myjourneysinsight

I’M NOT REALLY GONE

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Judy

Judy & Sandra 2

This post is dedicated to the memory of my friend, Sandra Blake Callahan. My title is a line of lyrics from my song “In Every Smile.” The music and story surrounding my song can be found at this link: IN EVERY SMILE

Sometimes, it’s easier not to examine the past. But words are powerful and can penetrate my mind just like a ray of sunshine illuminating a room though a dusty window.

In remembering my blogging friend, Sandra Callahan who died this week, I’ve decided to begin by sharing one of her especially insightful comments. Her words helped me to let go of a long-held belief that didn’t serve me.

When I began myjourneysinsight in 2010, all I wanted to do was express my feelings. For thirty years, I held everything in and carried a lot of grief. But the more I wrote, the better I felt and life began to become joyful again.

That was a stark contrast to the unhappiness I lived with on a daily basis. I was very lonely and withdrawn in my marriage. I was also overwhelmed with caring for my parents and challenging children.

I can honestly say that my music and writing helped me find my courage. Shortly after my father died, I left my marriage.

Azalea

I was able to stay married for 31 years because I accepted the emotional distance in my relationship. I was also terrified of change or rocking the boat.

My husband and I never fought about anything. He was very unhappy, and gradually I went from feeling apathetic about our relationship to disliking him. He probably felt the same way about me, too.

I carried guilt over ending my marriage because my husband never expected I would leave. On one of my blog stories, I wrote that he was a good provider because he always went to work every day. He hadn’t cheated on me. He didn’t gamble or drink. I had betrayed him.

But when Sandra wrote a comment to share her observation, it opened my eyes.

It was especially touching because Sandra cherished her husband, Chris. She found true love later in her life, and never hesitated to write how much she appreciated this wonderful man who adored her.

Sandra caught me with my own line of, “He was a good provider” and gave me more clarity than I was prepared for. She said:

“He was not a good provider. It breaks my heart to think of you, with all your sparkle and life light, being starved for affection. We all need love and your children filled part of that for you but I know that someday you will find that person who is in awe of you and appreciates you for the amazing human being that you are. Following your heart is the key to peace and self-love. Staying in a loveless marriage is not a good idea. I am sure there are hurt feelings but it is better to be alone and happy. You are an incredible woman with amazing strength.”

Hawthorn

Her message made me think about the “story” I told myself, which only burdened me with guilt. I literally “bought into” the idea that money was more important than my emotional needs.

After her comment, I stopped telling myself what a great provider my ex-husband was.

I know that soon you will leave me

These lyrics are from my song “Never Gone Away.”

Now I want to share some other messages from Sandra. Every one of them is a gem for me:

Judy, I have such fond memories of my time with you. Your beautiful music and voice are still fresh in my mind. It means a lot that you take the time out of your busy life to read and connect with me. Ever since meeting you in Yosemite, I have a special place in my heart for you.

You aren’t Streisand? Why would you want to be when you are Judy and have such a gift to share?

We must suffer in life to know when we are not suffering. We need to suffer so we know how to be grateful for all we have been given. I have been given much and am grateful to my suffering as well as my blessings.

Dandelion

Oh the pressure is on to be “wise” 🙂 I understand your reaction and love you for caring. Please let the sadness pass and think of the joy that comes with each breath I take. Each one is a little gift and reminder of how miraculous life is. I just have such gratitude for the life I was given: the people I have been blessed to love and be loved by. You are icing on my cake and yes, I dare think I will be here after the holidays and will enjoy our next visit!!

Judy, I never think any of my symptoms are a burden. For me, they simply are. They remind me that we each have our own journey. I so look forward to seeing you and need to email you to discuss details and timing. Unfortunately I have gotten much worse since the last time we met. We all die sometime, that is not tragedy. I just want to live through another holiday season.

Your humor is one of the most awesome things about you! Your talent as an artist in multiple media is impressive, however, I would feel a little sad for anyone who has not been treated to your humorous side!

Yarrow

I wish that I could say it is courage. But honestly I just don’t know any other way to move through this event. You are one of the few who truly know about saying goodbye and what that feels like. Please know that when I say it, they won’t be words of regret.

That’s what we are here for isn’t it? To follow our path and support others as they follow theirs? That is the way you live.

You could be bitter and think the world an ugly place, but you offer your love and support to those you have not even met. Your music moves people; it did Chris and I. The love, as well as the suffering comes through, and comes from a place of love rather than a place of resentment or anger. The world is a better place for having you in it.

Marshmallow

Judy, I was not expecting to meet someone like him ever! I am surprised and delighted that he could love me. It is my firm belief that love comes to us when we least expect it and hopefully when we are ready to receive it.

Your love is out there waiting for you. When you are ready it will be there. I can’t imagine going through this without him. I probably could but don’t want to:) my heart goes out to anyone who is going through something like this without the love I have been so blessed with.

When your time comes I will stand at the end of your bed and welcome you to the rest of your soul’s life. You have many years ahead and songs to write before that day, but know that I will be there.

This is Sandra's favorite picture of her and Chris.

This was Sandra’s favorite picture of her and Chris.

I end my post with Sandra’s wisdom written shortly before she died of heart failure:

I am dying.

I am going to die.

I am going to die and it doesn’t upset me.

How does someone live with this?  How do you go on with your life for today?  How can you be so calm in the face of this very real fact?

You do it the way every human that walks this earth. We are all dying aren’t we? Some of us have conditions that make ours a bit more imminent. Anyone could decide that it is too scary; some actually do and don’t live their life to the fullest.

The question? What happens when we die? Though I do not rush to death’s door in search of this answer, I do not think of slowing it down. I don’t think of my loss as some have assumed. I do hope I leave enough love and good memories behind to make my passing easier on those I love. You will have questions regarding your own mortality in those moments. It is ok to say it out loud, those who love you will understand, and the rest of them can go to the own little hell they have created for themselves.

May you be held in the arms of those you love when you leave this world. In that sense dying is a bit like being born isn’t it?

Sandra & Chris

Feel me with love you share

LINKS:

Sandra’s Book:

https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Says-Sandra-Callahan-ebook/dp/B00GCB2TS2

Other stories on my blog about Sandra:

#511 I FEEL YOUR LOVE

#394 MY SOUL I WOULD RESTORE – PART 1

#395 YOU UPLIFT, YOU ARE MY GIFT

#396 MY SOUL I WOULD RESTORE – PART 2

#439 I’M THANKFUL FOR LIFE

#353 HER HEART BECAME MY HEART

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged death, death of a friend, divorce after long marriage, Friendship, gray divorce, healing from grief, healing music, hope for healing, In Every Smile, inspiration, loss, music and healing, music healing, Sandra Blake Callahan, songwriting | 14 Comments

I FEEL YOUR LOVE

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Judy

For this post, I dedicate my song “Beside Me Always” to Sandra Callahan.

I know that i will still exist

Every day, I take a walk on this path to clear my mind and relish the breeze.

She’s gone . . .

I whispered those words, hoping they would stick and force my disbelief to scatter like leaves in the wind. Throughout my day, I kept wondering where she was; death was such a mystery for me.

I could still remember her wise and loving voice. I reminded myself that she lived far away from me and the time where we actually met was so brief. My loss was minuscule compared to how her family felt. Yet, she had made such an impact on me. And I knew it was that way for many other friends in her life, too.

I prayed that perhaps if I listened carefully she might communicate with me somehow. I closed my eyes and longed to hear her sweet wisdom permeate the silence.

Trees against sky

In 2010, I joined the world of blogging. I had no real expectations of what it meant to be a blogger as I poured out my heartfelt feelings into cyberspace.

It was probably about two years later when I had the urge to explore and read other blogs. The topic that I used for my search was grief.

I found a blog about a mother in South Africa whose only daughter was dying from a horrible disease. Another blog was about a wife in Australia coping as her husband declined from Parkinson’s. And then there was a blog written by a woman named Sandra who was terminally ill; I discovered her because she left such caring comments on the other two blogs.

Despite these sad topics, getting to know these very real women and reading about their lives touched me. I found a new kind of family and felt close to them.

Sandra had congestive heart failure and had already outlived her doctor’s expectations. Her words always touched and inspired me. She had a way of celebrating life that was contagious.

Unlike my other two blogging friends (Tersia in South Africa and Julie in Australia), Sandra lived in the United States. I was in California and she was in Georgia.

When Sandra mentioned she was coming out to California for a vacation in Yosemite, I grabbed the opportunity to meet my blogger friend. Yosemite was such a beautiful place to visit and only a seven-hour drive from where I lived in Los Angeles.

The Callahans will meet you Our time together in Yosemite was very brief, but special. It gave me a beautiful opportunity to put a face and voice to her sensitive words.

During the trip, Sandra was not well because the altitude affected her heart. We ate a few meals together and I looked forward to playing my guitar for her. But each time we planned to meet, she had to cancel and rest.

On the last night, she came into an Internet room late at night (where I was) to check for messages. No one else was in the room but us – so I asked her if I could grab my guitar and play for her and Chris.

I was nervous but excited. The crackling fireplace and sparkling Christmas tree made a beautiful stage for me.

I started out by playing a familiar song – I chose an outdoorsy one by John Denver. The acoustics in the room were lovely and my voice felt open and light. When I finished, Sandra said, “Now I want to hear an original song of yours!”

I thought for a moment and then chose my song “Beside Me Always.”

The room was quiet except for light pops in the fireplace. My voice floated and I felt so connected to my lyrics that I almost cried. I strummed the last chord and waited as it rang softly for several seconds.

Then Sandra imparted words that would stay with me forever. Those words are in blue toward the end of this story.

The experience that night gave me a lot of insight about where I wanted to go with my music. I had much more confidence to sing my own lyrics from my heart after that.

This is the room where I played my guitar and sang late at night.

After our lovely meeting at Yosemite in 2013, Sandra and Chris invited me to visit them in Georgia. Even though I seriously considered it, I was not able to push myself to plan the trip. My youngest son was graduating high school, my dry eyes were bothering me and my impending divorce after a long marriage had me very stressed.

When I was finally ready to make the trip, Sandra felt it would be best for me to come when the weather was cooler in the fall. Then she asked me to wait until after Christmas, in January.

I sent her a private message saying that I was willing to come and simply hold her hand anytime she gave the word – but she didn’t reply. I understood because she had significantly declined before the holidays.

On her very last blog post two weeks ago, Sandra seemed aware that death was coming closer. Breathing was difficult and she was tethered to an oxygen tank.

I felt a pang in my heart when she wrote: “A friend living in another state whom I wanted so much to come visit was not able to due to my serious health change.”

I realized that was her way of saying goodbye to me.

Judy & Sandra I learned so much from Sandra. She found the love of her life after many years of great disappointment. Her husband, Chris adored her.

Everything she wrote on her blog was meaningful. She expressed how grateful she was to know that she would leave this earth surrounded by deep love. I was told that Chris held her as she took her last breath.

Beside Me Always front cover idea 2

Even though in 2010 I knew little of what to expect from blogging, later on I began to look forward to every comment I received from my blogging friends. Because they read my innermost thoughts, they actually knew me in ways my family did not.

I could always count on Sandra to find the essence of my story and impart loving words back to me. Her words always caused me to grin and warmed my soul. From her, I learned how important it was to write caring comments to others – it was a human connection that could truly make a difference.

One of her very last comments to me was this one:

“Judy, I remember the change in your whole being when you stopped playing someone else’s music and started playing your own. I felt it run through my body and touch my heart and soul.

As always your words comfort me. My concern is how those I love are going to handle my leaving. You know Chris and how close we are. Just a couple of hours ago he told me I can’t leave him. I keep hoping he will reach a point of release, but I don’t think that is going to happen until he has to.

You are a remarkable woman and friend. Meeting you was a moment in time that I treasure and I am still hoping to see you again. I cannot think of anything more uplifting than listening to you play, sing and tell your story. To think that you traveled all the way to Yosemite to visit with us is amazing. And then to have you give such a personal and private concert, it was a gift I will never forget.

You are one of the bravest people I know and I am so inspired and proud of you, my friend. I hope you have gained even half of what I have been gifted with your friendship and love.”

Sandra, Chris & Judy

LINKS:

IT’S HARD TO IMAGINE YOU COULD HEAL-PART 3

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Judy

I have interspersed close-ups of my original artwork throughout this post (in color and black and white.)

After my son died, healing seemed unimaginable. This title speaks to me; I know that hope of healing has kept me going during dark times in my life.

I have been corresponding with a bereaved mother named Sammi since her son, AJ died three years ago. (To read our other dialogs, simply type “Sammi” in my blog’s search box.)

Sammi writes about her grief with gut-wrenching honesty. Her words are in blue. The quotations are ones she posted on her private grief site.

Rose B&W The Pain never goes away

I woke at 4:30 a.m. I do that almost every night.

I haven’t slept through the night since AJ died. I lay there, feeling nothing for a moment, staring into the darkness; then it happens. Like a brick wall falling on me, I remember and it hurts. Some days are easier and I just roll over and go back to sleep and some days are like last night when the pain cut so deep that I couldn’t stop the sob escaping or the tears that fell. Those are the nights when I have to get up completely to stop the agony exploding in my chest.

I walked out onto the porch. It was so cold and so quiet. I stood there just gazing out into the neighborhood. It was so calm, so peaceful. I looked up into the clear night sky and saw thousands of stars twinkling above. How is it possible that such peace and such beauty exist around me while such upheaval and ugliness churns inside?

rolling hills B&W

The nights and early mornings are the worst. The being reminded every, single, day, my child is dead. I dread falling asleep because I fear waking and the pain that I know is waiting. Every. Single. Day.

Tree & Fence B&W

Sammi, this is so beautifully written – it describes that horrible anguish that I remember so well. It was like living within a nightmare.

Sleep was peace until having to wake up to face what was unbearable. The statement of how the pain never goes away just wasn’t true for me. Occasionally it knocks on my door, but it has left my room. I pray it will be that way for you someday and that the sun will shine again.

Not all wounds heal

Sammi, beliefs are powerful and every person chooses what they want to believe.

Those words above are true for some individuals – I’ve known people who died carrying heavy grief. But for me, I’ve chosen another path. It wasn’t one that I searched for – it just came to me after many years of suffering. I wouldn’t ever say that “time heals.” But for me, healing came and I am thankful for that.

Trees w. Lichen B&W

I dreamt of AJ last night. I didn’t recognize where I was – it looked like here and yet it wasn’t. He came up to me and he was beautiful, smiling that smile he always had on his face. He looked radiant. He was accompanied by a young woman who had beautiful, flowing brown hair and a bubbly personality with an infectious laugh. As in past dreams, he never spoke or came close. The woman spoke to me. I don’t remember what we talked about but I remember how happy AJ seemed. This woman was always touching him and he never dropped her hand. She kept referring to me as “Mom.”

I remember getting up to leave and looking back and they were gone. I kept walking out into the outside world, I heard others but didn’t see anyone else. I took a step off a porch and had the feeling of floating downward until I finally landed, waking up. He seemed so happy, so content, so at peace.

Garden Path 2 B&W

Sammi, I see something beautiful in your interpretation of this sweet dream. How inspiring that you saw AJ at peace! Perhaps this can help you feel more peaceful?

AJ never had a chance to get married or have children and initially I felt sadness as you described your dream. But as I read further, your description was so uplifting.

To me, this signifies a powerful message of healing sent to you from AJ.

Tree & Fence On my story of IT’S NOT FOREVER – PART 3, I wrote about how Sammi had emergency surgery and almost died. During that time, she felt that her son was with her. When she awoke from surgery, she felt quite different and her heavy grief had been lifted.

In the month that followed, some of that lightness stayed with her. She wrote the following entry below:

My mind is in such turmoil lately. My thoughts have been all over the place. I go from memory to memory at lightening speed, unable to put thoughts down. Interspersed among the memories is anger; the anger that I will live with for the rest of my life, no matter what I do. It is the anger that comes with unanswered questions. It finds a corner of my mind and digs in.

rolling hills

It has become very comfortable with my stalker grief. They make plans with each other and attack together at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it is when I wake at night just to turn over. My days have been gentler, more often than not, but I have yet to make it through an entire day without pain.

I knew life was filled with transitions; I was prepared to go through many of them.

I just didn’t know that I would be one of the people who would live out the rest of their days in pain every day.

Garden Path 2

Sammi, living without pain is unimaginable when you are in it. But I am certain that one day you will live without this level of pain.

Your stalker and your anger will retreat – you are actually much stronger than you realize. Don’t let them trick you into submission. They will leave when it is time for them to go. You will celebrate your survival just as I did.

Your experience during your surgery was a gift – a glimpse into the future. It was real and it is waiting for you.

Never give up hope.

Trees w. Lichen

© 2016 by Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged death of a child, discouraged about healing, flower paintings, grief and healing, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, healing and grief, healing from grief, hope for healing, hope of healing, hopefulness and grief, inspiration, optimism, surviving grief | 7 Comments

SET YOU FREE – PART 2

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Judy

A week ago, I participated in another wonderful home recital/seminar held by my new coach, Hannah Anders. I enjoyed participating and received helpful feedback from the other singers who were there. I also loved hearing the different musical styles and beautiful voices of her other students.

The song that I shared on that day was “Set You Free.” The following night, I performed it at Kulak’s Woodshed and had a lot more power in my voice than usual. I attribute that to the confidence I’ve gained working with Hannah. With courage, I’ve shared that performance on the video above.

Below is a link to a recording of my introduction to “Set You Free” at the recital/seminar:

Introduction to my song “Set You Free” performance 1-24-16

TRANSCRIPTION:

For me songwriting is mystical and magical. I was trying to decide which song to play today. I chose my song “Set You Free.”

I didn’t write songs for thirty years; I played the guitar when I was 15 and then I stopped when I got married at the age of 21. I was very unhappily married and was taking care of my sick parents. I wanted to write a song, but I didn’t know if I could thirty years later; at the time, I was 52 years old.

First, I wrote a song for my son who died (in 1992) and then I wrote this one “Set You Free.”

My father was really sick and he suffered a lot before he died. I wrote this song a year before he died; I thought he was going to die that weekend.

But the meaning for this song was that I ended up setting myself free.

After my father died, I asked my husband for a divorce. I had no idea when I wrote the lyrics, “I long for you to hold me” – it wasn’t just about my dad. There was a lot more to it . . .

SYF lyrics 1