WITH JOY WHEN I SING

I usually smile a lot when I sing.

I usually smile a lot when I sing.

When I first discovered writing, I was delirious with joy as I released so many feelings that were locked inside. Sometimes, I was fairly embarrassed by my inability to hold back personal information.

For most of my life, I seldom opened up to share my true feelings with anyone. I was too busy raising my children and surviving grief. Many of my friends told me they were shocked about my getting divorced; they told me they had no idea I was so unhappy in my marriage.

Before I was married, my husband was my best friend. I married at a very young age and quickly learned that my honesty led to conflict; conflict led to coldness from him. I began to suppress and hide my feelings. All of this was unconscious and with hindsight I can easily remember when it started. It started when I was a young child and discovered how to be a “good girl.”

With my parents & Howard

I never found therapy helpful when I was younger. During difficult times, I preferred to rely upon my parents to be there for me.

When my mother was alive (before the onset of dementia), I always knew she was waiting for my calls. My father was an extension of her, listening in on our phone conversations. My children were my total focus so our favorite topic was their grandchildren. Even though I couldn’t share all of my feelings with my parents, it was special knowing how much they loved me and my kids.

As both my parents declined, I became very distraught and searched desperately for other ways to express and comfort myself.

At this time in my life, I share my deepest feelings with Connie. She has been my therapist for about five years and I am grateful for the progress I’ve made because of her and hypnotherapy.

Connie is nothing like my mother, yet I feel blessed to have such a caring therapist to help me find more positive ways to improve my thinking, and ultimately feel better as a result.

For months now our sessions have focused on my unrelenting pain. My eyes cause me physical pain, which results in psychological pain. I have been very depressed and that has caused my eyes to hurt more. I blame myself for my inability to triumph over the pain. I have gained a lot of weight on top of everything.

Sometimes Connie helps me by using a technique called tapping. As I tap, I am usually crying. I will blurt out whatever comes into my mind. I have stress related to my children and my divorce. A constant theme is the lack of privacy where I live; I am seldom alone and free to sing my heart out.

I am sharing a picture (with my childrens’ permission) from our Mother’s Day outing last month.

I am sharing a picture (with my childrens’ permission) from our Mother’s Day outing last month.

Last week, I came to Connie’s guesthouse for my hypnotherapy session and was excited to share with her about the recent speaker’s convention that I attended.

I told her that I finally saw a door that I could go through to achieve what I had dreamed of. Being a speaker would allow me to share my music and stories in such a beautiful way; I had a lot to offer. But unfortunately, there was an obstacle for me.

I was too broken to do it.

When my journey began, I had the energy to stand, speak and deliver. But in my current state, I can’t even open my eyes most of the time. I haven’t performed at an open mic for many months now.

Perhaps an audience would still accept me with my eyes closed but just imagining it is stressful. Any kind of pressure immediately causes my eyes to throb and hurt. The pain is unbearable and I have no control over it.

Under hypnosis, I spoke about my disappointment to Connie. I had hoped I was healing, but instead I was suffering with festering wounds. My feelings about becoming successful and time running out led to my most hated word, which was “pressure.”

Depression had the word “press” in it. And pressure squeezed the joy right out of me.

Having to prove myself financially was a trigger from my former life (before my divorce). From the moment I got married right out of college, I was under a lot of pressure to become successful as an artist. I struggled with my self-worth because I never seemed to earn enough money to make my husband happy.

Now the message that kept playing for me was that my music was just an expensive hobby I had left him for. The very thing I’ve devoted my life to for four years was of no value to my husband or children simply because I made no money at it.

Just speaking about this aggravated me. In my heart, I knew what I was doing was valuable for me personally and I didn’t need their “stamp of approval.” I loved connecting and helping other people. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I hated falling back into former habits of thought.

Connie asked me what my definition for success was. My first thought about success related to my children and certainly wasn’t about money.

I have devoted myself to my children completely since my first child was born in 1987. Jason lived for five years and everything I did was to keep him comfortable despite his serious congenital heart defect. He could barely eat or walk and I carried him everywhere.

This picture was taken when Jason was about 3 and visiting his grandparents. I am living in my parents’ coop now. I am a song gardener only, which will be clear in the picture that follows showing the current state of my backyard!

This picture was taken when Jason was about 3 years old and visiting his grandparents. I am living in my parents’ coop now.

 I am a song gardener only, which is clear in this picture of the current state of my backyard!

I am a song gardener only, which is clear from this picture taken of my backyard today!

Even though I wasn’t able to extend Jason’s life beyond the age of five, I took comfort knowing that he loved living up until the day died. I knew he might have died much sooner had I not been as devoted as I was; in a few instances I saved his life.

After Jason’s death, my surviving children were my reason to go on living. But they had many challenges.

I worked tirelessly fighting the school district to obtain the services they needed – all three of them required it to some degree. At one time, my closet was filled with at least twenty file boxes holding reports and documentation to build my cases.

Everything I had done for them had paid off in beautiful ways. My three children were wonderful human beings and I was so proud of each one. I knew I had succeeded in shaping their lives because of my love and devotion.

I began to cry remembering all the years fighting for my children. I deserved to be celebrating with joy at this time in my life. But instead, I was suffering with eye pain that was torturing me.

I said tearfully, “Connie, why am I suffering? What is wrong with me?”

Softly, Connie asked me to remember if there was another time in my life where I felt that way. I hesitated and then began to slowly recall other times in my life where I blamed myself for my own pain.

It was a long list. It seemed like trying to please my husband, children and parents had taken a toll.

This is a page from my diary, written in 1979.

This is a page from my diary, written in 1979.

I spend most of my time in the safety of my bedroom creating music. My songs are my respite from pain and are prophecies from my subconscious. I am often amazed by the profound messages I’ve written to myself within my own song lyrics.

Two weeks ago I began working on a new arrangement for my song named “My Dream.”

Click the blue link below to hear my arrangement in progress:

MY DREAM #2 Karaoke – Copyright 2014 by J Unger

 

I wrote the lyrics for “My Dream” in 2011, shortly after I announced my divorce. I hadn’t moved out yet and dreaming kept me alive. I was very inspired by the following line:

“One day I’ll face the world’s embrace and the message I’ll bring with joy when I sing.”

Once again, my own song lyrics held meaning for me. I will know when I am ready to hit a stage and emerge from behind a curtain.

It will be when I can fully express my joy!

Below is a link to a story about my first arrangement for “My Dream.”

MY DREAM – PART 1

My Dream feels so certain

Performing with bliss

© 2014 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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2 Responses to WITH JOY WHEN I SING

  1. Joni Lautman says:

    Another beautiful post Judy. I love you. You’re so incredible!!

    Like

  2. Norm Goodman says:

    I loved reading this post Jude. You are an inspiration to me.

    Love,

    Norm

    Like

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