remaining webs that bound her and watched them float away. The magical elixir of music continued to fill her heart.

Now that she had vanquished the spider, she was even more certain of her strength. She sang loudly and freely and beamed with an inner glow.

Although her exterior felt ravaged by circumstances, inside she felt quite beautiful. Her appearance might not be sparkling, but that was unimportant for her because she knew it was temporary.

She remained thankful for so many things, but especially to God for giving her the musical elixir to help her. God even blessed her with gold coins to make her journey easier.

There was no reason to stop in the fog. It would lift someday. Until then, sadness would never be her companion again.

And with her music, she was never alone.

Recent email update to my family and friends:

This has been a most difficult time in my life. My eye problems have continued. A month ago I had a laser treatment called a capsulotomy, which treats a common cataract complication. It caused my vision to become clearer, but also left me with more noticeable floaters. I was told that was temporary.

After the procedure, my eyes continued bothering me. I could not shake the feeling that something was inside my eyes; it worsened and became painful. It was like I had spider webs in my eyes! I called my surgeon’s office. The receptionist from the ophthalmology department told me over the phone that it sounded like dryness and I needed to simply use artificial tears. I have been disappointed with the treatment I’ve received since my cataract surgery. When I was told that there were no appointments available, I found myself crying on the phone. Due to my insistence, I was given an appointment to see an optometrist instead.

At that appointment, I was told that my eyelids and tear ducts were inflamed. Steroid eye drops were prescribed and I was told to see my eye surgeon in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I continue to work on a wonderful illustration project. I am thankful that I can easily see my large computer screen, however, working has certainly made the dryness in my eyes much worse.

My project is going well and is a godsend to my life. So far, my layouts have been well received. I am illustrating fruit, which is my specialty.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for. My daughter found a job, my oldest son is graduating college and my youngest son did an amazing job performing in a play at his new school.

The sale of my former home fell through and now a second buyer is having difficulty getting a loan. It will be two weeks before we will know if this sale will go through. I am not terribly affected by this, but I am concerned about the effect on my son and former husband. I trust that things will work out. If this sale does not go through, our home might sell for even more because the marketplace is excellent at the moment.

Music is still an IV for my soul. Even though I work long hours illustrating, I take breaks to sing and record several times a week. I have already recorded vocals for 24 songs and have 14 left. My voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes, continues to help me sing freely with a great connection to my vocal chords. Also, once a week I work on song arrangements with my arranger George.

My divorce will probably become final around the end of the year. I hope you are well and appreciate all of the support you have given me.

Love, Judy

I am so thankful for my mother’s companion, Miriam, who keeps my mother smiling. I feel very close to her, because she has made such a difference to our family with her devotion to my mother.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cryed with joy as we celebrated it.

Recently, Miriam had a birthday. She cried with joy when we celebrated it.

Guess which is the most important tool I use while illustrating? My iPod!

Tags: acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, beautiful music, Caregiving, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, escape through music, guitar, hopefulness, humor daily life, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, metaphors, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, musical comfort, musical inspiration, my dream, optimism, original songs, princess metaphor, singing, songwriting, writing
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MY DREAM HAS ME BLESSED

April 8, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This picture was taken on a camping trip when I was in college. Playing my guitar around a campfire was so beautiful for me!

To lift my spirits, I have begun recording some of my love songs. I realize I sing many sad songs, but I also have upbeat ones. Here is a new “vocal in progress” for my song “Crystal Oceans.” Clicking the blue link plays audio:

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In February of 2009, my 84-year-old mother was released from a hospital and into a nursing facility. She had been on a respirator for two months and it was a miracle she recovered.

I started writing my blog a week after that and my journey of insight began. For my very first entry, I shared how giddy I was that I would soon be meeting a producer in the music business. My childhood friend, Joni, had arranged this appointment with Jud Friedman. Here is a paragraph from his website:

6-Time Oscar, Grammy and Golden Globe Nominated Hit Songwriter

I have had multiple nominations for Oscars, Grammies and Golden Globes and hits with songs such as “Run To You” by Whitney Houston, “I Don’t Have The Heart” by James Ingram and “For The First Time” by Kenny Loggins. I’ve written for and worked with artists ranging from Barbra Streisand to Rod Stewart to Ray Charles to, most recently, Charice and Toni Braxton.

I really had no idea where it would lead. I definitely thought the experience would be fun to write about on my new blog.

So I began practicing my guitar again, and I tried to remember some of the original songs I had written as a teenager. It certainly seemed like such a strange thing for me to be doing at the age of 50!

Prior to my wedding in 1981, I was dancing the can-can in the dressing room with all of my bridesmaids. My childhood friend, Joni, was the most glamorous bridesmaid and everyone mentioned how absolutely gorgeous she looked on that day.

I decided to go back to find my emails with Joni about this appointment. Here they are!

February 7, 2010

Judy, I spoke with Jud and he can see you for an hour this coming Friday in the morning at his home. Can you make it? If so, you can meet me at my home and we can both go over together. Or if you would prefer, you can meet him solo. Bring your demo, or guitar or both, whichever you would like. Looking forward to your reply!

Love, Joni

Dear Joni,

I feel my heart palpitating already – OMG. Okay, I’m taking deep breaths. A whole hour? Wow! I think I have about ten songs I could play. That much time is very, very generous of him. Thank you so much for putting this together, Joni! It has added so much excitement to my world!

Is he really hard to get in to see? Because I wouldn’t mind if we met instead the following week, so that I could be more “practiced.” My fingers are so sore, and I hope I’ll be up to speed by Thursday – oh whatever, it’s just exciting to dream.

Love, Judy

P.s. My heart is pounding, I’ve got to try to be calm about all this!

I wrote about the experience on these posts:

#3 CAPABLE SONGWRITER, JUST NOT CONTEMPORARY

#4 REDISCOVERING WHAT I LOVE TO DO – PART 1

Joni and I grew up as playmates. We lived in a coop in North Hollywood from infancy until college. I moved back to that same coop six months ago. My father had died and I needed to sell it. But then, I realized it was an affordable place for me to live when I ended my marriage.

Joni still lived in the same neighborhood with her husband and four children, less than half a mile away. I was always amazed at how many memories both of us carried from our childhood; it was such a beautiful thing to have her as my friend.

After meeting Jud, I was completely inspired. Suddenly, I found myself drawn to playing my guitar again and my journey began!

This blog is a fabulous record of the fairytale my life became as a result of my musical rediscovery.

Currently, two of my children live with me in my coop. One of the biggest reasons that I decided to move back to it was because my 16-year-old son would be attending a new high school that was two blocks away. His school represented a new beginning for him. He would still see his father and older brother on the weekends.

Once again, this all led to another amazing coincidence in my life.

I actually ran into Jud, the music producer while at a school meeting for my son. There he was sitting near me! Jud certainly remembered me because only a few months earlier, I met with him for a second time to share my musical progress. He was very impressed to see what I had accomplished two years later and once again, he was very generous with his time and knowledge.

Now all of this ended up becoming even more interesting!

Last week, my teenage son called me to pick him up after socializing with some friends. They had walked from a bowling alley to a nearby coffee shop.

When I arrived to pick him up, he came out with another boy. Then he asked me if I could give his friend a ride home.

It turned out it was Jud’s son!

For twenty minutes, the two of us had an animated conversation. I told him how wonderful Jud was and how his father had inspired me to begin writing songs again. Jud’s son was beaming and enthusiastic as he spoke about his father and the amazing experience he had attending the Academy Awards as his dad’s guest. It was beautiful to hear about it.

Until I reached his home, we both chattered on about music while I drove. After his friend exited my car, my own son joined me in the front seat. His face was dour. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was upset that I had discussed my music with his friend. I accepted it because it seemed to be typical teenager behavior.

But then my son told me it bothered him most that I had mentioned Jason and the songs I wrote about him.

He said he did not want me mentioning his dead brother in his presence ever again.

I tried to be calm, but inside my stomach was churning. I explained to my son about grief and memories. Our discussion began to escalate and it was hard for me to contain my sadness. I whispered to my son I was sorry, and then I turned away so he wouldn’t see my tears.

Later on, I found a moment to allow myself to truly cry.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children. This picture was taken at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

This is a picture of Joni with two of her children at one of Jason’s birthday parties over twenty years ago.

My journey began with Joni’s suggestion. Joni knew Jud because her son was dating his daughter at that time.

My journey went in a new and wonderful direction with another one of her suggestions!

Three months ago, she said to me, “Jude, my daughter has a boyfriend and he’s a musical genius. If you are looking for someone who knows a lot about music, I’m certain he could help you.”

I had mentioned to her that I wanted to learn more about music programming and mixing. She texted me his phone number.

Who would have thought my good friend’s children and their dating partners could lead to such amazing things?

I spoke to her daughter’s boyfriend; his name was Darrin Kohavi.

Darrin was an avid songwriter, composer and singer. He played classical piano and worked in the music industry. He came from a musical family and certainly knew a great deal about recording music.

I introduced myself to him and he was very friendly on the phone. I found out later that Joni had already shared my blog with him.

I told Darrin I was having difficulty recording in my coop. It was complicated and noisy. Also, my teenagers hated my singing and I was inhibited.

Darrin gave me a perfect solution. He said there was recording studio less than half a mile from my coop. He explained that it was at his parents’ home. He didn’t live there, but he could meet me there to record vocals. We set up an appointment that week.

Right away, I was elated. Darrin’s recording area was almost sound proof, and he had an excellent pre-amp. We did some test recordings and they were beautiful. He was willing to accommodate me for half hour sessions at a reasonable price.

I was delighted and ready to start recording vocals. We began working together.

Darrin was a soft-spoken and relaxed young man. He had long locks of curly black hair and a sweet smile. Whenever I sang, he always gave me gentle encouragement. It turned out, he was quite experienced from recording his own vocals; he understood so much about what I was doing.

Here are examples of our exchanges:

Judy: (After singing a song five times) I sound raspy, don’t I?

Darrin: Yes, but the vibe is great.

Judy: Have you ever had your voice get raspy like that?

Darrin: Oh, sure!

Judy: Those mouth clicks are driving me crazy! Do you get those, too?

Darrin: All the time!

Judy: Everything was sounding great until my foot squeaked. Has that happened to you?

Darrin: It sure has and you have to watch those things!

Judy: It’s hard to sing when I cry – sorry!

Darrin: Don’t worry; you have lots of other takes to work with.

Judy: Not bad for my first take?

Darrin: Warm up!

Judy: How did that one sound?

Darrin: I liked that one a lot.

Below is one of Darrin’s songs. My daughter tells me his song reminds her of The Beatles. I share it on my blog with his permission. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

Love Is All Around – Darrin Kohavi

I realize that going through a divorce, having eyesight issues and living in close quarters with two teenagers has been challenging. My mother’s continued decline is also quite difficult.

But the joy that I receive from singing is my blessing!

Today, I brought a camera along to my recording session to add pictures to my story.

Darrin’s parents are wonderful and if his mother or father had been home, they would have taken a picture of us together. Instead, I captured him at his computer with his dog and he snapped pictures of me at the microphone.

Tags: acoustic guitar, childhood friendship, composing, creativity, Darrin Kohavi, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, Jud Friedman, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, Music and recording, musical rediscovery, original songs, recording, recording studio, singing, songwriting, vocal concepts, vocals, vocals and recording
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I OPENED MY EYES AND I CLOSED THEM AGAIN

April 7, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” My post title is a line of lyrics from that song.

This image of me resting was taken when I was 19. This rendition is for my audio book story surrounding my song “So Real.” This post is a line of lyrics from that song.

I have been feverishly recording new vocals for many of my arrangements. I share below some of my new emotional renditions. Clicking the blue links plays audio:

I share some lesson clips below with my voice teacher, Kimberly Haynes. Last week we worked on my song “With Me.” What stands out for me the most is my laughter and joy while I am with Kimberly.

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON A 3-31-13

BLOG EXCERPT KIMBERLY LESSON B 3-31-13

This image is for my audio book story about my song “No Words.” The baby is actually my daughter, who was born 11 months after Jason died.

An email update I sent out a week ago:

Hi friends and family,

I just wanted to update everyone about my eyes etc. On Tuesday, I had laser treatment on both of my eyes to clear the remaining cataract that intruded upon my vision. The complication I had was very common and almost immediately I could see that everything was brighter. But once the dilation wore off I saw numerous dark floaters, which was something the eye doctor told me I would have for a few days.

Unfortunately, the problem in my left eye is still quite pronounced for me. When the gel in my eye separated from the eye wall, there was some blood inside my gel. That is causing the blurriness. The doctors have told me it will improve, but it will take time – possibly even a year until it is absorbed.

All of this has been very hard for me to deal with. I try to stay positive, even though I often have a sensation like I have cobwebs in both my eyes. I was told there is no reason for this.

In the meantime, I am thankful that working on the computer is not a problem for me. It is when I’m not working, that my eyes bother me. Although this is challenging, I celebrate the many beautiful things that are happening in my new life.

I am thrilled to be working on a wonderful illustration assignment, which is going quite well. The income will allow me to continue singing and moving forward.

Love, Judy

This image is for my audio story named “The Amputation of My Soul.”

The princess had fallen on the ground many times before. Each and every time she found a way to rise up again. It was familiar for her.

The difference was that now she was older and she no longer had parents to envelop her with support and love. So she found love elsewhere, and continued to marvel at her strength.

She was far away from the dragon now and glad that he was finally moving forward in a new direction. She cared about him even though she disliked his presence.

Although she had tremendous energy, the princess was sad and cried easily. Not long ago, she had imagined she could choose either a rock or a gold coin to represent each day. She realized that her days were not precious anymore and she only carried rocks. Music lightened her load, but it was still heavy. With every tear she shed, a new pebble was added to the quarry upon her back.

Her greatest burden was that her eyes continuously bothered her. It wasn’t something anyone could see, but it affected her deeply into the core of her being. Whenever she opened her eyes she felt silken strands resting upon the surface of her eyeball. The wispiness in her vision made her imagine she was in a cocoon. Her vision felt wobbly and she often closed her eyes.

She lived within her dreams, and imagined herself to be a butterfly. Her wispy world represented her cocoon, and she preferred instead to wrap herself in music.

To everyone else, she was a capable and functioning woman. She felt less than capable, and was not compassionate with herself. There were many careless mistakes she made, and she saw it as a sign that her attention was elsewhere. It was hard for her to be forgiving because her errors were foolish and expensive. More than a few bills went unpaid, but she tried not to cry over anything related to money.

The princess was determined not to wallow in self-pity. Her courage was something she continued to take pride in. Although she had no regrets, sometimes she had deep sadness over all the years lost living as a zombie.

The doctors told her that eventually her eyesight would improve. But for now, she was suffering so much and living in discomfort.

She was determined to accept it. By allowing for pain, she knew that pleasure would return again for her someday.

The princess never gave up hope. Hope was always her true message. She would emerge from her cocoon and take flight with beautiful wings into the sky.

In her past, she had suffered losses that were much more difficult. When she grieved, her world was silent and sad. Music continued to bless her life and she drank in her magical elixir. Even without the eyesight of her youth, her music transported her to beautiful places.

And so it was, that at her lowest point her faith was rewarded.

With her eyes were closed, she suddenly felt herself immersed in a shower of gold coins. The very thing she hadn’t expected began to lightly tap upon her. She looked up into the sky and all the rocks that she was carrying dropped aside as the gold coins sprinkled around her.

The coins sparkled and would light the way now to make her path easier.

It was clear. She would continue following her heart. This was such a beautiful sign. The timing was amazing and reminded her again how she was blessed.

She thanked god.

Tags: cataract surgery complications, challenges, composing, creativity, eyesight issues, GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, No Words, original songs, So Real, Songs about bereavement, songs about grief, songs about loss, songwriting, voice lessons, writing
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YOUR HAND WAS THE ONE HOLDING MINE

March 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This photo of my son, Jason after his first open-heart surgery reminds me how it is possible to laugh and smile despite difficult circumstances.

I share here some recent music. One of my favorite songs that I wrote at the age of 19 is called “How We Don’t Care.” I will post a story for it soon. Clicking the blue links below play recordings of my song:

HOW WE DON’T CARE INSTRUMENTAL

Life was getting difficult for me. My eyes hurt. It seemed that everything about my eye condition had accelerated. Only a week before, I saw a specialist outside my HMO. It turned out that the fogginess that bothered me was actually a result of seeing through the cloudy edge of my remaining cataract; it wasn’t just a floater that I was told I’d eventually get used to.

For two months it bothered me how I wasn’t getting used to it. I just couldn’t stand the irritating curtain in my eye. Then both my eyes began to hurt and the pain gnawed at me. When I shared this with my friend, Dr. Sam, he encouraged me to push my HMO to do something sooner. Otherwise it was two weeks until my appointment. I share our correspondence below, with his words in brown:

Judy, I would certainly advocate getting this done sooner. Tell them that you are essentially visually disabled until the procedure is done. It’s only 12 days away, but it sounds like it will be a long 12 days, can you go through a patient ombudsman? After all, your HMO should have been on this much sooner. It was only because you went out of the system that you discovered you needed this done. I’m so sorry it’s getting worse! I know you have that big art project; feel better and let me know how it’s going! Sam

I wrote this message to my primary doctor:

Hi Dr. , I was given an appointment on April 1st. The problem is my condition is worsening and in both of my eyes now. I feel like there is a gray curtain in my vision. It is very uncomfortable and my eyes are watering all the time. Can you please contact the head of ophthalmology? He denied my request for an outside opinion and is allowing me to suffer – because now I have information from a doctor outside this HMO stating that my condition is treatable. I am more than willing to see a different doctor, or even go to a private doctor. I really don’t want to go on disability for a problem that is correctable when quickly treated. Please find out if I can have this taken care of ASAP! Thank you!

I received a phone call giving me an appointment a week sooner. I shared the news with Sam. He wrote back:

You might want to verify that it is an appointment at which you will be treated. Show up with a white cane and a German Shepherd that should help! Sam

Thanks, Sam. Good idea. I’ll call tomorrow. I have to steel myself to face a doctor who might be pretty huffy that I complained and was demanding. It’s only my life that has been totally affected by this. I’ll remind myself of that. It was so bad tonight. I had dinner with friends and sat there in a fog. It was hard to converse or think.

Judy

You were advocating for your health; every patient has the right to do that. It’s your vision that is getting worse, not his, and you are paying your HMO to take care of you. They dropped the ball here!

I share links here to my story about how I reconnected with Sam when he left a message on my blog. We dated in high school:

YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

I REMEMBER THE FUN

A video snap from my prom date with Sam in 1975 when I was 15 years old. Sam’s car is parked in the same spot where my car is now parked!

Memories I treasure, being outdoors when I was in my twenties.

Now I was counting the days. My nerves were frayed. I cried easily and had a constant headache. I forged ahead on my illustration assignment, but my eyes were constantly hurting.

It was Saturday and I had only four more days until my appointment. I thought about going to Urgent Care because of my pain. I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up the day I’d be treated. As discouraged as I felt, I held onto the knowledge that I’d have relief soon.

Although I felt like hibernating and staying in bed, I decided to stick with my routine. I drove to see my mother at her nursing home for our weekly Saturday lunch outing. As I sat trying to hold it together, my mother continuously beamed at me. Her dementia did not allow her to converse anymore, but I could still feel her love. I tried hard not to appear distraught.

It was after I dropped my mother back at her nursing home that I received the phone call.

It was so beautiful and amazing that it left me breathless.

I believe God definitely sent me a message to help me.

While looking for pictures of an old friend to add to my story, I found more beautiful pictures of Jason to share on my blog.

I wrote my story with flashbacks interspersed. They are in purple italics.

“Judy, it’s Jeanne! Do you remember me?”

My heart skipped a beat as I yelled, “Are you kidding? Of course! I would never forget you!”

It was three days after Jason’s funeral. I was numb and in a fog. But Jeanne and her husband Josh were at the door. They had come over to make breakfast and I was so grateful to see them. I was filled with desperation. There was no one else who understood my desolation – no one. It was because Jeanne had experienced a stillbirth many years before; to me, she was an expert about grief. Her explanations comforted me and I could never get enough. But it always led to the same place. I needed to know when the agony would subside. Sadly, it had only just begun.

Jeanne was crying as she said, “Judy, I was thinking of you and looked you up on the Internet. I have been reading your blog. Oh my god, you had me crying and laughing! I saw Jason’s pictures, heard your music and caught up on your life. You are such an incredible person and a gifted writer. I am so excited about where you are going with your life. I couldn’t wait to call you!”

Then that explained the 200 views I had on my blog one day last week. I knew someone was reading a lot of pages and I had a premonition about it. I often wondered about certain people from my past and hoped to hear from them someday. Jeanne was definitely one of them.

Jeanne explained why she had looked me up. It was because of her anniversary of the heart for Jillian. Her beloved little girl would have been 25 years old had she lived. She said, “There’s no one I can share that day with anymore. My ex was the only one and that’s over. But then I thought of you; I went on the Internet to look you up.”

I told Jeanne I had a calendar with events marked on it. Her daughter’s anniversary of the heart was there and whenever I saw it, I always remembered Jeanne and what she taught me about grief through Jillian’s death. I would never forget how much she helped me during my horrible grief.

I wailed to Jeanne – I couldn’t smell Jason anymore. I was forgetting him! Jeanne was patient and gentle when she said she had felt the same way. She said that the fear of forgetting was very real. I cried and cried to her.

Jillian had died on the day she was born. I remember Jeanne breaking my heart when she shared how Josh carried his tiny dead infant daughter throughout the hospital so he could show everyone how perfect and beautiful she was.

I wasn’t feeling better. I wished I were dead. The only time I felt better was when I was with other people suffering the same way. I went to support groups several times a week; I searched high and low for them. Some support groups weren’t specifically about losing a child and weren’t as helpful for me. But it was better than nothing.

I wanted Jeanne to tell me about the group that helped her so much after her loss. I begged her, but she kept hesitating. After constantly badgering her, she finally told me why. She said, “Judy, I don’t want you to go this group. I’m concerned that you might say that your loss is greater because your child lived five years. This group is for infant loss, and there are people there suffering through miscarriages. If you say your loss is greater that would be very hurtful for them.”

I always remembered her words. I have written a lot about grief and about grief comparisons. It breaks my heart recalling how Jeanne and Josh were there for us, while constantly hearing from my family, friends and even from me how their loss was not comparable to mine. I totally readjusted my thinking after I healed from my grief. I do not believe in comparing grief anymore.

Both of us continued babbling. Jeanne’s tone was firm when she mentioned that she wanted to talk to me about my singing. She reminded me that I had performed at her wedding. I’d forgotten! It was the one and only time I had ever done something like that. She gushed to me about how much she loved my voice. My presence and the song I played at her wedding was something unforgettable to her. It was such a unique and beautiful song, but I no longer remembered how to play it. I wasn’t sure when to mention to her that I knew about her divorce because I had run into Josh.

I loved playing 70’s songs. Judy Collins had a sensitive, sweet song named “Since You’ve Asked.” I was extremely honored to play it for my friends’ wedding. The wedding was held outdoors and it was a warm day. There were orchards and sweet blossoms that intoxicated me as I gently fingerpicked my song and sang from my heart. It was a beautiful moment; singing next to my good friends with their eyes locked in love.

We talked about what had happened to our mutual friends. I had met Jeanne and her husband Josh at a workshop called “Making Marriage Work.” Just writing those words gave me a pang in my heart. Perhaps the class did work somewhat, as I had stayed married for many years through tribulations that most couples broke apart from. And the class did not work for Josh and Jeanne either.

Six years ago, I was shopping at the market when I heard a voice behind me. I was stunned; it was my friend Josh whom I hadn’t seen in seven years. I couldn’t believe it. He had gone through gastric bypass surgery and lost over 100 pounds; I hardly recognized him. He told me that he had gotten divorced and lived in the area. I took his business card and a week later I invited him to dinner at our house. My husband and I caught up with him over that dinner. I felt very sad when he talked about Jeanne. I realized that I was hearing only one side of the story. As he spoke about the deterioration of their relationship, most of his words flew over my head because it sounded so painful. Even though my husband and I talked about seeing him again, it was the last time we saw Josh.

Jeanne told me she certainly understood about the sadness of divorce after a long marriage. It was then when I told her how I had seen Josh. Because of my openness, I mentioned that I hadn’t believed the negative things he said about her during our reunion with him. I did not tell her what he said. But I regretted that remark instantly. Her voice revealed she was hurt as she brightly said that she had never said anything negative about him. She didn’t feel that it was fair for him to have done that. I certainly agreed.

We continued talking for a long time, until it was time for both of us to hang up. As I said goodbye, I felt exhilarated and looked forward to seeing her and catching up more. She didn’t live too far away from me.

Later that day, I tried to remember why my husband and I had lost touch with Josh and Jeanne. We had been close friends for about 20 years. At first, I thought it had to do with the problems I faced with my living children. For at least a decade, I was so encompassed with their challenges that there was little time left in my life for friendship. Then I remembered that they moved to another state and that truly was the reason. But they did end up moving back and I last saw them at my fortieth birthday party, which was a surprise for me.

This was from a camping trip. My husband and I stayed close for many years with five couples from a workshop we attended called “Making Marriage Work.”

This is Jeanne on a camping trip. My husband and I stayed close for many years with five couples from a class we attended called “Making Marriage Work.”

Jeanne’s phone call meant so much to me!

It gave me the strength to cope a few more days until my eye appointment.

Up until her phone call, I had been prepping myself. I didn’t want to burst into tears when I went to the appointment with my eye surgeon. I didn’t want to yell either. I was overwhelmed with my eye discomfort and it deeply burdened my life.

At 53, I always felt rather young to have had cataract surgery, despite all the years of playing tennis in the sun without sunglasses.

But one of the first things Jeanne and I talked about was the fact that she had also had cataract surgery. It reminded me that it wasn’t as rare as I thought.

She said she not only had cataract surgery, but she also experienced the same complication I had.

Below is an explanation I found on Wikipedia:

The crystalline lens capsule is retained and used to contain and position the Intraocular Lens Implant. Months or years after the cataract operation, the crystalline lens capsule can become opaque. This happens in about 30% of eyes, and it can happen months or years after the cataract surgery. A laser capsulotomy is used to reduce this opacity of the crystalline lens capsule after cataract surgeries.

Jeanne said it was awful for her too, but a laser treatment had fixed it completely on one eye. Her other eye would need it soon. I listened because it was so amazing for me.

Her timing stunned me. Sometimes I believe there are no coincidences in life. This was one of those times.

I received a wonderful message and it was a beautiful moment for me receiving her phone call. Jeanne had counseled me during a horrible time during my bereavement. She was my mentor and I was her desperate pupil. Now I was someone who was reaching out to help others who were grieving.

I took in what that meant.

I savored it and lifted myself back off the ground.

It turns out that this picture I have with Jeanne was the last time I saw her.
This was taken at my fortieth birthday party, which was 13 years ago.

Tags: Cataracts when in fifties, child's death, compassionate friends, crystalline lens capsule, divorce after a long marriage, eyesight and aging, Friendship, friendship and grief, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, infant loss, inspiration, laser capsulotomy, loss, marraige and friendship, memories of friendship, mother daughter relationship, reconnecting, reconnecting with an old friend, separation, stillbirth
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IT’S NO SECRET ANYMORE

March 20, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

I share here a recent new vocal for my song “Set You Free.” In the latter half of my song, I cry while singing because I deeply miss my father who died 9 months ago. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

I also share here a brief recent audio clip from my voice lesson last week with Kimberly Haynes:

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/17/13 BLOG EXCERPT

“Setting myself free”

I had planned to release my first audio book early this year, but now I’ve decided to record new vocals for the songs that accompany my book’s stories. Much of my current writing and new songs are material for a second audio book that I plan to create.

For such a long time, my children and husband were skeptical and annoyed with my confidence about the new direction in my life. I stopped sharing anything about it with them and kept everything to myself. The joy that came from my music and writing was tempered by the fact that my family saw no monetary value in it.

Although my income as an illustrator had considerably shrunk from what it was a decade earlier, I still had a steady revenue from my stock illustrations. I always held out faith that there would be a custom assignment; occasionally they came along to fuel my faith just when my self-esteem was at a low point.

Once again, this happened for me! It might be awhile before I post again because I received a large project this week. I will be painting many fruit illustrations that will be used on yogurt labels for a national brand.

A quick photo taken with my cell phone, I sit in that chair and sing vocals for my songs.

“I go to places that heal me”

I could not have passionately pursued my love for writing and music without separating from my husband. There are arranging and recording costs that I now bear – and gladly. Although my soon-to-be ex thought he was supportive, I felt uncomfortable continuing to spend our money on something he felt was a drain. It was as if I was keeping a secret from him. Initially, I didn’t feel that way. But one day I woke up to the fact that I was only able to truly express myself through my song lyrics. The sadness of that overwhelmed me. People who read my blog and heard my songs understood me better than my own family!

With my separation, I heard this line from my husband of: “You probably need to go out and get a job.” Initially I thought that might be true, especially since I wouldn’t have health insurance.

But life is all about choices. Certainly, when I went to buy my first car in 20 years – I didn’t splurge on a sports car! (I leased a Honda Civic, which I am enjoying). I’ve chosen a frugal lifestyle in order to pursue my passions. With my father’s death, living in the coop where I grew up was a wonderful opportunity for me. I am also thankful to have both of my brothers supporting me in this decision; they have really been there for me. I plan to pay them for their interest in the coop once my former home sells and I receive money from it.

I see great value in what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I am unapologetic. I believe I am the richest woman in the world!

There is a wonderful line in my song “The Unknown.” It is: “I go to places that heal me.” That is what my life is about; I heal myself and hope to heal other people, too.

Below are some words I wrote two months ago. With my divorce agreement pending, it was not in my best interest to talk about how devoted I am to my music.

Prior to rediscovering my love for music and writing at the age of fifty, my career was one as a commercial artist. Throughout the time I was an illustrator, my children were my highest priority.

My firstborn child, Jason died at the age of five. Because he had a congenital heart defect, I needed to by very involved with his care. I was fortunate I worked at home and was able to be alert to his needs.

For many years, I also advocated for my three living children in order to obtain whatever services they needed in school. When I began my blog, I wrote a lot about them and what being an advocate entailed. My motive was to help others who were also struggling with similar issues. I also wrote to release trauma I carried due to many tough situations involving my children.

Six months after writing about those experiences, I deleted most everything that related to my family. In the beginning, they gave me permission to write and share things about them. But many things changed after I suddenly “woke up” and was not the same person I was before I found my joy.

My family did not want anything to change, especially the doting mother that I was before.

When I started writing my blog and singing again I never imagined that I’d find something completely separate from my children to write about!

I was illustrating fruit when I was seven.

My professional fruit illustrations-

I might never have discovered my love for writing and music if my career as an illustrator had continued to keep me busy. When I was receiving a lot of work, I managed to juggle all the things I dealt with related to my children, parents and household responsibilities.

But gradually my workload diminished and custom assignments were rare.

Many of the people whom I worked with in that industry were also left without jobs – art directors, designers and agents; there were so many people who needed to reinvent their careers. I bemoaned how computers decimated artistry and eliminated so much of the human creative process. I complained how digital paintings were nothing compared to my original watercolor paintings. But then I completely readjusted my thinking!

A close-up of one of my watercolor paintings.
I love the fuzz on the stem, which I created with colored pencil.

Music, writing and art combined with my computer have made my world richer than any palace on earth!

I believe that this time period was the perfect one for me to be born into. The computer has allowed me to create things that I never believed were possible. I love how I can type fast and furiously to capture the words I hear in my mind.

But I do not use my computer for composing my songs. They are done with a pen and paper and my beloved acoustic guitar. Writing song lyrics is a process that I find quite mysterious. I do not choose to write them. I hear a song and when I sing, the words are there.

I have composed and recorded unique guitar arrangements for many of my songs. I transfer my recordings to a computer where I can edit them. Then with the help of my arranger, George, instrumentation is added until my song becomes a magical symphony. The process of editing vocals was something I taught myself. I compile a vocal line using the best parts of numerous takes.

Creating unique images for my blog also gives me the opportunity to utilize my artistic abilities on the computer. I’m adept at Photoshop and love using my own artwork and photographs.

Overall, the computer has made writing, music and illustrating fantastic for me. I believe there are no limits to what I can do creatively. And there is one simple reason for it.

It is because I have given myself permission.

At the age of 53, I’ve decided this time is my renaissance. I embrace it and I love it!

My statement of giving myself permission to allow for creativity is a huge one. On so many levels, it is about believing in myself.

I really do feel that I have a lot to offer the world. Allowing myself full creative expression after decades of stuffing everything inside, has allowed me to heal. The musical of my life is exploding from my heart and I cannot hold it back anymore.

Plus, I’ve decided that this is my life and the way I want to live it. Even without a “real job,” I am determined to find ways to continue my renaissance. I have dedicated my life to creating music, songs and stories, which I hope will inspire and heal many people.-

A Recent update:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have a few things I can share – a lot has been going on for me! First of all, my children are doing well. They are adjusting and I am proud of all three of them.

For two months, I have had some continuing eye issues. I followed my good friend, Dr. Sam’s suggestion and saw a retinal specialist outside of my HMO for another opinion. It turns out that the fogginess in my left (and right eye, too) is a separate issue from my floater episode. There is a remaining edge to a cataract, which sometimes intrudes and is cloudy – a simple laser procedure can eliminate the cloudiness and solve my problem.

The procedure is scheduled in two weeks. I am trying hard to find out if it could happen sooner.

My divorce is proceeding. There are many issues left regarding back support and money related to our homes that our lawyers are working on resolving. But child and spousal support has begun for me! The agreement was signed at the end of February.

Our home went on the market a week ago. It sold for well over the list price – we had 8 offers! The housing market is definitely cooking. Escrow opens on Monday and our broker said it would take 17 days to be sure if our sale will go through or not. So I am crossing my fingers. My husband and oldest son do not yet know where they are moving.

My mother continues to hang in there. She cannot communicate much – but she still recognizes family and she can say, “I love you.” I go out with her to lunch in a restaurant two times a week. Miriam (my mom’s companion) dotes on her and my mom adores her.

I am living in a small coop/apartment with two of my children in North Hollywood. I have been devoting myself to my music. I found a wonderful recording studio near my apartment where I am recording vocals for the music CD that will accompany my book. The musician helping me is named Darrin, he is extremely talented and his parents have become wonderful new friends of mine.

But my music must pause briefly because I was awarded a large illustration assignment this week. It will keep me very busy for a while. Things are definitely looking up for me!

Love, Judy

My post title is a line of lyrics from my song “The Door.” I have not yet publicly shared two of my songs. I plan to share my song “The Door” very soon.

Below are clips from a discussion about it with my former vocal coach Peaches in July of 2012. Clicking the blue links play audio:

PEACHES LESSON A – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

PEACHES LESSON B – 7/16/12 THE DOOR

These are my lyrics for “The Door” in progress. These are lyrics that I didn’t use.

Lyrics for “The Door” in progress; I didn’t use these particular ones.

Tags: acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, digital illustration, divorce after a long marriage, facing divorce after a long marriage, floral painting, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing and grief, Illustration, illustrator, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, separation, separation and divorce, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, watercolor painting, watercolors, writing
Posted in Healing and Hope | 6 Comments »

FINDING MY VOICE – PART 2

March 13, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

I have created images for all of my song stories. I am sharing some of my cover images still in development. This one is for my story “One Day She Began To Play.”

“Setting Myself Free”

Currently, it has been discouraging for me. I have not seen any improvement with the fogginess in my left eye and it even seems to have worsened. A little over a month ago, I had an episode where a large floater formed when the gel in my eye separated from the back of my eye wall. I was told it was a common occurrence. Three ophthalmologists told me that my vision would eventually improve and that the blurriness was due to retinal blood that would be absorbed over time. Fortunately, I did not have a retinal detachment.

At the end of this week, I am getting yet another opinion with a doctor outside my HMO, this time at my own expense. I am doing this due to the suggestion of my good friend, Dr. Sam, whom I reconnected with when I first began writing my blog.

I cannot write about many of the things that are going on in my life. With my divorce still pending, it would be inappropriate to share much. I can say that the lawyers have been negotiating; our home went on sale four days ago and it looks like it will sell quickly.

I have missed writing my true feelings. I long to express so much and the words tear at me. It has been easier for me to live within my song lyrics and music. When I am overwhelmed, singing allows me to heal.

I did not sing at all for over thirty years. When my journey began in 2010, I took lessons at a public park with Peaches Chrenko. We worked together for over two years until Peaches moved away in August of 2012, shortly before I separated from my husband.

After I moved out, I longed to sing again. I remember I heard a wonderful woman sing at a friend’s event. I wrote her name down. At the end of 2012, I looked her up with the intention of taking voice lessons again. This was during a time when my financial situation was tenuous, but I knew it was temporary. My new life was about healing myself and trusting my instincts.

The voice lessons with my new teacher, Kimberly Haynes, brought joy back into my life.

Almost immediately, I noticed that I had a new awareness whenever I sang. I became an “instrument” every time I opened my mouth. I celebrated my progress and marveled at how much better my songs sounded.

As a result of my glorious improvement, I decided I would record new vocals for 17 songs on the music CD that will accompany my audiobook. This was such a difficult decision for me to make. It will involve hundreds of hours and delay the release of my book by approximately six months.

Even though I am anxious to share my book and music, I feel strongly that my new voice is far more important for my story than anything else. My journey has always been about following my heart, and my heart has told me that I will have a far greater impact with my new voice.

It is not about technique either; it’s about truly expressing myself.

For me, singing has always been about sharing my emotion with my lyrics.

I never liked my voice when I was younger. After not singing for decades, over the last three years I have continued to remain very insecure about my singing ability. Whenever I have tried to sing more forcefully, I hear tightness and have pitch issues. I learned to counter this by singing soft and breathy.

The most amazing part is how much my music and my life are intertwined!

It is no coincidence that last week I began arranging one of my favorite older songs entitled “How We Don’t Care.” My song is all about poor communication and not expressing true feelings. The chords reflect sadness and the haunting music below reflects my mood perfectly. (even though I have not yet sung a vocal for it).

Click the blue link below to play audio of my arrangement in progress:

HOW WE DON’T CARE – Karaoke in progress

Click the blue link to play audio of an older arrangement of this song:

HOW WE DON’T CARE-6/12/12

I wrote my song when I was 19 years old and dealing with a painful friendship at the time. But “How We Don’t Care” is how I operated for decades in my marriage.

For most of my life, I have suppressed most of my feelings. From the time I was young, I never felt safe expressing anger and preferred instead to shove it away deep inside. Also, since ending my marriage I have been numb with guilt.

My inner voice encouraged me to sing because singing is actually a perfect metaphor for freeing myself.

I could not achieve the vocal results I wanted because I was afraid to sing loudly. It felt risky for me and I did not like to hear what I perceived as a harsh tone. It led to breathiness overall – I believed that it was prettier. The irony was that when I was younger (prior to marriage), I sang loudly without fear!

The suppression of my singing came from erroneous beliefs. The muscles to create that breathy tone completely blocked my singing mechanism. There was more than one way to sing, and I didn’t need to only sing softly. This was definitely a parallel to how I often never spoke my true feelings. I softened them by laughing, but I seethed inside. I felt hatred during my marriage and was often angry.

I hid it from everyone, including myself.

I never even discussed with my husband why I wanted a divorce. Even after counseling, our habit was to avoid any kind of conflict. Our divorce was ultimately the first and final conflict.

My present situation is beyond awkward. He is very angry, but doesn’t show it. This certainly has come to me with clear messages delivered by our children.

Sadly, I thought I deserved it. I was the instigator. I felt like I had destroyed the very family I devoted myself to for decades.

I’ve decided that I have suffered enough. It is time for me to move forward. Finding my voice and freeing it is a step in that direction.

A picture when I graduated from college.

A picture from when I graduated college.

Below are lesson excerpts from my recent lessons with Kimberly Hanes, whom I find completely inspirational. Click the blue link to play audio:

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT A

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT B

LESSON KIMBERLY 3/10/13 BLOG EXCERPT C-

Kimberly has been very clear that my voice is something I need “to own.” She encourages me to have faith about where I am going and what I am doing. In order to open up my voice, I need to stop inhibiting myself and just “allow it to fly.”

She has been very concerned about how much I am influenced by other people’s input.

Two weeks ago, Kimberly was sick with bronchitis and cancelled our lesson. She cancelled again last week, with a message that she was not quite well enough to teach yet.

The day before our cancelled lesson, I sent her a message. I told her that if she was well enough, I would love to still come and hang out with her – she could just listen to my latest recordings and give me input instead of our regular lesson. I did not expect her to sing for me and wasn’t worried about catching anything.

I missed our lessons and was becoming frustrated. Over the past weeks, I could tell I had regressed. Old habits and patterns seemed so difficult for me to discard.

I was grateful when Kimberly said she would see me.

Our lesson put me back on track and lifted me right up. Although Kimberly was not up to par, it was so great to be with her. Even with bronchitis, she was the true professional and continued to guide me through several songs. We spent a lot of time on my song “Set You Free.”

There was one part in my song that required singing the words “set you free” in my high register. I struggled with it over and over.

But at the end of our lesson something clicked for me. It was a tiny incremental adjustment, a feeling that was difficult to describe. I came home and began singing. I could hear the difference. It was easy to make this change and was something I had been afraid to do. But I wasn’t afraid of it anymore.

I understood now. I was going to allow myself to use my vocal cords and to sing with my true voice. I didn’t need to sing breathy anymore.

I had spent hundreds and hundreds of hours editing songs for many months. It turned out that my artistic skill now translated into amazing musical editing skills. I could achieve much of what I wanted for my songs without concentrating on truly singing.

But it turned out that singing was exactly what I needed to do now. The editing would assist me, for sure. None of my learning was wasted and I decided to look at everything leading up to this as part of my journey.

“Libra vs. Libra”

Two weeks ago, I allowed one of my song instrumentals to be used on an astrological website in Finland. I wrote a brief story to go with the page “Libra vs. Libra.”

I hadn’t touched base with friends and family in awhile, so this was a great opportunity to share a link with them:

http://astrolitarian.com/libra-woman-libra-man/

I was thrilled when I heard back from my former voice teacher, Peaches. She congratulated me and told me she thought of me often. I wrote her back with the following update:

Oh Peaches, it was great to hear from you! I always think of you and miss you terribly. How are you doing? I would love to catch up.

I have written two new songs since you moved and they are very touching for me. One is “Angel In the Sky” and the other one is called “Music Saved Me.” You are with me in all of my songs; I learned so much from you!

Because I was so forlorn, I started taking voice lessons again. My new teacher’s name is Kimberly Haynes.

Finally, I realize that I need to be open to concentrating on vocal technique. (I still talk too much during lessons). The other part is practicing. (Like Steve Martin, I want results without exercising). I wish I could say that I could sing freely in my new apartment, but I can’t. My two teenagers hate it. So I go out and practice in my car.

With my sadness, I sing a lot and I’ve improved as a result. I am attaching one my new songs; it’s about music saving me. Music is like god for me!

I moved out in October. The divorce part isn’t easy, but I’ve adjusted. The hardest part of my life right now is my eyesight. I had three cataract surgeries (an additional surgery due to a complication) and then a month ago I had another problem. I have one eye that is completely blurry and that has left me in a deep depression.

I’ve decided to wait on emerging from the curtain. I’m going to redo all my song vocals one more time after thousands of hours editing them. I’ve improved tremendously and feel much more connected with my songs now, too.

Music is definitely saving me! I miss you,

Love, Judy

The night I decided to write this post, I found this old fortune cookie wrapper in my jacket pocket. It was definitely a sign for me since I planned to write about discovering patience in my life.

THE PRINCESS AND THE RAINBOW IN HER HEART

The princess was determined, but she was getting tired. She surveyed the burnt landscape in the distance. Ahead of her were miles to go, but with intense focus she placed one foot in front of the other. Her older children walked alongside of her. She noticed that she did not hold their hands anymore.

The new landscape was peaceful, but her journey had been exhausting. When she began her travels, she had been filled with excitement. Now she was calm, but joyless. She understood why she wasn’t dancing; eventually she hoped she’d reach an uplifting destination.

Even though her journey took her through a drab landscape, she felt inspired by the beautiful music that accompanied her.

She felt strong, despite her fatigue. What buoyed her the most was singing. When she sang, music poured over her soul and washed away every ounce of pain. Each melody and musical note caressed her wounds. Her gratefulness for this magical elixir was endless. It was her special gift.

Whenever she felt lonely, she shared it. It helped her when she was able to touch and heal other sad people. At the same time, it gave her clarity about her journey and her beautiful destination.

The farther away she was from the dragon, the more confused she became. She was still worried about him and knew that he was burning himself up in the smoky castle. He needed to leave and she needed her belongings. She wanted what she rightfully hers after so many years with him. There was no escaping him because he was also connected to their children.

She disliked the dragon, but adored their children. For such a long time, she had devoted herself to her family. But the dragon was miserable and unhappy with his life. The dragon did not have a clue how to change anything, and was not even aware of the wicked spell that had caused him to change from a prince into a dragon. The princess felt that he blamed her for his unhappiness.

But when she discovered her own happiness, she decided to escape. She still worried about the dragon, but she knew she needed to save herself; otherwise they both would perish. Her courage came to her through her own song lyrics.

She felt smoke pouring out of her soul as she escaped.

Just as she anticipated, she could hear the dragon roaring in pain in the distance. His screams were silent, but reverberated deeply in her heart. His hatred for her was sharper than any sword and pierced deeply into her heart.

She understood his hatred; she had betrayed his trust. She disliked the dragon, but she did not allow herself to feel hatred. Thinking how their love had changed was too painful. She was confused and numb.

Onward she trudged forward; she was certain her destination was growing closer. Her determination grew even fiercer and she neglected herself. She had stopped looking at the horizon or at her surroundings. It was then when she realized that it was difficult for her to see where she was going.

It was not nightfall, but an impenetrable fog had surrounded her. She tried to be calm and discover what had happened.

It turned out her vision had changed.

With every ounce of her being she tried to accept it and stay positive. The worst part was that she could no longer see where she was going. Sad questions swirled within her. How could she be afflicted with this burden when she was already coping with a great deal? The unfairness sometimes overwhelmed her, but she did not want to allow for self-pity.

She decided that she would continue her journey despite the fog. Onward and onward she plodded, but she realized she was lost now. Without music she would have fallen into dark holes in the landscape ahead of her. Her music swirled around her and glowed so she was safe.

She began to run into things and stumble. Her frustration grew deeper and she realized she could not continue. The fog had become too much to bear; everything was out of focus and it hurt to even open her eyes. She sobbed as she collapsed near the edge of a dark hole. The music stopped and there was only silence.

Where was her inner voice? She knew that she had ignored everything in order to move forward; perhaps her inner voice had left her also. As she lay on the ground, she begged her inner voice for help.

Tears coursed down her cheeks when she finally received an answer. Her inner voice told her there was only one word that would help her now. She listened carefully.

The word echoed deeply throughout her mind. It was “patience.”

Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

It was interesting for her when she looked up the definition. She studied it in order to understand what was required of her. There was no question that she often struggled with angry and upset feelings. They were taboo for her.

The part about accepting her eyesight problem and delaying releasing her audio-book were also huge.

She had changed her focus from enjoying her journey toward searching for a destination. What had happened to the joy? That was most definitely her message and the reason she had the courage to change her life.

She realized there truly was no destination in her life until she died.

It turned out that her destination was all about rushing to prove her worth to others.

Although she was anxious to help other people, that could continue. She knew she was still the richest princess in the world; whether or not anyone else knew it was not important.

She rested and allowed for more and more music. Even though her world was gray, she traveled inside her heart. She closed her eyes and discovered that within her heart was a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors that she missed so much. Whenever she sang, colors beamed from her body and light surrounded her.

The days marched onward. She continued singing and it eased everything painful in her life as all sorrow flowed out from her heart. Her emotional melodies transcended everything she had ever done before.

It truly was all about patience.

She was forced to stop plodding in order to find the rainbow in her heart. Her vision would return when it was time. She was filled with acceptance as she lifted her eyes into the sky and thanked her inner voice.

Her inner voice gently replied:

“Your journey has taken you to this place now. It is important that you rest and find comfort with your rainbow inside. Your gift was always there. You are finally understanding it and expressing it. Although you are eager to share yourself with the world, your voice is a gift to help you through the darkness.

Allow your heart to heal because you are going to connect with a million souls when you are ready.”

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags: Astrolitarian, divorce, divorce and separation, expressing feelings, finding my voice, gray divorce, inner voice, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, Libra Vs. Libra, loss, metaphors about singing, Music, optimism, original songs, separation, separation after a long marriage, singing, singing lessons, singing openly, singing voice, songwriter, songwriting, staying positive, the princess and the dragon, vocal coaching, vocal concepts, vocal lessons, vocal techniques, vocalizing, voice lessons, writing
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

LIEBSTER AWARD

February 25, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

I want to thank Tersia Burger. She has nominated me for the Liebster Award.

Tersia writes with heartbreaking honesty. Her writing about her daughter’s life and death really affected me. Tersia’s blog impacted me so much that I dedicated one of my songs to her daughter, Vicky:

Never Gone Away.

It amazes me how as a result of blogging, I’ve formed a wonderful friendship on the other side of the world. Here is a link that shares more about our friendship when it began:

Music Rescued My Soul

Tersia honors me by nominating me for the Liebster award and I humbly accept!

http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/

Rules of The Liebster Award

1. You must thank the person who gave you this award

2. You must display the Liebster heart on your blog

3. You should nominate 7 other blogs

4. Each person must post 11 things about themselves

5. Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you

6. Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer

7. Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post

Seven Blogs I Nominate:

http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/

http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/

http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/

http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/

http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/

http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/

11 Things About Me:

1. My children are everything to me.

2. I am amazed at how many chords and lyrics I have memorized. I’ve composed well over 40 original songs and can play all of them by heart. The guitar parts can be quite complicated and some songs are played in several keys. I still remember many of the several hundred cover-songs I used to play, too.

3. I refused to learn how to use a computer and avoided learning to email for many years. So now I am very proud of how proficient I’ve become. I’ve found the computer is an incredible tool that truly assists me with music, art and writing. My excellent English and typing skills have been very useful for blogging. I am adept with Photoshop; it also has been very handy for me. I am proud and grateful that I embraced the digital age after resisting it for so long. I can’t wait to start recording my second audio book!

4. When I began my blog and started writing in 2010, I never would have believed it would lead to me to the decision to divorce my husband after 31 years of marriage.

5. Occasionally, I miss painting with watercolors, but my passion for art has been overshadowed by music. When I record and hear a new song, my heart bursts with joy. I usually cry when I’m singing. My songs are like babies. Nothing moves me like music.

6. I treasure my smile. I love to laugh and enjoy telling puns. It both irritates and amazes my friends.

7. I am very dangerous on the tennis court. All of the women whom I play women’s doubles with would agree. It is such great therapy for me to hit a tennis ball. Unfortunately, it is embarrassing when it rockets into my opponent’s face!

8. Although my mother has dementia and cannot understand much, she lights up when we’re together and exudes deep love for me. I bask in her light and appreciate that I’ve had her as long as I have; she is a miraculous survivor. She inspires me with her ability to hang in there, and I believe it’s because of her deep love for life and family.

9. I miss my father who died last year. But I feel him with me, especially since I sleep in the same bed and bedroom where he used to.

10. I love to write and express myself. My guitar is my best friend. I especially love dreaming about where my life will go. But if it remains the way it is now, I’m perfectly fine with that.

11. I am extremely open and honest. I can easily share my intimate feelings. My music rediscovery blossomed as a result of my opening up and I know that I’ve touched many people with my writing and music. When I began my blog, I shared many personal details about my children because my life was focused upon them for many years. I am grateful that I was able to move from writing about them to discovering my own life!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO ANSWER FROM TERSIA:

1) Are you addicted to your STATS?

Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes, I’ve added up the minutes per day checking them and realize it takes up a lot of my time. But I keep doing it!

2) What country do you live in?

The United States.

3) How many friends would you have on a major birthday party guest list?

I loved my fiftieth birthday where my dear tennis friends surrounded me. I also loved my fortieth birthday, which was a surprise party given to me by Norm and Jo (my brother and sister-in-law) and my parents. For my next major party (sixtieth) I’d definitely want my children there and perhaps 20 friends.

4) What is your favourite post?

My favorite post on my blog is: All I have left after the death of my child. I love it because it crystallizes everything that I express with my writing and music. The picture of my deceased son, Jason, biking with ET, gets me every time. He was such a happy child!

Inspiring hope of healing is what Jason wants me to share with the world. Our love is as deep as it was when I last cradled him in my arms, even though it has been twenty years since he died.

–

5) Who is your inspiration when writing?

Since childhood, I’ve written hearing a voice in my mind that I’ve called “Judy of the Future.” I always listen for her wise voice. I do believe that God inspires me now. I lived without faith and disliked religion for years, even more so after my son’s death. But now I feel blessed and inspired. I understand my purpose in life and accept that I’ll die someday. My life is precious.

6) Introvert or extrovert?

Both. I love playing my guitar and writing while alone. I also love sharing with other people. I have a lot to say in both cases!

7) Why do you read my blog?

I came across your blog, Tersia, while searching for blogs about grief. I wanted to carry my message of hopefulness to people in deep grief. But your blog had me bawling because unlike helping people who have lost a child, your daughter was still alive and suffering. I couldn’t imagine anything I could do to help. I didn’t expect to hear back from you when I shared my song “Set You Free.” Then you turned my world upside down by posting it and announcing how my song helped you. What more is there in life than to make a difference to another human? When you told me that Vicky listened to my music while she was dying; I cried picturing that!

8) Favourite quote?

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

9) Favourite holiday location?

Right where I am. Since I’ve given myself permission to pursue my passionate love for writing and music – my life is like a holiday. I am a workaholic who doesn’t feel like it’s work.

10) How long have you been writing?

I discovered I loved writing in the sixth grade when I was eleven years old. My teacher was certain I’d be published someday. I tried to share with her that I published a maze book when I was in eighth grade, but she had already moved away and I didn’t know how to contact her.

–

Autograph Book from Elementary School

11) Favourite TV show?

This is hard to answer. It’s embarrassing because I hate television with a passion. It was always turned on in my bedroom and I searched for ways to ignore it; listening to music helped somewhat. If I could travel back in time to when I did enjoy TV, it was a very long time ago. Okay, here it is: Thirtysomething. It was such a wonderful show and I still remember many of the episodes.

I love old pictures. I was about 9 years old in this photo with my mother and brother, Norm.

11 Questions For My Nominees:

1. Are you able to express your true feelings? When you can’t, how do you deal with it?

2. Do you wake up to write because it can’t wait?

3. Do you love chocolate? If not, what is your favorite delight?

4. Is exercise a chore or something you enjoy?

5. Do you imagine what you will be doing ten years from now? Will you be happier?

6. What is your favorite color and how does it make you feel?

7. Are you good about backing up your computer?

8. What is your favorite song that moves you?

9. What is your favorite post on your blog?

10. Do you dream?

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 1”

I love inspiring other people.

A week ago, I spoke to a woman named Carol whom I reached out to on a Facebook grief site. We had some lovely exchanges, which I’ve already shared on my blog.

Last week, I received a message from Carol with a request from her for us to talk on the telephone. We both live on opposite coasts of the USA; Carol lives in New Jersey and I live in Los Angeles.

I called her and we were both on the phone for two hours. Carol wanted to discuss ways that I could share my music and writing with more people. It was very exciting for me to hear her ideas. I began to dream again about where my book and music would go.

Finally, I told her I was tired. I was going to go and pluck my guitar before going to bed.

I ended up propping up the phone on my music stand and playing a concert for her!

I sang while bending over near the phone. When I finished my first song, I picked up the phone. It was quiet, so I said, “Carol, are you still there?”

I heard a sniffle and her voice was teary as she said, “Oh my god, oh my god, you are making me cry – keep it coming, girl!”

I couldn’t believe that I was playing my guitar to someone I had just met over the phone!

Our exchange ended with Carol gushing, “Judy, you’ve inspired me to write again! My family can’t believe it. I made them all listen to your audio stories – it was important for me to do that because I wanted them to understand the depth of my pain losing my son. You have an amazing way of conveying that. I want to thank you for changing my life!”

This was taken at an open-mic performance where I courageously sang without my guitar!

“You’ve inspired me to write – Part 2”

I was smiling when I saw that Tersia had nominated me for the Liebster Award. I needed that smile because my day had been particularly challenging.

Tersia had posted something about eagles two days before. After studying the requirements for my Liebster Award, I carefully re-read her earlier post. It was all about eagle chicks and what their mother would do in order to teach them to fly.

Her post had me rolling on the floor. It was such a perfect post for my day! I was completely stressed out from issues with both my teenagers.

I wondered how in the world I was going to keep pushing my children without being hated! This was the hardest job in the world and I wished I knew what to do. But after reading about eagle moms, I had a much lighter feeling and a far better perspective. Instead of worrying whether my children might hate me, I needed to continue pushing because otherwise I would actually cripple them.

This was her post and I highly recommend it to any parent with teenagers: I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE

Though I appreciated Tersia’s timing, I was very sad to read that she felt she had smothered her daughter; she ached because her daughter never had the chance to leave her nest. Tersia’s longing and torment was inconsolable.

Suddenly, I felt compelled to write a story about Tersia and Vicky. It was so vivid! I emailed my story to Tersia and this was what she wrote back to me:

“Thank you Judy for writing Vic and my story. I have decided to try to publish a book on Vic’s journey. I don’t have a clue how to go about it but I know, that with your permission, this will be the foreword of the book! Thank you, dear friend.”

ANGEL MOMMY AND ANGEL BABY

The mommy eagle awaited the arrival of her baby chick. But when the time came, her baby was flaccid and close to death. There was little chance her sickly baby would survive. The eagle mom decided to name her child angel baby and prayed she would not lose her. The name was perfect, because her baby continued to live despite all odds.

But the eagle mom was not an ordinary mom; she was actually an angel mom and that was why an angel baby was borne to her. Both of them were special beyond description and surprisingly, neither one knew it.

But everyone around else did. There was no other explanation as to how her baby chick survived. It definitely was miraculous.

Every ounce of the angel mom’s soul went into helping her baby survive. Her baby fiercely clung to survival because of her mother’s love.

While other eagle mom’s had babies that flew, this angel mom had a child that would never fly. How she wished she could help her baby! She decided that not only would she devote herself to her child’s survival, she would teach her sickly angel baby to fly without ever leaving the nest! There were other ways her baby could fly and together they discovered beautiful ways.

It was their secret and her angel baby loved flying. She closed her eyes when she flew; her beauty was exquisite and she glowed.

Angel mom was so devoted to her baby that she never allowed herself to fly. She chose to only fly while holding onto her baby. She never understood that it was this connection that actually gave her baby the ability to fly.

Soon her baby eagle grew up. Her angel baby treasured her amazing life. Her ability to fly without wings was a secret. To outsiders, she appeared to be a suffering and deformed creature.

Eventually though, it was time for the angel chick to fly alone; now she would go to places in heaven. And one day, she would be reunited with her angel mom and together they would fly again.

When angel baby left for heaven, angel mom was heartbroken and suffered horribly. Even though this was something both of them had anticipated for a long time, angel mom had no idea what to do.

Angel mom cried and cried. She wondered why other people had babies that could easily fly and didn’t leave for heaven prematurely. Typically, babies were set free to live.

Instead, she was forced to set her baby free flying to heaven!

Even though she had helped her angel baby to fly secretly during her difficult life, angel mom had no idea how to fly herself.

She was tormented with longing for her angel baby and felt truly alone.

Angel baby didn’t want to leave and was very worried about her angel mommy. In her short life, angel baby touched many people with her courage. She actually flew farther than any eagle could.

She decided to carry a message to her mother. She whispered a story to a friend to share with her angel mommy.

With her story, angel baby reminded her mommy that setting her free was beautiful; just as she had gifted her with life, she had gifted her with death.

All children must be set free. Angel baby wanted to thank her mom and remind her mommy it was time for her to learn to fly. It was never too late!

Angel baby wanted her mommy to know that she was capable of flying. Angel mom would inspire many others to join her while she soared.

Tags: "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, awards, blogger, child's death, composing, creativity, Daily Life, daughter vicky, death of a child, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, http://dailydivorcemeditations.wordpress.com/, http://doyleswidow.wordpress.com/, http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com/, http://littlestarslost.wordpress.com/, http://lunasmoondance.wordpress.com/, http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/, http://tersiaburger.com/tag/liebster-award/, http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/, Humor, humor daily life, inspiration, Liebster Award, loss, lovesong, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, optimism, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, Tersia Burger, writing
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THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 3

February 24, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

This is an example of one of my story covers for my upcoming audio book.

THE WONDERFUL METAPHORS – PART 1

This has been one of more challenging times in my life. My eye still bothers me and I have tremendous stress, which I cannot share.

To cope, I surround myself with music. My musical elixir continues to soothe my soul and inspire me. I cannot imagine what I would do without it. A few days ago, a new melody for a song began to play in my life. I am not sure at all what lyrics I’ll write, but I’m patient as I wait for inspiration.

Currently, I am celebrating that I suddenly have found a new and stronger voice. My vocal improvement is skyrocketing into the heavens as a result of working with Kimberly Haynes.

I have a tendency to talk a lot during my voice lessons. It’s because I become so excited by the opportunity to share my passion for music. In order to learn from Kimberly, I try really hard to concentrate. She is gentle, yet firm as she redirects me.

Kimberly is such a wonderful teacher. She is thoughtful as she demonstrates vocalizing, carefully explaining every detail in order to help me achieve the best vocal result. Her steady encouragement and positive approach shines. Once again, I’ve found laughter in my life. During the time we’re together, I work myself to exhaustion, but soar with joy hearing the results. Every week at our lesson, I share songs I’m going to work on with Kimberly. Her input has made a significant difference.

My music heals me in so many ways. In addition to singing, I am forging onward to create new arrangements and instrumental versions for some of my older songs.

Two weeks ago, I began working on a new arrangement with George that simply rocks! It is for one of my favorite songs, “Saying Goodbye.” This song will definitely benefit from my stronger voice.

It is fascinating that I am working on such an up-tempo and powerful song while I am going through a divorce. My song was written when I was 19 years old. I wrote it after breaking up with my future husband, whom I later reunited with. Later on, I revised a few words from my song so I could read them at Jason’s funeral

“Saying Goodbye” is applicable to many areas in my life, so it’s no surprise my song really moves me. My new arrangement is completely captivating. Even though it is not finished, it clearly has all the elements of a great song.

Every time I hear it, I feel my heart racing with joy!

Below is my instrumental arrangement, as well as a clip from a recent voice lesson with Kimberly. Clicking the blue link plays audio:

SAYING GOODBYE #4 INSTRUMENTAL 2/26/13

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt – Saying Goodbye

I often love to write about metaphors; my song lyrics and stories are filled with them.

Therefore, it is no coincidence that I see beautiful metaphors that relate what I’m learning about singing to improving my life. And those same concepts that help me improve as a singer, even apply to my tennis game!

Here are some examples with my interpretation in italics below it:

Before I sing, the best result happens with intense stillness and focus. I must stop my breath before I start. This helps me to better manage my air. I remind myself to loosen my jaw. And most importantly, I strive for the inspirational feeling that allows my vocals to resonate within my larynx. All of those things must coincide and require tremendous concentration.

Recently, I have found myself frenetically moving in many different directions. I believe that by constantly pushing myself, I am simply running away from my own feelings. I prefer not to stop and deal with painful emotions. I make more thoughtful decisions when I concentrate before moving forward. Music has inspired me to stop and listen.

Singing is very intimate and there is great vulnerability with it. Fear, which is one of the greatest inhibitors in life, comes into play for me while singing. I am often afraid to open my eyes and even more so, lately, because they bother me.

Closing my eyes definitely relates to my current life. I have been suffering greatly with accepting blurry vision in my left eye. But if I want to connect with my audience, I must force myself to keep my eyes open.

Probably the most major singing problem I have is my fear of singing out. Somewhere along the way, I decided to sing softly in order to be safe. As a result, I have formed habits of using my throat muscles in an unnatural way. I’ve suppressed my natural voice.

Pushing things down has resulted in unhealthy feelings and behaviors for me. Overeating is one example of this. Holding things in requires tremendous energy. It depletes me and diverts me from truly experiencing pleasure in life.

I am striving to discover a more complete voice for myself and am learning to use my “red voice” (similar to my speaking voice), which strengthens my tone. But in order to do this, I must be willing to experiment. Sometimes, it sounds horrible and feels strange. If I don’t allow for this – with the trust that it will improve, I will remain stuck in my old habits.

This is a perfect analogy about going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage. I uprooted my life, because I felt I deserved a chance to be happy. The adjustment is uncomfortable at times, but I have faith and confidence that things will improve.

I have been a pacifist all of my life. I was always trying so hard to force my children to get along. I never expressed my true feelings in my marriage. My husband and I never had arguments or fights. When I told him I wanted a divorce, we never even discussed my reasons for it. Suppressing my emotions became a habit; I have a lot of fear about expressing anger. Emerging from my divorce represents a new pathway. I am eager to find my stronger voice to express my true feelings again!

“Music inspired, while noise was empty”

I have finally begun to record vocals for many of my empty song arrangements. I started with my most recent song composition, “Music Saved Me.”

Clicking the blue link, plays audio:

This song has one of my favorite stories behind it. Below are links that share more about my song:

MUSIC SAVED ME

WHEN NOISE TURNED TO MUSIC

I am very close to releasing a CD of my music and audio book. Devoting myself to learning about music editing has been a full-time endeavor over the last two years. I want to share just a few things about it.

I taught myself Garage Band, and am adept at reducing harsh consonants and sibilance (S sounds) by using fades. An audio story contains hundreds of fades. Slowly, I am learning to work with the Pro-tools program; sometimes it has been overwhelming for me to take in so much. Below is an image that shows my work on Garage Band.

Reducing T

The countless hours of teaching myself editing techniques has enabled me to create vocals I am proud of. I choose the best parts from many vocal takes in order to achieve this. Now I am faced with deciding whether to re-record some of my song vocals with my improved voice. This is a dilemma. I far prefer to move forward and record vocals for my newer songs instead. I want to reach out and start helping people with my music and stories even if my recordings are not my absolute best.

At this juncture, I am not sure what I’ll do. But I will definitely have an improved vocal to go with the fabulous new arrangement for “Saying Goodbye.”

In addition to drawing mazes while bored in high school, sometimes I created elaborate patterns. My father saved this old drawing of mine.

My passion about singing and music is best shared with recordings from some of my recent lessons. Because people are often too busy to listen, I’ve transcribed parts of these recordings.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #1

I am highlighting the words, which mention important concepts that truly are wonderful metaphors in my life.

Judy:

I got to sing this week! There was one glorious evening when my daughter went out and my son was gone, too. I sang for two hours. And what happened was my red voice started to come out; it was in all of my songs. I was celebrating it and loving it!

I did a recording a few days ago. I found I had some red voice, but pulled back. What I didn’t like was when I got to the chorus; I wanted to go a little stronger. But when I heard the red voice– I pulled back – it had a funny tone, wavering.

I have a waver in my voice, because when it does get strong, I don’t allow it. I’m afraid to hurt the microphone. I can play you my recording, so you can hear exactly what I’m talking about.

Kimberly:

Your jaw is still very involved – and look, I’m going to show you where your tongue is. It’s pulled back, which means it’s pressing down on your larynx. That causes your jaw to become involved. Also, there are so many things that happen when you compress all of the vowels.

Judy:

It’s so hard to remember to change it!

Kimberly:

You need to have this canister in here. The pharynx has to be blown up like a sail. Otherwise, the larynx pops up – it’s all compressed and there’s no resonance – so it sounds thin. You sing with a breathy voice, its lovely. You sing like that to your baby.

Judy:

But I agree with you, it doesn’t allow me to fully express how I feel if I sing only one way.

Kimberly:

But I think that you’re singing it to your baby. This is an important thing to notice about why you’re singing the way you’re singing.

Judy:

Sweetness and innocence . . . like you said to “a baby,” I’m a “lullaby singer.” Perhaps it’s because I’m healing myself and I’m trying to heal other people.

–

Here, I’ll show you the part that stuck out for me. The words are, “You’re my lovely light, just not in sight.” This was very important for me to express. For people grieving, they can’t cope with the loss. But even if you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #2

Judy:

Whenever it gets loud. These words have a problem: “Gone . . . Day . . . anything that’s big where I want to express it.

Kimberly:

Explosive consonants.

Judy:

Exactly! I sing the word “Day,” then I feel a waver and I’m tightening it up. At the end of the chorus, I totally pulled back. I really want to be able to keep going with that strength. This is a stronger song.

Kimberly:

So, I’m hearing a lot of breath. This is definitely something to get managed. Say it, “When I was younger.”

Judy:

But it sounds terrible.

Kimberly:

You have to do it, Judy. No matter who you are, if you’ve never used that voice – it’s not going to be this beauteous thing. You’ve got to use it before you can train it.

LESSON KIMBERLY 2/17/13 blog excerpt #3

Kimberly:

We always sing from stoppage. You can’t have breath management if you don’t ever stop the breath.

Judy:

That’s a very big concept. Yeah, I was practicing that. And it’s so interesting, I’m trying so hard to round the vowels – it’s multi-tasking. I think of one thing and I can’t do the other at the same time. So I can do one or the other, but I’m going to really manage the air on this one.

Kimberly:

Believe me, I’m just going to keep nagging you, so don’t worry.

Judy:

You can nag me for the rest of my life. Trust me, you’re going to be in my head. You don’t know. I hear your voice all the time!

Kimberly:

I hope it’s a nice voice.

Judy:

It’s very nice. It’s all about what I want to do to improve. There’s motivation here. The main thing for me is I like to articulate. And I think there’s a reason for it. For years when I’ve listened to music, I don’t know what they’re saying. And people have totally have told me that they love my articulation because they understand me. So it’s just reinforced that. And I appreciate what you’re teaching me. The problem is that just like another language, my mouth is going there.

Kimberly:

You’re so habituated to over-pronouncing. I have to say I think there’s an enormous amount of power in your voice that you’re trying to suppress in a funny way.

Judy:

Yes! You heard my voice on that old cassette. In my youth, I didn’t worry about it – I blasted!

Kimberly:

There’s a lot of energy there. I think it would be a good exercise for you to just let it fly.

Judy:

In recordings, it’s always sounded horrible if I did that.

Kimberly:

Do it at home. You don’t have trust yet in that voice. You’re over trying. Don’t even worry about it.

Judy:

At least I can find it!

Kimberly:

Yes, It’s fantastic!

Judy:

I just remember that whenever I went to a low note with the blue voice I couldn’t rely on it and I’d have the air push it through. So now when I use the red voice, it’s so much easier. It’s like speaking. Thank god, I’m finding this just in time.

Kimberly:

Now hold that position – hold that speaking idea. We’re not talking, we’re speaking. Over time you will learn how to sing in that voice. See, I’m singing in that voice, but I’m doing it with a light touch. It’s the register; it’s the way that I let my chords come together.

A lot of times, there are muscles that we engage in order not to feel . . .

Judy:

I was just thinking of that! With the blue voice, I was thinking of Julie Andrews and the problems she had . . . trying to keep the breath going and soften things that naturally want to come out by holding it in.

Kimberly:

And she also did over-pronouncing.

Judy:

Oh, she did that, too?

Kimberly:

(Kimberly demonstrates by singing, “The sound of music.”)

Judy:

You’re right!

Kimberly:

Okay, so she was controlling all this stuff with these big, giant muscles out here. And she ended up having some pretty major problems.

Judy:

Later on: (Demonstrating an exercise) I practiced!

Kimberly:

(Smiling with pleasure) You sure did.

Judy:

I did. I’m a good student.

Kimberly:

Ahhh, honey, I’m so happy for you. I’m overwhelmed.

Judy:

Really, thank you. I am, too. Why not? It paid off!

Kimberly:

It’s a beautiful thing when you do that for yourself.

Judy:

I deserve this. I have so many songs that I love!

Tags: composing, creativity, Friendship, Garage Band, gray divorce, grief, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, hopefulness, inspiration, Kimberly Haynes, loss, lovesong, lyric development, metaphors, metaphors about singing, Music, music editing, musical inspiration, musical passion, navigating divorce after a long marriage, opening up, original songs, performing, red voice and blue voice, saying goodbye, singing, singing openly, singing techniques, song arrangements, songwriting, vocal coaching, vocalizing, voice lessons, voice teacher
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

I AM THE SANDWICH – PART 2

February 17, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Seeing what I wrote three years ago reminds me that my former life was definitely a ‘hero sandwich.” My current life is less complicated and I am thankful that I have music and writing to soothe myself.

Below is a link to:

I AM THE SANDWICH – PART 1

My life completely turned around when I began my rediscovery of music and writing. Today, I received a message from WordPress congratulating me on the third anniversary of my blog. On my first blog anniversary, I was so enamored about my journey that I created a special post filled with pictures. Here is a link to it: ABOUT MY STORY

On this third year, I had completely forgotten about it!

I truly am a member of the sandwich generation. The year when both my parents lived with me was definitely the most challenging time I experienced as a sandwich. During that time seven years ago, my mother was ill and I also had three children that required a great deal of my attention.

At this moment, I am responsible for two teenagers. My father died eight months ago and my elderly mother is in a nursing home. There are constant challenges for me as I wade through divorce after 31 years of marriage. I am squeezed so much that occasionally it is unbearable.

I also realize that I have a different take on things. Perhaps it was because I experienced the death of my child that I have less fear to follow my convictions. I’m certain that the process of seeing my parents’ decline also brought me to a place of courage. It enabled me to end my marriage.

Two years ago, my mother fell and broke her hip; I was told she needed surgery to repair it. I refused to allow her to have that surgery for many reasons. A year earlier, I had listened to doctors who insisted that my mother have shoulder surgery after a fall. As a result of that surgery, my mother had complications and ended up on a respirator for two months. It was a miracle that she survived; she had an immune disorder and was very fragile. Her hands were always tied because she was an uncooperative patient.

Refusing hip repair surgery was a gut-wrenching decision to make. I was told she probably wouldn’t survive the weekend, and she was placed on hospice. I was very thankful that she was not in pain.

Well, not only did my mother survive, she was even able to walk again! Her hip fracture healed. Unfortunately, her dementia continued to advance and she can no longer converse. I am grateful she is comfortable; she smiles and recognizes people whom she loves.

My mother thrives because my brothers and I pay for her to have a companion at the nursing home where she is. Her companion’s name is Miriam. I have written about Miriam many times on my blog. She is very special to me.

“No Hospitalization”

After my mother recovered from her hip fracture, my father and I were in agreement about creating a “no hospitalization” order for both him and my mother. He was adamant that neither of them would ever suffer in a hospital again.

For my mother, it meant she would never again face the nightmare of restraints to prevent her from pulling out tubes. For my father, it gave him great relief. He was furious about the “so called” non-invasive procedures that had caused him agonizing pain; doctors had extended his life in a way he considered to be torture.

On the morning of my father’s 87th birthday last May, he was unable to be awakened. Only a week before, he actually told me that his birthday wish was to be dead. I followed my father’s instructions and did not allow his nursing home to transport him to a hospital.

I didn’t realize that my father’s wish was such an aberration. It was very clear that the nursing home preferred to send my father to a hospital to die.

My goal was to keep him as comfortable as possible in his bed at the nursing home until his death. It was a huge challenge because there was great resistance to providing him with adequate pain medication. I wondered why it had to be so difficult.

My father suffered a lot the year before his death.

My father suffered greatly before his death.

“My heart pounded as I waited”

I was shopping and loading my car up with groceries when Miriam called me. Her voice was filled with terror when she said, “Judy, the nursing home just called 911!”

I quickly hung up and told her I’d call her back. I immediately called the charge nurse at her facility and was placed on hold to wait for more information. Questions swirled through my mind – why hadn’t I been notified sooner? What had happened to my mother’s “no hospitalization” order? My heart pounded as I waited.

Only the day before, my mother and I had gone out to lunch and she seemed fine. As I waited, I pictured the charge nurse running to stop the paramedics from transporting my mom to a hospital.

It actually happened. The paramedics were instructed not to transport my mother just as they were getting ready to take her to an ambulance.

It turned out that my mother had a violent coughing spell. It caused her to vomit a small amount. Her vital signs dropped after that, although she was fine a few moments later. But the charge nurse was new; she had already called 911 because she panicked.

It turned out that my mother’s “no hospitalization” order was a surprise to many of the staff there.

I had no idea it was so rare. For me, it was a no-brainer. Hospitals were torture chambers for both my parents. Even my mother-in-law had begged me to help her get out of a hospital shortly before her death.

The charge nurse came back on the phone to reassure me that she had stopped the paramedics. I grilled her about why I hadn’t been notified of a problem sooner. I was upset and tried to understand, but it wasn’t easy.

I was still sitting in a parking lot with groceries in my car. I decided to drive to her facility. As I pulled out of the parking lot, Miriam sent me a message. She said the paramedics had left; my mother seemed fine and was sleeping.

I ended up driving home and wasn’t sure what I’d do after that. I was exhausted and had a lot of groceries to put away; all of the ice cream had already melted. In only a few seconds, I went from enjoying my day to feeling quite stressed.

This was a perfect story about my life as a sandwich. I attempted to use humor to dispel my aggravation because I was relieved that my mother was okay. Later in the day while I was in the shower, I received a voicemail message from the head nursing supervisor. She told me she was very sorry and it wouldn’t happen again.

My mother no longer has her hair colored; she is too agitated to allow it.

“The Next Day”

My story might have been over at this point. But it is not. The next day, I took my mother out to lunch again with Miriam. My mother looked fine and I celebrated that she was still alive and not in pain.

But Miriam needed a lot of reassurance from me. She encountered many opinions from the staff at the nursing home. She had no idea how to respond to what she had heard and was quite worried.

It upset me so much that I felt the need to write.

This is what “no hospitalization” means to me:

It means that I don’t want my mother to needlessly suffer. But her ailments can still be treated. It is not the same as a “do not treat” order.

It does not mean that I want my mother to die.

It does not mean that I believe her life is unimportant.

I simply don’t want her life extended in a way where she would suffer. Especially with dementia, there is no purpose for her to ever be intubated again. There is no hospitalization if she has a stroke or heart attack.

If she broke her arm, I would probably allow for treatment at a hospital. The nursing home would discuss this with me first. Currently, my mother receives monthly gamma-globulin infusions that extend her life.

When this happened, Miriam listened to a lot of ignorant statements from the nursing home staff. She told me they discussed the situation aloud in front of her.

Here was what she heard:

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does her daughter complain to us when her mother has mouth sores or red eyes?”

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does she receive gamma-globulin infusions? What is the point?”

“If Shirley has a no hospitalization order, why does her family provide a companion?

Thankfully, I have a blog where I can freely express myself.

I had courage when my mom broke her hip. Now I have courage to follow what I believe in. I am shocked that having this order is considered something rare and “outside the box.”

There are those who believe in spending countless dollars to extend the suffering of terminally ill patients. I am proud of my willingness to go against medical professionals who believe they know what is best for my mother. I am so sorry for elderly people who do not have an advocate!

I have chosen my path and even if no one at my mother’s nursing home understands my reasoning – I stand by it.

I love my mother and celebrate her quality of life.

This picture was taken the day after 911 was called.

Tags: "sandwich generation", Advocacy, Aging Parents, broken hip without surgery, Caregiving, dementia, elderly directives, end of life decision, father's illness, inspiration, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, no hospitalization order, nursing homes, refusing to go to a hospital
Posted in Hip fracture-no surgery | 5 Comments »

ONLY TEARS – PART 2

February 7, 2013

BLOG TABLE OF CONTENTS

Click the blue link below to play audio:

–

ONLY TEARS INSTRUMENTAL

ONLY TEARS

We were children; we grew up so fast

We were confused; our plans were so vast

With uncertain careers

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

We were concerned; our future was scary

We were so close; soon I will marry

Childhood disappears . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day we’ll be older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

We were so crazy and I love you today

Will we stay close?

You might move away

With the passage of years . . .

I want to touch you, but I only feel tears

Oh, my friend, it won’t be long

Before our touch is a memory

One day when we’re older; we’ll know where we are

We’ll still feel our love, though our lives may be far

Now that we’re older, our stories are clear

I’ll feel you with me; you may not be near

Our love perseveres

I want to touch you

But I only feel tears

Music and memories intertwine for me. I can clearly remember when I was twenty.

I lived a lifetime during a single day back then. At the beach with my friends, playing my guitar – I was complete. All of us knew those days were made in heaven.

There was a favorite 70’s song that I always played during that time. It fit in perfectly with the words: “Please, don’t let this feeling end – it’s everything I am, everything I want to be . . .”

Those lyrics were from the theme song “Ice Castles,” also called “Through the Eyes of Love.” My friends would take turns warbling through the verses and together we would all sail along on the chorus. We sang our hearts out and certainly wished those beautiful feelings would never end.

In 1980 six months before my wedding, I composed my song “Only Tears.”

I have so many beautiful memories of singing my song. It was dedicated to all my friends – but I felt it was especially for my friend, Cheryl. She loved this song and I remember when I first composed and shared it with her. Her doe eyes sparkled back at me and I am emotional just remembering that moment.

I even sang my song aloud in the dressing room before my wedding took place.

Then not long after I was married in 1981, my music ended . . .

Until almost 30 years later when I picked up my guitar again in 2010.

At the same time I was finalizing my first audio book, I began to select songs for my second book. My most recent song, Angel in the Sky, especially gripped my heart. But I forced myself to continue onward because in addition to writing new songs, I wanted to redo some of the arrangements for my older songs.

I arranged my song “Only Tears” in 2010. I enjoyed experimenting when I first began arranging songs with George. My first arrangement had a country feel, complete with drums and electric guitar, but didn’t touch me.

I decided I wanted a new arrangement for “Only Tears” that would fulfill my sentimental vision for this song.

“Only Tears” was written during a golden time in my life, shortly before I was married. I sang my song whenever I was with my girlfriends, but my song was a special gift to Cheryl, who was my closest friend at that time. She loved my song and I even made her a painting that incorporated calligraphy of the lyrics. Many years later, Cheryl told me how she often looked at my painting and would always treasure it.

I was graduating college when I wrote “Only Tears,” and my lyrics expressed uncertainty about the future. Because I was getting married, I had some doubts over whether my friendships would endure, and that was the reason for my tears.

Four years after I wrote my song, Cheryl married and moved away. So my song actually was a prophecy, because ultimately I lost touch with almost all of my friends. Yet it was beautiful how later in my life, I reconnected with many of them, including Cheryl.

Cheryl died from breast cancer in 2008.

I found it interesting that I finished my new arrangement for “Only Tears” only a few days before the five-year anniversary of her death. A week ago, on the night of Cheryl’s death anniversary, I decided to revisit her breast cancer website (Caring Bridge).

The last entry on that website was one I had written; it was from 2009. When I wrote that message four years earlier, I expressed how sad I was that Cheryl would not see her fiftieth birthday. At that time, I had not yet begun to play my guitar again.

On February 1, 2013, I wrote a new message on the Caring Bridge website. And that same evening, I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement.

I also called Cheryl’s 91-year-old mother.

I had hoped I could give her mother comfort by sharing how Cheryl would always live on in my heart. Sadly, the last time I we had spoken, her mother had deeply withdrawn into her grief.

When Cheryl’s mother, Blanch, answered the phone that night, I was perturbed when she did not remember who I was. She said she didn’t feel well and hung up on me; it sounded like I had woken her up.

After that, I decided to call Cheryl’s brother. He didn’t answer, and I left a message. As I hung up the phone, I was sad.

The loss of my close friend was something I was alone with.

There was another reason that my grief for her had surfaced.

A few weeks before, I saw on Facebook that Cheryl’s daughter had gotten married. I felt both joy and sorrow, because I remembered how excited Cheryl was over my wedding, she loved being involved with all the planning – and even cared more about it than I did!

I just knew Cheryl was terribly missed at her eldest daughter’s wedding. I was glad her children were moving forward in their lives. I was happy for her husband who had remarried.

When I worked with George on the new arrangement, my eyes were bothering me. I tried not to focus on it and allowed my music to heal me.

So it was on the night of Cheryl’s five-year death anniversary, that I began to sing vocals for my new arrangement. It definitely helped me feel better.

Singing “Only Tears” soothed my sadness because I could hear Cheryl softly whispering in my ear. I imagined that somewhere in a distant sky she was hearing my voice.

My grief was not lonely anymore. I was filled with love for her.

My original song sheet from 1980.

Once again, I share my passion as a singer/songwriter with two recording clips from my voice lessons with Kimberly Haynes. When I am sharing music, I am filled with laughter and joy. Kimberly is completely inspiring for me. Clicking the blue links plays audio:

LESSON KIMBERLY A – 2/3/13 BLOG EXCERPT

LESSON KIMBERLY B – 2/3/13 BLOG EXCERPT

I had almost finished writing my post about my song. It was hard for me to believe that five years had flown by since Cheryl’s death.

My phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was Cheryl’s brother. I eagerly answered the phone – there was a lot of catching up for us to do.

When our phone call ended, I had to catch my breath.

It turned out that only a few days before I had called Cheryl’s mother, she had received a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

LINKS TO STORIES ABOUT CHERYL:

#57 AN ATTACHMENT FOREVER

#58 I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER YOU

#59 THE PLACE INSIDE MY HEART

#60 I CAN FEEL LOVE AGAIN

#62 ONLY TEARS – PART 1

#268 ANOTHER YOU – PART 2

#290 ANOTHER YOU – PART 3

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cherylkessler

Feb 1, 2013

Dearest Cheryl,  I know you cannot read this, but on this five-year anniversary of your death I feel the need to write to you.  You are still alive in my heart. I think about you often and feel your presence. I hear your voice and your laughter. Sometimes, it’s so easy for me to picture us together. A smile spreads upon my face as I recall some of the most wonderful memories of my life.  A few weeks ago, I saw on Facebook that your oldest daughter got married. A pang stabbed my heart. I was so sad that you weren’t there. I know that your absence was certainly felt, how I wish things were different. But life and death are mysterious and there are many things I do not understand.  I remember how we used to dream about what the future held for us, as we wondered where our lives would go. Cheryl, I’m grateful for our memories. My tears are sweet and filled with love.

© 2013 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tags: breast cancer loss, Cheryl Kessler, childhood friendship, college memories, composing, creativity, death, death from breast cancer, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, loss of a close friend, loss of a friend, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, marriage and friendship, Music, oh my friend, Only Tears, original songs, playing my guitar, singing, songwriting, voice lessons
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MY JOURNEY'S INSIGHT

YOU WERE THERE – PART 3

MY DREAM STILL GLOWS

FINDING MY VOICE – PART 2

I AM THE SANDWICH – PART 2

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