There is never an end to mail that comes for the deceased at my home. Receiving this gave me a pang, for sure.

VOICE LESSON EXCERPT WITH PEACHES CHRENKO ON 9/27/11

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“Let love shine a light”

My existence continues to be blessed. I am elevated and inspired because I have written two amazing songs within the last month. I never expected that I would be composing new songs so easily. A year ago at this time, I was still “purging” all of my older songs from my psyche.

Because I am so passionate and excited, I want to share right here a recording that truly reveals the birth of my song. I wrote my song in only four days, and that is a record for me. I’m certain I will fine-tune the lyrics a bit, but at this moment I am on a cloud.

From the beginning, I knew exactly what I wanted my song to be about. The timing couldn’t be better for me. My song is meant to help others who are grieving.

However, at the same time as I hope to help others, I am certainly healing myself.

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“Love is never gone”

My mother has continued her downward spiral into dementia.

I was sad when I visited my mom one night at dinnertime. Her afternoon/evening caregiver was off that night. Plates of food must be moved out of her reach, because otherwise she fingers everything and dumps the plate onto her lap or the floor. When I arrived, I saw my mom sitting alone in the dining room of her nursing facility. Her dinner dish was ice cold at the opposite end of the table. A nurse smiled at me; she knew I would feed my mother since she was busy feeding other residents. As I spoon-fed my mother, I thought about how my father was upstairs eating alone at another table. It was always a pull for me, trying to visit both of them separately.

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I like this picture with my mother in the background. She was always there.

A few days after this, I spoke to my father. I told him how meaningful it would be if he would allow me to arrange for him to eat with my mother. He said, “Are you kidding? How do you think that will happen?” My father told me that it was a big deal to have someone push his wheelchair down from the floor above. He was adamant in his refusal; I also knew he had no patience for my mother’s dementia. Although his room was in the same building as my mother’s at their nursing facility, he seldom saw her.

I called my father last night and almost fell to the floor when he told me that he was eating dinner at that very moment with my mother; he told me he had changed his mind and arranged so that he could eat with my mother every night now. I couldn’t believe it. I am thrilled how being honest and speaking my mind has had such great dividends; my father actually listened to me!

When I was at my oldest brother’s home for dinner last night, I shared this news with him and we were both crying.

This morning my mother’s caregiver, Miriam, told me what she hoped she didn’t have to share. My mother’s condition was worsening. She had not recognized Miriam and became aggressive by grabbing Miriam’s arm. A nurse saw what happened and told Miriam that it needed to be reported.

I hung up the phone. I would be visiting both my parents soon. Music swirled through me and I felt grateful for my inner peace.

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My oldest brother Norm is with me here.

I love my life.

I have chosen to pursue my passions and I have so many of them. Of course, my highest priority this past week was working on my audio book. I edited ten audio stories that I had recorded at Larry’s studio before he went out of town for two weeks.

I met with my editor and she handed me a stack of revisions for another fifteen of my stories. Her markings were even more honest and clear; I told her how much I appreciated such direct feedback. I smiled as I read her red markings. She wrote things to me such as, “Will anybody understand this or care?”

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Although it was a distraction for me, I had some wonderful email discussions this past week. It all started with an idea from one of my friends about how I could be an excellent art/music therapist; that it would be a worthy enterprise for me to go back to school. 

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What I found most interesting was how clearly I could articulate that there was nothing else I wanted to do. Despite not having any income at the moment, I have such certainty that god gave me gifts to express myself in a way where I am going to heal and touch many people. A professional degree might make me more qualified for another profession, but with my current pursuits – I have all the qualifications I need.

I view my songs as gifts and accept that I must “birth them” when they come to me – even when sometimes it has been extremely inconvenient. Despite having so many ideas of things to work on this past week, when I picked up my guitar I felt the emotional pain of Jason’s impending death day. That led to the discovery of a new song.

My new song began with what has become a familiar pattern: first with beautiful chords and then a lovely verse melody. Within a few days, I had composed the chorus melody, as well. The lyrics were easily written. As I discovered my song, its volume in my mind increased and soon I could hear the chorus filling my heart and soul. I was completely overwhelmed with joy and amazement.

Because I viewed my song as a gift to me, I wanted to share my new song as a gift to others. My song was about how hard it can be to survive the pain of grief. It was about “hanging on.” It was love that kept me going and I was able to articulate that with my song.

As I sang it, I felt healed of every pain in my life. Tears filled my eyes because Jason had returned once again. I could feel his love as I sang my new lyrics.

I knew he was beside me.

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