myjourneysinsight

THE GIFT THAT I WAS GIVEN

Posted on December 2, 2011 by Judy

Last week, I painted this flower to be used on a vitamin label for Walgreen’s.

It was when I became a writer, that I achieved clarity in my life. Expressing my feelings has completely changed my thought process. For decades, I faced constant challenges and considered it “weak” to express my feelings; I felt like it was a luxury to do that. I still have challenges, but have chosen to see that sharing my feelings allows me to feel more connected to life.

The dedication I’ve put into my audio book has been very focused, as well as rewarding. The process is enjoyable, but extremely demanding. I have neglected many things I used to be able to balance, such as shopping, bill paying, and exercise. On top of household duties, my hours of commitment to my book have left me with little time to write for my blog. I miss that. I am gentle with myself, because I know that this is a temporary situation. Like a horse charging toward the stable, I see my destination growing closer.

I am still first and foremost a songwriter.

I might be very focused upon my book, but when I give birth to a song – I am stopped in my tracks. The whole process fills me with amazement. I cannot control it. The music that has healed me continues to play in my life. My innermost feelings surfaced again this past week as a new melody began to play and the lyrics unfolded.

My new inspirational song expresses how grateful I am that I turned my life around.

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I am thinking to name my song, “I Turned My Life Around” and I am sharing a freestyle acoustic recording here. Clicking on the link below plays the music:

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I TURNED MY LIFE AROUND – Acoustic Version by Judy 12-4-11

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It was when I followed my heart and let go of fear.

It has taken a lot of courage for me to allow myself to pursue the things that I am passionate about. I have discovered that holding onto fear was paralyzing. It has not been easy to forgo an income for years, but it was not my choice to let go of being an illustrator. My lack of income has affected my husband, and it has been difficult for me to hold onto my self-esteem after being successful at my career for many years.

I let go of fear when I became confident of my own value. I am not torturing myself to find another career. I love what I am doing and am certain in the long run it will pay off for me in ways I cannot even imagine at this moment.

But money will never define my self-worth. I have already touched many people with my art, music, and writing and I feel very valuable whether I have an income or not.

I appreciate my life and the many other gifts that I was given. I am so grateful I have healed. This past Thanksgiving was an excellent time for me to access that appreciation.

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I love this picture taken a week ago when my mother had good day. It is a result of my willingness to have her put on a new medication, Seroquel. She has gained five pounds and is slightly calmer.

On Sunday of this past holiday weekend, there was an occasion at my nephew’s home and it was a rare occurrence for me to gather with both my brothers and all of my own family.

It was up to me about whether both my parents would attend. I debated a lot about whether my mother could handle the outing with her dementia. I found myself feeling stressed, and certainly not looking forward to dealing with the whole situation. I usually relied upon her caregiver to help me, and she wasn’t able to be there that day.

But, I turned it all around. It occurred to me that this might be the very last time such an occasion would happen with both my parents being there surrounded by all three of their children and many grandchildren. This was something to treasure, rather than dread.

It wasn’t an easy day.

I arrived and my mother was already agitated and uncomfortable in her wheelchair. Soon, my father was moaning alongside her. I made a plate of food for my mother and gently fed her. I was hardly aware of what I was eating myself, and that has been an ongoing issue for me. Food is definitely a way I comfort myself, and unfortunately very familiar.

It was only a short time after I arrived, less than half an hour, when my mother announced it was time for her to go. I surveyed the situation. I had planned to take my father home and he was not ready to go. The nursing facility was twenty minutes away. I could have asked one of my brothers, but decided I could take her back myself.

My mother cried getting into my car because she was exhausted and did not want to get out of her wheelchair. As I drove, she babbled incoherently and most of what she said was not kind. I tried to block it out. After a few minutes she fell asleep, and as I drove I soothed myself by singing aloud.

When I arrived at her facility, I debated as to whether I could take her out of my car by myself. Should I call the nurse’s station and have them send someone to help me? I ended up feeling quite proud as I managed to get her into her wheelchair all on my own. She cooperated and that helped.

Almost an hour later, I was back at the family gathering. There wasn’t a chair for me at the table. I stood in the kitchen and could hear my new song’s melody playing in my mind. I certainly ate too much at that moment while I was standing up. I tried to be gentle with the understanding of why I had done that.

Soon it was time to drive my father back. I had agreed ahead of time that I would do it. My father treasured time with me, and that awareness gave me a different outlook. He moaned as I drove; then he began to cry and said, “I feel so sorry for you!”

I said, “Dad, please don’t take away from this beautiful day by worrying about me unnecessarily! I am not sad; I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life. There is nothing for you to feel sorry about. I want you to enjoy your time with me – please!”

My father wiped away his tears.

After I dropped him off, I went home and was eager to pick up my guitar and work on my new song.

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I am quite human, and wrestle with controlling my thoughts. In order to stay positive, I wrote to a friend because I knew that expressing my honest emotions that way would help me. I share those feelings here with complete honesty:

Hi Janet,

I am totally wiped right now – TOTALLY.

I can’t even write; it is so overwhelming. I just had a family gathering. I spent hours driving both my parents (separate trips) back and forth to the event. Ate like a pig and there wasn’t even a chair for me when I came back after driving my mom. After that, I took my dad back.

Thankfully, I am done for today. Trust me, I am working really hard on the appreciation stuff!

Love, Judy

On Nov 27, 2011, at 4:37 PM, Janet wrote:

Go lie down. No computer. Just music and feet up. You deserve a medal.

Thanks so much for your support, Janet. My dad started crying when I dropped him off. I had to smile and convince him that I had a wonderful time. He felt so badly for me. I just wish I didn’t feel so heavy right now. How can I ever lose weight when I am carrying so much on my shoulders?

Wrong question. Not helpful. Better one would be: I wonder why I’m still able to sing.

I appreciate your love. I will go sing in a moment.

Love, Judy

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I performed my new song last night. Talk about courage – I had only finished writing my song that morning!

Below I am sharing the birth of my song – In a few weeks I will have it arranged. I’m still writing more lyrics and adjusting the melody. However, the exciting process unfolds below with a track of just the melody and guitar (A Beautiful Song) and two of my voice lessons discussing the song with Peaches.

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PEACHES LESSON Excerpt Turn Your Life Around – 11/22/11

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PEACHES LESSON Excerpt Turn Your Life Around – 11/29/11

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A Beautiful Song-11/25/11 (song in progress)

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© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Aging Parents, appreciation, blessed, Caregiving, change your life, child's death, clarity, Clear, composing, courage, creativity, dementia, Friendship, grateful, gratefulness, guitar, inspiration, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother, mother daughter relationship, mother's illness, Music, original songs, overcoming fear, performing, singing, songwriting, voice lessons, writer, writing | Leave a comment

BESIDE ME ALWAYS – PART 4

Posted on November 18, 2011 by Judy

My day was busy and filled with art, writing and music. Life was wonderful and at the end of the day I had an appointment at the recording studio where I planned to record a story for my audio book.

I spent most of my day preparing myself to record the most painful story – the one about Jason and his death. Although I had done a moving recording a month earlier, I knew I could do much better now that my speaking voice had improved.

Reading my own words for Jason’s story was always emotional for me. This time I allowed myself to express all of those emotions. As I read my own words, I recalled every moment vividly. I was transported back in time and soon my throat muscles began to contract and I was shaking.

I took many deep breaths and repeated sentences when I could barely choke out the words.

When I was finished, I knew that I was not truly done. I still needed to listen to my own recording and edit it.

The next morning, I did that. My eyes were watering throughout my day and I felt drained. But I knew that what I had done was special. There was probably no human that could listen to my spoken words without being moved.

Clicking the blue links below will play my song:

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Beside Me Always Arrangement 2018

Beside Me Always Meditation Song

Beside Me Always Arrangement 2015

Story behind BESIDE ME ALWAYS-PART 1

Story behind BESIDE ME ALWAYS-PART 2

Story behind BESIDE ME ALWAYS-PART 3

“BESIDE ME ALWAYS”

LYRICS

I’ll search the shrouded darkness

Wanting you and nothing less

Seems my whole life I’ve waited

In darkness that was fated

I’ll live within my broken heart

Littered with your unfinished start

All the memories leave me haunted

You’re all I’ve ever wanted

When my tears are flowing

and I’m not sure where I’m going

I feel you love, then you’re beside me always

in the breeze that’s blowing

You surround me in a breeze that’s blowing

I know that I will still exist

longing for the soul I’ve kissed

I dream of you in a distant sky

the breeze, it comforts while I cry

I hear you tell me, “When your tears are flowing

and you’re not sure where you’re going

Just feel my love, I’m beside you always

in the breeze that’s blowing, I’ll surround you

in the breeze that’s blowing; I’ll surround you

in the breeze that’s blowing

I’m always beside you”

Posted in Grief Poetry | Tagged acoustic guitar, audio book, Beside Me Always, child's death, compassionate friends, composing, creativity, death, death of a child, drowning from grief, grief, grief and healing, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing, healing music, hope for healing, hope of healing, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, music recording, My Tears Filled An Ocean, optimism, original songs, performing, recording studio, singing, songwriting, Torture of grief | Leave a comment

DRIFTING DREAMS IN A COOL, WISPY SKY

Posted on November 17, 2011 by Judy

My first painting in over a year using a paintbrush. The herb is Turmeric.

“Investing In Myself”

From the time I began my “Journey of Insight,” my life changed. The benefits for me have been miraculous and everything that I’ve created fills me with amazement. It is difficult to describe the passion I feel for what I am doing. As I have throughout my life, I strive to do my best.

Pressure due to financial stress was looming on the horizon for me. I’ve had little income for over five years now. Thankfully, my husband accepted that refinancing our home was something that would alleviate my stress over our mounting debt.

I realize that I’ve never hesitated to invest in my children. I have a son and a daughter in college now. My youngest son attends a private school where he thrives.

I have decided that now is the time to invest in myself. I believe in what I am doing.

“The Art of Speaking”

I have written before about “the art of singing.” I became a better singer when I started to listen to my own voice. When I began to really hear myself as I sang, everything changed and my improvement was huge.

Even though I’ve known that I am a good speaker – I’ve never recorded an audio book before. This was completely new territory for me. I’m grateful that I decided to spend the money to record my book at a friend’s recording studio.

I began recording my book and assumed that a professional recording was enough to ensure that my material was of excellent quality. Certainly, my recordings sounded far superior to what I had practiced recording in my closet a month earlier.

My book is comprised of 32 stories. It was when I was recording the last ten stories that my voice changed. It really did. Suddenly, I could hear many nuances in it. I backed off when a word erupted from me that sounded like gravel. I didn’t want my voice to sound the way it did at 5:00 a.m.!

I noticed that the gravelly sound was sprinkled throughout my first recordings. I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t aware of it, but then again it was a learning experience. On my later recordings, I always repeated any sentence where the last word had that awful sound.

Just like the importance of vibe with singing, I knew that I needed to feel my words. I certainly did when I recorded Jason’s story. However, with 32 stories and a lot of words to read, I honestly did not put in the effort required on every story to “feel” all those words. I decided I could inject more emotion into my earlier recordings. The “catch” in my voice and tearful moments made a huge difference for the listener.

I anticipated that I would record my final story and celebrate that my book was close to completion. I have decided to spend the money and re-record 20 of my 32 stories. There are countless hours involved with editing as a result, but I have never looked at any part of my journey as time wasted. Every hour I have spent is filled with lessons and knowledge for me. My book is my passion and I am not racing to a finish line. Nor am I looking to make my creation so perfect that I will never finish.

I plan to finish and look forward to sharing my honest fairy tale about how my music healed me!

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“My Musical Life”

I have missed performing at Border’s, but realize the considerable time I am putting into my audio book has put performing on the back burner anyway. Sometimes I wonder how I will feel when my book is done and I put my energy back in that direction. Certainly, I spend long hours alone and don’t feel like putting myself “out there” at open mic venues like I used to.

In February, I will be performing at a venue with several hundred people in the audience. I plan to have my book done by then and that makes this opportunity even more very exciting.

My friend, Larry, who owns the studio where I am recording, will be setting up this performance with another musician he works with; we will each play that evening. I’ll be able to play for perhaps 30 minutes, and look forward to sharing details about this when I know more.

Because music fuels me, recently, I decided to once again invest in my joy by working with my arranger, George, on some of my older songs.

George and I got together and improved several of our older arrangements. I must force myself to only work on songs that will be part of my book. I do look forward to writing and improving my other songs once my first book is completed.

Although my newest song “Hang On” still fills my heart, I am starting to hear new chords in my mind. I hardly have time to play with them.

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My parents enjoyed my company for lunch two weeks ago. It makes me sad because my parents cannot converse anymore due to my mother’s dementia.

“Beyond Surviving”

I like to write about finding meaning from my life. When I mention what I’ve learned from hypnotherapy, “thoughts equal feelings,” for example, I actively practice what I’ve shared.

Despite continuing challenges with my parents’ situation, I continue to feel joyful. There is little for me to write an update about, since their condition remains about the same. I do as much as I can to alleviate their suffering, while at the same time living my life in a way that they would want me to. I do not allow myself to feel guilty about not spending more time with them. I do know that when I see them, they adore and appreciate me and I am grateful to still have them.

I was in the elevator with both of them and snapped a picture. I felt very sad at that moment as I left both of them at their facility.

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Getting into an elevator with both my parents at their facility. It was challenging for all of us to fit in there. Miriam, my mother’s caregiver, was with me.

It is always a balance of making the time and staying positive, despite seeing their pain.

Sometimes it is the smallest of things that can give me stress. Two weeks ago, I accidently scratched my beloved guitar while playing a song for my mother. The scratch was noticeable, ugly and totally unnecessary.

I looked at that big scratch on the front with my eyes watering and then I got over it.

I laugh when I think about how much pain I felt looking at it. My guitar was almost new when I pulled it out of its case in the closet a year and a half ago. I decided it would be just another battle scar to remind me how beautiful it is that my guitar is getting played so much.

“Pulling Out My Paintbrush”

I receive a lot of Internet traffic on my art blog. On top of everything I’ve done this year, sometimes I am astounded that I wrote that blog in addition to “My Journey’s Insight.” http://foodartist.wordpress.com/

I am generous with my sharing, and I realize that many people download my images. I prefer not to look at that as stealing, and have decided that those images would have been hidden away in boxes in my closet. It gives me pleasure to think that other people enjoy what I have done.

However, as a result of that traffic, I have pulled more people into my journey and have also directed more attention to my languishing art career. That was not my motive when I wrote my blog, but now search engines guide many people to my site. Currently, I am at the top of the list when anyone types in “food illustrator.”

When I landed a large project this past week, it reinforced how staying positive and joyful can lead to unexpected dividends. I have not painted with a paintbrush for over a year and last night I was painting again.

It was not easy, as my eyes strained to see the tiny pieces of frisket I was peeling back with tweezers. But within a few hours, a painting emerged and I was relieved to know that I still had the ability to illustrate. It also reminded me that it was something I have not missed doing.

I was pleased for my bountiful financial rewards this week, but if I never painted again in my life – I would be fine with that.

I often receive emails as a result of my art blog, from people wanting to buy my illustrations. I was touched by this recent message. As I sign off to go back to completing my new art project and then to working on my audio book, I want to share part of that message below:

Dear Judy,

I love your generous spirit. I am sure it takes a great amount of time to create a work. I would be embarrassed to ask you to do a work for me for what I can afford. I’m just a little startup.

I would love to work with you and pay you what you more than deserve – what I am offering is a token and as I said I am even embarrassed to mention it. I have to shake my head in almost disbelief in our world economy. You’re grateful for any income and I am grateful for any help… we’re quite the pair. Better days are ahead. If you feel inclined to turn me down I understand – truly.

Sincerely, Rhonda

P.S. I had a cold this morning and a runny nose to begin with but now that I’ve read your blog a whole roll of toilet paper is almost gone from wiping tears and blowing my nose. You express yourself beautifully. That is quite the song you wrote! I admire you for doing that and I am sorry for your loss- it truly touched my heart. I have a three-year-old grandson that I absolutely adore and I can’t imagine what my life would be without him. I almost lost my own son to bone cancer; grateful to the Lord for his miraculous survival- today he is 32 and married. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. Thank you for sharing.

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Tagged "sandwich generation", acoustic guitar, Art and Illustration, artist, audio book, Caregiving, colored pencil, composing, creativity, dementia, Friendship, GRIEF RELATED, guitar, Hang On, humor daily life, illustrating, illustrator, inspiration, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother's illness, Music, original songs, painting, performing, singing, songwriting, turmeric, writing | Leave a comment

I ESCAPE IN MY MIND

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Judy

From the time I began my blog, I have found the process of writing to be very mysterious. I do miss writing simply for fun. I look forward to a time in my life when I can do that again. I envision it as part of my future.

I remember writing about my daily experiences in such a giddy and excited fashion; I couldn’t wait to share any funny observation I came across. I also woke up to write in the middle of the night, when I felt that what I had to write couldn’t wait until morning. I often hear a voice in my mind speaking words to me. With music and song lyrics, I find the process even more amazing.

Just for fun, I am sharing a few quaint paragraphs of old song lyrics I wrote when I was 19 years old.

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I have indulged my passions now for over a year. To see the culmination of all of my efforts getting closer, has become very exciting for me. I have been spending long hours at my computer and any diversion from working on my book can cause me anxiety.

I want to share that I am enjoying my fantastic journey despite the challenges I continue to face in my life. My mother’s slide into dementia has worsened and my father’s situation of living with painful urinary tract issues continues. The procedure he had two weeks ago to eliminate the need for a urinary catheter was not successful.

Both my parents enjoy my visits and I have become especially close with my father. After a lot of cajoling, he agreed to listen to some of my audio book and music. He could not figure out how to use a CD player. I decided to give him an old IPod I had with a defective screen (I dropped it into a glass of iced tea last year). I printed out a picture with instructions on how it worked, but didn’t expect that my father would be able to figure it out.

I crack up when I picture him listening to my audio book with headphones on while eating dinner at his nursing facility. He told me he didn’t want to stop listening when his food showed up!

My father was very emotional and cried when he told me how much he enjoyed listening to that IPod. But it was when he complimented me that I melted. He cannot imagine how much it meant to me.

He said, “You are an exceptional lyric writer.”

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A picture of me with my father when I graduated high school.

After I spent countless hours working on vocal lines in Garage Band that I ended up discarding, I decided it was time for me to take a break. I needed to get outdoors. I contacted my friend, Carol, whom I have enjoyed hiking with on two other occasions over this past year. It turns out that it has been a little over one year since we reconnected after not seeing each other for over thirty years. Our wonderful outing yesterday was such a beautiful way to celebrate that one-year anniversary.

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Carol picked a lovely place for us to trek through in Monrovia. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect. We hiked almost 3.7 miles total (every miles counts!) to a waterfall and had a wonderful picnic afterwards. I took a few photos to capture the mood of our day.

I was surrounded by shimmering emerald leaves, exquisite spider webs that looked like parachutes and tree branches that cast delicate woven shadows. I especially enjoyed the feeling of crunching leaves that turned into powder under my feet as I walked.

In honor of my exhilaration of being outdoors, I am sharing an acoustic recording of a John Denver song that expresses many of my emotions. I also want to share some pictures of my passion for playing my guitar outdoors (though I left it home, yesterday).

Life continues to be beautiful for me.

Clicking on the blue link will play my recording

THIS OLD GUITAR – J. Denver – performed by Judy

In this photo, my friends (Cheryl and Linda) are sleeping while I serenade them. I am probably 20 years old.

Wow is this picture dated! I usually get headaches wearing headbands, so I’m surprised that I’m wearing one.

As I drove to my friend, Carol’s house for our hike – I called her from my car to let her know I was on my way. By mistake, I called my editor who is also named Carol. It was very funny, and makes sense after reading our humorous exchange from earlier in the week, which I am sharing below:

On Oct 29, 2011, Judy wrote:

Hi Carol,

Hope you’re well!

I have been so, so busy – getting closer to finishing the audio book. I have recorded most of the stories and have those almost ready! Recording with a professional setup has made the sound a lot better and consistent. I am also improving with speaking and telling my stories.

I want to share my newest song that truly will make a great ending for my book. I meant to fade the ending, but ended up leaving it “hanging.” It was one of those happy accidents!

Now I believe my conclusion is worthy of my book. It was a revelation for me that I could incorporate performing this song as part of my ending to balance out the way I wrote my introduction. I’ll look forward to your thoughts.

Judy

Hi Judy,

I’ll let you know what I think … but I’m sure it’s great. You’ve worked hard and you should be very proud of yourself. And don’t forget to take a break now and then. Otherwise you’ll grow to hate the project, no matter how wonderful it is. Don’t forget to live your life…

Carol

Hi Carol

I appreciate your thoughtful advice. I am planning to go on a hike next week as a break. I love what I’m doing and will never allow myself to reach a place of hating this project. Because it is my life, that would be sad indeed!

Judy

Hi Judy,

That sounds good. I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. There come times when a project “takes you over” and you’re a slave to it, and that’s bad. A break is good. So is chocolate, looking at changing leaves in the park, just taking a walk or just sitting and being quiet with a glass of wine, of course. Have fun!

Carol

Hi Carol,

I’m looking forward to my hike next week – I need some fresh air and I agree with you! I can see that I won’t do as well over the long haul if I work too hard. It’s just difficult because family issues and things that are necessary for me to take care of often divert me. I do not have the luxury of working on my book full-time. But I am so fortunate I am able to do as much as I have!

Thanks for your sweet words, Carol.

Judy

Taking a break is a good idea. Dealing with family problems is NOT taking a break!

Carol