myjourneysinsight

ONLY A DREAM

Posted on November 24, 2014 by Judy

More stories, recordings and performances of this song: WATCHING YOU GROW

I am a passionate singer/songwriter following my dream.

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My post title is a lyric line from my song “Watching You Grow.” Although that song was inspired by the thrill of seeing my childrens’ growth, so many lyric lines are applicable to my own growth, as a result of embracing music later in my life.

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In 2010, I began to seriously play my guitar again after 30 years. It happened just after I turned 50 and it was during a very difficult time; music came to uplift me when both my parents were declining. And music guided me to end my marriage after I wrote my true feelings with my song “The Unknown.”

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Perhaps the reason I love songwriting so much is because it represents a way for me to honestly express myself. For decades I “sleepwalked” through my life and denied most of my true feelings.

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My music has given me great comfort and I’ve decided that music and God are interchangeable. That’s an amazing thing for me to say because and I’m not a religious person by any means!

“Bring me to tears”

“Oh my God! That’s it – you just gave me chills!”

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“I’m not sure where the spot is – but I know it’s supposed to move me in this area. Something needs to be put in there.”

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“There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, but when you find those special notes – I’m soaring.”

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Working with my arranger, George sometimes sounds like an erotic encounter!

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Our sessions usually last for about 3-4 hours; time flies by as we collaborate and create beautiful music together. George is very private and wouldn’t want me to share anything about him. I can say that I always sit in a chair about ten feet away from him.

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Recently, I’ve begun to be very demanding about every song arrangement we create together. It isn’t enough for me to have a song arrangement that sounds musically pretty. I’ve decided that an arrangement isn’t finished unless it grabs my heart.

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From the time I began working with George four years ago, I have grown and developed musically in many ways. In the beginning of our working relationship, I let George arrange everything the way he heard it. He is definitely a musical genius and I treasure every one of his arrangements. Unlike earlier songs that were arranged in one session, most of our recent song arrangements develop over many sessions and I am far more involved.

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George is eager to please me, but he gets frustrated when I send him in circles with vague directions. Sometimes it’s very challenging to explain what I want when I’m not even sure – but I know it when I hear it because I feel something special.

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Yes, it does sound erotic, doesn’t it? And when I tell George that his arrangement has sent me to heaven, he beams and tells me that it gives him a lot of pleasure to do that for me.

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These are lyrics in progress that I scrawled out while writing my song “Watching You Grow.”

To anyone who wonders what I do on a daily basis with my passion – I share with you now.

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I record vocals three times a week. After so many sessions of recording, there are things I know about my voice.

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1. I can sing well for about thirty minutes. After that, it all goes downhill.

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2. I’ll sing a song about 5-7 times. The first take is usually a “warm up” because my pitch is off. But my low notes are great on the first two takes. After that, they disappear and then the high notes are better. The best take is usually the third one.

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3. I use a lot of mouthwash before I sing. Another musician told me that it helps to eliminate those funny clicking noises that happen when I’m singing certain words.

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4. I try hard to think about the meaning of the words I’m singing instead of thinking about how to sing better.

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Writing a new song is an amazing gift from above. I never actively try to compose because it involves lyric writing. I find the process of hunting for words deep within my subconscious to be exhausting and quite difficult. But of course, it leads to bliss when I come through and express my true feelings.

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Most of my time is spent editing vocal recordings. I do try to play my guitar every day because I want to maintain memorization for over forty songs. Performing is another arena that requires even more singing and guitar practice time for me.

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During the years when I did not have any music in my life, it was only a dream.

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I am eternally grateful that I am able to create the music that I love. For so many years, I was overwhelmed with care-giving and this is my renaissance now.

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All of what I do musically fills me with energy, excitement and pleasure. It helps me cope with almost anything that is stressful in my life and keeps me smiling.

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When I receive a paid illustration assignment, my musical endeavors don’t stop. I manage to do both at the same time. I have been blessed to receive a lot of income this past year as an artist.

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It is a message for me from above that I can continue following my dream. No guilt. No shame. Just joy and lightness of being.

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When I become overly critical about my singing abilities or when I analyze technical elements of music – it blocks me. My goal is to get out of my own way. It is a process and I am constantly learning ways to free myself from the inner critic.

That’s me playing my old classical guitar at the age of 17! Below is that same guitar in my daughter’s hands.

“You’re My Superstar”

I chuckled. This was truly a songwriting moment. My 21-year-old daughter was visiting and she sat on my bed strumming my fairly new Cordoba classical guitar.

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She said, “I have a song I’ve been working on, Mommy. It only has one verse though. Can I play it for you?”

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I listened as she strummed and sang. It was delightful watching her.

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My daughter worked full-time now since she’d been promoted to a manager at the restaurant where she worked. For the past month, she told me she had zero time and energy for music. The idea of performing again like she had a year ago was remote.

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Her words were, “I am so tired from working that when I get home I go to bed early. On my days off, I have so many other things to do – music is the last thing I have time for.

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That made it even more beautiful for me to see her enjoyment while playing guitar in my bedroom.

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For another hour, she continued to practice her guitar playing and ended up writing another verse for her song. I sat at my computer nearby and did some other things. But listening to her play gave me a big smile.

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And I let her know that her song was really lovely and how much I enjoyed seeing her compose a song in my company.

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Then she said, “Mommy, by the way, I need to bring you my guitar. It has two broken strings and I’d love it if you could fix them for me.”

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Her old guitar was my old guitar. I played it from the time I was about 17 years old. It was dented, scratched and not really a great guitar. I had thought about getting her a new guitar as a gift someday. She even mentioned that she was thinking of buying one for herself.

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I watched her playing my Cordoba. A year ago, I went shopping for this classical guitar and must have played over 100 guitars before I found this one. It had a nice bright sound, but I far preferred my steel-string Lowden guitar to it. So I hardly played my Cordoba classical guitar and it was dusty.

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Perhaps it was impulsive but I said, “Honey, you can take my Cordoba home. Enjoy it.”

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Her eyes widened. “Mom, are you sure?”

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She chirped with excitement, “I promise I’ll be very careful because I know you paid a lot of money for it. Wow!!! I can’t wait to play it in my apartment. My roommates are going to be so impressed!”

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Now, whenever I look at the empty spot where my Cordoba hung on my wall, I am reminded of her excited face. It felt so good to see her musically inspired; it was well worth it.

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That night, I told her that I hoped she’d never put music aside like I had for over 30 years. It was God’s gift, a magical elixir for life.

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–Below is a link to hear my daughter’s music (I’m hoping she won’t be upset with me for sharing so much!):

https://www.youtube.com/user/vballer1993

© Judy Unger and http://www.myjourneysinsight.com 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, arranger, arranging music, baby steps, beautiful music, Celebrating a child's growth, child as a miracle, children, children and love, classical guitar, comforting music, composing, Cordoba guitar, creativity, daughter relationship, expressing feelings, gratefulness, guitar, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love, lovesong, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, mother daughter relationship, Music, music and healing, musical arrangements, musical arranging, musical comfort, original songs, parenting, performing, proud of your children, recording vocals, sharing music, singer, singing, singing voice, singing with emotion, song arrangement, songwriting, vocal improvement, vocals, Watching You Grow, writing | 3 Comments

ONE DAY, YOUR PAIN WILL GO AWAY – PART 3

Posted on November 20, 2014 by Judy

This flower grows on a fence where I play tennis. I stopped to take a picture when my game was over because I found it so beautiful.

These flowers were growing on a fence where I play tennis. I stopped to take a picture when my game was over because I found them to be so beautiful.

The checker in the market looked very concerned. “You look like you are in pain. Do you need to sit down?” she asked me.

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I realized that my eyes were closed. I was grimacing while holding onto the checkout stand as I replied. “Thank you for caring. My leg hurts but I’ll be fine – we’re almost done.”

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Waves of pain were shooting through my thigh and my brain was burning from the agony. I gritted my teeth and accepted help with the groceries. I quickly sat down in my car while a young girl put the bags in my trunk. My leg continued to ache, but gradually the pain ebbed away.

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This was crazy! How in the world had this happened? I was just celebrating that my eyes had gotten better and now I had a sore leg.

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I had gone to my doctor on the afternoon of Halloween. A physical therapist told me I had an “inflamed femoral nerve” in my thigh. A few days later I was relieved when the pain seemed to have gone away.

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I was hesitant about playing tennis, but had been pain-free since Sunday. So on a lovely Tuesday morning, I was swatting a tennis ball. I was very grateful to be outdoors and actually played better than I expected.

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After two hours of tennis, I stopped at a nearby superstore before driving home. I was exhausted when I finished shopping and that afternoon my leg started aching again. I took Motrin and held an ice pack to my thigh for hours.

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This time, the pain didn’t go away. I became very irritable because it was definitely hard to deal with. It looked like I had made a mistake playing tennis. Now I could barely get to the mailbox.

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I remembered how the pain had gone away when I rested a lot the first time. No more tennis for me for a while. I gave myself permission to be lazy.

This was a recent album cover idea. The title of my song definitely fits for how I’ve been feeling lately!

vul·ner·a·ble (adjective)

physically or psychologically weak, extremely susceptible

For three days, I pretty much sat at home.

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This was such a twist for me – usually I had to push myself to be active at least once a day. Now I couldn’t do that and I sure missed what I had taken for granted!

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I told a good friend about my predicament and she recommended a chiropractor. She said he had worked a miracle for a friend of hers. I was enthused because he wasn’t too expensive and his office was very close to my house.

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This was going to be my very first experience seeing a chiropractor. I was pleased to get a same day appointment and anticipated I’d get some relief.

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When I arrived, the office looked comfy and the receptionist was very friendly.

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This chiropractor practically danced around me with his abundant energy. His large, magnified eyes bulged behind his glasses and he announced with enthusiasm that I was his “number one project.”

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He recommended an x-ray, which I decided to have at the cost of $125 additional dollars. I did not want to wait a week to see if my insurance would pay for one. I just prayed I would receive some remarkable results from this man.

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A few moments later, he was pointing to my x-ray. (On a side note – I wasn’t too thrilled seeing my belly shadow behind the lit up bones.) He deftly connected a few dots to create lines and get measurements.

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Then he announced, “No wonder you are a mess, my dear. Your hip is twisted and a nerve is squeezed; that is why your leg is hurting. It was most likely from an injury that happened years ago – I’m amazed you haven’t had any problems before this!”

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I was impressed how he was absolutely certain he could help me by putting things back into position. With his precise adjustments, my vertebrae needed to move by almost ¾ of an inch. It was a non-surgical approach that he was very experienced with and he reassured me that he had helped many other patients.

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I was slightly nervous and asked him if it was going to hurt. But if this would help me, that seemed like such a silly question.

This baby picture of mine works perfectly to describe how my face must have looked before my adjustment.

He said, “Honestly, what I’m going to do is a temporary thing – but you will be so happy afterwards because it is going to make your problem go away.

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I looked at him with glazed eyes and blinked back my tears. It seemed that my leg pain had affected my dry eyes; they were foggy and painful again. I was at a very low point.

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I was completely vulnerable and surrendered to his confidence.

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He told me to lie on my side. I was to straighten out my bottom leg and cross the other over it. His voice was chipper when he called out to his receptionist. He said, “I need a leg holder.” I wasn’t sure what that meant.

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He asked me to scoot on my side closer to him. He said, “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall off. I just want you to lean towards me.”

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I followed his instructions and closed my eyes. He held me in a hug-like position with one finger from his other hand poking my back.

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And then . . .

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WHAM!!!

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I was stunned. Horrific pain screamed through me with his powerful impact. I almost passed out from shock. My body was slammed while twisted in a strange position.

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His voice was still chipper when he said, “Now turn over for the other side.” I was queasy and sweat dripped from my face co-mingled with my tears.

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I took a deep breath and my body was slammed a second time. I hadn’t experienced such horrific trauma since childbirth. But I had to give him credit – it happened so fast.

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A moment later, he pulled me into a sitting position. I was softly crying and praying this was my miracle cure.

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He said, “Tomorrow I want you to come back two more times. We made a lot of progress today but it’s still going to take more adjusting to move those vertebrae.”

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All three of my children were laughing around the dining room table when I walked in the door. “Hey mom, how’s your leg?” they all asked.

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I heard their voices hushed with worry when I ran past them into my bedroom. I threw the covers over my head and cried.

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“Mom, is there something we can do for you?” They all stood in the doorway and were quite worried about me. I reassured them that I would be fine – I needed to rest after my traumatic experience.

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Gradually, my sweat dried and my shaking stopped. It was nice hearing my children happily banter and fix their own dinners.

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Now there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was my former housekeeper, Rosa. She came in with her boyfriend, Orlando. They had driven to see me because they were very concerned.

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Rosa had brought with her a special supplement that she insisted I take. I swallowed two capsules of super vitamins. Then Orlando wanted to give me a leg massage. Rosa said, “Judy, he did this for me when my leg hurt and the next day my pain was gone!”

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Orlando firmed gripped my thigh and started to press and squeeze it. I let out a few loud moans as he kneaded my flesh. My large teenage son came running down the hallway.

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“Mom! Why don’t you tell him to stop if it hurts? You sound awful!”

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Through my clenched teeth I muttered, “Don’t worry – I’ll be fine.” I let out a few more yelps as Orlando massaged my aching thigh.

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Rosa hugged me goodbye. She told me to let her know how my leg was the following day. I promised her I would.

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Of course, I’d like to be that skinny again. But that picture reminds me of the courage it took to jump.

Of course, I’d like to be that skinny again. But this picture reminds me of the courage it took for me to jump.

The next day, I was nervous about going back to the chiropractor. My friend, Joni sent me a text message offering to take me to my appointment. It was so thoughtful of her to want to help me and I decided to take her up on it.

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Joni was still recovering from open-heart surgery only a few months before. She had been going through a lot of ups and downs with her recovery.

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I gingerly got into her car and she said, “I am so glad I could do this! It feels wonderful to be able to help you.” Joni had one of my CD’s playing in her car as she drove. I felt so lucky to have her at that moment.

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Once again, I was lying on the adjustment table. The chiropractor showed Joni my x-ray and explained to her what he was doing. I could hardly concentrate because my eyes were so painful at that moment. I closed them and tried to escape in my mind.

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I let out a loud scream with the first slamming adjustment. I turned over for the second one and Joni tenderly grabbed my hand, “Jude, take deep breaths!”

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When the chiropractor crushed me the second time, I yelled. Tears dripped down my cheeks.

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I heard him announce, “Congratulations! Did you hear that loud cracking noise? That is a sign of movement, which means we made even more progress today!”

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I felt queasy when Joni dropped me off back at home. I walked slowly into my apartment and collapsed upon my bed.

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This picture was taken in July on Joni’s birthday. Only two weeks after that, she had problems with a heart valve and required major surgery to repair it.

An hour later, I sat up and began practicing my singing. I wanted to record vocals later in the day.

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Nothing was going to stop the music for me. Nothing.

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Only two days earlier, I had sung vocals for my song “Hang On.” I easily became emotional with my lyric line of “one day your pain will go away!” Pain didn’t matter to me as long as I could make it to my car and into the place where I sang.

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I drove to Darrin’s studio; it was only a few minutes away. My leg was still numb from the ice pack I carried with me. I casually mentioned to Darrin that I was having some problems with my leg and he was very sympathetic.

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I quickly sat down and was excited to sing vocals for my newest song arrangement. I put on headphones and anyone who saw me would have noticed how one leg was awkwardly stretched to the side.

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But for 30 minutes I sang my heart out. I went to place far away from my own body. It was magical and very healing.

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When I was finished singing, I drove from the recording studio to the chiropractor for my second day’s round of adjustments. Because I knew what to expect, it wasn’t as shocking now. But it certainly wasn’t pleasant.

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When I came home, I wrote a message to my doctor requesting an MRI.

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I recently recorded an improved vocal for “My Shining Star.”

I recently recorded an improved vocal for one of my favorite songs named “My Shining Star.”

CORRESPONDENCE WITH MY GOOD FRIEND, DR. SAM (his words are in brown):

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On Nov 17, 2014, Dr. Sam wrote:

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Hope that you feel better…just remember that chiropractors are notorious for sucking people into extended treatment plans with multiple “sessions.”

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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

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Just one, but it will take him eight visits!

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Well, Sam, I won’t mind if it helps. Unfortunately, I wish it were a light bulb that my doctor could take care of instead.

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I am telling you that every day I am more and more grateful for good health! I want so badly to have everything in decent working order – not perfect by any means. But I need to be able to walk without screaming in pain.

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Hope all is well with you.

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Judy

ps. All of this has become the biggest pain in the ass!

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Agree that walking without screaming in pain is a good thing…just make sure that you watch your budget and don’t get taken advantage of.

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Thanks, Sam. It would be nice if my HMO helped “foot” the bill. I am trying to “stand up” for myself.

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I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do – rest or move! The chiropractor said he’d have me fixed up in no time and I would love to believe that! I hope he’s not just “pulling my leg.”

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Judy

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Tagged adjustment by chiropractor, chiropractor experience, chiropractor visit, composing, creativity, femoral nerve pain, guitar, inspiration, inspiring, Judy Unger, leg pain, lovesong, lyrics, music healing, my shining star, original songs, pain in my thigh, singing, songwriting | 9 Comments

WATCHING YOU GROW-PART 1

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Judy

More stories, recordings and performances of this song: WATCHING YOU GROW

WATCHING YOU GROW-PART 2

Boy did those years go by quickly!

WATCHING YOU GROW

My heart overflows

All my joy just grows and grows

Only a dream when you began

First baby steps and then you ran

I’m watching you grow, bursting with pride

I’m all aglow

One day you arrived, tiny and new

My miracle was you

All through the years seeing you bloom

brings me to tears

You just don’t know how much I’ve loved

watching you grow

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You’ve come so far

You’re my superstar

Holding your hand, seeing you through

Then one day you just flew

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I’m watching you grow, bursting with pride

I’m all aglow

One day you arrived, tiny and new

My miracle was you

As years go by seeing you bloom

can make me cry

You just don’t know how much I’ve loved

watching you grow

I’ve loved . . .

watching you grow

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Below are the many pages of lyrics I scrawled when my song was “in progress.” There were a lot of pages for a song that says the same thing over and over!

I am a passionate songwriter. In my world, music plays every moment of my day. Lyric lines shout out to me in almost every situation.

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I find the process of writing a song to be miraculous. When a song is “born,” it is so beautiful that I am uplifted to a very joyful place. I hear it playing over and over and walk around singing the new melody all through my day.

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At first, I sing a melody without any words. But eventually the lyrics emerge and then it’s as if the song has always been there.

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Many times I’ve referred to my songs as “babies.” Just like a child with a gestation period, my song develops from feelings within my subconscious. When it is ready, it “arrives” and seems to have a unique personality right from the start.

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Of course, I cannot truly compare my songs to my children. Music certainly changed my life – but not nearly the way having my children did. And of course, my love for them goes far beyond music.

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“Watching You Grow” was most certainly inspired by my kids.

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I’m glad I could write a new song about them. I wrote one other song about them named “No Words. But “No Words” was haunted by the child of mine who died at the age of five and would never grow up. And I have already written many songs dedicated to Jason.

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Perhaps my joy over seeing my children grow is even more pronounced because I understand how fragile life can be.

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My song began when I heard a bouncy chord progression. I was very excited and saw it as a sign of healing for me. I could only write a joyful song if I were in a happier place.

I shared the new chord progression with my arranger, George. We began to arrange the song before I wrote lyrics or named it. I told George that I wondered what it would be about and shared some ideas with him.

I explained that there were so many reasons why this happy melody fit into my life at the moment. My children were really growing and I was thrilled with their progress. They were definitely blossoming.

He said, “Well, that’s your song!”

I smiled and decided I would name my song “Watching You Grow.”

I am constantly reminding my 17-year-old son to take out the trash (in addition to other chores.) Because he sometimes forgets, I asked him to make a note to remind himself (I’m so tired of being a nag). I love the picture he drew complete with flies!

I am very close to all three of my children, which means I definitely feel their joy and their pain. Currently, my sons are 17 and 24; my daughter is 21.

It was interesting how not long after writing “Watching You Grow,” I lost my connection and feeling for it. The joy I had performing it at open mic venues completely disappeared.

Perhaps it was because I had no privacy where I was. I began to feel irritable in my apartment where I lived with my two sons; I found myself wishing they were “flying independently” and considered renaming my song “Grow Up Already!”

From the time they were born, my life has been intertwined with my children. Without sharing any more details about their lives, I can say that I have endured moments of deep despair while they were growing up.

The miles of growth that all three of them have traveled were sometimes so painful that I sure wish at those times I knew where they would be today.

Teaching my children to fly has been the greatest challenge of my life. But what is also important to acknowledge is that I have never really flown. I was married when I was 21 and still have not experienced living on my own.

I’m 55 years old, divorced and all of my children depend on me. Their father has not been very involved in their lives these past two years. He plans to move far away to another country in seven months.

Now I understand why my song wasn’t touching me – I was lying when I sang it!

That was because my song’s main emphasis was about how much I’ve loved watching my children grow. Well that wasn’t true because watching my children grow was often an ordeal.

But my song is true, because they are all miracles.

I see my children as gifts from God; each one is special and more important than anything else in my life.

I might dislike the process of growth, but I sure treasure the result. What lies beyond is magnificent and definitely worth celebrating.

Changing my thought process about this helped greatly and not long after that I watched my oldest son go over a big hurdle in his life. That led to celebrating and simply confirmed my feelings about how much I love the result of growth.

So now I do feel “all aglow” when I sing “Watching You Grow!”

The words above are my lyrics in progress. I always write my feelings first to help me come up with song lyrics.

I tried to relate my song to my own life because most of the lyrics touched me that way. I continue to grow in so many ways, too.

One word in my song did not fit for that. It was “tiny.” Perhaps I have “arrived,” but I was never tiny. I tried replacing the word “tiny” with “pure, fresh, and innocent.” That way my song could be about how I felt when I rediscovered my music.

None of the other words moved me like “tiny” did. The feelings that brought me to tears were not about me.

It moved me deeply remembering my children when they were born. They were “tiny” and new!

So the absolute truth is that nothing in my life is more amazing for me than the miracle of seeing them grow into the beautiful humans they are today.

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© 2014 by Judy Unger http://www.myjourneysinsight.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tagged acoustic guitar, all aglow, baby steps, beautiful music, Celebrating a child's growth, child as a miracle, children, children and love, children growing, comforting music, composing, creativity, expressing feelings, gratefulness, guitar, healing music, inspiration, Judy Unger, loss, love, lovesong, lullabies, lullaby, lyric development, lyric writing, lyrics, Music, music and healing, musical comfort, original songs, parenting, performing, proud of your children, singing, song about a child, song about children, songwriting, tribute to my children, Watching You Grow, writing, you changed my life | 5 Comments

MY JOURNEY IN SIGHT – PART 10

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Judy

This photo was taken when I attended a dry eye support group meeting. It wasn’t in my area, but I’m glad I went. I met and thanked a wonderful woman named Judi, who really helped my eyes improve with her advice.

Over the past two years, I’ve struggled with some challenging eye problems. Most of my energy was spent trying to cope with pain and at the same time search for anything that might help me.

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When I began to write with more detail about my eye issues, I grouped those stories under the title of “My Journey in Sight.” I was hoping that perhaps through my experience I could help other people suffering with similar problems.

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I found that title so ironic because my blog “My Journeys Insight” began as a blog of self-discovery and had nothing to do with eyesight. But my eye problems have brought me insight and the additional pun just enhances my blog title.

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I’m hoping this will be the last part of my “eyesight series” for a while. My eyesight journey has been challenging, but thankfully I have reached a better place and want to share where I currently am.

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Here is a brief summary of my eye issues:

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1. In 2012, my eye prescription changed dramatically within two months. I had poor vision in one eye and a lot of fogginess at night. I realize now that some of this might have been due to dry eyes. The eye doctors told me I had mild/moderate cataracts so I went ahead and had cataract surgery on both eyes.

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2. Six months later, I had Posterior Vitreous Detachment (PVD) in both eyes. This is considered a common age-related occurrence, but it was shocking for me. Cataract surgery often leads to PVD and I was very near-sighted, which increased my risk for complications.

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3. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to the blurs and dark floaters from PVD. I was able to work on my computer and perhaps because of PVD and intense staring, I experienced unbearable pain in my eyes. I went to Urgent Care and was told I simply had mild Blepharitis and dry eyes.

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4. My dry eye journey was lonely and torturous. The first cornea doctor told me that nothing else could be done. (Other than my current regimen, which was wiping my eyelids, using a hot compress and Restasis eye drops).

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5. For two years I lived with constant pain and fogginess in both my eyes. I could see well enough to work, drive and function outwardly. But my condition led me to become deeply depressed and withdrawn.

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I did change doctors; I found another corneal specialist who was willing to go through a long list of dry eye remedies. It was very discouraging when nothing brought relief.

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I share a picture from my younger days. There’s no going back! I can honestly say that now that my eyes are better, my life is wonderful again.

I see my eye problems as a metaphor for many other human conditions – so I’m hoping that anyone reading this could relate it to other ailments and struggles. Because hope was something I held onto during grief, I found many of the exchanges on the dry eye forum I subscribe to very touching. I share excerpts of posts from different people over the last few months that paint a picture of what people with dry eyes deal with.

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Is dry eye considered a disease or a syndrome??

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I would call it a condition that is chronic, which means there is no cure but with regular maintenance the symptoms are bearable in most cases….

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The technical term for dry eye is PITA. Pain In The Ass!

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I don’t think recovery is possible anymore. All I read everywhere is pain, pain and pain for years with and NOTHING helping. I don’t think life is worth it with this. I’m losing hope.

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Don’t lose hope! Maybe we cannot recover completely, but I have hope we all can find a way to live with it, or at least have some good days without as much pain or redness.

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I also don’t know anyone personally who has this disease. Before I was in this group I felt very alone. I think it helps “talking” and reading how others cope with it.

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Hey, the last thing you can do is lose hope. Just try to live your life one day at a time. Every day new discoveries are made, I know recovery may be slow and painful, but I am sure it will happen.

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This group has already taught me so much. My improvement isn’t great but it is better, don’t lose hope! We must never lose hope!

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Sometimes I feel like I’m missing something. You have all these eye doctors saying dry eye is very treatable and then all of us patients who suffer on a daily basis. What’s the deal? It’s a constant struggle for some of us.

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Dry eye isn’t so much a curable condition, as one we have to manage – at least that is how I feel .

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I’d just like to put this out there. I’ve done a lot of research and I’ve come to one conclusion. The treatment of dry eye takes a long time. Certain medical abstracts talk a lot about patients getting discouraged with their current treatment and quit and go on to the next thing. My point is find a doctor that can give you the best diagnosis and don’t get discouraged when you don’t feel better with treatment after a month or two. I’ve definitely improved although not close to 100% but I’m much better than I was when I first started.

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I have had dry eyes for 26 years now and I did give up. I felt like no matter what I did nothing was helping, so I did nothing for years. Oh, how I wish I could take those years back and have a redo! I just had surgery for recurrent cornea erosions on Friday because of this.

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The problem I have with different treatments is that it seems like any treatment I try seems to irritate my eyes more. My corneal specialist has said to not continue a treatment if it hurts my eyes.

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I think I’m gonna explode. Sorry to vent, but I miss my old life terribly. I’m so sad. I’m 26 and can’t do anything except sleeping, staying home.  I just want to be free, to live normally, to be happy again…

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This disease is so much more psychological than anyone WITHOUT the disease realizes. It’s a major hit to self perception/confidence, as everyone thinks we either cry all the time, are hung-over, stoners, or don’t take care of ourselves. Be strong, tell people about your disease! Tell them when it hurts, when you know it looks bad. Be who you are, unapologetically. Come to us for support and let’s solve this dilemma together!

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I am afraid I will have to live with this painful condition for the rest of my life. Either I can give up or stay strong and see what tomorrow holds…

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Believe me, after almost 40 years with this condition I should have thrown the towel in long ago. I just keep searching and searching until I find the right doctor and/or the right medication. Promise me you won’t give up. We are all here to support one another. Feel free to drop me a line anytime when you are feeling down and hopeless. There is hope!!!

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I share another picture from my younger days. Many of the people in my dry eye forum dream about feeling “normal” again. I’ve accepted that my “new normal” is okay for now. I am not cured but it’s certainly livable.

Until I joined this dry eye forum, I felt very alone with my eye pain. I learned so much from other people who were going through similar challenges. Two important lessons that I learned while searching to help myself were:

1. A remedy that cured someone else’s eye problem didn’t necessarily cure mine.

2. There were remedies that were so simple, I didn’t pay attention to following them.

Despite my dry eyes, I’ve continued to illustrate and have had an excellent year.

I was extremely nearsighted for most of my life and comfortably wore hard contact lenses from the time I was 11 years old. I painted detailed illustrations without any problem.

As a 55-year-old woman, I could spend a lot of energy wishing my eyes were the same as they were even five years ago. Around the time shortly before my father died and my separation after a long marriage, I began having trouble seeing. I’ve often wondered if the symptoms I had at that time were related to dry eyes.

My cataract surgery became an ordeal when I had to go back for yet a third surgery – a cortical chip was left behind. Then there was a capsulotomy, which was a laser treatment for the edge of the cataract that intruded a few months later.

But it was the PVD that was very upsetting for me. Every moment of my day was challenging because of the all the fog and junk in my vision.

My own son told me, “Mom, I can see why you say things are foggy. Your eyes look clouded!” I often wished I could pop out my cataract lens implants and clean them.

Living with fog and floaters was one thing, but when I had constant pain it was torture. How does a person live with pain every moment of their day? I know many people who do and I am heartsick imagining it.

Within the last month, I’ve experienced improvement with my dry eye condition. I still have dense floaters and fog, but the pain has lifted and my attitude has changed. All I can say is that I am so relieved.

I accept now that my vision is adequate to live my life and is something I will continue to adjust to. Being free from pain is a gift that leaves me crying with gratefulness.

I can open my eyes again – somewhat.

My improvement began when I was at a very low point. The remedy I thought would help me the most was serum tears (made from my own blood). Unfortunately, I had a bad reaction and thought that the tears were made incorrectly or compromised.

After writing about how discouraged I was, a friend from the on-line forum reached out to me. Her name was Susan and we corresponded a great deal to support each other. Susan introduced me to Judi who was the leader of a dry eye support group in another county.

Judi had asked Susan if she could contact me because she was very concerned about my serum tear reaction. Judi sent me a lot of information, spoke to me on the phone and we emailed each other.

Two months ago, I traveled to meet Judi and attend one of the dry eye support group meetings where she was a leader. It entailed about five hours of driving and luckily Susan’s husband drove us to the meeting. The time went by easily with them and I didn’t mind the outing.

The meeting was informative. But my reason for being there was to meet and personally thank Judi for helping me. After the meeting was over, Susan took a picture of Judi with me.

Susan and her husband, Bill, were so lovely to spend the day with.

Because Judi had found a lot of success with serum tears, I decided to try again. Two weeks ago, I had new serum tears made from another batch of my blood. This time the tears were 100% serum, instead of 20% like I had the first time.

After putting only one drop in each eye, a few hours later I experienced weird sensations and my eyes felt much worse. It took about five days before my eyes felt better and I did not use any more serum after that.

I was disappointed that the remedy I was certain would be my “cure,” was not the case. It was so frustrating; instead of serum helping, it was hurting me!

My improvement began because of Judi and her willingness to guide me. Such simple things made a difference and weren’t very difficult for me to implement.

Drinking a lot of water (at least 10-12 glasses a day) seemed to make the biggest difference. And then there was a certain technique of using an eye gel at night.

Judi had explained to me on the phone that her “gel remedy” was something she discovered on her own and was very proud of; it helped to combat a condition with a very long name that made dry eyes worse.

The condition was known as Lagophthalmos, which in simple words means that eyelids aren’t fully closed when a person is asleep. Judi asked me if someone could look at me when I was sleeping so I’d know whether my eyelids were closed. The thought of asking one of my sons to do that seemed kind of strange. Then she asked me if my eyes hurt when I woke up in the morning; I told her that they most certainly did.

Her remedy involved using Genteal Gel (I tried another brand without results). I always wondered why anyone used gel eye lubricants. They blurred my vision and didn’t bring any kind of relief.

The trick was to get my eyelids to stick together so they would remain closed when I was asleep.

Judi said, “Be absolutely sure not use any other eye drops for at least half an hour before going to bed. You want this gel to be very sticky. Put it in and close your eyes tightly. After five minutes, your eyelids should stay stuck together.”

I followed what she said, and woke up in the morning without pain. This lady was a miracle worker!

I wrote to her and said:

On Sep 13, 2014, Judy wrote:

I was so excited to share with you that I had some better days with my eyes recently. The Genteal gel at night is helping and especially all the water I’ve been drinking. I couldn’t believe that yesterday there was a moment when my eyes actually felt almost normal!

I’m so glad I was able to meet you. I know I’ll be writing about that day. Thank you again so much, Judi!

Hi Judy,

I am so glad that you are finally seeing some improvement in how your eyes are feeling. One of my greatest joys in life is knowing that God has chosen me as the vehicle to share His blessings given to me with others in need and in pain. I pray that this gift never ceases and He continues to find ways to use me to make a difference in others’ lives in whatever way that might be.

I am thrilled that the Genteal Gel is working for you. I am surprised how many people are never diagnosed by highly-trained eye specialists about this condition. When I was first diagnosed with Lagophthalmos my reaction was, “Oh, no! I had another incurable disease.”

I was told I could have weights sewn into my lids. Then I was told to tape my eyes shut with an X over my eyes at night, which tore the tissue at my eye because it is so delicate. I was told to cover my eyes with saran-wrap at night, which was horrible.

I sat and prayed one night and in the morning my friend suggested I try Genteal Gel. She didn’t mention the way I was to use it, by not putting other drops in beforehand – or holding lids closed till it dry. But somehow God showed me the way.

HE SEEMS TO ALWAYS MAKE A WAY WHEN THERE SEEMS TO BE NONE.” AND SO BETWEEN THE GENTEAL GEL AND THE AUTOLOGUS SERUM, HE HAS GIVEN ME THIS GIFT OF FREEDOM FROM PAIN AND I AM DOWN TO 4 DROPS A DAY.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I can share this. I pray that you can get serum that helps you.

Thanks again for the great news and I feel your condition will continue to improve and pray God also uses you to share His blessings going forward.

Judi, just for fun, I’m sharing what was doing on my computer tonight; it’s one of my songs. I’m a passionate songwriter. I don’t market or sell anything yet but one day I will. 🙂

Ps. When my eyes are better, it will be much easier for me to reach out to find a larger audience. I see God wanting me to have this healing time and it has enabled me to stay close with my children and focus on creating music every day. I have over 60 song arrangements now.

Wow, what a voice you have – it sounds angelic!!! I look forward to listening to it all… Such a gift and blessings!

Thank you so much for helping to lift me up. The depression that resulted from my eye pain has been overwhelming. For this past year, I’ve just stayed inside a lot and have been reclusive.

I didn’t sing for 30 years and after my 5-year-old son died in 1992, I never thought I’d sing again. I picked up my guitar four years ago and it healed me and changed my life. I believe God gave me music to share, to heal others and myself.

I don’t consider myself to be a great singer. I’ve worked hard to improve so I can share my songs with the world. Two years ago, I could hardly keep my pitch. It’s a process. Singing for me is all about opening my heart and allowing my emotions to be free. Your compliments mean a lot to me.

I’ve found a lot of joy with my writing and music. I am peaceful and try to help others who suffer with grief and never imagine feeling better. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in January when Susan and I drive out to the support group meeting again.

Few can understand the debilitation the loss of a child causes. We lost our son at 42 with two young children to lung cancer, another unexplainable debilitating tragedy.

Oh Judi, I am so, so sorry about your son! Now we are not only joined because of our eyes, but also as bereaved mothers.

I could tell when I met you that we would be friends – You are so beautiful and your smile is so kind and loving. Once again God, in His wisdom has brought another special person into my life – there are no mistakes.

Love and blessings, Judi