My post title is a line of lyrics from my song named “Laughter and Tears.” I am finalizing a new arrangement for it, which will include some significant lyric changes from my first version. My song is very poignant and fitting for this time in my life.
Below I share the arrangement in progress. There are musical interludes in it that easily touch my heart and make me cry. I plan to record my guitar and vocal for it soon.
Click the blue link to hear my arrangement in progress:
It was warm in my car; I could feel sweat beading up on my forehead. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
My lawyer had left me a message to call her. I already knew what she was going to tell me. Since December, it was just a matter of paperwork that would simply state I was officially divorced. I knew she wanted to tell me personally.
My lawyer was a lovely woman who had a divorce story of her own. She shared it with me at our first appointment and I knew then that she was the lawyer for me. She became a lawyer in her 40’s after going through a divorce from a husband who didn’t believe in her career change.
I was going to actually miss her. Not her fees, but her support. I always felt secure with her, even when I didn’t follow her advice.
Sometimes I grinned when I imagined her listening to my music while she was driving to some big court case. Over a year ago, I had mailed her a CD because she seemed interesting in hearing my music. But then I thought about it. Would I be charged for her time to listen? I was embarrassed by the thought, but then decided to just send her a message to be sure. I wrote:
I’m smiling as I write this – I mailed you a CD today. But I want to be sure you’re not going to charge me to listen. I realize time is precious, so you have no obligation to me whatsoever to listen! Thanks!
Her reply was:
Judy, I only charge you for legal work…not for my enjoyment. Looking forward to listening.
I was relieved. Then a few days later she sent me another message. She had received the CD and I was in heaven because she wrote:
Listening to your music soothes me. Thank you so much.
Her secretary put my call through. Immediately I knew I was right when I heard my lawyer’s chipper voice. She said, “Congratulations – you are now a free woman! I’m mailing you the final judgment today.”
After I hung up, I sat there and wondered what I was supposed to feel. I felt so numb. Celebrating didn’t really feel appropriate, even though this day was a long time coming.
I thought about the fact that the person I had shared over half my life with was also experiencing finality on this day. Vestiges of painful memories swirled around me. The end of my marriage was definitely a grief process and it was complicated.
Every moment of my new life, I celebrated my freedom. But unfortunately, I was still haunted by habits of thought that I had a lot of trouble overcoming.
I was very close with my three children. Many emotions surfaced on a constant basis. I was forced to contain my emotions because whenever I shared them with my children, it left me filled with regret and remorse.
The heat began to get to me and I needed to get out of my car to shop for groceries. But I felt like I had to share my news. I sent out a text message that read:
I received a call from my lawyer. My divorce is final. It’s a big moment.
The replies began to pour in. My favorite response was:
Not a pang of guilt, I hope. Happy for your freedom from the dragon.
THE PRINCESS AND THE ASHES
The Princess had no regrets. As difficult as it had been to leave the Dragon, there was not a single moment where she missed him.
Sometimes, it was unreal for her to remember her “former life.” She had spent so many years with him and now it was as if he never existed.
Most of time, she tried not to think about him. She had hated their life together and did not want to feel guilty for hurting him. She did not want to imagine how much hatred he felt toward her for leaving him.
The dagger of guilt would often stab her when she wasn’t aware of it. It was understandable because she had spent so many years trying to please him.
Despite not thinking about him, there was so much she could still remember . . .
Some memories of her former life were difficult to push aside. There were many food items she could not look at in the market because it reminded her of the dragon. She did not miss preparing his food.
And she couldn’t really dismiss him because of their “little Dragons.” She was involved in their lives in countless ways. They weren’t little, and sometimes she was overwhelmed by how much they all depended on her.
From the beginning, the Princess accepted that all of the years with Dragon were not wasted. Their offspring might remind her of the Dragon, but they were sweet blossoming buds that filled her life with fragrance and joy.
When the Princess first left the Dragon, she was determined and filled with strength. Every step she took was a celebration of getting farther and farther away from him.
But his fire still burned in her mind and her little Dragons also breathed fire.
The Princess woke up one morning and could hardly open her eyes. Wherever she looked there was smoke and ashes raining down from the sky.
Despite many medicines and potions, she found little relief. Her affliction was confusing and disturbing.
Her eyes were foggy and aching. Sometimes, she wanted to cry so badly to moisten them but could not find a single tear. Other times, tears poured from her eyes without any feelings behind them at all.
Once upon a time, the Princess was so excited about her amazing journey.
But when the ashes began to rain down on her, it became hard for to move forward because she could not see ahead. The constant cloud of gray clouded her eyes, mind and spirit.
Although she still felt inspired and valuable, now she was weak and vulnerable. It was hard for the Princess to imagine how she had been so strong once. She was always so proud of the courage and strength it took for her to leave the Dragon.
Because of her pain, she preferred seclusion. In the dim light of her castle, Princess spent most of her time polishing the enormous collection of song jewels she had amassed. The sparkling jewels always comforted her.
There was one day where her eyes felt so painful; she could not do anything but crawl into bed. She was very discouraged and angry.
The Princess prayed for healing.
It was then when she had a realization and profound insight.
She had to let go of the Dragon.
The Dragon represented hatred, disappointment, anger and unfairness.
Those were all feelings she was an expert at suppressing.
From the time she was a child, she never felt safe to express her true feelings. They simply simmered within her.
Letting go of the Dragon would allow love to return . . .
Love would heal her.
She knew she had gems of value far beyond her song jewels.
She was a Princess and her “little Dragons” were also royalty. They were priceless and more valuable than any jewels on earth.
© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.