Story behind HOW WE DON’T CARE-PART 1

Click the blue links below to play audio:

How We Don’t Care Acoustic 5-6-18 Copyright 2018 by Unger

How We Don’t Care Home Recording 6/24/16 Copyright 2016 by Unger




Copyright 2010 by Judy Unger

What’s new with you?

It’s been awhile since you’ve told me

I have nothing left to say

It might be too late to give it a try

‘cause now you can’t look me in the eye

I’m doing fine although I’m smiling

Inside it isn’t quite the same

I can’t take much more of hiding these tears

it seems my disguise is not what it appears

We try to show how we don’t care

How we don’t feel, how we don’t share

And it’s really nothing new

It just gets harder every time to say I love you

Sometimes I feel like this time it’s over

Will this be just a passing storm?

Somehow I wonder if after the rain

can our love survive this pain?

So what’s on your mind?

Will you cry when you leave me?

Or is it that I’m just crying alone?

I thought that our love I could always count on

Did we wake up to find that love has gone?

We try to show how we don’t care

How we don’t feel, how we don’t share

And it’s really nothing new

It just gets harder every time to say I love you

It just gets harder every time to say I love you

A picture from my younger days – I was about 13 years old in this one.

A picture from my younger days – I was about 13 years old in this one.

When I wrote my song “How We Don’t Care,” at the age of 19, I had no idea that the charade of pretending not to be hurt would become a theme that followed me later in my life.


I spent a lot of my youth chasing friendship and suffering because of it. My insecurities and high expectations taught me my first lessons about loss and disappointment in life.

In my old bedroom

A picture from my younger days – I was about 13 years old in this one.

Hiding my hurt feelings began in high school. I had become close with a friend unlike any other. I adored her and when she hurt me, I was devastated. It seems trite now, but for many months I openly wept and suffered greatly.

It wasn’t until three years later when I was 18 that I allowed myself to open up again. I was elated when I became close to my friend, Cheryl. But then I felt hurt by her, and that familiar feeling I had in high school returned.

Because I want my story to be complete, I’ve decided to share a portion of my cassette recording of this song from 1980. My younger voice sounds like someone else. I find it beautiful that this haunting song waited for me so I could sing it again 34 years later.

Click the blue link to hear a recording of this song when I was 20:

HOW WE DON’T CARE – Cassette Recording from 1980 by Judy Unger

I wrote my song “How We Don’t Care,” as I struggled to deal with the ups and downs in our friendship. Although we tried to mend things, we were never as close. Eventually, we drifted apart completely once we were both married. After Cheryl moved away with her husband, we didn’t speak for years.


I did reconnect with Cheryl after our many years of silence. I never had the courage to mention our rift. It would have been helpful perhaps to hear Cheryl’s perspective about why our friendship disintegrated. But in 2008, Cheryl died from breast cancer. I miss her so very much and treasure the beautiful memories I had with her.

Judy & Cheryl camping

When I began my re-learning my songs in 2010, “How We Don’t Care.” was one of the first songs I was excited to record. I absolutely loved the chords and melody. The verse and chorus had two distinctly different rhythms. Of all of my song compositions, it was one of my favorites.

Below is a link to my first story about this song when I recorded it four years ago:



Cheryl & I dancing


My song “How We Don’t Care” touches my heart even more deeply as an adult woman. I know it is because I hid my feelings for decades during my marriage.


The “disguise” on my part and the lack of eye contact on his part, left our relationship permanently scarred.


I was emotionally separate and distant. I lowered my expectations and shoved away my hurt feelings to avoid conflict; he did, too. The walls that we both put up were an impediment to intimacy. For me, every hurt led to thicker and thicker scar tissue, and I became more and more numb.


The difference between my song and my marriage was even sadder.


When I wrote my song as a young girl, I actually still cared despite my hurt feelings. But the contrast in my marriage was that after years and years of numbness, I eventually convinced myself that I really didn’t care!


I decided I didn’t need intimacy. I didn’t feel I deserved anything better. I was so determined to accept my situation that I refused to allow for any feelings at all. I focused all the love in my heart upon my children. And my parents also alleviated my emptiness with their attentive love and support.


I had children with challenges and the security of marriage was the only way I could cope. I felt there was no other choice.


My song triggers a lot of heartache for me. As I grieve the end of my marriage, I remember a young girl and boy who were once so much in love. I cry for both of them: The lonely girl, who became a broken woman and the angry boy who grew up into a very unhappy man. The broken woman took a chance at restoring her soul.

She grieves for the unhappy man. He was faithful. After many miserable years of work and constant stress when he came home, now he is truly alone.

This picture is from my happier days as a young girl on vacation with my parents.

This picture is from my happier days as a young girl on vacation with my parents.

It was my music and songs that caused my heart to stir again with feeling. And when my parents faded from my life, I did not want to accept numbness anymore. My children did not require, nor benefit from my constant devotion either.


My true feelings were terrifying at first.


There were so many things I was angry about. Even though he never told me or admitted it, my husband was angry, too. He simply suppressed his anger by being very dismissive and cold. Our marriage had weathered many challenges and the truth was that I was separate from him and had no desire to reconnect.


Even though marriage offered security, I didn’t want to live with someone I disliked anymore.


It was the discovery of my self-worth that gave me the courage to change my life.

Diary Cheryl 12

Judy & her cap

© Judy Unger and 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Judy

I'm an illustrator by profession. At this juncture in my life, I am pursuing my dream of writing and composing music. Every day of my life is precious!
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