myjourneysinsight

A BRIDGE CAME ALONG

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Judy

For this story, I was actually able to find a photo from a family vacation where I was on a bridge in Hawaii in 2008.

bridge (noun)

structure allowing passage across obstacle, link or means of approach, linking piece of music

bridge (transitive verb)

build bridge across something, create understanding

Bridge synonyms:

Connection, conduit, link, tie, association, channel, passage, join

There is a tiny bridge there on the left side. This illustration was one I did in college for a children’s book assignment.

Although I am a passionate songwriter, I find the process of writing lyrics to be very draining. They erupt from me and the energy behind them is very contracted. Perhaps heartfelt words are deeply embedded because of my habit of denying my feelings for many years.

Beautiful music inspires me to write lyrics. The melody tugs at my subconscious and helps me to find lyrics that are honest.

For my last two songs, my arranger George worked with me to create bridges for songs that didn’t have one before that.

Each time, I wasn’t thrilled about it because I didn’t want to write those additional lyrics and melody. I wasn’t confident about whether I’d come up with anything good enough.

The truth was that inside my head I was literally “kicking and screaming” and even considered making those “change-up chord” areas a musical solo because that would take the heat off of me.

Every time I sang my song, I could feel the music swelling. A solo wouldn’t add meaning, so I knew I had to add words. And those passages needed words that would have an impact because I was making a final statement to sum up my song’s meaning just before the climax.

I couldn’t sing vocals for my new arrangements until I wrote those bridges, so I was very motivated.

The whole process was very meaningful and it propelled both songs into a more touching and spiritual place for me.

My new arrangements with those bridges can be heard by following these links to the original stories:

Story behind ANGEL IN THE SKY-PART 1

Story behind JUST A TUNE-PART 1

When I wrote the new bridge for “Angel in the Sky #2” last month, I had to truly face denial of feelings with the words of “I still cry.” Those words caused inner conflict for me because I have been very positive that I have healed from grief. But with that admission I found clarity and it also added a lot more emotion to my vocal.

For certain, I know that tears are healthy. I can still cry and believe in healing.

Then last week, I finally wrote the bridge for “Just a Tune #2.” It was amazing for me how those few lines just summed it up. They were so simple!

“More about how much I care”

I came to my hypnotherapy session filled with musical joy. I was bursting and beaming because I loved my latest song, “Just a Tune.” I told my therapist, Connie that I had finally written the bridge and the day before I had recorded a vocal for it.

I celebrated with her how things were going better for me. Connie had certainly witnessed and played a part in my transformation to becoming “my own best friend.”

Initially, I felt unsure about my song’s theme of finding love again. How could I find love again if I wasn’t open to a romantic relationship?

I didn’t need to find love again because love had never left me; I always felt love for my children and parents.

Everything changed when I embraced the theme of self-love. When I became my own best friend; it changed my life. I was whole and stopped looking for approval from other people.

I wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s happiness – only my own.

I ended up not using those exact lyrics above. The concept of self-love is far more healing than looking for someone else to heal a broken heart.

I ended up not using those exact lyrics above. The concept of self-love was far more healing for me rather than looking for someone else to heal my broken heart.

I love this image of myself playing guitar when I was 21.

I love this image of myself playing guitar on a beach at sunset when I was 21.

Part of the reason I loved the new arrangement for “Just a Tune,” was because there were a few small chord changes. The whole process of being open to changing chords is another story, but Connie picked up on that.

If three new chords could make a difference to my song, wasn’t that another great analogy for my life?

Sometimes, small changes truly can make a difference.

The simplest way for me to change anything always started with changing my thoughts. It was an ongoing exercise.

A few weeks earlier, my sessions revolved around my frustration that my ex-husband was moving to another country in six months and was uninvolved with his children.

Once he moved away, I would be responsible for all of my 18-year-old son’s expenses. I helped all three of my children financially and this issue had me seething with the unfairness. Through hypnotherapy, I wanted to turn this around.

Instead of placing my energy upon what my ex-husband wasn’t doing, I congratulated myself for the being there for my children. My new motto became: “I care.”

How interesting that my latest song had a prominent lyric line of “You’ve shown me how to care!”

The word “care” had another special meaning for me; it was a wonderful replacement word for responsible. When my parents were sick and declining, feeling responsible for them filled me with pressure.

Caring takes away pressure. It allows me to see everything as an expression of my love. Love is healing and that is where I want to go!

I love this picture where I look so blissful!

“That moment when . . .”

Those three words above are lyrics in my song “Just a Tune.” They represent an “a-ha” moment.

I was under hypnosis now. Connie asked me if there was anything I could let go of. There were plenty of things I thought of – I had a lot of stress over small things and physical ailments. I wanted to maintain my healthier track and lose weight, but food was starting to comfort me again.

Just like chord changes – I wondered what small steps I could take to get back on track. Of ways that I could show caring to myself!

Then I remembered my challenge to write those two recent bridges. It was something I desperately wanted but couldn’t force. I really had to let go for that.

That was when I began to think about a bridge being a metaphor for my life. As thoughts formed, I felt very inspired.

With enthusiasm I blurted out, “Connie, you know, a bridge is a transition. It takes the second chorus to the third chorus and allows the song to build in a magnificent way. It’s a brief passage, but that connection is very important because it pulls everything together.

And that moment was when it clicked and I said, “You know – I’m in transition!”

The thoughts continued to rapidly shoot through me. Certainly my past was deeply linked to my present. My new life was filled with adjustment and all of it was a link to my future. I hadn’t reached the “last chorus.”

So, the best was yet to come for me!

I’m excited about the music I plan to release to the world next year. I’ve designed album covers for 6 CD’s of music!

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged angel in the sky, be my own best friend, being your own best friend, bridge, caring instead of responsible, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, falling in love again, Finding love again, Friendship, gray divorce, guitar, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, just a tune, lovesong, lyric composing, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, musical bridge, my angel, optimism, Ordinary Life, original songs, rediscovering love, self-love, shown me how to care, song, songwriting, that moment when, what it means to be a friend, writing, You're my angel | 2 Comments

HOW MUCH I CARE

Posted on December 15, 2014 by Judy

My friend, Cheryl, wrote the poem above for me in 1980. She inspired my song “Just a Tune” and I really miss her (she died in 2008.) I share more of her touching words from another card at the end of this story.

My children mean everything to me. All of the above pictures have deep stories behind those smiles.

When my children were young, I was immersed in creating a beautiful childhood for them. During that time, I anguished over their challenges, sibling rivalry and the occasional scary emergency room visits. I have no doubt that the loss of my first-born child clouded everything and brought with it a lot of additional anxiety. The flip side was that I was in awe of their existence and treasured them.

I am always relieved when my children tell me how much they cherish sweet memories while growing up. So often, I was exhausted and overcome by frustration that I couldn’t smooth over all the fighting that went on. My husband was usually angry overall and I felt awful that I couldn’t make him happy either. In order to function with so much unhappiness, I plodded and refused to allow myself to feel.

In a “diary of my life,” I feel like the last 30 years are emotionally blank pages. My grief was a lingering dark cloud where I carried a heavy umbrella fused to my back. The sun didn’t shine and my enjoyment in life came vicariously by living through my children.

My current life is a huge contrast to my prior existence. I no longer feel like I’m required to put on a happy face. Rather than denying emotion, I am fully immersed in feelings and memories.

I am a woman following my songwriting dream because the emotional expression of my songs soothes the emptiness I’ve carried for a long time.

This is a snapshot from an old home movie of me playing the guitar when I was 17.

Because the last 30 years were filled with so much emotional detachment (other than deep grief), I often return to the time when I had passion for life. That would be when I was a budding songwriter between the ages of 17 and 21.

It’s probably no coincidence that my memories from that youthful time are also jogged because of my close involvement in the lives of my three children who are now 18, 21 and 24.

In my past, my life revolved around emotionally fixing things for my children and I still tend to do that. But my greater energy is toward my own feelings now.

I wake up every morning knowing that I have many choices about how I want to live my life. The greatest choice is whether to feel happy. When I’m not feeling great (and especially when my eyes hurt), I know that I must search for ways to feel better.

I feel like I have gone from riding through life emotionally in the back seat to steering my own course!

I realize that steering is an illusion of control and it can add pressure if I allow it to. I try to reframe thoughts of: Where the hell am I going? Am I going to crash?

Instead, I prefer to think: “How exciting that I’m steering my life now. It hardly matters what the destination is because this trip is the best part!”

The lyrics above were revisions to my song “Just A Tune” that were made in 2012. My original lyrics from 1970 did not mention becoming my own best friend.

The lyrics above were revisions to my song “Just A Tune” that were made in 2012. My original lyrics from 1978 did not mention becoming my own best friend.

Link to hear my song’s beautiful arrangement:

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Embarassing and amazing – a brief recording of my song from 34 years ago!

Just a Tune – Excerpt from a cassette recording by Judy in 1980

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More about my song is at the links below:

JUST A TUNE- PART 1

JUST A TUNE-PART 2

I CAN FEEL LOVE AGAIN

“The Emotional Wall”

I couldn’t wait to sing a vocal for my new arrangement of “Just a Tune.” There was only a slight problem, though – My song did not have finalized lyrics or a bridge.

I continued to experiment with new lyric ideas for a third verse. And late at night I sang line after line of scrawled words for a bridge. I hoped a sweet melody would appear.

Finally it happened!

Even though I wasn’t completely sure about the new lyrics or bridge melody, I planned to record my song anyway. It would be great practice and I might even improvise and discover something great. It had happened to me before.

I had a deep connection to my song and that was priceless; I didn’t want to wait. It was a beautiful autumn afternoon. The sky was a brilliant blue and I felt excited. I sang at every stoplight and within five minutes I was at the studio where I recorded my vocals.

It was a beautiful place to sing, a home recording studio that was built as a labor of love by an Israel singer. His son, Darrin, was my engineer; he was a busy and talented musician in his own right.

After so many sessions of listening to me sing, Darrin was quite familiar with my singing style.

I often chuckled and reminded him, “Now you know my secret! I’m not a great singer – but I am really adept at editing all those takes in order to get something that’s decent.”

I was always amazed at how often I sang off-pitch. Perhaps it was because with headphones on I had trouble hearing myself sing.

I was getting closer to releasing my music, but there were many older songs that I was still working on. Sometimes, I had trouble finding the connection I really wanted for them.

A week ago, I saw how sturdy my emotional wall was. After I sang a fourth take of “Beside Me Always,” Darrin announced over my headphones, “I’m hardly feeling any emotion from you today.”

On the next take, I concentrated on my lyrics and suddenly the wall went down. I was gasping as I opened my mouth – the painful flashbacks were too vivid for me to sing through.

I left the studio that day with 4 boring takes and one that was blank except for few weepy words trailing into tears. I wished I had something in between.

My original music transcription for my song, Just a Tune.

I wondered how it would be singing “Just a Tune.” I wasn’t sure what emotion I’d find.

The friend I had written it for back in 1979 had died seven years ago. And we weren’t close for many years before that.

Projecting future love felt terrifying and impossible, although so many of my songs held prophecies for me. I was certain it would choke me up if I projected my song to a future imaginary lover; I wasn’t going there.

There was only one way I could relate to my song – it was with self-love.

Finding my own worth was what actually allowed me to create the music I loved. I probably never would have found the courage to change my life if it weren’t for the lyrics from my subconscious that guided me.

My gratefulness for it knew no bounds.

For over a week, “Just a Tune” was the only song I was attached to and it had been tough to sing other songs.

I burst into the recording area and said to Darrin excitedly, “I’ve got a brand new song arrangement I’m going to sing today!” Darrin grinned and said he was looking forward to hearing it.

I put on my headphones and took a few deep breaths. I was ready.

From the first notes, the music lifted my heart. As the introduction played, I mentally repeated the lyric changes in my head. I hoped I could let go of that focus so my song would have emotion.

No doubt, I would be coming back to record this song on another day. But this was such a glorious start!

I began to sing . . .

As my words flowed out, I was reminded about how music had truly healed me of all pain in my life. I remembered how lonely I had been for decades in my marriage. For 31 years, nothing could have been lonelier than to live with someone whom I hid all of my feelings from. But I was never lonely since I’d found my music and writing in 2010.

After I sang my song two times, Darrin said, “Can you try to sing with more emotion on the next take?”

I closed my eyes, took a slight breath and gently opened my mouth to sing.

And that was when I heard Cheryl’s voice! It was unmistakable – She gently spoke my name.

“Jude – Come on, Jude.”

There was something so soothing about the way she said it. I could hear her smiling with those words. A tear began to quickly swell in the corner of my eye. Suddenly, I could remember the feelings that caused me to write “Just a Tune.”

But it was such a long time ago!

I played it for Cheryl almost every time we were together. Initially, she would study me as I sang. Her eyes were doe-like while she mouthed the words along with me.

I treasured the sweet memories of playing my guitar and singing that song around a campfire. During some of my best times in my life, I played my song on a beach with the sun setting behind me.

Now my emotional wall crumbled and the tears gushed forth.

My brain was yelling, “Oh, my God! You are a 55-year-old woman and the last time you were excited about being with someone was when you were 19. And it was with a girlfriend! For decades you’ve lived with a void that no one else has ever filled – that is so very sad!”

That was all it took. My singing turned into tearful gasps.

My eyes were closed and I heard Cheryl’s voice again. She whispered, “Jude, it will be okay.”

Then she was gone.

The music continued playing and I sniffled as salty tears dripped onto my neck. I was desperate to get a hold of myself. Then I laughed aloud with embarrassment that Darrin was listening to my weepy warbling.

A few minutes later, I was back singing.

This time, I allowed the sweet melody to wrap around my heart and comfort me as I sang.

Transcription of my 20^th birthday card:

Judy –

I know that words cannot express what actions convey, but still I feel the need to write to you. So many times my heart literally aches with love for you, our friendship, for us. This love I feel is genuine, I know, because of the way that I feel about myself. Remember the saying “You can’t love someone until you love yourself?” Well, I’ve always believed that, but it’s meaning has really hit me hard the past few months.

You see, never have I been so happy to be me and the kind of love that I am feeling for myself makes me want to share that love with you – because I can only give you the best that I am and you’ve given me the courage and confidence to go out and search for that person in me. I feel as though you’ve helped me to understand, to come to terms with what’s important in my life (internally and externally). You’ve given me more than anyone ever has – my life wouldn’t be as special if you weren’t here to share it with me.

And just as much, I want to share your life with you. For me to thank you and to tell you how much I love you doesn’t seem like enough . . .

Love, Cheryl

Posted in Healing and Hope | Tagged acoustic guitar, be my own best friend, being your own best friend, best friend, Cheryl Kessler, childhood friendship, composing, coping with divorce, creativity, death, emotional singing, emptiness in marriage, empty spaces, falling in love again, Finding love again, Friendship, gray divorce, grief, grief and friendship, grief bereavement "Loss of a Child", GRIEF RELATED, guitar, healing music, humor daily life, I was so empty, inspiration, Judy Unger, just a tune, loss, loss of a close friend, loss of a friend, love song, lovesong, lyric composing, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music recording, optimism, Ordinary Life, original songs, parenting, recording, recording studio, recording vocals, rediscovering love, self-love, shown me how to care, singing, singing openly, singing with emotion, songwriting, that moment when, vocals, what it means to be a friend, writing | 7 Comments

I’M SO THANKFUL

Posted on December 5, 2014 by Judy

I think my youngest son said something very funny and was giving me a kiss just before this picture was taken.

Prior to leaving to celebrate Thanksgiving, my children posed for some pictures in the carport of our coop. I am very grateful for my brother, Norm and sister-in-law, Jo who made a lovely feast and welcomed us.

Click the blue link below to hear my latest song arrangement in progress. It has truly captivated me:

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I believe that humor is a wonderful coping mechanism and I look for it, especially when I’m overwhelmed. Over the past few weeks even though I faced some intense challenges, there were many moments when I was heartily laughing out loud.

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On a recent post, I wrote about my traumatic chiropractic experience. It really wasn’t funny at the time, even though I did make some puns about it. But now that a couple of weeks have passed, I think it was actually hilarious.

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I’m writing this post to update my blog audience about how I’ve been doing – my post title is a clue, for sure.

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After my two chiropractic visits, I needed to recover. I also wanted to see if the MRI that I had scheduled later in the week would give more information about my condition. I limped all the way from the parking lot to where the MRI desk was. After it was over, I was given a wheelchair ride back to my car because it was too painful for me to stand and walk.

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The procedure itself was relaxing and a great opportunity for me to compose lyrics in my head. The strange tapping sounds reminded me of one of George’s percussion keyboard patches.

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A week later, my doctor emailed me the results. There was nothing definitive. He said the MRI did show some arthritis and a few bulging discs.

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I had a huge laugh when I rapidly typed back to him and realized that auto-correct had enhanced my question of, “What do you do about bulging dicks?

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My doctor, thankfully had a good sense of humor!

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In my message, I shared with him that my leg pain had gradually diminished since I’d discontinued an antibiotic I was on. Doxycycline was a fairly common remedy for dry eyes.

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I had started taking it a month ago because a dermatologist recommended it to treat a persistent rash I had on my face. I had been reluctant to try it before that because I was afraid of getting a stomach upset. But one drug that could treat two things sounded worthwhile.

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Somehow, it dawned on me that my leg pain began the same week I began taking that medicine. When I looked up side effects, muscle pain was listed so I stopped taking it. It was around the same time that I went to see the chiropractor.

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I was elated when my leg pain began to ebb away about two weeks later.

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Finally, I was able to ease back into my old routine with great joy. Yesterday I was walking though a sunny parking lot into a warehouse store. I must have looked quite emotional because tears were running down my cheeks.

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It was because I felt so grateful to not have a glimmer of pain in my leg, but I did have pain from my dry eyes. Even though they burned and were bothersome nothing was going to stop my gratitude. My heart just kept bursting with joy, while my eyes dripped.

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When I came home, I decided to call the chiropractor who had been so determined to help me to let him know how I was doing. He practically shouted with excitement to hear my voice on the phone. He even sounded like he was dancing.

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The gist was that he was so happy to hear that my pain had gone away.

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He said, “You know, when you replace a garage disposal – it works immediately. But adjustments aren’t like that; they take time to settle in. Thank you so much for calling to let me know you’re better because we just don’t call patients to find out. I want you to know you made my day!”

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Those are my own words that my hypnotherapist wrote out for me. While I'm on my computer I am always reminded about the choices I make.

Those are my own words that my hypnotherapist wrote out for me. While I’m on my computer, I’m reminded about the choices I can make. My goal is always to feel free and peaceful!

I’ve decided to look at my leg pain healing as mysterious. Was it caused by the doxycycline? Did the chiropractor cure me with his wrenching adjustments? I wonder what helped it go away. For certain, this experience gave me a deep appreciation for my ability to walk and stand.

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Rosa has seldom eaten in a restaurant – it was a big treat for six of us and this picture was taken at Sharkey’s. My three children and her grandson, Jason were there.

On the topic of being thankful, I will always be close to my former housekeeper, Rosa. Her concern and love for me is reciprocal and this week my children and I celebrated Rosa’s fiftieth birthday. I want to share a few more happy pictures and the sweet messages that my children and I wrote on her card.

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This was her card and I erased my children’s names so I hope I won’t get in trouble for sharing this. Below are enlargements.

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Usually a particular song that I am working on becomes a musical theme playing throughout my life as it develops. Last month, I couldn’t stop singing “Angel in the Sky.” And before that it was “Watching You Grow.”

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The newest song arrangement that George and I are working on is named “Just a Tune.” I am actually considering renaming my song but haven’t decided yet.

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When I was looking to name this post, I went right to this song. The line of “I’m so thankful,” was one that I added to my song just last week. Perhaps the Thanksgiving holiday and my thankful attitude was dictating from my subconscious.

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The thankfulness in my song was more about discovering the ability to love again. I wrote “Just a Tune when I was only 19. Hearing it so many years later was very touching and it grabbed my heart with a chokehold. I couldn’t sing it without blubbering.

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I never thought it was a terrific song because even though it was sweet to sing, it always felt repetitive. But with George’s expert arranging skills, the chords blossomed in a wonderful way and I fell in love with my song. It isn’t finished because I need to write more lyrics for the bridge before recording my vocal. I am patiently waiting to find them.

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I wrote “Just a Tune” when I fell in love with a new friend in college. Her name was Cheryl and she was so inspiring and fun to be with. My song was about how grateful I was to find a friend like her after I had been so badly hurt by another friend in high school.

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Many times, I have conversations with Cheryl in my mind. I have so many beautiful memories of writing and singing that song for her; it was special for both of us. I can hear her voice telling me how thrilled she is to hear it again. Cheryl died in 2009 and I will always miss her.

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All these years later, am I still singing to her? Our deep friendship was such a long time ago. I remembered the feelings I had then but honestly I’m not thinking about her anymore with my song.

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Who am I singing to?

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I’ve decided I don’t need to know.

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My song possibly has elements of prophecy – it is a song about finding love again. But romantic love is something I have no desire for. Any longing is tucked in a remote place in my heart where I cannot ever imagine reaching again.

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When I sing with my new arrangement, I feel teary emotion spilling forth with every word because of those feelings.

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So instead, I prefer to sing my song to God with deep gratitude for the music that has continued to guide, comfort and heal me.

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© 2014 Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged beautiful music, chiropractor experience, close friendship, creativity, dreaming, dreams, escape through music, Friendship, grateful for life, gratefulness, having hope, healing music, hopefulness, I'm so thankful, inspiration, Judy Unger, just a tune, living with terminal illness, loss, memories of friendship, Music, music and healing, music and inspiration, musical comfort, musical inspiration, musical rediscovery, my dream, optimism, original songs, performing, pursuing dreams, singing, song lyrics, songwriting, speaking, staying positive, thankful for life, thankfulness, treasuring life, writing | 11 Comments

ONLY A DREAM

Posted on November 24, 2014 by Judy

More stories, recordings and performances of this song: WATCHING YOU GROW

I am a passionate singer/songwriter following my dream.

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My post title is a lyric line from my song “Watching You Grow.” Although that song was inspired by the thrill of seeing my childrens’ growth, so many lyric lines are applicable to my own growth, as a result of embracing music later in my life.

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In 2010, I began to seriously play my guitar again after 30 years. It happened just after I turned 50 and it was during a very difficult time; music came to uplift me when both my parents were declining. And music guided me to end my marriage after I wrote my true feelings with my song “The Unknown.”

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Perhaps the reason I love songwriting so much is because it represents a way for me to honestly express myself. For decades I “sleepwalked” through my life and denied most of my true feelings.

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My music has given me great comfort and I’ve decided that music and God are interchangeable. That’s an amazing thing for me to say because and I’m not a religious person by any means!

“Bring me to tears”

“Oh my God! That’s it – you just gave me chills!”

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“I’m not sure where the spot is – but I know it’s supposed to move me in this area. Something needs to be put in there.”

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“There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, but when you find those special notes – I’m soaring.”

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Working with my arranger, George sometimes sounds like an erotic encounter!

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Our sessions usually last for about 3-4 hours; time flies by as we collaborate and create beautiful music together. George is very private and wouldn’t want me to share anything about him. I can say that I always sit in a chair about ten feet away from him.

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Recently, I’ve begun to be very demanding about every song arrangement we create together. It isn’t enough for me to have a song arrangement that sounds musically pretty. I’ve decided that an arrangement isn’t finished unless it grabs my heart.

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From the time I began working with George four years ago, I have grown and developed musically in many ways. In the beginning of our working relationship, I let George arrange everything the way he heard it. He is definitely a musical genius and I treasure every one of his arrangements. Unlike earlier songs that were arranged in one session, most of our recent song arrangements develop over many sessions and I am far more involved.

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George is eager to please me, but he gets frustrated when I send him in circles with vague directions. Sometimes it’s very challenging to explain what I want when I’m not even sure – but I know it when I hear it because I feel something special.

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Yes, it does sound erotic, doesn’t it? And when I tell George that his arrangement has sent me to heaven, he beams and tells me that it gives him a lot of pleasure to do that for me.

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These are lyrics in progress that I scrawled out while writing my song “Watching You Grow.”

To anyone who wonders what I do on a daily basis with my passion – I share with you now.

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I record vocals three times a week. After so many sessions of recording, there are things I know about my voice.

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1. I can sing well for about thirty minutes. After that, it all goes downhill.

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2. I’ll sing a song about 5-7 times. The first take is usually a “warm up” because my pitch is off. But my low notes are great on the first two takes. After that, they disappear and then the high notes are better. The best take is usually the third one.

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3. I use a lot of mouthwash before I sing. Another musician told me that it helps to eliminate those funny clicking noises that happen when I’m singing certain words.

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4. I try hard to think about the meaning of the words I’m singing instead of thinking about how to sing better.

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Writing a new song is an amazing gift from above. I never actively try to compose because it involves lyric writing. I find the process of hunting for words deep within my subconscious to be exhausting and quite difficult. But of course, it leads to bliss when I come through and express my true feelings.

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Most of my time is spent editing vocal recordings. I do try to play my guitar every day because I want to maintain memorization for over forty songs. Performing is another arena that requires even more singing and guitar practice time for me.

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During the years when I did not have any music in my life, it was only a dream.

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I am eternally grateful that I am able to create the music that I love. For so many years, I was overwhelmed with care-giving and this is my renaissance now.

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All of what I do musically fills me with energy, excitement and pleasure. It helps me cope with almost anything that is stressful in my life and keeps me smiling.

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When I receive a paid illustration assignment, my musical endeavors don’t stop. I manage to do both at the same time. I have been blessed to receive a lot of income this past year as an artist.

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It is a message for me from above that I can continue following my dream. No guilt. No shame. Just joy and lightness of being.

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When I become overly critical about my singing abilities or when I analyze technical elements of music – it blocks me. My goal is to get out of my own way. It is a process and I am constantly learning ways to free myself from the inner critic.

That’s me playing my old classical guitar at the age of 17! Below is that same guitar in my daughter’s hands.

“You’re My Superstar”

I chuckled. This was truly a songwriting moment. My 21-year-old daughter was visiting and she sat on my bed strumming my fairly new Cordoba classical guitar.

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She said, “I have a song I’ve been working on, Mommy. It only has one verse though. Can I play it for you?”

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I listened as she strummed and sang. It was delightful watching her.

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My daughter worked full-time now since she’d been promoted to a manager at the restaurant where she worked. For the past month, she told me she had zero time and energy for music. The idea of performing again like she had a year ago was remote.

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Her words were, “I am so tired from working that when I get home I go to bed early. On my days off, I have so many other things to do – music is the last thing I have time for.

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That made it even more beautiful for me to see her enjoyment while playing guitar in my bedroom.

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For another hour, she continued to practice her guitar playing and ended up writing another verse for her song. I sat at my computer nearby and did some other things. But listening to her play gave me a big smile.

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And I let her know that her song was really lovely and how much I enjoyed seeing her compose a song in my company.

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Then she said, “Mommy, by the way, I need to bring you my guitar. It has two broken strings and I’d love it if you could fix them for me.”

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Her old guitar was my old guitar. I played it from the time I was about 17 years old. It was dented, scratched and not really a great guitar. I had thought about getting her a new guitar as a gift someday. She even mentioned that she was thinking of buying one for herself.

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I watched her playing my Cordoba. A year ago, I went shopping for this classical guitar and must have played over 100 guitars before I found this one. It had a nice bright sound, but I far preferred my steel-string Lowden guitar to it. So I hardly played my Cordoba classical guitar and it was dusty.

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Perhaps it was impulsive but I said, “Honey, you can take my Cordoba home. Enjoy it.”

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Her eyes widened. “Mom, are you sure?”

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She chirped with excitement, “I promise I’ll be very careful because I know you paid a lot of money for it. Wow!!! I can’t wait to play it in my apartment. My roommates are going to be so impressed!”

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Now, whenever I look at the empty spot where my Cordoba hung on my wall, I am reminded of her excited face. It felt so good to see her musically inspired; it was well worth it.

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That night, I told her that I hoped she’d never put music aside like I had for over 30 years. It was God’s gift, a magical elixir for life.

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