myjourneysinsight

I’VE BEEN THERE, TOO

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Judy

Sometimes it is very strange to be with my tennis friends when we’re not wearing our tennis clothes.

There were many distractions for me this past week. Some were wonderful, as I had beautiful moments catching up with my friends because of my birthday. I played tennis on the actual day and a group of my friends treated me to a wonderful lunch afterwards. The day after that, I went to lunch with my parents and celebrated with them. I received a necklace and two cards from my mother’s caregiver, Miriam. I treasured Miriam’s cards: She wrote one to me and then gave me a card dictated by my mother. I was so touched by her gesture.

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Miriam’s birthday card to me.

My mother dictated these words to Miriam. My mother signed it with “Judy, Judy” on the bottom right.

Some distractions this week were quite painful. While I was recording a guitar track for my upcoming song, I received a call from my mother’s nursing facility telling me my mom had fallen out of her wheelchair while in the dining room. Her fall resulted from agitation and I was told she tried to bite the nurses and even Miriam who arrived after it had happened. It turned out my mom had lung congestion, fever, and a urinary tract infection. Later that day I visited her and she seemed comfortable; so I was relieved she hadn’t hurt herself when she fell, even though her confusion was extreme.

My father had his microwave/prostate procedure. He was relieved and weak when it was over. The results will not be known for at least two weeks when he returns to see his urologist.

Although I take breaks for tennis and exercise, open mic performances, social outings and seeing my parents, – I am always driven to get back to working on my book at every opportunity. I am recording my book at my friend, Larry’s, recording studio and am fortunate that he lives only five minutes from me.

For every story, I carefully prepare ahead of time; practice always helps. Once I come home with my finished recording on a disk, I must edit it as an audio file and that takes considerable time.

Speaking my audio stories is very much like singing. I must concentrate on my words and their meaning because if I begin to simply read them, then I sound like a reader. Instead, I try to feel my words. If they make me smile or cry; I allow it.

But then . . . there is always my guitar to distract me. It beckons me to play and to sing whenever I start to feel sad or overwhelmed. I keep my guitar in my upstairs bathroom. Sometimes it is very late at night when I finish my editing; I brush my teeth and a moment later I am playing my guitar and singing softly with my eyes half closed before I go to sleep.

My newest song has filled up the space in my heart completely. I made an appointment with George, who has arranged all of my songs. When I entered George’s guesthouse to work on my song, I was filled with passion and excitement. I wish I were a better singer, because it was challenging for me to stay on pitch due to the intense emotions of my song. As I sang, I thought of the many messages I read on a grief forum, which I am a part of. I really feel so much pain inside when I read those messages. The pain of grief is never forgotten.

I was shopping at Costco later in my day after recording my song with George. I listened to my newest song recording over and over. Tears filled my eyes, and spilled down my cheeks as I shopped. I wiped them off with my shirt as I stepped into the checkout line.

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I had been working long hours on my audio book and decided it was time for me to take a break. The dusk had already faded into night as I drove to an open mic night. I planned to perform my newest song and sang loudly in my car with complete abandon; I could not contain my joy.

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As I entered, I felt welcomed; several people warmly told me that they looked forward to hearing me play. After an hour, my name was announced and it was my turn to sing. I stood at the microphone and introduced my newest song with some unscripted and heartfelt words. I had brought an instrumental karaoke track with me and planned to play and sing along with it. With the first notes of my song, my heart began to melt and the outside corners of my eyes became wet with tears.

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I sang passionately and felt both music and love lifting me up. I was soaring and sailing and Jason was beside me, I was certain of that. The room danced along with me and as I sang the last words of “Hang on,” I wanted to hang onto the feeling; I was euphoric.

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My song ended with an unresolved chord and I allowed my voice to hold onto the very last note, I wished I could continue singing. With my eyes closed, I still heard my chorus echoing. Although I was in a small room with perhaps only twenty people, suddenly I was transported to a large stage.

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My vision was one of thousands of people, as far as my eyes could see; they were all clapping and singing the words “hang on” from my chorus in beautiful harmony.

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, Daily Life, death, death of a child, dementia, Friendship, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting | Leave a comment

I HOPED I COULD REACH

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Judy

I photographed this spider web that was near the tennis court where I was playing last week. To me, nature is amazing and magical. I pay attention to everything around me.

My post title is a lyric line from my song “Crystal Oceans.” It has two meanings for me. One is that I am reaching for my dreams – so many of them have already come true. The other, is that I hope I will reach many people and comfort them with my stories and music.

There are “No Words” to describe how happy I am.

I lead a musical life, and I often hear myself speaking lyric lines from the songs that I sing. I could write a post simply using all of my lyrics!

As I experience another birthday this week, I celebrate how much I love my life at the age of 52. My life began to change when I turned 50. It started with great adversity, due to my mother’s illness. But with adversity came my powerful rebirth and as a result my life completely changed.

Last week, I had an hour-long opportunity to share my music and stories for a workshop at my temple. I only had a small group of people and that was perfectly fine with me. I prefer a more intimate setting and I was inspired about those I touched. My good friend, Susan, attended with her husband and I received a very special card once again from her. I am sharing it at the end of this post.

My audio book is well under way, and I have been improving all of my stories before recording them for my book. Sometimes, those revisions are slight and sometimes they are huge.

I would love to share one revision that was truly amazing for me.

I did not like the ending for my story “Illustrating My Life Lessons Through Art.” It felt hollow. I felt dishonest including the word passion at the end of my story. I was not a passionate artist. I decided to ask my editor and friends what they thought about it.

My message to my friends:

I would love some feedback about this ending for my story. It just doesn’t feel honest having the word passion there. I was never a passionate artist, unlike my music and writing where I am very passionate. Without that word, though – my ending is bland. What makes a person dedicated or committed, even without passion?

I never dreamed that I would pursue art as a career. Seeing how much I improved was very gratifying. I went from being an artist who disliked drawing, to an artist who loved painting. I had tremendous satisfaction when I completed assignments that pleased my clients. As an artist, my greatest lesson was that with dedication and commitment my dreams became reality.

The best message I could have possibly received came from my former college art teacher, Nancy. She wrote:

On Oct 8, 2011, Nancy wrote:

Hi Judy,

I read your statement and noticed something. You state, ”I had tremendous satisfaction when I completed assignments that pleased my clients. As an artist, my greatest lesson was that with dedication and commitment, my dreams became reality.”

I can’t help but wonder if your question, “What makes a person dedicated or committed?” is answered in that quoted line. You state that you “completed assignments that pleased (your) clients.” You were satisfied that you pleased your clients, but what about yourself? You were doing your art for them and not for yourself. It was THEIR dreams that were becoming a reality, not yours.

Now that you no longer have clients to please there is only yourself. It makes sense that you may not have felt the same about being an artist as you feel toward your music. Perhaps you reached a point of enlightenment. You became aware that you weren’t really doing your art for yourself. How could anyone feel passionate about always pleasing someone else?

It’s miraculous to finally recognize that what we thought was our passion was just an unconscious pattern we kept pursuing until we woke up and smelled the roses!

Just a thought….

XXX

On Oct. 8, 2011, Judy wrote:

Dearest Nancy,

I always hope when I share that I would get such an amazing and thoughtful message back! You are so insightful!

Passion might just be about pursuing something for our own pleasure (not financially, though). Still, I seldom wanted to do art for myself.

Now how does this sound as the revised ending to my story?

But I am far more passionate about my writing and music than I ever was about my artwork. Perhaps the difference is that I am not seeking to satisfy anyone other than myself. I might never have imagined I’d be a successful artist, but in contrast, I feel very positive that with my music and writing I will touch and heal many people. But most importantly, I have certainly healed myself.

On Oct 8, 2011, Nancy wrote:

I returned home from dinner just a few minutes ago to happily discover your newest emails. There’s a smile on my face, partly because I am glad my comments didn’t offend you and partly because I love your newest statement. You’re not only a wonderful musician, Judy; you’re also a great writer. The “healing” references are rich with purpose. Your choices of words contain so much more meaning in your final statement.

Love you Jude,

Nano

XXX

Dearest Nancy,

Ahhh . . . the benefits of sharing amaze me once again. My story ending improved a thousand fold because of your insightful input! Being open is the crux of everything. It’s so important to be open because then wonderful things happen!

Love, Jude

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Recently I had lunch with both my parents – my father asked me if I wanted to wear a bib like them. NO THANK YOU! They do look happy, though.

Update on my parents:

Only a week ago, my mother could have become seriously ill after being given an overdose of blood pressure medication. Before the error was discovered, I was told my mother needed observation for her palpitations and dizziness.

Thankfully, the error was discovered after two days. I am very used to phone calls alerting me to changes in her condition, but what upset me the most was that I was never alerted to the fact that her medication was increased due to her blood pressure being erratic! I remain hopeful that the problem will be corrected and not happen in the future.

Remaining hopeful is a big change from a year ago when I might have posted a nasty memo to her facility on my blog.

Another change in my mother’s life is that she does not grasp the purpose for her hearing aids anymore. I recently refurbished one of them for $250; they cost about $4,000.

I clearly remember how upset my mother would be whenever she didn’t have her hearing aids. My father did not want her to have them when she was in the hospital, because his mother lost hers there; they are quite expensive and difficult to replace.

About a month ago, my mother started taking them off – one time they were found in a trashcan. Her social worker suggested putting a string on them, which I thought was an excellent idea. The other day, she dropped her hearing aides into juice. They are now destroyed.

Without being able to hear well, my mom is retreating further into her dementia.

However, despite her dementia, she still recognizes and expresses her love to me. Just that alone, is enough for me to appreciate how fortunate I am. I treasure her love for me every minute of my day.

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Marge's gifts

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“Celebrating my birthday with a good friend”

I have started off celebrating my upcoming birthday by having dinner last night with my good friend, Marge. In addition to our wonderful dinner, we saw a movie that really moved me called “Sarah’s Key.” Afterwards, Marge gave me her unique assortment of wrapped goodies that she always goes out of her way to gather for every one of my birthdays.

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I was extremely touched when Marge told me that she had attended a lecture given by the group who recorded the song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” That song was played at Jason’s funeral because he loved that song so much.

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Marge told me that at the end of the lecture, she raised her hand and shared my story about Jason loving that song. She said the room was hushed when she reached the part about the song being on Jason’s gravestone.

One of Marge’s gifts to me was an autographed CD.

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An excerpt from Susan’s card:

Dear Judy,

Every time I see you perform; I am blown away by your talent. I was so glad to be at the temple for your songwriting workshop. The passion that you feel for your beautiful songs is so apparent by all who listen to you. All of the women in the room were sobbing after hearing you talk and sing. You told your story so effectively and eloquently. You are a wonderful public speaker who easily relates to her audience in a friendly and comforting way. You are never bitter or complain about what fate dealt you. You tell your story honestly and factually without bitterness.

The melodies you create in all your songs are so beautiful, yet haunting as they were written because of a terrible tragic occurrence. You sing with such feeling! I noticed that your eyes are usually closed and that you are in “another world” that no one can really enter. What an amazing artist you are in every sense of the word!

I hope you enjoy your birthday and are able to celebrate the day in a special way that brings you pleasure. You deserve it! I very much appreciate our enduring friendship the past 19 years.

Love, Susan

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, Art and Illustration, Caregiving, composing, creativity, dementia, Friendship, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, inspiration, loss, lovesong, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, Ordinary Life, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting | Leave a comment

LOVE WILL LIFT YOU UP

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Judy

Jason Unger – frozen in time at the age of five.

On Oct 5, 2011, Marie wrote:

I am so sad today; I just can’t stop crying. My son, Gary, has been gone just a little over a year and I hurt as much today as I did the day he passed away. Will the pain ever go away?? I have lived the night he died over and over in my mind a thousand times. Everything I do and everywhere I go there is something to remind me of him. Sometimes I think I am losing my mind…Some days I feel like I may be getting better; then a word, song, smell or just anything will just set me off. I can’t listen to music without crying. I haven’t been back to church since he has been gone. I know I would end up a blubbering mess and have to leave. I still go to the cemetery at least once a week. I had a bench put out there and I go out there and just sob my heart out. I hope I don’t have to live like this the rest of my life.

On Oct 5, 2011, Judy wrote:

Dear Marie,

It took me a long time to feel better; I don’t want to minimize the pain because grief is horrible!!! Please allow for your tears – tears are very healing. You will not live this way for the rest of your life, but right now your grief is very fresh. I want to give you some hope. My pain has eased and I am truly happy now. In fact, I am on top of the world because I wrote a new song. It speaks exactly to the pain of grief and healing. I think I will call it “Love Will Always Stay.”

I will be recording and arranging my song soon. It will be the cornerstone for my soon to be completed audio book about healing from grief with my music. Tomorrow it will be 19 years since my son, Jason, died at the age of five. I remember how on so many of his death anniversaries I cried all day long, but thankfully that is now in the past.

So glad I could share. You will feel better someday, Marie – trust me. I promise. Gary loves you and wants you to feel better. I love my son still and I feel his love for me.

Love, Judy

PEACHES LESSON EXCERPT #1 10/4/11

PEACHES LESSON EXCERPT #2 10/4/11

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Seeing this hand print reminds me that my son actually existed.

A plaque from Jason’s preschool. When it closed down years later, I was given all his memorial items.

Tagged acoustic guitar, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, death, death of a child, grief, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, original songs, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons | Leave a comment

I FEEL YOUR PAIN

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Judy

There is never an end to mail that comes for the deceased at my home. Receiving this gave me a pang, for sure.

VOICE LESSON EXCERPT WITH PEACHES CHRENKO ON 9/27/11

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“Let love shine a light”

My existence continues to be blessed. I am elevated and inspired because I have written two amazing songs within the last month. I never expected that I would be composing new songs so easily. A year ago at this time, I was still “purging” all of my older songs from my psyche.

Because I am so passionate and excited, I want to share right here a recording that truly reveals the birth of my song. I wrote my song in only four days, and that is a record for me. I’m certain I will fine-tune the lyrics a bit, but at this moment I am on a cloud.

From the beginning, I knew exactly what I wanted my song to be about. The timing couldn’t be better for me. My song is meant to help others who are grieving.

However, at the same time as I hope to help others, I am certainly healing myself.

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“Love is never gone”

My mother has continued her downward spiral into dementia.

I was sad when I visited my mom one night at dinnertime. Her afternoon/evening caregiver was off that night. Plates of food must be moved out of her reach, because otherwise she fingers everything and dumps the plate onto her lap or the floor. When I arrived, I saw my mom sitting alone in the dining room of her nursing facility. Her dinner dish was ice cold at the opposite end of the table. A nurse smiled at me; she knew I would feed my mother since she was busy feeding other residents. As I spoon-fed my mother, I thought about how my father was upstairs eating alone at another table. It was always a pull for me, trying to visit both of them separately.

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I like this picture with my mother in the background. She was always there.

A few days after this, I spoke to my father. I told him how meaningful it would be if he would allow me to arrange for him to eat with my mother. He said, “Are you kidding? How do you think that will happen?” My father told me that it was a big deal to have someone push his wheelchair down from the floor above. He was adamant in his refusal; I also knew he had no patience for my mother’s dementia. Although his room was in the same building as my mother’s at their nursing facility, he seldom saw her.

I called my father last night and almost fell to the floor when he told me that he was eating dinner at that very moment with my mother; he told me he had changed his mind and arranged so that he could eat with my mother every night now. I couldn’t believe it. I am thrilled how being honest and speaking my mind has had such great dividends; my father actually listened to me!

When I was at my oldest brother’s home for dinner last night, I shared this news with him and we were both crying.

This morning my mother’s caregiver, Miriam, told me what she hoped she didn’t have to share. My mother’s condition was worsening. She had not recognized Miriam and became aggressive by grabbing Miriam’s arm. A nurse saw what happened and told Miriam that it needed to be reported.

I hung up the phone. I would be visiting both my parents soon. Music swirled through me and I felt grateful for my inner peace.

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My oldest brother Norm is with me here.

I love my life.

I have chosen to pursue my passions and I have so many of them. Of course, my highest priority this past week was working on my audio book. I edited ten audio stories that I had recorded at Larry’s studio before he went out of town for two weeks.

I met with my editor and she handed me a stack of revisions for another fifteen of my stories. Her markings were even more honest and clear; I told her how much I appreciated such direct feedback. I smiled as I read her red markings. She wrote things to me such as, “Will anybody understand this or care?”

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Will anybody care?

Although it was a distraction for me, I had some wonderful email discussions this past week. It all started with an idea from one of my friends about how I could be an excellent art/music therapist; that it would be a worthy enterprise for me to go back to school.

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What I found most interesting was how clearly I could articulate that there was nothing else I wanted to do. Despite not having any income at the moment, I have such certainty that god gave me gifts to express myself in a way where I am going to heal and touch many people. A professional degree might make me more qualified for another profession, but with my current pursuits – I have all the qualifications I need.

I view my songs as gifts and accept that I must “birth them” when they come to me – even when sometimes it has been extremely inconvenient. Despite having so many ideas of things to work on this past week, when I picked up my guitar I felt the emotional pain of Jason’s impending death day. That led to the discovery of a new song.

My new song began with what has become a familiar pattern: first with beautiful chords and then a lovely verse melody. Within a few days, I had composed the chorus melody, as well. The lyrics were easily written. As I discovered my song, its volume in my mind increased and soon I could hear the chorus filling my heart and soul. I was completely overwhelmed with joy and amazement.

Because I viewed my song as a gift to me, I wanted to share my new song as a gift to others. My song was about how hard it can be to survive the pain of grief. It was about “hanging on.” It was love that kept me going and I was able to articulate that with my song.

As I sang it, I felt healed of every pain in my life. Tears filled my eyes because Jason had returned once again. I could feel his love as I sang my new lyrics.

I knew he was beside me.

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